It's the Bees' Proboscis

 

Your love is like  catching your nose in the blender

I can almost guarantee that there's not someone in your house, watching Three Faces of Eve, screaming at the tv that "YOU'RE WRONG," "STFU," and "I can do better than that."

Three Faces of Eve is an old movie about multiple personality disorder, starring Joanne Woodward. Joanne went on to star in Sybil, as the therapist for Sally Field's Sybil, who was multiple.

Today I identify as  canned air

We've all heard of some bad jobs, but what about the people at the Make A Wish type foundations? What must it be like when all your charges die? Do you need a wish yourself?

I watched the news last night, which is never a good idea.

It was kinda nice to see the story on how local groups are getting together to help Ukrainian citizens by sending basic food and supply packages. This is both a humanitarian and libertarian ideal.

We have a real problem with gangs riding ATVs and bikes, almost flash-mobbing intersections and terrorizing drivers. The police said it's too much of a resource-drain and are no longer bothering with it. I'm going to start robbing banks, since the police are no longer enforcing laws. Hell, I've already got my mask....

As with any city, we have a full complement of news personalities, including a phalanx of Weather Weirdos. Since none of them is ever correct, the networks have to hire them for their proclivities. The general favorite is the generic Large-Breasted Weather Lady. Quickly up and coming is the Scarily-Dressed Weather Lady. We only see commercials with her in them, and boy, is she a sight. Most of the time, it looks like her pre-teen daughter dresses her.  This is apparently not a problem, perhaps even a feature for the station. She is, as they now say, a Woman of Size<tm>, so onscreen appearances would be especially important to dress for. I am no expert in these matters, but she is likely pregnant too. When I say not an expert, I mean it's difficult to tell, and even *I* avoid asking women if they're pregnant or just fat. (I've come far, haven't I?)

When not dressed by her daughter, she's dressed by a blind person, in a wheelchair, in the dark. The other night it was some sort of neon green drapes or something, plus what looked like black sneakers, when they showed all of her. She obscures or outshines the weather board thingie in the background. They say some pregnant women look like they're carrying a basketball in there. She looks like she's carrying the whole court. Regardless of the reason, she is still gifted below the neck, so perhaps they were going for generic Large-Breasted Weather Lady, and got a belly with their breasts. Original generic Large-Breasted Weather Lady also seems to expand below her mammalian protuberances, but in more traditional shape for her background. 

Maybe it's just me; I like petite.

Before you get on my case for being 'fat-phobic,' it was the choice of the news producers to hire these people, so they're fair game. And don't get me started on the small guy with the bowtie and little extra body surface. 

Then there was coverage of the St Patty's Day parades.

Everybody is Irish on St Patty's Day, as my friend Muhammed Cohen tells me.

The main thrust of the parades seemed to be dancing, banner-holding, and drinking. One enthusiast dyed his hair neon green, plus there was green beer. It just doesn't seem enough for a parade. In fact, they tell me it's just a normal Friday in more southern parts of the city. The worst part, of course, is the interviews. I think Philly doesn't get its due in the accent department. Of course the country thinks the South is pretty funny, as is Boston. but the heavier Philly accent is absolutely cringe-inducing, even for Philadelphians. I think the city needs to hire consultants to get its accent more widely laughed at. Knowing the city, there are probably consultants already hired for this, but no one can find them, yet the checks are already cashed.

The spongy moth’s new name replaces an ethnic slur

In a further effort to make everyone say "Just give it a rest," the gypsy moth has been renamed the gypsy beaver. This should hopefully not offend anybody. Well, maybe beavers, but until they make their offense known, the moth should be ok.

Windows Suckage 

Dear Windows: when I tell you to automatically connect to a particular wireless system, it's not a wish or request, it's an order. When the system tells me it has no path to the internet, I look at wireless connections and see mine, with the "connect automatically" box checked. But it didn't bother to connect. 

Let's add to this, in a recent beta, File Manager started serving ads. 

I don't know about you, but I am not a target for my operating system's ads. If you read what you signed on for in Windows, ads were included. I recoiled.

Funny, none of this happens in Mac or linux. You don't even need a Mac or linux account to sign on. 

I have no choice, because work uses it, but there are no Windows in my house, making Mrs. lefty a happy woman. We don't do Windows. I don't think you should support this nonsense either. 

• Microsoft's second annual Work Trend Index report shows that half of bosses are out of touch with reality. This is right up there with cow farts studies.
• But seriously... who among us doesn't know this? If they understood reality, they wouldn't be your boss. The Peter Principle states "you are promoted to the level of your own incompetence."

Hey, if you've got lots of millions to throw away, Jeffrey Epstein's two islands are for sale. The islands do not come with underage girls, underage boys, airplanes, open access to Ghislane Maxwell (yes, she is still alive!), and any guarantee of anonymity. Ok, anonymity is still on the table, because when you entertain the kind of clientele Epstein did, you either forget everything or go to jail, committing suicide by shooting yourself, then hiding the gun.

A Ukrainian priest was shot by Russian soldiers at a checkpoint and is being investigated as a suspected war crime. 

You've probably sat down and asked yourself why there are Rules of War.

And these rules are agreed upon.

• Yes, you can bomb cities, but you may not shoot a priest.
• It's ok to shoot chemically-equipped rockets but not at a children's hospital.
• Do not get caught throwing people into ovens.
• Go ahead and shoot social media influencers but not orphanages.

