Yes, the Aardvark Runs Things. The Aardvark and the Dog

Your love is like  candy-coated anthrax

90,000 old BMWs too dangerous to drive due to airbag recall, maker says

BMW also discovered 350,000 older models have broken turn signals. BMW has chosen not to recall the cars because BMW owners don't use them anyway.

Today I identify as  the guy who is going to order the FBI to locate Dianne Feinstein. And her tax returns for the last 40 years.

NFFL.

The National Fantasy Football League.

I suppose it was inevitable, like fur on a monkeywrench.

It's probably been around for a long time - I'm well-insulated (read: ignore most things).

I remember discovering Fantasy Football [wayback music]. The musical comedy group was performing in yet another dingy bar, which thought it would be hip to have Comedy Night. This was a common infection in the 1990s. While watching the other comics, we noticed they weren't getting much traction (the audience wasn't paying attention). We fared a little better, but not much. Some well-meaning waitress explained it was Fantasy Football night.

HUH? 

Fantasy Football.

Huh? 

Jeez, I must've looked like one of their customers. Taking it on faith, I wondered why they would hold Fantasy Football night on the same night they're paying a lot of money for Comedy Night. It was then I saw the sign. I only saw the top half til then... it said 

FANTASY FOOTBALL TONIGHT!!

$5 beer night

Live bait $2

also

COMEDY NIGHT - COME ON IN AND IGNORE YOUR FAVORITE LOCAL COMEDIANS FROM THE AREA. And they're local.

And that's how I learned about Fantasy Football. I remain incredulous after all these years. Sure, when we were in school, we put together Ultimate Bands, from our favorite musicians. This show lasted all of 5 minutes, then we graduated 5th grade. 

Oh wait - now there's a National Fantasy Basketball League. I wonder if they're going to bring Fauci back to explain the spread of this.....

Giraffes, despite a relatively small brain, can handle statistics

Good, I need to hire one to balance my checkbook.

It's not just me, though. Google gave the giraffes some AI and hired 100 of them as managers and at C-level positions. Only 30% passed diversity training. How's that for stats?

Ransomware gang hijacks university alert system to issue threats

Libertarians hijack White House p.a. system to issue debt reminders

 

The Linux Foundation, the nonprofit organization enabling mass innovation through open source, previously announced the launch of the Software Developer Diversity and Inclusion (SDDI) project at Open Source Summit. SDDI explores, evaluates, and promotes best practices from research and industry to increase diversity and inclusion in software engineering.

You know the 400' dinosaur has crunched the organization when there is a high-level position with the word 'diversity' in it. Thusly it applies to projects and 'inclusion'. GTFO. I dunno about you, but I'd hire the best person for the job; a killer programmer or whatever else I needed. I do not hire for gender, dancing ability, nose hair, or man buns. This stuff is a giant waste of time, that could better be spent on looking for the Best. My own people are virtue-signalling. And whining.

AI News

White House Pushes Tech C.E.O.s to Limit Risks of A.I.

 

“We must regulate AI,” FTC Chair Khan says

White House: Big Tech bosses told to protect public from AI risks

OpenAI’s regulatory troubles are only just beginning

 "We might not know what AI is, but we need to be involved." or "Legislators gonna legislate"

Yes, legislation, the first act of government. Whether it needs legislation or not. Whether it's the government's business or not (not).

We're already protected by the owners from it insulting anybody. Now the government needs its paws in the mix. STOP PROTECTING ME. After 9-11 we had Security Theater. Now it's AI Theater.

Worldwide, plastics recycling is 9%. In the US, it's 5%.

Once again, we lead the world.

Don't forget: among 17 other days and months of recognition, it's Mental Health Awareness Month.

Of course, every day is mental health day at ThermionicMansion.

It was another Fun Laptop Day.

Laptop #1 half-booted, with an error I've never seen before.

Laptop #2 is working, for some unknown reason.

Oops, perhaps I was too quick with that proclamation. The keyboard isn't working.

