Bustenhalters of the Stars

Your love is like  sexually transmitted diseases so new, they haven't named them yet

What's the new car's mpg? 18 of course.

The 8 cylinder Town Car's mpg was 18

The 6 cylinder Sonata's mpg was 18

Now the 4 cylinder Sonata's mpg is 18

-shoulda known

If I were of the OCD persuasion, I could spend years watching the mpg gauge (instead of the road). 

There's some sort of driving switch that does Economy, Sport, and Comfort. Economy kills the response, Sport just uses more gas, and Comfort turns the car into a Cadillac. Doesn't matter - I'll get 18mpg regardless.

• LG is considering exiting the phone market in 2021
• a spokesman said it wasn't fair to price good phones under the major manufacturers, so now the majors can jack their prices up even further, for the people who have way too much money and feel the need to upgrade phones every 23 days or so.
• bummer - my last coupla phones were LG and I liked them. Time to start saving up, people!

Today the Russians broke into my house and replaced all the eggs with caviar. They also sent creepy love notes to Mila Kunis. I'll expect the FBI again soon. 

Biden's pick for Treasury Department, Janet Yellen, wants to curtail the use of cryptocurrency. Why? 

"Cryptocurrencies are a particular concern," Yellen responded. "I think many are used—at least in a transactions sense—mainly for illicit financing."

Once again, Big Sister comes through. Anything the government can't tax or eavesdrop upon must be eliminated. It's for the children, you know. Terrorists! Money laundering! Untaxed nose hair waxing!

Today I identify as a broken hallicrafters S-95 Civic Patrol receiver.

Dear lefty 

• I was at a fancy dinner. There were 2 forks. Why?
• that's easy: you eat with the large fork. If anybody says anything, you stab them with the smaller fork. As with all of my advice, no one will complain to you ever again. 

Some firms are encouraging staff working from home to take lunch breaks together. I smell darkness and predict a rethink of this policy when:

• Dickey and Patty eat.... each other. They don't mind, but HR does.
• Bob plays Bark Ball with his retriever, Bob Jr.
• Sandy plucks her eyebrows, eliciting shrieks from the men online
• Donna changes her colostomy bag
• Steve eats lunch on the toilet
• Rick dj's rap tunes about 'suckin dat dick'
• Charlie shaves his back hair

Today the president broke the White House phone system, attempting to remember how to dial 9-1-1.  Antifa peacefully rioted, destroying a few businesses that would actually hire them. 

• Before you ask, yes, there is a Spark Plug Collectors of America club

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Backjumping

• The DeLorean might be coming back as an electric car
• I wouldn't order the Michael J. Fox model - the car shakes like hell

You may or may not know about the secret employee, hired by supermarkets, to follow me around, see what I buy, and tell the supermarket not to order it anymore. He's been augmented by some sort of psychic employee, who sets sale items before I get there. Cereal? Sorry - sale, none left. Coke? Sorry - sale, 2 cases diet left. Is this the same employee? I have no way of knowing. But if I find anybody following me around, I might accidentally slip and give him one across his lip.

Last night I discovered a few close calls with the Store Robot. I still have no idea what this thing does, but it definitely doesn't crash into customers, beeps a lot, and scares the crap out of little kids (and Mrs lefty). An employee assured me it's not an invasive robot, but (and I need to be kind about this), the store hires people with... problems. I think it's a great idea. I just hope this robot isn't the one that follows me around or decides on sale items. I'm lucky - another local chain has HD video taken from overhead, which is analyzed (by AI, of course), matched to a profile from the Turnpike, and all decisions to stop carrying a product are made that way. This saves the cost of a robot, unless the robot cleans the aisles. It also decided when products are on sale, because it knows when I'm coming in... from the Turnpike. Add a few IoT gadgets in my house, and the store will send a limo for me BEFORE I decide I'm going shopping. And thus, Skynet is born. My RING camera sees me using the bathroom, triggering an order of toilet paper. If I'm having a problem on the throne, the store will send either laxatives or fiber. If a woman has an ovulation tracker to try to get pregnant, Google will send her timely tampon coupons or pregnancy tests. Or condoms. All the Turnpike will send is fare requests with her picture on it. Pictures can also be obtained in any retail store, the store's parking lot, the store's bathroom, the store manager's office, the back room where the store hides all the good stuff, the police's Ring camera feed, your phone, your bathroom, your basement (even if you don't have one), your friends' places, your SO's phone and social media profiles, malls, all your friends' Faceyspaces feeds, Instagram, Twitter, Reddit, and some bitchin pics from your car - it gets you at every angle. 

At the end of the day, it's night.

And don't go shopping with me.