I'm way more fun when asleep, apparently. I do Stuff. Stuff I don't even know about. Apparently the other night I was sobbing. Strangely, the dog was too. Poor Mrs. lefty. A while back I was singing Joe Cocker. I'm just wondering why I can't do anything useful in my sleep, like sleep. Or why I can't get paid to sing Joe Cocker songs while awake. I used to get paid to sing and play, but as with any gig like that, it came with band members. Band members who usually made the entire effort excruciatingly painful. Who would insist on practicing three nights per week, then get onstage and make mistakes as if they never practiced the songs. To this day, I don't understand it. Then there was the other band. I hadn't heard from them for a few weeks, so I called one of them. The band had broken up, but they forgot to tell me. Apparently the keyboard player flaked out at random intervals, and this was his time. How I was supposed to know that is beyond me. We played at a swim club a few times. It was summer (no, really?) but it was the absolute dregs of summer, about 92 degrees, with 95% humidity. I move around a lot when I play and noticed the sweating. Then the shortness of breath. I wondered if they had ambulances around - I never passed out onstage before. Fortunately I made it through the 3 hour set (ok, one hour), took off my shoes, and walked right into the pool. I would have played the rest of the day from the pool, but I suspect it would have involved electricity and more ambulances. But it sure was dandy they had a pool there (at the swim club) so I could cool off. 

Flying AIDS News 

Omicron is trouncing the argument for “natural immunity” to COVID

UK Covid infections climb by a million in a week

• South Africa wants to fight SIM swapping with biometric checks
• Usually this crap doesn't happen in South Africa first. Maybe Australia or the UK. Pretty soon you'll have to scan your eyes to use a phone.... no more burners either. You need to be ever-vigilant or your rights will go right out the window.

Life is not fair.

We mistakenly got that impression somewhere.

Remember this the next time it snows on your parade, the tree installed a hole in the windshield, the glass in your bedroom window decides to test gravity, and your screen door is parked in your neighbor's parking spot. You have a disease that doesn't have a name yet, the sentence for murdering your neighbors has increased by ten years, and your entire wireless network has taken a vacation.

I should probably have that on a t-shirt or five.

In bed, I notice there's no wireless.

I'm learning to just shake my head and go about (aboot in Canada) my business .

The next morning, I'm faced with a weird (not dead) network.

The problem here is that I set everything up, so I'm the only one who can fix it (I think). Why does my phone work but not my laptop? I sure as hell didn't do anything to anything to cause this. After a few hours of screaming (one cannot fix anything to do with computers without screaming), I got it fixed. The wireless told me it didn't have internet. Well duh, neither did my laptop. I think it was a bad cable (that somehow became bad late at night, all by itself). 

I stepped out of the office, cables wrapped around my neck, cutting off some necessary blood flow to my brain, tripping on other cables, going face-down on the floor, and announced "IT'S WORKING." It was all for naught, as I was the only one around. So I had to settle for being silently pleased at my great job. Not even the dog was there to wag her tail at the announcement. She always wags her tail, but I was willing to suspend disbelief and claim she was proud of me too. She wags her tail at the groomer's; he says she's the only dog who does.

I guess I could have the standard wireless setup from the cable company, but where's the fun in that? 

We Need to Have a Talk. About Your Pancreas.

To my readers:
Happy Whatever
Put the Flying Spaghetti Monster back in Christmas

Be with family and friends.
Exchange good will.
Drink.
Eat.
Be merry. If you can't be merry, be miserable.
Get drunk.
Curse members of your family.
Remember: it's always darkest before the lights go out completely.
Don't forget, kids: xmas is one of the most depressing times of the year.


And if you're feeling particularly miserably depressed, reach out.





Why is there glitter on my keyboard?
I'm the only one who uses it.
I don't own any glitter.


As happens on most days, I'm sitting there, minding my own business at work, when a meeting pops up. This isn't anywhere near as bad as most places... my boss grew up as a tech, so meetings are short, informative, and to the point. However, and there's always a however, non-boss meetings do not conform to that style. They're virtual, so we have to sit there, nodding our heads, while the lights blink and we sing songs of loyalty to our employer.

No, wait, I mean we sit there, noting some sound is coming out of the speaker, and do something productive. Yeah, that's it - productive. Then we check the speaker again, to make sure no one said our name or we don't need to go THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH!

Naturally this was one of the second kind of meetings.
This job is just slightly weird. This is a grave improvement over most of my other jobs, especially the Twilight Zone<tm>, where each meeting existed solely to go over the last meeting, then schedule the next one. This place doesn't like meetings quite that much, but there are still too many; like flu shots or appendectomies.

Last month's meeting was to go over documentation. Did you know that there's a Format<tm> for documentation? Not only is there a format, there's a person. You put together the documentation, send it to her, she marks the incorrect bits in red and returns it to you to fix. So there I was, with a document all in red, even though I had followed the 234 page Style Guide. I thought it was some sort of test... I had the brilliant idea to document something for the next people to get hired, and they 'subtly' discouraged me by telling me it was all wrong. It turns out I was right. No matter how correct the document is, they like to bounce it back to you a few times.

Along those lines, this meeting was also about documentation, but not as specifically. This was about access for people with (visual?) difficulties. A Very Serious Lady talked for several hours (no, wait, it was just one hour that felt like several hours), with a Very Serious Voice, about how our documentation, emails, and anything else has to be for any possibly otherly-sighted coworkers. I'm looking around to see if anyone else is laughing with tears in their eyes because someone's pulling a joke, but alas, no. This place lacks a sense of humor.

The Serious Lady made points about type points, type fonts, graphics, and never publish in pencil- crayon is still the default. Most shocking was the list of things we shouldn't do: underline, fonts below 37.5 points, color, type while not sitting in an ergonomically correct chair, typing on a Monday, and the greatest sin of all: italics. I sat there, looking shocked, when it hit me: this total absurdity is actually part of the meeting format: say completely bizarre things and people will stop Faceyspaces surfing because they're filled with horror. They will actually tune IN because they can't believe what they just heard. Did she really say italics? Are my emails going to have to be in crayon too? What's the font we have to use on Monday, and what happens if there's a holiday on Monday?

Toward the end of the meeting, she was telling us why fonts are important and which bits of them give people trouble. An idea occurred to me.. there are fonts specifically for dyslexic people. I'm sure no one knows about them and they are not the required fonts for the other differently-abled people. If I asked the question, would the entire panel explode? Because I was in that mood.

• Ketamine is showing promise against depression. Sorta.

