Battleships Confide in Me and Tell Me Where You Are

Don't blame me... it's a Yes lyric, from Yours is no Disgrace.

• Airbnb claims its AI can predict whether guests are psychopaths.
• I can't speak for the technology, but it would explain why there's never an available reservation for me.
• Among other things, it mines your social media posts. Think abut that for a moment.

5 steps to protect your privacy in 2020, courtesy of Duckduckgo.com and Spreadprivacy.com

• I hate like hell to do this, but I try to be helpful... you can still downgrade to Win 10. Here's the method. No idea how long this will last.
• If you've decided to join the stampede to a different operating system, ANY operating system, there's always MAC and linux. Neither has a huge learning curve, they're both more stable, they're not advertising platforms, and no one spies on you (that's an assumption with MAC). You can try linux out without altering your system in any way, using a USB stick. You can also dual-boot Win and lin. Ask if you have questions or need tips.

Since I'm ranting anyway, and since I'm a glutton for punishment, we went out for breakfast the other day. Things have been much better since the days when my order would be forgotten or messed up. No one asks me to sit at a different table so their order will come out. We went to Ihop. There's an Ihop right around the corner, so we drive to the one 20 minutes away. The local one has incompetent waitresses and clientele better suited for a schoolyard, except for the guns (I hope).

I figured 2pm was good for breakfast, plus it wouldn't be crowded.
I was wrong.
Apparently church lets out and most of the parishioners go to Ihop after. That's ok, at least they're well-behaved (and color-coordinated).
SURPRISE! We got seated next to a child who was being LOUD.
When I say seated next to, I mean 3' away. The only way I could've been closer to him was to be seated at his table. He continued to explode into fits of Loud, at odd intervals, causing the other rug rats at the table to sound off too. He looked old enough to know better. I did hear his mom explain this was not acceptable (her words), but the child apparently thought it was perfectly acceptable. I would never hurt a child, so I suggested slapping the parents. We had made the cardinal mistake of eating out: eating out. We had also forgotten to ask for the No Screaming Children Section. The waitress heartily agreed. And you know, for a fact, that this little noisemaker was at the table for the entirety of our meal, until 5 minutes before we left.

I don't want to be That Guy<tm>, or sound like some cantankerous Old Dude<tm>, who eats dinner at 4pm and complains about everything. We don't eat out a lot, so it would be nice not to be disturbed when we do. The last time it was a screaming infant all the way across the restaurant (aspiring opera diva), plus 4 extremely chatty, very annoying early teens, who all talked at the same time, even when their table threatened to disintegrate from the noise and vibration produced by their flapping lips. Mrs lefty is trying to calm me down, so I didn't make an even larger spectacle, like last time, when I got hold of the soda hoses and sprayed down the entire noisemaking table, then swing around the room like Tarzan, reveling in the applause from the rest of the diners. I have no idea what Mrs lefty's problem is, but some of the church ladies said they'd pray for her.

I told Mrs lefty that this level of noise was unacceptable, unless there was a small nuclear event. When I pointed out that when we were kids, we were well-behaved, she said times have changed. This is true, but not screeching and disturbing the entire restaurant has never gone out of style.

Dear Abbie Ann:
We need help (desperately). Whenever we go out, there are children screaming and many restaurants don't have screaming children-free seating. What is the polite thing to do in this circumstance?
Puzzled in Pittsburgh.

Dear Putzled:
From the list of things you tried, I would highly recommend avoiding the ones involving hoses, bananas, body parts that aren't typically exposed, and service elephants with pet anvils.  Instead, I would have the waitress use hoses, bananas, body parts that aren't typically exposed, and service elephants with pet anvils. One must always do the right thing in the right way.
-Abbie Ann

• Samsung is coming out with a 43" display that automatically rotates for vertical content. If you think that's neat, you should see what it does for dance videos.

AT&T et al are fighting against higher upload speeds.
Other countries continue laughing at us.

• Our good friends at Faceyspaces are introducing a privacy tool at the 2020 CES show. 
• Because they were hauled in front of Congress, this tool completely ignores the items Congress addressed.
• A privacy tool. From Faceyspaces. This is like a tax-saving tool from the government.

New drinking game: set out your beverage of choice. Turn on the tv. Take a shot every time you hear "game changer."  Warning: You could be dead within an hour.

• New York is proposing a statewide virtual currency.
• You will only be able to spend 16 virtual dollars at once, because spending 32 is unhealthy and the state will protect them from it.

I have an idea.  [uh-oh]
No, it's barely even weird.
I think we should all have a Live Funeral.
A funeral is held for you, but you're there to watch it. You hear what people really think of you. I think we'd be pleasantly surprised.

Nobody was surprised to find me missing at important family gatherings. They all say, "That lefty - he's his own man."  That's some of what I think I'll hear at my live funeral. I want everyone to tell their best lefty story - the funniest thing they saw me do or the most awkward thing they saw me do. My funeral will have people rolling in the aisles.


Speaking of saying nice things, my old boss accepted a job in another state and we held a going away party for him. My responsibility was always a roast of whoever was leaving. He came up to me later and said it was the most uncomfortable few minutes of his life. I had done my job.

I'm sorry.
No, I'm not.
What you see is what you get. I'm like this on paper and in person.
Sometimes *I* can't believe some of the stuff I say... it just kinda comes out (did I really say that? oof!). They say I have no filters. I bought one last year, so at least I don't say FUCK too much in public. Well, I don't say FUCK near as much as I used to in public. I've cut it out almost totally at work. Almost.



Mahdokht Shaibani at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, developed a lithium-sulphur battery with a capacity 5x higher than lithium-ion. It could keep a phone charged for 5 days. By the end of the day, she will have the test results on flame resistance.

• Gay Grindr date murders man, forgets to disclose he's a cannibal.

The city of Oakland, California, is creating the Department of Violence Prevention to help crack down on violence.

Well, let's see. There are laws. Then there's the Department of Violence Punishment, aka The Police. What is violence prevention - pre crime? Going to schools and telling the children not to steal? Just say no to shooting?

• Some people aren't people people.

Linksys routers, already able to sense movement, will soon be able to monitor your breathing.  I feel queasy.  Naturally this means they will sell millions to well-meaning idiots, who will then complain when their health info gets into the hands of the insurance industry and hackers.

• Faceyspaces has banned deepfake videos. 
• If they can identify them.

The FBI can't unlock the Pensacola gunman's 2 iPhones, so they want Apple to.
Damn you, America.... if there were a backdoor, like the govt wants, this wouldn't be an issue. Stupid privacy people.




Today I identify as   pork.

• You cannot have a happy ending to an unhappy journey.
• Uh-oh.

Heroes of the Stupid

Florida woman threatened to rob McDonalds if she didn't get enough dipping sauce.




SJW Stuff

This summer, you'll be able to buy Trans salmon.
Ok, transgenic salmon, with spliced genes to make it grow faster indoors.
The trans salmon must be at least 25% of your total salmon purchase and demands you use its preferred pronouns: it, that, and wtf.

No Sex, Please - There's a New Star Wars

Unfortunately I've been saddled with Windows 10 at work. Further up on top of this is our Pages section. Read Windows 10 if you want to hear the stories.


"The Walt Disney Co. is asking exhibitors worldwide to warn moviegoers that Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker may pose a seizure risk to audience members with photosensitive epilepsy," 

[correction]
"The Walt Disney Co. is asking exhibitors worldwide to warn moviegoers that Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker ticket prices and tired, endless drawn-out sequels may pose a seizure risk to audience members" 

• RIP Marie Fredriksson (61), from cancer. Sang in Roxette (The Look, It Must've Been Love).

