Today I identify as the last AM/FM car radio ever produced
I don't understand Wife's near fascination with the comings and goings of the neighbors. Maybe it's because we grew up differently, I dunno. She's like the crazy old lady, looking out the window, keeping tabs on the neighbors. If you need info, you come to her. Only she's not old, and has her own life. One morning she looked out the window and wondered why the guy across the street wasn't at work (his car was in the driveway). The other neighbor must be away for their week-long family vacation. The gay ladies had a fight. 2 doors down are considering moving, and spend their days rehabilitating cockroaches. I'm just happy there are no loud children. I don't know the neighbors' names, no less the neighbors. In fact, some of them think we either got divorced or I don't live with Wife because they never see me. I do nothing to confirm or put them off their theories, but if I cared, the whole thing would be interesting. At first, I didn't believe neighbors like this survived the 1950s, as pictured on old black and white sitcoms. It turns out I needed me some educatin'.
[ring]
Hi, Mrs. lefty, I saw the police knocking at your door at 7:32 in the morning. Is everything ok?
Yeah, wrong address. Fortunately they weren't SWAT because they would have shot the dog before they discovered it was the wrong address.
Oh, like they did to Mrs. Green, at 2844.
More like Mrs. Cohen, at 2855, where they knocked down the door, broke all the windows, threw in enough tear gas to stop a seal team, and drove a tank into the living room. When Mrs. Cohen told them they must want the drug dealer next door, they got really mad and blew up the garage. The Cohens donated heavily to the Police Beer Fund. She had to take out a 2nd mortgage to afford the cleanup. The city won't pay for the damage they cause, especially if it's by mistake.
Good God, there are other people like Wife? How does she have time to sit at her window - I know one thing about my neighbors: she has a full time job. Maybe she has a set of security cameras pointed out her window and monitors it all day long at work.
Ok, I lied: I know another thing about my neighbors: there is not an attractive one in the bunch. Wife informs me that good looking women don't even drive down the street. This seems to be the norm for a few blocks. So either we're the Ugly Section of the city, or the good looking ones know better than to come out of the house. It would be bad enough if they had to be good looking enough to move it... the lawsuits would fly, like people to a public bus after a crash, feigning illness. But can you imagine an Ugly Test to move in? On the other hand, there probably wouldn't be any press or lawsuits.
**THIS is your KNBC reporter, Alicia Smug, at the courthouse, where we discovered that a section of the city has a requirement that you be ugly before you move in. I'm talking to the Alligator family, of 5462 Main Street... Mrs. Alligator, when did you first suspect you were ugly? There are perfectly attractive families suing because the Attractive have been denied a house in your area. How ugly do you think you are, in comparison with your neighbors? Do you compete for Ugliest Neighbor? What if you were to get implants or cosmetic surgery and weren't Ugly anymore? Oh, there's a section of the sale document disallowing cosmetic surgery, except in cases of serious accident? And the surgery cannot make you any greater than a 4 on a scale of 10? That's tough. I didn't know there were negative numbers either.
I knew things were bad, but I never considered taking action until the old lady next door called to ask about the letter from the city in our mailbox. What was it about? I suggested Wife continue her monitoring activities, but do them from the front step, with a shotgun or small rocket launcher.
Marburg outbreak grows with concerning geographic spread in Equatorial Guinea
The reactions were swift and severe:
- it's antisemitic - the Anti Defamation League
- PANIC! - the Centers for Disease Control
- This requires extensive sitting back - the World Health Organization
- Lock Everything DOWN! - Idiot Governors
- they'll need DRUGS!!! - Big Pharma
- we better pay for the drugs-$54 billion - President Giveaway
- See? Marburg. It's the Jews again - UC Berkeley
It's wonderful to see the witch hunt against Trump proceeds unabated.
The record will reflect ThermionicEmissions said to leave Bill Clinton alone-it was his business and a waste of time and money. But there will be no stopping the Divided and Counquered from wasting everybody's time going after Trump. I'm stymied; Melania is worlds more attractive than the pr0n star.
Vote libertarian. Or vote Green Pen. Just don't vote for more of the same.
2023 is the Year of the Suitcase
One lady zips her boyfriend inside a large suitcase, where he suffocates. Another lady kills her stepson, puts his body in a suitcase, then drives across the country. It's concerning that both murderers are women, but not too surprising. Although few serial murderers are female, they're very good at what they do, including things men wouldn't do. Plus, if you think about it, who wouldn't want company on a trip across the country?
Now it's time to profit. Perhaps some company like Samsonite (because I don't know any others) could officially proclaim it the Year of the Suitcase. They could show all the normal stuff on commercials, while subtly introducing features....
