Watch Out for Flying Enemas

 Your love is like  reading too much of this blog

I have a smart nephew.

My smart nephew is also funny.

The teacher announced they would be playing German dodgeball.

My smart nephew asks if this means they only kick the ball at the Jewish kids.

He sat the entire game out.

Smart kid.

He's back to school physically, five days a week. He told me they had to attach things to each other in the bathrooms because people were stealing toilet paper holders and urinals. Apparently this is a TikTok thing.

In my day, we didn't bother stealing urinals. We lit explosives and flushed them down the loo. What's wrong with kids today?

Today I identify as  a nipple clamp. the left one.

CDC director Dr. Rochelle Walensky decides to overrule her own agency’s advisory panel and recommend boosters for workers who interact with the public a lot, calling into question the administration’s simplistic and often inaccurate slogan, “follow the science”

• 'The Wire' star Michael K. Williams overdosed on cocaine, heroin, fentanyl accidentally: ME
• That's an awful lot of drugs to accidentally overdose on 
• dammit.. did I take too much fentanyl with my cocaine and heroin?

Arm the Homeless

A homeless man went into Shake Shack in Canoga Park, CA, got loud, and was asked to leave.

He returned and opened fire on the store.

Fortunately no one was hurt, although the shakes had a metallic taste for a few hours.

• An elderly Michigan man is accused of trying to bomb phone stores to stop the spread of porn.
• He was from "The Coalition for Moral Telecommunication" 
• The only question is whose morals
• Next week he will be trying to bomb hairdressers to stop wars

News from Occupied Australia

Australia Police Goes Door to Door: "Are You Aware Of Any Planned Protests Or Events Coming Up?"

• Over here we put food on a plate, we do not plate food

Check out "Nona and the Carefully-Placed Listening Devices" - a great lesbian spy noir romance, taking place in beautiful downtown Detroit. "Detroit sure has changed," Nona thinks to herself.

Nona's love interest is Stevie. Stevie looks around and says to herself, "Detroit sure has changed."

They meet at Van Dyke's, a popular bar for spy noir romances. They're both dressed in suits and ties, causing some concern, because the dress code says only one tie per couple. It is decided only Nona will wear the tie. To meet in the middle, she puts on Stevie's tie too. Nona mentions she's a spy, and Stevie says no way - she definitely looks more like a grass mechanic and part time yield sign. They commiserate over the face that no one yields anymore..

"Well, grass mechanic is my cover for spying," intones Nona.

"Who are you spying on, and for?" asks Stevie.

"If I told you, I'd have to...."

"Kill me?"

"No, shave your body hair."

"Shall we leave?" asks Stevie, face flushed.

In their hotel room, the tv is playing a commercial... Ladies... is your nipple hair so long you can braid it? Try new Nip-Ex! Spread it on, the hair's gone. Bring a friend. Have Nip-Ex parties. Try it on your husband!

Stevie asks if Nona has noticed the general decline in the level of advertising these days.

"It started when Bruce Jenner died," said Nona.

"Bruce Jenner never died. He just changed sexes."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. He went from the cereal box straight into the operating room. They even shaved his adams apple down. But strictly between us, he doesn't make a very fetching chick. I hear they modeled his vagina on Oprah's."

"Let me see if I have this correct: Bruce jumped the fence instead of the hurdle. The Kardashians only date black men, and Bruce's vagina is black."

"This is why you're such a great spy. You pick things right up and you know the color of a vagina. Would Bruce date black men too?"

"I like black women but not black vaginas. You?"

"I've never seen a woman with a different colored vagina."

"You need to get out more."

Stay tuned for part 2 of  "Nona and the Carefully-Placed Listening Devices" on this here blog, As the Stomach Turns.

• Paralympic swimmer Nadine Grossman died yesterday when she fell into a pool

Your tax dollars at work 

After 47 years, the Tennessee Valley Authority will give up its construction permit for its unfinished nuclear plant.

Refund checks to the taxpayers will be issued next week.

Heh heh heh. Refund checks.

We know I'm the Anti-Sports. We know it was fascinating and enraging when I discovered projected/artificial lines over hockey and football fields. What would we like to see?

• tiny pictures of Princess Meghan naked
• long urls to pictures of Princess Meghan naked
• minute-by-minute earnings of team owners
• biggest secret of each team (pictures of the front 4 in women's clothing)
• who has the Flying AIDS and is still playing
• whose wife is about to catch him and with what
• fake nudes of Princess Meghan

With a few minor modifications, maybe sports will be tolerable after all...

Nah.

Wouldn't it be cool if you could remove your head? Like a hat... just take it off.

Think of the hijinks!

• scare the bejesus out of most people who see you  (except morticians)
• give new meaning to 'getting some head'
• become a ventriloquist without practicing
• constantly repeat "I'd lose my head if it weren't attached to me... oh."
• make sex really kinky
• have fun riding horses
• prove you're not talking out your ass and it's impossible to put you head up your ass
• finally be able to perform oral sex on yourself   (don't tell me you never thought about it)

Happy birthday Moon Unit Zappa

gag me with a spoon

• One of my delightful coworkers told me if I hated Windows 10, wait til I saw Windows 11
• I feel all warm and tingly now 

I just sat next to my silent phone in the office for 8 hours.

I got up to get a Coke and when I came back, I had missed a call.

This is why I don't get invited to parties.

According to new stats from Public Health Wales:

-99% of people who tested positive for Covid in the past week were under 60 years old

-63% were vaccinated

-87% of COVID hospitalizations were vaccinated.

Interesting numbers.

• Karen Croake Heisler: 67 year old forner Notre Dame professor says "damn the unvaccinated," dead 12 days after third Pfizer mRNA injection

President Taxit has included in his infrastructure bill, fines and enforcement for vaccine mandates. Think about that for a a minute...

Know what's creepy?

Going into your browser and it saying "Hi lefty" up top.

Why did that happen?

Because it's MS Edge, yet another differently-abled MS browser. It's shoehorned in so tightly with Windows that it knows your login and greets you. NOTE: Firefox does not greet you.

MS software is getting worse and worse this way. Between Sharepoint, Office, and Teams, everything's aware of what you're doing and almost anyone can look at the history of what you've done with the software. NOTE: this can also be controlled by system administrators, but it's there

I'm not sure how many degrees of Public Separation this is, but Dog the Bounty Hunter has entered the manhunt for Brian Laundrie, boyfriend of the late Gabby Petito. Hopefully Doggie has his shoe lifts all tuned up. No, wait, that's not fair. Hopefully he has his mullet tuned up. No, that's not fair either. Hopefully he has the camera crew in great shape.  Regardless, Dog -  Do the Laundrie.

I live in a 7 ring circus. The number of rings runs from 5-7, unless it's a particularly weird day.

I do not want my circus taken away.... I'd just like the rings taken down to 3 most days. If the circus went away, I'd have to create my own mayhem, and we wouldn't want that.

