Bustenhalters of the Stars

Your love is like  sexually transmitted diseases so new, they haven't named them yet

What's the new car's mpg? 18 of course.

The 8 cylinder Town Car's mpg was 18

The 6 cylinder Sonata's mpg was 18

Now the 4 cylinder Sonata's mpg is 18

-shoulda known

If I were of the OCD persuasion, I could spend years watching the mpg gauge (instead of the road). 

There's some sort of driving switch that does Economy, Sport, and Comfort. Economy kills the response, Sport just uses more gas, and Comfort turns the car into a Cadillac. Doesn't matter - I'll get 18mpg regardless.

• LG is considering exiting the phone market in 2021
• a spokesman said it wasn't fair to price good phones under the major manufacturers, so now the majors can jack their prices up even further, for the people who have way too much money and feel the need to upgrade phones every 23 days or so.
• bummer - my last coupla phones were LG and I liked them. Time to start saving up, people!

Today the Russians broke into my house and replaced all the eggs with caviar. They also sent creepy love notes to Mila Kunis. I'll expect the FBI again soon. 

Biden's pick for Treasury Department, Janet Yellen, wants to curtail the use of cryptocurrency. Why? 

"Cryptocurrencies are a particular concern," Yellen responded. "I think many are used—at least in a transactions sense—mainly for illicit financing."

Once again, Big Sister comes through. Anything the government can't tax or eavesdrop upon must be eliminated. It's for the children, you know. Terrorists! Money laundering! Untaxed nose hair waxing!

Today I identify as a broken hallicrafters S-95 Civic Patrol receiver.

Dear lefty 

• I was at a fancy dinner. There were 2 forks. Why?
• that's easy: you eat with the large fork. If anybody says anything, you stab them with the smaller fork. As with all of my advice, no one will complain to you ever again. 

Some firms are encouraging staff working from home to take lunch breaks together. I smell darkness and predict a rethink of this policy when:

• Dickey and Patty eat.... each other. They don't mind, but HR does.
• Bob plays Bark Ball with his retriever, Bob Jr.
• Sandy plucks her eyebrows, eliciting shrieks from the men online
• Donna changes her colostomy bag
• Steve eats lunch on the toilet
• Rick dj's rap tunes about 'suckin dat dick'
• Charlie shaves his back hair

Today the president broke the White House phone system, attempting to remember how to dial 9-1-1.  Antifa peacefully rioted, destroying a few businesses that would actually hire them. 

• Before you ask, yes, there is a Spark Plug Collectors of America club

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Backjumping

• The DeLorean might be coming back as an electric car
• I wouldn't order the Michael J. Fox model - the car shakes like hell

You may or may not know about the secret employee, hired by supermarkets, to follow me around, see what I buy, and tell the supermarket not to order it anymore. He's been augmented by some sort of psychic employee, who sets sale items before I get there. Cereal? Sorry - sale, none left. Coke? Sorry - sale, 2 cases diet left. Is this the same employee? I have no way of knowing. But if I find anybody following me around, I might accidentally slip and give him one across his lip.

Last night I discovered a few close calls with the Store Robot. I still have no idea what this thing does, but it definitely doesn't crash into customers, beeps a lot, and scares the crap out of little kids (and Mrs lefty). An employee assured me it's not an invasive robot, but (and I need to be kind about this), the store hires people with... problems. I think it's a great idea. I just hope this robot isn't the one that follows me around or decides on sale items. I'm lucky - another local chain has HD video taken from overhead, which is analyzed (by AI, of course), matched to a profile from the Turnpike, and all decisions to stop carrying a product are made that way. This saves the cost of a robot, unless the robot cleans the aisles. It also decided when products are on sale, because it knows when I'm coming in... from the Turnpike. Add a few IoT gadgets in my house, and the store will send a limo for me BEFORE I decide I'm going shopping. And thus, Skynet is born. My RING camera sees me using the bathroom, triggering an order of toilet paper. If I'm having a problem on the throne, the store will send either laxatives or fiber. If a woman has an ovulation tracker to try to get pregnant, Google will send her timely tampon coupons or pregnancy tests. Or condoms. All the Turnpike will send is fare requests with her picture on it. Pictures can also be obtained in any retail store, the store's parking lot, the store's bathroom, the store manager's office, the back room where the store hides all the good stuff, the police's Ring camera feed, your phone, your bathroom, your basement (even if you don't have one), your friends' places, your SO's phone and social media profiles, malls, all your friends' Faceyspaces feeds, Instagram, Twitter, Reddit, and some bitchin pics from your car - it gets you at every angle. 

At the end of the day, it's night.

And don't go shopping with me.

