Imaginary Interview: Michael Nesmith [The Monkees]

It's been forever since ThermionicEmissions did an imaginary interview, having done them with Jimi Hendrix, Justin Currie, Jimmy Page, and, you know, other people. Since a non-guilty pleasure of mine is The Monkees, I thought I'd give it a shot. I have the distinct advantage of my subject being deceased, which cuts way down on legal threats, denials, and sending 'friends' to visit me.

Mr. Nesmith, so nice to see you.

You too, lefty. Call me Mike.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Neshmooth.

I take it you saw the show.

I don't want to say I was a fan, but I've seen every episode almost as many times as Monty Python episodes.

That's a lot. Wow, man.

We're nothing if not truthful. We also don't understand why sometimes we speak in the plural. It's more appropriate for Mrs. lefty, but we're nothing if not hungry. Have you eaten?

No, man, I'm dead. Does wonders for the appetite.

By comparison, your accent stands out a bit from your bandmates'.

Yeah, it took 6 months to learn. Normally I sound like John F. Kennedy, but the writers didn't think it was as funny as Texas. Y'all.

So how's death treating you?

Decent, thanks for asking. Not having to breathe takes a lot of stress off.

What kinds of stuff do you do?

Pretty much anything I want to.

Are there lots of guitars?

If you want.

Groupies?

To your specifications.

Do you ever get bored?

I kinda like it, actually. I was getting tired of the life thing. The fame was a drag sometimes, even after I stopped wearing the hat and started going bald.

That was ironic.

You're telling me.

Another of my deceased heroes is Frank Zappa, who appeared in a tv episode and your movie, Head. Have you seen him since?

Oh yeah, Frank was a bit put out to discover what things are like in the afterlife. He knew there was no God, but he wasn't expecting the No Smoking signs. The guy smoked like a city block full of chimneys.

Do you jam?

Seriously, man, have you ever tried to play his stuff? I'd have a better chance of coming back to life and doing it all over again as myself.

Well, yes, there is that. Maybe you can write with him.

Funny - we're working on a Death Opera. It's called "We'll never get this played." It sounds just like his other songs, but this time there's no chance at all of it ever happening. I hear some of his fans have demo tapes of it.

How did the movie company take to 'Head'?

They weren't thrilled at first.We pointed out that we had several other titles we put aside: Blow Job, Vagina, Cunnilingus, and anal. They decided Head was good after all. I actually liked Cunnilingus - it sounds Roman. "I, Cunnilingus, come to give pleasure to the women of Rome." The studio wives liked it too.

Speaking of hats, where did yours come from?

Funny story... the weather has always been a little weird in Texas. One day it was really cold and, check this out, I put it on my head and went outside. Since then, it's kinda been my thing.

Yeah, about that.... I went to buy one on your final tour and it was a truly sad experience. First, it wasn't even close to the color... it was more blue than green. Second, it didn't have 6 buttons on it. I felt kinda put out.

Those bastards! Our marketing department was... shall we say...  chemically disabled. Or just plain stupid. We think both: one led to the other. You shoulda seen some of the crap they sold on tour.  The keychains had our name spelled wrong, the t-shirts were printed by wallabees (and not the bright wallabees), and the coffee mugs had holes in them. Sometimes we'd sneak offstage to see what kind of trash they were selling to our fans. It was shameful. As a result, some weekends I haunt them, just for fun. Sometimes I put the bumper stickers over their faces while they sleep. Then I come back when they wake up. It never gets old. It has also improved the quality of everyone's merchandise too. Except ours. Don't piss off the dead.

As you know, I play the guitar, so it would be morally wrong not to go there. What were your favorite guitars and how many did you play or just have?

How the hell should I know?

Sorry, I can't help you there.

There was the main guitar - a Gretsch 12 string electric, that was used for many things when we started playing our own instruments. That was the source of a few loud disagreements.

Yes, the studio still has the holes in the wall. I saw a picture of you with a black, 3 pickup Les Paul.

Really?

Yes, you were playing live, as a guest with a variation of the Monkees.

Oh yeah, Blackie. Old Blackie - I almost forgot about her. Damn thing weighed 45lbs.  I had no idea Gibsons were that heavy.

Gibson is actually drilling holes in some bodies for weight relief.

So, like, instead of 45lbs, they're only 25lbs?

37, but who's counting. What did you use for amps?

Whatever was standing behind me. Since I'm from Texas, it had to be BIG. I think some idiot plugged me into an Acoustic p.a. once. He kinda limped out of the stadium and never worked in the business again. Since I'm tall, I wound up with a Marshall. I saw Jimi use them and thought maybe if I used one, I'd get some of his talent. Turns out it didn't work that way. Man, that guy was on fire - and this was before he set his guitars on fire. Many people think it was a publicity stunt. He set it on fire because the stupid Strat wouldn't stay in tune after he was done abusing the whammy bar. There aren't any pictures, but Leo Fender, Floyd Rose, and Ann Margaret used to visit him backstage, to help with his... problems. Leo didn't get the whammy bar issue fixed til long after Jimi was dead. Jimi was pretty good to me when I arrived here. It was like the old days again. We even had the Plaster Casters here, taking molds of our penises. I have no idea whether or not they're different from the ones they made when we were alive, but I don't care enough to check. 

Fender eventually bought Gretsch. And just about every instrument company they could. What would you think of a Nesmith model 12 string electric, as well as a red Monkees reissue? I hear the posthumous reissues do the best.

I think it would be nice, and would sell approximately 4 units, most to my family. I'd never see a dime from it. They used the same accounting system as the record companies, who are still sending representatives up here, claiming I owe them money. We just tell them to go to hell, and they head right back down.

I've looked for a long time and can't find either left handed. Do you think you could put in a word for me?

What kind of a (dead) person would I be if I didn't honor my host? The Dead have a special way of getting stuff. And I don't mean the Grateful Dead, although Garcia's around here somewhere. If you see him, please don't tell him he's dead. He doesn't know yet.

Tell me about the groupies. Who got the best and the most?

Well, the singer is always going to do the best - think about it... would John Bonham get a better selection than Robert Plant? So Davy and Mickey got quality, Peter and I got quantity.

I heard that you really hated Peter.

He's around here somewhere - you can ask him.  He doesn't come by often, after I threatened to kill him all over again.

Cancer is a bitch, especially more than once. Speaking of cancer, did you have any kind of dementia or Alzheimer's going on? I know it's a weird question, but you being dead and all....

You caught that. Yeah, it was a real exercise to get me onstage and to behave by the last few concerts. By the end, I tended to wander around the stage. It didn't seem to bother anybody. They all commented that my playing improved quite a bit since I forgot how to play.

Who were some fans we wouldn't think were fans?

Elvis was a big fan, as was President Nixon, Tiny Tim, and Spiro Agnew. We liked Agnew, but only for his name; he was never allowed backstage. Led Zeppelin was very kind to us, showing us the fine art of trashing hotel rooms. Peter Grant, their manager, was the Big Man on Campus. In fact, he was the Big Man Anywhere - he was a big man. He taught us how to stand up for ourselves and the precise place to knee promoters in the nuts if they didn't pay us the agreed-upon fee. Tiny Tim actually auditioned for what would become my role, but they didn't hire him because he was too much of a heartthrob, and that was Davy's character. 

What did the groupies wear?

All sorts of things. Some wore very little. It seemed the amount of skin shown was inversely proportional to their attractiveness.

There is something about your song Joanne that really gets to me.

Yeah, we put a lot of Studio Mojo into it so people couldn't help but feel that way.

Wow, that's some technology. Why didn't we ever hear about it?

Because the tv people co-opted it and it's used on every program and commercial ever made.

Englebert Humperdink told tales of incredible things thrown onstage when he performed: room keys, bras, notes with phone numbers, carburetors... Zappa made a quilt of underwear thrown onstage. What did they throw at you guys?

The usual: peanuts, Hendrix t-shirts, $5 sodas, you gotta understand, it was a different time. Things changed over the years too... after a while, they'd throw false teeth, wheelchairs, various medicines, but not the good kind, and the odd horse. Davy loved horses. In fact he's out riding now - I'll see if he can come by.