• ring bologna? kinda tastes like salami. note to self: brown stuff is wrapping and NOT edible
• there are 47 different kinds of turkey at the counter. In my experience, they're all horribly bland. There is also chicken breast, but it probably tastes like turkey
• there are 37 different kinds of ham, with only slight variations in taste. Tavern ham? Is it the kind of ham they serve in taverns? HTF am I supposed to know what it tastes like - there are no taverns within a 50 mile radius. There's a sriracha ham, but there's a sriracha everything - it's like salted caramel - it's everywhere.
• there are 138 varieties of cheese. This is a real problem for Mrs lefty, because I hate cheese. Unless she's really specific, she's likely to get American or Venezuelan Beaver Cheese. I purposely forget the name of the cheese she likes - it's called Sock Cheese, because it smells like dirty gym socks, marinated in dirty gym shorts, and fish that's been kept in the trunk of your car for 30 days in the summer. I hate it, the dog hates it, the aliens are going to hate it, and only 3 people on the planet (plus the Italians) like it. I have to make sure I'm upwind when we sit down, or the smell will prevent me from eating. Forever. I swear- if you cut it for someone, the smell is going to get all over your food and you'll turn into a roadside toilet. Voluntarily.
• otoh, perhaps the wife and the Italians have something here... let's say, for a moment, that certain people can turn their tastebuds off. If you could, the smell of the cheese is so bad, it will keep people away. These people are smarter than they look.
• it's not like the OCD gremlins have been out, but I put all the yogurt in a drawer in the fridge. this morning they were all laid out in a different drawer, in the same direction, by flavor.
• on the shopping list, "creamer" is not sufficient. whose creamer? what flavor? the blue one or the orange one? extra thick non-dairy sugar free? the one with beef gravy?
• PULP WARS: yes, orange juice with pulp. Would you like that with SOME PULP, NO PULP, THE MOST PULP, REGULAR PULP, or IF I FIND ANY PULP, I'LL STRANGLE YOU?
• if 1 person eats most of the salad, is a package with 7 heads of lettuce a little much? this works with ice cream but not lettuce. along these lines, is any amount of salisbury steak ok?
• i am not listing this stuff to make you smile at my misfortune - i'm keeping track of the stuff that drives me insane when i'm forced to go shopping. the more shopping insanity there is, the fewer times i'll be forced to go shopping. it's almost like i'm a smart italian or something.... Dear - do you need me to go shopping? Oh no, but thank you for offering. Dear - your left leg is broken. No problem, I've got it. You have a serious concussion from the car crash. Not an issue. You just awakened from a coma. I feel perfectly fine, don't worry. Why don't you let me help? Because I'd rather have a few more car crashes and go blind than listen to you whine about shopping. YES! I'm officially Italian!

SJW Spittle 

Hasn't anybody noticed the lack of diversity in podcasting? 70% of the most popular podcasts are hosted by men! Many are hosted by white men. Although almost nobody knows why this is a problem. One explanation for this worldwide disgrace is Pro Tools, a recording software that has become the industry standard (also for recording). The reason for the lack of diversity is the lack of black people who know Pro Tools (because they haven't been given the same opportunities), that is being used as a gatekeeper to keep black people out.

What a complete and utter truck-full of excrement.

1. Podcasting is about content. If you have interesting material, people will listen.
2. Pro Tools is recording studio level software. If most of what you hear on the radio is done with Pro Tools, why would it need to be required for podcasting?
3. You can record a podcast on any software that will record, including the most basic recorders that come with any operating system. You can also download free programs like Audacity, that can record anything from the most basic voice tracks (podcasts) to records. There is no color bar to using Audacity - just the ability to hit RECORD. If this ability escapes you, you'll need advocates for the Stupid in podcasting.
4. Imagine going through tons of podcasts to determine there is a 'diversity problem.'
5. Podcasting is about content. If you have interesting material, people will listen.
6. There are still no Guatemalan women in guitar or men in electronic assembly work.

Bob, who likes to learn about network security, downloads podcasts to play in his car. Bob finds a topic he wants to learn about and downloads it. He truly gives not a whit about the gender of the podcaster. This would cause even greater confusion with the podcasts featuring men and women.

If I want to hear about playing guitar or gear, rest assured I'll download a podcast about playing or gear. I'll go for the most relevant and talented podcaster I can find, regardless of gender. One of the most famous gear vlogs was done by Rebecca Dirks, for Premier Guitar magazine. She asked good questions. 

I'm so tired of hearing there is not enough diversity in X field. I would argue that podcasting gives minorities more of a chance, because they can use the same rudimentary tools, and if they make the podcasts interesting and on a topic people want to hear about, people will download. Build it and they will come.

