If it requires Dancers, it ain't Music

I'm sick. Again. Lemme tell you bout it.

I was minding my own business when I breathed in and heard all sorts of other noises that should not accompany breathing. I felt like the Addams Family; Morticia's sister Ophelia could sing 3 part harmony at once. Well, this was the closest I was going to get to it anyway. It was like a cough combined with a wheeze combined with a tin whistle, all at once. This should have alerted me something was up, but I try not to pay close attention to stuff my body's trying to tell me. It's never good news, ya know?

Within a day or 3, I started hacking up a lung, along with the accompanying noise, which was enough to scare politicians off legislation for their own pay raises. At about this point, I noticed that even my hair hurt. Arm hair, head hear, whatever hair - it hurt. So it would start out with front of body hair, ouch, then reacting by backing up hair. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, and errrrrr.

They tell you to look at the stuff you bring up and if it's colorful, that's a problem. This stuff was colorful, to the tune of some sort of disgusting dark green, with a touch of Jackson Pollack. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, hack.

The Mystery Illness also played havoc with my sleep because I couldn't get a clear nostril for breathing. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, Snore. I knew if I didn't get it fixed, I'd be sleeping in the basement, but politely.

So I was a zombie, terribly tired, and would fall halfway asleep anywhere that wasn't my bed. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, hack, Snore. After I few days I became tired of this and asked if we shouldn't pay a visit to the hospital. This was my error, either that or the triage result for not breathing came somewhat lower than sneezing. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, hack, masked hack. I was beginning to warn Wife that if I passed out, she should go get someone to look at me, as it had been four hours. We got one of those nice rooms, right outside the hallway from other rooms. I told them they couldn't charge me for a room if I didn't sit in one. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, hack, mask Splotch, beeping.

After some testing and constant ringing of room bells, they decided it was viral, hence would have to work its own way though. You know, I had been treating the symptoms for a week, so I didn't find too much value in a professional opinion. Since the illness had made me feel like I had been dead for a week, I was looking for more of a solution that involved prescription medicines, or at least involving a lot of Yoo Hoo. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, hack, mask Splotch, beeping. Snore.

Because of the viral mess, I have temporarily lost my sense of taste. I hate my body, as do many others. When I can't taste, I start eating stuff I don't like, out of spite. Lots of stinky cheese!

=====================

So I was left to treat the symptoms. I'd get up in the morning, treat the symptoms, then get up the next morning, and treat the symptoms. It was kind of a Symptomatic Treatment with no Point. At least I assumed my new identity as Mucus Man. It's a shame mucus can't fuel a car - I'd be rich.

After a week of treating symptoms, I became tired and weary and called my doctor. He described precisely the conditions of the Emergency Room and did his own exam. We decided on some prescription medicines, which always makes people feel better. NOTE: do not take antibiotics just for fun; only for the correct infection. Antibiotics are losing efficacy because they're randomly overprescribed.

So I continued to treat the symptoms (these symptoms gotta go, perhaps buried in some landfill in New Jersey). I got an inhaler, for the first time in my life. I'd start telling people I had some sort of horrible lung disease, but I rarely leave the house and people don't terrify as easily as they used to. On the positive side, the inhaler is famous; I can tell because it has plenty of commercials, all day long, with people singing and dancing and being stupid on purpose.

Aside from the Mucus Minders, I find it odd that the only medicine that has any definite effect is ibuprofen (generic Advil). It gets rid of headaches, fevers, and threatens mucus, like the guys who operate New Jersey landfills. I think the conspiracy here is that Big Pharma<tm> has nothing to compete with ibuprofen, so it's the only thing that works. This does not stop them from coming out with more and more expensive Pills That Don't Work.

One of the weirdest side effects of the sickness is on sleep. If I go to bed early, I wake up refreshed, only to find that I've just slept a total of 2 hours and can't get back to sleep. Going to bed early seems to cause less sleep - it makes perfect sense. And I cough a lot. Nothing much comes of it, but I can clear a waiting room faster than one of my own jokes. But I know it's serious when I have no desire to eat. On my deathbed, I'll be demanding ice cream, so not wanting any is worrisome. 

Wife was amazing through all of this. She, ever hypervigilant, would watch me in bed, to see if I stopped breathing. I never understood if not breathing was a good thing or not, so I didn't ask. I could run an Abrams tank through the room and over the bed without waking her. But if I coughed once, she wanted to know if I was ok and could she get me anything. Fight with your spouse all you want, but this is where the rubber meets the sidewalk.

So after 3 weeks of this crap, I'm still coughing, still have minor fevers, still Mr. Mucus, and still don't sleep right. I consider this all a success. A grave success. 

And after asking around, I start to wonder about this. Many seem to have this ailment, whatever it is. Some were diagnosed with the Flying AIDS, some not (me). But the symptoms and length seem to go on forever, with no meds actually helping. Makes one wonder....

Stay well.

My Hovercraft Remains Full of Eels

 Your love is like  a bone graft

Nothing fills me with joy and hope for humanity more than discovering Americans Idle is in its 19th season. Except that the bigger, better show is The Masked Furry. Rome is burning - who's fiddlin'? 

The CDC, always correct damn near all the time, said to end the hygiene theater. The Flying AIDS is spread through the air - stop sending Clorox stock through the roof.

America's Doctor, Dr. Fauci, will send out a statement disagreeing with this, in 5..4..3..2..1..

Now if we can only get rid of Security Theater at the airports.

Headline: Death Row Inmate Dies

U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen on Monday urged the adoption of a minimum global corporate income tax, an effort to at least partially offset any disadvantages that might arise from the Biden administration’s proposed increase in the U.S. corporate tax rate. 

This appears to be a band aid for countries easing taxes on businesses.

1. Who is any country to levy taxes on other countries?
2. Why not go after the cause of the problem?
3. We're a One World Government, a-comin down the tracks

The ACLU is now sharing your info with Faceyspaces.

