Mr. Nesmith, so nice to see you.
You too, lefty. Call me Mike.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Neshmooth.
I take it you saw the show.
I don't want to say I was a fan, but I've seen every episode almost as many times as Monty Python episodes.
That's a lot. Wow, man.
We're nothing if not truthful. We also don't understand why sometimes we speak in the plural. It's more appropriate for Mrs. lefty, but we're nothing if not hungry. Have you eaten?
No, man, I'm dead. Does wonders for the appetite.
By comparison, your accent stands out a bit from your bandmates'.
Yeah, it took 6 months to learn. Normally I sound like John F. Kennedy, but the writers didn't think it was as funny as Texas. Y'all.
So how's death treating you?
Decent, thanks for asking. Not having to breathe takes a lot of stress off.
What kinds of stuff do you do?
Pretty much anything I want to.
Are there lots of guitars?
If you want.
Groupies?
To your specifications.
Do you ever get bored?
I kinda like it, actually. I was getting tired of the life thing. The fame was a drag sometimes, even after I stopped wearing the hat and started going bald.
That was ironic.
You're telling me.
Another of my deceased heroes is Frank Zappa, who appeared in a tv episode and your movie, Head. Have you seen him since?
Oh yeah, Frank was a bit put out to discover what things are like in the afterlife. He knew there was no God, but he wasn't expecting the No Smoking signs. The guy smoked like a city block full of chimneys.
Do you jam?
Seriously, man, have you ever tried to play his stuff? I'd have a better chance of coming back to life and doing it all over again as myself.
Well, yes, there is that. Maybe you can write with him.
Funny - we're working on a Death Opera. It's called "We'll never get this played." It sounds just like his other songs, but this time there's no chance at all of it ever happening. I hear some of his fans have demo tapes of it.
How did the movie company take to 'Head'?
They weren't thrilled at first.We pointed out that we had several other titles we put aside: Blow Job, Vagina, Cunnilingus, and anal. They decided Head was good after all. I actually liked Cunnilingus - it sounds Roman. "I, Cunnilingus, come to give pleasure to the women of Rome." The studio wives liked it too.
Speaking of hats, where did yours come from?
Funny story... the weather has always been a little weird in Texas. One day it was really cold and, check this out, I put it on my head and went outside. Since then, it's kinda been my thing.
Yeah, about that.... I went to buy one on your final tour and it was a truly sad experience. First, it wasn't even close to the color... it was more blue than green. Second, it didn't have 6 buttons on it. I felt kinda put out.
Those bastards! Our marketing department was... shall we say... chemically disabled. Or just plain stupid. We think both: one led to the other. You shoulda seen some of the crap they sold on tour. The keychains had our name spelled wrong, the t-shirts were printed by wallabees (and not the bright wallabees), and the coffee mugs had holes in them. Sometimes we'd sneak offstage to see what kind of trash they were selling to our fans. It was shameful. As a result, some weekends I haunt them, just for fun. Sometimes I put the bumper stickers over their faces while they sleep. Then I come back when they wake up. It never gets old. It has also improved the quality of everyone's merchandise too. Except ours. Don't piss off the dead.
As you know, I play the guitar, so it would be morally wrong not to go there. What were your favorite guitars and how many did you play or just have?
How the hell should I know?
Sorry, I can't help you there.
There was the main guitar - a Gretsch 12 string electric, that was used for many things when we started playing our own instruments. That was the source of a few loud disagreements.
Yes, the studio still has the holes in the wall. I saw a picture of you with a black, 3 pickup Les Paul.
Really?
Yes, you were playing live, as a guest with a variation of the Monkees.
Oh yeah, Blackie. Old Blackie - I almost forgot about her. Damn thing weighed 45lbs. I had no idea Gibsons were that heavy.
Gibson is actually drilling holes in some bodies for weight relief.
So, like, instead of 45lbs, they're only 25lbs?
37, but who's counting. What did you use for amps?
Whatever was standing behind me. Since I'm from Texas, it had to be BIG. I think some idiot plugged me into an Acoustic p.a. once. He kinda limped out of the stadium and never worked in the business again. Since I'm tall, I wound up with a Marshall. I saw Jimi use them and thought maybe if I used one, I'd get some of his talent. Turns out it didn't work that way. Man, that guy was on fire - and this was before he set his guitars on fire. Many people think it was a publicity stunt. He set it on fire because the stupid Strat wouldn't stay in tune after he was done abusing the whammy bar. There aren't any pictures, but Leo Fender, Floyd Rose, and Ann Margaret used to visit him backstage, to help with his... problems. Leo didn't get the whammy bar issue fixed til long after Jimi was dead. Jimi was pretty good to me when I arrived here. It was like the old days again. We even had the Plaster Casters here, taking molds of our penises. I have no idea whether or not they're different from the ones they made when we were alive, but I don't care enough to check.