Did you ever drive the Monkeemobile?

Oh no, we weren't permitted. The insurance company said we were only to be inside of it, and away from the wheel at all times. To be honest, nobody could drive it: that damn chrome blower thing blocked the entire windshield. We had to drive with our heads out the window, which was hell when it rained.

Was life really a huge herd of groupies chasing you guys while you pushed a bed down the street in your pajamas?

Nah, that was Hollywood. They were prop pajamas we wore, while pushing a bed down the street, being chased by a huge herd of groupies. It was a very difficult scene to film. Eventually the director explained we weren't supposed to let the groupies catch us. It only took one more take after that.

What were your first concerts like?

I dunno. Don't get me wrong.. I was there, but the screaming was so loud, we could have been performing opera and no one would have known. This was before monitors, so we were clueless. Sometimes we found out we were playing different songs at the same time, but nobody noticed. Things got a lot better when we could hear ourselves, except for the fact that we could hear ourselves. It took some adjustment. Mickey was a born performer. He wanted us to set the show up like Vaudeville. The only problem was that the 3 of us didn't know what Vaudeville was. We discovered that no matter what we did the audience went insane. Eventually boredom got to us and we started to experiment.

With your music?

With the stuff we did onstage. We'd each try to one-up the others, to see how much we could get away with onstage, without actually playing any songs. Peter eventually won when he dropped trou and took a dump onstage. That's why Peter's the intellectual of the group. The audience was out of its collective mind. I think there were 5 heart attacks, 27 fainting, and 127 cases of Spontaneous Shitting. We tipped the cleanup guys heavily after that. Little did we know this would turn out to be a huge thing in rock and roll, especially with that Springsteen. He dropped trou too, but never completed the act. That explains why he always sounds constipated when he sings. Don't tell anybody.

No problem, I don't have that kind of readership. If I can get her attention, Mrs. lefty might read this. There are a few other loyal readers, mostly from foreign countries. They tell me that's what accounts for my very weird statistics. People typically come by, spend a lot of time looking around, then never come back again. They say this doesn't happen with any other blog.

Maybe it's because you have imaginary interviews, sometimes with dead people.

Excellent point, Mike. When I was tiny, I used to watch your show. I was a fan at 6. I never thought I'd be sitting here, chatting with you.

Aw, you make me feel old.

So long as I don't make you feel dead, I guess that's a good thing. Was Davy as short as he appeared to be on tv, or does tv add 3" to you?

Funny you ask... the producers tried everything they could and used all the studio trickery available, and Davy would only appear short on tv. In real life he was 6'7". They even tried lifts in his shoes, which he'd constantly fall off of. It was great schtick, but got tired after the first few hundred times he fell.

Did groupie 'technique' improve over the years?

I'm here to tell you that quality tended to win out. Either that or the good ones had more patience. Actually it was just penicillin combined with the Pill. It's a shame that our technique tended to wane over the years, although I'm not sure the girls knew... The only thing I really hated was afterwards, when they'd ask me which one I was. If I couldn't get it up, I'd tell them I was Peter.

You guys were quite a close-knit happy family.

Right up until we discovered automatic weapons. Chicago was the end of it, when the police, SWAT, the National Guard, and the Navy had to be brought in to stop us shootin each other up. That was the start of the Monkees without having 4 of us in the band.

Listen to the Band?

More like listen to parts of the band, not equaling the whole.

What band was your secret pleasure? What band did you want to join if you could?

I know I'll regret this, but I really liked Donny and Marie Osmond. I used to listen to them backstage, to warm up for our shows.

I wasn't expecting that one.

Nobody was. How do you think I made it through a tv show and years of touring? Today when I see a weight Watchers commercial with Marie, I still get a chubby. I mean, have you seen her?

I wasn't expecting that one.

As for bands I wanted to join... well... obviously the Osmonds. It would have made me the happiest rock star in the world to perform for them, to back them up, all the while being able to see Marie's butt all night. But I could only get lucky once in a lifetime, so I had to be happy with the Monkees.  I did want to join Led Zeppelin, but it came down to Page and me. Page won because he could smoke while he was playing. And he could do more heroin than me without blinking. Ozzy Osbourne said my hair was too wild.  Jimi and I were talking about something, but he said I was too white. What does that mean? I wrote a bit for Paul Anka, Marvin Hamlisch, and Dead Leppard. Like everybody else, I fell in love with Judy Blue Eyes, but Graham Nash never forgave me. 

Didn't you have any addictions?

I was kinda fond of tobacco.

Chewing?

Snorting.

Oh.

After things wound down, I didn't know what to do with myself, so I stopped my solo career and spent a few years in a White-Out induced fog. But I haven't had a snort in 33 years [applause].

What was it like having your son in the band?

That bastard?

Never mind. What was the groupie situation as time went on.

Well, things kinda dried up. Some wouldn't throw themselves at me until I put the hat on. Those were bad times. 

One thing sticks with me: you and Zappa had this look about you.... you were the smartest people in the room.

That's cause we were.

And you looked like you didn't suffer fools gladly.

That's cause we didn't.

Jimi said, "Flotation is groovy."  Was he right?

Oh, maaan, Jimi was always right, even if he didn't know what he was saying. The man was a genius. A troubled genius, who took a lot of drugs. I can't imagine playing guitar on that many drugs. But he was the best...

Mike, thanks for coming by. Or for coming back. Or something.  It's good to hear about you in your voice. Sorta.

Thank you, lefty. I feel better getting some of it out.

Stay tuned for the next interview, with... ummmm... the next interviewee.

Jeff Beck

 This is so sad....

Jeff Beck (78) died of bacterial meningitis.

Don McLean sings "The day the guitar died"

Jeff is simply one of the best guitarists ever. He constantly kept things interesting by going in unexpected directions, like classical, Johnny Depp, the 2 ladies he found in a local pub..  He always had a variety of players onstage, including a lot of women, who got the gig with their talent. A few albums included Jan Hammer, formerly of the Mahavishnu Orchestra. Jan went on to do music for Don Johnson's show, set in Florida.

Early Jeff Beck came via the Yardbirds, which also gave us Jimmy Page and Eric Clapton.

Next was the Jeff Beck Group, with a little known, spiky-haired singer who was so nervous, he hid backstage. You know him as Rod Stewart.

The next Jeff Beck Group was a 5 man talented bunch, with Cozy Powell on drums. They ran 2 albums, 

Then BBA - Beck Bogert Appice, a power trio that also didn't last long.

then Jeff was largely solo. Only he preferred tinkering with his hot rods, like Billy Gibbons, to touring, I believe they were good friends, playing together a lot live and Jeff appeared on an album. He and Rod got together every now and then. I think they were planning something soon.

He had a rockabilly phase and tour.

The solo albums were incredible, with different ideas, and just got better as Jeff got older.

Listen to my favorite album, Blow by Blow   - Stevie Wonder appears, uncredited, produced by George Martin (the Beatles)

My favorite song, also from Blow by Blow - Cause We Ended as Lovers (by Stevie Wonder)

Look on YouTube for Live at Ronnie Scott's. An incredible appearance in a small club. Jimmy Page does a walk-on. At one point you can see Robert Plant in the audience.

When Jimi Hendrix first came to England, he started playing at clubs, generating a reputation for being a wild man on the guitar. The Beatles, The Stones, Eric Clapton, and Jeff all went to see him, scared from what they heard about him. They were the Big Guns. They left wide-eyed.

Nothing to worry about, Jeff.

GODDAMMIT  they were my heroes. I learned most of their songs. I performed Hendrix songs in my first high school bands. I spent a lot of time trying to get Jeff's lyricism and bent note phrasing. It was never going to happen, but I had fun. He inspired so many musicians, starting in the early 60s. I tried to get him to sign my #1 guitar, but he's pretty reclusive after concerts. I even called the concert's sponsor.

At least we still have his music. Eight Grammys, from when a Grammy wasn't decided by deaf people. Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with the Yardbirds and solo, back before Donna Summer, Eminem, and Tupac were inducted.

