Creamy Furniture

Your love is like  frog in a blender  (the technical term for guacamole)

Tip

Friends don't ask friends to do anything with friends' wives' butts

Today I identify as  your ex and the government: I'm going to double fsck you.

The worst has come... we have to move.

It's not financial. The house is still standing. Nothing has changed.

Somebody just bought a Tesla.

We can no longer get fire insurance and are afraid for the house. And the dog. And the block.

The fire trucks are doing proactive patrols, for the first time since they were established in 1899.

I want to talk to the new Tesla owner but they already think I'm a few horses short of a stable.

Black holes may be swallowing invisible matter that slows the movement of stars

Al Gore blames global warming.

In a first, renewables beat coal in the US power sector in 2022

Al Gore blames black holes.

Another school shooting.

Another volley of calls for 'gun safety,' including from President Giveaway.

The shooter left notes. She/he (yes, there is gender identity involved) wanted to die.

Rather than another attack on the 2nd Amendment, we need to teach something useful in school: if you feel like dying, shoot yourself first. Nobody else gets hurt and you get what you want. Suicide by Cop is messy and someone can get hurt (other than the shooter). 

Oh yeah, you can also get mental health help, which is actually a better idea. Nobody needs to die, including you.

I went to work with a clean shirt. It now has tomato sauce stains. I haven't eaten any tomato sauce today.

Can someone explain this to me? Aliens?

• Bob Dylan said the definitive version of All Along the Watchtower was Hendrix's. I hope Jimi heard that - he was a huge Dylan fan.
• Jimi was here... in my area. Long before I knew who he was or could understand what he was doing, and before I played the guitar. Before I was born. Because playing guitar in the womb would have made things even more difficult for my mother. In any case, go to sugarmegs.org and you'll find all sorts of concerts of all sorts of quality of all sorts of bands. Even if you weren't born yet.
• Jimi and Buddy Miles singing "We got to live together."  It was a different time. Problem hasn't changed.

Conversations with my Dog 

Me: Were you eating your own food this morning?

Her: Dammit, I didn't think you would catch me. I figured I'd let it sit til tonight, then you'd throw in some tuna or cold cuts, to get me to eat.

Me: But I caught you.

Her: Yes you did. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

I hate being an unwitting parent.

Some of the kids are non-verbal and I'm supposed to know, or be able to figure out, what they're 'saying.' They gesticulate and I can see how sincere they are in getting their point across. I don't know if they don't know I can't understand. Sometimes they draw. Other times they ask someone else to 'interpret.'

There are many reasons we chose not to have kids; all good. In fact, my contraception is paid up through 2025, by concerned citizens and neighbors.

I love my dog.

• He spoke 2 languages. Frequently at the same time.

anpther sch

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Your Government at Work 

US military needs 7th branch just for cyber, current and former leaders say

We haven't had a new branch since Space Patrol, and we're still not sure what they do.

Biden executive order bans federal agencies from using commercial spyware

It's disgusting. Why can't they use their own software?

Sssssssh. Listen very closely. Can you hear the hysterical laughter? It's the letter agencies, promising 'not to do that anymore.' They're very sorry for publicly undermining our rights, and in the future, will undermine our rights privately.

See if your phone is/was bugged with Pegasus

• Clearview AI used nearly 1m times by US police, it tells the BBC

nearly a million searches for the police. Information on US citizens - all presumed guilty.

• Here is the FBI’s Contract to Buy Mass Internet Data

• Could the US government actually block people from accessing TikTok altogether?

The US government could cut off the internet, if it wanted to.

It just happens to be correct, this one time, in saying that we need to stay off TikTok. It's owned by China, and there's no telling what they're up to. Let the theft of your information stay in America, where it belongs. After all, you put it there.

• India officials confiscate crane from man who saved it

That's right - the man nurses the crane back to health, the crane bonds with him, so it had to go.

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First cheetah cubs born in India since extinction 70 years ago

and they tell me MY sentences are weird....

Swimmers in Hawaii accused of harassing dolphins

This is disgraceful.

The swimmers were accused of hate speech, saying things about the dolphins' mothers, and claiming the dolphins were transvestites.

Netanyahu rejects Biden's call to drop Israel judicial overhaul

Tells aides, "It's ok, Joe probably doesn't remember saying it anyway."

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Last installment, I talked about scientists making a meatball of Woolly Mammoth. Now there's this:

Italy moves to ban lab-grown meat to protect food heritage

• America moves to ban electric vehicles to protect automotive heritage.
• France moves to ban Manischewitz to protect its wine heritage. 
• The Planet of California moves to ban thinking to protect its Stupid heritage. The ban is largely symbolic, as there has been no thinking in California since the 1960s.