Shall we now argue that there weren't enough white people in early blues? 

Naturally there are not enough left handed people in any field. I have to admit I'm not getting enough traction on this.

National Women's Underwear Day

Yes, that's right - you heard right - it's National Women's Underwear Day!
Everyone put on some women's underwear and wear it with pride.
C'mon guys - who can honestly say they don't wear women's underwear?

Oh.
Never mind.



If you have an Idevice XS or XR battery case, you could be due a free replacement from Apple.

I broke Giant's handheld scanner system by only buying 2 things.
Never mind the title... it's an app for your phone, that scans items for checkout. This is another privacy nightmare. It connects to store wifi, meaning you're at risk for whatever's going on there. It's on your phone, so it probably accesses things it shouldn't. If nothing else, your purchasing is delightfully passed to the store, not to mention whoever else, like the author of the program and various ad agencies. Look beyond the headline.

Ready to start trying out a different operating system? Tired of Win 10 sending all your information to Microsoft?  Here are the 5 best linux distributions for Win 7 users. They mention Ubuntu, which is my choice. However, I recommend Xubuntu, which is Ubuntu with a more customizeable desktop. With this, you can make your desktop look any way you want, including just like Windows, so you're already familiar with it. All linuxes are the same, with different visual components and updating.

• Mrs lefty is calling her doctor and getting a busy signal. Penny comes in from the back yard, steps on REDIAL, and the doctor's office answers.
• I need to have her around when I have to call someone.

Mrs lefty tunes around tv a lot. Last night she watched The Office.
I was sitting next to her, surfing, and caught parts of it.
To call it cringy is to give it more credit than it deserves. It's smarmy, stupid, unfunny, and so bad, I want to run from the room and hide in the attic during a thunderstorm. Nah - didn't like it.



In national social media news, Cardio B, who just said she's getting citizenship in a different country, is considering US politics. I'm trying to decide if she'd do any better than the installed buggers. Meanwhile, here's a random thought from Cardio:

Artificial Intelligence gains traction because Native Intelligence is scarce.

Dear lefty

• Am I better off going into network security or vertical markets?
• Ask the penguins - they're usually pretty good with advice.

Scientists use stem cells from frogs to build first living robots.
Ok, guys, hop to it!

"I have often wondered why the sounds of the beating drums do not make the marching soldiers shoot their officers and go home." - Albert J. Nock

• How to be anonymous in the age of surveillance
• Warning: contains the word 'Juggalo', but not in a bad way

My 70s progressive rock station played a little gem I haven't heard before. This isn't odd at all, except for this particular little ditty. It isn't often I have to check to make sure I'm not hearing 2 stations at the same time, playing the same song, 1/10 of a second apart. Using the power of multiplicative reasoning, I deduced that the vocals were ok - it was just the music that was completely f'd up. I listened, stunned.

The artist's name is Kevin Ayers. The song is called Lady Rachel.
The title sounds all medieval, about some mythical damsel, locked away in a castle, in a closet, of ancient England's budding first serial killer. It was romantic.

Continuing to be stunned, I listened through the last 30 minutes of the song (I kid - it was only 25 minutes). Counting my blessings that my radio app lists the artist and song, I went off to play Stump YouTube. That failed; there were several different listings for the song, of which I chose the live one.

To say the song is bad is to elevate it to heights it could never dream of attaining. I have to mention that the fellow playing the left handed SG is Ollie Halsall, a formidable player. Kevin is apparently a Big Man on the English music scene. Unfortunately he died in 2013, after which I believe they filmed this clip.

This isn't the exact version I heard, but it will serve to help you understand my distress and question your life choices. As a musician, I wouldn't want anyone to crap on my creation, but as a satirist (or whatever I am), this is a huge red blinking target. The bio states he was a Big Deal, but Wikipedia lets anyone put anything they like into it.

This looked like a band rehearsal. The kids were in 6th grade and their parents were so proud. Kevin had even written his own song(!) and they were practicing it for the Big Show in the school auditorium. Excitement filled the air, as most of them left the basement and ate the cookies that Mom just put out. When they got back to their instruments, they noodled around, as musicians do, each playing some little piece of something they played all the time, guaranteed to piss off the rest of the band. This went on for 20 minutes, after which Mom yelled down the steps, "You boys sound great! Was that the new song?"  I don't know whether they recorded it on Mom's brand new 8 track console stereo or they went into the studio later, but it has that rough quality that really makes them sound serious (I'm lying through my teeth).

