Jazz and Tyrannosaurus Sexing

I know you're afraid that your friends will think you wear thick-rimmed glasses and a pocket protector, but haven't you always wanted to know how to read a schematic?  Sparkfun has an intro. Even though there are no tube symbols, I've decided to forgive them.

Don't:

tell your buddy his girlfriend has a hardon.

at work, end all your sentences with "as ancient astronaut theorists believe".

put your penis in the pencil sharpener

park your ICBM on the lawn, facing your idiot neighbor. I know this now.

cook with Vagisil

reproduce

Dear lefty:

• Why do you call people names?
• Because you're an idiot.

I'm sick.

No, not that way.

Really sick. Physically.

It starts in the head, feeling woozy, like watching social tv.

Then it migrates to the chest, when coughing hurts.

Then you think you're better, but you're not.

Then your wife tells you that you have a fever and look what can best be described as gray. Because we are men, and need a female to tell us this stuff. This is because of rectal thermometers when we were little (which explains a lot). 

When helping with menial jobs has become an insurmountable task.

When you're so hungry but can only reach the peanut butter and jelly in one jar. Getting up to fix yourself something is unthinkable, like the tv networks airing a funny, original show. Falling off the couch presents a choice: do I haul ass up to bed? Nah, the floor is perfectly comfortable.

There's the Dayquil and the Nyquil. You've become a drug addict, with one drug to allow you to stay awake and another to help you sleep. Neither works well or gets rid of your cold. You fall asleep on Dayquil and Nyquil does nothing, but at the same time manages to taste like souffle of emesis.

The most fun is losing your sense of taste, sometimes off and on. I take revenge on myself by eating stuff I hate, like my wife's moldy ten week-old simmered socks cheese with XXX on the label. Of course once in my mouth, taste switches back on, my body spoiling the one revenge I get on it. It says something about exercise and chuckles.

I woke up this morning feeling almost bouncy. So good that I'm actually looking forward to doing the dishes. No, I am not hallucinating.

Naturally the wife told me I still have a temperature.

She said this as she reminded me we're picking up the new furniture today.

Tomorrow's installment will depend on whether or not the hospital has wifi.

• Millions of devices vulnerable to complete takeover - security cameras, baby monitors and smart doorbells. No solution in sight.

Opt out of facial recognition at airports. Yes, it's being phased in, without notification or your permission. This is the latest insult to your privacy.

Some things never change:

Eager to give CNN (if we don't like the news, we make it up) another chance, I tuned in. It took about two minutes before the president was somehow responsible for the synagogue shooting.

Not that there's any better news outlet.

• Just in case you like privacy like I do: the information of 80 million US households sat in the open, with no password, for the taking. The owner of the data has not been identified.
• Do you wish to trust idiots and incompetents with your personal information?

Officials in Montreal, Canada, are warning people to stop sightseeing and snapping selfies in flood zones. This is why we are doomed.