You can opt-out but you have to look for it.

The ACLU has done some great work, like them or not. This is not.

Today I identify as  axle grease

NATIONWIDE KETCHUP SHORTAGE

The country is in major panic.

People are taking off their masks and running into stores to find the precious red substance.

People may have to stop putting it on hot dogs and lunchmeat (a sick practice)

• Hollywood, soon to be back in business, is writing its first major picture as we speak: Covid 2 - This Time it's Also Fatal. If this is successful, you guessed it: Covid III - Mutated, Immune to the Shots

Today's Question: if someone with bipolar disorder is out of meds, can they consume lithium grease?

The Vatican has been digging a secret tunnel in Jerusalem in order to exhume King David's DNA and resurrect the Messiah, a rabbi has claimed.

This should be interesting...

He's my messiah.

No, he's my messiah. 

George Bush said God spoke to him personally. Maybe he can ask God what's up with this.

COMMENTATOR: In this corner, weighing 1,000 tons of treasure, is the Catholic Church. Tell us about the Church, Bob.

COLOR COMMENTATOR: Well, the church isn't as popular as it once was, owing to the decline in organized religion, and the worldwide coverup of child molestation. They still have almost unlimited resources and have long been the heavyweight favorite.

COMMENTATOR: in the far corner is Israel. 

COLOR: Long the underdog, Israel is a furious fighter, with missiles second only to the US. And Ralph, this is going to be a difficult one; bringing about the messiah. Especially when every mother thinks their son is the messiah.

Catholics believe that Jesus Christ was the son of God and the Messiah predicted to come and save the world from its sins in the Old Testament, and are holding out for his Second Coming one day.

However, believers in Judaism don't believe Jesus was the son of God, and are still waiting for the first coming of the Messiah. 

COLOR: So we have a fundamental difference of opinion here, Ralph, which should make for an interesting fight. I have to admit a tiny bit of skepticism here, over the claim that the Church is trying to get King David's DNA to build a clone to fool people into believing he's the Messiah. That's some dirty pool.

COMMENTATOR: Indeed, Bob. Indeed.

• LG is quitting the phone market
• bummer - they were a great alternative. I've had 2.

30 year old Soviet TV adaptation of Lord of the Rings surfaces on YouTube

Comrade, I look for ring

No, ring is for all peoples

Putin: ring is for me. I am President for Life

Speaking of which, Russian physicians studying why opponents of Vladimir "the Impaler" Putin always develop fatal diseases have suddenly ended their study. The verdict is that they were incorrect, everything is fine, and they apologize most humbly and sincerely to Mr. Putin.

• I just got a big-ass bag of caramel M&Ms. It says 'sharing size'.
• do I have to share? 

Mrs. Sri Lanka suffered head injuries after her crown was seized by a rival seeking her disqualification. 

Now this is what we like to see - the ratings will go through the roof!  All we need is to add Donald Trump and the ratings will top Americans Idle.

Chick fight!

• Many people are getting really upset about AI and facial recognition because it doesn't identify black people. Ummm..... let's think about this for a minute... isn't the goal in a free society to not be identified? I'd be damn happy about it. 

I didn't think this was going to be a bad time, but AAA is really making my head spin. Day One they tried to start, failed, then had to order a tow. Day Two I had to call and they said 'it was next'. Day Three they called with a list of suggested repairs. No. The battery price was obscene. Granted, I haven't purchased a battery in a while, but it was well under $100 and I installed it myself. This time it was pushing $200. JFC. Next time I'll know - buy and install privately. JFC.

They recommended a few other services, like those oil change places:

• one windshield wiper was starting to streak
• the animanicapistan was on the fritz
• three oil changes, because the battery died
• nose hair adjustment, because the battery died
• and the required air filter change because the battery died. the labor for replacing the air filter is $400. Any malady with any car will require an air filter, even if you just replaced it the prior day.
• the battery is guaranteed for 6 years, which is a lot longer than the car

This car is like that movie with the odd little lady and the girl who went 'into the tv' (Poltergeist?). The father character, Craig T Nelson, had a bit of an adversarial relationship with his station wagon. He gave it to the (American) indian character, whereupon it worked flawlessly. This car really doesn't like Mrs. lefty. Four other people have driven it and look at her like she's nuts because it works fine for them. She's terrified to drive it more than 2 miles. It misbehaves terribly - stopping, barely running, chugging, and parking itself in front of shoe stores. I've never heard of the last one, but Mrs. lefty does not lie.  What this means is that it's going to become 'my' car, and she gets to drive the nice new one. Smart woman. 

This may be the largest topic ever (not) covered on this blog: sleep 

Sleep info is relatively easy to come by, and is wrong only about 99% of the time.

My mom always said to get as much sleep as possible.

I find the more I sleep, the more tired I am. If I get over 6 hours, I'm dragging.

The 'authorities' say to get a lot of sleep. 

Some 'experts' say you have a sleep deficit. I can sleep 22 hours Friday and Saturday nights. These were the same experts who said to get the same amount of sleep every night. This led to Zombie Weekends, with or without alcohol-fueled mayhem.

No matter what they say, they're wrong. Or my body laughs at them. My body, like most of me, laughs at everyone.

If I get 4 hours of sleep, I'm fine, and good for technical and car racing tasks.

If I get 6 hours of sleep, I'm fine, and can get through work fairly asleep.

If I get 8 hours of sleep, I drag, and probably shouldn't try to fill up the car.

If I get 10 hours of sleep, I need 4 naps. Sex is fine, because that part never sleeps.

If I get 12 hours of sleep, I stay in bed because I'm too tired to get out. I start remembering dreams, which is not a good thing, if you've ever seen my dreams.

If I get 3 hours of sleep, I'm much better with small, intricate tasks, provided I'm not given small, intricate tasks. I'm more alive and focused, whatever that means. My camera is focused, not my person. Besides, people with ADD can't focus.