Dear lefty:  

• What's the difference between a smart tv and a dumb tv?
• Its owner

The man who called 911 to report that he was injured by his homemade contraption, which authorities thought was a nuclear reactor may be charged with inducing a panic. There was no radiation, no nuclear power, and the device was a homemade capacitor.  The neighborhood was evacuated for a few hours. The guy didn't purposely incite panic. Now that his neighbors know who he is, he'll no doubt be very popular with them.   Hey Bob, I need a few capacitors - can you whip me up something in the garage? 



Tesla wants to clean windshields with laser beams.
I want people to clean my entire car with bikinis.

• Check this out, by Richard Dolan - a great ufo researcher and author. Watch a few of his videos and make up your own mind.

Today I identify as  a folding chair

In his latest emission, Bernie Sanders promised free high-speed internet for all.  He also announced free houses, free cars, and free wildly-increased taxes.

• Your privacy is gone - you just don't know it yet

Mercedes Benz and Bosch are testing self-driving taxis in San Jose.

What kind of leap of faith does this require? Drive - watch out for that.....OW!

Essential smart tv security tips to protect your privacy.

1. don't buy a smart tv (good luck)
2. don't plug it into a network
3. if the FBI has issued a warning about smart tv's, you should probably start taking an interest (they're just jealous)
4. READ the agreements before blindly agreeing
5. read the article

Yes, I want to go to the recording studio

But they use Macs. 

As soon as they hit RECORD, either the Mac or I will sizzle

This is a predicament.

Work asked me for a personal development plan.
How the hell should I know? Nobody ever discussed it with me.
Guess I'll have to wing it...

• Develop my ability to keep the job
• Develop skills to answer any boss in the correct way, so they leave me alone, while feeling satisfied
• Develop raise-earning strategies
• Develop ways of ensuring that my skills do not make me look like a leader - just a bright tech guy. Don't make me manage people!
• Knowing when to stop. Also, the ability to stop

Cinnamon Coke?
Revolutionary.
Also new for 2020: Oregano Coke, Garlic Coke, Diesel Exhaust Coke, and Orange Vanilla Diet Coke.   Oops, one of those already exists. Guess which one.

Science News: licelike insects munched on dinosaur feathers around 100 million years ago.  Politics truly is the oldest profession.

Heroes of the Stupid  

5 myths that anti-porn crusaders keep repeating

Ring footage will give location to the square inch. So get out there and buy!
Get another for inside the house!

AT&T is raising DirecTV prices again, despite losing millions of customers.
Then they'll complain while customers continue to drop cable.

SJW Silliness   

Greta Thunberg is on the cover of Time, as their Person of the Year.
Fighting the patriarchy does pay!

Do not mourn - celebrate a man who lived life entirely on his own terms

Artificial? Yes. Intelligence? No.

I was listening to some radio the other day. It briefly mentioned weather control. Weather control exists and has existed since the Civil War, when the combatants realized all that gunpowder going up to the clouds caused it to rain. Weather control is certainly one reason why the weather is so unbelievably messed up. The east coast seems to have more clouds than sun. I'd study it scientifically, but I don't need that kind of depression. Other explanations include climate change, global warm showers with massage, and the hot air coming from the White House for the last 50 years.



Dear lefty:

• What's eating you today?
• You.

• I want to recommend this blog to a friend. How would you describe it?
• Hostile to democrats. And republicans. And Social Justice Workers. And the Stupid. And tv, the outdoors, mowing, Dear lefty questioners, and moving from the couch. Come to think of it, ThermionicEmissions is hostile to most things. This is all care of the CEO of Sarcasm.  How could you go wrong? 

Things are getting interesting-er in the UK.

One of the frontrunners, Boris Yeltsin Johnson, of the Very Silly Hair Party, keeps refusing to show up. He didn't show up for Trump and now he won't show up for debates. There was also some sort of fracas with his girlfriend, and the police were called. The press said his personal business is his, then gave his girlfriend's name, the police officers who came to her home, and what she was wearing.  America, let's get those Boris Balloons ready!

In other news, US news said Trump's personal life is his business, then the entire crew laughed so hard, they had to go to commercial. When they returned, they still had tears rolling down their faces and tried, unsuccessfully, to not laugh during other stories. 

• 68% of the people are worried about climate change. They vow to do something about it, some day, but only if it doesn't include the parts that affect flying, manufacturing, cars, and trucks. Other than that, they're quite motivated.
• Science is being done on this problem by looking into other things that are cleaner than coal, like burning politicians instead. This will fail miserably, as there's no substance there. They don't burn long. Or so I hear.

After walking around a mall with Mrs lefty, my legs started to hurt all over. It's obvious to me that I need to spend more time on the couch.

• Bernie Sanders says "It's not appropriate" to deport illegal aliens that don't follow the law in the US.
• Change is inevitable, but imagine your grandfather's reaction to a socialist running for president, who doesn't think it's appropriate to deport lawbreakers.

I pick on Dog the Bounty Hunter mercilessly, for obvious reasons.

His wife, Beth, has been admitted to the hospital and is in a medically induced coma. She has had multiple cancers but there is no information on the current admission.

ThermionicEmissions wishes her best of health and peace to her family.

• Wanna learn more about browsing and privacy? Wired has a very good, human language description of desktop and mobile browsers and their privacy features.
• Walmart and Amazon want to look inside your house and keep video notes.

A Las Vegas professor shot himself in the arm to protest Trump.

This would be the second person to shoot themself over Trump. There probably won't be any calls for gun control over this, as these are the people who are calling for it.

Meanwhile, the White House is bridging the divide by giving out free guns to its enemies.

• Thailand's Wild Boars soccer team marks its first anniversary of going missing in a cave and their subsequent rescue.
• Some removed the roof of their house, some won't leave the house, and most won't bathe. On the bright side, you never have to wait in line to go cave exploring.

The Mars Rover has discovered high levels of methane.

We now know that the Martians fart a lot - global warming is coming to Mars! 

• After the tv series Chernobyl, people are flocking there for tours and taking selfies.
• P.T. Barnum is in hysterics from his grave. You will never go hungry, overestimating the stupidity of people. Because you can't.
• Buoyed by opportunity, tours are planned for Fukushima, Three Mile Island, and the underwater caves in Thailand. There is light at the end of the tunnel: these people will die sooner.
• Just announced: (highly) discounted tours to the Dominican Republic, where you can take selfies with in-room microbars.

So, how about that climate change?

One immediate reaction is moving toward zero emission vehicles. In English, this means electric cars. Most sane carbon-based lifeforms agree that zero-emissions is a good idea. I'm not a scientist (or ballerina) but what about the electricity to run and charge these cars? I suspect it's not zero-emissions. What about the batteries - how long will they last? What do we do with them when they fail? How much will it cost to replace them? These are some valid questions we haven't seen addressed in the mad rush to sell and purchase electric cars.  

I drove a hybrid for a few days and liked it. I'd buy one, but I don't trust batteries, per the above questions. The adjusted miles per gallon figures aren't that impressive, though. Battery technology continues to improve but I have a feeling we're too early in the process and will get bitten at the back end (in the back end).

SJW News

Article:

"How can our future Mars colonies be free of sexism and racism?"

CNN:

A black, transgender and disabled model just landed her first major magazine cover.  