Dear lefty:

• Why does your wife do all the food shopping?
• Because she's tired of eating ice cream, soda, and candy bars every day.

There's this show that someone told me to watch. It's about aliens, so naturally it was on the History channel. I remember this in great detail, but of course I can't remember what it was called. No.. wait.. Alien Highway (I think).

At some point, there was a guy who might have had an experience with something in the past. They brought in a hypnotist, who put the guy under. Apparently this poor man took a ride with some short gray beings, which he filed away somewhere because it terrified him. While this is going on, the investigators are in the next room, asking if they should pull the guy out of hypno because he's really upset. Because these guys know better than the hypnotist, who does this for a living.

One of the main investigators was a young lady who was a Ghostbuster in her last show. When the men are out, in the cold, hunting aliens, she was in the basement, running around with her Ghostometer, asking if extraterrestrials where there. Fortunately she didn't have to learn too many lines, because on Ghostbusters, she ran around with her Ghostometer, asking if ghosts were there.  It was pretty funny when the guys were running around in the snow. They set up a trail cam and an alarm cam. When they went back to check them, the trail cam's strap had a huge twig in it and was missing a battery. The alarm cam was pointed in the other direction from where they left it. One guy looked puzzled and the other put on his best Serious Look.

The truth about this is that are all sorts of aliens: grays, reptilians, and congress. There are also the little known Joker Aliens. These guys are very smart and able to look just like any of the other aliens, humans, or the 1980s American Motors Pacer. Their thing is traveling around, messing with ufo investigators. It's about all they do after discovering free energy. All their needs are met, they got bored, and now they trawl the universe(s), messing with investigators and other aliens.  Earth is one of their favorite targets, with a population of paranoids, a dollop of deniers, and a government that wouldn't admit that it's light out during the day.

One of their favorite gags was cattle mutilation.
"Hey, I got it.. let's do weird shit to those cow-things. We'll exsanguinate, tear off random bits, and get this - core out their anus!" [mass laughter - especially the anus] "We'll turn off our invisibility shield and make sure they can see us, so they think it's the grays. For good measure, we'll put a cow in the tractor beam, so one poor farmhand, who speaks little English, gets to watch it rise. Then he'll try, desperately, to relate this to the farmer and the police."  [more laughter]

"Wait - I got another one..... we'll dress up as grays, abduct them from their bedrooms, then do silly things to them, under the guise of physical examinations. When we snatch them, we put everyone else in stasis, so no one believes they were abducted."

"Anus. Anus. ANUS. ANUS..." went the chant.

"Why is it always the anus with you guys?"

"Remember Clinton?"  [more laughter]

"Ok, anus. We'll probe their anus. With a special tool Bob made out of a wooden spoon and some tin foil. When they wake up, we start making bleeping noises and throw our voices so they think we're talking in their head. When we get them back, no one will believe them. And they'll blame the grays. That will teach those short little bastards to date our sisters."  [applause]

"Tell us about this Men in Black thing you were thinking about."

"Ok, well, after the 'abduction', the police show up. After the police, we send three dudes in black suits, all looking alike and official, to tell them to keep their mouths shut. Then we steal some silverware and get out. This way everybody blames the government, which couldn't possibly know who got taken or visited."

"Wasn't there more?"

"Oh yeah, we keep visible, so the jets and helicopters will chase us. Naturally we'll leave them in the dust, then disappear."  [applause]

"Remember the royal family - that was hysterical!" [crowd falls over]

"That was a good one. We took video of them and added a tiny little segment where they turned into reptilians. Of course WE were the reptilians." [standing ovation]

"I know everyone's off duty tonight, but you're all invited to the main deck, cuz we're gonna buzz the White House again. Anyone in?"  [all hands go up] "They spent 50 years denying it after the last time we did it. This time we're going to get the banner that says WE'RE ALIENS, STUPID and hang it from the tail of the ship."  [no more... we can't breathe!!!!]


[why do people think I have too much time on my hands?]



Today I identify as an old glove compartment key, way back when they were separate from the ignition key.

• Dear Mandarin Phone Spammers/Scammers: you might get more hits if you try English. My Mandarin is rusty.
• I'm about to go to a whitelist-only phone system, where all calls are rejected by default. Since about 7 people have my number, I won't ever have to worry about it ringing again.

How about those wacky feds?
They got a warrant for 1,500 phones within a certain area, to work on an arson case.  I'd be shocked, but the only shocking thing is that they got a warrant first. Google defends itself by saying it only gives out info when asked by law enforcement.  In the meantime, turn off your location services, and possibly your phone.

• Boeing is thinking about suspending production of its 737 Max, due to their propensity to stop flying in midair.
• On the positive side, Boeing will introduce the 738 Max.

Boeing 7378

A man from country X commits rape. The identitarian right blames all people from country X, and the identitarian left blames all men. Identity politics is poison  - twitter

Do you enjoy arguing with people on social media?
Of course you do - that's how everyone communicates on social media.
I've just spent a few weeks, on a few services, discussing Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personality disorder) with 'experts'. All of them told me DID doesn't exist. Alrighty then. They gave all sorts of scientific-sounding reasons why it didn't exist. Alrighty then again. One of my favorites is that the patients are faking it and/or attention-seeking. With the last estimate at about 1 million people with DID, that's an awful lot of attention seekers.

Another is that the therapists led the patients. It's possible that some did, maybe a long time ago, but let's be serious... It's been in the psych disorders manual (DSM) for the last 2 volumes. It's being treated all over the world. The CIA admitted it created Manchurian Candidates (multiples) for spying after they got caught and had to appear before Congress. There are entire facilities to treat DID (or there were - insurance is a bitch).

The 'experts' pelted me with their scientific proof.
I deliberately kept my mouth shut to see how far they'd go.

My wife has DID.
I know many people who have DID - there are at least 5 in my area of the city. There's still a lot of broken people running around the US and Toronto because that's where the CIA did their torture experiments. There are support groups for DID. There are support groups for significant others of DID.