Although several units of excessive time are getting out of bed, starting to put socks on, and putting the 2nd sock on. You just sit there, in space somewhere. It's difficult to move. Not to mention the loud shriek every morning you hear the alarm. OH NO! NOOOOOOOO! JUST KILL ME NOW. THAT WASN'T 5 HOURS. BUT THE DOG WAS SNORING ALL NIGHT. 

Sleep: you're never gonna get enough. 

The latest Flying AIDS silliness is about handshaking and touch....

"The pandemic forced us to stop hugging, shaking hands: that's not necessarily a bad thing"

Please.

If you don't like to touch people, fine.

The pic (and the concept) is hysterical.

I guess the Boob Exam and the Genital Rub are out.

500 million + records leaked

Moo Goo Gai Guitar

My office has a fan. My living room has air conditioning. This means the dog has air conditioning and I don't. Which one is smarter than the other?


University ordered to stop running women-only job ads.
Yes, it's discrimination.


It was a few hours before work ended. I was tired. Not the end of day tired - this was full-blown Heavy Nappy Time tired.  The kind of tired where your pot of coffee needs a pot of coffee. Your neck muscles get a heavy workout, just keeping your head up. You're lucky to fake that you're awake.

As 5 o'clock approaches, you find you're actually more awake. This is an entire science that you don't want to bother with - take my word. Wouldn't this be better sponsored by NASCAR?

It's a wonderful day here in Pennsylvania; it's 90 degrees, with 80% humidity. Much nicer than yesterday. We're waiting for lefty to leave the office and the crowd is louder than normal. I see the office door opening, and it's lefty. The crowd gives him their typical fart under the armpit salute and he's taking an early, unscheduled pit stop. It looks like something from our sponsor, Snapple. A smart napper trusts his crew but checks anyway: yes, the air conditioner is on. The couch is free, the wife is out, probably shopping, and the coast is clear.   The crowd starts getting louder as he approaches the couch.

Jim, this is the most recent approach to the couch we've ever seen.

He's got the couch in his sights- the look on his face tells it all...

Eh, Richard Petty had a look on his face when he had to go to the bathroom.

He has shut the living room lights off and removed the dog from the couch [crowd cheers]. The temperature is just about right for this kind of napping.

Interesting fact, Jim... this is what was thought by the 17th Soviet Antarctic Expedition, led by Yevgeny Korotkevich.

lefty stopped to pick up a single piece of debris - looks like a sale flyer from a shoe store. Or a dog toy. Moves a cushion over to make a comfy pillow and it looks like he's good to go. [major crowd noise]

Eh, Jim, it's a fact that spaghetti is not Italian - it's Chinese.

He's taking his special Side Sleeping Position, which drives the crowd crazy. He looks like he's finally resting and... oh no.. it's the phone. lefty developed an almost eerie ability to ignore the phone because Mrs lefty likes to leave it by his head when she's not in the room, or the house.

The phone was invented by Alexander Graham Bell, also the inventor of Graham Footballs, which didn't go as well.

The crowd whispers in hushed tones, as lefty appears to be drifting off yet again.... BANG BANG BANG - yes, it's the door. Someone's at the door. No, we don't need any windows, of any type, thank you.

Back for his 3rd time, this looks like it could be the one! The crowd stares intently. LOOK - he's going for the flat on the back technique! The roar of the crowd can be heard in California (where the governor has banned crowd roaring). Wait.. his breathing is slowing.....

Jim, my wife won't sleep with me.

In spite of his left leg twitching like Jenna Jameson, he's OUT! Yes, he's asleep.
The crowd certainly got what it came for on this hot and humid day, like all the other hot and humid days. lefty planned on 30 minutes, but from the looks of things, it's going to be closer to an hour. His crew is waiting with the Snapple and some chocolate chocolate chip cookies. His couch is clear, except for the dog, who's sleeping on his head, and his wife is still out shopping. Come back next week for the lefty 500, in which lefty sleeps the entire night through. They said it couldn't be done.

Jim, what's this red spot here????




What you need to know out the airborne transmission of COVID-19You need to know that airborne Flying AIDS is this week's PANIC item and again, they have no idea what they're doing. It can fly, then it waits by your door for you to come out and play again.


Ringo Starr is 80.
Ponder that.


Odd Justice:
Mary Kay Letourneau, who raped and became pregnant by an underage school child, went to jail. She had another child with the child, whose friends wore his hands down from slapping him 5, and has died from cancer. We can't decide whether it's divine retribution or she knew Jeffrey Epstein.



SJW Silliness Anew

Oracle sued by a shareholder who alleges its lack of progress in diversity amounts to 'dishonesty'

When Facebook says you're not a good 'culture fit', it means you're not White or Asian enough – complaint

Service Elephants and the Grinch Who Stole my Tires

Much has been written and said about sleep, most of it wrong.
Ever since I was a little monster (I'm a bigger monster now), I tried to find out how sleep worked. It generally worked wonderfully - I hit the pillow and slept til I got up. Then I noticed that I always woke up tired, regardless of how much sleep I got. I asked friends, family, doctors, and pr0n stars; all had different answers, none seemed correct.

Now that I'm married, the search goes on; interestingly enough, with a woman who has the mother of all sleep disorders. Neither of us can figure it out. Because of her sleep disorder, I developed the ability to sleep through a small nuclear detonation, a 44lb dog standing on my chest and circling around, a 23lb dog licking my face and and stealing the covers, and various sentient entities jumping into and falling out of the bed. We both seem to come up with the same conclusion: the less we sleep, the easier we get up and the better we feel. Naturally this is counter to everything we've been told.

If I get 7 hours, I'm tired. If I get 5 hours, I'm ok. On the weekend I can get between 6 and a lot more hours of sleep, and the more I get, the more tired I am. Sometimes it's all I can do to get from the bed to the couch, then I'm ready for my first nap of the day.