[on phone to me] I didn't realize it was so late

and we're tragically down to 37 clocks 

• There are 3 lanes for takeout at the Chik Filet
• the car in front of me turned into a submarine
• a 17 car pileup because someone's car figured out how to fly and everybody looked up
• an intersection closed down because there was a car with flashing lights on (before the Tesla hit it)
• the dog drank my milkshake
• traffic isn't moving because somebody got out of the car to walk their alpaca
• my straw broke in the car and I couldn't drink anything

And this is normal for "I just have to run an errand"

[Judge]  I understand you do charitable work

[defendant] Yes, I work with poor children

[Judge]  What do you do?

[defendant]  I take them around and show them other parts of the city. Parts they'll never be able to afford.

[Judge]  GUILTY!

The Vagaries of Elephant Sexing. And Sexting.

After our great success with the battery-powered Worx mower, we purchased a Worx... thing... it's a small chainsaw attached to a long pole. Wife says it's for getting rid of high branches. I say it's for long distance torturing of certain neighbors.

I guess it depends on who handles it.  Meanwhile, it's waiting in the kitchen.


ThermionicEmissions is saddened to hear Beth Chapman, Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife, passed away, most likely from cancer (1967-2019). Although an occasional target of the blog, we send our best to Dog and family.

• Japan is set to resume whale hunting. They say it's essential.
• Reached for comment, the whales say it's not essential.
• Funny mishap on the first day: someone harpooned Rob Reiner.

At the Glastonbury Festival (England's answer to Woodstock III), people observed...

Unfortunate songstress Neneh Cherry was warbling through her set when the veteran OS finally gave up the ghost. Alas, XP was dealing with the stage back projection, meaning that the audience lurched from being vaguely surprised to learn that Cherry was still around to the horrifying realisation that so was XP.

Yes, Windows XP, the long out of support, dead OS. Perfect example. The only safe, past term OS, is one that runs by itself and doesn't connect to any network. When Microsoft tells you to upgrade, they're not kidding. And you know how I feel about Microsoft.

•  Mauritania (election controversy), Ethiopia (coup), Syria (2x, exams), have had large internet 'interruptions' with the past few hours. This shows you how important the net is, and how control of it is so important for tyranny. Remember this the next time you demand internet censorship and control.

Confused by all the news about Huawei?

Just discovered were 3 accounts on a big business router; all 3 were hard-coded (built in and not removable), one was root (access to everything) and 2 were system accounts. The passwords are the same, so if you know one, you know them all. I suspect the ability to 'phone home' will also be discovered.

So if you don't understand why many are calling for dumping their products, you're starting to. As a glance at the news will tell you, our government is not all that good at securing things. Nobody on the planet wants to fire up their networking gear and find out it's available to anyone with the password and it's sending data to China (where companies work even closer with their government).

This is why it's disheartening to see the president and others backtracking on the ban. [never hope politicians finally 'got it']

Along those lines, large cloud services provider PCM was hacked, as discovered in mid-May. Why do I say that if you can no longer touch your data, it's no longer yours? The moment you let things loose past your home or business, you are at the mercy of bright as well as bungling people/corporations. You've widened your attack surface (made yourself easier to hit with a foul ball).  The hack was accomplished via phishing, as most are lately.

In reality, you're not going to avoid The Cloud, whether you know it or not. Just don't choose to. Sync your browser passwords? Get your info from anywhere there's a connection? Get login and password from anywhere you are? It's in The Cloud.  Just don't put anything out that you don't have to, especially for the sake of convenience. 

Dear lefty:

• Where can I get a tin foil hat like you? What's your size?
• Just pretend you have one and act accordingly. It will eventually materialize; faster if you're referred to as one by friends or online. 
• My size varies, depending on how smug I feel that day. It's always large, though.

A lot of you are probably asking yourselves about the incidence of human feces incidents in San Francisco. Anticipating your question, I found the following...

I don't know which surprises me more: that there are so many or that there are stats. A San Francisco friend's comment was 'notice the color'.

• Several days after once again brandishing swords with the US, Iran said it's over the limit of plutonium it's supposed to have.
• They also announced they have very small penises.

There are people who have read ThermionicEmissions via online translation!

Nice to know I can frighten people in other countries.  World domination is imminent. 

• Sony is celebrating the 40th anniversary of the Walkman (1979). Where were you when it came out? A twinkle in your parents' eye? The back seat of a brand new Oldsmobile Cutlass station wagon? Still post-traumatic over the conversion to unleaded gas?

Karl Rove (R-Hell) was bemoaning the shit show that was the Democratic debates. His main objection was federal abortion funding, which he said 'violates morals and people don't want their tax dollars funding abortion.' Hey Karl - I'm morally opposed to war. I don't want my tax dollars funding the military industrial complex. You're a smart fella - you know it doesn't work this way... it's just convenient for your religious agenda.

Say what you will about Kellyanne Conway, but that New Jersey accent makes you want to gouge your own eardrums out. The sad thing is that her accent isn't all that bad for New Jersey.

This week's best overheard:

When police dug up the yard, they found the body. But unless it had 3 legs, there was another body down there somewhere.

COWORKER Follies

Ring ring...
Me: Yes?
Him: Hi, it's me. I wanted to get your idea on this project. I don't want to send the email first, then do the rest.
Me: I'm thinking we should wait on the email.
Him: Yes, but if we wait on the email, the boss will be upset.
Me: Why do you always call me to argue with yourself? Is your wife often upset with you and you can't figure out why?

• A baseball player died in a hotel at a young age. There is no cause of death but police don't believe foul play or suicide was involved. 
• When a musician dies, the cause of death is announced immediately, without autopsy.
• When there is a particularly nasty explosion, it is automatically not terrorism, before any investigation.
• How do they know this stuff?
• our condolences to the pitcher's wife of 7 months.

SJW News

Nike co-opted the Betsy Ross flag as a sneaker decoration.
There was incredible howling from Colin Kaepernik, because 'it takes us back to slavery'.
Nike will not sell them in the US.
Demands to destroy the Betsy Ross House and Betsy Ross Bridge are pending.

Men have named women's body parts, which is sexist.

Oreo is giving away special Pronoun Packs and encouraging everyone to share their pronouns with pride today and every day.

Artificial? Yes. Intelligence? No.

I was listening to some radio the other day. It briefly mentioned weather control. Weather control exists and has existed since the Civil War, when the combatants realized all that gunpowder going up to the clouds caused it to rain. Weather control is certainly one reason why the weather is so unbelievably messed up. The east coast seems to have more clouds than sun. I'd study it scientifically, but I don't need that kind of depression. Other explanations include climate change, global warm showers with massage, and the hot air coming from the White House for the last 50 years.



Dear lefty:

• What's eating you today?
• You.

• I want to recommend this blog to a friend. How would you describe it?
• Hostile to democrats. And republicans. And Social Justice Workers. And the Stupid. And tv, the outdoors, mowing, Dear lefty questioners, and moving from the couch. Come to think of it, ThermionicEmissions is hostile to most things. This is all care of the CEO of Sarcasm.  How could you go wrong? 

Things are getting interesting-er in the UK.