• ring bologna? kinda tastes like salami. note to self: brown stuff is wrapping and NOT edible
• there are 47 different kinds of turkey at the counter. In my experience, they're all horribly bland. There is also chicken breast, but it probably tastes like turkey
• there are 37 different kinds of ham, with only slight variations in taste. Tavern ham? Is it the kind of ham they serve in taverns? HTF am I supposed to know what it tastes like - there are no taverns within a 50 mile radius. There's a sriracha ham, but there's a sriracha everything - it's like salted caramel - it's everywhere.
• there are 138 varieties of cheese. This is a real problem for Mrs lefty, because I hate cheese. Unless she's really specific, she's likely to get American or Venezuelan Beaver Cheese. I purposely forget the name of the cheese she likes - it's called Sock Cheese, because it smells like dirty gym socks, marinated in dirty gym shorts, and fish that's been kept in the trunk of your car for 30 days in the summer. I hate it, the dog hates it, the aliens are going to hate it, and only 3 people on the planet (plus the Italians) like it. I have to make sure I'm upwind when we sit down, or the smell will prevent me from eating. Forever. I swear- if you cut it for someone, the smell is going to get all over your food and you'll turn into a roadside toilet. Voluntarily.
• otoh, perhaps the wife and the Italians have something here... let's say, for a moment, that certain people can turn their tastebuds off. If you could, the smell of the cheese is so bad, it will keep people away. These people are smarter than they look.
• it's not like the OCD gremlins have been out, but I put all the yogurt in a drawer in the fridge. this morning they were all laid out in a different drawer, in the same direction, by flavor.
• on the shopping list, "creamer" is not sufficient. whose creamer? what flavor? the blue one or the orange one? extra thick non-dairy sugar free? the one with beef gravy?
• PULP WARS: yes, orange juice with pulp. Would you like that with SOME PULP, NO PULP, THE MOST PULP, REGULAR PULP, or IF I FIND ANY PULP, I'LL STRANGLE YOU?
• if 1 person eats most of the salad, is a package with 7 heads of lettuce a little much? this works with ice cream but not lettuce. along these lines, is any amount of salisbury steak ok?
• i am not listing this stuff to make you smile at my misfortune - i'm keeping track of the stuff that drives me insane when i'm forced to go shopping. the more shopping insanity there is, the fewer times i'll be forced to go shopping. it's almost like i'm a smart italian or something.... Dear - do you need me to go shopping? Oh no, but thank you for offering. Dear - your left leg is broken. No problem, I've got it. You have a serious concussion from the car crash. Not an issue. You just awakened from a coma. I feel perfectly fine, don't worry. Why don't you let me help? Because I'd rather have a few more car crashes and go blind than listen to you whine about shopping. YES! I'm officially Italian!

SJW Spittle 

Hasn't anybody noticed the lack of diversity in podcasting? 70% of the most popular podcasts are hosted by men! Many are hosted by white men. Although almost nobody knows why this is a problem. One explanation for this worldwide disgrace is Pro Tools, a recording software that has become the industry standard (also for recording). The reason for the lack of diversity is the lack of black people who know Pro Tools (because they haven't been given the same opportunities), that is being used as a gatekeeper to keep black people out.

What a complete and utter truck-full of excrement.

1. Podcasting is about content. If you have interesting material, people will listen.
2. Pro Tools is recording studio level software. If most of what you hear on the radio is done with Pro Tools, why would it need to be required for podcasting?
3. You can record a podcast on any software that will record, including the most basic recorders that come with any operating system. You can also download free programs like Audacity, that can record anything from the most basic voice tracks (podcasts) to records. There is no color bar to using Audacity - just the ability to hit RECORD. If this ability escapes you, you'll need advocates for the Stupid in podcasting.
4. Imagine going through tons of podcasts to determine there is a 'diversity problem.'
5. Podcasting is about content. If you have interesting material, people will listen.
6. There are still no Guatemalan women in guitar or men in electronic assembly work.

Bob, who likes to learn about network security, downloads podcasts to play in his car. Bob finds a topic he wants to learn about and downloads it. He truly gives not a whit about the gender of the podcaster. This would cause even greater confusion with the podcasts featuring men and women.

If I want to hear about playing guitar or gear, rest assured I'll download a podcast about playing or gear. I'll go for the most relevant and talented podcaster I can find, regardless of gender. One of the most famous gear vlogs was done by Rebecca Dirks, for Premier Guitar magazine. She asked good questions. 

I'm so tired of hearing there is not enough diversity in X field. I would argue that podcasting gives minorities more of a chance, because they can use the same rudimentary tools, and if they make the podcasts interesting and on a topic people want to hear about, people will download. Build it and they will come.

Shall we now argue that there weren't enough white people in early blues? 

Naturally there are not enough left handed people in any field. I have to admit I'm not getting enough traction on this.