RIP, Lord of the Strings

Forget the Moon, Let's Go to Uranus. Lots of Stuff on Uranus.

 Your love is like  a couple of broken limbs

• this week's best malware name: Squirrelwaffle
• this week's worst 'feature': new hi-res icon

Today I identify as  a supply shortage

The equipment we left on the Moon is experiencing significant failures.

The Chinese, who are on the Dark Side of the Moon, keep hearing Pink Floyd and their ship keeps moving from where it was parked while they're out on exploration.

Namibia, who told no one they landed there, keeps feeling someone tapping them on the shoulder, but there's no one there.

The Russians noticed something kept moving around their toilet paper, making it feel just like home.

It's the aliens. They want us off the Moon.

Can you blame them? Look at the trash we leave behind. Plus we keep firing bombs at it to see if it's round. We're really more trouble than we're worth. No one wants us leaving Earth because we'll infect the rest of the solar system.

But seriously, Folks.... why the Moon... again?

To the best of my knowledge, we've been there, done that.

We even lost large amounts of knowledge of what and how we did it, and the people who did it are dead.

A number of countries have probes on Mars.

We have craft that can get there and beyond, but NASA is the people-facing part of space flight.

Yet we're spending billions to put a man on the moon. Again.

Excuse me; a man, a woman, a person of color, and other underrepresented minorities.

• Biden concedes his COVID stimulus checks fueled spike in inflation
• #ImpeachBiden

Flying AIDS News

Austria orders non-vaccinated people into COVID-19 lockdown

Why it can be hard to prove a vaccine caused a bad outcome [because you can't distinguish BEFORE the shot from AFTER the shot?]  

Italy is requiring workers, public and private, to get government-issued health passes. The unvaccinated can only keep receiving a paycheck by getting inoculated or undergoing regular testing.

States expand boosters, activate crisis care as delta rolls on

Covid vaccine ‘waning immunity’: How worried should I be?

No, COVID-19 vaccines won’t make you infertile

Fauci Admits: Vaccines Did Not Work as Advertised – Monday Live

Best mask sighting: biker, mask under helmet AND over helmet, while riding

Pressed by @GStephanopoulos what Biden admin can do in the short term to address inflation, National Economic Council director Brian Deese says “we have to finish job on COVID.”   

#ImpeachBiden

• Hackers compromise FBI email system, send thousands of messages
• dontcha feel protected now? 

Another step toward equality: more boys have eating disorders

War on Flight Attendants 

Southwest Airlines employee hospitalized after passenger punched her head

Perhaps airline employees should carry....

• Australian women sue over Qatar airport strip-searches
• because there aren't any

Joe Biden and Xi Jinping: What they want from talks

Xi: Taiwan and trade restrictions

Biden: a lollipop. a red one.

A Covid Christmas

• The FDA hasn't approved a vaccine for the North Pole variant, but wants Santa to take it anyway. The elves will all have to be vaccinated (half dose) because even when vaccinated, Santa could be a carrier. Mrs. Claus will obviously need the shot, or else it's going to be a long, cold year for Santa.
• The CDC says 'whatever the FDA said is good.'  Then the CDC said 'nothing the FDA said is good.'  The WHO said 'nothing' and was unanimous in it. Then the WHO said it hopes it dies before it gets old.
• Santa is a little agitated because Dr. Fauci says Santa will have to wear a mask, both in chimneys and while flying in his sleigh.
• Bill Gates said to shut up and take the shot, or there will be a Windows 12.
• President Taxit mandated that the entire North Pole be vaccinated or be quarantined.
• The union representing the elves is refusing any mandates. A concert was put on by Ted Nugent, who froze his guitars' nuts off. Several elves who got the shot voluntarily had to go on Disability due to the side effects, which include half their body freezing, heart attacks, nose growth, and inability to live in cold climates.
• Santa can only eat milk and cookies at houses with vaccine certificates.
• Since Santa will visit every house and knows if you've been bad or good, he was told he's working for the NSA, whether he likes it or not, or the IRS will audit him back to the beginning of time.
• Christmas trees are in short supply due to Supply Chain Issues. Even fake trees can't be found. No one can be found to sell the trees either, because McDonalds is paying $22 an hour.
• Many North Pole businesses have gone out of business because of the lockdown. There are no reindeer shoes to be found. The union for the reindeer says NFW they're delivering the Fat Man to diseased countries. Lady Gaga did a concert in support of the reindeer, but nobody showed up because all she wore was winter clothing.
• Large groups of parents across the world were closing their chimneys, because the elves and Santa were unvaccinated and the toys could be viral.

In the end, Santa had to stay home because he was not an Essential Business.

The Metaverse Is the Ultimate Surveillance Tool

Silicon Valley is rushing to build the next big thing and people should be skeptical of their intent. Please read and understand this before I have to say 'told you so'.

Your world is pointing toward an insistence on conformity which is causing you enormous grief. It’s what’s at the heart of all of your religious battles, and religious battles are what are at the heart of all of your battles. In other words, all of your wars and global irritation with one another are over your determination to promote sameness. Your democracy insists that it’s the only government that works. And every religion (it’s interesting to note) proclaims that it is the only one that works. - Abraham Hicks

What many famous musicians had to say about Jimi Hendrix

So sorry I missed him.

Roger Daltrey: the internet is destroying humanity

Has the Flying AIDS affected you? Are you having a problem with being shut in?

Talk to someone. Don't keep it inside. Bad Stuff<tm> can happen if you bottle it up. 

Captivity - Day 77 Law & Order SUV

AstraZeneca is going to start making an anti Flying AIDS vaccine. Not sure how they know what will work, but who needs facts - there's money involved. Because the giant pharmaceutical company is so poor, this vaccine is backed by Bill Gates.  Bill Gates is a war criminal. This is the man who gave us Windows. Would you trust a vaccine from him?


The Bring Your Child to Work Day thing isn't working out as well at the originators thought. In these days of The Flying AIDS, everyone's working from home anyway. So every day is Bring Your Child to Work Day. First, you cannot social distance from a cocker spaniel, nor can you put a mask on her (someone is going to get rich selling a pet mask).  My lap is a favorite place. If she can't get there, she likes to block the doorway. Some mornings I wake up to find emails have been sent to Purina, Pupperoni, and doggie escort services. I hope this is not Mrs lefty (again). The barking on conference calls is out of hand: as soon as one dog barks, all the other dogs on the call start barking. This is not necessarily a bad thing - sometimes they come up with better ideas than their humans. You also have to watch out for your snacks and, most importantly, your coffee. Over time, our 4 cocker spaniels have loved coffee. The rule is if you put it closer to the floor than your seat, it's theirs.


The Minnesota police apologized for the Floyd killing. They said there was an error in their police manual that caused a misunderstanding. The police  manual said "Handcuff the perpetrator, have him medically checked, put him in a car or van, and get him to the station." They thought it said "put your boot on his neck until he's dead." It was a simple mistake anybody could make, and they are very sorry.



One of the downsides to having absolutely no filters is that you occasionally stick your foot in it. I was practicing with my band and afterwards we saw a legal commercial for mesothelioma. Never having heard the word, I turned around to the band and said "Mesothelima? I had that for dessert last night." The bass player turned green. He whispered "Shhh.... my dad has it." For some reason, I do this a lot.


It's so good to be home after the Great Storm of 2020. I can now trip over my own stuff. The dog can bark at anything that walks by the house, and Mrs lefty can continue her intimate relationship with Quality Shopping Network at Home. When they don't hear from her for a few days, they call to see if she's ok.


The National Guard was just told not to carry guns at the DC protests.
In related news, the Air Force was just told not to fly planes.




THEY SAID WHAT?


Texas Lt Governor said the way to address racism is to "accept Jesus Christ."

• Don't listen to him. He hasn't been the same since the pig kicked him in the nuts.
• First Amendment violation - Church and State
• it's clear to anyone with a pair of kidneys that we have to accept Jimi Hendrix. He died so we could play the guitar.

A cofounder of Reddit is resigning and wants to be replaced by a black candidate.

Uber Eats is not charging for food ordered from black-owned restaurants

Joe Biden said 10 to 15% of Americans are "not very good people." Then he showed everyone his liver spots.