We also noticed that at no point do we feel like getting up when the alarm goes off. This is a universal truth. After all this Science, I discovered one truth/trick that is 100% effective, regardless of how much sleep you get: waking up to discover you're a few hours late for work gets you right up out of bed, with no time to be tired (or yawn). It even puts off the need for coffee, for a good few minutes or so.


SpaceX launched 60 Starlink satellites.

Tomorrow's radio news:  On I-95, Lane 1 is moving quickly, but remember - it's an HOV lane.  Somewhat north, Starlink 47 will come dangerously close to Spy Satellite 33  an American communications satellite at about 8:30, which will cause quite a backup. Stay away from Starlink 27 - it has been hijacked by China and doesn't fly too well. Also, if you see Starlink 53, it has gone rogue. Call Space Force, but do not approach it - it hides behind Russian satellites and fires lasers.  Lastly, Russia's Sputnik 1,295 has been cautioned for getting too close to Space Force's satellites, allegedly to mess with their location software.



Did you you know that the president can shut down all US communications?
Linked is a highly biased article, focusing on Trump and an FCC commissioner who wants to block it. If the law existed earlier, I don't remember this being discussed about any of Trump's predecessors. California used this recently, to shut down communications around a subway. While the FCC commissioner is absolutely correct, do you honestly think this will be repealed? Even Congress wanted a shutoff switch. National Security is the answer to almost every encroachment, but I'm going to support the FCC here (just once). Do you think, for a minute, that any president would fail to take advantage of this? Look at Egypt and Iraq.



FACEYSPACES NEWS

$550 million settlement reached in facial recognition suit (in Illinois)

New "Off-Faceyspaces Activity' portal lets you know where you're being followed.  Worth a read.

"If you would not confront your neighbor and demand his money at the point of a gun to solve every new problem that may appear in your life, you should not allow the government to do it for you." ~ William E. Simon

My darling dog does some interesting things, most of which can't be explained.
One is standing between the two of us, barking at Mrs lefty when she talks to me, when we're 15' apart. It's not a threatening bark at all. A cynic would say she's protecting me from my wife's talking. As a cynic, I don't agree, but I'm really curious as to what the behavior is.

The dog also does not grok gravity. Or 'gravity isn't her friend.'
Most dogs I know understand this basic law, but Penny has great difficulty with it. She will jump on the couch with a toy and start chomping on it. It falls out of her mouth, onto the floor. This is apparently like magic to her, and it happens every day. Her reaction is almost human: she stares at the toy, but doesn't want to jump down to get it. She's quite normal in other respects, but how does one teach a dog about gravity? And time travel? And not licking pillows or clothes?

I don't know who needs to hear this, but there's nothing libertarian about fighting to keep a corrupt President in office. - Nicholas Sarwark, Libertarian Party president

Speaking of Trump, he unleashed his Middle East peace plan.
Let's suspend disbelief and say it's successful.... what would his opposition do?

• say it was Obama's idea originally
• complain that he was saving it to get re-elected
• state that the plan endangers the Egyptian sand flea and should be rejected
• Hillary would call it an act of war and insist on bombing somebody. Anybody.
• Cheney would invite him to go hunting (sponsored by Martin Marietta)
• ask how to add Peace to articles of impeachment
• shut down all communications so nobody hears about it

Speaking of coronavirus, a cartoonist in Denmark drew up a panel with China's flag, where the 5 stars had been replaced by coronavirus.  China's enbassy blew a gasket and called it "an insult to China," demanding an apology. Denmark blew its nose in China's general direction, stating free speech. This paper also pissed off muslims with a prophet Muhammad cartoon, causing Great Unrest.

Denmark sounds fun.

• Are you on social media? In an argument (they're the same thing)? Great article on a former FBI agent discussing Trolling for Profit. The people you're arguing with might not be people, or might be one paid troll with many accounts, pushing an agenda.

Baltimore, the city that got ransomware that shut down networks, that the incompetent city IT people didn't back up, wants to give out rebates for the purchase of Ring doorbells and do nightly air surveillance.  Gee, it sounds like their priorities are in order....

In any discussion of "should feminists believe X or not-X?" the answer is always "both". Because feminism isn't an ideology, or a movement, but a battle between groups of privileged women over how women should correctly behave    - @pornpanic

• Criminals have used Grammy-winning songs by Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, and others to carry viruses.   No one over 13 affected.

Today I identify as   ground beef



 I've long held that we should leave the UN. If you would like to know some of the reasons, check out this article. Aside from those points, we have the rule of law - we're a sovereign nation. Why should any entity be allowed to interfere with this?

• Today's ticketing suggesting algorithm screwup: Frankie Valli advance tickets!

Heroes of the Stupid   

PETA says Punxsutwaney Phil should be replaced with AI groundhog

apparently they're upset they haven't been in the news lately...

Andrew Yang (D-Neptune) "Overdose patients should be sent to mandatory treatment centers for three days to convince them to seek long-term treatment"
Bernie Sanders added "Treatment will be free!"

New York State, in a serious attempt to out-stupid California, is now mandating "Stargazing Permits" for looking at the sky.



Swamp Gas Rides Again!
Colorado experienced a large fleet of drones, each appearing about 6' long. Police came in, government agencies collaborated with each other, and no one knew whose they were. Finally it was deemed 'mass hysteria.'  Sorry, guys.. you tried this one earlier.  One of the people who saw a drone was the captain of an airliner who said it flew too close to his plane. He must've been part of mass hysteria too. Here's how you find out whose drone it is: shoot it down and see who comes a-knockin.



SJW Sports

University of California Berkeley apologized for saying xenophobia was a normal reaction to Coronavirus.

Don't Try Walking - It Never Turns Out Well

Do you use an android phone or tablet?
Here's the ultimative (sic) collection of free and open source android apps.
The main way to go about this is to install F-Droid. It's an alternate store for android apps. They're all free and open-source. They don't host shitware and they are very reliable and safe. I think F-Droid is available via the Play Store. The list lists the best of the F-Droid software.