I know - I'll plug an external keyboard in.

Annnnnnd nothing. No workie.

I know - I'll plug a second external keyboard in.

Annnnnnd nothing. No workie.

I know - I'll change USB ports.

Annnnnnd nothing. No workie.

I'll reboot. Maybe it's confused.

Oops, it won't start now.

Hey, the power cord detached itself from the power supply. That would explain some things.

However, nothing will explain why Laptop #2's keyboard still isn't working. I plugged in an external keyboard, just like last time. Except this time it worked.

I seem to have an 'effect' on electronics. Sometimes being Satan has its disadvantages.

And then the werk computer:

Microsoft: There is an update to Office. Click the button.

Click

We need to close some programs.

Ok

['updates']

We cannot open Office because we are updating it.

--> just shoot me.

If I were half as smart as I thought I was, I would have taken the whole day off and slept late.

Flying AIDS Surprises in the News

Lockdowns only reduced COVID-19 death rate by .2%, study finds: 'Lockdowns should be rejected out of hand'

Coronavirus News Articles

TikTok: Chinese “Trojan Horse” Is Run by State Department Officials

Rochelle Walensky has resigned as the director of the CDC, the same day the World Health Organization announced that COVID-19 is no longer a global emergency  [There are no coincidences}

Australian government is hit with class action lawsuit over Covid vaccines

COVID-19 vaccine claims yield small payouts from U.S. government

3 prominent economists slam COVID lockdowns and school closures and say they should never happen again

Why I won't be watching the King's Coronation

Yes, this was an actual article. Hopefully in a British paper.

Some of the comments were..... odd. Some of my suggestions are... odd.

1. We should be allowed to vote for King and Queen.
2. I'm American. Do I look like I care?
3. C'mon - they're all lizard people
4. I'm allergic to horses. Horses and pointless pageantry.
5. I'm sorry, but his ears are just too large
6. the cat told me not to
7. I don't have a hat big enough. Those women wear entire cars on their heads.
8. Colonial imperialism, racism, antisemitism, ageism, and silly accents.
9. Spam Spam Spam Spam
10. Well, I mean... Hugh Grant, yeah?

Now, for the $10,000 prize, answer this question: in which war were the dentists expelled from England?

missed 60 out of 80+ votes and no one has seen her

Poking Holes in the Anvil

Your  love is like    an ectopic pregnancy

New Zealand to ban cigarettes for future generations

New Zealand is obviously jealous of Australia. How do you stop people from buying and smoking? It sure didn't stop anybody from underage smoking in the US. Another example of Nanny State. People have the right to put whatever they want into their bodies. You want cancer? Good on ya.

Today I identify as  a female nurse. If you say a single thing about my mustache, I'll go straight to HR.

Flying AIDS News

COVID outbreak on cruise ship in New Orleans may be due to omicron

Omicron weakens vaccine protection, but boosters revive defenses, early data finds

Covid: Pfizer says booster shot promising against Omicron

• You're gonna ask yourself why you didn't think of this....
• Hacked Cryptocurrency Platform Begs Hacker to Please Return $119 Million

This blog gets a new entry about every three days. And every three days, Elon Musk gives us fresh material...

The SEC is investigating whistleblower claims that Tesla was reckless as its solar panels go up in smoke

Yes, faulty solar panels could catch fire. Musk/Tesla has a thing for fire. While on fire, they don't generate any additional power, or for that matter, any power at all. The whole house burning down thing is a drag.

Contrary to appearances, I like the guy. He has vision. He has money. His products explode. What's not to like?  He's welcome to stop by and have his say.

But WAIT!!!!

Tesla allows drivers to play video games in moving cars, raising safety concerns

what could possibly go wrong?

• Because of SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUES, Alaskans are having a hard time finding coats
• See - global warming isn't ALL bad! 

Today's IT moment: when you set up your wireless router, or anything else, CHANGE THE DEFAULT login and password, ok? If somebody somehow gets access and you use the default credentials, they're in.

