My days are getting mixed up - especially the numbers.
I was up at 5am!!!
Strictly because I was going to bed.
So naturally I'm up at 9.
- Your love is like giving birth to a baby, while having kidney stones
Since we've been locked in the house, we naturally have to go out for dog food. I'm getting ready, with chainsaws, machetes, and the old reliable flamethrower. And that's just to get in the car. There should be a Dog Food Lane at the store. Last time through, they only had 50lb (20oz Canadian) bags. Supply Chain Issues, of course. Penny weighs less than half that. Hopefully they have the smaller ones, or we'll have to fire up the heli-motor and visit different stores. I don't know what it's called, but I installed those hubcap accessories. You know what I'm talking about... the ones that sprout knives to shred tires of cars that get too close. People too, but don't tell anybody. I'd visit Guitar Center, but we can't keep the heli in the air that long, and it's bad form to crash your car into a house, especially from above.
The other problem with this trip is that it's messing up Mrs. lefty's coping strategy for me being home. Her coping strategy is to be on twelve hour opposite shifts from me. When I come down in the afternoon, she's just going to bed. When I go to bed, she's just coming down. This makes shopping together nigh impossible, which is actually great for me - I like shopping like SJWs like guns. Her strategy is quite similar through the year too. This is the secret to our (very) long marriage. So today we'll have to collaborate, which should be interesting. Meanwhile, the dog likes kielbasa, cornbread, and burgers.
She wants to go to Lowes. I said no's. To begin with, there are two state numbered streets required to get there. These streets were parking lots earlier in the week. The only chance we have is to wait til later, which suits me fine. She chimes in that everything will be closed then. Precisely.
Even if we survive the two streets, we'd have to survive Lowes. Even before the holiday season, they were beset by Supply Chain issues. Did you know supply chain issues also apply to staff? There's one poor, stupid, brand new employee running the place. She has to check people out, run to the back to check inventory, answer the phone, and talk on her phone to her girlfriend.
Whatcha doin?
Sucks. I gotta work.
No, right now. There are 37 people in my lane. I'm going slow so I get it right. Accuracy is important.
No. You're kidding me. Really? But I thought she wasn't allowed to own broom handles over ten feet.
The other employee comes in in a few hours. She keeps asking the customers how to operate the cash register and does anybody have the key. Meanwhile, the customers are left to help each other, which is a recipe for disaster, especially close to the holidays. Most are too busy in armed fights for the last toilet plunger to assist anybody. The lone employee gets on the p.a. system and tells everybody there's a six percent discount if you can help anybody find anything. This sometimes stops the gunfights and makes people downright pleasant.
Customer 1: Gee, those rat traps are huge. And expensive. There's only one - you take it.
Customer 2: You're too kind. But you were here first - you take it.
But only for so long...
Customer 1: I SAID YOU TAKE IT, YOU BASTARD
Then the guns come out again.
So we compromised: we're not going to Lowes today.
I'm starting to get pissed at my laptop. I had to replace the keyboard. Now I noticed that the buttons under the trackpad aren't even. As in the left button is halfway pushed down. The moment it becomes all the way down, I will send it back to the manufacturer with some dead shrimp inside. Note: this method of complaint is much more effective in the summer. It's bleedin one year old. The last one was over eight.
There is a special new organic deodorant out. It can also be used 'down there.'
Please tell me why we need a deodorant for Down There?
Oh, it has a name. One that I've completely forgotten.
I think it needs a more memorable name....
- Twat Fresh
- Bootylicious
- Dick Delightful
- Vag-a-Sweet
- Penis Proud
- Aromatic Asshole
- Crotch Corrector
If I can't get canceled, maybe I can get sued.
Minds work funny. Some funnier than others. Some more neurotic than others.
Being on forced vacation, I just noticed I passed Week 1, having accomplished more or less, just about, approximately nothing. So I'm getting nervous that I only have one more week left. Are you with me here? See, I can be neurotic just like normal people!
At least I'll be able to get out of the house next week (he says, as the Universe laughs, heartily but soundlessly).
As of last week, the dog got two mice.
And when I say got, I mean he scared the shit out of them and they ran right into the trap.
Dog 2, Mice 0.
Then Wife saw two mice crossing the sidewalk.
Then Wife watched an episode of a show that was called The Mouse.
What is someone trying to tell us?
The neighbors get them too., until summer, when it's Ant Time.
I can't wait for Snow Leopard Saturdays!
You know your date is going south when....
- You discover hers is bigger than yours
- She wants you to sit on her lap so she can feed you because she's much bigger
- She will wrestle you for the check
- She wants to move in. After the first date.00000000000
- She keeps saying you'd look really good with nipple clamps
- She wants to talk to you about white male privilege
- She threw out your old clothes and bought you things 'you'd look much better in'
- You have to keep her for life because every time you try to break up, she threatens to slit her wrists
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