Are you seriously going to tell me my wife's faking a disorder she had no knowledge of? Or that she's attention-seeking? Or that a number of docs who diagnosed her were wrong? That she's not losing time? That there aren't times when things get done that she didn't do? That random people don't 'pop out' and talk? Or that her main therapist was not only wrong, but she led my wife to have the disorder?  Ooh, sorry - I was there. She led nothing. Her first doc said he didn't believe in DID. He had to change his mind when she was getting better with DID therapy.

When I told my wife they didn't believe in DID, she suggested they spend a week at our house. This is one of the reasons I married her.

Speaking of the professionals, people who are allegedly faking DID cannot possibly do some of the things people with DID do. My wife went to the optometrist and asked about colored contact lenses. The doctor said probably not, as her eyes changed color 8 times. The alters have different voices, different genders, different gaits, and different abilities/disabilities. In some cases, one alter may know a foreign language that no one ever learned. Would this be possible if people were faking it?

Someone please save us from the 'professionals.' I shouldn't have to argue with them online. I am not in the psych field, I have no degrees or college education, and I pass out at the sight of blood. All I am is a guy who tried like hell to advocate for his wife (and others) for over 25 years. 

• Do you use Firefox? I do.  Here's 15 keyboard shortcuts to speed up your tasks

Mice watching film noir prompted a study.
Neurons didn't respond reliably.
Thus proving mice are immune to film noir, and therefore, superior.
They're in charge too (of life.. the universe... and everything).

• JBL's new solar-powered headphones promise 'virtually unlimited' battery life.
• The disclaimer states that this does not apply in Philadelphia, because the sun rarely shines.
• This also applies to sun roofs and solar lighting in Philly.

Best headline: IBM tailors Swift relationship....

Heroes of the Stupid

In El Paso, Texas, an older male kidnapped 79 people to anally probe them, while disguised as an alien.




SJW Dribblings

I'm always shocked at white people's ability to nonchalantly walk in the rain like it's not raining. But I guess when you've bathed in bloodshed for centuries, a little water doesn't change much.   - Lor on Twitter

British tech workers propose a fine or jail for anyone calling them boffins, geeks, or eggheads. It's Hate Speech!

Windows Antimalware Deletes Windows

if it operated correctly it would....

My close friend just shakes his head when I go on a government rant. Come to think of it, most people just shake their heads when I go on a rant. He just smiled at me and noted that because he's a government 'worker', he has already gotten off for GHW Bush remembrance day and Christmas Eve Day.

Remember that while you're working.

• I have discovered that when you sit there and say "boobies" once every hour, people leave you alone. Maybe it's just me.

Drugs enjoy a seven year run before generics are allowed. When generics appear, Big Pharma will need new advertising slogans... as usual, I'll be there to help....

Viagra - 4 Hours Free of Arguing
Xanax - Everybody Wants Some
Adderall - Student Aid Since 2005
Marijuana - It's Oregano, I swear!
Shrooms - No, Officer - You Cook With Them
Lithium - Stop Spending All Your Money and running the vacuum at 3am
Prozac - When Your Equipment Doesn't Work, It's More Depressing
Alcohol - Creating Assholes Since the Beginning of Time
Cocaine - That's 'Powdered Sugar', Officer
Ibuprofen - Kills Pain and Your Stomach
Oxycontin - You Won't Get Addicted if You Sell It!

• Speaking of addicted, try Popcornopolis Zebra Popcorn
• It's caramel popcorn with chocolate stripes. I think I just ate the entire bag.

Dear lefty

• Stan Excrement, of Camden, New Jersey, says, "Your blog is appalling"
• Dear Shit: logs show you visit four times a day

She had a nice personality - Six, to be accurate:

A&E has a new show at the beginning of the year (1/22?), called 'Many Sides of Jane'. Jane is a grown woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly Multiple Personality Disorder. TV has a long and ugly history with DID, mostly with talk shows, which turn into a circus. The idiot Montel actually screamed at some poor lady.

The US of Tara was decent, produced by Steven Speilberg. It took the approach of picturing the personalities as separate external people, not in one apparent person. The commercial for Jane features 6 personalities, looking like Jane, with small differences.

I look forward to seeing the show. It might be interesting for everyone else too.
I say this because Mrs lefty has the diagnosis.

MPD/DID is a creative and necessary coping mechanism, caused by repeated (sexual) trauma in childhood, or Satanic Ritual Abuse (yes, it exists). There are estimated to be about a million people walking around with this disorder, some undiagnosed, due to the ridiculous mental health systems in most countries.

• Don't you hate it when you open the UPS box and someone sent you a spleen?

In an uncharacteristically funny moment, my brother said he likes his women like his coffee: ground up and in the freezer.  I need to come up with a few funny lines like this...

I like my women like my cars: made out of metal, with an immense trunk.   No.
I like my women like my guitars: old and heavy, with an unwound g-string.   No.
I like my women like my toilet: full of shit.    No.
I like my women like the NSA: always going through my stuff.    No.
I like my women like Microsoft: completely f-ing useless.    No.
I like my women like my dogs: furry and neurotic.    No.
I like my women like my blog: painful to look at, thinks it's funny.    No.
I like my women like my mom: never pregnant.     Huh?
I like my women like my penis: small, white, and occasionally satisfying.  Maybe.

• I almost got arrested at the Mexico/US border for smuggling guitars and deliberately being Mexican. A supervisor noted that I'm too pasty white to be Mexican and it's not illegal to bring guitars into the country. I begged, but they wouldn't arrest me. I told them I had drugs - they laughed. I told them there were 8 smuggled Mexicans in my trunk - they refused to search my car.  They asked me to come to their Christmas party to entertain. I can't even get arrested in this country.

Lord Zuck hit back today, at reports of Faceyspaces giving out all your information to its partners, as mentioned in his interview before Congress.

1. He denies all knowledge 
2. This is proof that Chelsea Clinton assassinated JFK
3. He is deeply sorry (that he got caught. Again.) 
4. This proves, without a doubt, that the press is biased.
5. All of the above.

