Juggling Disney

We went to the mall yesterday.
That is usually enough for an entire blog entry, and this did not disappoint.

There are 2 guitar stores there, so there's something for me. And when I say something for me, I mean a place to look at backwards (right handed) guitars and note the extreme non-presence of lefties. I know that it's not economically feasible to carry a ton of lefties, but there are virtually none in most stores. And the ones that are present are starter junk.

The salespersons are sympathetic to my plight, but can't do anything. Some even note they get significant calls for lefties, but have little inventory. It's like ordering a few lefties causes physical pain for Manglement. One can go into Guitar Center and note an absolute ton of guitars there; few if any lefties. It's like the Cheese Shop sketch.

"Yes, we have a lot of guitars."
But I can't find a lefty."
"We have a ton of guitars. This is the best shop in the state."
How do you reckon this?
"We have a ton of guitars. It's a very clean shop."
Well, it's certainly clean of lefties.

Hey, I want to check out some necks on Fenders. Do you have the backwards versions?  Yes, one. A cheap one.  I see.

"But the warehouse might have one. You'll have to pay for it in full before we can order it, but you have a 45 day return option."

Ummm.. do you think I'm really that stupid? Would you buy a guitar you can't play beforehand?


Hey, Fender put out a 70s Strat. Lemme see - I know they're made left handed.
This is NOT a 70s Strat. I have a number of them and this guitar in no way resembles them. The alleged 70s Strat has a 2000s neck. What's wrong with Fender? Do they get better drugs than we do? Why do all the 50s reproductions have 2000s necks? HELLO... IS ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION AT FENDER?

So there was no surprise there.

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We located a Disney store. It's virtually unheard of in our neighborhood, so in we went. Disney decided a while back to stop selling shirts and accessories for adults and concentrate on kids. This ignores a huge market - adults love Disney. Mrs. lefty adores Eeyore. She has Eeyore mugs, Eeyore socks, Eeyore clothes, and even Eeyore underwear. Being a resourceful type, I even looked for bras. There are no Eeyore bras.

The employees at Disney are among the most friendly in retail. I strongly suspect they go through 'training' at the Mouse House. The training involves blinky lights and things that go around a lot... "Pay attention to the spinning wheel. You are getting very sleepy. You LOVE Disney. You REALLY love Disney. In fact, you ARE Disney. You eat, sleep, and drink Disney. Your entire life is in service to The Mouse. You will be nothing but friendly and encourage the customers to buy more overpriced stuff at all times. When you wake up, you will have no memory of our little chat.... 1... 2... 3... and now you're awake."

We were approached by no fewer than six helpful, cheerful Mouse Workers. They were so happy that my subconscious was trying to drag my body out of the store. Upon checking out, the lovely checkout lady asked if we minded carrying the stuffed Eeyore we bought.

Huh?
I helpfully suggested an actual bag. You know bags - you get them in every store in the civilized world (and New Jersey).

"Yes, we've gone green and no longer have bags," she said smugly... like she was in California and was doing something great for the planet.

Huh?
"But you can buy this cloth one for 99 cents."
Huh? (she must have thought I was 'slow')

The Smug was heavy in the store.

Anybody who has ever been in customer service (or awake while working) knows you don't take something away and not provide an alternative. An alternative that the customer isn't required to pay extra for. This is stupid, even by Disney standards. I could almost see the blinky lights and the spinning round wheel (it doesn't work on ADHD people, who can't pay attention to spinning wheels and blinky lights long enough to have any effect).

So if I understand correctly, customers are supposed to walk around the mall with huge stuffed Disney figures or ten little stuffed animals, dropping them all over the place. The other stores laugh and say 'they just came from Disney'. Maybe it's just cheap advertising for Disney. Instead of a DISNEY plastic bag, people see all the DISNEY stuff you just bought. On the floor.

Mrs. lefty loves the hell out of large bags with handles, so she said buy one. It's not the 99 cents - it's the principle (my standing on principle is a recurring theme - one that causes me no end of inconvenience. I'm a pro at shooting myself in the foot - I can hit my foot from across the mall). Naturally the bag has a humongous Disney outline on it, so there's no doubt in anyone's mind where you bought it from. And that you paid for the ($&#ing bag.

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"Are you finding everything ok?"