• There's some nasty Stuff going on on in Afghanistan. I'm glad we're out. I'm just noticing no other country has stepped in to stem the nastiness. Isn't that interesting....

Justifiable Homicide  

Her: Hey - wake up!  it's 7:00 and your alarm didn't go off.

Him: ugh.. that's because it doesn't go off til 7:15.

• Hey - remember that iPhone switch that allowed you to remove tracking?
  
• it cut advertiser revenue 98%
• so Apple went ahead and reversed this, allowing a looser policy
• Apple is the self-champion of privacy rights
• what a load of crap. Android isn't much better, but they don't lie about it.

A quick perusal of this week's stories reveals good news about dementia/Alzheimer's

• drinking more coffee will push off onset
• Older people who get cataracts removed have lower dementia risk
• Giant Study Finds Viagra Is Linked to Almost 70% Lower Risk of Alzheimer's

So drink more coffee, get your cataracts removed (even if you don't have any) and stuff Viagra down your throat. Of course you'll need assistance with Viagra, so tell your spouse that helping you use it is lowering your risk of Alzheimer's. It's much easier to prevent than care for, so it's a no-brainer.

So that's three studies on Alzheimer's this week. Ever think the studies aren't quite right?

Like if you go to church and nobody wears masks. You get the Flying AIDS. Therefore, religion causes the Flying AIDS.

Baldwin says he never pulled the trigger. Experts are skeptical

This is another case proving what experts have said all along: guns fire themselves, even when sitting there, minding their own business. They don't even have to be in someone's hand. By the same token, cars crash into things, regardless of what the driver's doing.

Loath as I am to defend Alec Baldwin, he didn't know there was a real bullet in it (did he?).

'Possessed' woman, 28, undergoes nine-hour exorcism to rid her of 'the devil' after she attacked Italian priest during confession and started speaking Latin in three different voices

I dunno. I'm just not feeling demons.

There is a known syndrome of people suddenly speaking languages.

New languages and voices can be explained by multiple personalities.

In fact, in an interview with an exorcist, they check for multiple (MPD/DID) first.

• Pope Francis says ‘sins of the flesh’ aren’t that ‘serious’
• especially with little boys

Way back when I was considering working from home, Wife weighed in that it would take a toll on sexting. I told her I'd wait for it to start before making up my mind. When I started working from home, we added having sex on the desk to the list of things we weren't doing..

It definitely took the fun out of having a Work Wife. It was great while it lasted. I told her there were now two women who weren't sleeping with me. My next Work Wife was a lesbian. We would sit there and rate our female coworkers as they walked by. We were both particularly fond of boobies; she liked them bigger, I liked them in even numbers.

According to an Iranian journalist who moved to UK, every morning we had to to chant 'Death to America'

• on Thursdays we had to chant 'Dem camels look pretty good to me'
• when there was nothing else, the default was 'why is there so much fscking sand around here?'
• on weekends, we'd chant 'We can't chant today because of the sabbath'
• when we thought the Grand Dumdum wasn't listening, 'America, please build military bases here'

Like Mittens for Roosters

Your love is like  diptheria

Smartwatches for children are a privacy and security nightmare

Let me give you a tip: for adults too.

Today I identify as   my wife - won't she be surprised? 

Leaked footage shows British F-35B falling off HMS Queen Elizabeth and pilot's death-defying ejection

A Ministry of Defence spokesbeing said in a prepared statement: "We are aware of a video circulating online. We must state categorically that the video has nothing to do with this incident. The video in question features a different F-35B falling off a ship."

Major: Gentlemen.

Crew: SIR.

Major: Very nice planes.

Crew: Thank you SIR.

Major: I have a small, trifling little question.

Crew: SIR.

Major: there seems to be a space. You know, where we'd park a plane and all that.

Crew: SIR

Major: I was just wondering... if I remember correctly, there was a plane there when we left.

Crew: YES SIR

Major: So it's not just me.

Crew: NO SIR

Major: Does anybody remember what kind of plane it was?