- sides made of tampon material, to soak up... fluids
- larger storage capacity (because some men are bigger)
- airtight seal, because you don't want anything inside breathing, nor do you want to smell anything that might be not going on inside. Police-proof, if used under 24 hours.
- hermetic seal, so things stay.... fresh... longer, even in the trunk, even in summer!
- new lidar zipper system, so nothing gets caught or hangs out without alerting you
- covering leaves no artifacts nor picks them up: no one can prove where it's been
This will emerge as a new era for suitcases. Just you watch. Better yet, buy some, and do your part for population control.
Useless fact: Your cell phone has way more horsepower than Apollo and Space Shuttle craft. If any readers are old enough to remember the 386 processor, I believe that's what was on the Shuttle.
I've decided to take a public relations job with Philadelphia. The first thing I did was start with some slogans:
- Philly: Yes, all of our highways are gridlocked, but at least the roads are full of potholes
- Philly, where our best and brightest climb greased light poles and turn over cars
- Yes, we know when snow is coming, but somehow we always manage to be surprised by it
- Philadelphia: if we could find a way to tax breathing, we would
- Hear that noise? It's Ben Franklin spinning in his grave
- Philly: where the mayor is a taxing, blithering idiot, so we had no choice but to re-elect him
- We started police beatings in the 1970s, decades ahead of other cities.
- Where the police won't show up unless the news vans show up first.
- Where it's too expensive and time-consuming to fight gangs of people on quads, harassing motorists, so we don't do it.
I think I have a bright future ahead of me, especially since I work for the city, so I don't even have to show up to collect a paycheck.
- God, I miss big hair. And tube tops.
I always knew Comcast was useless, but today they hit a new low. Problems usually revolve around contacting them or using their website. You won't find what you're looking for on their website, but they offer a Help system. If you manage to find the answer to your question, it's not really the answer to your question. It gave me a link to what I was looking for and detailed instructions, that were, of course, wrong. Just trying to log in was a chore. I wouldn't bother, but my email account couldn't log in. This matched my problem when I tried to get to my email online. It looked like it was doing something, but it wound up with a blank screen. Eventually it told me their email server was offline. Of course their email server was offline - it's only a minor email server, for millions of people. Eventually I got logged into mail, you know, the email server that was offline. Perhaps it was, as there was no mail.
So essentially, Comcast is useless if you have to contact them. Not to mention the cost of the service - even just internet. But they don't have to care: they're either #1 or #2, in a city-mandated duopoly.
Those Wacky Republicans....
Missouri Reps Just Voted to Completely
Defund the State’s Public Libraries
Most likely in reaction to ACLU suit.
What wonderful human beings! Who needs those stupid old smelly libraries anyway?
This is what we elect.
If you think about it, they're right. Children and adults do not need to see this kind of filth - sexual education or anything like it. Body pictures=bad. Naked=bad. This is your brain on religion.
It is not law yet. Maybe it's time to make your thoughts known.
Sex Worker-Led
Payment Platform Shuts Down After Being Cut Off by Processor
This is a concerted attack against everything that's 'dirty' by.... guess who.... wait for it... religious conservatives.
It started when banks simply closed the accounts of adult actors and refused to do business with them. It has expanded all over the place. The same people who, under the guise of Family, are trying to shut down online porn. This means they spend most of their time watching or making it.
While talking with friends, we got to how cars all look the same. They're all small bubbles and nondescript. Way back, manufacturers strove to make their cars stand out. If you don't understand or don't believe me, look at the redo of the Challenger and Camaro. They certainly don't look like anything being made today. Unfortunately they also don't sound like today's cars. At least one of them makes a terrible noise, like a motorcycle, but many times worse, with more bottom end. They also had a lot of cylinders and actual room inside. I'm pretty happy that engine technology has progressed and I'm driving a 4 cylinder, whereas I used to drive 8's.
I guess car manufacturers have a bit of nostalgia and Marketing is banging on their doors, so they realize their cars should stick out. Rather than building a car that sticks out, they build the same crap everyone else does, but in order to stick out, they decided to do it with Ugly Paint. While this seems stupid to everybody who isn't in Marketing, it somehow slipped through. Aside from some of the ridiculous square cars, they started with green. All sorts of shades of green; from pea to avocado to puke. And some people bought them, somehow enabling Marketing. Seeing not a lot of people bought green, they decided to go further. They dispensed with original and bright colors, going straight for their own idea: milky colors. Milky green and Milky blue. They're the ugliest colors ever put on cars. Naturally people are ordering them like mad.
"Hey Hon - let's get this average car in Milky Blue. It will stand out from all the other cars on the road!"
"So will covering it in vomit."
So not everybody's on board, but there you have it. The auto industry's latest Great Idea, born out of too many edibles and being hit on the head too much.
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