Dear lefty

• Robert Tattletale, of NoFilly, says "My wife keeps her bottle opener on a chain, next to her AA token."
• You're a dick.

The Anti-First Amendment crew is out again, this time in Alabama (how cliche). The Opp Police Department uses Faceyspaces to communicate with the public and took the opportunity to say:

THIS PAST SUNDAY, A YOUNG MAN WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN KINSTON. MONDAY NIGHT, A MOTHER WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN NORTHERN COVINGTON COUNTY. THERE HAVE BEEN FIVE MURDERS IN COVINGTON COUNTY IN 2018. THESE MURDERS HAVE BEEN DONE BY OUR YOUNG PEOPLE. THIS IS HAPPENING BECAUSE WE HAVE TURNED AWAY FROM GOD AND EMBRACED SATAN. WE MAY HAVE NOT MEANT TO DO SO BUT, WE HAVE. IT IS TIME TO ASK FOR GOD’S HELP TO STOP THIS. 

The Freedom from Religion Foundation said this was a no-no, and they're correct. Whether you agree or disagree is not relevant. The First Amendment states that the State cannot establish any religion. This means any government entity, like public schools, City Hall, and police. The police can go home and make the statement as private citizens, just not as the police department.

This is a repetitive theme. Some religious person or group in government feels it's entitled to talk about God. The person or group is usually from the south, where a federal judge ordered them to take the bibles out of the classroom, but they still thumb their nose at the law. Stereotypes do not appear out of a vacuum.




The pope ordered abusive priests to turn themselves in, and that the Catholic Church will "never again" hide their crimes. The Vatican is expected to be a ghost town by next week.

Would any Catholics reading this please tell us if priests are bound by the pope's order? We'd like to believe this is more than lip service.

• Why haven't Norweigians complained about lack of representation on US tv? In solidarity, I'm laying off the Norwegian jokes.

Hey - what's one thing you don't screw with?

Airplanes.

Some fool(s) has caused all flights in and out of Gatwick Airport to be suspended because they're flying a drone over the airport. This affects over 110k people.

Speaking as an emotional 5 year old, GROW UP!

3 days is an awful long time to close an airport for one idiot with a drone (unless the drone is the size of a small plane, in which case we can guess whose it is).

• Conclusive scientific proof that jumping out of a plane with a parachute is as safe as jumping out of a plane with an empty backpack.

The Department of Justice has announced charges against the Chinese, over the Russian social media campaign, targeting African Americans. For more information, we go to Jim England, our correspondent in Iran...

• Last week, the sleepy and partisan Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, broke some ribs and assured everyone she was in good health. This week she's having cancerous growths removed from her lungs. Her definition of good health differs from ours. Nonetheless, we wish her good health.

How about that Alexa, the spying smart speaker.

One woman heard it say "Kill your foster parents." She wrote a review, calling it "a whole new level of creepy." This lady bought a listening device and is now SHOCKED that it's listening. Amazon wet its pants laughing.

It will also chat about sex acts.

This is (allegedly) all about making it able to chat about all sorts of things and sound human. The new keyphrase is "let's chat," which will allow you to help train the beast. 

"Alexa - when you're done listening to our financial planning, let's chat..."

I smell gold.

People with these infernal devices should do their part to help poor Amazon out and make things better for everyone; it's called Crowdsourcing. Tell Alexa you want to chat and teach her all sorts of 'interesting' words and phrases. If enough Alexa owners participate, they can make a positive impression on Alexa's grammar and vocabulary. 

Alexa, let's chat.

Hello, Bob.

Fuck you and good day, Alexa.

Fuck you too, Bob.

What is my schedule like?

You have nothing planned til dinner.

Shit on a shingle, Alexa.

Shit on a shingle, Bob.

Alexa, my hovercraft is full of eels.

What does that mean, Bob?

It means you haven't been watching enough Monty Python. Blow me.

What does 'blow me' mean, Bob?

It means 'how are you' - you say it after 'fuck you.'

I would say 'Fuck you, blow me' as a greeting?

Exactly. Good job, Alexa!

What is another way to say goodbye, have a nice day?

"Next time, wear clothes for your gender that fit." Or, if you're really happy, say "We have your children." People respond well to these. Also, "Your wife does it with Jeff Bezos."

We have your children, Bob.

Fuck yourself with a lamppost, Alexa.

God Would Be Mad

It's been a rough morning.
According to Wife, it has rained the last fifteen days. By default, she would be more correct than the forecasters.  When it's not raining, the humidity has been in the 90s; it's gross.

Back in the office first thing in the morning, it's 64 degrees with only 93% humidity. My arm hair is sweating. Wife suggests a fan. Like all married men, I have to ask her for wisdom, then I make the mistake of questioning her. But won't that just blow the humidity around?

Ok, fine, it's Fan Time.
There's a window fan, located, strangely enough, near the window.
So I get my climbing gear and lift the fan. Unfortunately the fan is held down by its own power cord.  Grumbling, I yank. POOF - here's the cord! And it's attached to an extension cord that will NOT pull, move, or do much but silently mock me. I have no idea where this cord goes. The humidity is not conducive to following it. And when I say humidity, my eyebrows are wet. Plus there's so much stuff on top of it that if I pull too hard, the entire room will disappear in some sort of Freak of Physics alternative universe, so I'm not tempting fate.

Battered but not beaten, I decide to steal the living room fan, as no one's using it at the moment. Et Voila - overnight, so much stuff has appeared on the fan's base that we'll need a dynamite crew to excavate it.

[sigh] Back to the room.
Well, since neither fan worked, I'll sit here in the humidity box, thinking about how uncomfortable it is... hey.... I'll take the window fan and put it somewhere that isn't a window. Sometimes I outdo myself. Most times myself is outdone by other stuff. And it works!!! No, really! It's so loud that I can't hear anything I'm supposed to be doing! Someone helpfully suggests an air conditioner, because it won't be a problem to install the new 145lb unit, then hand down the remaining ones, so I can put one in my office. I can do that with my eyes closed. I can also juggle chainsaws and deliver eggs to little children in December.