Crew: F-35B, SIR

Major: So..... gentlemen...  has anybody seen the plane?

Crew: NOT RECENTLY SIR

Major: I don't want to put too much emphasis on this, but does anybody know where it went?

Crew: NO SIR

Major. Drat. Are you sure?

Crew: YES SIR

Major: Well. This is highly irregular. It will entail a lot of paperwork. Are you certain you don't know where it went?

Crew: WELL... OVER THE SIDE SIR

Major: I see. Aren't they supposed to be... you know... fastened down or something?

Crew: YES SIR

Major: I don't want to put too fine a point on it, but how, exactly, did it come to fall off the boat?

Crew SHIP, SIR

Major: Yes, quite. How did it fall off the ship?

Crew: IT WAS SMITH-JOHNSON-PHLEGM, SIR.

Major: I see. And how did this happen, Smith-Johnson-Pharnyx?

Smith-Johnson-Phlegm: Smith-Johnson-Phlegm, Sir.

Major: Yes, that's what I said. How did it happen, Smith-Johnson-Philosophy?

Smith-Johnson-Phlegm: Smith-Johnson-Phlegm, Sir. Well, I was getting around to securing the planes, and I forgot to set the parking brake.

Major: Let me see if I have this right... a multi-billion pound attack fighter fell off a boat

Crew SHIP, SIR

Major: because you forgot to set the parking brake?

Smith-Johnson-Phlegm: Yes, Sir. In my defense, Sir, Manchester United was playing.

Major: That sounds perfectly understandable.And why is Lion-Hunting looking so out of sorts?

Crew: PARACHUTE ACCIDENT, SIR

Major: Did he also forget to set the parking brake, like Smith-Johnson-Phoenetics?

Smith-Johnson-Phlegm: Smith-Johnson-Phlegm, Sir.

Crew: NO SIR

Major: Look, I feel we're getting nowhere.

Crew: YES SIR

Major: Where was Lion-Hunting during this whole fiasco?

Crew: IN THE PLANE, SIR

Major: I see. So. I assume we're all still talking about the plane that fell off the boat thingie...

Crew SHIP, SIR

Major: And what happened with the parachute?

Lion-Hunting: I had to use it, Sir

Major: I see. I see. Why did you need a parachute on a parked plane?

Lion-Hunting: It was out of control, Sir

Major: Well, it certainly was not in control in terms of being physically attached to the ship.

Lion-Hunting: Exactly Sir. I was in fear for my life, so I pulled the emergency release, Sir.

Major: And I expect that would also be responsible for all the parachute cord wrapped around the ship's antennas.

Crew: YES SIR

Major: I suppose it was a one in 37.5 billion chance it would spell out FSCK YOU on the boat.

Crew: SHIP SIR

So you're probably asking yourself how we're doing, rodentially speaking.

We are relaxed and expect smooth sailing from here, thank you.

After it was all over, the firemen told us that rodents really don't like fire, so they were probably the first ones out.

The Pentagon Forms New Department to Watch and Study UFOs

This is what we call UFO Theater.

First there was Harry Reid's $22 million project that recently went public. Now an actual Pentagon department. Government only grows.

If they want to be helpful and avoid UFO Theater (they don't), they can simply reveal where all UFO reports have gone to since before the 1940s. All of the information has gone upstream and exists somewhere. I don't know where this is, but this is the key to everything we know about whatever's flying around up there.

But we're not going to get the truth - we're getting UFO Theater.

Speaking of stuff flying around, NASA canceled a spacewalk because 'it's too risky outside.'

They're concerned about space debris.

You can't take us earthlings anywhere.

We're barely off the planet and have put so much shit around the planet that it's dangerous to be around.

IF there are aliens around, it's probably their job to see we don't get off the planet. Think about it - would you like us as your neighbors?

• Straight from the people who brought you BJ's Wholesale, is My Favorite Facial, a cosmetic.
• Let me add onto the end of the commercial: BUT WAIT!! If you buy now, we'll reduce the price from $39.99 to $19.99. Just see Dr. lefty. He will provide what will become Your Favorite Facial!