One of the frontrunners, Boris Yeltsin Johnson, of the Very Silly Hair Party, keeps refusing to show up. He didn't show up for Trump and now he won't show up for debates. There was also some sort of fracas with his girlfriend, and the police were called. The press said his personal business is his, then gave his girlfriend's name, the police officers who came to her home, and what she was wearing.  America, let's get those Boris Balloons ready!

In other news, US news said Trump's personal life is his business, then the entire crew laughed so hard, they had to go to commercial. When they returned, they still had tears rolling down their faces and tried, unsuccessfully, to not laugh during other stories. 

• 68% of the people are worried about climate change. They vow to do something about it, some day, but only if it doesn't include the parts that affect flying, manufacturing, cars, and trucks. Other than that, they're quite motivated.
• Science is being done on this problem by looking into other things that are cleaner than coal, like burning politicians instead. This will fail miserably, as there's no substance there. They don't burn long. Or so I hear.

After walking around a mall with Mrs lefty, my legs started to hurt all over. It's obvious to me that I need to spend more time on the couch.

• Bernie Sanders says "It's not appropriate" to deport illegal aliens that don't follow the law in the US.
• Change is inevitable, but imagine your grandfather's reaction to a socialist running for president, who doesn't think it's appropriate to deport lawbreakers.

I pick on Dog the Bounty Hunter mercilessly, for obvious reasons.

His wife, Beth, has been admitted to the hospital and is in a medically induced coma. She has had multiple cancers but there is no information on the current admission.

ThermionicEmissions wishes her best of health and peace to her family.

• Wanna learn more about browsing and privacy? Wired has a very good, human language description of desktop and mobile browsers and their privacy features.
• Walmart and Amazon want to look inside your house and keep video notes.

A Las Vegas professor shot himself in the arm to protest Trump.

This would be the second person to shoot themself over Trump. There probably won't be any calls for gun control over this, as these are the people who are calling for it.

Meanwhile, the White House is bridging the divide by giving out free guns to its enemies.

• Thailand's Wild Boars soccer team marks its first anniversary of going missing in a cave and their subsequent rescue.
• Some removed the roof of their house, some won't leave the house, and most won't bathe. On the bright side, you never have to wait in line to go cave exploring.

The Mars Rover has discovered high levels of methane.

We now know that the Martians fart a lot - global warming is coming to Mars! 

• After the tv series Chernobyl, people are flocking there for tours and taking selfies.
• P.T. Barnum is in hysterics from his grave. You will never go hungry, overestimating the stupidity of people. Because you can't.
• Buoyed by opportunity, tours are planned for Fukushima, Three Mile Island, and the underwater caves in Thailand. There is light at the end of the tunnel: these people will die sooner.
• Just announced: (highly) discounted tours to the Dominican Republic, where you can take selfies with in-room microbars.

So, how about that climate change?

One immediate reaction is moving toward zero emission vehicles. In English, this means electric cars. Most sane carbon-based lifeforms agree that zero-emissions is a good idea. I'm not a scientist (or ballerina) but what about the electricity to run and charge these cars? I suspect it's not zero-emissions. What about the batteries - how long will they last? What do we do with them when they fail? How much will it cost to replace them? These are some valid questions we haven't seen addressed in the mad rush to sell and purchase electric cars.  

I drove a hybrid for a few days and liked it. I'd buy one, but I don't trust batteries, per the above questions. The adjusted miles per gallon figures aren't that impressive, though. Battery technology continues to improve but I have a feeling we're too early in the process and will get bitten at the back end (in the back end).

SJW News

Article:

"How can our future Mars colonies be free of sexism and racism?"

CNN:

A black, transgender and disabled model just landed her first major magazine cover.  

Saw this on Twitter:

1919: “Work is tough: I had to be recruited to work a job in the munitions factory handling TNT and other poisonous substances without appropriate protective clothing, because the job was vacated by so many men who had to leave to fight in a world war”

2019: Vice Magazine: Work Sucks, Especially When People Get Your Pronouns Wrong.

Pronouns for multiple personality disorder:

You (plural but NOT singular), they, them, all youse

You're Not as Good at That as You Think You Are

A woman called 911 because someone 'stole her heart.'
I'm not 100% positive, but there might've been drugs involved.

• Today's Florida News: Zookeeper injured by rhino.
• Wanda Smith (84) missed a turn, headed for dinner at 3pm, and wound up in the rhino exhibit.

Dear lefty:

• Why do you watch those aircraft crash shows?
• So I can identify my body after a crash.

Wife gave her sister's dog a toy. Every time Wife visits, the dog brings the toy over to her.

Either the dog shows uncommon intelligence or he really wants her to return it.

• To my British cousins: you have til April 1 to get your Porn Licence, if you want to surf pr0n on the web. If this doesn't cause a riot, you people are doomed.

Family get togethers were sometimes fun while growing up. Mostly to be avoided.

Now that we're older, it's a different kind of hideous: it has become political. 

I couldn't help noticing the democratic wing was at the left side of the table and the old fart republicans were on the right. I noticed that there were great similarities among the democrats. As the lone libertarian, I sat a little off center. Strangely enough, I found I had more in common with the republican wing than the democrats. To rephrase, I found I didn't hate the republican ideas as much as I hated the democratic ideas. These same democratic ideals made it to a later get together, when little children were wearing Ruth Ginsburg t-shirts. C'mon, leave the kids out of it, please. They'll make their own mistakes as they get older. Like religion, your endless harping will drive them in the opposite direction.  You know, because I have extensive child-rearing experience.

Stolen from Twitter:

• I was standing in the line at McDonald's yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said 'you are the best sister ever' and walked away and the girl in McDonald's looked at me in disgust and I've never wanted to die so much in my life

I stumbled into some interesting music videos online. A lot of them were from Eric Clapton's guitar concerts. I just saw Springsteen bring John Fogerty to the stage. This is actually the first time I've seen Springsteen; forgive me - I only watched it for Fogerty. The man's a classic. Sheryl Crow was out and about, which is great for me. Albert Lee, Vince Gill, Keb Mo, and others were twanging away. Vince Gill is humongous. His guitars looked more like belts that guitars. Highly recommended. vaughnlive.tv has a ton of channels.




Dear lefty:

• What's the only thing worse than a Springsteen concert?
• Two Springsteen concerts
• I can't even get a rise out of the people who get here from Google searches on Springsteen.

Allow me to summarize the R. Kelly fracas:

R. Kelly grew up in a family so poor, his mother couldn't afford a first name. This haunted him all his life, so he screwed underage girls. It's clear cause and effect, Your Honor.

• Definition of creepy: you call your phone provider to make a payment
• It says, "Hello, [first name]."

Because of the abject failure of Vanilla Coke, Coke has introduced Orange Vanilla Coke. Coke obviously gets the good drugs.

• Don't forget to keep up with your Stupid Buzzwords: This week it's Rom Com (romantic comedy).

Happy as a clam?

How does one measure happiness in a bivalve?

Is there a Clam Happiness Scale?

• Know what's great about this time of year?
• Very little, except for Reese's products with white fudge instead of chocolate. They have my endorsement.