So when you look at the video, it's not actually a performance - it's a bunch of kids noodling around. The only one involved in the song is little Kevin; the rest of them are off somewhere else. It's a good thing, too, as Jimmy, the drummer, is mentally playing with the band down the street. Watch them wander about, as Kevin emotes. Every now and then, Ollie makes a supporting noise or two, just to upset Kevin, who ordered him not to make supporting noises.  Kevin apparently just got a new guitar, and the salesman promised to tune it for him to make the sale. Salesmen being what they are, he never tuned it, so Kevin went onstage with an untuned guitar, only he didn't know it (the audience did). Kevin was Dead Serious about his new song. The keyboard player was a guy who asked if he could join the band. They said yes (keyboardists are impossible to find) and threw him right onstage. Unfortunately he had to sit there, waiting for a key or a cue, because he had never heard any of Kevin's songs. This worked out to the audience's benefit, as he played very little. He brought his nifty little echo box, that looked like a little tape player, but it was new and he had no idea how to work it.

The 'experimental' section was added as they went onstage, only Kevin forgot to tell the rest of the band about it. So they continued to wander around, lost, while Kevin took on the experimental section all by himself... plinking.. tapping.. playing with knobs, and plinking again. The band continued to do what it did best, largely standing around and playing random stuff til it was time to actually play a song. They decided on Jumping Jack Flash, but the joke was on them: they knew it in 2 different keys, which they played it in at once. The audience's collective jaws were on the floor, as if they had just witnessed a baby stabbing its kitty and wearing its entrails.

The band kept looking over, expectantly, at Kevin, waiting for him to break the sad news that the experimental section was finally done, like children of alcoholics, coming out from behind the sofa because Mommy and Daddy had stopped screaming and throwing things. Unfortunately the throwing and screaming continued because Kevin was In The Zone. The band was losing patience, so they wandered around the stage, lighting cigarettes and doing their math homework, except little Jimmy, the drummer. He was still playing with the imaginary band down the street. Kevin later told Jimmy his performance was above and beyond. Kevin and the band continued on, undaunted. This, unfortunately, daunted the audience (all the band members' families and their captive classmates).

After they finished the song, the band made sure to watch Kevin so they knew they were all finished with the song. Their families clapped, their classmates made a noise intended to mimic certain bodily functions.

This was played on a progressive 70s rock station. I still don't know why.
It also mirrors most of my band experience, only my bands didn't get to play on stage a lot. Let's say we were intimately familiar with various band members' basements.

RIP Kevin, 2013, died in his sleep.

• As the Oscars 2020 nominations are all lined up, the hard work begins: writing out your 10 minute social screed no one wants to hear.

Another idiot 'professional', telling us that Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personality disorder) 'doesn't exist'. I don't have enough time to refute this person's ideas one-by-one. Suffice it to say he's wrong across the board. I don't know where these alleged professionals get their concepts from (cereal box?), but anyone familiar with the topic can refute everything he says, line by line. Our suggestion is that he live with someone with the disorder that doesn't exist for a month or so. He's likely to change his mind. Professionals who spout this nonsense are frequently put up to it by large organizations that would prefer to have you think they're not doing what they're doing. You know - the people Jeffrey Epstein was about to expose....  Don't forget - Mrs lefty has DID.




Warning:   POLITICS

Sam Robb is a libertarian, running for president. Check out his site, specifically "Issues" - see if any of it speaks to you.
He is *a* libertarian, but not the only libertarian, and I am not endorsing anybody.



Today I identify as   rubber

• Music copyright lawsuits are scaring away new hits, argues Rolling Stone.
• Rolling Stone is right twice a decade, and I don't think this is one of them.
• The thing that is scaring away new hits is listening to the radio.

I don't normally post anything about movies, largely as I don't see a lot of movies. And when I seen them, it's usually years after they've come out. If you haven't seen it already, see Yesterday. Without giving anything away, a guy finds himself in a different reality, where the Beatles never existed. It's well written and well acted, featuring the music of Jimi Hendrix.  No, wait......     Also of interest was his staunch supporter/manager. I was kinda smitten the moment I saw her. Mrs lefty said she was kinda normal. This was a great improvement over what she normally says ("She looks like a porn star"). I don't like anything, so if I give a recommendation, it's probably pretty good. Either that, or you know to avoid it.



There are at least 2 cities whose names require changing: Terre Haute and Puget Sound. Terre Haute sounds like something someone borrowed from another language and they forgot to translate it. Puget Sound sounds like something your cat hacks up. It also has nothing to do with sound. It's those weird people in the Northeast, with more money than they can actually count (although they have people to count money for them).