How many times have you heard this? We were asked this no fewer than 4 times at Victoria's Secret.  By the way, Victoria's Secret is how they get people to pay so much for so little. Like swimsuits, there is an inverse relationship: the less material in the garment, the more it costs.

NO, we're NOT finding everything ok. In fact, we're not finding ANYTHING.
We're wandering from table to table, looking at Stuff. We are playing the 'Let's find something in the store under $75' game.  We noticed Pink (brand) sweatpants for $60. I asked if we covered over the Pink, would the price tag magically lower itself to $9.99?

In a previous store, I noticed a young teenager wearing the absolute tightest shorts I've ever seen. Wife says everybody's wearing them. I'm flummoxed.. so tight that they look like they're sprayed on... to paraphrase Ren and Stimpy's Pope (voiced by Frank Zappa, RIP), "Cling tightly to my buttocks. Both of them?"

I am not my parents. These shorts look quite fine, but not on a teenager. If they weren't black, I'd swear she wasn't wearing anything. Again, this is just fine on legal age women who can wear them well, but I'd get arrested for looking at them on young girls.

Victoria's in an interesting phenomenon. Basically it teaches young girls it's ok to wear lingerie. And $50 thongs. I'm no prude and people can wear whatever they like, but this is interesting.

In happier news, TUBE TOPS ARE BACK!  They're my favorite. I always tried to get Tube Top Tuesdays instituted at work. I was all kinds of excited until Mrs lefty popped up to pop my bubble, reminding me the only people who will be wearing them are the people who shouldn't be wearing them. She's right, and not only because I have to agree. We also noticed that the largest size in anything in the store is Extra Small. So not only is Victoria's for underage girls to spend more money they don't make; it's for very skinny, petite girls. Normally this would be like Disneyland for me (girls without bags to carry them in?), but again, they're underage. I don't want to be Jethro Tull's old man sitting on the park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent. But let me say something positive about the store: Mrs lefty says their bras are very good and long-lasting. So there's $99 well spent.

As if thongs weren't enough, you can now buy them flat, without lines.
Because no self-respecting woman would want anyone to know their thong has lines (when they bend over and the thong has ridden up their back). Again, the wrong people are wearing them.

"I wear thongs because it makes me sexy to the guys."
Maybe, maybe not. You'd be better served losing 100 of your 300 pounds, though... most men are incapable of mounting a Volkswagen, Hon.

And now I'm going to be called fat-phobic. Even though they're facts.
Actually, if I can get a campaign going to smear me, I'll get way more hits!

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Since I was with a woman, we stopped at the Lotion and Candle store.  The only men in the store were the ones dragged in by their spouses and the overtly gay employees. Candle stores, makeup stores, and shoe stores. I have no idea why, but it's an observation. The men dragged in by their spouses all had that faraway look, as if they were really not there; perhaps preferring to be on a rack, being tortured by Dick Cheney.

Candle stores are a license to print money. Throw some scented wax in a glass jar and you can charge $37.50 for it (on sale, naturally). If you buy 3 pumpkin spice lotions, you get 2 free (for only $24.99 each). I was incensed (get it?) because they had no rock or dirt scent. This only warmed me up for the biggest piece of genius since P.T. Barnum: the 3 wick candle. This thing is marketing and profit genius the likes of nothing ever seen before.. stay with me... Put three wicks in your normal candle. The candle now burns 3 times faster, and you can charge more money for it! Disney is jealous.

While there, a non-blinky lighted happy salesperson asked if we were looking forward to fall. WHAT? We just got used to spring/summer (we only have 2 seasons where I live - spring/summer and fall/winter). There are decent temperatures among the disgusting hot and humid ones, and it only rains 3 days a week instead of 5. No, we're not looking forward to fall. Plus the @&$(*ing leaves to rake.


So yeah, whenever I walk through a mall, I'm mentally writing this blog.

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No single topic blog rant would be complete without a rant on country music. 

There is a band called Big & Rich on tv. They are referred to as country music. Boy, country music has changed since I started avoiding it. The lead singer is black. I know many black lead singers, but this is the first time I've seen a black country lead singer (yes, I know they exist - I just don't watch country music). The drummer has a huge, metallic drum kit and a huge mohawk. There are always at least 4 guitar players in country music, but you can never hear more than one at a time. And since there are 4 guitars, there's also a lone banjo, in the back, in the corner, where all banjos belong. Fortunately the sound man 'forgot' to mic the banjo, so no one is subjected to it. Someone in the audience complained to the sound man they couldn't hear the banjo. The sound man smiled and said 'You're welcome.'