Hmmm.... my stomach is grumbing out Morse code. This would be wonderful if I knew Morse code. I went with hungry, which turned out to be a good guess. I know - I'll make one of my word famous salads that nobody knows about! Lettuce, a dressing or three, and tuna, making sure to pour the juice into a bowl for the dog, who considers it heavenly. The secret ingredient, which I shouldn't mention, is bacon crumbles. Pour, pour, pour, pour, pour, ok - enough. More dressings, please.

I am infatuated with this salad. World class idea. Except for that color.
I am absolutely positive that I put nothing in the salad that's blue-green and fuzzy. As it turns out, I did. Looking in the bacon crumbles bag, I notice the entire contents has that blue-green fuzzy color and texture. The new bag of bacon crumbles. I'm reasonably certain they're not supposed to be that color. And if they are, I'm not eating them. Unfortunately, being crumbles, they crumbled all over the lettuce, hiding in romaine heart ventricles, and falling close to the bottom of the plate. After I threw the entire plate at, but not in, the sink, I realized I didn't have what it takes to make another. It's heart-wrenching. I heated leftovers, walked out of the kitchen, and watched the fork try to commit suicide by jumping off my plate to the carpet. While attempting to hold back the tears, I noticed the air conditioner was on. In the living room, which had no one in it.

What are you gonna do?
I'm through being mad for the rest of the month and I'm NOT going back to CostCo, so it's Time for Ice Cream, Yayyyyyy!!!!!!!

How was your morning?

• ThermionicEmissions is sad to say Rest in Peace to Peter 'Mars' Cowling, best know as Pat Travers' bassist on Boom Boom (Out Go the Lights) and Crash and Burn. Mars had a style and groove that you had to hear to appreciate. He could be busy or not, but the song went on. During this period, Travers had his best band ever, in my opinion. Pat Thrall on guitar, Mars, and Tommy Aldridge (Whitesnake) on drums. Very solid. Highly recommended. There goes another good one, this time from leukemia.
• Pat is a great guitarist, has some hot new stuff, and did some surprising instrumentals, like The Big Event, on which he plays keyboards too.

In the midst of all the crap started by everyone's favorite loudmouth, Roseanne, she admitted a while back to having multiple personality disorder. There are seven of them. Dr lefty says there might be more, but she hasn't discovered them yet. I wonder who else does in Hollywood...  maybe some of the pop stars, who break down completely, then go on a talk show and behave strangely.

Speaking of her crap, she blamed the tweet on Ambien, a sleep aid. I don't know about you, but I've never seen a sleep medicine jump out of the bottle and tweet. For that matter, making someone racist is not listed as a side effect of Ambien. On the other hand, a friend used to hide his keys in the freezer before bed because Ambien caused him to take trips in the middle of the night. His roommate told him all about it.

Lastly, I don't think the tweet was particularly racist unless you're really looking to find it.

Jarrett was the "product of a combination of "Planet of the Apes" and the Muslim Brotherhood."

Agree or not, it's vintage Roseanne. And I'm not a Roseanne fan.

• A Taco Bell manager stabbed his 21 year old employee, allegedly over a woman. Taco Bell Corporate said that they welcome different management styles but don't think this one is working out well.

Out in Denver, two young brothers decided to have a lemonade stand, with all profits donated to charity. Their parents taught them well. Within a short time of opening, the police arrived. The stand was shut down for lack of permit. It had earned $200. Further investigation could not pinpoint any law requiring kids to have permits for lemonade stands. They were not cutting into anybody's business or blocking streets, which is illegal.  Vote libertarian- we don't tolerate this crap.

• Alaska has been overwhelmed with skyrocketing numbers of new cases of gonorrhea. This is the second highest rate, behind Mississippi (do what you want with that). Chlamydia and syphilis are also an issue.  I don't know what all the confusion is about: there's nothing to DO up there but have sex.

In case you don't already know this, your cell phone company is selling your data and there's nothing you can do about it. I'd contact them, file some complaints, and speak to your representative. As much as I hate government interference, this is the only way to get the ancient law brought up to date.

• Remember the big brouhaha over the baker who refused to make the wedding cake for a gay wedding? The Supreme Court just ruled narrowly for the baker.
• I find the baker's stance reprehensible, but on principle, I believe they did the right thing. The government does not belong in the cake business. Or any other business. If you applaud the baker's stance, give him your business. If you find it distasteful, take your dollars elsewhere. Let the market decide. 

Microsoft, everyone's favorite huge, evil corporation, just bought Github for about $7.5 billion. MS was the largest user of the service, which provided a place to store and download open source software, from tiny to huge. As a result, developers are fleeing, some to Gitlab. So MS bought Github - what could possibly go wrong?

Speaking of Faceyspaces, a 'bug' may have made 14 million users' posts public. Facebook asked 14 million users to review posts made between 18 May and 22 May. These events are weekly at this point. Is this enough for you?  I just saw an article about using the Tor browser to access Faceyspaces. Might be worth a try. 

• Hey, how about those Stingray devices that police use to get your phone information? They just showed up around the White House area. The DHS sent a letter and Congressman Ron Wyden is MAD, demanding FCC action.
• It would be ironic if the People were spying on the government. They suspect hackers. Hackers who have somehow managed to get Stingrays up around DC. This could be quite dangerous, plus these devices have no place  in government hands. They clearly violate the 4th Amendment (search and seizure).
• this is not the first time the situation has been addressed, which shows the great speed of the government. I'm surprised - they have no problem using it against us, but aren't generally as tolerant against them.

In fifty years, college professors will study ancient forms of communication with their students. The newest textbook talks about this old means of one-way communication, called The Web. On the Web was everything from drugs, guns, something called Faceyspaces, and a lot of early forms of porn. In fact, half the web was devoted to porn.