• Ubuntu invites Win 7 users with linux switch guides
• how-to for people who haven't

It's 22 years after the Phoenix Lights.
In 22 years, we have no solution to the case.
Twenty Two years.
If something that large hovered over a city, most would consider it rather important and possibly a threat to national security. No word on that at all.

There was a 1-2 mile craft hovering over the city of Phoenix, with thousands of people as witnesses.

The military bases in the area all claimed they had nothing in the air.
Later on, one base 'remembered' they had planes dropping flares. These were found to be dropping flares over the Barry Goldwater range. These was the official excuse for the Phoenix Lights. The problem here is that flares don't fall in locked manner that looks like an object, over an area that wasn't the Barry Goldwater range. The lights were from the 1-2 mile craft.

In theory, our monitoring technology (radar, etc) should have seen this craft, from the moment it appeared, whether from space (NORAD) or locally. Did they detect it? Are the radar results available via asking or FOIA (Freedom of Information Act)?

Also mentioned was a feeling of calm. No panic, during or after.
It happened twice.


22 years.
That seems like it would be important, as National Security goes.
Assumptions: it was a test of our technology; it was not seen on radar; it was from Elsewhere and they are afraid to release any info.


I wonder if it would have been handled differently had it appeared over Washington, DC.



Dear lefty

• Why do you continue to do this?
• my page hits went from 6 to 30 or 128.
• to get chicks

• David Hogg should marry Greta Thunberg.
• Ultimately the marriage would fail when they realize they're both white, therefore part of the problem.

As bad as the Ring camera privacy debacle is, their app sends your data up the line too. Don't install this crap. WWLD: before you install anything, ask yourself What Would lefty Do?

• Nearly half of Americans didn't go outside to recreate in 2018
• Let's get that good old American spirit going to best this in 2020! We cannot afford to fail on the world stage.

Senator Edward Markey (D-Mass) called on Tesla to adopt "common sense recommendations" in Autopilot driver assist to "guarantee the safety of its technology."  Hopefully "common sense recommendations" aren't the same ones going up against the 2nd Amendment. I think the man is unreasonable, demanding Tesla inform customers that it is self-driving, and to install a driver-monitoring system.

The govt never met anything they couldn't make worse with legislation; usually involving monitoring.

Allow me to state a universal axiom of marketing: sales will go to hell if your product literally drives people into walls.  As everything on Earth somehow relates to Monty Python, there's the sketch about the Whizzo (chocolate) Assortment, where the police come to a confectioner to discuss Crunchy Frog: "But if we take the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy."

• The Electronic Frontiers Foundation is fighting a law that would make it a felony to encourage illegal aliens to enter or remain in the US. The definition of free speech includes speech with which you disagree. Although I disagree with illegal aliens, it's still free speech. If I don't fight for their free speech, there will be nobody to fight for mine.

The other night we had our single splurge for the week: our favorite restaurant. As you can tell, we spend tons of money on luxuries. While perusing the menu, the waitress came up and said hello. She sounded nice. When I looked up from the menu, I noticed the waitress had a full beard, which is one too many beards for any waitress. I didn't see that coming. After dinner, Mrs lefty said she thought the same thing upon hearing his voice. Great waiter.



Watching tv online is always interesting and frequently surprising. I found a Smithsonian channel, which is a great one to watch. Upon watching, the Smithsonian staff had done wonders with their uniforms. Someone mislabeled the channel: instead of science, it looked like a very intimate Sports Illustrated bikini shoot. Impossibly perfect women, wearing impossible small garments for the viewers' impossible satisfaction. Each was more attractive than the previous one. It actually hurt to watch it, so I went back to looking for science channels.

• Faceyspaces rolls out new privacy tool
• Hopefully it works better than the NSA's

Today I identify as   Wite Out

Wite out was invented by Mike Nesmith's (The Monkees) mother.



Remember when Baltimore was hit badly by ransomware?
Legislators will legislate, and there's no exception here.
Maryland proposed legislation will outlaw the possession of malware and prevent researchers from reporting it.
The stupidity is awe-inspiring.
They're passing a law to stop ransomware. Let's examine this, shall we?
It's months ago and ransomware has infected Baltimore. Backups were non-existent, due to incompetent planning and staff, rendering their data gone.
If this law were in place at this time, how would it have prevented the infection?

• If you use Labcorp or Quest for your bloodwork, check your credit card statement. Labcorp just had its second breach.
• Blithering idiots.

Much has been written and said about sleep, most of it wrong.
Ever since I was a little monster (I'm a bigger monster now), I tried to find out how sleep worked. It generally worked wonderfully - I hit the pillow and slept til I got up. Then I noticed that I always woke up tired, regardless of how much sleep I got. I asked friends, family, doctors, and pr0n stars; all had different answers, none seemed correct.

Now that I'm married, the search goes on, interestingly enough, with a woman who has the mother of all sleep disorders. Neither of us can figure it out. Because of her sleep disorder, I developed the ability to sleep through a small nuclear detonation, a 44lb dog standing on my chest and circling around, a 23lb dog licking my face and and stealing the covers, and various sentient entities jumping into and falling out of the bed. We both seem to come up with the same conclusion: the less we sleep, the easier we get up and the better we feel. Naturally this is counter to everything we've been told.

If I get 7 hours, I'm tired. If I get 5 hours, I'm ok. On the weekend I can get between 6 and a lot more hours of sleep, and the more I get, the more tired I am. Sometimes it's all I can do to get from the bed to the couch, then I'm ready for my first nap of the day.

We also noticed that at no point do we feel like getting up when the alarm goes off. This is a universal truth. After all this Science, I discovered one truth/trick that is 100% effective, regardless of how much sleep you get: waking up to discover you're a few hours late for work gets you right up out of bed, with no time to be tired (or yawn). It even puts off the need for coffee, for a good few minutes or so.

