Like Mittens for Roosters

Your love is like  diptheria

Smartwatches for children are a privacy and security nightmare

Let me give you a tip: for adults too.

Today I identify as   my wife - won't she be surprised? 

Leaked footage shows British F-35B falling off HMS Queen Elizabeth and pilot's death-defying ejection

A Ministry of Defence spokesbeing said in a prepared statement: "We are aware of a video circulating online. We must state categorically that the video has nothing to do with this incident. The video in question features a different F-35B falling off a ship."

Major: Gentlemen.

Crew: SIR.

Major: Very nice planes.

Crew: Thank you SIR.

Major: I have a small, trifling little question.

Crew: SIR.

Major: there seems to be a space. You know, where we'd park a plane and all that.

Crew: SIR

Major: I was just wondering... if I remember correctly, there was a plane there when we left.

Crew: YES SIR

Major: So it's not just me.

Crew: NO SIR

Major: Does anybody remember what kind of plane it was?

Crew: F-35B, SIR

Major: So..... gentlemen...  has anybody seen the plane?

Crew: NOT RECENTLY SIR

Major: I don't want to put too much emphasis on this, but does anybody know where it went?

Crew: NO SIR

Major. Drat. Are you sure?

Crew: YES SIR

Major: Well. This is highly irregular. It will entail a lot of paperwork. Are you certain you don't know where it went?

Crew: WELL... OVER THE SIDE SIR

Major: I see. Aren't they supposed to be... you know... fastened down or something?

Crew: YES SIR

Major: I don't want to put too fine a point on it, but how, exactly, did it come to fall off the boat?

Crew SHIP, SIR

Major: Yes, quite. How did it fall off the ship?

Crew: IT WAS SMITH-JOHNSON-PHLEGM, SIR.

Major: I see. And how did this happen, Smith-Johnson-Pharnyx?

Smith-Johnson-Phlegm: Smith-Johnson-Phlegm, Sir.

Major: Yes, that's what I said. How did it happen, Smith-Johnson-Philosophy?

Smith-Johnson-Phlegm: Smith-Johnson-Phlegm, Sir. Well, I was getting around to securing the planes, and I forgot to set the parking brake.

Major: Let me see if I have this right... a multi-billion pound attack fighter fell off a boat

Crew SHIP, SIR

Major: because you forgot to set the parking brake?

Smith-Johnson-Phlegm: Yes, Sir. In my defense, Sir, Manchester United was playing.

Major: That sounds perfectly understandable.And why is Lion-Hunting looking so out of sorts?

Crew: PARACHUTE ACCIDENT, SIR

Major: Did he also forget to set the parking brake, like Smith-Johnson-Phoenetics?

Smith-Johnson-Phlegm: Smith-Johnson-Phlegm, Sir.

Crew: NO SIR

Major: Look, I feel we're getting nowhere.

Crew: YES SIR

Major: Where was Lion-Hunting during this whole fiasco?

Crew: IN THE PLANE, SIR

Major: I see. So. I assume we're all still talking about the plane that fell off the boat thingie...

Crew SHIP, SIR

Major: And what happened with the parachute?

Lion-Hunting: I had to use it, Sir

Major: I see. I see. Why did you need a parachute on a parked plane?

Lion-Hunting: It was out of control, Sir

Major: Well, it certainly was not in control in terms of being physically attached to the ship.

Lion-Hunting: Exactly Sir. I was in fear for my life, so I pulled the emergency release, Sir.

Major: And I expect that would also be responsible for all the parachute cord wrapped around the ship's antennas.

Crew: YES SIR

Major: I suppose it was a one in 37.5 billion chance it would spell out FSCK YOU on the boat.

Crew: SHIP SIR

So you're probably asking yourself how we're doing, rodentially speaking.

We are relaxed and expect smooth sailing from here, thank you.

After it was all over, the firemen told us that rodents really don't like fire, so they were probably the first ones out.

The Pentagon Forms New Department to Watch and Study UFOs

This is what we call UFO Theater.

First there was Harry Reid's $22 million project that recently went public. Now an actual Pentagon department. Government only grows.

If they want to be helpful and avoid UFO Theater (they don't), they can simply reveal where all UFO reports have gone to since before the 1940s. All of the information has gone upstream and exists somewhere. I don't know where this is, but this is the key to everything we know about whatever's flying around up there.

But we're not going to get the truth - we're getting UFO Theater.

Speaking of stuff flying around, NASA canceled a spacewalk because 'it's too risky outside.'

They're concerned about space debris.

You can't take us earthlings anywhere.