Flying AIDS News  

Omicron: Do travel bans work against new Covid variants?

don't ask questions - PANIC and get in line for the next shot

Womp, womp: Efficacy of Merck’s Thor-inspired COVID pill crumbles, vexing experts

'experts' at FDA say approve it anyway

Rights groups petition Israel's top court over Omicron phone tracking

I see your true colors, shining though....

Covid: Dutch police arrest quarantine hotel escapees

threaten to put them in the same cell as Ghislane Maxwell

Covid: JCVI scientists to announce decision on booster rollout

Pfizer boss: Annual Covid jabs for years to come

Covid: Trigger of rare blood clots with AstraZeneca jab found by scientists

Many Severe Covid-19 Survivors Go on to Die Within a Year, Study Finds

What we know and don’t know about the omicron coronavirus variant

Omicron found in US—plus 23 other countries in 5 of 6 global regions

• Ghislaine Maxwell's sex-trafficking trial to begin in New York City
• as a courtesy, the prosecutor's office asked her how she'd like to die, when the video cameras in her cell go out.

Just for the good of this blog, Elon Musk has been in the news this week.

He said he's very serious about his plan to build a 'permanent moon base' and a 'city on Mars'

Right after that, he told his employees to stop rushing to increase quarterly deliveries.

This should be interesting. Will the Moon base spontaneously combust? Will the city on Mars crash into police cars? Will the Moon base have an accent?

• We Need to Stop Saying ‘Blacklist’ and ‘Whitelist’
• no, we need to stop telling people what they can and can't say

Speaking of telling people what they can and can't say, remember the people who were pissed at fashion magazines for creating unrealistic expectations on the part of the female readers?

My buddy called the other day to voice his complaint. He said that amateur pr0n created unrealistic expectations of people. He told me the couples were beautiful and well-built. How could real-life people possibly measure up to them? You don't see ugly, overweight people in amateur pr0n (except for the specialists). How could he possibly get a girlfriend when she was looking for an Adonis with a foot in his pants? It's unrealistic. It's one or the other (stop laughing). 

He makes sense. But my recommendations to the fashion magazine people still stand:

• learn to be ok with yourself
• learn what to do when people laugh at you
• do something so well, it makes up for your 'shortcomings'
• Parents: tech your kids about good self-image and confidence. Not everybody is a Hadid (or a Tracy Lords).
• The important one: sex can take place without a video of it. In fact, if you do it in the dark, she will never see your shortcomings. Take it from me, Dr. lefty Love. Mrs. lefty still thinks I look like a young Paul Newman, with a twelve inch measuring device in my pants.

Mrs. lefty just walked by, fresh from her monthly trip to buy Tupperware/Rubbermaid containers for leftovers and whatnot. When I went to use one, there was only a large space occupied by lids. What happens with containers after you buy them? Are they a special subset of socks? I checked all the other shelves and fridge - not even any containers in use.

If I remember correctly, Tupperware has a lifetime warranty. 

I'd like to get a replacement bowl.

Certainly, Sir. Do you have the old one?

No.

We can't replace without the broken one.

It didn't break.

Then what happened to it?

Best I can figger, it evaporated.

Evaporated?

Yeah. Or something like that. I have the receipt, so I paid for it. It's just not there anymore.

Perhaps you used it for storage.

For storage?

Yes, for your nuts. Or bolts.

Nah, I checked the attic and there are no nuts OR bolts.

Something else, then?

Hey - don't look at me with that superior tone and tell me I'm the first person who ever came to you with disappearing containers.

I can't offer you a replacement for disappeared items, but would you like some sex?

No thank you, I'm married.

Oh, sworn off sex completely then......

So there's the zombie dishes, the disappearing containers and the life-sucking couch. Are you ready to stop by for a while?

Don't even think, for a moment, that it's over, no sir, not at all.

