Pigeon Prostate Dialectics

 Your love is like  old urine stains

Riley June Williams stole Nancy Pelosi's laptop during the Capitol riots. She was going to sell it to the Russians, but the deal fell through, according to her partner, who alerted the FBI. Williams' charges are very light because Pelosi cannot operate a laptop and does no substantial work. The Russians found several solitaire games and email locked because she can't remember her password. The Russians returned the laptop to Williams, who is currently on the run.

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Ancient China from Above, Monster Hunters

• Still haven't spent that Christmas bonus? David Hasselhoff's personal KITT replica is up for auction, currently at $475,000. 
• The Hoff may deliver it, depending on how you look in a Baywatch bathing suit

Right wing site Parler, booted from both app stores and its Amazon hosting, is back. And when I say back, I mean a hello page promising more soon. Mobile access is out, making site access out because mobile users apparently can't open a browser. 

Oops, some of the GPS data shows Parler users were posting from military bases.

Today I identify as fuzzy dice on a car that jumps up and down

Joe Biden is gearing up to take office. And when I say gearing up, I mean paralyzed with fear. He took one look at what was going on and said "I'm not going out there! Orange Man ruined everything!" His handlers had to promise him and his family a trip to Disney. When the offer was made, he asked "What's Disney?" Mickey and Pluto await his family.

One thing Biden will have to deal with is Trump's order for disclosure of UFO unclassified information within about 180 days. Although this is a non-partisan issue, republicans have suggested Joe take a long ride in a UFO. Even though they have no buttocks, the aliens are wary of Joe and know not to let him too close. There is no word for 'handsy' in alien.

Meanwhile in government, there has been a slight shuffle, thought to be due to the reporting requirement. The Navy's Top Man has been made its Bottom Man and responsibility for reporting has been put under Custodial. The Air Force, where many reports are thought to go, will probably elect to go Stupid:

Do you have the report?

Huh?

The report ordered by President Trump 180 days ago.

What report?

The report on UFOs.

Huh?

UFOs.

What report on UFOs?

The CIA will say it does not handle UFOs because J. Edgar Hoover got jealous, so they sent everything to the FBI. The FBI will say there were some instances, but they were buried with J. Edgar, in a simple gown. The DIA knows exactly what Trump was looking for but, dammit, all records on that topic got burned up in a fire, then misplaced. Wright Patterson Air Field, which has the craft, as well as a few of its occupants, will say "Dammit, you just missed them. We sent everything back to Area 51."  Area 51 will say "Is Wright-Patt playing the 'we sent it to Area 51' game again? It must be lost in transit." Meanwhile, no one thought to ask the Department of Illegal Aliens, in Camden, New Jersey, next to the Aquarium. For $27, anyone can see the white alligator, the penguins, and all the UFO documents they can read. You can buy souvenir UFO paper reprints in the Aquarium Store, but you'll never be able to read the writing on the little papers. And by the way - white alligator tastes like chicken.

• Bloomberg leaked some details about Apple's new phone for 2021
• It will be great
• It will be the best
• You will trade your first-born for one
• You will line up around the corner from the Apple store in the traditional position: on your knees, wallet extended, drooling

Always there but invisible is the Secret Service; the men and women charged with protecting the president. Well, not exactly there, but they will be.  Most of them are home or on vacation, in an alcohol or drug-induced haze. Reached for comment, the Service said "Once you've protected Trump, there's nowhere else to go. The lunatics sent death threats at the rate of 1 every 5 seconds. We're not positive, but some of the threats might've come from family (don't quote me on that). Biden will be a veritable vacation. No one wants to do much harm because he's old and fragile. We can keep track of those who do when Parler comes back up. Nobody will bother Kamala because she has more races than we have agents and nobody wants to go down in history as the person who shot not only a woman, but a woman of Race."

Trump's detail is code-named Nuclear, Biden's is Huh." There is likely to be less violence than steering Joe in the right direction. Dick Cheney, I mean Kamala, will actually run things, from the Oval Office's highly secure broom closet, where all vice presidents sleep. Accounts are being set up on Twitter and Faceyspaces. Both will have an Instagram account, so they can show their paper-folding skills. Joe can fold half an airplane, Kamala can do letters, which, when sat next to each other, spell the democratic slogan: This is all we got. The Secret Service has installed a mobile bar in the White House.