Imaginary Interview: Mike Nesmith

From time to time, ThermionicEmissions interviews interesting people, usually ones who play guitar. Imagine that. So far Justin Currie (Del Amitri) and Jimi Hendrix (Jimi Hendrix) have appeared in these pages. Unfortunately the interviews are all one-way because.... can you see me trying to contact Jimi? Justin? "Hey, man, big fan. Would you do an interview for a blog with several actual readers?" Or "I thought you were dead, man..."

Inspired by a recent interview video on YouTube, I figured Mr. Nesmith (Nez to people who know him. I don't know him.) would be a prime target person of interest for the blog.

• Nez (may I call you Nez?), it's so great to see you after all these years. I'm not sure what it is that's different.. must be the hat. No, wait, we're related (one pair of chrome domes).

• Congrats on that Liquid Paper thing - your mom was a genius.

• Where did the hat come from? Was it after a meeting of the Executive Committee? Did you know that your concessions don't sell the proper shade of green? And no choice of buttons.

• You mentioned you're not a collector, even of guitars. What are/were your favorite guitars over the years? What is your desert island guitar?

• The guitar-centric interviews always talk about guitars, but what about amps? I saw some old footage of you guys, dressed in white. You were playing a 3 pickup SG (LP) through what looked like a combination Marshall and Acoustic(?) speaker setup. Did you enjoy that? Where are you on the tube/solid state argument? What is your desert island amp?

• Some of the Monkees interviews have taken time and experience into view, specifically about the external producers/band as a product years. You put your hand through a wall during a meeting with Don(nie) Kirschner. Can you tell me about that, along with any differences in your thoughts today?

• Joanne is a song that really resonates with me. Can you tell me how it was written - by experience, perhaps? Did your writing methods change during and after the Monkees?

• Aside from the obvious differences, how do your solo work performances compare to Monkees shows? Have you ever been chased by adolescent girls after a solo show?  <-- this is what we call a setup

• I write some mean parodies but can't seem to cross over into serious songs. The parodies go over well but I think it's time to add real songs to the resume. Any advice?

• Did growing up in Texas prepare you for stardom and fame around the globe?   <-- this is also what we call a setup, or a Really Dumb Question.

• Does the quality of groupies change over the years? Do you have any film? Regale us with stories, please. Are the STDs any better or worse these days?

• There were Monkees feuds over the years: how do you view them and what are your thoughts on them now, in light of 50% of the group missing?

• You and Frank Zappa always strike me as being too cool for the room, but not intentionally. You're both bright, but tell me why I get that impression. I know Frank appeared on a show and in your movie, Head.

• How could/should Head have been made differently? Would it include less of Certain Substances in the writing process? Do you ever see Jack Nicholson these days? Speaking of Certain Substances, do you ever see Jimi Hendrix these days?

• Were you ever inspired to stand in front of a wall of Marshalls and pull a Jimi? Did you ever get the Purple Haze riff down after he showed it to you?

• Aside from Jimi and the Beatles, what other rock royalty did you meet? How about Jeff Beck? Would you guys sign my #1 Strat?

• You guys are pretty humble in your talk of the Beatles, but they threw a party for you, partied with you, you saw them record, and you outsold them at one point. Do you have any further comment on that? The four kings of EMI are sitting stately on the floor....

• How could anyone drive the Monkeemobile with that huge intake thingie coming out of the hood? Didn't it obstruct the view (or was that the idea)?

• You were (and are) a serious hero to many kids growing up in many generations. I know you were to me. You don't think highly of yourself as a guitar player, but you were very influential. What do you think about that?

• If you could be a lawnmower, what kind of lawnmower would you be?

Thanks so much, Nez. We'll be looking for you on tour with Mickey and solo.

Jimmy Page Reads This

*no he doesn't.



More Faceyspaces Fallout:

In April 2015, Six4Three sued Facebook, claiming that Facebook’s sudden yanking of access rendered both the app and the company itself “worthless.”

They could have saved a lot of time and money by asking me. I knew FB was worthless years ago.  Read 'em and weep.

• The Secret Service is testing facial recognition at the White House. So make sure you put on your happy face when you visit. Also make sure it's the same face as on your drivers license; that's probably got facial recognition built in too.

Canada's 1-800-FLOWERS got eaten by Magecart malware. If you need flowers, dial 1-800-MAGECART or 1-800-WERE-SCREWED.

• Apparently I missed when the Universe started screaming for a(nother) Grinch movie. Since nature abhors a vacuum, Hollywood obliged them. What's this - number 3? I remember laughing when I was a miniscule irritant. Now that I'm a much taller and rounder irritant, I am not amused.

Just when we thought the US couldn't get any sillier in government cybersecurity, we learn Japan's deputy chief of government cybersecurity strategy has never used a computer.  Next week I am starting a new job as US Minister of Dance.

• Just two days after the Starwood/Marriott breach, there are already two class action suits. Never let it be said that our legal system is slow and not helpful.
• One of the suits states that the 'unauthorized sharing' is still going on.

Every now and then interviewers ask interviewees (because it would be stupid to ask their parents) about their guilty pleasures. I don't have any. I do have some interests that people might find.... odd. We know of my Monkees thing. I've also recently discovered The Scorpions. This is proof of my astute observational abilities (the band was formed in 1965). It took me almost as long to realize the gentlemen are from Germany and have a bit of an accent (told you I was fast). "Here we go again, all the weeeee from the stot." It's kinda funny listening to their between song banter. But seriously, listen to a few of their songs. The recording is excellent, the songs well written, and Klaus the Singer has a pretty wide range. Not bad for heavy metal. Check out Still Lovin You, for one.  They don't need me - they've sold over 110 million records, but I won't let either of those facts deter me.

Next month: The Bangles.  Just kidding.

• United Airlines has a new phone app. It doesn't do anything for you, but it uses your phone's processing power to help keep their computer system up. In exchange, they promise not to drag you, kicking and screaming, off their planes.

HEADLINE:  "Golden Globes shatters diversity record: 4 of 10 best picture nominees have non-white directors"

Dad?

Yes, son.

What is a diversity record?

It's a round black thing that makes no noise because no one could agree on which grooves to cut in it.

Is this the stuff Mom told you not to talk to me about?

No, son.

So what is it?

What is what?

What is a diversity record?

Oh, that. It's an imaginary list.

Why?

That's a good question, boy.

Are you going to tell me or do I have to tell Mom about your secretary blowing you up by your nozzle?

I was just getting to it, my little darling. There have been movies forever. Recently a bunch of people got upset because not enough black and other people won any awards.

But doesn't a movie have to be good to win?

That was the theory, yes.

So now it has to be made by the right color or country?

Something like that, yes.

Why?

Hey, how about some ice cream?

Mom says you're disracktin me.

Moms... are a special breed.

If I complain that there aren't enough movies made by kids, will there be more movies made by kids?

No, it doesn't work that way.

Oh, you mean they're exploiting collective guilt.

How do you know about exploiting collective guilt?

I watch MTV.

Oh.

Dad, what was it like before the awards shows got racist?

How do you figure they're racist?

Well, because people are more concerned with putting their race up top than making cool movies.
Son...
Yes, Dad?

Go ask your mom if we had a really smart mailman about ten years ago...

Dear lefty

• reader Steve Steve, who's threatening to go elsewhere, asks why this blog has so much content.
• Dear 'Steve': because your penis is so small.

Tumbler has banned nudity.
Kneejerk response: you can't ban nudity!
lefty kneejerk response: private company, they have that right
lefty from miles above conspiracy kneejerk response: 

Obviously this is yet another Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Ok, a bit dramatic.
Obviously this is another move toward censorship of ideas and consolidation of information, influence, and power. Let's forget about nudity for a moment, as if that were possible. Tumbler states that the topic of bad weather will no longer be permitted. This will stop the common Tumbler user from discussing how bad the weather has become. Meanwhile, Tumbler continues to push out good weather news and their climate change agenda. Now Tumbler users wind up getting their (happy only climate change) weather news from Tumbler. Tumbler has decided what you will read.