The singers alternate. The white one looks like a country version of Kid Rock, only less trashy. The joke's on the audience, as it's not possible to be more trashy than Kid Rock.

The lead guitarist must've been freshly recruited from a rock or metal act. This guy had all the riffs down to be in a pretty good rock band. I was impressed. This must be why people hate country music. I hear a lot of moaning about how new country music sucks (how does one differentiate it from the traditional country music suckage?). They want to hear ole Hank Williams and plastic-haired Conway Twitty. I swear if that hair hit the floor, it would bounce and injure at least 3 pairs of feet. So the traditionalists are against uptempo and rock-influenced country. Ironically, this stuff sells big time and there are more country fans than ever. Like Katy Perry and any form of rock and roll.

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No single topic blog rant with a country music rant attached would be complete without another random rant. 

There is wonderful news in the medical field: surgeons have pioneered an operation that gives paralyzed people some function in their hands. It's a minor miracle and I am really happy for these folks.

That's the good news.

The bad news is what I saw about it on the news: they told everyone the good news, then they showed the operation, complete with the arm opened and the blood vessels and guts and Victoria's thongs and country music visible for all to see. I was nauseated. My breakfast told me to stop eating it.

Ridgecrest, California just suffered a 7.1 earthquake.

Quick to action, the governor just signed legislation making earthquakes illegal.

A Florida man pretending to be police pulls over a real policeman. It didn't go well.

SJW Stuff

from Twitter:
Air-conditioning is unhealthy, bad, miserable, and sexist. I can’t explain how may times I’ve gotten sick over the summer b/c of overzealous AC in offices. #BanAC

Philly Guitar Show - Summer 2015

I made my religious pilgrimage to the Philly Guitar Show (in Oaks, PA, naturally) over the weekend.

We got out of the car and went toward the entrance,  noticing a lot of strange-looking people. Very strange-looking people. Remembering that there's typically a reptile show along with the guitar show, we continued.  But these people weren't reptiles. They were wearing really bizarre hats, helmets and clothing.

FURRIES!!!

False alarm - these youngsters appeared to be from the fantasy-prone video generation. There was a gaming show.  And there was no entrance for the guitar show, which was incredibly odd.  We had missed the sign that stated the show was moved to another hall. At said hall, we observed middle-aged dudes out front, smoking. Ah yes, the guitar show.

It was cheaper this year, probably because it was smaller (grumble).  The greyhound adoption people were there, as usual, with three really sweet dogs (throw-aways from dog racing tracks). They have lovely temperaments and are really not that active (two were spread across a large dog bed).

I located a pair of new Taylors; a 200 series ($699) and a 400 series ($1700+).  The 200 felt really nice, with a very comfortable neck and sounded good. The 400 had a more rounded neck and didn't play or sound much better. Although the 400 is obviously better-constructed, I would have bought the 200 if I were in the market.

Lefty Taylor 200 series

Later on I found an interesting burst Strat. It was earlier 70's because it had no serial number on the headstock, no skunk stripe on the back of the neck and a three-position switch. It played pretty well and I inquired about it. Turns out it was a `71 and they wanted $12k for it.  Oops. It sure didn't play that nicely.

There were some beautiful Marshalls there. Breathtaking stuff at breath-stealing prices. There was a `74 100w JTM full stack in pretty good condition. The stack was priced at $3500. I have this head in 50w - getting old sometimes has its advantages. There were some $7k heads and $8k cabinets. I saw an 8x10 cab and all sorts of rare stuff, including a 20w Marshall p.a. (no, really). Don't even ask.

1974 Marshall 100w stack

Usually there are some spectacular really old guitars but I didn't notice too many, as they were all backwards. Ok, there were quite a few 50's Gibsons and Fenders. Sweet stuff. The market must be down, as the prices required only an arm - not a leg too.

BEST TAG of the show award: 1960 Strat - some 1960 parts.



Up near the end, I saw a Fender Coronado in antigua (PUKEBURST)!  Behind it.....
HOLY F---- IT'S A LEFT-HANDED PUKEBURST STRAT!!!  
I have one - it's my #1 guitar. I deperately want a matching Tele but I'm open to another Strat. It could be mine for the bargain price of $2700 (a bit on the high side, to be polite).  After clearing the drool from my mouth, I picked it up and gave it a go. Appearancewise, it was a perfect match to mine.  Playingwise, something was off. I'm out of practice, so that might be it. I'm also experiencing a nasty side effect of a medicine; the shakes. That could be it too.  As the guitar turned out to be local, I wanted to bring my guitar around for a comparison.