Dog, The Peroxide Hunter:
Yes, I've mentioned this before. A lot.
It flummoxes me every time, just tuning past it.
It's still on the air, meaning people are still watching it.
How is this so?

• I've also mentioned the phenomena when I'm running the fan, I can hear the tv in the next room. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the tv isn't on. It could save all sorts of cable fees if I could change the channel that isn't on, but that's not likely.
• Today I heard the tv again, but this time the fan wasn't running. Excited to see how the inadvertent experiment was coming along, I discovered I was outsmarted: the tv was on anyway.
• This does not help my mood.

I'm So Happy to See You, I Could Leave

Know what I hate?
Most everything.

But there's some really low rings at the place with the fire and the guy dressed in red, that belong to Microsoft.

Recently I lost my Windows virtual machine... the only copy of Windows I run, and only for emergencies. As I'm rebuilding from backups, Microsoft decided to send me 7 updates. Updates which I expressly said DO NOT DOWNLOAD. Bill Gates will roast. Win 10 does this too, whether you want it to or not. Linux respects your choice. I have no idea about Apple.

• The mayor of Port Richey, Florida, is in jail for shooting at SWAT, which was there to serve a warrant for unlicensed medicine.
• What do they put in the air in Florida?

Dear lefty:

• Marvin Mangler, of Minnetonka, Mongolia, asks if I really like my readers.
• Dear Maude: I wouldn't French kiss them, but I'll respect them in the morning.

It was 4 degrees the other weekend. It was 50 yesterday. Later this week, the Polar Vortex arrives, and we'll see highs of 5. That's -47 with the Freeze Index.  What record-setting sadist came up with this? Four degrees... your facial hair freezes (even women).  But that's not horrible enough... no, we need a Freeze Index or a Heat Index or a Pineapple index (for when it would be less painful to stick a pineapple....). People near me can tell I'm awake when they hear me say, "I hate it here."

There's no such thing as Polar Vortex.... they make up all sorts of meteorological mess terms with no meanings, other than "It's Gonna Be COOOOOLD out there today." Or Canada. Sneaky Canada. Really Nice People Canada. They smile at us because we don't know they're sending cold air. Once this gets to the public, it'll be War on Canada.

• Every now and then I set the tv to Discovery Science in Hindi, just to see if I'm awake. I had to stop because the dog would wake me at 3am to tell me to take her to the Happy Place. She's not used to Hindi. Nor am I.

I think I know how Dog the Bounty Hunter did its casting.... by carefully deploying the Mr Potato Head Method: randomly putting odd parts together, no matter how odd, to make a cast member. Let's put a shaved head here, maybe some watermelons under a shirt, bleached hair, and one short person with shiny objects and glitter.

• In a recent study, hard drives suck less than they did a couple years ago. That's nice.  139 of 10,000 high performance drives. No mention of solid state drives.

Speaking of casting, there's a new reality show called Dr Toe, or something equally stupid. This guy makes feet look good. Just when you thought you couldn't be stunned...  the show will end shortly, when Dr Toe is caught giving toe jobs to a favorite client or two.

Next up: crew of reality shows in their own reality shows. Family of crew of reality shows. Shoes of reality show crews. Salesmen of shoes of reality crews. Guilt-inducing mothers of reality show stars. And finally, a reality show where killing your opponents is the idea. Then naturally the 12 copycat kill your opponents shows. 

• Yesterday the president abolished the use of nerve gas. In an unprecedented show of unity, 50% of the country demanded nerve gas, saying Trump lied about its effects.

Data Safety and Privacy

Many of us will get hacked, whether it's email, phishing, data leaks, or hacking into your pc. 

I hate to ask you this, and you'll hate hearing it, but what could someone getting into your pc find?

Ack... that's scary. Whether you have no or easy passwords or someone hacks in, even more of your information has been accessed (let's not discuss Faceyspaces, Google, etc).  What do you keep in your computer? That's absolutely frightening..,..

Well, if you have any financial information on there at all, it will be exposed. If the information is stolen, it'll be for sale, perhaps on the Dark Web [ominous music]. If you get hacked, CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS IMMEDIATELY. Assume everything has been stolen. Reformat and reset your pc back to factory condition. There is no telling if your system has some remote access left in it.

Highly recommended: a password locker. All your passwords and information can go there, so if you get hacked, it's encrypted and locked. Spend some time thinking about what kind of information is on your computer and what would happen if someone got access to it.

TIPS

Reminder to keep yer damn system updated/patched.

Keep your antivirus current and set it to run automatically, daily, when you're not using it.

Be incredibly safe while surfing: don't use javascript and cookies: keep them turned off by default. Yes, some sites won't work. If you know the site and know for a fact it isn't hijacked, use javascript. By the way - how do you know it's not hijacked? Even huge corporate sites have been victims. Keep your browsers up to date, set them to auto-update the extensions. DO NOT USE odd browsers or extensions that look shaky. Look for bad grammar in descriptions, obviously fake/numerous reviews, small user numbers. Stick with the very popular extensions, if you use them. Use a number of browsers, one set open, the rest highly protected. Use incognito mode. KNOW that incognito or private mode does not make you invisible; it just cleans all traces when you're done. This helps with privacy by getting rid of cookies and any other junk left over from surfing... this way it does so automatically and you don't have to by yourself. Or install a cleaner that you use before closing the browser. If you have no tracking cookies, it's harder to track you (but not too hard). 

There are browsers that come with anti-tracking features... Brave for one. Brave, Bromite, Privacy Browser and Duckduckgo Browser on android. There are safety extensions too - I like Firefox and its extensions. It's my most locked-down browser.

To make you feel better (or worse), hackers can get in using known weaknesses in systems... it's not always the fault of the computer operator (but frequently is).  We do not learn from our mistakes, which is why I post this stuff. Be safe out there.

Dear lefty:

• When will you write about current music?
• When anything approaching music is produced.

I somewhat less than fondly remember when our car used to get hit many times per year.
Hey, that actually stopped years back!
Of course the tree proved it too couldn't fly, the dog proved she wasn't any of the things described (she stays, though), the dirty dishes have turned into zombies and return the day after I wash them, I only read some words in sentences (leaving out unimportant words like not and stop), the poltergeists now do impersonations of the neighbor I can't stand, and the aliens keep trying to sell me encyclopedias.

• Why do schools and businesses have a diversity officer?

Speaking of helpful technology and smart users, dozens have died because they don't turn off their cars with keyless ignitions. The car runs, producing carbon monoxide, killing people. If you don't find this a good thing, you should probably remember to turn the car off.

On the other hand, I've done some pretty stupid stuff by mistake, but leaving the car running ain't one of them. You can kinda hear it when you get out of the car. Especially in an enclosed space, like the garage. An electric car makes little to no noise, but won't poison you. It will kill you to replace the batteries, though, but only financially.

• The BBC reports that a spider has bitten an Australian man on the penis. Again.
• This fella must have some interesting hobbies. G'day, mate.

I flunked out of evil villain school: I never wrote a manifesto.