You are absolutely free to get your news anywhere else, but numbers show most people won't - they'll stay on Tumbler. Tumbler helps create the narrative, along with other sites that coincidentally just put the same policy in place. You'll have to look harder to find the truth, and it likely won't appear on highly regarded sites.

If I were a Tumblerer, I'd have my words seen by Manglement long ago. Having been overruled, I'd go elsewhere. My Tumbler would contain no nudity, like my blog, but what will they get away with banning after nudity? And let's face it - you don't want to see me naked. This might be why they terminated nudity.

I don't visit Tumbler. I have no direct stake in this, except for the big one: free speech. You have a stake in this too.



Having absolutely no relation to the above, Australia just enacted a draconian spying law, requiring law enforcement back doors in everything. There is simply no excuse for this, even a completely asleep populace. It passed so quickly and with so little debate, it might have been called the Patriot Act. PEOPLE - you need to wake up. This is one of the 5 Eyes nations, that spies on all data worldwide.

Here's an article on Powerful Morons making powerfully moronic statements on encryption and privacy. One of them is probably yours....



It's 1967 and you've been waiting for Cream to release their next album. The first thing you hear is Sunshine of Your Love. Within days, Jimi Hendrix was on the Lulu Show (don't ask). He got through most of Hey Joe, then stopped and dedicated the next song to Eric Clapton, Ginger Baker, and Jack Bruce - Cream. He played Sunshine of Your Love. He also ran way over his time, causing the producers grief. Rock and Roll, Baby!

From my reading, the top musicians were pretty friendly, and frequently went out to see each other. They were flummoxed and really worried by Jimi, including Jeff Beck and Eric Clapton. I wonder what they were thinking when they heard their song coming from a backwards Stratocaster through a Marshall half stack, with this wild man playing. Pride and horror?



Dear lefty

• occasional reader-by-mistake Steve Goldgold (deceased), says he's very funny and would like to write some stuff for ThermionicEmissions
• Dear Vonnegut: send us some samples of your writing. We're out of toilet paper.

The Phone Chain:

Captain Obvious says Phone Stuff has changed a lot over the years.
What changed between voicemail and voicemail with cell phones?

Why do parents go batshit when they call and get voicemail?

Mom calls Wife.
Mom gets her voicemail.
Mom calls landline.
Mom gets other voicemail.
Mom doesn't know I have landline ring once before voicemail.
Neither does Wife.
When Wife reads this, I may not be able to type for a while....
Not satisfied with two voicemails, Mom calls me. At work.

"Hi, I didn't mean to bother you," (then why are you bothering me?) "where is Wife?"
I'm going to take a wild guess and say at home.
"She's not answering her phone."
I'm going to take another wild guess and say she's sleeping.
"Cuz I needed to talk to her."
Would you like me to drive an hour home to check?
"Oh no, that's not necessary. I don't want to bother you at work."
Then why are you bothering me at work? Did you leave a message?
"No"
Ah, you should try leaving a message, so if she finds her phone, she'll know you called.
"How's your day?"
Great, thanks for calling. Love you, Mom.


It's like Panic.

Don't feel bad, Mom.. I can't get her either.
Wife: You're going to the store, ok. I'll keep my phone with me.
Me: Yeah, that'll happen.
Wife: See, I have it.
Me: Yes, but it won't make a difference when I call it.

an hour later, I dial because I need something...

Landline: goes to voicemail
Cell: the owner of this number cannot answer and the voicemail box is full. Up yours. click.
Me: *(#%&@!___@#$#

home

Wife: [snore]
Me: I hate to wake you but WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER THE (*#&@#ING PHONES?
Wife: Ngfffnntp
I could implant a beeper up her butt and there would still be a reason she didn't know I called.

No, she is not deliberately ignoring me; especially when I'm out getting jewelry.

keep your mind on... ummmm.... yes

I Am Satan's Copilot

Why do I go far out of my way and my salary for my dog? Well, he's my dog, isn't he. That aside, he's the only one who pays attention to me when I speak. From the time we got him, in fact. Whenever I say something to him, he stops what he's doing and looks at me. Until I'm done speaking. Married with kids? You know you can't put a price on that.

• Everybody's meh dining spot, Chili's, has suffered the inevitable Data Breach. There's a bunch of words on the link, which comprise the Official Corporate Excuse. Don't believe anything you read, except for the fact that there was a data breach. They can't exactly tell you where, they can't exactly tell you how (although they have a suspicion), they can't exactly tell you who is affected, and they have the when down to a two month period. Until further notice (from them - I have other things to do), watch your card's statements carefully.
• Better yet, don't eat there. I've yet to have a positive experience in many years. One word comes to mind: wait. I've waited way too long when I was one of four people in the entire restaurant.
• This comes on the heels of the Appleby's hack.
• Use cash. Everywhere.

I have a friend (it's true). I was discussing one of my dinner specialties, Kitchen Sink Burgers, named because I put everything but the kitchen sink into them. They're so tasty, you don't need barbecue sauce or ketchup with them. Friend tells me she doesn't eat much ketchup. What kind of Merkun doesn't eat ketchup on way more things than necessary? Well, it has a lot of sugar in it and I'm limiting the sugar I put in my body. I don't want to get fat.

My friend, you're just over five feet tall, weighing about ninety pounds with soaked winter clothes and a large suitcase of a pocketbook. Is the high fructose corn syrup in a glob of ketchup going to make you blow up like one of the people on My 600lb Life? Where do people come up with ideas?

Of course my friend is a woman... I don't really need to tell you this, because you don't hear this from men....

Hey Jim- how bout a couple hot dogs with chili and extra ketchup and some fries?

Nah [sigh], I can't.

Since when can't you eat a coupla dogs and a 64oz soda?

I'm tryin to cut down.

On WHAT?

Fats.

Fats?

Yeah.

What kinda fat is in hot dogs with chili, extra ketchup, and fries?

All of it.

Dude, you told me you flew through your physical like Harvey Weinstein through a crowd of young starlets.

Yeah, I did, but my body is a temple and I have to watch what I put into it.

Jim, you're starting to frighten me. Is that yogurt in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Both.

I don't know about you, but I'm getting some doggies, post haste.

Well, I'm cutting down, so only ONE dog (with chili and extra ketchup and fries). Make it a Diet Coke instead. Gotta watch my calories too. My figure is going to hell.

• Some Google employees have quit the company over its decision to accept a government contract related to military drones. These are some pretty principled ex-employees - they're ridiculously highly paid, with benefits that would make your head spin. Want a massage at work? Free meals? Like riding your skateboard? Very quietly expensing call girls and boys? (I made that up, but....)
• Google was in the news recently, when it was discovered that they instructed HR explicitly to not hire white males. Yes, libertarians believe private companies should not face government intervention. Google also welcomes input and discussion from employees on corporate decisions (unless you're the guy who complained about the hiring policies and sent copies to the press - then you're fired).
• So you have an interesting situation when you have a huge workplace full of people who are fine with only hiring minorities (regardless of competence - that was also discovered), who are encouraged to give their input into corporate decisions. It makes for interesting outcomes. It also makes one wonder where the ex-employees expect to work, what kind of salary they expect, and if they'll demand the right to share their feelings about the decisions.

I read an article on the Nest 'Smart Home' thermostat, which left me scratching my left elbow and somewhat bewildered. According to the article, the thermostat notified some users about a data breach involving their credentials. It advised them not to reuse credentials (login, password).

This is excellent advice and couldn't be more correct.
However, and there's always a however, my internal alarm bells started to ramp up in volume.

Your thermostat. Warned you about your credentials possibly being breached. Suggested not reusing credentials.

Granted, the notice came in an email, but....
Nest spotted your password on a list of breached credentials. Because it's been proactive when it somehow steals your password(s).  Do you hear any distant alarm bells?

Faceyspaces goes out and checks to see if your password is on any lists.
To be accurate, it uses a hash of your password and looks for the same hash on public sites. No, this does not mean these automated systems smoke certain substances before going to the Dark Web. Hashing is the process of taking your password and performing Certain Mathematical Operations on it.