Saw this on Twitter:

1919: “Work is tough: I had to be recruited to work a job in the munitions factory handling TNT and other poisonous substances without appropriate protective clothing, because the job was vacated by so many men who had to leave to fight in a world war”

2019: Vice Magazine: Work Sucks, Especially When People Get Your Pronouns Wrong.

Pronouns for multiple personality disorder:

You (plural but NOT singular), they, them, all youse

My Hair Hurts

Theresa May has announced she'll be stepping down as Prime Minister of England. Insiders say that she was unable to get the country to stand by its own vote.

A likely candidate is Boris Johnson. This guy is a shoe-in because his hair looks like he was attacked by a lawnmower: it will bring the UK and the US closer in follicles.

• Trump allows Barr to declassify surveillance documents around the Russia investigation. Perhaps if we send postcards, he'll declassify ufo documents.

Dear lefty:

• Why do I have trouble with relationships?
• You're too clingy. That and your micro-penis.

Making dietary changes is hard. We shouldn't have to do it... it lowers quality of life. Candy and CocaCola is a perfectly nutritious breakfast, but nooooo..... After that special diet most of my life, I had to make sacrifices. People used to tell me that sugar is poison. They don't tell me that anymore because they're afraid of getting hit. Again. They don't understand the sacrifices I've made... Morning coffee is sacred to everyone. I went from three tablespoons of sugar to two teaspoons. I'm still shaking, after a year. Don't let anyone tell you it's easy.

• In Australia, a man was fined at the airport for not declaring his nuts. Perhaps he identifies as female. Regardless - be proud.. show your nuts!

A man allegedly hiding drugs in his rectum accidentally shot himself in the testicles. That's the ugliest case of gender confusion ever.

• Florida (YAY!) banned 'childlike' sex dolls. 
• Florida is God's Waiting Room - what would they do with.... ewwww

The Georgia Supreme Court ruled that the state has no obligation to protect personal information. They did, however, restate that they have an obligation to take your money and fritter it away on any old thing, then raise your taxes.  Privacy - from the people who brought you the DMV.

• ThermionicEmissions applauds Gillette for inclusiveness, in its commercial about a father teaching his trans son to shave. Inclusiveness: what we all want to see.

Through the mid 80s, there were scheduled burns of garbage at Area 51. These were toxic materials from the Stealth program. Employees started developing cancer and demanded information. (Mr.) President Clinton signed an order stating that Area 51 was off-limits for investigations, on national security grounds. People continue to die, but it's a patriotic death - for national security. 

• If you live with someone who has ADD and you're bored, buy a house fan. While putting it together, put the front on upside down, so the logo is upside down. THIS is why I'm going to hell.

Jazz and Tyrannosaurus Sexing

I know you're afraid that your friends will think you wear thick-rimmed glasses and a pocket protector, but haven't you always wanted to know how to read a schematic?  Sparkfun has an intro. Even though there are no tube symbols, I've decided to forgive them.

Don't:

tell your buddy his girlfriend has a hardon.

at work, end all your sentences with "as ancient astronaut theorists believe".

put your penis in the pencil sharpener

park your ICBM on the lawn, facing your idiot neighbor. I know this now.

cook with Vagisil

reproduce

Dear lefty:

• Why do you call people names?
• Because you're an idiot.

I'm sick.

No, not that way.

Really sick. Physically.

It starts in the head, feeling woozy, like watching social tv.

Then it migrates to the chest, when coughing hurts.

Then you think you're better, but you're not.

Then your wife tells you that you have a fever and look what can best be described as gray. Because we are men, and need a female to tell us this stuff. This is because of rectal thermometers when we were little (which explains a lot). 

When helping with menial jobs has become an insurmountable task.

When you're so hungry but can only reach the peanut butter and jelly in one jar. Getting up to fix yourself something is unthinkable, like the tv networks airing a funny, original show. Falling off the couch presents a choice: do I haul ass up to bed? Nah, the floor is perfectly comfortable.

There's the Dayquil and the Nyquil. You've become a drug addict, with one drug to allow you to stay awake and another to help you sleep. Neither works well or gets rid of your cold. You fall asleep on Dayquil and Nyquil does nothing, but at the same time manages to taste like souffle of emesis.

The most fun is losing your sense of taste, sometimes off and on. I take revenge on myself by eating stuff I hate, like my wife's moldy ten week-old simmered socks cheese with XXX on the label. Of course once in my mouth, taste switches back on, my body spoiling the one revenge I get on it. It says something about exercise and chuckles.

I woke up this morning feeling almost bouncy. So good that I'm actually looking forward to doing the dishes. No, I am not hallucinating.

Naturally the wife told me I still have a temperature.

She said this as she reminded me we're picking up the new furniture today.

Tomorrow's installment will depend on whether or not the hospital has wifi.

• Millions of devices vulnerable to complete takeover - security cameras, baby monitors and smart doorbells. No solution in sight.

Opt out of facial recognition at airports. Yes, it's being phased in, without notification or your permission. This is the latest insult to your privacy.

Some things never change:

Eager to give CNN (if we don't like the news, we make it up) another chance, I tuned in. It took about two minutes before the president was somehow responsible for the synagogue shooting.

Not that there's any better news outlet.

• Just in case you like privacy like I do: the information of 80 million US households sat in the open, with no password, for the taking. The owner of the data has not been identified.
• Do you wish to trust idiots and incompetents with your personal information?

Officials in Montreal, Canada, are warning people to stop sightseeing and snapping selfies in flood zones. This is why we are doomed.

I'm So Happy to See You, I Could Leave

Know what I hate?
Most everything.

But there's some really low rings at the place with the fire and the guy dressed in red, that belong to Microsoft.

Recently I lost my Windows virtual machine... the only copy of Windows I run, and only for emergencies. As I'm rebuilding from backups, Microsoft decided to send me 7 updates. Updates which I expressly said DO NOT DOWNLOAD. Bill Gates will roast. Win 10 does this too, whether you want it to or not. Linux respects your choice. I have no idea about Apple.

• The mayor of Port Richey, Florida, is in jail for shooting at SWAT, which was there to serve a warrant for unlicensed medicine.
• What do they put in the air in Florida?

Dear lefty:

• Marvin Mangler, of Minnetonka, Mongolia, asks if I really like my readers.
• Dear Maude: I wouldn't French kiss them, but I'll respect them in the morning.

It was 4 degrees the other weekend. It was 50 yesterday. Later this week, the Polar Vortex arrives, and we'll see highs of 5. That's -47 with the Freeze Index.  What record-setting sadist came up with this? Four degrees... your facial hair freezes (even women).  But that's not horrible enough... no, we need a Freeze Index or a Heat Index or a Pineapple index (for when it would be less painful to stick a pineapple....). People near me can tell I'm awake when they hear me say, "I hate it here."

There's no such thing as Polar Vortex.... they make up all sorts of meteorological mess terms with no meanings, other than "It's Gonna Be COOOOOLD out there today." Or Canada. Sneaky Canada. Really Nice People Canada. They smile at us because we don't know they're sending cold air. Once this gets to the public, it'll be War on Canada.

• Every now and then I set the tv to Discovery Science in Hindi, just to see if I'm awake. I had to stop because the dog would wake me at 3am to tell me to take her to the Happy Place. She's not used to Hindi. Nor am I.

I think I know how Dog the Bounty Hunter did its casting.... by carefully deploying the Mr Potato Head Method: randomly putting odd parts together, no matter how odd, to make a cast member. Let's put a shaved head here, maybe some watermelons under a shirt, bleached hair, and one short person with shiny objects and glitter.