Just this very evening:

Do you know why there are condoms on the bed?

WHAT?

Why are there are condoms on the bed?

We don't use condoms.

That's why I was wondering. 

No idea.

...and I went back to making dinner.

• We have a place for everything; it just changes every few hours.
• We thought we'd sage the house to clear it. Her mom suggested an exorcist.

Getting Even with Aardvarks

Your love is like  green eggs and ham

• Fired Employees Sue Google for Breaching 'Don't Be Evil' Part of Contract
• Lawyers for Google said the word 'Don't' was stricken from all work contracts
• Google has removed Pirate Bay domains from search results, citing Dutch order
• Do not use Google. Use duckduckgo.com

Today I identify as   a very popular $900 red Christmas tree

• Scientists figured out the chemistry behind marijuana's skunky scent.
• meanwhile, no one has figured out how it works or its long term effects - Go Science!
• Next up: scientists figure out why cocaine is white

My four day weekend went smoothly. Well, smoothly if you count by motion; I barely moved.

I don't move much while asleep, although I'm told I laugh a lot. In fact, I'm much more amusing when asleep. Napping is a large part of my life - I'm good at it and I practice often. Mrs lefty also raises the Nap Flag (it's black so you can't see it in the bedroom). I was rudely awakened from my first nap of the day by a request for assistance: someone had tripped. I got that sorted out and, shaking my head, left the room. Not before almost tripping on the thing Mrs. lefty tripped on. Every day is like the Three Stooges. It's only a matter of time until she asks me to carry a 2x12 and I turn around, hitting her in the head. Last night I fell down the steps, carrying shelves so we won't fall down the steps.

Of all the weird shit the builder did to this house, the absolute weirdest has to be the stairs. Halfway down, they turn at a ninety degree angle. No warning, no lights, no signs. The last washer we got broke trying to get it down the steps. I'm thinking of inviting my neighbor to see the steps....

Pants became a theme, perhaps because of the holiday, but not because I overate, no sir, I don't want you to leave with that impression. I was minding my own business, as I do once or twice a year, when the zipper to the aforementioned pants felt weird upon pulling up, and POOF, the zipper broke. I have never had a zipper break before. I couldn't figure out a way to fix it, as this is beyond rocket science (and napping). So I put on another pair - one with a functioning zipper. I sat in 'my chair' and felt weird. No, that can't possibly be liquid. I checked and I was wrong: it was liquid on my chair, and by extension, on my pants. Before having a Proper Fit, I went back one day, to discovering liquid on the couch. The dog lets us know when it's Liquid Time, and I believe the rest of us have the concept down, so we're stymied. So then it was time for a Proper Fit. I blasted through the bedroom door and turned the lights on, causing the dog to go into barking fits and the wife to go into Asking Fits. MY CHAIR IS WET. THE COUCH WAS WET. Plus I can't sit on the life-sucking couch.

I think this is either the universe fscking with me or it's the universe trying to tell me to just stay in fscking bed. There is no liquid in bed. I hope.

I spent a lot of quality aggravating time with my laptop over the past days. The long and short of it is that it would have worked much better if the manufacturer would have suggested installing their proprietary drivers. This was suggested during a recent conversation with them. They sent a link. It was on a part of the page I've never seen before, under How to Buy a $4,000 laptop, Staff Baseball league, Hawaiian pizza, How to Remove Nose Hair without Infection. It was too obvious for me to find.

The reason I was taking about my laptop is that the keyboard's 'A' key only works if you hit it a certain way. I'm getting close to hitting it with a hammer.  So that's $75 for a new keyboard, and $25 to ship it. I begged them not to ship USPS because I wanted to get it. And get it sometime before Summer. $25 to ship a new keyboard that has to weigh a pound or two. WTF is going on with shipping? Are they experiencing Supply Issues? Are the trucks on strike? Has President Taxit raised Unemployment Compensation or sent out more checks, so all the drivers quit? Are they demanding vibrating seats in the trucks and Comfort Girls in the cab? How come *I* don't get Comfort Girls when I go out somewhere? Hess trucks cost a few dollars to ship. WARNING: this year's Hess truck is an airplane, if you have OCD or that's the kind of thing that bothers you.