Giving Google the benefit of doubt, even if they are using hashes, how do they know your password? Do you seriously want your Internet of Things thermostat to listen and warn you something's up? And now Google has this on record. Someone's going on Double Secret Probation.


Welcome to the future. I have to run: there's important safety news from my light bulb.

• Guitars have been thought of as phallic objects. My thought for Jackson Guitars: there's a good reason sales aren't what you thought they'd be with the Dinky.

Diet Coke now has Feisty Mango flavor, proving that getting the marketing department drunk is not always a good idea.

• Hey, got one of those Alexas? Researchers in China and the US have demonstrated the ability to send frequencies containing commands to the device. This can happen with frequencies you can hear and that you can't hear. Yes, this is in the research stage, but don't forget: if it can be done, it will.

 Dogs are being trained to sniff out electronics, specifically USB drives. This came in handy when police used the canine to catch a hacker who was changing grades in school. I think a child who set up an official-looking page to get teachers' logins and used that to get into the system should be encouraged, in a professional sense.

The Electronic Freedom Foundation, a needed resource, assures us that the police can't simply enter your house with a dog: there is a warrant process involved and they have to be very specific. I believe the EFF. But we all know what happened with the alleged warrants the NSA needed to spy on Americans. If it can be done, it will.

• How about that Faceyspaces MyPersonality app..  all of that data from 3 million users was left practically in the open for four years.

What have we learned?

• dump Faceyspaces. Now.
• don't play games or fill out surveys with any personal information at all, online or offline, especially on Faceyspaces. Don't even list your favorite color.
• dump Faceyspaces. Now.
• don't agree to share data
• don't trust Faceyspaces - there will be more of this.

A CNN political analyst deleted his tweet that showed Trump in crosshairs. Chris Calizza said it was unintended and the result of a computer program he and his team used.

Funny - the software had absolutely no glitches while Obama was in office.

Readers, I strongly advise you to check all of your software, lest it post pictures of the president that look vaguely threatening.

• We all noticed the big news about the new American Embassy in Jerusalem. There is absolutely no excuse for this. The old one wasn't broken. More of our tax dollars squandered. Don't we have enough problems at home?

Hey - guess where the Pentagon's classified data and nuclear secrets are going to be stored... you got it - the CLOUD! Apparently the Unmanned Aerial Vehicle that hit the Pentagon on 9-11 did more damage than we thought.

• A survey finds that a quarter of Americans spend all day inside, inaugurating the term "indoor generation." As usual, I was ahead of the trend by years and years.

In society and television's Race to the Bottom, there's a new show called Extreme Cheapskates. It profiles someone, usually of means, who is... extremely cheap. They proudly proclaim it, because this is their fifteen minutes. Perhaps they can combine this with Extreme Couponers, who buy multiple carts of things and pay almost nothing. I'm waiting for Extreme Assholes, which is already partially covered in the current dumpster fire of shows. I shouldn't tell you this because of a non-disclosure agreement, but I'm in meetings with the people from Extreme Sarcasm. Like I care. Keep it to yourself, please.

• During shows, Jimi Hendrix would wreak havoc upon his equipment, especially his Marshall amplifiers, which were as tall as he was. He would approach one and start humping it, then launch himself or a guitar at the speakers. Imagine being the poor S.O.B. who had to stand behind the amplifier and hold it up while Jimi was doing his best to impregnate the other side. What did this person put on his resume? Amp Condom? Humper Stopper? Amp Support Specialist (ASS)?
• I never saw him but I miss him. He was so far ahead of his time that it boggles the mind to think of what he'd be doing today.

So there's a royal wedding coming up. One of the Royal Bastards is marrying a Merkun.  Apparently this is a Royal No-No and many Brits are not going to bother watching. I can tell you this Merkun will also not be watching. Not out of protest - because I have an appointment to chew razor blades that morning.

Remember a really nice lady called Diana, who was also not of royal blood?

woah - that's a little too far outside for me

PTSD from Something That Never Happened

Remember the Grammys? I don't, largely because I don't watch them. It's been way too frustrating for a long long time... have you heard what wins them? Apparently Adele won something over Beyonce. CNN and others have said this is due to racism.

Racism.

The sheer stupidity of this is immeasurable.

But then again, when you think of it, they might have a point.

After all, Jimi Hendrix is dead. If that doesn't prove racism, nothing does.

• In a move no one saw coming, Greatest Leader Kim Jong-un's half-brother, Kim Jong-nam (no relation to Viet-nam), heir apparent to the throne, has died. Or rather, had help dying, in Malaysia. He upset South Korea a few times in the past and Kim Jong-un apparently hasn't forgotten. The dude is hardcore - assassinating his own brother.

If you tap the buttons too fast on a Volkswagen's touchscreen, you can crash the display. This was a cut-and-paste error that fell into place when they put in the program that 'hid' the small emissions cheat that cost them more than the collective salaries of small countries. Or something.

• I experienced several of the most frustrating days ever at my workplace this week. I don't know how to accurately describe it, so here's a timeline:
• DAY 1
• a device was installed and misconfigured.
• I was called to reconfigure it
• Office 1 ordered the job for Office 2 (mine)
• spent an entire day trying to get adapters and cables for the job, ultimately failing, due to lack of hardware and inability to install software because the computer is rightfully locked down for security reasons.
• Office 1 overnights the correct adapter, which should exist everywhere.
• Day 2
• I wait for the adapter to be delivered
• [11:30] adapter delivered
• [11:35] adapter plugged in
• [11:40] located driver software for adapter (that I am not allowed to install)
• [11:45] open chat window with Helpdesk Dude to install software. He's not at his desk.
• [12:15] open chat window with second Helpdesk Dude, who is also not at his desk. I firmly believe that Helpdesk Dudes have a special program that tells everyone they're not at their desk or busy when they call, by default, so no one will ask them to do anything or yell at them because they can't do their work until they get some assistance.
• [1:00] Helpdesk Dude 1 is back at his desk and ignoring me, per departmental mandate
• [1:15] Helpdesk Dude 2 is back at his desk, but whoops... he's away again
• [2:00] I emailed Office 1 to let them know I'm still sitting there, waiting for help. He does something very interesting (and possibly illegal) to Helpdesk Dude 1, who is suddenly very anxious to help me out and apologizes for not getting to me hours earlier.
• [2:03] adapter is ready to go
• [2:05] configure software: the directions for idiots is made for different idiots and covers the wrong version of the software. I have to feel my way around to configure it.
• [2:15] Long trek to the device to be configured. Plug in - connect first time! Fail to log in. Fail to log in again. Call Office 1 - oops.. they changed the password. No, they can't tell me - they have to email. And I have to run back to the desk to get the email.
• [2:25] Log into device. Fail again. Call Office 1 again - they suggest capitalizing some letters and changing some numbers. POOF - I'm in [cue angels singing over heavenly music].
• [2:27] Device configured and tested! The entire operation was for these two minutes. That's it.
• [2:30] Get call from Office 1: did I configure it correctly - they can't see it. Why yes, I did. And I tested it. Guess I'll have to go back to it again.
• [2:35] Device remains configured properly. Call Office 1, who says to check with someone/anyone to make sure settings he gave me are correct. I stand up and my shoelace spontaneously unties itself, like a tiny explosion at my foot.
• [2:40] Find someone/anyone, who indicates everything is correct.
• [2:45] Back at device, look carefully and discover that the device was never correctly plugged into the network. Someone/anyone indicates he needs correct paperwork to get the device plugged in correctly.
• [2:50] Office 1 indicates that the paperwork was submitted a while ago and to forward this information to someone/anyone. Emailed this information, with a request to let me know when it's correctly plugged in.
• [One day later] I have not received confirmation that the device was plugged in correctly, per yesterday's email. My eyeballs start looking at each other and my stomach sends out Morse Code to Office 1.
• This is Work. This happens every time I need to get something done. It's like the Army, but worse. It's a small wonder I don't develop symptoms of Postal Worker Rage and mow down my coworkers. Due to the sounds of silence and snoring, most might not realize it.

Japanese game arcades now feature gamified urinals. Isn't that nice? You don't have to give up on that stream of endorphins and adrenaline when you are forced to leave your seat to pee. This is why the Japanese won the war...