• The Great Surveillance Society continues its march to 1984: 40 colleges using phone apps to track students.
• In 10 years, surveillance will start in kindergarden, with chips implanted in the kids' heads.

SJW Stirrings

"Please only fill out this survey if you identify as a Person of color," it read. Answers "will be used to inform our white colleagues about privilege and microaggression."   - Pete Buttigieg campaign staff


Yale will eliminate a beloved introductory art class for being too white, male, western.

A loyal reader suggested we can't make this stuff up. The people who do throw darts at subjects and string them together to come up with new stuff.


Reminder that private messages of support is another form of white supremacy.  -  @sairasameerarao

Here Comes the Noise Again

I like to tell people we live in a nice, quiet neighborhood, right up until we moved in, but that's not correct. We're pretty quiet too, surprisingly. We only have odd bursts of noise, like the TRASH TRUCKS. There are three of them, plus both sides of the street, so we get treated to six trucks stopping at every house, with all the noise involved, up and down the block, for as long as we can hear them. Plus the lady who blows her #*@&ing horn at 7:05 every morning for no known reason, perhaps rudely picking up some brat or other. And the mailman, who Marshall used to bark at. Marshall's getting older and isn't always aware that his mortal enemy is coming up the steps, but once a day or so, Marshall sits on his own steps and barks at someone or something I can't see.

I love Marshall but...

Speaking of trash, if you care to look, you can tell which neighbors are retired or not working by their Trash Patterns.  What are Trash Patterns, you ask?? Glad you asked. Trash Patterns are when they put the trash cans to the curb and when they move them back to the house.

It is said that good neighbors take care of each other but this was never more apparent than when my wife started to let loose that she knew an awful lot about the comings and goings of the neighbors. The guy across the street must be sick, because he goes to work every morning at 7:17 and his car has been in his garage all week. Next door usually goes to church every morning but hasn't the past two days - I hope she's ok. There's a Monty Python sketch about this (there's a Monty Python sketch about everything, as it should be), with two women running the equivalent of the early 1970's NSA in their apartment, one reporting what she sees and the other bringing it up on one of their monitors. My wife needs no monitors.. she can tell everything from sitting on the step or just looking out the window. She also catalogs the dogs that walk by and sometimes their owners. It's weird but consistent that people always remember the names of the dog but not always their owner.  "Hey, remember Max's mom? She's having surgery this week. I forget her name."

Let me wander back to Trash Patterns. The Crazy Lady, who recently celebrated her 439th birthday, puts her trash out the night before collection. My wife can tell you what time, but no doubt it's militarily consistent. In the span between 6.7 and 9.6 minutes after the trash trucks have left, The Crazy Lady emerges from her hole and drags each humongous can back to the safety of her Can Spot. I know she has a Can Spot but dare not make a note of where. Then there's the old retired dude across the street, who in spring and summer camps out on his lawn with coffee and a lounger, waiting for the trucks to come. As soon as they've driven down the street, he marches out, also with military precision, and puts them perfectly back in their place, because everything has a place to ensure Order. This dude either needs a hobby or is desperate to get away from his wife, thus turning trash into a multi-hour escapade, after which he goes back inside and cleans off his hand tools, that haven't been used since the last time he cleaned them.

But I digress. Always.

• The doctor asked me if I have any trouble sleeping. NOPE. Sleeping is something I'm very good at. No problem there, Doc.

Yahoo announced another breach. This is in addition to the last breach they announced. Just in case, change any Yahoo passwords you have. Better yet, close them. Yahoo needs to get their act together, perhaps starting with some heads rolling.

• In Merry Olde England, a Coca Cola delivery to a theater was canceled after a huge brawl. The truck (lorry in England) pulled up to the theater to deliver his soda and parked. A traffic warden objected to the parking location and let the driver know. The driver protested that he had all his paperwork. The warden said there would be no room for emergency vehicles, at which point the driver let him know that there was enough space on either side of the truck to park a small army. The warden was not impressed and started 'waving a finger with intent to scorn.' I love that phrase. The violence in the waving and scorning is most apparent. After this, the warden's hat was knocked off.
• For some reason known only to the warden, the warden began throwing cans of soda out of the lorry. Within minutes, more wardens arrived. Glass started breaking. Four riot vans arrived. All in all, fourteen people were involved in The Great Soda Riot of 2016. Presumably it was difficult to purchase soda at the theater ($7.95 each) and the had to settle for tea ($6.95).

Continuing our International Flair, the Chileans are in an uproar because a Cabinet minister received a blowup doll as a present. I truly wish this was the United States' biggest issue. Blowup dolls for everyone!

• Police in Mt Laurel, NJ, received a call about four suspicious donkeys behind a house. Apparently this was not a common sight, as the non-specific donkeys don't get reported.

Just in time for Christmas, a Tacoma, WA, elementary school's satan club opened. Naturally there were protests. The best quote from the protesters was, 

“These 5-year-old children are very impressionable; if you have an adult come in and talk about Satan, they’re going to be harmed by that."  

Make no mistake, the First Amendment states that this is a no-no. Period. But some judges decide on a 'compromise,' where all religions are allowed to participate. Lately this pattern ends right after the satanists put on their display. At this point, the Christians decide to tear the satanists' display down when nobody's looking and then reconsider their standpoint on anybody doing this on government grounds.

Hillary

huntin. Yes, women all over the neighborhood are going into the woods, hopeful for a Hillary sighting. Unconfirmed rumors state that the RNC is raising funds to lay bear traps. Here's Freddy, the largest dog in the world. The Great Dane stands 7'1" on his rear paws, which is a really silly way to measure a dog. Aside from being tall, Freddy also went through 23 couches. Although Guinness certifies Freddy as the largest dog, there is no word on whether he has the record for Couch Destruction.

Today's information breach occurred at PayAsUGym, further proving there's absolutely no value to exercise and in most cases, it's dangerous. 300,000 accounts were affected.

Academics at Oxford University are being offered therapy in case they've been disturbed by their research. Perhaps it's time to wall off a section of the blog, to be called The Snowflake Report.