I can't tell you how many times this happened to me...

Not Worth the Plutonium it Would Take to Blow Them Up

Every now and then, we see something so compellingly honest, we go back to basics and remember what it's all about.  Let's take the Lindor commercial (please). Lindor truffles are what we call Chocolate Bombs. They come in bright wrappers, in dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate. If you're not having a lot of sex, like most of us, this is the next best thing.  Anyway, it starts with some sexy music and a pair of feet. They're kind of rubbing against each other, sensually. The camera eventually makes it to unwrapping, then a stunningly sexy woman puts the confection to her plump, red lips, and takes a small bite. This makes her eyes roll backwards into her sockets, like a one armed bandit. I love the hell out of this when it happens. After it's over, even I want a cigarette, and I don't smoke. THIS is a commercial.

• I still fail to grok Dog the Bounty Hunter. It's been on forever, which I also fail to understand. If any of you can explain the attraction to me, I urge you not to.

It's Recommend Software Time!

There's a pretty cool MP3/audio player called Dead Beef. It plays most formats and works on android and linux. It may be coaxed to work on OS X, but there will be no Windows version. Bummer (hysterical laughter - use Winamp). With a name like Dead Beef, you know it has to be some good software. It supports plugins and plays APE files, which is a format used by [this joke has been pre-empted by the University of Pennsylvania, which has filed suit because they don't want anyone else to enjoy the humor].

I have this bizarre problem (which one?): while random playing my music collection, I keep hearing the same songs. When I changed players, I kept hearing the same songs. Dead Beef at least uses a different randomizer. 

* don't forget: Beef Flaps is the name of the subreddit about women with large labia.

Winamp is a wonderful player that runs on most OSes, except linux (naturally).

VLC runs on anything and plays anything, audio and video. I highly recommend it for every OS except android, because it won't simply play one folder. It has to locate every media file on the entire phone. If this is good by you, go for it. It's my primary player on linux, although Dead Beef is moving up quickly.

It's Recommended Artist Time!

Carl Verheyen is a premier session guitarist, known for the spelling and pronunciation of his name. He's a phenomenal talent, with a tone and skills all his own. I think he's with Supertramp somehow, but he tours with his own band. The man can play almost anything.

Nazareth is a huge act from Scotland, known for the single Love Hurts. Another is Hair of the Dog (both 1975). Search YouTube. The vocals are a country of their own - delightfully scratchy. Due to concerns I am not permitted to divulge, he left the band recently, as well as the band being a merry go round of other members. I think the guitar roadie is the only original member. Don't tell anyone I told you.

Oh yeah, the absolute mostest funkiest riffiest keyboardist, Joe Cocker's very own Chris Stainton. Go ahead - argue with that riff.

Dear lefty

• Rear Admiral Brucie, from Down Under, asks where we get ideas for the blog
• Dear Poof: don't you have voices too?

Let me say something nice about Microsoft. 

just kidding.

No, really, here's some dirt on Win10's new Notepad features. None of us will use them, but it's good to know they're there.

• a mishap at a factory in Germany caused a ton of chocolate to escape and solidify. Honey, we're moving to Germany! Sprechen ze Chocolate?

Crime Tip:

When you're going to do something Extremely Naughty, use Private browsing mode, so there are no records you searched for beheadings before you did whatever you did.

That is all.

• In my 2009 post on WWII, I divulged that I wasn't blogging in 2009.

Senate Intel staffer James Wolfe, who was busted leaking info to reporter Ali Watkins in return for sex .... blah blah...

HANG ON... you can exchange info for sex? 

Why am I always the last to know?

• Mess Up Marketing: the theater wants to let me know Mary Poppins is back. Drop what you're doing... alert the press... masturbate furiously!
• I can barely contain my joy - Air Supply too!

Dear lefty

• Steve Blah, from Brighton Rock, wants to know how to play the guitar
• Carefully.

• Secretary of State Mike Pompeo confirmed that the government believes China is behind the Marriott Hack.
• Well.. we haven't 'exported freedom' to any country lately, so War On China! Just think of the corporate contracts! New planes, guns, fuel... this is like Viagra for Dick Cheney!

Speaking of China, no other country will take them seriously if they don't learn to spell. Sales are plummeting at Huawei. This is because it's pronounced Wah-way. They're worse than the French, who tend to drop a letter here and there.

G-Bus, watch and listen to this: stunning, in honor of the new Queen movie.

Generation Axe.

• Burton Cummings, of the Guess Who (These Eyes, No Time, Undun) tells a story about playing the flute on Undun. The guy at the music store said it was the same fingering as the sax. WHO CARES? IT'S A FLUTE.

In today's breach news, 40,000 stolen government logins are for sale on the Dark Web. They're from all countries, including... wait for it... the US. 

Hundreds of accounts on the websites of the US Senate, the Internal Revenue Service, the Department of Homeland Security and NASA were among those affected....

Remember: these are the people protecting US.
They're only protecting us from our tax dollars. 

• Work will soon have a gathering to talk about downgrading our computers to Windows 10.  I asked my boss how much it would be worth to him for me to stay home that day. Alas, no; he told me to tell him how it goes. Rest assured he will hear about my participation.... right after my probation period.

A comic turned down a gig at a British university because he was requested to sign a behavioral agreement first. This is what University Hijinks hath wrought.

The full list of topics listed by the organisers were "racism, sexism, classism, ageism, ableism, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, xenophobia, Islamophobia or anti-religion or anti-atheism".

The contract said: "It does not mean that these topics cannot be discussed. But it must be done in a respectful and non-abusive way."

Think about that for a second... these are our institutes of higher learning. At this point, they're institutes of ideas that don't exist outside their protective walls.

The bigger surprise is that the college group apologized(!)

Unicef on Campus told Newsbeat: "Given that Unicef is a children's charity, we wanted to make sure it was an appropriate event for the cause. We would never wish to impose that guests would have to agree to anything they do not believe in.

No, they'd never impose censorship. Except with any guest that comes to the university, signing the behavioral agreement.

• What's Penny the Dog up to lately? When shredding books, she prefers hardcover. When shredding magazines, she prefers glossy (my Vintage Guitar magazines, to be precise). 
• If we take her outside every two hours, she only pees on the carpet a few times per week.
• The antibiotics are supposed to clear up both types of worms.
• The dog who lived with three other dogs snaps and growls at every other dog she sees while walking.
• She's terrified of linoleum. The Doggie Shrink says she was probably molested by it when she was a puppy.
• She's really affectionate and cuddly and only barks constantly several times a day. We're quite fond of her.

It's the Thing. The THINGY Thing. Over by the Thing!

I hear that a lot at home. Also heard elsewhere.
The bizarre part is that two women know what the other is referring to.

• We've decided to eat healthy. Just the other morning, I noticed a bowl of cut up vegetables. It was right on top of the chocolate cheesecake.

United, America's most bizarre, assaultive, and death-bringing airline, has done it again. After killing a dog by insisting it go in the overhead bin, today's rage-inducer is flying a dog from Kansas to Japan. While United has no comment thus far, we understand they will charge the owner for the return flight from Japan.