• Wow.. a guy in a Tesla observed a Volkswagen Passat swerving all over the place on the Autobahn. After the car bounced off the guardrail a few times, he noticed the driver was unconscious. He pulls his Tesla in front of the Passat, allows the VW to tap his bumper, and manages to pull both cars to a stop. This man defines "hero".
• Elon Musk, Tesla inventor, steps up to say that all repairs on the Tesla will be free and expedited. It was a good day all around. Hopefully the Passat driver is ok.

Happy Hendrix Holiday

Every day is a Hendrix day but November 27 is Jimi's birthday.  Many Happys, Jimi.

• San Francisco's Municipal Railway system was hit by a ransomware attack. This allowed the passengers to ride free, as the ticket system was down. Insert joke about malware not always being bad. The hackers demanded $73,000. The Railway folks vow not to pay ransom. From my reading, they might want to tighten up the system in one or 1,000 places.
• Just in - in a Monty Python-esque bit of news, the hacker was hacked. Yes, the fine gentleman responsible for the Muni ransomware hack had his email address hacked by a security researcher. How? He guessed the security question, allowing him to reset the password on the email account. Let that be a lesson to you, whatever that means. Oh yeah, strong account security, on everything including throwaway email accounts.

2016 hasn't been too good a year, what with the election nonsense, musicians and others dying, and over 900 recorded security breaches. And those are the recorded ones. Not counted are the hushed and the as-yet-undiscovered ones. There are two types of businesses: the types who have been hacked and the types that don't know they've been hacked. Read the link or just take my word for it. Pass the tissues, please.

• if you have any sort of iCloud account and are receiving calendar or sharing spam, do not reply or decline. If you do, the account will be flagged as live and you'll get more spam. 

Over in the UK, vegetarians and vegans have discovered that the five pound notes are made with a substance derived from animal fat. My singular (identified) vegan reader is going to be glad they fled the UK. How do I know I have a vegan reader? These Google blogger controls are very sophisticated.

• Russia is a funny place. A holocaust-themed ice dance is drawing condemnation. Hmm... ice... probably not Springtime for Hitler then... Hitler on Ice? That's Not my Nazi? Six Million Jews Can't be Wrong?

A giant shield built to cover the damaged nuclear reactor in Chernobyl has been moved into place.  In other news, the Kremlin has announced that Lenin's death certificate has been filed.

• If you're thinking about a night out in Brussels, be aware of a Dancing Tax. Yes, a tax on dancing. And by all means, do NOT go to the bathroom.

Are you, by chance, a Canadian who was caught drunk driving? Those wacky Canuck lawmakers have a punishment for you.. worse than death.. you may be forced to listen to Nickelback. I thought this was against the Geneva Convention but what do I know...

• Who's got time to watch the 37 Harry Potter films? Watch this shortcut instead.

Today's Helpful Tip: How to stop feeling guilty about everything.

* Shoot yourself.

Next week: World Peace

If you're looking for somewhat less deadly suggestions, although I can't imagine why, try here.

• Equality strikes again! Congress, bastion of rationality, has taken women being required to sign up for the draft off the table. Oddly enough, no feminists demanding equality has complained about this. Equality means equality in everything. Or rather, equality when it suits them.
• Having said that, I don't think men should register either.

If you use Firefox through Tor, turn off javascript (like we do anyway) or use another browser until a patch is released. This is for Windows only. Try using the NoScript addin.

• The New York Times asks the question: Can tv be fair to Muslims? ThermionicEmissions answers: not til long after they're fair to the left-handed.

The FDA has agreed to Ecstasy trials for PTSD patients. It's an exciting time for those with PTSD. And before you ask, you can't just go out and get some PTSD. You can sign up to serve in Afghanistan but I don't recommend it.

• An Australian man handed over a breast implant to police, thinking it was evidence of a crime. The 'evidence' was revealed to be a jellyfish. Australian breast implant manufacturers call foul and demand jellyfish alter their appearance to look less like implants.

Hillary Clinton presented a humanitarian award to Katy Perry the other night. Dubbed 'The Axis of Incompetence Tour,' no one can figure out why. A failed politician known for corruption and lying, presenting an award to a singer known for her breasts.

• President-elect Donald 'Me' Trump has announced he is cutting ties with his businesses to focus on running the country, leaving them to his children. Ivanka is excited, hoping for a salary rivaling Chelsea Clinton's.

To no one's surprise, Marshall the cocker is running the house, to an unprecedented degree. He used to bark to go outside. Now he makes a pitiful whining noise. Having discovered whining works, he is now doing a full scale study on Human Behavioral Patterns and whining most of the time, just to see how many times he can make the humans do things until they start refusing. By 9:15am, he has gotten fed twice, been served cold bottled water, and gone outside four times. He counts the experiment as a success and it will be peer-reviewed and written up in Dog Psychology magazine. The humans, out of their minds from constantly being bossed around by a quadruped, are looking into a doggie door, which will not work, due to other quadrupeds possibly using it.

Wouldn't You Like to be a Pecker Too

I don't want to say there's something fundementally wrong with this country, but there's something fundamentally wrong with this country. A bunch of illegal aliens, accompanied by a mariachi band, just protested outside of the Supreme Court for amnesty. I'm trying to imagine a bunch of murderers marching around the Kremlin for amnesty. Or bombers marching around the Knesset for amnesty.

This one goes way off the Stupid Meter<tm>.
It has become so prevalent that it can no longer be considered chance - this is on purpose. Allowed to happen.

• As we know, I vote libertarian. Here's an interview with Gary Johnson, my candidate for president. Read it or not - this is just some info. With the current election environment, we libertarians don't sound so crazy after all.

It's looking more like the hidden 28 pages of the 9/11 reports may be released (over the objections of the White House and Paul Ryan). I predict that these pages will detail the Saudi involvement in financing but not the rest of the criminal activity (see Cheney, Dick). Rest assured, if this is being released, it doesn't contain the juicy bits (just like ufo 'releases').

• Prince William (R-UK) says he takes his royal duty seriously. Nobody knows entirely what his duty is, but the denizens of the UK can rest assured that he takes it seriously. The top of my single British reader's head just exploded. Thus far, his duty seems to consist largely of shaking hands, marrying an attractive woman (to great fanfare), and producing offspring. The cheekiest of Brits would say that Clive Public could fulfill these duties with aplomb (or an orange, if you'd rather) but we're neither cheeky nor British here. In fact, this paragraph might cause the first UK attack on the US in history.

Bill Cosby's wife, Camille, has finished giving her evidence in a defamation case filed by seven women accusing the comedian of sexual assault. "I was not there. He certainly never drugged ME. I am a kitchen table."

• Utah has declared porn to be a public health risk. This is the state with the most traffic to porn sites in the US. Oddly enough, all of the sponsors are folks with Magic Underwear (Mormons). If it were truly magic, it would save them from the scourge of pornography. 

Bad Day Dept: How'd you like to be the child whose mom confesses to the dad that after 15 years, he is someone else's child?

• At the 1967 Monterey Pop Festival there was a disagreement between the Who and Jimi Hendrix because the Who rightfully did not want to follow Hendrix.

Warning or request?

Transvaginal Mesh

McDonalds salads have more calories than their Big Mac. What did I tell you about rabbit food?

• Coldplay is honored to play at the Superbowl but they 'know nothing about football'  Or music.

RIP Edgar Mitchell (85), Apollo 14, 6th man to walk on the moon. Lived a very interesting and productive life post-moon.

• A Temple University professor has stated that listing gender on official forms is nonsensical. I dunno - have you seen some of their students?

I just heard someone say 'Awesome Sauce'. When I'm president, that phrase will get you 6 years in jail.

• And speaking of the death penalty, if I hear the words Superbowl, Coldplay, Beyonce, halftime, or commercials....

Today in Upside Down World, a Chicago cop is suing the family of a teenager he fatally shot for $10 million, claiming emotional distress. You simply cannot make this shit up.

Continuing the theme, California has issued 605,000 drivers licenses to illegal aliens. Somebody has an agenda here but I'm not smart enough to figure out what it is.

