We're locked down. Rations are dwindling. Have to feed the dog tuna. She's never been happier.
Ok, maybe not.
Wife had to brave the cold and roads to go out. The cold we can suffer, but the roads are parking lots. This includes the main road that our street dumps onto. If we want to get something to eat, there's no point in taking the car - just put on our winter best and hike. The snowshoes are worthless, as there is no snow. We can still use the ski poles, or maybe pick up some branches for walking sticks. Maybe if we take the dog, people will be nice and let us cross the street without running us over. Running us over with all traffic stopped - they'd find a way.
An old Christmas tradition is on Christmas eve, we go to the nearest mall, get some hot chocolate, and watch the loons run around at the last minute. They need to pick up a few things, and by that I mean they need to do their entire Christmas shopping in the hour the mall remains open. They are generally men, and of course they are. We are clueless. The women have had their entire list made up and crossed off since June, whereas we don't have any ideas for our spouse or significant other. We haven't listened to a thing they've said all year, sometimes out of necessity, so we don't know what to get them. We pass the displays of fuzzy slippers, bath robes, shoes, adult toys, and gloves, with panic on our faces. We don't know her shoe size, clothes size, ring size, or favorite color.
Laughing harder are the salespersons. I can't call them salesmen or this blog will get canceled. They have gone through special training for Last Minute Christmas and have switched to Last Minute Mode. They make sure never to make eye contact with potential customers. If one looks particularly manic or in panic, they subtly move in the other direction. If all else fails and a customer manages to wrangle a salesperson, they are taught to be calm and dense as tar....
Sales: Can I help you?
Customer: Yeah.. I need.... everything. [panting]
Sales: Oh, Sir, calm down. Are you calmed down now? If you calm down, we can get through this together. Who are you buying for?
Customer: My family. All of them. My other family, in different states. My boss. My secretary.
Sales: Oh, I see. Well, our shipping department has closed and I don't think you'll find one in the entire state that can get packages across the country by tomorrow. I hope this doesn't ruin your calm.
Customer vibrates
Sales: Do you have a wife? Husband? How many?
Customer: just the traditional wife. HURRY.
Sales: You have to buy carefully, or you'll be sleeping on the sidewalk. How about a snowblower?
Customer: Why on earth would I buy my wife a snowblower?
Sales: To keep the sidewalk clean when you sleep there. We have sex balls.
Customer: WHAT are sex balls?
Sales: The things over there, next to the sex massagers.
Customer: for my WIFE?
Sales: You know what they say - happy wife, happy life. You could just buy them for your secretary.
Customer: She has them.
Sales: Well, we're all out of clothes.
Customer: What are all the things hanging on racks all over the place?
Sales: Props. How about some slippers? What size is she?
Customer: How the hell should I know?
Sales: They come in small, medium, and large, so you can just estimate.
Customer: I saw them on the way in. They're picked over, mismatched, and some old lady almost broke my arm to get to the last pair.
Sales: Socks are thoughtful. Oh, but you have to know her size. Pocketbook?
Customer: No, I don't have one.
Sales: For your wife, silly. What colors does she like?
Customer: She's a tough woman - black and blue.
Sales: Over there are our pocketbooks, in green and yellow. I'm sure she'll love one. Better run, there are only two left.
Customer: What does a pain in your chest mean?
Sales: It means you better finish your shopping fast. How about a lawnmower?
Customer: She doesn't mow.
Sales: Rake?
Customer: She doesn't rake.
Sales: Large green shed?
Customer: She doesn't like green. The HOA would have a fit.
Sales: Hideous rubber boots - they're all the rage.
Customer: She'd sooner eat them than wear them.
Sales: Jewelry?
Customer: Already bought some. For my secretary.
Sales: Fire extinguisher? As Seen On TV lawn spritzer and pillow set?
Customer: I'm beginning to think you're messing with me.
Sales: Sir, we're committed to customer satisfaction. How about a gas container, with gas.
Customer: POP...nnnngh... blah blah..... goo goo...
Sales: We got another one, station two. It took a while, but my training pulled me through. Take him away and add it to my bonus.
- Deer penis is a Chinese medicine.
- On a completely unrelated note, be careful what you put in your mouth.
So it's Day Two, more or less. I got up way too early, at 11.
The plan was to go out.
What I didn't know was Shoe Depot was having a sale. So much for that idea.
Wife calls eventually: do you want me to pick up something for dinner? Well, I've been cutting down on hoagies and pizza because of my teeth. Oh yeah. Just pick something up. Ok, you like the hot version of the tuna hoagie, right? Since this is a half mile away, it will only take 90 minutes.
So yes, it's getting more and more difficult to leave the house. After joking about my Agoraphobia Certificate, it seems the Universe is trying its best to confer one upon me.
So I'm left wondering what to DO. At 11am, I'd be looking forward to lunch at work. Because I'm not working, I'm not looking forward to lunch because I'm not hungry for some reason. Might have something to do with the four slices of Chocolate Death Cake I had for breakfast.
At 2am, the Crazy Lady next door went for a ride in an ambulance. No matter what anyone tells her, she will not stop trying to fly, using the bottom steps as a landing strip. I could boobie-trap her place, but there's no sport in it. We decided that her punishment for being a nasty old $&#^ to us was having to live next to us.
You see that it's only my second day and I'm already looking around, bored. If this keeps up, there will be mischief.
Life hasn't changed for Mrs. lefty - she's still doing all the things she does daily. Actually life has changed... she now has to put up with me, and I see what she does daily. No, vacation is not going well for anybody. Except the dog. Penny hates my laptop because she believes my lap is hers exclusively. Now she simply leaps onto my lap and screw the laptop. She will nap for hours, with me having to try to reach around her to hit the ENTER key. It turns out that paws DO operate a trackpad, as I discovered when I sent a Christmas email to my boss.
I was told to get Wife NOTHING for Christmas. Now think about this.... what would happen to you if you didn't get your SO presents for Christmas? You'd be walking funny for weeks. But she's serious. Fortunately the internal children/alters have put no such restrictions on the holiday. But this year, the Hess Truck is a plane. I don't think that will be a problem. So the kids get their toys and, since Wife wants nothing, a small tractor-size load next to the tree shall suffice. This year I got romantic: I hired out her favorite shoe store for a few hours, no other customers - just her. She's free to go up and down every aisle. I will enjoy the spectacle from the sidelines, with a tub of vanilla buttercream icing, a spoon, and lots of alcohol (remember, I'm learning how to drink properly). The joke was on me last year: I was expecting Serious Marital Relations, but instead, she sat there, checking out her booty (the shoes, not her butt). She has no booty, and for that, I'm thankful. I just don't like a posterior so large, you can sit your drinks on it. I'm not particular about boobies either, I just require an even number of them. I don't know what Mrs. lefty preferred, but she's stuck with me. Really poor judgment.
So that's why I haven't done much on my second day.
I think I'll take off every Friday next year, which means it will only snow on Fridays.
Who is this lunatic and why does he whine about having to take vacation?
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