SIRI ALERT

I have not verified this but you'll want to read the article, just in case.
How Siri leaks your private iPhone messages, and how to stop her

Slippery Slope Strikes Similarly

YouTube 'conspiracy' videos will get links to Wikipedia and other sources to 'fact check.'  At first, only videos with 'significant debate' will get the text box links. A YouTube spokesman says they're always exploring new ways to battle misinformation. In other words, do not question the established narrative. Google, YouTube's parent, admits to pushing down the 'craziest' content. This has failed, because people like to watch it (if it bleeds, it leads). This is happening with Google search results, as well as YouTube. As one would expect, I have questions:

• Who decides what's crazy?
• Lawmakers and media advocacy groups are pushing this. If I understand things correctly, this directly contravenes the First Amendment.
• Wikipedia's information is crowdsourced - meaning it comes from people. Just like conspiracy theories and fake news and misinformation.
• You will notice that no outlet questions the fake news and legislation proposed by Congress or Mainstream Media. The CIA planted people at the major news organizations - this is fact.
• Conspiracy theories quite often turn out to be true. The term was invented by the CIA to make people look crazy and decrease their credibility. Even if we choose to believe that the government just started looking into UFOs, they were a conspiracy theory.

Faceyspaces and Google have actively pushed down potentially fake content. This failed.

Let's call this what it is: an active effort to start the censorship and suppression of content somebody doesn't like. Irony: people will call this a conspiracy theory but it's right here in the links. The content being affected leans mostly to the right. We've already seen this with Reddit, YouTube, and Twitter.

Again, I'm not right, alt-right, or left; I'm free speech. It starts with the right. Then who is left to protest when they come for the left? Some useful idiots on the left will actually push for this. Some useful idiots on the right too, although it's mostly their content at risk.

And it's happening right here, under our noses, dressed up as combating misinformation and fake news.

Do you disagree? Let me know and I'll give you space.

• Tired of the infuriating popups while browsing? If you have the new Firefox 59, go to Tools > Options > Permissions and check "Block new requests asking to allow notifications” (Windows) or Edit > Preferences > Privacy & Security (linux). It will be similar on Macs. Probably in android too.

Hey, how about that humongous Equifax breach that disappeared from the news, as if it had an anchor tied to it... a former executive has been charged with stock dumping before the breach was disclosed.

• Speaking of Mac malware, it has risen 270 percent. If you're really comfortable with your Mac's security, you might want to think again. I'm not taking a swipe at Macs, like I usually do. I'm warning you not to be complacent in thinking you're immune. Bad People wait til your operating system or software is popular enough to make it worth their while.

Actual Work Conversation. Names changed to protect the guilty...


ME: Why did they schedule Meeting B the same time as Meeting A?
HIM: Yeah, I see 2. Which one are you talking about.
ME: the two that are at the same time: Meeting A and Meeting B. We have Meeting A every week at the same time.
HIM: At 1:00?
ME: yes
HIM: I had Meeting C earlier. Then Meeting D at 3:00. You're not on the invite for Meeting D.
ME: [suppressing rage and violent urges] We have Meeting A every week at 1:00. Today I got an invite for Meeting B.
HIM: Well.... I got the usual one for Meeting A and one for Meeting Q, but that's it.
ME: [I have to put me out of my misery] Ok.
HIM: I do have one at 3:30 for Meeting H.
ME: GOOD GOD, DUDE - DON'T YOU HAVE ANY PROZAC OR HEAVY MUSCLE RELAXERS AT YOUR DESK?

• Darwin Winner Pedro Ruiz III planned a YouTube stunt, wherein his girlfriend, Monalisa Perez, would shoot a .50 cal bullet through an encyclopedia he was holding in front of his chest to see if it would pass through.
• Perhaps Pedro didn't fully consider the implications. As it turned out, the bullet did, in fact, pierce the encyclopedia. Then his heart. Pedro is no more. Perhaps Pedro was suicidal but scared to perform the act himself. Perhaps Pedro did the science and discovered that a .50 would go through an encyclopedia like a fat person through a box of chocolates. Perhaps he was much more intelligent than he appeared. Alas, we will never know.
• Monalisa, the mother of his two children, will serve a modified jail term. She had better come up with an interesting story to tell the kids.

Let's face it... most productions for St Patty's Day involve alcohol and pretending you're Irish. If it were St Hendrix's Day, everybody would pretend to be black. I just saw the best promotion for SPD ever: 20% off green guitars at Eastwood. Finally, a holiday promotion relevant to me.

• Why? 
• Why, Dog the Bounty Hunter?
• Is the same hair stripper right for both of them? His hair is yellow, while hers is more stripped blond.
• Will they change the name to Dog the Fatty Hunter?
• He's about four feet tall. How does he climb over her ample chest?
• Their minions... what kind of self-esteem issues does one need to follow him blindly, unarmed?

Congratulations are not necessary, but China shipped my new laptop keyboard early and I installed it in short order. This is a process that would've caused Major Panic<tm> two years ago. Have you ever operated on a laptop? Even putting memory in the things is a process. Desktops are pretty easy: open the case (if you ever put it back last time - putting cases back on is the major cause of computer issues) and do what you need. The cases are (were?) pretty roomy and you had many slots to install Things. The worst that could happen was ripping your hand open trying to get around some sharp metal structure.

Laptops are a certain kind of Black Magic, requiring a certain temperament. A temperament with which I was not born. Fortunately I am ridiculously brave (stupid). Although any computer repair involves copious amounts of cursing and airborne objects, laptops are their own special hell. Because they're so friggin tiny, everything must be sandwiched into an alloted space and every manufacturer does it differently. Sometimes 15 screws are involved in adding memory. If you've never had to replace the display, God is on your side.

Fortunately for me, this particular keyboard required about 4 screws and sliding this and removing that. The results are spectacular. I can now see every letter on every key. Unfortunately the cursor still wanders a bit on its own, like my wife in a shoe store.  And unfortunately, there were a few parts left over, but in my defense, there was no place to put them. Now most of the errors are operator-induced, or PEBKAC - problem exists between keyboard and chair.

• You may or may not be happy to hear that a judge has taken the death penalty off the table for Mitt Romney and former Gov Christie Todd Whitman. A suit was brought by a New Jersey woman, claiming Romney, Whitman, and four others conspired to blow up downtown Newark (this is another one of the 'you may or may not feel this is a good thing').
• The suit also mentions a county executive and Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan, with the death penalty specified for all but Farrakhan. No word on what Islamic punishment was mentioned to the plaintiff to cancel the death request. Perhaps they gave her a free bow tie.
• The judge referred to the suit as "frivolous and malicious." Frivolous and malicious? Isn't blowing up downtown Newark malicious, Your Honor? They have committed the perfect crime. Now they can blow it up without fear of legal ramifications. Double jeopardy: you can't try someone twice for the same crime. I am not a lawyer, but I watched a lot of Night Court.