• In a recent study, hard drives suck less than they did a couple years ago. That's nice.  139 of 10,000 high performance drives. No mention of solid state drives.

Speaking of casting, there's a new reality show called Dr Toe, or something equally stupid. This guy makes feet look good. Just when you thought you couldn't be stunned...  the show will end shortly, when Dr Toe is caught giving toe jobs to a favorite client or two.

Next up: crew of reality shows in their own reality shows. Family of crew of reality shows. Shoes of reality show crews. Salesmen of shoes of reality crews. Guilt-inducing mothers of reality show stars. And finally, a reality show where killing your opponents is the idea. Then naturally the 12 copycat kill your opponents shows. 

• Yesterday the president abolished the use of nerve gas. In an unprecedented show of unity, 50% of the country demanded nerve gas, saying Trump lied about its effects.

Data Safety and Privacy

Many of us will get hacked, whether it's email, phishing, data leaks, or hacking into your pc. 

I hate to ask you this, and you'll hate hearing it, but what could someone getting into your pc find?

Ack... that's scary. Whether you have no or easy passwords or someone hacks in, even more of your information has been accessed (let's not discuss Faceyspaces, Google, etc).  What do you keep in your computer? That's absolutely frightening..,..

Well, if you have any financial information on there at all, it will be exposed. If the information is stolen, it'll be for sale, perhaps on the Dark Web [ominous music]. If you get hacked, CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS IMMEDIATELY. Assume everything has been stolen. Reformat and reset your pc back to factory condition. There is no telling if your system has some remote access left in it.

Highly recommended: a password locker. All your passwords and information can go there, so if you get hacked, it's encrypted and locked. Spend some time thinking about what kind of information is on your computer and what would happen if someone got access to it.

TIPS

Reminder to keep yer damn system updated/patched.

Keep your antivirus current and set it to run automatically, daily, when you're not using it.

Be incredibly safe while surfing: don't use javascript and cookies: keep them turned off by default. Yes, some sites won't work. If you know the site and know for a fact it isn't hijacked, use javascript. By the way - how do you know it's not hijacked? Even huge corporate sites have been victims. Keep your browsers up to date, set them to auto-update the extensions. DO NOT USE odd browsers or extensions that look shaky. Look for bad grammar in descriptions, obviously fake/numerous reviews, small user numbers. Stick with the very popular extensions, if you use them. Use a number of browsers, one set open, the rest highly protected. Use incognito mode. KNOW that incognito or private mode does not make you invisible; it just cleans all traces when you're done. This helps with privacy by getting rid of cookies and any other junk left over from surfing... this way it does so automatically and you don't have to by yourself. Or install a cleaner that you use before closing the browser. If you have no tracking cookies, it's harder to track you (but not too hard). 

There are browsers that come with anti-tracking features... Brave for one. Brave, Bromite, Privacy Browser and Duckduckgo Browser on android. There are safety extensions too - I like Firefox and its extensions. It's my most locked-down browser.

To make you feel better (or worse), hackers can get in using known weaknesses in systems... it's not always the fault of the computer operator (but frequently is).  We do not learn from our mistakes, which is why I post this stuff. Be safe out there.

Dear lefty:

• When will you write about current music?
• When anything approaching music is produced.

I somewhat less than fondly remember when our car used to get hit many times per year.
Hey, that actually stopped years back!
Of course the tree proved it too couldn't fly, the dog proved she wasn't any of the things described (she stays, though), the dirty dishes have turned into zombies and return the day after I wash them, I only read some words in sentences (leaving out unimportant words like not and stop), the poltergeists now do impersonations of the neighbor I can't stand, and the aliens keep trying to sell me encyclopedias.

• Why do schools and businesses have a diversity officer?

Speaking of helpful technology and smart users, dozens have died because they don't turn off their cars with keyless ignitions. The car runs, producing carbon monoxide, killing people. If you don't find this a good thing, you should probably remember to turn the car off.

On the other hand, I've done some pretty stupid stuff by mistake, but leaving the car running ain't one of them. You can kinda hear it when you get out of the car. Especially in an enclosed space, like the garage. An electric car makes little to no noise, but won't poison you. It will kill you to replace the batteries, though, but only financially.

• The BBC reports that a spider has bitten an Australian man on the penis. Again.
• This fella must have some interesting hobbies. G'day, mate.

I flunked out of evil villain school: I never wrote a manifesto.

I can't tell you how many times this happened to me...

Go Ahead - Ask the Fat Lady if She's Pregnant

A woman who has been in a vegetative state for ten years gave birth.
In a vegetative state, gestation doesn't take ten years, so....
The facility has rushed to completely fix the situation, by requiring anyone going into female patients' rooms to have a female with them. The CEO resigned the day after this hit the news.

STOP IT

• In today's hacking news, over 1,000 records of German citizens and government officials were stolen. Das is not goot.

We get the good ones:

Last week we lit some candles, mumbled some words, then took the drastic step of running the vacuum. The dog was not happy. Not only didn't she like the vacuum, she didn't like a push vacuum. Fortunately she didn't like them silently. 

Within 24 hours, the entire floor was again covered in white stuffing, from stolen stuffed animals.

Last night, completely without candles, I vacuumed again (it's a record). Never complacent, within ONE HOUR, the dog had eviscerated a large stuffed animal, making the entire floor look like it had snowed. Does this mean I don't have to vacuum anymore?



Dear lefty:

• Is it true that looks don't matter?

Pigs Fly department:

A federal grand jury will hear evidence that 9/11 was a controlled demolition.

This is huge, whether you believe the assertion or not. Because of the JFK Effect, I'm somewhat skeptical of the outcome, but movement is great. 

Both buildings came down in what looked like controlled demolition. One of the major news network reporters stated that it looked like controlled demolition, once. And never again. Then there was the rather inconvenient fact of Building 7, barely damaged, coming down in its own footprint too.

I guess this is the necessary first step to legally drill holes in the official story of what happened on 9/11. If it was controlled demolition, there's the question of who pushed the button, then who ordered the button pushed. Regardless of the ruling, one of the people involved has a name that rhymes with Rick Haney. 

• Another thing police shows taught me: attractive people don't commit crimes.

Ancient Astronaut Theorists, at least the interesting ones who appear on tv, believe there's an Area 52 and a formation on Mars that looks like Stonehenge. I believe that things got way more interesting after the SJWs demanded Ancient Astronaut Theorists start including women. This caused mass disruption, when the fat, pimply Ancient Astronaut Theorists discovered there were now Ancient Astronaut Theorists with breasts. This is why, as of 2008, there has been very little heard from Ancient Astronaut Theorists. Some Ancient Astronaut Theorists believe this was a government plot to disrupt Ancient Astronaut Theorists. Since there are more female Ancient Astronaut Theorists, tv shows have seen a great boost in ratings (and female Ancient Astronaut Theorists have learned to use the phrase, "Hey, I'm up HERE.")

Where was I going with this?

Oh..
Yeah, I was thinking that Ancient Astronaut Theorists can find enough stuff on this planet before heading to Mars for more material.