Male Pattern Baldness - the Band

I always wanted to call my band Male Pattern Baldness. For some reason, everyone else in the band refused. It wasn't so much a refusal as the physical reaction guys get when you mention getting kicked in the nuts. I had other names too... those merely got ignored.

• Today was a sign. An omen. The sun was out. As surprising as that was, it was forecast to be out. Something's up. Watch the skies.

Technology Time

Think about the march of technology. The things written in science fiction that are ordinary today. A wireless cell phone that replaces tons of physical utilities. This has created a mountain of useless things that kids born within the last 20 years have never seen, like:


a telephone booth, 45rpm adapter, library, a heavy mechanical phone doubling as a weapon, records, 8 track and cassette tapes, CDs, movies in grubby theaters or from a tape at home for $99, movie rentals, over the air tv with channel numbers, dialup internet, modems, leaded gas, land yacht cars, tuneups with spark plugs and wires, radios operated by a knob attached to a string, round clocks with hands, bigass computers with DOS, Windows 95/98/XP, printer ribbons, parallel cables, floppy discs, 286/386/486 computer chips, round  DIN computer plugs for accessories, adding port and other cards to computers, clean air, the US military in only a few countries, wireless phones, phone lines, busy signals, phones without Caller ID, large speakerphones that clipped off parts of words, answering machines, avocado green/harvest gold, huge wooden console stereos and tvs, black and white tvs with 6" screens, clothesline, washboard, wringer clothes washer, percolator coffeemaker, Lincoln Logs, board games, typewriters, paper notebook, newspapers, heating leftovers on the stove, wired or clicky remote controls, bra stores not carrying lingerie, computers plugged in to routers, written letters with postage stamps, pencils, sex without taking video, 16 year old virgins, verbal only gossip, walking anywhere, sitting quietly, having friends over and talking, smoking on airplanes, only charging things at home, C and D batteries, Radio Shack, only one type of condoms (that you shamefully asked for), cold medicine on open shelves, expensive heroin, soda in gallons, large tires with small wheels, floor-switched high beams, revving the engine to keep the car from stalling, stalling after running over a puddle, bench car seats, station wagons, metal in cars, starting your car with keys, protests against war, square computer monitors, $15 commercial-free cable, ice cube trays, porn magazines, door to door salesmen (non-religious), telling someone off without using the f- word, turn signals, generous employer paid pensions, no copays for anything, bicycles (without helmets), humongous analog reel to reel recording machines, community bulletin boards with 3x5 cards and push pins, Pong, hooking up vcrs and game boxes to the tv, tv antennas, amateur radio/CB, paying cash only for a doctor visit, milk trucks, malls with all kinds of stores and no food court, head shops, malts, drive in movies, handwriting, record stores, guitar solos, music without dancers, full albums played on the radio, radio stations doing whatever they wanted, giggling at gays and transsexuals, humor, walking up steps to get in a plane, liquids/pocketknives/scissors/guns and showing up right before the plane takes off, made in America, jobs for life, college degrees worth more than toilet paper, farms, tollbooth you throw change at, telethons, tv free of feminine products/pharmaceuticals/bladder leakage underwear that's actually pretty, dick jokes that didn't say dick, courtesy, really really stupid phones and tvs, bag and Beam Me Up Scotty phones, pay by minute long distance and cell, fixing electrical things yourself, Tab diet soda, whole milk, paying with cash, police showing up after you call, 2 prong outlets and plastic adapters with a little wire hanging out, Elmer's glue and paste, crayons, never hearing the word 'cunnilingus', waiting for the tv to warm up, unfinished basements, standalone stereos, mono records, head cleaning kits, record brush and fluid, record crates, posters, concert tickets, crystal scanners that could hear phones, soldering irons, neighborhood stores, guitar stores, weather that makes sense, baking cake from scratch, stereos over 1 watt, excitement of hearing the first time anyone said 'ass' on tv, beholding Sipowicz's ass, those little angular car windows in front of the main window, manual windows and door locks, real spare tires, AM/FM radios only, sneaking into Dad's special drawer, 8 or 16mm projectors, waking early on Saturday to watch cartoons, phones without hash or asterisk keys, the joy of sex (the book), record sleeves and foldouts with information, the brown acid, cleaning your pot on record jackets, products designed to last for more than a few months,



It's National Scrapple Day.
Scrapple is a Philly 'delicacy' which is essentially a meatlike substance made from (drum roll, please) scraps. Ponder that for a minute.

I try not to hate stuff before I try it, but the smell of whatever it is cooking is enough to keep mosquitos off your arm in the summer. Wife loves it. This is convenient because she'll never have to worry about me eating hers. In fact, it can sit in the fridge for six years, untouched, with all sorts of new and interesting growths, some speaking languages we've never heard before. I'm kidding - it can sit there for years, undisturbed: you can't distinguish ''fresh' scrapple from six year old scrapple. Philly is better known for soft pretzels and cheesesteaks... you're much safer with either.