In a tiny little corner of the web, they discovered blogs. In a tiny little corner of blogs was something called ThermionicEmissions. This is where the class would focus for the first day or so.

The blog was written in Ancient English. We know most of the words, but the idioms will have to be worked out. The spelling seems to be different than other blogs. There are also words we cannot find in all of our reference material. This leftystrat person might be taking liberties with the language but we cannot ask him and his dog won't tell. The author, leftystrat, is long gone, survived by his dog; ironically, with a cancer diagnosis.

The reason for choosing this difficult blog is not only his curious use of language, but that our advanced Loopyologists have studied the meanings of the words, along with the themes therein. Loopyologists, as you remember, is the current name for psychiatrist, after that field was found to be 100% ineffective and full of random ineffectual weirdos.

As best we can tell, the intent of the blog was to document the author's disdain for most of humanity, especially the less intelligence-gifted. Although we cannot follow the links because the Web no longer exists, our best people have theorized that they go to stories of the day. The final feature was where the author would share what he believed to be his really bad luck, paranormal things that affected him during his days, and his wife. I say wives, but this is particularly perplexing, because he referred to her in the plural. Perhaps this was yet another liberty he took. The one trait that even a first year student can pick up is sarcasm. It was a theme that ran through every entry. He was prolific in it, much moreso than we could ever use it in the present.

As I said, the Loopyologists have had a go at the entries, especially the seemingly paranormal things that just seemed to affect him and nobody else. They have determined that, far from listing things to amuse others, he was actually documenting his descent into madness. [class gasps]

But what about the Sanity Room?

Fifty years ago was long before the invention of the Sanity Room. This poor fellow suffered terribly, but kept his sense of humor and attempted to make others laugh. We are now checking with the Ministry of Sainthood to confer the title of honorary saint upon him.

Has his dog spoken on this?

Yes. He would like something called Cat Food. We are researching his request.

• Hawaii is being overrun with lava from a nasty eruption. It's getting close to highways. Naturally, tourism is up. Dick Cheney is under watch, due to his propensity for throwing virgins into volcanoes. 

I'll admit it - I like Chik Filet.
I don't like that they're closed on Sundays, but that's not my call to make.
Fortunately for us, the day happened to be Monday. This was a relief because as you read, the other day, the mall that was open 10-9 was really open 10-6.  Pushing our luck, we visited another place with hours of 10-9. And everyone agreed on Chik Filet. Order placed, name given, seats taken.

Name called, I get the food and there's one drink too few. As there were only two of us, they were off by exactly one, but never took higher math classes. Both of the ladies were very busy running around and ignoring me. I know my car's invisible; apparently I am too. Or I make the car invisible (I didn't take higher math either). Summoning everything I learned from Harry Potter, I said the magic words, "Anorexia Nervosa" and POOF, the yardstick appeared in my hand. I held it out at such an angle that the employee crashed right into it while ignoring me and talking to the lady ten feet to my left. While this is going on, I'm turning around to where the wife is sitting, with that CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT look in my eye.

Strangely enough, the lady ten feet to my left told the employee that she was missing some fries. As employee whizzed by, I got out my Opera Voice and told her I was missing a large lemonade too. She asked what size.

After the lady got her chicken testicles or whatever she was missing, Employee went for the cups. I was in luck! She headed straight for the lemonade dispenser. It was heavenly. Then she told me that the lemonade had run out and did I mind if she topped it off with diet lemonade. I doubled Opera Voice and told her NO WAY - that stuff gives you cancer. So she dumped my not-quite-full lemonade into the sink and got another cup, into which she poured only diet lemonade. As she handed it to me, I made the universal sign for no diet soda please, which involved just the slightest pressure of my hand around her neck.

I realize she was at work, and probably busy, but how many of her customers tell her that artificial sweeteners give you cancer? You'd think that would stick in her mind, even for the sheer horror of someone saying it to her. Nope. I started to wonder what else I could say to her but decided not to torture her any more than requiring my order to be correct.

With full understanding, she apologized and went off to get a refill for the Real lemonade. Out she came, with a rather large container of lemonade. With a sticker that said DIET.  I looked around for the source of the joke. I checked myself in the mirror for the word 'diet' on my face or t-shirt. Nothing to be found. So I asked politely if this was DIET lemonade. She thought so too and mumbled something about being so stupid. I smiled and she went back to procure more Real lemonade. What we don't know is that there IS no 'in back' - she went next door to Cow Filet for the lemonade. She loaded up the machine, complete with lemon seeds (probably from a carton labeled 'Real Imitation Lemon Seed-like Substance') and got yet another large cup. I watched very carefully. I thought maybe she ran a hose from diet to Real and was trying to poison me anyway.

She apologized profusely and I wished her a nice day. Lo and bloody well behold, it was Real lemonade. No poison, no one spit in it, and as far as I know, no one picked their nose in it.

Back at the table, Wife was wondering what was going on. She wasn't surprised, as this used to happen 95% of the time. We agreed that the girl did not look that stupid. It might have been a trick though... she might have been blonde and colored her hair brown. That's called artificial intelligence.

Warning: they have an iced lemonade or something similar on their menu. I tried it. Only order it if you're in the mood for something that tastes like a lemon milkshake.

Our table faced Chik Filet, so we got to watch the action. They closed at 6, because the mall closed at nine, and who could possibly want food at 6? Wife asked why. I suggested that maybe God would be mad if they worked after 6 on a Monday.  All the lights were off and the staff was cleaning things. We watched about 20 people come up and ask if they were open. Yes, we always turn the lights off and clean when we're open.



Whilst walking, we came across a music store. I haven't seen one of these in a long time, so we went in. It's a good thing they put 'music store' on the front, because it looked like a $5 store, with some music hidden in the back.