• Explain Rush Limbaugh.
• Why is 80% of my weather gray and rainy?
• How's that search for intelligent life coming?
• Faceyspaces - this could take centuries!
• the popularity of reality tv, RuPaul, and Miley Cyrus
• why women are obsessed with their eyebrows
• Male Pattern Baldness

In completely not-related news, the History Channel is running a series on Project Blue Book. Of course they are - you can find anything you want on the History Channel, provided it's not history. There have been a few official projects over the years to deal with UFOs. What this means is to explain away UFOs. This is acknowledged. Project Blue Book was run to explain as many UFO sightings as possible, in a very boring way (even if it was clearly made up). The program 'explained' well over 90% of sightings, to avoid panic and so people could point at ufo investigators and laugh.

Yes, UFOs have been investigated for over 100 years. No, the results aren't available to us, unless they can be easily explained away. Even Roswell has had three official explanations. Temperature inversion and the ever-popular swamp gas were some of the ridiculous explanations for sightings.

J. Allen Hynek was a scientist brought into Project Blue Book to help explain away as many sightings as possible. As he continued investigating, he realized the phenomenon was real and became a 'believer'.  He will pop up in the show and had a cameo in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Ask yourself why someone who has seen and studied UFOs is called a believer. And why there were official projects put together to discredit ufo sightings.

• A Scottish woman has suffered chemical burns after being given male erectile cream for a dry eye.  No, it will not keep you awake all night.

A Nebraska man, declared brain-dead by doctors, woke up after the family's decision to 'pull the plug.'  Turns out he suffered from a rare condition called posterior reversible encephalopathy syndrome. That's gotta be slightly embarrassing to the family. Gee, sorry, Dad... we didn't mean to kill you.. really - they told us you were a vegetable. 

• You heard it here last: Sears is closing all its stores.
• People older than me remember the Sears Catalog. We remember shopping at a number of Sears stores and outlets. The only positive thing about this is that Craftsmen tools are now available at Lowes. RIP.

Why use TOR?

Because even though you have nothing to hide, you are still entitled to privacy. It's very difficult (but not impossible) to track people who use TOR. You can browse through it on your pc and phone (any operating system). You can check email through it. Consider it just like what you're doing now, except it may be a hair slower, but you're regaining your privacy. You can visit TOR or non-TOR sites.

• In a recent Dutch test, 42 of 100 android devices' facial recognition was fooled by a photo of the owner. Highly effective security.

Dear lefty:

• Top Topton, of Tottingham, asks how tall are you?
• Dear Bottom: ask your mother. Height is irrelevant in the horizontal plane.

As our 'leaders' (the children up top who steal and spend our money) are still stomping their widdle feets, government is still in a shutdown. You will notice that the entire country has not broken off from California and set sail to Europe. One reason is that the majority of government activity is already funded, so the strike doesn't affect the whole fetid enchilada. Yes, there are services missing, but let this serve as a small example of how overbloated this government is. You could easily cut it drastically, while not cutting services. You could cut it lots more to get rid of places (and countries) the government doesn't belong. 

• She said her hobby was playing banjo and her favorite band was Rammstein. If her hobby and band ever come together, the result would be like matter meeting antimatter.

Everybody loves a hot tub. Manufacturers love that everybody loves a hot tub. The new tubs have (wait for it....) Internet of Things connections! You can remotely set water temperature via your cell phone. The only problem is that so can anyone else near the tub... because who cares about security - it's all about features! It's so easy to get into (not the tub - the tub's alleged security) that it will almost immediately wind up on the huge site that lists open systems. Yes, Shodan has a list of open wifi, tubs, and even baby monitors that anyone can connect to. Until it's fixed (ha!), feel free to drive by your neighbor's house and set their hot tub to freezing.

• They say he found Christ in prison. 
• What was He in for?

Some interesting fellow spent three hours licking doorbells in one neighborhood. As of yet, this fetish has not been classified, so it's up to us:

• Lickomania
• Germophile
• Pranker
• Lickus Bellus
• Fetishist Dumbass
• Sick F-ing Bastard

Going on Tour with The Monkees, Playing Mike

Predictum, the University of California Berkeley's project, scrapes Faceyspaces, Twitter, and Instagram posts to assign a 'risk score' of a target (prospective hire). Noted:

We should all take for granted, then, that nowadays our social media posts are being scrutinized.

Apparently my nieces didn't get the bulletin, as they have posts all over the place of them completely drunk, tossing their cookies, and throwing gang signs (these are early 20-something white [bread] girls).

The software must be pretty accurate: Faceyspaces and Twitter are attempting to revoke all access. Here's the great part - don't read if you're drinking or eating:

Facebook revoked most of Predictim’s access to users, on the basis of violating the platform’s policies regarding use of personal data

Mozilla's guide to creepiness of holiday purchases.

• At work, I can't get into Helpdesk's ticketing system. Someone suggested I fill out a ticket to get it fixed.
• But seriously, when I could get to it, it had reversed time: the system told me it had fixed the problem before I told them there was a problem. Quantum Helpdesk.

University Yucks:

Two London student groups are replacing the word women with "womxn" in communications, to be more inclusive.

What about words for womxn who identify as telephone poles or fluffy bunnies?

• Who named the British dishwashing liquid 'Fairy'? The Marketing department must've gotten some really good stuff.
• Buy their other products: Pussy, Sperm, and the new soap, 'Faggot'

Bugcrowd University offers free courses on security:

Learn the basics of hacking and bug bounty hunting with videos, tutorials, labs, best practices and more on GitHub.

• Oopsie - Dell reset all user passwords. We can't be too upset about this - after all, they're a small company with few resources....

In Pennsylvania, our drivers licenses use facial recognition. I was furious when I found out. Know who else uses facial recognition? China. At least China doesn't pretend they're not draconian. The other day, one of their cameras saw a billboard on a bus, featuring a celebrity, and thought the bus was the celebrity.

My rants about driverless cars are legendary (here only). Now the software can be used for cars AND facial recognition - that's driving and spying. Do you feel comfortable with buying a driverless car now? After the Muskmobile killed one lady? After another driver went the same route and found the car trying to kill him too?

For some people, this is the future. I can't argue their point, but I'll repeat my objection: the technology is not ready for prime time.   As for spying, that's a different issue entirely. America would have to actually DO something to stop it, hence there will be more and more. On a personal note, I would be terrified to be in a driverless car. For my entire life, someone has been driving. If I don't see someone holding the wheel, I might scream loudly, thinking we're going to CRASH. It would take longer than it's worth to get used to, even though I don't like driving that much (not to mention the privacy issues).

• Five lightweight browsers for linux

Our good friends and fearless privacy advocates at Google are in trouble. Again.  Seven EU groups say Google's location tracking is against the law. I like the EU, at least today. You know you'll never see legislation like this in the US. In fact, it's probably exempted from laws. They're facing a class action suit in the US, though. The depth of Google's spying is astounding, per the article.  They use all sorts of Sneaky to trick users and steal their info for marketing. There is a program called 'close the loop' which proves that if they have more than one piece of information, they can link them up for a more complete and accurate profile. Just like Faceyspaces. It's not like we haven't been warned...

Google's response is that you can opt out, and that it's not fair that people can sue them.

Dear lefty

• Blue Ball, Pennsylvania's Don Somewhatconfused asks why people put laptops on desks.
• Because Mom drank while she was pregnant with you.

Things are going well here at Hell Central.
Every now and then, I wish I were a Normie. Just like everyone else.
It usually passes quickly.

Todays Project of Death was printing.
Normies can print with just a mouse click.
Not me.

No, when I need to print, it requires 2 printers, 4 laptops, a coupla cables, much screaming, and my Comfort Elephant for afterwards. He's called Stanley, because I call a lot of things Stanley.