• The FBI issued an alert in September due to the increase of attacks via Remote Desktop Protocol.
• This should never happen in a professional environment because you don't leave the Remote Desktop Protocol port open. It's like leaving your back door unlocked: burglars have to look for it, but they can walk right in. It's ok inside your network but not toward the internet.
• Home users are dependent entirely on their cable modems and routers. If they're not set to block by default (they should be), it's up to the user to get in there and close (everything). Anybody recommending this port be used to get to your computer from the internet should be shot, then sent to rudimentary computer school. If you need to remotely operate another computer in your house, it's relatively safe, assuming it's blocked at the router.

Between A.D.D., blurry vision, drugs, and a hyperactive dog, we can never find anything. The running joke is 'staple it to your forehead' so you know where it is and will be reminded. This fails because even the best of us run out of forehead space. This causes a clutter problem, and we're right back where we started.

• In my house, there's a place for everything. Unfortunately it changes daily.

Hack the Air Force 3.0 is happening soon, wherein 191 countries are invited to hack. Among those countries aren't China, Russia, Iran, or North Korea.  Sure, keep out the guys who have proven they can do it.  When this contest is over, the AF will pay bug bounties. They will also spend 8 months cleaning up the damage from unforeseen hacks:

• latrine doors won't open
• planes will confuse Up with Down
• refrigerators will report directly to China
• flushing a toilet issues the command to bomb North Korea
• Mr and Mrs Bob Winglehocker, of Bumfukt, Arkansas, will be awakened by surprise, after the AF computer orders a 1,001 person AF banjo cookoff and crossdressing cabaret held at their house.

Speaking of crossdressers, we're post midterm elections and nothing has burned. Yet.

• Dear lefty: Phil Poos asks if there are Portuguese Jews.
• Yes.

Somebody, who shall remain nameless, spilled sugar on the carpet. Someone else, who shall also remain nameless, was asked to vacuum it up. This particular someone forgot. No problem, as Vacuum 2 was activated: the dog found it and cleaned it up beautifully. The only issue was that when she was done, her snout looked like she was a coke addict. No one got a picture and the dog got no more hyper or otherwise dangerous. We just have to be very careful around her with cookies.

• There are a ton of operating system and app updates available. Please install them immediately: Windows is full of holes and so is anything from Adobe.
• RELATED: a MS update breaks Calendar and Mail on Windows 10 phones. THERE ARE WINDOWS 10 PHONES? It's the end times.

Since the new way of eating, I've cut way down on my chocolate intake. I've gone from 24/7 to once a day. Not at all coincidentally, I've felt like Advanced Death since around the time I started. Always supportive, my wife bought one of those absolutely humongous bags of mixed candy. This will truly test my will. I will lose spectacularly.

• I am just like everyone else: I put my pants on three legs at a time.

Much to no one's surprise, Penny is the second dog who would rather nap with his mom than hang out with his dad. Last night his mom heated pizza and put it on the arm of the sofa. Penny promptly pulled a piece onto the floor and started to eat it. This displeased dad loudly.  I am certain that she will not do that again. At least until the next time there's pizza on the couch.

• Dear lefty: reader Phyllis Moostache asks if dogs have buttocks.
• Yes.

My coworkers would be disappointed if they didn't hear me say 'I hate Microsoft' at least once a day. They are rarely disappointed. If you're burdened with Office 2016, you know that every meeting invitation automatically gets added to your calendar. Since my company runs on meetings, I have a calendar full of useless meetings (yes, all meetings are useless). I asked Microsoft Help, which isn't. An internet search indicated that it was designed this way on purpose.  One can 'filter' it, which still adds the meeting, but makes it a lighter shade.  I hate Microsoft. MAKE IT OPTIONAL, children of HERR GATES. 

Or, as Ben Stern used to say to little Howard, "I told you not to be stupid, you moron."

• If you missed it, there was a 'small glitch' in the internet, causing Google traffic to be routed through Russia, China, and Nigeria. I'm not the only one amused by this, but it was attributed to a 'misconfiguration' by a Nigerian internet provider.  Sure... blame the black guys.
• Does it bother anybody else that a single internet provider in China Nigeria can hijack traffic through a misconfiguration? Let's do Faceyspaces traffic next! But seriously, folks... this is the way it was designed, back when the most hostile people on the net were college students.

