The Belgian Spider Shuffle -or- Forced Vacation, Day 1

Your love is like  cat burgers

Why You Should Stop Using the Phrase 'Master Bedroom'

the SJWs will be the death of us....

Today I identify as   a spork

 With great hope and even more trepidation, I started my first day of Forced Vacation. You remember - the days Work told me I have to take or I lose them. Only vacationing is... hard.. for me. When I work, there's always something to do, and a right way to do it. Without the structure of work, I get confused. And I get up to things, like organizing a Pied Piper to lead all the loud little neighborhood children off the street. You'd think the neighbors would have a vested interest in keeping my little mind occupied. Except for next door, who also thinks the children are too damn loud.

I began my day just like any other: screamed in horror at the realization I had to get up. The only difference is that I screamed at 2pm, not 7am. And believe me, after all that sleep, I needed a nap. I wasn't even sure I had enough energy to carry me from the bed to the sofa, where I could safely start my napping activities in earnest.

After hooking up the coffee IV, I began to plan the day. More accurately I planned the day's naps. I nap well. I was even going to go professional until I discovered depressed people can sleep all day. How could I possibly compete with that? It was so demoralizing, I needed a nap.

After I got that sorted out, I screamed again, because I remembered this was day 1 of my forced vacation. I wasn't ready. How does one prepare for something like this? I didn't have the time to do the research before I got my days off. I'm a vacation novice - I was scared. After some breathing exercises the doctors gave me, I screamed again. Breathing exercises don't work. Nor does visualization or meditation, or any of that other crap, especially on the attention-addled. One doctor had me close my eyes and picture myself going down flights of stairs. When he was done, it was apparent he had hypnotized himself, while the whole exercise just annoyed me and I could hear every car that went by the office, through the closed window. It was right out of a sitcom, maybe Monk. Maybe Three Stooges.

I sat with the dog for a while. Dogs are great for people. They get anxiety and blood pressure down. I asked her what we should have for breakfast and what I should do on my first day of vacation. The answers, as usual, were a can of tuna, and rub her belly. Oddly, this did not lower my blood pressure. And I stopped eating tuna for breakfast after the porta-potty incident.

I had been giving some thought to what to do on vacation. Let me know if you think any of these would be good....

• taking the time to learn to drink properly 
• getting a job as a reviewer of pr0n, writing about the plot
• a second midlife crisis
• learn a quick, easy foreign language. Like Chinese.
• translate all versions of the bible to Swahili
• crash course on making those little drink umbrellas
• find a trophy girlfriend (made difficult by Wife's strict No Dating policy)
• Learn how to be a chef. At least learn to drizzle stuff over something the chef made.
• help Wife get rid of her frequent headaches

While I'm dealing with this crisis, Mrs. lefty tells me not to mention it too frequently. She thinks there will be precious little sympathy for me. I think she's out of touch, but I humor her because I love her. Our relationship is based on love. Love and humoring the other one.

The second bouncy castle death incident happened the other day in Australia. This time five children died. Word of advice to the alleged adults: get the children out before you launch the castle into the air. This proves we haven't learned anything from history. In medieval times, the castle was used for defense, to protect the people. As a side note, it was not bouncy either. At no point did people launch the castle at the invaders. Had we paid attention in school, or if there was a live brain cell among the adults, those children would still be alive today.

• Firefox users can't reach Microsoft.com. A workaround has been published, leaving users to believe there's something wrong with not being able to reach Microsoft.

Flying AIDS News  

Current vaccines are enough to fight omicron, but massive wave is coming fast

Fauci says PANIC, dammit!  

No jab, no job: Google will fire unvaccinated employees

Omicron largely evades immunity from past infection or two vaccine doses

‘Striking’ vaccine resistance in Omicron variant: Columbia University

Fauci says a redefinition of fully vaccinated is 'on the table'

Today’s coronavirus news: Ontario’s limit on indoor social gatherings to be cut from 25 people to 10, and outdoors from 100 to 25, with indoor capacity at restaurants and bars halved: sources

Court allows Biden employer vaccine mandate to take effect

Scuffles break out at anti-lockdown protest in Parliament Square as thousands of protestors opposed to vaccine passports and Plan B rules clash with police while ministers consider more restrictions

I'll bet the bastards didn't see this coming...