1978 LEFTY antigua (pukeburst) Strat

my 1977 lefty pukeburst Strat

When I got home, I picked mine up and it played like butter.  In my substantial experience with late seventies Fenders, there are two necks; Heavenly and DOGS. Mine was heavenly, the other was a DOG.  It would have been nice to have it for the collection but I obviously don't have unlimited funds.

Got to talk to some vendors too. One guy had a bunch of Strymon pedals. These babies go for $400-500 each and some people have several on their pedalboards. The guy told me that he would never have predicted the popularity of these pedals, given the cost. Yet he can't keep them in stock. Also chatted with a vintage pedal guy who had an H&K tube Rotosphere.  This box is a Leslie emulator (those huge brown boxes with rotating horns that sit behind organ players). It's almost impossible to emulate these but this pedal is The Stuff. Jeff Beck uses one, so it should probably be good enough for me. Once I buy it, I mean.

Gorgeous Gibson!

It was a really good show. I'll see you at the Fall Philly show.

The Unemployment Follies #8 - Will the Kurds Get Their Whey?

[The following takes place between the last time I wrote and today.]

Good morning, good afternoon and good evening, dear readers.  It's great to be here today. In fact, it's great to be anywhere.

MUSIC APPRECIATION

Many years ago, when I still flew, I went to Los Angeles on vacation. I visited a lefty guitar store, one of the main ones at that time.  It was truly Disneyland for me.  A store where almost every guitar was a lefty.  He had one of everything.  The one that really rung my bell was a 1958 lefty Stratocaster.  It was like heaven made from wood in my hands.  It was so magical that it almost played itself.  It was only twelve grand or so, just a hair out of my budget.

Hidden away in the back room was a treasure: a 1960 lefty Les Paul standard.  There were only three ever made.  McCartney had one, someone in another country had the second and I got to hold and play the third.  It was a decent guitar at a decent price - only $95,000.  I was a little disappointed, mentioning to the store owner that it only played like a $35,000 guitar.  Price aside, it was not for me.

Yesterday I opened an issue of Vintage Guitar magazine and discovered that one of these Les Pauls just sold at auction, for the bargain price of $194,000.  Don't I feel stupid for not picking the guitar up when it was under a hundred grand...

THE CONTINUING SEARCH OF BUNGALOW LEFTY

To no one's surprise, I am still without a job.  Of course the title probably clued everybody in anway. Let's emphasize the positive and state that when I get a job, I'll have to go back to writing... well... whatever it is that I used to write before the hammer fell. And you'll have to read it, so let's just give thanks where we can.

You were probably wondering what sorts of interesting job search results have appeared.  Let me ease your burden and list some of them:

• Visual Impairment Service Team Coordinator [VIST Team - FREEZE!]
• Customer Destruction Specialist [now here's one we can all get behind]
• Concierge-Event Planning [because I love people and hospitality]
• Java Developer [I'm more of a java consumer]
• Tumor Registrar [a room for how many organs, sir?]
• Freelance Sports Photographer [because I love sports and can't take a picture with an idiot-proof camera]
• Geospatial Technician [huh?]

I had an incredible interview the other day.... it was an intensive security position with a very large company. Everything looked good, I liked the job description and they seemed to like me. Then BOOM - the anchor dropped.  The job required over fifty percent travel.  I don't know about you but two months in beautiful downtown Utah just doesn't make my nipples swell.

I have spent a whole lot of time consuming job interviewing tips from all over the place. I can safely say that I know what not to do and even a bit of what TO do.  The key to a good interview is to anticipate the questions and have answers ready, in addition to examples. During a phone conversation, it should go something like this:

Tell me about yourself.  Hi, my name is lefty and I make people nervous.

What is your ideal day on the job?  Thanks for asking. I'd start with an intensive review of the evening's security events, followed by some chocolate, pizza and then the strippers. I'd close with some oral.

Wait - I need to put you on hold - my wife is flashing me.

Where do you see yourself in five years?  Certainly not in this dump. I intend to avail myself of all the benefits and run like the wind. With any luck, I'll be able to blame it all on the boss.