• Scientists are surprised to find electric eels hunt in packs. Formerly thought to be solitary hunters, they discovered that if a 120 volt eel hunts with another eel, they have 240 volts with which to zap their prey.

Flying AIDS willing, the Le Mans will go on and Toyota wants to win, with its hybrid GR010 prototype. "The only problem is locating 450 D-batteries," said Mr. Toyota.

Spotify expected Big Bucks<tm> by purchasing exclusive podcasts by the likes of Joe Rogan, who they had to promise they wouldn't censor. Unfortunately for Spotify, they have seen no gains from their strategy.

I'm flummoxed to discover there are podcasts from such world pundits as Michele Obama, Kim Kardashian, and The Duke and Duchess of Sussex. 

Good morning and welcome to Spotify's new podcaster overview. I have with me former first lady, Michele Obama. Mrs. Obama, tell us about your podcast.

Thank you, Bob. The main thrust of my podcast will be trans rights. I'll be spending time on the many proofs that I'm not a man, and many others on why my husband was the bestest president ever and should be re-elected again and again. I will be vice president, then president, when Barack gets tired of it. You have no idea how many people voted for us him because we're black. Even Hollywood loves us, and each week I'll have another superstar on with me. Also how I'm a fashion icon and soooo much more beautiful than Melania, whose idiot husband prevented her from getting positive press. The celebrities appearing on the podcast will affirm how beautiful I am.

I see.

Your podcast seems a bit self-centered.

Well, Bob, all of our fans are clamoring to enjoy the same themes that occurred during the crowning Obama administration. But I'll tell you a funny story about your next president: he was an idiot - a real bumbler, bound to say the wrong thing or squeeze the wrong woman whenever he got the opportunity. So he was kept in the White House basement, tied to a chair, for 8 years. If we weren't fond of a certain country, we'd sit Joe next to them at dinners. They referred to it as getting Bidened.

That was Michele Obama. Thank you, Mrs. Obama.

Next up is Kim Kardashian. [bang CRASH]

Uh... Kim.... the chairs are the metal things.

Silly me. Hi, Bob.

Hi, Kim. Can you tell us about your podcast?

Well, ummm.... like... a lot of selfies. A lot of selfies. We live on selfies. If we don't take at least 147 a day, we may wind up back in therapy. There are so many selfies to take.. .ones getting in the car. Ones getting out of the car. Heehee - ones sitting in the car.

Who is driving the car?

Oh, my daddy.

Isn't your father dead?

He was. But our antics brought him back from the grave, to save what little was left of humanity. Check my site for the latest selfies of me and him. Like, duh.

What else will listeners be treated to?

Well, ya know, stuff. And things. I have lots of thoughts and I'll be sharing them. The ones that I remember, silly. Some of my thoughts are pretty deep. I shared them at the White House once. Drab place - I should totally redecorate. Of course there will be style. Every podcast will feature selfies of my wardrobes for the show.

Wardrobes?

Oh, totally. I'll be changing 4-5 times per podcast. A girl should never be caught wearing the same clothes over 15 minutes at a time. Plus the big secret: I'm really a blond. I color my hair so people think I'm smart and shit.

I see. What else?

Well, like... isn't that enough? I could put out a 60 minute podcast of me breathing and my legions of fans will devour it. They'd all study it to breathe just like me, Heehee. I'm.. you know... a social influencer. I get paid millions to wear stuff so it'll sell. I get paid whether it does or not. And people call me stupid. Stupid like a fly, I am.

Will Kanye appear?

Oh, HIM.

No, I'm, like, tired of him.

You know you can't shed a husband like an outfit, right?

You can't?

Thank you, Kim.

Finally, on this podcast preview, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex

Good day, Robert.

What can we expect from your podcast?

Well, Ringo...

Robert.

Well, Robert, we're the young generation and we've got something to say, to quote The Monkees. They were fantastically big. At one point, bigger than our Beatles. We have a dog named after us.

The Sussex Spaniel?