Fender eventually bought Gretsch. And just about every instrument company they could. What would you think of a Nesmith model 12 string electric, as well as a red Monkees reissue? I hear the posthumous reissues do the best.
I think it would be nice, and would sell approximately 4 units, most to my family. I'd never see a dime from it. They used the same accounting system as the record companies, who are still sending representatives up here, claiming I owe them money. We just tell them to go to hell, and they head right back down.
I've looked for a long time and can't find either left handed. Do you think you could put in a word for me?
What kind of a (dead) person would I be if I didn't honor my host? The Dead have a special way of getting stuff. And I don't mean the Grateful Dead, although Garcia's around here somewhere. If you see him, please don't tell him he's dead. He doesn't know yet.
Tell me about the groupies. Who got the best and the most?
Well, the singer is always going to do the best - think about it... would John Bonham get a better selection than Robert Plant? So Davy and Mickey got quality, Peter and I got quantity.
I heard that you really hated Peter.
He's around here somewhere - you can ask him. He doesn't come by often, after I threatened to kill him all over again.
Cancer is a bitch, especially more than once. Speaking of cancer, did you have any kind of dementia or Alzheimer's going on? I know it's a weird question, but you being dead and all....
You caught that. Yeah, it was a real exercise to get me onstage and to behave by the last few concerts. By the end, I tended to wander around the stage. It didn't seem to bother anybody. They all commented that my playing improved quite a bit since I forgot how to play.
Who were some fans we wouldn't think were fans?
Elvis was a big fan, as was President Nixon, Tiny Tim, and Spiro Agnew. We liked Agnew, but only for his name; he was never allowed backstage. Led Zeppelin was very kind to us, showing us the fine art of trashing hotel rooms. Peter Grant, their manager, was the Big Man on Campus. In fact, he was the Big Man Anywhere - he was a big man. He taught us how to stand up for ourselves and the precise place to knee promoters in the nuts if they didn't pay us the agreed-upon fee. Tiny Tim actually auditioned for what would become my role, but they didn't hire him because he was too much of a heartthrob, and that was Davy's character.
What did the groupies wear?
All sorts of things. Some wore very little. It seemed the amount of skin shown was inversely proportional to their attractiveness.
There is something about your song Joanne that really gets to me.
Yeah, we put a lot of Studio Mojo into it so people couldn't help but feel that way.
Wow, that's some technology. Why didn't we ever hear about it?
Because the tv people co-opted it and it's used on every program and commercial ever made.
Englebert Humperdink told tales of incredible things thrown onstage when he performed: room keys, bras, notes with phone numbers, carburetors... Zappa made a quilt of underwear thrown onstage. What did they throw at you guys?
The usual: peanuts, Hendrix t-shirts, $5 sodas, you gotta understand, it was a different time. Things changed over the years too... after a while, they'd throw false teeth, wheelchairs, various medicines, but not the good kind, and the odd horse. Davy loved horses. In fact he's out riding now - I'll see if he can come by.
Did you ever drive the Monkeemobile?
Oh no, we weren't permitted. The insurance company said we were only to be inside of it, and away from the wheel at all times. To be honest, nobody could drive it: that damn chrome blower thing blocked the entire windshield. We had to drive with our heads out the window, which was hell when it rained.
Was life really a huge herd of groupies chasing you guys while you pushed a bed down the street in your pajamas?
Nah, that was Hollywood. They were prop pajamas we wore, while pushing a bed down the street, being chased by a huge herd of groupies. It was a very difficult scene to film. Eventually the director explained we weren't supposed to let the groupies catch us. It only took one more take after that.
What were your first concerts like?
I dunno. Don't get me wrong.. I was there, but the screaming was so loud, we could have been performing opera and no one would have known. This was before monitors, so we were clueless. Sometimes we found out we were playing different songs at the same time, but nobody noticed. Things got a lot better when we could hear ourselves, except for the fact that we could hear ourselves. It took some adjustment. Mickey was a born performer. He wanted us to set the show up like Vaudeville. The only problem was that the 3 of us didn't know what Vaudeville was. We discovered that no matter what we did the audience went insane. Eventually boredom got to us and we started to experiment.