With the printer on, I hit PRINT.  That should do it. I set the whole thing up and it has printed reliably ever since (all three times I used it). So there's no way in hell it's going to work today, especially as these are important papers. And if there's one thing I hate (there are literally thousands), it's doing anything at all with a printer, except printing. Troubleshooting, changing toner/carts, trying to determine whether it thinks it's online or not, and calling Stanley to demolish it (CLYDE - SCRAP THE MERC!).

So naturally it didn't print.
I told you so.

The printer was on, connected, and there were jobs in the queue. So I released them and just like my sex life, nothing happened. Since that didn't work, I tried it again, like my sex life, with the same result, like my sex life.

Printer told me it was ready to download.
Download WHAT? It doesn't download pages....
It was still definitely connected.
This is when the screaming came in handy. Or that's what I told most of the neighbors and the police. Although it still wouldn't print, I think I intimidated it just a little.

What do you do when it doesn't work?
Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again?
The guys who program printers have a wicked, sadistic sense of humor. Never watch the display as a printer comes up... they make the boot sequence run through about 12 different red light indicated errors before things settle down. And when it settled down, it made a noise. I swear the little f-er is mocking me, ever so slightly.

Releasing the jobs again, the 2 whole pages printed.
And then 2 more printed.
And then a whole buttload more printed.
Mind you, I printed TWO friggin pages of an email.
Something in the line thought I said two COPIES of the entire 134 page email.
Or the little f-er is still mocking me.
So I called Stanley.
And we won't have that problem ever again.
Until the next printer.

• Suspected criminal to police: these pants aren't mine - they belong to a pregnant girl. Same suspect: can you take these handcuffs off so I can put my hair up?

Hey, have you stayed at a Marriott/Starwood hotel? Ever?
I ask because Bad Guys spent four years inside their network. They were only discovered when they tried to remove their malware. In addition, Starwood purchased Marriott while the criminals already had access to the system. The odds are in your favor, though, because only 500 million accounts were accessible.   It sure is convenient to use credit cards and bank cards for transactions, but it seems it's better to pay cash for everything. You won't lose your card or any information in the inevitable break in. Remember: it's not just the vendor...  it's everybody else in the chain.... processors, employees, third parties.. If you used your Starwood password for anything else, change it now.

Unrelated: Now would be a very good time to send job applications to Starwood. My Spider Sense tells me the higher levels of IT will be hiring soon.

Also Unrelated: The Dunkin Donuts Perks program got hacked. Just Perks.
P.S. You don't need an app to buy coffee. Really. It accesses your location and tells you you're near a Dunkin, then stores the information, plus whatever else you give it permissions to. Same for any app from any retail outlet.




Dear lefty

• reader Sandy Vajyma asks what happened with the last girlfriend before you got married? 
• Dear Twat: she had one more penis than I require.

Police in West Virginia fired on a black man carrying a gun that wasn't loaded.
A policeman was fired.. the one who didn't shoot the man with the gun. Interesting story.

• the Google Play store said there was an update to the Duckduckgo browser. What are the chances.....

Whatever it is, I'm Against it

No, really.

It's a shame people are completely unaware of the Marx Brothers. Clever stuff.

HEY YOU KIDS - GET OFF MY LAWN!

Having the digits in your age increment is a bitch.

Some of us don't actually age, age being how you feel. I never left 18.

Along with age comes a change in attitude(s).

For one thing, we become our parents (TURN THAT NOISE DOWN!), uttering some of the same phrases. More amusing might be our reaction to this, if we ever figure it out. Oh f-ck - my MOM used to yell that when I tested my amplifier's wattage claims. I had a Marshall amp, made in England. English watts are louder than American watts (I made that up; it infuriates purists and police, who I got to know on a first name basis). 

Someone said I have Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

NO I DON'T.

Seems more a behavior than a disorder. Might also have something to do with the quality of drugs consumed by the group that puts together the Big Book of Psychological Phrases. This, in turn, is affected by the quality of drugs seized from the public. It's a great feedback system for monitoring drug quality. If only Big Pharma applied a similar system...

Did I say our attitudes change?

My brother was the most liberal fella you'd want to meet (in a good way). Live and let live. All of the sudden he had a wife, kids, violin lessons, and a house that was bigger inside than out. All of the sudden he was conservative. The change was surprising and amusing to poke at him with. That's what brothers are for. And coworkers. And people you pass on the street. Complete strangers you meet when you misdial.

I wonder if we might be looking at this from an incorrect perspective... instead of changing attitudes, perhaps we keep our attitudes and the world changes, for better or worse (usually worse).  The car stereo that was one of the coolest things in the universe has been replaced by a half decent factory stereo with more speakers than you've got sphincters (there are over 51 of them in the human body, more if you're a politician). So now you can have great disdain for those kids that run around designing their car around their stereo system. They have competitions, in which the one with the highest decibel level wins. Some are so loud, contestants don't sit in the car during measurements. Nobody explained to them that humongous woofers require a certain volume, cabinet, and distance to work up to spec. Some cabinets do not become effective until you're 15' in front of them. This might explain why the driver sometimes steers from in front of the hood, like some weird sort of DNA-impaired fire engine with louder noise.

Ah yes... changing attitudes.

If you're cursed to live in an area with winter, you'll remember your dad decreeing that you will NOT turn up the heater: you WILL put on a sweatshirt. And now, that's exactly what you do. This is one of the reasons I want to move to the Southwest: not so much to avoid winter (yes it is), but to avoid sounding like my dad. Of course I mean Dad in the generic sense: mine passed away early, so sounding like him would present more difficulties than it was worth.

Remember your teens?

All you thought about was sex. Because you loved it. Because you wanted more. Because you wanted some. This is the way we're designed.. the hormones release, in preparation for propagating the species. Unfortunately there was a tiny line of DNA missed in the program: the one that allows anyone to breed. You know where that got us.  In any case, we snuck around, fooled around, found any place we could, osculated in public, and took matters in our own hands way too much. Now any of those activities are disgusting, especially if they're your kids. Not permitted... why, when I was your age, I waited til I got married before sex. Same for drinking (13) and drugs (15). I also walked up a hill, both ways, in the snow, for 15 miles, to get a glass of water before walking uphill to get to school, 35' underground, to save on air conditioning.

We had a crazy old lady, whose lawn you dared not LOOK at, no less cross.

Next door, I have a crazy old lady, 439 this year, who I caught edging my lawn, because "you don't do it right."  Ok, maybe that's not so good an illustration. I had to threaten her that I'd have the city remove her from my property if she ever cursed it with her presence again. Of course all the neighbors saw was the long-haired lunatic, screaming at a poor helpless old lady. My next Great Idea is to have the lawn grow to crazy levels, so she'll mow it for us.

In your car (a real bomb with wheels), you madly and loudly ran up and down the street. No one knows why. Now you call the police on anybody doing over 25 on the street - HEY IDIOT... YOU MIGHT RUN OVER A CHILD!!! I don't even like kids.

You were embarrassed by your parents putting out signs on the lawn... political, causes, or just stuff they put there specifically to embarrass their kids. We shall not even mention my Libertarian sign during the election, or those misguided "Hate Doesn't Live Here" signs. Or even your American flag or "Save the Texas Prairie Chicken" stickers on your door (very inside Monkees reference).

Your music, of course, was 'real music' - not that shit they play today. Some person talking over a drum machine. You call that music? It's not even in English.  Imma do it like dis, Imma do it like dat....  The interesting thing about this is that many young persons agree with you. They are, of course, correct.

