Adjusting Ring Adjusters - or - Forced Vacation, more or less Day 11

 lefty.

lefty?

LEFTY!

huh.. oh.. uh... what? Is the house on fire? Sale on ice cream? Does somebody want sex?

What's today's date.

You have no phone?

I don't know where it is.

So it's my problem, then. 

Yes.

Never, even on forced vacations, wake me at 8:30 to ask the date.

Ok. Don't forget - you have to go shopping with us today.

I know.

What day is today?

This is more than you've said to me all weekend. Why does it have to come out all at once, during NSH (Normal Sleeping Hours)? 

I'm... sorr.... [snore.....snore...snore...]

So... she goes back to sleep, I can't sleep, and the city is about to knock on my door, asking to see my permit for operating heavy equipment. It's ok, the inspector will hear her snoring, we'll laugh, and he'll go back to prosecuting people who put pools in their yards or built some outdoor furniture. But you seriously want to be careful if building something in Philly. It's not that the inspectors are on the take, but there is a pre-printed, plastic covered sheet with the building activity and the suggested bribe for it.

POOLs (below 4')     $20

POOLs (above 4')     $40

Fix broken concrete sidewalk     $30 before it hardens, $40 after, 

POOL (in ground)     $100-500 depending on complexity and level of bikini around it

Homeowners are advised to make the 'donation' early. If my supervisor has to come out, all suggested donations are doubled. Beer would be nice too.

Please place 'donation' in brown envelope, on nearest steps, then turn around for 30 seconds, as if you were remembering something, Make sure you look thoughtful.

Kentucky is very busy cleaning up after that horrible 'weather event.' 

When they're done, they want to change the state motto:

• Kentucky - WHY?
• Kentucky - our tornadoes are better than your tornadoes
• Kentucky - there are states that don't have tornadoes at all
• Kentucky - roads are clear, drunken tractor races are on!

Our Kentucky reader had some damage to the house but is safe. And everybody is terrified.

PTSD is quite real, and as soon as the wind blows over 10mph, they're right back there, in the midst of things. Houses will be rebuilt - people take longer.

Being Attention Addled, I have to use every trick I can to help myself function.

I have a small container by the door, with everything I need to take with me when I go out.

This helps immensely.

Until last night.

I grabbed everything I needed, drove away, and realized I forgot my phone.

Why?

Because it was next to the container with everything I needed to go.

Sometimes I even outsmart myself.

Here's our tribute to 'Who's on First', called 'Who Has 98.6'

So I'm getting ready for that aforementioned shopping trip, now that it's 1:30 and everybody's awake (but me). I have a wisdom tooth that likes to pop up, just to annoy me, and cause mouth pain. It somehow knew I was desperate to get out of the house and popped right up. Just for fun, I decided to see if I had a temperature....

Where is the thermometer this week?

Hang on.... 

Ah, on the toilet. I should have known.

[takes temperature]

Well, I have either 96.7, 98.4, or 99.5. Isn't it supposed to DING when it's done? Why is this so difficult? 

Lemme look at it. I guess LO means it needs batteries.

I'll back you on that. The next question is where the batteries are today.

[looks in bathroom, dining room, under car] Dammit - where are they?

[returns with different thermometer]

We have a second one?

Yes, push the button and scan across your forehead.

Beep beep beep. 70.5

I TOLD YOU TO PUSH THE BUTTON AND SCAN ACROSS YOUR FOREHEAD.

Which is, strangely, what I did.

[grabs thermo, puts it to head, looks at result] Great - this one needs batteries too.

Good, I was terrified you wanted me to shove it up my ass.

I could do that, you know....

Perhaps later, thanks. Any idea which number we like?

You feel warm. Stay home.

Ain't technology grand?

• What's that noise?
• Something fell off the table, so the dog is barking at it.