While having a blast at Faceyspaces' expense, their employees are surveyed twice a year about their sentiment and happiness. Last month showed 52% were optimistic about Faceyspaces' future, down a hair (32%) from 84% the prior year.  Unrelated: according to the Wall Street Journal, the leading Barbie Doll enthusiast magazine, the stock price was headed in this direction too.

Is this supposed to be a funny story? I'm laughing hysterically.

• a US panel warned against government purchase of Chinese technology. Gee, really?  How long has ThermionicEmissions been saying this? It's just common sense (which explains why it hasn't been followed).
• Wild guess: in WWII, the Allies didn't buy German technology.

The happy news is that "The fear and uncertainty generated by surveillance inhibit activity more than any action by the police." No, wait, did I say happy? It's a good read.

One of the hallmarks of good customer service (who cares) is not simply saying no - it's providing a workable alternative. I already have - you're just not reading. How's that for customer service? 

No, wait.. it means you really need to consider doing things as safely as possible. Use duckduckgo for searches, because it doesn't track you. Get rid of anything Google, Yahoo, Faceyspaces, Instagram, etc, including email. Set up at least 2 email accounts: one for important stuff and one for junk. Use a decent, encrypted email service like Protonmail (free for basic). Use https for every web connection (or use an extension like HTTP Everywhere, which will do it automatically for you). This will sound weird, but use cash for all transactions. Not only will it protect privacy, your card won't get skimmed or stolen. In the name of all that's holy, don't use free wifi without a VPN. Or don't use it at all. 

Turn your cell phone's wifi off when you leave your house. If you can't remember, a program called Macrodroid can be set to do it for you.

• Several Australian universities have BANNED sarcasm because it's a "form of violence." I'd be thrown in jail for several lifetimes.
• Professor - he hit me with sarcasm and I need a safe room, with puppies.
• The stupid continues, and it's overwhelming.

Speaking of good customer service, a Cryptopay user was denied a password change, so he did the only thing a responsible adult could: mailed them a bomb. Fortunately no one was hurt. The package sat around for five months before someone got around to almost opening it. The sender had a bit of a criminal history, including sending a bit of the old white powder to lawmakers. It turned out to be coke and the lawmakers dropped all charges. Just because I made that up doesn't mean it didn't happen.

• You're going to be shocked.... One Million Kids Tracker Watches were deemed unsafe because any old hacker can access them, allowing them access to your child's location and pictures. Not that you don't post that on Faceyspaces anyway....
• Imagine something called a Tracker Watch becoming a tracker....

So how about the personalized concert lineup the ticket people sent this week?
Jon Bellion's coming! Who the hell is Jon Bellion? Iron Maiden, which is at least close to my wheelhouse. Pink. Pink? I'm starting to think this personalized lineup thing is a lie.  Jeff Lynne's ELO - dammit - they finally got one!  While I know who Lindsey Buckingham is, there's also DAWES. Is this what people from Boston use to get into a house? Seinfeld!!!! God, I hate Seinfeld, although I know who he is. Who are these comedians...  who aren't funny? Kris Kristofferson. The man's multitalented. Trailer Park Boys? I don't know who they are, but I read they're now on the FBI terror list. They must have said something nasty to someone at some time. As a Ron Paul voter, I was on the list too. Let's not leave Sebastian Maniscalco off the list. Remember: you can get free innoculations against Sebastian Maniscalco at your local pharmacy for no copay. It's pretty damn serious, which is why the FBI is encouraging you take the shot. St. Paul and the Broken Bones are also coming. It sounds almost like my previous musical comedy act: we were so bereft of rhythm and grace, that there were inevitably broken bones. Galactic ft. Erica Falls will also grace our area. It would be more efficient to call themselves Galactic Falls, but either way, I'd have no idea who they are and no desire to spend my hard-earned money.  Mumford and Sons. Hmmm.. we know all about them. Banjos. Interbreeding. I can't even type the name without breaking out in laughter. 98 Degrees... sounds like a really HOT act (I apologize profusely for that). Last but perhaps least, The Noise Presents Nothing More. I have no idea, but the idea of Nothing More in the way of Noise sounds wonderful. When I get famous, people will be taking shots at me too.

The Best Laid Plans.... Don't Get Laid

We have food trucks at work. That is about the most positive thing I can say about them. One of them featured Jamaican 'food'. One of my coworkers was talking to another, saying she didn't eat the curried goat because it's too spicy. To be honest, I don't eat the curried goat because it's goat.

Because my wife tithes to Dunkin Donuts, I noticed their new HUGE banner for bacon guacamole flatbread. I'd like to order a bacon guacamole flatbread - hold the guacamole and the flatbread.