In case you missed hearing about the University of Missouri, the VP of the students association is tired of the  First Amendment because it's creating a "hostile" and "unsafe" environment.

• A frozen lake used as a parking lot at the annual Winter Fest in Wisconsin melts, sending cars plunging into the water.  Hmmm.. parking on ice over a lake... weather forecast... who could have seen this coming?

Nanny State New York Mayor Bill de Blasio unveiled new regulations for crane safety in the wake of the recent crane collapse.  You know, try not to fall over and kill people. 

• Bored in London? Stop by Jimi Hendrix's apartment. The decor is a bit reconstructed by his former girlfriend, Kathy Etchingham, but it's history. Handel lived there too, sorta. There's a great story about Jimi giving tours to lovers of Handel. CORRECTION: Jimi died from sleeping pills, not the generic 'drug overdose'.

Gwyneth Paltrow is taking the stand in the case against her seventeen-year long stalker. He must not be much of a stalker if this has gone on for seventeen years. Perhaps prison will provide some remedial stalking lessons for him.

• HEADLINE OF THE WEEK: Mutant sperm-factories spread in men's testicles as they age to increase the risk of children with genetic diseases, researchers have shown.

A man has been arrested for lobbing a three foot alligator through a fast food drive-in window. He should not be punished-he should be rewarded. Every one of us, at some point, has wanted to throw a live alligator through a fast food window, haven't we?

Speaking of which, Chipotle will close their restaurant if anyone barfs. This will prove quite problematic should McDonalds adopt the same policy.

• A migrant headed to Spain managed to hide himself, strapped into a car's rear bumper. For some unknown reason, he got nabbed. That had to be a hell of a ride.

It's a very interesting time to be alive, at least for us Little People. The Powers That Be (PTB) have a more difficult time putting things over on us due to the near instant communication available these days. If it weren't a problem, countries wouldn't be rushing to censor or stop the Net. Anything large happening tends to appear online for monitoring.

There are a few mobile apps for monitoring police/fire scanners from all over the world, the best being Scanner Radio (free for android, not sure about others). From home, you can monitor all this at broadcastify.com (where the mobile feeds come from). Reddit (.com) has live feeds for large events. 

Twitter may be the fastest and most complete, yet overloading and frustrating. You can set up a search for whatever you want, in real time. Last night I monitored the situation with the group occupying the bird sanctuary in Oregon, on Twitter. So much info that I couldn't read it as it zipped by onscreen. Youtube carried audio being broadcast from inside the building on many different channels. The FBI had surrounded the building and was demanding their surrender, using all sorts of obvious tactics. I have no doubt that the situation would have turned out differently (READ: ugly) if they weren't livestreaming from inside the building.

This is a tremendous step up from days we relied upon mass media for our (quite biased) information (regardless of how we feel or the legality of the event). Perhaps the internet should get a Nobel Peace Prize, as opposed to warlike presidents.

• Regardless of how you feel about him, Bernie Sanders could potentially be the first Jewish president. Think of the implications... remember the shit-storm when Kennedy was the first Catholic?
• Hanukkah would be a national holiday with eight days off
• Only kosher hot dogs will be served at stadiums
• No more bacon cheeseburgers
• Two sets of dishes at the White House
• Weekly bombing of Iran.
• Anti Defamation League will make up his Cabinet (and drawers)
• Everyone entering the White House will have to wear a beanie, but we'll call it a Bernie
• All press conferences to begin with "Oy vay"
• Contracts will be negotiated for wholesale pricing only
• All disputes solved by using guilt

More than 100 schools have been closed in Bangalore due to sightings of leopards. And here in PA/US, schools close after a forecast of 1/2" snow.

• Noted without comment: How to file your 2015 taxes for free.

Chris Squire

The world lost one of its best bass players, Chris Squire, on June 27, 2015.

Chris was the bass player for Yes from 1968-2015.  It was announced that this would be the first tour for Yes without Chris, as he needed to undergo treatment for acute erythroid leukemia. Unfortunately Chris died at his Phoenix, Arizona home.

The band is going on tour with Toto.


If you had told me twenty years ago that Yes would be touring with Toto, I would have told you to seek professional help and I had some tickets to sell you for the Monkees' 50th Anniversary tour, with special guest, Jimi Hendrix.

Hold Onto Your Ankles, it's Healthcare Time

I started my job a while back but just became eligible for benefits. This is stupid, as employers can grant benefits at any point. I have been delaying signing up because I didn't want to look at the coverage and costs.
It was worse than I thought.

WHAT?

The recruiter who got me hired gave me a benefits package, indicating that the least expensive insurance came with a two thousand dollar deductible.  Yes, you read that right - a two thousand dollar deductible! Sheer lunacy.  And this was the least expensive plan.

After further research, I realized that the recruiter gave me old information: the deductible was fifty five hundred dollars.  This is, quite frankly, not insurance.  It's catastrophic coverage for the price of very expensive health insurance. To back up a bit, health insurance used to cover hospitalization; you paid cash for doctors. When insurance expanded to cover doctors, rates went through the roof. As rates continued to skyrocket, HMOs were introduced. These promised to lower the cost of healthcare. They failed miserably.

Healthcare, to be truthful, is broken beyond repair.

WHO?

Some of our politicians decided to 'help' fix healthcare. This is never a good idea, yet the current occupant of the White House shoved his plan through. And he touted himself a hero.

And he IS a hero, to the two groups that benefit: the poor and the insurance industry, who won big on this gamble with our money. The poor get insurance, with a financial assist.  Who does the assist come from? Healthier people, who need less services, and people who make more than the poor, whose premiums are jacked up through the ceiling and have outrageous deductibles. The insurers benefit because everyone is required to purchase insurance (thank you Supreme Court) and the government is now the enforcement arm of the insurance industry.

Government has no place in healthcare, especially if it involves fixing things. I only have to point to Medicare, Social Security and Medicaid to make my point. Do you want these people involved with your healthcare? Look at socialized medicine in England and Canada - it's a mess there too. We shouldn't have to choose between messes.

In the end, Obama et al have not fixed the system: they've tacked premiums onto the mess. If he were truly interested in a fix, he'd have fixed the system, not created a new mess. But we know where his interests were. We also know that the insurance companies drafted the law.

I have a decent job, thankfully.  Unfortunately, a huge percentage of my income goes to healthcare already, for my wife. This is also due to the insurance nightmare, plus the same group of thieves who messed with insurance earlier and raised rates and screwed Medicare recipients via their Donut Hole, wherein insurance doesn't have to cover much medicine after a certain amount, no matter how sick the insured.  So we can add my wife's premiums and payments and non-covered items to my healthcare coverage, which turns out to be four hundred dollars per month, plus the aforementioned fifty five hundred dollar deductible.

The number one cause of bankruptcy is medical expenses. Fix THAT, Obama (and puppetmasters).


------------------------------------

There is simply no way to top that, so I'll just throw in a few Mental Health Musings:

• I’m depressed and dyslexic: it takes me forever to get out of deb.
• I long for the good old days, when bipolar disorder was manic depression.
• My wife has multiple personalities: they all hate me.
• My brother is a healthy depressed schizophrenic: the voices are too tired to speak to him.
• My other brother is a drunk schizophrenic: his voices just slur and tell him they love him, man.

MUSIC MAN SAYS...

My first guitar idol was the Ultimate Lefty: Jimi Hendrix. Jimi occupies a special place in my heart. He died in 1970, way too soon and way too early for me to have seen him live. The man practically invented rock guitar, no small feat. He also put Marshall amplifiers on the map (oh, is that why you named your dog Marshall?). We still have not caught up to Jimi.

There is no way to pick one great Jimi song, so I'll give you one of my favorites: Manic Depression. This song never fails to get me going - it should do the same to you, with it's catchy hook, great rhythm and a drumbeat that tends to confuse drummers.

There are precious few songs that reach down into me and make the hair on my neck stand at attention. This is one - Jimi's version of the Star Spangled Banner at Woodstock. No one had ever made those noises with a guitar before. Or since (I can do a poor impersonation).