With your music?
With the stuff we did onstage. We'd each try to one-up the others, to see how much we could get away with onstage, without actually playing any songs. Peter eventually won when he dropped trou and took a dump onstage. That's why Peter's the intellectual of the group. The audience was out of its collective mind. I think there were 5 heart attacks, 27 fainting, and 127 cases of Spontaneous Shitting. We tipped the cleanup guys heavily after that. Little did we know this would turn out to be a huge thing in rock and roll, especially with that Springsteen. He dropped trou too, but never completed the act. That explains why he always sounds constipated when he sings. Don't tell anybody.
No problem, I don't have that kind of readership. If I can get her attention, Mrs. lefty might read this. There are a few other loyal readers, mostly from foreign countries. They tell me that's what accounts for my very weird statistics. People typically come by, spend a lot of time looking around, then never come back again. They say this doesn't happen with any other blog.
Maybe it's because you have imaginary interviews, sometimes with dead people.
Excellent point, Mike. When I was tiny, I used to watch your show. I was a fan at 6. I never thought I'd be sitting here, chatting with you.
Aw, you make me feel old.
So long as I don't make you feel dead, I guess that's a good thing. Was Davy as short as he appeared to be on tv, or does tv add 3" to you?
Funny you ask... the producers tried everything they could and used all the studio trickery available, and Davy would only appear short on tv. In real life he was 6'7". They even tried lifts in his shoes, which he'd constantly fall off of. It was great schtick, but got tired after the first few hundred times he fell.
Did groupie 'technique' improve over the years?
I'm here to tell you that quality tended to win out. Either that or the good ones had more patience. Actually it was just penicillin combined with the Pill. It's a shame that our technique tended to wane over the years, although I'm not sure the girls knew... The only thing I really hated was afterwards, when they'd ask me which one I was. If I couldn't get it up, I'd tell them I was Peter.
You guys were quite a close-knit happy family.
Right up until we discovered automatic weapons. Chicago was the end of it, when the police, SWAT, the National Guard, and the Navy had to be brought in to stop us shootin each other up. That was the start of the Monkees without having 4 of us in the band.
Listen to the Band?
More like listen to parts of the band, not equaling the whole.
What band was your secret pleasure? What band did you want to join if you could?
I know I'll regret this, but I really liked Donny and Marie Osmond. I used to listen to them backstage, to warm up for our shows.
I wasn't expecting that one.
Nobody was. How do you think I made it through a tv show and years of touring? Today when I see a weight Watchers commercial with Marie, I still get a chubby. I mean, have you seen her?
I wasn't expecting that one.
As for bands I wanted to join... well... obviously the Osmonds. It would have made me the happiest rock star in the world to perform for them, to back them up, all the while being able to see Marie's butt all night. But I could only get lucky once in a lifetime, so I had to be happy with the Monkees. I did want to join Led Zeppelin, but it came down to Page and me. Page won because he could smoke while he was playing. And he could do more heroin than me without blinking. Ozzy Osbourne said my hair was too wild. Jimi and I were talking about something, but he said I was too white. What does that mean? I wrote a bit for Paul Anka, Marvin Hamlisch, and Dead Leppard. Like everybody else, I fell in love with Judy Blue Eyes, but Graham Nash never forgave me.
Didn't you have any addictions?
I was kinda fond of tobacco.
Chewing?
Snorting.
Oh.
After things wound down, I didn't know what to do with myself, so I stopped my solo career and spent a few years in a White-Out induced fog. But I haven't had a snort in 33 years [applause].
What was it like having your son in the band?
That bastard?
Never mind. What was the groupie situation as time went on.
Well, things kinda dried up. Some wouldn't throw themselves at me until I put the hat on. Those were bad times.
One thing sticks with me: you and Zappa had this look about you.... you were the smartest people in the room.
That's cause we were.
And you looked like you didn't suffer fools gladly.
That's cause we didn't.
Jimi said, "Flotation is groovy." Was he right?
Oh, maaan, Jimi was always right, even if he didn't know what he was saying. The man was a genius. A troubled genius, who took a lot of drugs. I can't imagine playing guitar on that many drugs. But he was the best...
Mike, thanks for coming by. Or for coming back. Or something. It's good to hear about you in your voice. Sorta.
Thank you, lefty. I feel better getting some of it out.
Stay tuned for the next interview, with... ummmm... the next interviewee.
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