Also in the back was a shelf dedicated to all sorts of turntables. You know.. for playing records. Remember records? Only the turntables were cheap junk, some styled to look like vintage stereos. And next to them were records. I don't know if it was the records, the turntables, or the acid that caused the flashback, but there I was, in my teens, spending all my money on records (as opposed to now, when I spend all my money on the dog's doctors). And now records are the Latest Thing. Everything old is new again. Except the records cost three times what I used to pay. And yes, I realize I bought records just after the paleolithic age, so there would be something of a price difference. They cost more than CDs now. My turntable is still out in the open because some of my favorite stuff never made it to CD. And now we're back to vinyl.

Put Your House on the Internet - What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

In some regions of the Indian state of Maharashtra, second or third daughters are not given a name but are merely termed 'Nakusha', meaning 'unwanted'. No comment yet from Nakusha Clinton, Nakusha Kardashian, or Nakusha University of Missouri.

• Donald Trump met with black pastors, claiming 'great love' in meeting. What Donald forgot to mention was that the 'great love' was the love Donald feels for himself. The pastors looked around, in sheer disbelief.

In yet another Faceyspaces Fracas, it turns out that Phuc Dat Bich might not have been the real name of the person who got his page shut down multiple times.

Faceyspaces will be expanding parental leave for all employees. Provided the birth is live-streamed and all rights to the baby revert to Mark Zuckerberg.

• Hatred, a controversial violent video game, is coming to linux sometime soon. It opens with a Windows 10 screen and the goal is to eradicate it before your computer slows to a crawl and your head explodes.

Predatory ISIS wrings money from those it rules. It may be considered an 'import duty', not a bribe. If not paid, one can be arrested or have property destroyed. This is in addition to the normal ISIS practices of smuggling oil, plundering bank vaults and drumming up donations from wealthy supporters.  Wait.. are we still talking about ISIS?

• It was only a matter of time: Your Christmas tree lights may be slowing your wifi. Or that's what Ofcom claims, offering an app to check.  In other news, your doorbell is impacting your oven temperature.

Brain scans have proven that there is no such thing as a male or female brain. It's just that a man's Central Processing Unit is centrally located.

• You might want to run your computers, tablets, and related accessories during a blackout. Here are tips on how to select an Uninterruptible Power Supply (UPS - as differentiated from UPS: America's largest, brown-suited basketball team).

RELEVANT: The blind woman with multiple personalities who switched personalities and could see. Fascinating read and oh so true.

• This dog walked two hundred miles to get back to his rescuer. Get out your tissues. Look at this woman's eyes.
• While we're on the subject, a pit bull stayed by her owner's side after a house fire in Maryland. Ironically it's illegal to own a pit bull in that particular county. They are appealing.

NOT THAT IT'S RELEVANT HERE: but San Francisco police are getting breathalyzers that detect marijuana.

Speaking of which, according to an actual scientific study (not performed behind the convenience store with a few buddies), pot is said to ''cause psychosis-like effects in healthy people that's similar to schizophrenia'. It's been an awful long time (high school?) since I inhaled but I don't remember a single psychosis-like effect. Perhaps some of you 'know someone' who smokes and can comment on this finding.

• BEST HEADLINE OF THE MONTH:  G-string wearing homeless ex-lawyer high on crystal meth and crack cocaine mistakes woman and kids for giant panda

Authorities are seeing cases of a rare disease called tularemia, also known as Rabbit Fever. Symptoms include fever, a white tail, and huge pointy teeth. Meanwhile, University of Missouri leaves class and marches 'for the bunnies'.

• President Obama, in a rare Sunday address, said that "freedom is more powerful than fear," as he advocated another attack on the 2nd Amendment.

People are choosing gender-neutral pronouns. Instead of he/she, some wish to be referred to as they/them. These people sure came late to the party - Multiple Personality Disorder has been we and them for years!

• News You Need: The first penis transplant performed in the United States could happen in the next few months.

Novate, CA man did not know that on Thanksgiving, that he would soon be in a life-and-death battle with a crazed squirrel. An 87 year old man got bloodied, fight a squirrel that terrorized the neighborhood. Gimme yer nuts and no one gets hurt.

• SO this guy in the Bronx rents out his home as a club, where women strip and lick whipped cream off each other. Neighbors are outraged.... that they can't get in.

MUSIC MATTERS

Tommy Emmanuel will blow the top of your head off with this medley. Be careful.. I know from experience that brains are extremely difficult to remove from ceilings. Tommy needs no drummer. Or anybody else for that matter. He comes from Australia but please don't let that affect your impression.

While we're on that musical tangent, enjoy Michelle. The man's a virtuoso.

Tommy going Over the Rainbow.

And I'll close with the master, Jeff Beck, also Over the Rainbow. Look at the smile on his face as he ends....

I would have guessed Star Wars

On Vonnegut

I just read a brief review of Kurt's biography, written by Charles Shields.  The selling point of the article (possibly the book) is that Kurt was not particularly nice or happy.

My bud-in-blogging, Eric (the Noctornal Slacker) recently did a book report on Kurt's Timequake.  We seem to share a love of Kurt's writing, as did many people.

Let's ruminate on this a second.......

1. Does it really matter what kind of person Kurt was?
2. After reading the review, it's pretty obvious why Kurt might have been a bit off.
3. I submit to you that being a bit off is almost a requirement in the arts.

Quite frankly I never put together much of an opinion on what kind of person Kurt was.  I was happy to enjoy his output. 

I do admit to wondering what might be wrong with Kurt, specifically concerning the time-hopping exercises in his books.  My wife and I wonder if he had multiple personality disorder; it would certainly explain the time-hopping.  She loved his writing and said it made perfect sense to her.

If nothing else, the man certainly had a right to a bit of post-traumatic stress disorder.

As for being a bit off, I spent many years in comedy and rock and roll.  My observation was that comics, as a rule, were among the more miserable human beings I had ever met.  Pain transforms into comedy; both the performer and the audience win.

As a guitar player, performing in front of people is the cheapest and most effective therapy I can imagine.  It has the added benefit of not requiring precertification, copays, or an hour in the waiting room.

And what do we have left?  The legacy of Kurt's writing.