Smoking at the Gas Pump

It turns out that many security apps on the Google Play store are impotent or fake.  Always be careful when choosing an app of any variety. At very least, bizarre wording is a clue.

• A 320lb ($247 Canadian) woman was sentenced for sitting on and smothering a girl.
• Too stupid to figure out she can get paid for this.

Dear lefty:

• If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
• Hemlock.

An astronomer married his wife because she had a celestial body.

• A woman nearly died after she injected herself with fruit juice.
• And people tell me chocolate is bad for you...

My wife is going to brunch today. 

Why in the entire universe do we need a word like brunch?

Have our finest scholars been working on this for one hundred and two years? "Let's see... it's just not right to call eating at 11:00 breakfast, nor lunch. We need another word for it... hey, let's smash the two words together! We can call it lunchfast!"  You will notice that after this great bit of wordsmithing for no particular reason, no one has started on a word for eating dinner at 9pm. I dunno about you, but I call it dinner.

• Mick Jagger is undergoing heart valve surgery.
• At his age, with his experience, that's the luckiest heart valve on earth. 
• For each year Mick Ages, it shows twice on Keith.

A Montana school has noted that there is a 'severe lack of women in cybersecurity,' so they're offering a cybersecurity program to high school girls. Noting there's a 300,000 person shortage, the field obviously needs women only. It sounds kind of sexist.

• Proof of God: Tyler Perry is retiring 'Madea', as of this most recent affront movie.

President Trump is eyeing Judge Amy Coney Barrett to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Her appointment will depend on whether she passes the Snore Test.
A cybersecurity researcher at Tenable has discovered multiple security vulnerabilities in Verizon Fios Quantum Gateway Wi-Fi routers that could allow remote attackers to take complete control over the affected routers, exposing every other device connected to it.

• There are ear lifts by the bathroom sink.
• Do ears sag, like breasts? Is there surgery (of course there is - there's surgery for everything)?
• Breasts? I just love saying breasts. 

Dear lefty:

• Why did the sign language interpreter put on gloves?
• she spoke with an accent

You are allowed up to four dead seahorses when entering Australia.

I am here to make your life less difficult.

The next time you complain about your job, remember my buddy, who just took a mandatory course on workplace shootings.