We're barely off the planet and have put so much shit around the planet that it's dangerous to be around.

IF there are aliens around, it's probably their job to see we don't get off the planet. Think about it - would you like us as your neighbors?

• Straight from the people who brought you BJ's Wholesale, is My Favorite Facial, a cosmetic.
• Let me add onto the end of the commercial: BUT WAIT!! If you buy now, we'll reduce the price from $39.99 to $19.99. Just see Dr. lefty. He will provide what will become Your Favorite Facial!

Flying AIDS News  

Omicron: Do travel bans work against new Covid variants?

don't ask questions - PANIC and get in line for the next shot

Womp, womp: Efficacy of Merck’s Thor-inspired COVID pill crumbles, vexing experts

'experts' at FDA say approve it anyway

Rights groups petition Israel's top court over Omicron phone tracking

I see your true colors, shining though....

Covid: Dutch police arrest quarantine hotel escapees

threaten to put them in the same cell as Ghislane Maxwell

Covid: JCVI scientists to announce decision on booster rollout

Pfizer boss: Annual Covid jabs for years to come

Covid: Trigger of rare blood clots with AstraZeneca jab found by scientists

Many Severe Covid-19 Survivors Go on to Die Within a Year, Study Finds

What we know and don’t know about the omicron coronavirus variant

Omicron found in US—plus 23 other countries in 5 of 6 global regions

• Ghislaine Maxwell's sex-trafficking trial to begin in New York City
• as a courtesy, the prosecutor's office asked her how she'd like to die, when the video cameras in her cell go out.

Just for the good of this blog, Elon Musk has been in the news this week.

He said he's very serious about his plan to build a 'permanent moon base' and a 'city on Mars'

Right after that, he told his employees to stop rushing to increase quarterly deliveries.

This should be interesting. Will the Moon base spontaneously combust? Will the city on Mars crash into police cars? Will the Moon base have an accent?

• We Need to Stop Saying ‘Blacklist’ and ‘Whitelist’
• no, we need to stop telling people what they can and can't say

Speaking of telling people what they can and can't say, remember the people who were pissed at fashion magazines for creating unrealistic expectations on the part of the female readers?

My buddy called the other day to voice his complaint. He said that amateur pr0n created unrealistic expectations of people. He told me the couples were beautiful and well-built. How could real-life people possibly measure up to them? You don't see ugly, overweight people in amateur pr0n (except for the specialists). How could he possibly get a girlfriend when she was looking for an Adonis with a foot in his pants? It's unrealistic. It's one or the other (stop laughing). 

He makes sense. But my recommendations to the fashion magazine people still stand:

• learn to be ok with yourself
• learn what to do when people laugh at you
• do something so well, it makes up for your 'shortcomings'
• Parents: tech your kids about good self-image and confidence. Not everybody is a Hadid (or a Tracy Lords).
• The important one: sex can take place without a video of it. In fact, if you do it in the dark, she will never see your shortcomings. Take it from me, Dr. lefty Love. Mrs. lefty still thinks I look like a young Paul Newman, with a twelve inch measuring device in my pants.

Mrs. lefty just walked by, fresh from her monthly trip to buy Tupperware/Rubbermaid containers for leftovers and whatnot. When I went to use one, there was only a large space occupied by lids. What happens with containers after you buy them? Are they a special subset of socks? I checked all the other shelves and fridge - not even any containers in use.

If I remember correctly, Tupperware has a lifetime warranty. 

I'd like to get a replacement bowl.

Certainly, Sir. Do you have the old one?

No.

We can't replace without the broken one.

It didn't break.

Then what happened to it?

Best I can figger, it evaporated.

Evaporated?

Yeah. Or something like that. I have the receipt, so I paid for it. It's just not there anymore.

Perhaps you used it for storage.

For storage?

Yes, for your nuts. Or bolts.

Nah, I checked the attic and there are no nuts OR bolts.

Something else, then?

Hey - don't look at me with that superior tone and tell me I'm the first person who ever came to you with disappearing containers.

I can't offer you a replacement for disappeared items, but would you like some sex?

No thank you, I'm married.

Oh, sworn off sex completely then......

So there's the zombie dishes, the disappearing containers and the life-sucking couch. Are you ready to stop by for a while?

Don't even think, for a moment, that it's over, no sir, not at all.

Just this very evening:

Do you know why there are condoms on the bed?

WHAT?

Why are there are condoms on the bed?

We don't use condoms.

That's why I was wondering. 

No idea.

...and I went back to making dinner.

• We have a place for everything; it just changes every few hours.
• We thought we'd sage the house to clear it. Her mom suggested an exorcist.