You were laid off?  Why?  I'm glad you chose to ask this highly illegal question.  My position was eliminated, right after I eliminated the CIO and half of the board.  Just because I soiled his wife was no reason to be so upset. Yes, that was a chainsaw, but I couldn't have done it because I could never start the damn thing.

How do you keep current with security news?  Websites, news readers and Juggs magazine.

With preparation like this, it's amazing that I don't have multiple job offers.

IT'S OK, I'M INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY

Remember the well-meaning neighbor?  The one who asked when our house was going up for sheriff's sale?  We're finally one-up on him: we called the mortgage company and, as it turns out, they're not all that keen on calling the sheriff.  The best moment was when we were going over our finances, Lieutenant Mortgage came to the conclusion that without our mortgage payment, we were four dollars in the hole.  Suffice it to say, they're quite content to work with us.  This works out well, as I can't rely upon public wifi to write these sagas.

NOT QUITE ERRATA

I passed the dog on my way in.  He had his face buried in something of weird color.  Then I got distracted by the neighbor washing her car in those shorts and.... 

Ok, so I passed the dog on the way in. When I got back to him, he was finishing up someting.  Minimal detective work indicated that he had bored through a pizza box to get at the poisoned pizza that he stole from the trash.  He has a cast iron stomach, largely from eating cast iron.

Speaking of trash, I mentioned our new automatic trash can.  Wave my hand over it and it opens, then closes on its own.  Apparently it needs a tuneup because it tends to open and close for no apparent reason.  Every night we sit in the living room and hear the can opening and closing.  It's almost a form of cheap entertainment these days (as everyone knows, I'm a cheap and easy date. Mostly easy).

Last but not least, I need to unburden myself.  This is just between us, ok? I don't want the wife to find out.  You see, it's about the wife. For some reason, perhaps due to all that loud music when she was little, her hearing has gone to hell.  I didn't want to be the one to tell her that she answers her cell phone in speakerphone mode, then puts it to her ear.  Mostly she puts the phone down and talks to it REALLY LOUDLY. I keep telling her she's shouting. She keeps telling me she's sorry, then goes back to shouting at the phone again. It's getting so I can't hear the tv or watch porn on my laptop.

I feel much better now - thank you.

Left Handed = Left Out When Guitar Shopping

I hadn't been to Guitar Center in months.  I don't get out much and I can only stand so much disappointment, no matter how much I crave it.  So yesterday I stopped in on my way by.

Most of the Guitar Centers I've been to have a section called Lefty Land, with all the lefty guitars and basses hanging in that area.  Yesterday I noticed Lefty Land had been moved.

Looking around, I spotted three lefty electrics on a wall.  One of the Helpful Guitar Center Salespeople asked if he could help and I asked where all the lefties went.  He pointed to the three guitars on the wall.

I was amazed.  I explained that I didn't think it was possible to have fewer lefties than the last time I was there, but Guitar Center went right ahead and let loose the shock and awe.

He giggled.

Whenever I ask for something lefty at a music store, after the person gets done telling me no, he always inserts `something helpful'.  It's usually something along the lines of `we could order that for you'.  This time it was `you should talk to our repair guy, who has turned a lot of guitars around.'

If I wanted a backwards guitar, I'd have asked for one in the first place, doofus.  If I wanted to order something sight-unseen (and unplayed), I'd have asked for that too.

And yes, I understand economics.  I know that guitar companies can't viably afford to make everything in the line lefty and I know why there's an upcharge (except for Martin).  I also know why stores can't stock a ton of lefties.  But if salespeople keep telling me customers are looking for lefties, why aren't they stocked?  Does Mr. Guitar Center get an electric shock every time he orders a lefty?  Is there some sort of pain involved with servicing the left-handed population?

It reminds me of the Monty Python Cheese Shop sketch:

Do you have lefty Strats?
No.
Do you have lefty Teles?
No.
Do you have lefty Gibsons?
No.
This must be the finest guitar store in the world.
Why?
Because it's certainly uncontaminated by lefty guitars.



Funny, though.... there are thousands of guitars in the store....



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That having been said, I saw an incredibly cool Fender color called Chromium Blue or something to that effect.

I went looking for the Electro Harmonix pedals I keep seeing online.  Zero.  Zip.

And the acoustic section had a pair of cheap lefties.