Speaking of mowing, you wanted nothing to do with it, even though it was your job and your parents gently reminded you, at daily intervals. Now that you're in your own house, you hate mowing even more you are pretty particular about your house not looking like the rainforest (even if your weather is similar).

And that explains how I found myself in the Caribbean with this 18 year old. Like dear old Dad.

IMPORTANT
The shooting at the Pittsburgh synagogue was sick and barbaric. Oddly enough, the sicko who perpetrated it didn't hide his great love for the Jews: in fact, he mentioned it a lot on social media.

Speaking of hate on social media, one of his outlets was GAB, of which I'm a member. GAB took a serious hit because of this, with their provider telling them to go elsewhere and Paypal refusing to do business with them (I cut out Paypal after this).

You will notice that his presence on Twitter was not the target of providers or financial concerns. GAB has been threatened like this since it started to get a larger and larger amount of users, mostly sick of Twitter throwing out people on the right. 

If you think about it, Andrew Torba, GAB's founder, has cojones the size of large countries, fighting social media giants and most of the internet facilities. There will be some downtime, while they rebuild and get situated with their new provider. This is all because GAB's message is Free Speech. No one is thrown off, not even disgusting antisemites and nazis, because free speech includes speech with which you disagree. I block these people(?) and have a good time, interacting with the good people (95% of GAB). Been there for years. The 5% cause it to get a bad reputation, along with the fact that it's hard right. This is popular free speech, regardless of political leanings. As a libertarian, I'm tolerated on Twitter, so long as I don't malign certain groups or use 'hate speech'. Hate speech is a fallacy: all speech is speech.

We should all be concerned about this, whether or not we align politically. This brouhaha is about GAB refusing to toe the politically correct line. Do you seriously want this in the US? Because next time, it will be your favorite network. Support free speech for everyone. Join. Speak. Contribute. Do what you want with the bad apples. Remember: I'm not hard right, but I like it there.

I was late to the party on the shootings, so I made light of GAB on GAB:

100% of GAB is horrified by this terrible, deliberate attack.
95% because of the act.
5% because they didn't kill more of them.

In any case, remember Free Speech applies to everyone, except inciting or performing violent acts. GAB immediately notified the FBI and shared what they had on the shooter's account, after closing it permanently,. 

• When I get really bored, the wife and I dress up like firemen, complete with oxygen tanks, and walk through tall buildings. It has a certain amusing effect on people.

It's not so much that tv networks are scraping the bottom of the barrel... it's more like they've gone through the barrel and are tunnelling down into the earth's crust. The latest example is a show about second hand wedding dresses. Not only does everybody get their 15 minutes; so do their clothes. I'm pitching a series about my dirty socks.

• My body is revolting. Yes, I've heard that for years, but I mean revolting in the sense that there's a riot happening. This new, healthier way of eating has caused Internal Agita. The imaginary hordes are massing; yelling and waving swords. They're rightfully pissed about not getting chocolate for breakfast, dessert, dinner, and snacks. I wouldn't be surprised if I found myself being held hostage at the grocery store: buy a ton of candy or you'll eat nothing and waste away, like some new, tragic form of anorexia. Chocolate Anorexia.
• If the SJWs ever read this blog, they'd nail me to wood - at very least for my appropriation of serious maladies.
• As my wife's real internal hordes tell me, "You just make it up as you go along, don't you."

Did you forget your secondary cell phone?

Do you have any idea what a secondary cell phone is?

Our friends at Verizon have introduced the Palm (no relation to the original Palm, which I had and loved). It's a device that you have to purchase with your main phone: it isn't available separately.

The Palm phone is a device that you can add on to your Verizon plan, which shares your phone number. It’s a phone designed for you to use on the weekends, when you’re going out for the evening, or just generally when you want to be a little less distracted by your big phone with all its apps. That said, it runs a full version of Android 8.1 and all the apps from the Google Play Store. 

So it's a phone that rings on the same number your main phone does, which you can use on weekends, perhaps as Phone Lite. Because your main phone has all its apps. They're so intimidating, like, well, a phone with all its apps. Because you spend all your free time installing apps that you don't need and will never use. More importantly, you must ask yourself if the Palm has enough SD space for all your pr0n, or is there a slot for another SD card.

You can now get away from your cell phone.
By using another cell phone.

The Palm is $349, which is more than some people spent for their phone itself. So you have purchased another phone that's better than your main phone, to jet about on the weekends or on party nights with the Clintons in Chappaquiddick.  Pretty soon everyone will have one. You won't be able to even get in to a party without one. This is clearly a product that doesn't need to exist. It's without a mandate. Not even for people who have too much money. Maybe for iDevice users who want to keep one foot in android.

There's another model for the security conscious, which will self-destruct and take out every cell phone within a 20' radius, called the NA-Palm.

The Palm will become so popular, you'll need a backup. This is when your real phone will come in handy, with all its apps.

• Welcome to the home of Weird Stuff, where things 'happen'.
• I bought 2 new, left handed guitar picks (yes, they exist). Within one week, one made it across the room on the floor; the other went to a different room entirely, and hid under a desk.
• The hedge trimmer remains in the bathroom. I stopped questioning things years ago.
• Wife just went looking for her drill. She came back with two identical drills. We have no idea how we got two. Occasionally the Weird works for us.

UPDATE:
As I mention monthly, our quiet neighborhood refers only to the people, not the heavy equipment. I have never heard such a collection of saws, tree saws, metal saws, tree chunkers, backhoes (don't call me that), and screaming rodents. WTF is the difference between a mole and a vole? It's either the country they come from or someone is laughing at us, satisfied his little joke will outlive him by centuries.

Wait....

Oh, construction noise.

You'll love the way I stitched this together.......
The update is on the hedge trimmer in the bathroom. Extensive research proved it was there to be thrown out the window onto a neighbor with a long electrical cord, to prune bushes. Each bush is the size of a Chevrolet and you can't tell where one ends and the other begins (like Michael Moore standing next to Rosie O'Donnell). Apparently trimming is the way to go with these, as opposed to my idea. Wife asked why my ideas always involve explosives, and I just smiled. So she hedged. I was in need of some entertainment when I realized that WE were now the ones making noise. I sure hope someone's telephone conversation (or sex) got interrupted or ruined by our hedge trimming activities.

• the great thing about sex with a cucumber is that when you're done, you can use it in a salad.
• Personally, I find that disgusting.. putting cucumbers in salad... bah.

So they says to me, they says, "lefty - you're a smart, attractive, cyber-intelligent fella -  what advice do you have for election officials this season?"

1. Don't get hacked.
2. Dig the electronics out of the booths, with a chainsaw if necessary. Replace with paper.
3. Do not plug anything into the net. Anything. Don't even use cell phones in the room.
4. Don't get hacked.
5. Secure everything electronic that has your name on it. Don't leave your buckets open for everybody and their fridge to see. Pretend you have important cat pictures there and secure it accordingly.
6. November is the best month to travel.
7. Don't get hacked.
8. Plug any old USB you happen to find right into the voting machine itself.
9. Accessing the secret web browser in the voting booths, surf for hacked commercial software on the Dark Net<tm>. Surfing is faster there because they don't install any annoying antivirus programs that slow things down.
10. If someone who looks like Bill Clinton shows up in overalls, needing to 'adjust the machines,' let him do his business. He did a lot of work when he was in office.
11. If someone who looks like Donald Rumsfeld shows up in overalls, needing to 'adjust the machines,' let him do his business. The man's been in DC since before Gerald Ford, who moved John F. Kennedy's wound six inches, requiring him to be doing a reverse aerial split in two places simultaneously to have been hit by the Magic Bullet<tm>. 
12. If you see anyone being accosted by screaming Dem and Rep staffers outside, rescue them by pulling them gently into the building. If you have to dislodge any staffer teeth, use the provided fireman's axe. Once the person is safe inside and commiserating with you, go over the voting instructions: close the curtain and pull the big switch up top that says Libertarian and they're all done! Think of how much time you're saving everyone.