Exactly, Rado.

Robert.

Exactly, Robert. Frightful little thing. We have 2 and they pee all over the kids. Or rather, the kids pee all over the dogs - I always get those 2 mixed up.... kids and urine.

What else can we expect?

Well, Radiccio...

Robert.

Well, Robert, we are going to clear the air on many topics, the main one being my wife.

The Duchess of Sussex?

Her too. You see, I married a woman of mixed race. While that would get me in the White House in the States, it doesn't sit well with Royalty. Seems they're a bit hypocritical, I'd say. I think they're also jealous that she is so hot. You see, Royalty has a multi-thousand year tradition of being unattractive. Unappealing. Turning subjects to stone. Stone ugly. Ugly enough to scare the white off rice. Now that we've gone and broken the tradition, we seem to have angered everyone. I mean, look at her, Rembrandt...

Robert.

Look at her, Robert. Wouldn't you take your royal sword in hand and wield it with precision in her general direction?

Yes, Your Majesty.

I suspect one of the reasons she's so reviled is that, even in the Royal Palace, she doesn't turn into a great green lizard, like the Queen. This was bound to cause division but we never thought of it, back when parts of me were saluting one of her entrances. Like all Americans, she's a 3 input girl.

Mixed marriages are hard.

You are telling me, Rufus.

Robert.

So we plan to do as much good as we can for humanity. My mother is Diana, you know. Killed, she was. Her driver was on PCP and the video cameras under the bridge pulled an Epstein and went out for the first time since they were mounted.

One of the most severe problems we face is the hat issue. The Duchess, being American, is not used to hats, especially ridiculous ones. In Britain, women like their hats. They will put almost anything on their heads. Some sport circus animals, but if they don't match the outfit, the elephants need to be dyed. To show there's no division between Royalty and commoners, there's a weight limit for hats: up to 1/2 of the lady's body weight. This way, everybody has an equal chance to wear the most unseemly thing on their heads they can. This is provided it gets through doors. At the last horse race, one woman wore an entire horse (dyed green, of course) on her head and the ambulance people had to take her out on a plus size stretcher so she didn't have to remove it. It's more competitive than horse racing. The Duchess is getting her spine realigned so she can put these monstrosities upon her head. Rather, so her Hat Installation Team can place them upon her head. There are certain advantages to being a Royal. The first time the Duchess saw a woman wearing a row of spectator seats on her head, she almost fainted, not to mention the lady wearing the old Chevrolet. What's worse, it was left hand drive!  We wish to dispel many myths about Royalty and getting kicked out of Royalty, Renee.

Robert.

So that's what we have coming up in podcasts. Still, no one knows why revenues are plummeting. Download our podcasts, even if you just like to watch things burn.

In a move that absolutely no one can understand, scientists have improved the efficiency of certain solar cells with capsaicin. Capsaicin is the substance that makes peppers hot. Who in the entire bleedin universe thought of this?

• Hey Bob - let's improve its efficiency by sprinkling some capsaicin on it.
• Hey - you've got your solar cells in my capsaicin! Hey - you've got your capsaicin in my solar cells!
• Everything tastes better with hot pepper!
• Scientists will spend the next month trying different peppers. I highly recommend chipotles, which make food come alive with smoky goodness.

Buoyed by the news, scientists are also trying fried chicken in car engines, garlic powder in tennis rackets, and turmeric in cell phones.

Triple Reverse SJW 

GitHub wants you to know it is very sorry for firing a Jewish employee for writing in an internal Slack chat room, "Stay safe, Homies. Nazis are about" during the Trump riots. He was fired after another employee tagged him for using divisive rhetoric.

The employee used what could be the best line ever: "I did not know that, as a Jew, it would be so polarizing to say this word."  The employee had relatives who died in the Holocaust. Gee, since he didn't know it was polarizing, and because he's a Jew, they shouldn't have fired him. GitHub said, "After all, black people don't know it's polarizing to say nigger and can say it with impunity."

Meanwhile. GitHub is trying to hire the ex-employee back but they can't find him. Even from all his documentation, with his phone number on it, they are experiencing significant difficulties. GitHub referred to itself as Stupid Polacks.