Have you ever worked on a laptop? It is not for the short-of-temper, ADHD, far-sighted, impatient, or blind. None of them are alike - I mean no single laptop out of the millions sold over the years is alike. If you're lucky like the Pope, there will be a YouTube video of the teardown. If you're unlucky like me, there will be little arrows on the case, telling you which screws to remove to get the case open. You also might find the process in the manual, which you threw away with the packing, or it came on a CD you couldn't find if you were on fire. Fortunately there's the website, where all the manuals are kept. Under How to Buy a $4,000 laptop, Staff Baseball league, Hawaiian pizza, How to Remove Nose Hair without Infection. After you get the screws out and pry the damn thing apart, there are no little arrows telling you what to do. But you sure do look intelligent, with two halves of s laptop on your 'bench', or dining room table that will not be used for dinner for a solid year, until your wife throws the damn thing out and you get a new one. Or become proficient in abacus. Or send the thing in for service. Or bribe your kids' friend, the odd-looking nerd who gets picked on all his life. Offer him something substantial, ok (guess who that nerd was)? WARNING: You will have screws left over. It's a universal fact.

In the process of cleaning, I watched Mrs. lefty arrange the cereal boxes. It took a while to figure out, but she was arranging them by size. So naturally I moved them around when she left. Every house with an OCD also has an Asshole, and that's me. The joke is probably on me, because it's just more time and effort. But like Christmas, it's worth it.

Guitar Center, like every retail outlet on the planet, had Black Friday, which lasted approximately a month. I didn't really think about it because I opted out of their emails. The first few were innocuous, but then they started arriving daily, accusing me of shopping at Sam Ash, and other local stores. I had to stop it. So naturally, after Black Friday it's Cyber Monday, the most blatant attempt at commercialism since Christmas. I was going to check Guitar Center out because I haven't been there since the Flying AIDS started. But getting up at 3pm and my napping schedule made it impossible. I'll have to wait a week or two, til everything is open til midnite. Or I could go online. This is where all of the sad Barnes&Noble customers have to go, after their stores were shuttered. I guess they got tired of people buying overpriced Starbucks drinks but not their overpriced books. I dunno.

Christmas or sales in general are sad times for the left handed... they advertise a Bob's Midnite Special guitar for 30% off. If you were to ask, they'd tell you it was only for the right handed models. If you want a lefty, it will be 30% extra. It doesn't matter - they don't have it in the store for anyone to try. At times, it's tiring being treated like a leper: you have to pick up a backwards guitar and your arm falls off. To be fair, Guitar Center had 135 guitars on sale. One was left handed. Either we have to acknowledge their effort, or burn the place down - your call.

Four days with the leftys. Do you have this kind of fun?

Good God, my feet are ugly.

• so far, the only Black Friday Month Cyber Monday Week item that generated any interest was a phone holder that clamps onto a surface and you can twist it around.  I'm easy. Very easy.

Cat Tails 

• All cats have ‘an element of psychopathy’, according to new study
• Woman found ‘breastfeeding cat’ onboard flight in front of horrified passengers, cabin crew messages reveal
• No, cat owners are psychopaths. Cats are just assholes. Mine used to jump on the stove, turning the gas on.

President Taxit released many barrels of oil to reign in gas prices.

To do their thing, Canada released half its store of maple syrup.

I did not make this up   

• One third of the workers in Australia's parliament have been sexually harassed, per a report
• Australia's doing some weird stuff lately, but guys - it sounds like there are job opportunities!

Flying AIDS news   

New variant: PANIC!!!