If you have any questions you need answered, on any topic at all, feel free to leave them in the comments section. I'm here to serve.

• Tetris is 36 years old. The new Tetris champion is 16. Process that.

So those smart home 'assistants.' like Alexa and the others, have yet another listener to your activity: have a seat, you'll be shocked.. it's the government. In this article on demands, they lay out which companies have a transparency report, detailing the number of requests made by law enforcement or the state. Most don't, and don't really care.

Remember: as I told you, these are nothing more than listening devices... for Google or whichever to market to you, and your government to monitor you. How long did you think it would take? They've already been used in court. And you paid for the privilege by purchasing one.

• West Virginia is allowing people to use internet voting.
• What could possibly go wrong?
• I absolutely refuse to trade on the usual West Virginny jokes. Jokes like they just got computers but are not quite sure what to do with them. They tried putting them out on the lawn for a few weeks, but they were defective: they never worked when you plugged them in. They aren't doing well with email either.. instead of typing, they introduce themselves to the computer.. "Hah. I'm Bobby Bob and this is my wife and sister, Jenna Bob."  No jokes like that at all here, folks.

Frosting a Cake with a Paper Knife

A very common story told by people who have technically died and come back, is the Near Death Experience (NDE).  You know the story... traveling down a long hallway toward the light.. or a garden where your late relatives are waiting for you.

Sit down for a moment.
Stop the external and internal noise.
Go into the dark, maybe to the light, maybe a local light.
Are your friends and relatives there? Which ones?
What is their message, if any?
Think about it.



My wife experienced it.
She was up on the ceiling looking down.
Saw dead relatives.
They told her it's not time - go back.
Fortunately she did.


You're free to poo-poo it. You can tell me it's hypoxia and they're hallucinating (except they all seem to hallucinate the same thing).  It's a thought exercise. You don't even have to believe it's real.

• Things are going relatively well, in that I haven't heard more about the alpacas.

Parents are weird.

Even the most rational of parents have interesting little quirks.

My parents have some rather huge ones.

They're going on vacation, which is wonderful and we're all jealous. A family tradition is to take family to the airport. 

But not my parents. They leave early.

Early?

A day early.

From the airport?

No, but near the airport.

My mother, who can tell you who is about to call before the phone rings, likes to sleep at a hotel by the airport so they can get on the plane in the morning. To this day, no one understands why. I am the reason for many odd things she does, but I'm not owning this one.

• heard on tv: The Lesbian Cheering Squad is his latest picture.

The Pentagon has issued a directive restricting the use of fitness trackers and other devices at sensitive locations or high risk war zones.   The reason for this is that they got caught using the devices that divulged their location. In other words, nobody had an inkling that these devices could cause a problem, until it was pointed out in public. Then a directive was issued.

How long has ThermionicEmissions been warning about these devices? Please don't tell me one low level security d00d outdid the Pentagon by going ahead in his time machine and seeing what was going to happen. What clairvoyance! It's almost like he IS the future.

Seriously, folks.... we know the govt is a humongous monolithic organization that gets nothing done overnight (or century - you've worked at large corporations), but this....  this was not hiding in some black corner of the Dark Web, in back of Hitler's Rolls, under the picture of J. Edgar Hoover in full dress. This was a huge, beaconing, genuine emergency, visible to anyone who took a minute to think about safety and privacy.  I don't expect Joe Consumer would spend much time on this, but it shouldn't require a Serious Security Professional Prognosticator to check the Magic IT Ball to see the future.

These are the folks who protect our nation. Who spin up unbelievably huge new departments to help 'protect' us, at a cost exceeding the GNPs of most countries combined. You know better than to get me started on the result of this (TSA), right? Smile when you read your pay stub and see what you're paying for this.

This could be the harbinger of Bad Things in the armed forces. Wait - let me check my time machine.... fwwwwwip - yup, this is not going to be pretty.  Within the next few years, the Pentagon will restrict 'checking in' to Afghanistan location apps and posting your lattitide/longitude on Faceyspaces. No selfies of you in the sand on Instagram. And NO tweeting your location if you're in a country 'helping its leaders to better position the upcoming vote'. 

If this sort of thing is allowed to continue, it will no longer be fun to be in the military!


The Pentagon is welcome to contact me for consulting, but I'll save them a lot of money by having the NSA pass along what they gather from reading this blog. It's win-win. I get to blog, they get free warnings, and I get to help my country.

HONEY.... it's the phone... the Pentagon's calling again...

• a top supplier of iDevices had to shut down for a bit because of ransomware all over their network.  I told you iDevices are dangerous!

According to F-Secure, spam is through the roof because of the demise of Adobe Flash. Because people aren't using Flash, the criminals' pickings aren't as easy, so they turn to spam.  Here's the best part: long ago I was told that spam was so prevalent because 10% of its recipients clicked on it. Last year it was 13.4% and so far this year, it's at 14.2%. I often lament the fact that we're so incredibly stupid. I truly hoped that with time and knowledge, we'd become less stupid. That was stupid of me. We're spreading our stupid deeper and wider than ever before. We're actually getting more stupid. Not only do we not learn, we flatly refuse to, in favor of growing more stupid. But how stupid can we get, you ask? Don't ask, I say... they will never let you down.

• If you want to go against what security people say and insist on using public wifi, here are some tips to keep yourself relatively safe.

Overheard from an equipment vendor: "Our security team said we are not allowed to use the WiFi in our hotel room during this hacking convention, so I am running to the lobby to answer some emails."

We are doomed.

• They say, whoever they are, that our mind wants to see patterns in something we don't understand, so that's why we see things that aren't there. I wonder if this goes for the ears... The television is usually on at a volume which allows it to be heard in most of Australia, so I'm forever yelling COULD YOU TURN IT DOWN A BIT - AT LEAST TO AFRICA? I was just about to yell again, when I saw the tv was off. This means I'm hearing a tv that isn't on. The technical term for this is auditory hallucination. The technical remedy is antipsychotics. After too long or too many, one starts to sound like Ozzy Osbourne and shake a lot. I'd prefer to think my ears want to hear patterns.
• And that, my friends, is how babies are made.

COWORKER FOLLIES

HIM: This list has the information you want

ME: Do you remember the site for that information?

HIM: Whaddaya mean - the list?

ME: The site where it resides

HIM: On the list. Let me take a picture of the list and text it to you

ME: WHERE THE DEVICE LIVES, where it is plugged into power, where it sits behind a door, its location, where it gets a network plug, where it blinks its lights, where people go to fix it when it breaks, DID YOU LEAVE YOUR MEDICINE HOME AGAIN TODAY?

Frosting a cake with a paper knife... refers to a very old tv commercial for canned icing. It's so moist, you can spread it with a paper knife. Then she does. This was satirized by Frank Zappa in 'Flakes':

I am a moron and this is my wife
She's frosting a cake with a paper knife....