In case you're still playing along at home, the national debt has hit $21 trillion. With a 'T'. Our presidents and congresses keep blindly adding to it. like they did very recently. As an incredibly large group of See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Watch Tv, we don't really want to be bothered with it. The congresscritters know that they'll be retired or dead so they won't have to deal with the consequences of their actions. And the debt rises. It's great that Trump is giving us a break on income taxes, but the debt still grows. In a bid to appeal to our lack of thought, they're referring to the tax cut as 'costing billions'. Well, no, it doesn't cost anything. It's just less money appropriated from the fruits of our labor.

Sometimes republicans sound vaguely libertarian. They claim to be for small government and less spending. Look around you... is government getting smaller? Are we spending less? Are we revving up for more war? (no, no, yes). What would be wrong with pulling our troops out of most, if not all countries? Cutting the size and cost of government (starting with Dept of Homeland Security). Seriously reducing the debt. Not subsidizing Big Pharma. No more billions in foreign aid.

Don't get me started on the Federal Reserve (oops, too late. I've already gotten myself started). The Federal Reserve is not Federal, nor a Reserve. It is a bunch of private banks that lend money to the US with interest. Somebody's making an unbelievable amount of money on interest and it's not the country. Again, don't take my word for it- do the research. None of this is a secret.

• I have an idea (uh-oh).  For some reason, I wanted to run it by you before letting it loose. I had the moral obligation to go to a birthday party for a child the other night. I know that nothing I do, including chewing my own limbs off (trust me, I tried), will get me out of this duty. It's not so much the children themselves or their appearance... it's their NOISE. If they could come over and not be heard, I'd be better with it (better, but still won't want to go). 
• So as the kids arrive, we explain to them that there's a noise limit. As we're explaining that there will be NO SHOUTING, we're affixing a collar to them. As soon as they go over the limit, the shock collar will let them know. Then they can go back to being the quiet little angels you knew they had inside them.  They say it's safe for dogs with the electric fence system - why not kids? Then the adults will always show up and stay to help clean, amazed that the children are so well-behaved. And quiet.
• Will this one take the market by storm, or shall I budget for legal expenses first?

Let Us Not Keep Up With the Joneses

Bob got married... it happens to the best of us.
He and his bride moved into a really nice place, north of San Francisco.
Being the gregarious sort, he met the Joneses, an older married couple who lived across the street. They became fast friends, despite their difference in age.

Marriage took its natural course and Bob got divorced. As with all divorces, he had to forsake his nice place and find somewhere else to live. I visited Bob, and they'd have to pry me loose from that house. It wasn't particularly large, it wasn't a particularly wonderful or bad neighborhood, but it was a great place.
Being California (or the southwest), people had garages and used them for parking cars, due to damage from direct sunlight. I don't have that worry.

Bob moved closer to work, but kept in touch with the Joneses on a frequent basis.  One cloudy day, Mrs. Jones left, on what one would call a permanent basis. Bob worried for his friend, and how he'd get along. He needn't have worried - Mr. Jones picked right up and continued living, for himself, as there was no family to insist upon it.  Bob drove to see Mr. Jones frequently, roughly an hour in each direction. In California, an hour means you're trying to drive to the next exit on the freeway.

Mr Jones became well known to Bob's family. Even Bob's mother would call out there to chat. They all knew each other. Somehow. Jones did what most people his age do; he kept getting older. He passed ninety, full of health and even some energy.

In casual conversation with Bob, he mentioned coming into into some money recently.  That's nice, if you can do it. Good on him. Because I don't talk to Bob as often as I should, I hadn't heard about his windfall.

"Didn't I tell you?" Bob asked. "It's my inheritance from Jones' will."

Kill the Turkey

Turkey reheated.
Turkey sandwiches.
Turkey soup.
Stuffing sandwiches.
Throw out the bloody cranberry lump that Aunt Joan made to look like it just came out of a can, complete with lines....

• So the Remaining Royal got engaged. Fortunately there's absolutely nothing else going on in the known universe, so television, news, the internet, and people on the street can be completely absorbed in this great bloody nonsense. 
• As a Murkin, I'll obviously never understand the Royals and Britain's Royal Fascination. Not to mention the finances and ancient nefarious connections.
• Out here in the Real World<tm>, it turns out that people get engaged, marry, get knocked up, and divorce all the time.  Not one of us rates a notice, news story, or full Social Media Blitz.
• Sometimes, before or after engagement, sperm hits its target and a pregnancy results. Again, not so much as two lines on Faceyspaces, with four likes. The morning 'news' program has spent two full days on this. When we got married, we sent out email announcements. Not a single response, because everyone thought we were kidding. Imagine - me, kidding!

WARNING: if you need to wear a shirt with GORGEOUS or sweatpants with BOOTYLICIOUS on them, you're not.

• But it's ok - for the rest of us, who are sick of Royal News, there is still time to catch the ponderous, endless stream of Dog the Bounty Hunter marathon on A&E.
• Mrs. Dog, sadly, has cancer. This is not a problem for the show, which smelled ratings!
• If possible, they are going to livestream her chemo. Yes, the guy whose dog just went through chemo is now making human chemo jokes.

Those of you who survived Turkey Day lived to see Black Friday. This is a manufactured event, in which people are supposed to buy Stuff that's supposed to be on sale. Some of these deep-researching geniuses have come up with the perfect item that must be purchased and wait in line to purchase it, sometimes in tents. Things get interesting when they somehow manage to get inside the store. Things get even more interesting when there are tv cameras there, which document the carnage for the area and the rest of the world, via YouTube, to see. People pushing, people shoving, people taking sharp and blunt objects to each other - and that's in the parking lot. This is a sociology experiment gone really wrong twenty years ago, hence its repetition every year.

So you've pretty much digested your turkey and the alarm went off at 3am, and here you are at [insert generic electronics store that is not at all Best Buy], with the doors just opening and General Unrest rearing his ugly head. The great mass of (in)humanity surges toward the door. Unfortunately, physics dictates that the width of the great mass of humanity go through the choke point of two doors, so humanity goes ahead and chokes. Each other, if necessary. People have died by falling and being Trampled Underfoot (2nd song reference - did you get the first?). After hopefully making it through the doors, you vault ahead, as if shot from a slingshot, to the... I dunno.. where did we want to go?

The Prepared Shopper, whose tent is insulated and has flowing booze, sprints right to their preferred, highly-researched item. Oh, so sorry... the large screen tv that takes up an entire wall and connects to your neural pathways, is not in stock. You discover that there was only one for sale anyway, and that went to Ralph, the manager's girlfriend's special son, the previous evening. Oh well, at least you got to stay in a freezing parking lot overnight.

The Real Hip Genuine 2000s Smart Consumer, who really has her shit together, has also been doing her research, but only for what's coming on Cyber Monday. This is a veritable online orgy of alleged deals from innumerable retail outlets, only these don't require a tent or getting up at 4am, hence it doesn't really count as Family Time. These poor slobs have also been deluded into the false belief that there are some actual deals to be had. While there are no apparent limits on large screen tvs for sale, you will run into them in terms of finding out they're no longer in stock, approximately two days before Christmas. 