• For those of you considering a vacation this holiday season, here's a bit of text from an FAA.gov summary: Please reboot your Boeing 787 at most, every 21 days. Otherwise it might reboot while in flight. Do not run your plane on Windows.

Who Was That Masked Woman?

As summer starts to heat up here in the humidity capital of the east coast, one's fancy naturally turns to sleep.

And sleep was what I was trying to do the other night.  Sleep was somewhat impaired by the sound of heavy construction equipment being operated by my wife.  Most people refer to this as snoring.

Normally it takes me a few rounds of poking and prodding to get the Snoring Follies to stop.  This night was no different.  I thought the task would be a little easier because of the warm body pressed against my back, so I shook, trying to jar her out of her snoring frenzy.  No luck.

Again I shook, nay, jerked.  And again, the snoring continued unabated.

So I turned to the warm body, intent on making my point more pointedly, only to notice that the warm body belonged to the dog.  The wife was snoring, all the way over on her seventy-five percent of the bed.

When we rescued Marshall, no one warned me that he liked to spoon.

The Joes Are Sloppy with This One

My wife has a problem with Sloppy Joes.

It's not so much eating them as making them.  The past two times have turned out really ugly and last night was no exception.

A very important point here is that my wife is a very wise, well-educated woman, capable of anything.  Well, almost anything.

Last year we were scheduled for Sloppy Joes so my wife went ahead and made them.  When I went to eat one, I noticed a certain lack of texture.  As it turned out, she had forgotten to put the actual beef in the sloppy joe mix.  We got sauce, onions and spice but no beef.

Boy was she red.

Last night I personally fetched the beef and left it out to defrost at her request, so I knew we were not going to be in for vegan sloppy joes again.

When I went to get some of the sloppy delicacy, I immediately noticed something missing.  No, the meat was there, as was the sauce.   This time there were no onions or additional spices.  And we spice everything.

I asked about the onions politely, so as not to seem ungrateful.  She allowed as to how she hadn't put any onion in and why hadn't I asked for it.

Well, she had something of a point there; I hadn't asked for it.  I had only taken out the onion and left it next to the pan.

Next up was the missing spice.  I asked even more gingerly, so as to avoid flying cookwear (and possibly pets).  Nope, no extra spice.

One of the kids took a bite, immediately pronounced the Joes SUCKY and stated that mine were better.

I suggested my wife take this up with one of her doctors, as this is obviously an issue.  Maybe she was attacked with a can of Sloppy Joe sauce when she was little or something.

=======================================

I like to think of myself as entertaining (hence this blog).   Making people laugh is one of life's highest callings, at least for me.

My dear wife informs me that, entertaining as I am, I am much more entertaining asleep.  Apparently I put on quite the show: laughing, crying, dancing and telling jokes.  Unfortunately she had never been able to understand any of what I was saying other than the gist of what was going on.

Until the other night.

She worries endlessly about me, apparently making my sleep antics sometimes quite upsetting.  The other night I was upset about something and she finally managed to make it out:

Honey....

Honey...

BOOBIES!

I am told she didn't know whether to hit me with furniture or laugh hysterically.  Fortunately for me, she chose the latter.

I can't imagine for the life of me why she should be surprised that I, or for that matter, any male, uttered those words.  Seems perfectly normal to me, awake or asleep.

======================================

Meanwhile I am faced with a dilemma: I need shorts.  The PA summer weather is in full force, meaning that the temperatures are in the nineties, the humidity in the eighties and every day we're treated to thunderstorms.

While I am still not over the Great Sock Crisis, today we must unfortunately examine shorts.   As you might guess, the issues with both are the same: length.

Rest assured I do not want to be one of those creepy guys in Speedos.  You will never see that (thankfully).  But I have certain standards for shorts, largely that they do not come to or over my knees.  Unfortunately one cannot purchase shorts that do not come to or cover the knees, so I'm kinda screwed.  To make matters worse, shorts are so wide I refer to them as Multi-Person Pants.

Until recently I have gotten through this crisis by purchasing swim trunks, which, of course, do not come to my knees or cover them.  Unfortunately I have started to get grief and funny looks (moreso) from friends and total strangers.  My wife assures me this has to do with the lack of length of my swim trunks, plus it's apparently wrong to wear swim trunks instead of shorts.

Don't ask me - I'm still in the dark over the apparent silly height of my socks.

My wife plans to go shopping but I dread the outcome.  It's not like I don't want to go with her; it's just that I fully expect to be upset at what we find.  Plus the summer is here, which I am informed means one cannot purchase summer clothes.  If I had wanted shorts, I should have procured them when it was cold, when no one needed them.

I stopped questioning this a long time ago.  If I required things to make sense, I would have shot myself years back.

Battle of/for the Bed [or Sleep-time Territorial Acquisition Games]

Come to think of it, during the years I've been with my wife, I have not had an easy time of getting into bed for various and sundry reasons.  This has to be on the order of eighteen years (which is why I'm better off not thinking about it).

When we first got together, I had my first rescue cocker, Joe Cocker Spaniel.  Joey was seriously deranged and more damaged than any four cockers you would meet in real life.  But he was my dog and really sweet (when he wasn't busy being deranged, of course).  He took to Mrs. leftystrat like a fish to water and in one month was her dog.  Part of being her dog was defending her turf, which largely consisted of the bed.  She went to be first and Joey followed, which apparently came with defending the bed from me when I came up later.  I'd get into bed and hear the soft growling, which rapidly ramped up to full-on defensive barking and Doggie Threatening Behavior<tm>.  This had the opposite effect on me, as the eighteen pound furry thing was threatening the guy who literally pulled him from the death line at the shelter.  Whoever had him before I did should have been shot.