Speaking of which, we recently discovered that, in addition to water ice, the dog loves banana splits. To be specific, he loves splits, without banana in them. He's a chip off the old block. Have you ever seen a dog eat an ice cream cone? I always wonder what's going through his head..... hmmm... this ice cream isn't water ice but it's really good. Since it's harder than water, I guess I should bite it - as he takes a bite out of my wife's ice cream. She's flabbergasted but not flabbergasted enough to stop him from trying to eat the actual cone. He liked the cone too. 

Don't get me wrong - the only people food he gets is whatever lands on the floor before we can pick it up, just like the cat. Funny, both of them sit at my wife's feet while she's eating.


THE WAR

Speaking of work, I've apparently entered the War Between Workers. Nobody officially declared war or even bothered to tell me that we have wars, yet here I am.  The shame of it all is that it's a silent war - The War of the Trashcan.

Every day I launch things into the trashcan under my desk.  It's quite a functional trashcan, black, and protected from my every day abuse by the ubiquitous clear baggie-looking-thing.  Every morning I arrive and the aforementioned trashcan has moved out from underneath my desk to right by my cube's opening. This creates quite the issue when I stumble into work and attempt to throw a bit of trash into the can under my desk, totally and completely missing the can.

So my only obvious conclusion is that I'm in a silent war. My opponent is not only laughing at me because my morning trash winds up on the floor, but also because even when I aim it at its new (temporary) location, I still miss the can. This is why I don't play sports. This and the memories of childhood friends, screaming, "HEY LEFTY - YOU'RE RUNNING THE WRONG WAY!"

I'm not typically a warlike guy, especially with coworkers (even the one who sighs wearily, snores and curses every ten minutes, driving me up the wall of my cube and onto the ceiling).... I sought a middle ground. I literally put the can halfway between the desk and the cube exit. And every morning, it's back in its other spot, as if some sort of Facilities Deity has declared it so.

Or it's just some sort of idiotic incentive (probably from my wife) to get me to move a little. Or at all.


SPEAKING OF CANS...

I live across the street from the House That Ate the Neighborhood.  It used to be a nice house that blended into the neighborhood in a pleasant way.  Then came the first add-on, a porch.  Then an additional two-car garage.  Then a porch that surrounded the house and the two-car garage. Then a third floor.  The neighbors have been busy pulling plans and permits at the township - it turns out he has an underground swimming pool, three levels under the house, plus a Very Deep Level, where he keeps his armaments, food stores, and surveillance equipment. My wife is jealous, as she tends to use the Manual Surveillance Mode, whereupon she sits on the front steps and watches the comings and goings of the denizens. "Hey, Patricia's home early from work."

So there's another house down the street which has had its porch under construction for a year. Mind you, this is not the type of porch that can be mistaken for an addition or another bedroom. It's a standard porch - the kind that should be populated with some rocking chairs, a swing, plus an occasional toothless relative. Two weeks ago, out of the blue, the porch had been completed. No idea whether it completed itself or had outside assistance.

Two days later we drove by to see that someone had started a large-ish extension on the side of the house.

Uh-oh.
It's (as they say) ON.

The sensors across the street at the first house set off the alarm. Without declaring anything, the Silent War starts. It starts with an extension. Then House #1 counters with a patio. A screened patio. House #2 parries with a heated sun room. The stakes rise when House #1 annexes the house next door, like Hitler took Poland. House #2, not one to be upstaged, calls in the township, which has laws about Stuff Like This.  In addition to not being allowed to run Slinkys across your back yard, you also can't annex a neighboring house (Hitler notwithstanding).  Pretty soon they'll be lobbing wheelbarrows and dump trucks at each other. The collateral damage will be horrendous.

This is not going to end well. Or soon.

[UPDATE]
I thought we might have seen it all but I was seriously mistaken. There is yet a THIRD house undergoing major reconstruction. Neighborhood War I will be upon us in short order.


AND NOW, THE MUSIC

Today's musical gem is features Sass Jordan. She's one of my favorite female vocalists. Very few know that Sass was invited to spend some time at the Van Halen compound when they were looking for a new singer. I think VH made a terrible mistake in not hiring her. Gary Cherone?

Forgetting for a moment her model-like looks, the woman can just plain sing. She can do slow, she can do fast, she can Janis it out. She also has a great range. While she's more popular in her home of Canada, she needs to be heard round the world. I saw a video of her band recently, where she walked up to the mic with a beer and belched right into it.  Who can NOT love a woman like this?

Make You a Believer is some straight ahead rock, starting with its main riff and going all the way through to its church-like refrain, 'I will make you a believer' at the end.

If you'd lke to hear her softer side, check out You Don't Have to Remind Me. This lady has balls.