This shit is mandatory, in case you didn't get the email.

The email, by the way, promised deals in every department, backed up by incredibly annoying tv commercials, featuring singing flipping boxes, belting out the worst vomitous soft classic rock tunes from your misspent youth. 

This email is markedly different from the email from a random Nigerian prince, promising you untold wealth, if you'd only send him your banking information. It turns out you can't even pirouette in Nigeria without hitting a prince.

If you happen to be a musician and mysteriously got on the emailing list for Guitar Center, you're in for a real treat. I counted eleven emails over the weekend, all with promotions for Black Friday and Cyber Monday, plus a 25% discount coupon, good on anything in the store, except for two paragraphs of exceptions at the bottom of the email. If you take the time to do the math, you can save 25% on your choice of (new only) guitar picks or those tiny little rubber things that go on the bottom of boxes so they don't slip. This is the package of six tiny little things, not the thirteen piece pack. I expect their manager to be personally knocking on my door tomorrow, asking why I haven't used my coupon yet. He already sent me three emails. When he comes by, I'll ask him about left-handed guitars. The coupon, of course, applies to new lefty guitars, but they happen to be out of them. And when I say out of them, I mean they don't stock them, or happen to be caught naked with two cheapies hanging on the wall, one of which is used, which is not covered by the coupon. For some reason, it would cause grievous bodily harm to order a few lefty guitars for southpaw customers. Perhaps even Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'd feel terrible if I inadvertently caused this with my selfish demands for a guitar I could actually play.

After you have completed this conspiracy by retail to further separate you from your money, there is a Brand New imaginary invented day: Giving Tuesday. This is the day you're allegedly supposed to give to charity.  The very clever joke here is that this day was also invented by the retail sector. It makes them look great and also disguises the fact that by the time you're done with Black Friday and Cyber Monday, you have absolutely nothing left to Giving Tuesday. It's brilliant in concept and execution. You don't even have room on your credit cards, which were so maxed out, you had to get a few more. If you're in the UK, you can get them in 39% or 59% interest, and payday loans up to the minimally impacting rate of 1239%. Yes, that's right - you read that right (third song reference), 1239 percent.  In fact, as soon as you get the money conveniently deposited in your checking account the next day, Uncle Luigi comes by to collect the vig. If you don't happen to have it the next day, Luigi says that's fine, the amount you owe has been 'adjusted upward' to 2977%. This is grand progress from the days when Luigi would break a few of your limbs. Payday Loans have realized they can hurt you far worse than physically by interest and credit reporting alone.

So if I, for some strange reason, happen to have a few shekels left to divest myself of, I conveniently have an entire inbox of Helpful Suggestions. Even the libertarian party has an appeal. To be absolutely honest, and I am scrupulously honest, as you read several times per week, there's an organization called Oldies But Goodies, which finds homes for older cockers. I'm pretty sure it's tax-deductible. A few hard-earned dollars went there, before our own issues with an even older cocker. Screw the humans - there's no hope for them. Give to dogs (and even cats) whose situation is caused by humans, and can be remedied with a few of your dollars.  Give money, in-person help, pet food, and blankets to your local SPCA. Overbreeding, lack of spay/neuter, and pure human stupidity have landed these poor guys there.

SHIT - I have actually promoted the thing I just got done skewering.

• My house is weird. You probably just shot your coffee out your nose, all over the screen, and said, "No!"
• It lags the outside temperature by strange amounts, so that when it's warm outside, it's freezing inside. I don't actually know this until I go outside, and I don't go outside because Bad Things Happen when I go outside.
• In fact, whenever I open the front door, the neighbors yell at me not to let all my cold air outside and make it cooler for the rest of them.
• Pretty soon I'll be the only house on the block with windows open after Thanksgiving.

Abandoned Army and NSA Intelligence Sharing System data was left exposed to the public on an unsecured server. These are the people 'protecting' us and 'keeping us safe'. Mostly just spying on us.

• The UK, long known for systems, spying, and intel, has decreed that porn sites must age-verify, so children under eighteen do not access videos of people performing relatively normal human activities. Just imagine the fun that will ensue once this data gets stolen due to a not-protected server somewhere. Plus, you raise wonderfully-adjusted children when you brand sex 'dirty'.

An important court case is being brought by the ACLU (for people who think they do nothing good, here's an example of why they do). The government, which, as mentioned early, 'protects' us by spying on us, maintains that you have no expectation of privacy when you voluntarily give out information. Information, in this context, is your cell phone's location data, only you haven't freely given it out. The case attempts to overturn a guilty ruling for a person convicted of a crime via location data, obtained without a warrant. The spy agencies maintain that they don't need a warrant to spy on you. You'll note that this is a popular, recurring thing. They will spy anyway, so this is just window dressing to make it look like they're not violating Fourth Amendment protections. Law is ill-prepared to deal with electronic communications and advancements. Use your imagination as to why the government would prefer not to rely on your constitutional rights and protections.

• Bulletproof Coffee has informed customers that although their coffee is bulletproof, their network isn't. 

Marshall's treatments approach the finish line. The last chemo appointment was last week, stopped one treatment early because he's doing so well. This week, his bloodwork came up just fine. Next week is a visual inspection to see if there are any lesions left. Meanwhile, the New and Improved Marshall is ramping up the annoying of his parents, whining pitifully for everything his little heart desires. This usually takes place when they are doing something important.

No matter how intelligent he is, and he's frightening, he still drinks from the toilet.

• Here's a great headline: "French president Macron says gender-based insults will become a crime, punishable by law."
• Countries are criminalizing speech. Spoiled as we are by our First Amendment, this is shocking. Freedom of speech includes speech that you do not agree with - potentially ugly speech, that you'd prefer not to hear. Political correctness (social justice warriors) demands censoring speech with which they do not agree). The fact that this is infecting entire countries is worrisome. It's like a bad nightmare from old science fiction come true.
• The point of this exercise is "educating the public and schoolchildren about sexism and violence against women."  What this means is that men are not allowed to say bad words about women, but it will be perfectly ok for women to say what they like to and about men. Isn't that wonderful?

Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios? No.

• While we're all happy happy joy joy, I'll leave you with this small rant: we recently had our car's windshield replaced. When this happens, the service will give you the piece of the original glass, containing your stickers. All went incredibly well. This was followed in rapid succession by a number of police stops, demanding to know where the stickers were. Fortunately, they were all fielded by Mrs. lefty, who was none too pleased at the opportunity. Once the relevant documents were produced, the police smiled and she went on her way, semi-unmolested.
• Today's visit with the local constabulary produced nastiness and attitude on the part of the policeman. When the documents were produced, he angrily went on about how this wasn't supposed to be like this. Well, what would you like done and what are the legal specifics on it, Officer?  The kind gentleman then gave her a legal warning. Thank you, Officer Dickhead. There's always one.
• I suggested keeping the piece of windshield on the dash to avoid aggravation. Wife said this was a good idea, except when stopping quickly, when the glass would turn into a projectile. Well, yeah... there is that.

I gave up trying to find stuff years ago and now just ask