From discovery to global panic in 48 hours: How South African scientists' warnings about soaring cases of Covid super-mutant variant sparked frantic cabinet meeting and worldwide travel ban

Excellent, Smithers

Dr. $400k Fauci says the new super-strain is probably in the US already

uh-oh, we'll need a third vaccine and to wear four masks

U.S. President Biden says not considering new vaccine mandates

watch for mandates

Merck's COVID-19 pill significantly less effective in new analysis

do you mean to tell me a few months' testing doesn't produce accurate results?

US preps vaccine contingencies amid panic over poorly understood omicron

we don't understand it, but we're making up the contingencies now. Don't get mad - it's how we've handled everything so far...

Africa has extremely low COVID-19 death rates despite only 6% of its population being vaccinated,

• Jeffrey Epstein Spent Final Days In Fear of MS-13, Struggling With Constipation
• if  he was tormented by a cellmate, maybe the cellmate saw how he died.... it was apparently not on the toilet....

Nebraska’s attorney general recently identified 57 priests and other Catholic officials responsible for allegedly sexually abusing more than 250 victims

Sue the church. Force it to compensate victims. Prosecute the abusers, from the priests to the pope. It's long past time.

Which reminds me, it's Hanukkah. Or Chanukah. It's also Chanukkkahch. The Jews have a lot of holidays that sound alike. I wanted to explain Hanukkah for my non-Jewish readers (mostly for me). Hanukkah is observed for eight days and nights, strictly for the purpose of pissing off Christians, who think they have the only important holiday in December. Hanukkah commemorates the Jews setting alight the Holy Grail and walking around the desert for 40 years (the more modern Jews walk around the dessert for 40 years). They had a very bad sense of direction. Of course I kid - Hanukkah recognizes the only time in history the Jews were not picked on, for eight days straight. Right after Hanukkah, it was back to making bagels, and the usual, "My god is better than your god" stuff.

At the evening of each day, one candle on the menorah is lit. In ancient times, it was hard to tell the time, so most holidays begin the night before. Not only do the Jews have no sense of direction, they can't tell time. The candle is lit with the traditional Holy Flamethrower, by the head of the house or by any child they can get to stand still long enough.  Each night, another candle is lit. No one has the ability or math to figure out how many candles are lit in total, but rest assured each box of candles is always one short.

1 first night

11 second night

111 third night

1111 fourth night

I'm not typing this all out.

The children spin a dreidel, which is a little wooden spinny thing. After 300 years of persecution, most children have dropped the dreidel and instead play with the holiday edition of Playboy. It is said that Hugh Hefner did more for Judaism than Jesus himself. While the kids spin the dreidel, or play with Playboy, their parents make deep fried food, in tribute to the Christians. They also put mayonnaise on meat, which doesn't happen the other 357 days of the year.

Hanukkah is not a really important holiday, but it's used to get even with the Christians and Christmas. In fact, Hanukkah wasn't even invented until 1999, by Jews trying to sell Kwanzaa trees.

• We all have this coworker, don't we? The guy you ask a question, because he's very knowledgeable. Then the answer comes....
• Dear lefty: someone asked me about this 2 weeks back, on a Thursday, at 5pm. We came up with  a temporary workaround, but I asked for some information, that I haven't received an answer to. So I'm prodding you to prod the Boss, or it ain't gonna work right. And good luck catching the boss' attention. Even Ritalin doesn't help him. Let me know... I have a spreadsheet of every question everybody has asked me since I was hired.

Hey, don't forget, Giving Tuesday follows Cyber Monday. They want you to give to businesses that maybe you didn't give to on Cyber Monday. I didn't look, but I bet there were sales.

I can't wait for the rest of the week. Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday, Hyper Sales Wednesday, and my favorite, Naked Thursday. Note: Black Friday starts in October and runs through Christmas.

Then there's Boxing Day. This is not a US thing, but more a Canada thing, where Canadians stop talking about hockey for five minutes and throw boxes at each other. The box has to contain an absolutely stupid gift they received. The winner stays home.

• I did what I was told: I took the chainsaw and the pickup truck out so we could use the dining room table for Thanksgiving. Then a screen door tried to push Mrs. lefty down the stairs.