Since the poor little bugger was abused, I tried to patiently let him know it was me, not a burglar, and that I was not going to hurt anybody.  This, of course, totally failed to make itself apparent to him and he continued to threaten me.  Since he would frequently fail to stop growling, I'd pick him up and move him.  The joke, as usual, was on me, as the dog would then submissively wet the bed.  Most of the time my wife slept on, blissfully unaware of the (most recent) chaos surrounding her.

But I was not going to win, one way or the other, in my largely futile battle to simply get in bed and go to sleep.

Fortunately Marshall, the latest rescue, does not defend the bed - at least in that sense of the phrase.  Marshall has developed a fondness for my pillow, to the extent that he's frequently sleeping on it or next to it when I get into bed.  As I get into bed in the dark, I will usually find this out by discovering that my pillow is a lot more fuzzy than I remembered.

Sarcasm is totally lost on cats and mostly lost on spaniels.  When I ask him if I'm in his way, he wags his tail and puts his head back down on the pillow.  When I tell him to move, bright dog that he is, he gets up and moves to the other side of the pillow (well, technically he has obeyed the command).  So I have to tell him to MOVE - NOW and finally he sets himself up on the shelf at the head of the bed or like an umbrella over my wife's head (yeah, another neurotic rescue cocker).

Sometimes, when he is not parked on my pillow, he is at the foot of the bed.  This is a very bad position to find him in, especially in the dark, which is always.  One should never sit on one's pets.  It's even worse with the cat: when I play sit on him, he still doesn't move.  But the cat is not allowed in the bedroom, as when he decides he's hungry, he starts clawing the bed until my wife feeds him or we play Feline Aviation<tm>.

So there I am, in the dark, almost sitting on the dog, when I tell him to GO LAY DOWN.  He obeys immediately and runs right up to lay on my pillow instead.  Repeat MOVING DOG FROM PILLOW TECHNIQUE (above).

SERIOUSLY

You have to appreciate my point of view: I'm very tired, having had a long day.  I just want to get into bed and go to sleep with no aggravation, territorial disputes, or obnoxious noises (or smells).

And that simply ain't gonna happen.

Because if it isn't a quadruped, it's a biped, namely the wife.  Sometimes she likes to Surprise Clean the bedroom, which usually involves rearranging huge piles of clothes (with the help of a small earthmover she keeps parked by her side of the bed).  Unfortunately the cleaning is usually interrupted by something, if not just her attention deficit disorder, and the piles now exist at the foot of the bed.

Unfortunately the foot of the bed is precisely my entrance point for the bed, which results in me finding the huge piles the hard way; in the dark, with me falling over them or onto the bed.

But I don't want to give the impression that my wife is always cleaning (or cleaning at all) or just putting things in my way for her own amusement (although I never hear the telltale chuckling that would prove it beyond a reasonable doubt).   Most of the time she just passively blocks my entry into the arms of Morpheus.

Some long-term sound guy I know observed that all guitarists twirl in one direction, which is borne out by their cords all being twisted into knots in that direction.  What does this have to do with me getting into bed?  My wife is a twirler.  She twirls around with the sheets (in one direction) and wraps herself up like an adorable little burrito.  This of course makes it more difficult to get into bed, as I have to

1. locate the sheets or covers
2. figure out how to obtain some small amount for myself

We tried in earnest to get by this minor impasse using what we thought of as intelligence: we put another sheet on the bed.  My wife trumped intelligence with sleep intelligence: she stole that sheet too and twirled up in it.

When she's not stealing covers, she's taking up the entire bed.  They say data expands to fill available space.  My wife expands to fill up available bed.  If we dumped the queen and went with a king size mattress, she would figure out how to take up most of that.  I would arrive (in the dark) to discover that she had taken up sleeping diagonally.

Last night my dear was sleeping in the middle of the bed, with her legs across my side.   After almost sitting on the dog, I moved to find some space (and kick the dog off my pillow) only to discover that most available space was already taken (in addition to the sheets). 

Have you ever tried to wake up a bulldozer?  It goes like this:

ME:  Honey, you need to move toward your side.
Wife: Umerrrrph...
ME: Honey, you need to move toward your side.
Wife: Umerrrrph...

Apparently there is an involved internal process involved in getting her to do something when she's sleeping.  I don't know what happens but I suspect that there are some internal messengers who write down the missive and begin the long trek to deliver it to my wife.  Eventually they discover her location and deliver the message to her and she's usually quite surprised, not to mention totally confused, by the request.

What feels like ten minutes later, but in reality is only seven minutes, she moves in the proper direction, allowing me to lay in some small space not already occupied by the dog, one of my wife's twenty-seven pillows, or random clothing that mysteriously appears on the bed.  This morning I awoke with a book of matches attached to my buttocks.  I dare not ask.

When obstruction fails (good title for a tv show, no?), there's always Mattress Dancing.  No, it's nowhere near as good as it sounds.  It probably looks like Restless Leg Syndrome (on steriods).   There's much random leg jumping, followed by what I can only describe as some sort of interesting involved internal argument, some twirling, and Random Arm Flinging (I was not born with this nose).

The next issue, which you would know instantly if you were paying attention, is attempting to acquire something with which to cover myself, aka a sheet.  As you will remember, the sheet is wrapped around my bedmate.  After some exploration and further tugging, the messengers manage to reach my wife and she unravels a few layers as a token gesture.

Fully satisfied and completely worn out, I am ready to pass out.   This would normally be a relatively simple effort, if it weren't for the snoring.  Trumpets and drums, construction equipment and small nuclear devices, as well as other sonorous events are marching across the room (and my eardrums).  It's not that I like to wake my wife from her extremely rare slumber (she gave up sleeping for lent about forty years ago), but if I don't get at least four hours per night, I'm no good at my jobs the next day.

HONEY - YOU'RE SNORING.

[long seconds later]  Mmmmrph.

Golden Silence.

Unfortunately at this point, my wife is agitated and up for the night, which sees her vaulting from the bed to begin her nighttime activities while I sleep.

And she always wants to know why I'm crabby when I get into bed.