Your love is like a nice toaster thrown in the tub
Best story of the month: Sea cucumber shoots sticky tubes out of its butt
Today I identify as a Rabid Religionoid, bent on legislating my morals
Somebody told me Shakira got divorced.
I already warned Wife that the calls are likely to start again.
She claims she doesn't know who Shakira is.
This will change when the phone calls start.
Shakira is Temptation with hips. She's a walking Marital Issue.
The doctors tell me I did well last time.
Turns out they're more intelligent than the average voter!
- Hey, what happened to those 'things' shot down over Canada and the US? I don't remember hearing anything, except that no one was thinking of releasing the info... I guess they succeeded.
Dalai Lama regrets asking boy to 'suck my tongue'
Oh, Jesus (sorry), he's becoming a Catholic priest.
Rudy Gobert apologises after throwing punch at Minnesota Timberwolves team-mate Kyle Anderson
It seems I'm missing out on something important. Perhaps I should rob a bank then apologize. You too. In fact, try it out and let me know how it works.
Clarence Thomas and Bohemian Grove: What goes on at the all-male club?
This can't be true: Alex Jones discovered Bohemian Grove. We all know he's a crazy conspiracy theorist and hurts people's feelings for a living.
You've probably experienced or heard of this before: you search for something on the web, then you get ads for it on Faceyspaces. Are you ok with this? When you installed the app, you gave it permissions to the entire phone. Faceyspaces knows everybody in your contacts, as well as your browser history, which prompts the ads. You might do better using Faceyspaces through a browser, as opposed to the app. Of course you know my recommendation would be to avoid Faceyspaces like ebola. Google and Alexa do this too, through the microphone.
Autopilot Cars and the Musk Follies
Cruise emits software fix after self-driving car slams into bushow many of us haven't wanted to slam into a bus?
Tesla workers shared images from car cameras, including “scenes of intimacy”
NOW they're upset. Not when they bought a car with a camera inside. Of course Tesla employees are going to have the pictures and videos. Not a wise group of buyers.
It was a leak, you big dummy.
I'd rather have random braking than brake failure, wouldn't you?
How did my Tesla fail me? Let me count the ways:
- spontaneous combustion
- rear seat becomes ejection seat
- steering wheel falls off
- belt failures
- takes pictures of me doing Stuff with my wife (and sheep) and posts them on the employee bulletin board
- I am an idiot who can't grasp the difference between driver-ASSIST and auto-drive
Who wants to pay for radio, 'infotainment' and phone?
I was watching news of a current trial. The defendant has odd religious beliefs; Mormon mixed with something else. The commentator referred to it as "some sort of kooky religion."
That's interesting. I wonder if there will be any blowback. All religions are kinda kooky. Is there a Kooky Meter, with different spots for different religions? Why are her Mormon+something else beliefs kookier than talking snakes and incest? Ok, this one mentions bodies being taken over by other beings, but still... you get my drift. I'm with the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and we're fighting for our religious right to wear a colander on our heads for our drivers license picture. You laugh, but it's a lot less dangerous than nailing people to wood, messing with little boys, stoning women, killing gays, and beating each other about the head and buttocks with palms. Where was I?
ABBA just lost their guitar player, who was only 70. Their bass player kicked off recently too. I think the band is breaking up by attrition. It's some strange version of Spinal Tap, whose drummers all exploded.
Now, onto the sensitive topic of stains. Well, not so much stains, as what my friend refers to as "Don't forget to feed your shirt." When I was younger, I fed my clothes now and then. Now that I'm less younger, I notice it happening more frequently. My grip seems to be pretty solid (probably why Wife covers her chest and runs when I come in the room). I don't shake badly enough to discharge soda from the can (people drink soda from a glass?). Yet as soon as I start eating, BOOM - it travels right to my clothes. It's mostly the shirts, but that doesn't mean it never hurts the pants. Just today, Wife was laughing at me (not strange) because my sandwich was leaking all over me. This one actually occupied a softball-sized patch of my shirt. Now, let me tell you why this was her fault.
I'm going to pick up lunch. Write down what you want.
Ok (writing): a brisket sandwich. If they don't start serving brisket sandwiches til 4:37, a burger.
[returns with lunch]
HA - that sandwich is leaking all over you!
That's because I ordered brisket. If not, then a burger. You got me pulled pork. Even in Philly, burgers aren't pulled pork. They also don't leak.
Oh, sorry, I didn't look at the list.
But you asked me to write it down.
Sorry.
I'm never going to win, first because I'm married. Second because I'm married to Mrs. lefty. You simply can't plan for whatever chaos she will inject into the process.
So she's only an indirect cause of my stains. Ooh, that didn't sound good.
- I am not allowed near the washer and dryer, so that's not it either.
- I don't wear anything white, so I'm not a ketchup magnet.
- I like my in-laws
So what IS the cause of my Incredible Staining Activity and Prowess?
Why was I viciously attacked by pork?
Why does soda leap from the can? Does it think it will clean the pork stains?
The answer, as Ancient Astronaut Theorists believe, could be aliens. Aliens are a great explanation for anything. It's not like anyone can prove you wrong: even kooky religious people. Of course some believe that aliens can take over your body, so it's kooky all over the universe.
We hold the talk on Stain Reasons to go back to the above-mentioned trial.Let's say the defendant claimed that aliens took over the bodies of her children, so her religion said it was imperative to kill them, then get married in Hawaii the following week. Although there is no insanity defense in that state, aliens can go a good way to getting you declared Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. This is why I was kicked out of law school. Before I applied.
If it's not aliens, perhaps it's Wife, who turns out to have Super Powers. When I eat, she bends time and disappears into an alternate universe, where she can stain my clothes, unknown to me. She un-bends time, and I'm sitting there, believing I just spilled Code Red all over my clean shirt.
If Wife doesn't have Super Powers. or doesn't want to show me she has them, maybe the dog does. It doesn't make a lot of sense to get me stained, when she can leap up and get the whole sandwich, but I don't know how dogs think. I do know she likes Fritos. That was a surprise, and completely non-staining. She's not a fan of bread, but will somehow get hold of pizza crust and carry it around for a while, like a prize. It's not quite the same prize as dropping a dead rodent on Mommy, but we do what we can. The day she dropped the rabbit head on the floor was unsettling. It was right out of the Godfather, without the silly accents and barking with marbles in her mouth. I'm not even sure what she was trying to tell us... we don't have a rabbit. Or a horse, but people like me don't belong on horses. People like me belong in Lincoln Town Cars, which ride smooth as silk and feel not even a bump when running over lesser cars. I'm a city boy; I like malts and malls. I have hayfever. I can barely clean out the car, no less care for a horse. Then there would be the inevitable police stops, where they'd desperately try to find something to ticket me for....
Sir. do you realize your tail light is out?
I don't have a tail light, just a tail.
Your windows are tinted too dark.
I don't have any windows.
Uhhhh.... let me see your license, registration, insurance, and naked pictures of your wife.
Why do you need my insurance papers?
You ran over a child while burning.
That was a Tesla
Look, I'm giving you a verbal warning. Just don't do it again.
[gets license back without the $100 bill wrapped around it]
Have you ever left the house smelling like pork? The social stigma is immense and embarrassing. On the other hand, if you can figure out a way to smell like Brussels sprouts, no one will bother you.
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