London's New Year's Eve celebration in Trafalgar Square cancelled due to Covid surge

Covid's icy grip on Europe: Winter infections soar on the continent as Belgium rages with anti-lockdown riots, Holland enforces brutal new curbs and Germany bans tourists in desperate bid to slow the march of Omicron

Mask-wearing on planes may be here to stay, Fauci says

Health officials say omicron variant likely to cause record-high coronavirus cases, hospitalizations in U.S.                      but but but    we're vaccinated and triple-masked

Have a seat, cuz this one is a shocker....

Nancy Pelosi (D, Hell) rejected a stock-trading ban for members of Congress and their spouses.

"Like, if we couldn't make millions on stocks and bribes, we'd have nothing to do all day. If we didn't do anything, the people would get the idea we're beholden to them or something. They would, like, call and email and stuff, asking for stuff and asking me to vote one way or the other. What kind of representative democracy would that be?"

• a Florida man was kicked off a United flight for using a thong as a mask, in protest
• he said since the thong covered both his mouth and nose, he was in compliance with rules, and compared himself to Rosa Parks. Parks could not be reached for comment.
• United said it stands behind its crew: "Thongs are only allowed in the cockpit."

I'll bet you didn't know there is a Ham Sniffer

I don't think panty-sniffing counts as experience.

Or hair-sniffing. But you could ask.

A Florida man denied owning meth packets wrapped around his penis.

I guess he wanted to go all night 

Dat not my meth

• An Idaho man charged with murder and cannibalism in the death of a 70-year-old man allegedly believed that eating the victim’s flesh would “cure his brain.”
• I'm not a doctor, but I think he'll need more than eating the guy to cure his brain,

I'm still quaking from the dental work. It has truly affected my life.

I'd be so happy, grateful, and ignorant, if the doc didn't tell me, on the way out, "I'd still take it easy for the rest of my life. No breaking or pulling food with your front teeth. Like pizza."

Well fsck. It's not like half of my diet isn't pizza.

But that warning from her sits in the back of my head, making me nervous (competing with all the other voices). Evaluating everything I eat. Saying NYAH NYAH. Ridiculing the size of my... junk. Making me neurotic, like some bad sitcom star.

Strangely enough, Mrs. lefty has developed a real taste for pizza and hoagies lately. Have you ever seen a man eat a hoagie with a KNIFE? Cutting off half inch SLICES of it to shove in his mouth?

As if that weren't bad enough, the cherry on top is that I can no longer play the guitar with my teeth, ala Jimi Hendrix. Pretty soon, I'll have to turn in my Man Card<tm>.

What do you want for Christmas, little boy?

I want a Jaguar

the Flying Spaghetti Monster

It's, like, Christmas, you know, d00d.

I think we'd all benefit from holding hands and singing

2021 SJW Non-Denominational Songs of the Season  

1. I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
2. Grandma Got Run Over by Antifa
3. We Wish You a Non-Denominational Song of the Late December Season
4. On the First Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me-One Just Made BLM Sign
5. We Need a Little Kwaanza
6. Silent Night (with no hate speech)
7. Feliz Navidad (you better learn Spanish-we're changing all the street signs and legal forms)
8. I'm Dreaming of No White Privilege
9. O Little Town of Bethlehem, where nobody was allowed to carry guns
10. Hark! The 256-Gendered Angels Sing
11. All I Want for Christmas is Preferential Gender and Minority Hiring
12. Deck the Halls with Parts of Whitey

The staff of ThermionicEmissions wishes you a Happy Whatever.

The usual reminders apply:

If you're hurting, talk to someone

Keep your family and friends close - you never know when you can use one to take the fall

Consciously appreciate those close to you. Tell them so.

If someone does a good job- let them know. They may never have heard it before.

Thanks for coming by. I appreciate you.