Captivity - Day 72 Now the shoe's on the wrong hand

It's weird again.
Not only is it warm, it's light. There's not a looter in sight.
I'm like a psychotic poet.

It's so beautiful outside, there must be a tornado on the way.


I feel really bad for releasing this, but I found out the looters' plan for tonight: at 6pm, they will loot the libraries and book stores, where they will hold a sit-in and demand the librarian read books on civil disobedience. To avoid SWAT, they will be socially distanced. So as not to cause too much damage, they will only enter buildings where the doors are unlocked. There will be no incindiery devices and no one will be allowed to smoke. TV coverage will be minimal and Crosby and Stills will play an acoustic set (Nash is undergoing 'treatment' at an undisclosed facility in California). The looters will clean up after themselves and leave donations to the library and small businesses in the area.

Today's most ironic item: in protest of the Floyd protest, Target has closed (at least 3 stores were destroyed).

The National Guard was called out in Philthydelphia and Montgomery County, where a very expensive mall is located. Do the math.  The looting started around noon today. Ever helpful, Idiot Mayor did everything but blame Trump for starting fires himself. He and Idiot Governor went on about social injustice and very little about not destroying and looting. Idiot Governor said they were working on justice, with people of color in positions.  How does this help? Are only people of color qualified for the positions? Or women?

Also, for unknown reasons, I found myself awake at 6am. This only happens for trips to the airport and showers with a friend. This must be a sign. Of what, I'm frightened. This probably means the napping will be good today.

At this hour of the morning, tv is beyond dead skunk. There's religious shows, 30 minute commercials for penis enlargers, exercise equipment with a 60 day guarantee and a 30 day guarantee that you'll never use anyway, game shows from the 1970s, religious shows, and the only thing I can stand, "Beat the Press."

Speaking of shortcuts, if you delete something, especially something important, ctrl-z will bring it back (in most programs). You didn't lose that sentence!  To avoid having to bring back text, set the program to backup frequently or do it manually (witcher hands).


Speaking of bladder leak underwear, there is a commercial for a new line of them. Well, that's nice, at least for the women who suffer from bladder leak. Oddly, there were no men. Regardless, there were models. I would guess that most people are not up for seeing bladder leak underwear commercials, no less one with models.  To put the cherry on top, some of the models are..... a little plus size. I know, I know, they want to show people they come in larger sizes, but isn't there a way to do it without showing a lady of 380lbs+ (450 litres Canadian), dancing around only in their product? Even the plus size women I know do not want to see this. We don't even want to see the 125lb models. The fashion industry lies to us by telling us most women are sizes 4-10. Can't we just believe the lie?


It's very early in the morning and gravity is up before I am. Either gravity or assault. While making coffee, a very large and very sharp knife launched itself at my foot. Great - add Mrs lefty and there are 2 things trying to kill me in the house.  Didja notice that I never type about great sums of money or expensive, old, left handed guitars arriving?

Captivity - Day 71 Wawa's on Fire

Folks - there's some good lootin' and firin' and destruction to be had in Philly.
Jealous of all the other cities getting news coverage, the Philly Animal Corps was out, trying to destroy various spots in Philadelphia. The protest started peacefully, but that was not good enough. Cars started to set themselves on fire. Urine and stones started to throw themselves at police. Private residences also set themselves on fire. Wawa, a regional convenience store, just got itself set on fire. The looters were not there to say anything about George Floyd: they were there to get them some. At last monitor, they were on their way to the Liberty Bell. Bottles were just throwing themselves at the liquor store. And naturally, Target was attacked. Ooh, a policeman just got run over (by himself, no doubt).

The police were more than restrained, even as the vandals attacked the firemen. The riot was a great example of two things: although they riot, they use social distancing. Black and White can live together - both were looting.

Make no mistake, this was not about George Floyd.


I don't approve of violence on any side and am happy the police have 'less lethal' weapons. We need more of this. How about the Egg Gun - it shoots eggs over the entire crowd.  The stocks are a winner every time: you lock people in and others throw rotten veggies at them. The poopie cannon. The urine tank. I need to get patents on these.




The gravity continued today, even infecting Mrs lefty. Today it was food. I'm surprised the dog wasn't on cleanup duty, but she's a little picky. We'd be standing there, minding our own businesses, snacking on something, when it would leap to the floor. Then it would happen again. As of this moment, there's enough on the floor to feed all the looters in Philly.


The naps also continued. Although it took an hour or so to get to the first one, I managed to get in a few more than normal. While the couch is a better and cooler place to nap at this time, I voluntarily took the bed (I was told to).


All the commercials are now on the "Thank you first responders, nurses, etc" but there are other essential personnel: who thanks Dairy Queen? Wawa? The supermarket? We do - and they're shocked when we tell them. Nobody thanks them.

Captivity - Day 70 not as exciting as day 69

A Real Pollock

We have several problems, here at the ThermionicRange, even discounting its inhabitants. Stuff falls off walls, stuff falls off tables, and dirty dishes reproduce in the sink.

Most people would be fascinated with this. Entire tv shows have been done on it.  At this point, I'm less interested in the cause than the solution. A plastic glass leapt off the table, following a house guest. While we're not all that fond of guests, even I know this is not the way to go about it. The worst is Gravity Days. You've had them, whether you know it or not. You pick up a glass, which immediately goes to the floor. You drop the sponge in the sink a time or 12. Expensive possessions rocket to the floor while you're holding them or walk past them. Or look at them.  Sometimes, even thinking about them causes an electro-gravitical pulse, knocking the object where it is most likely to commit suicide.


Yesterday was a particularly bad Gravity Day, unlike we've seen in months. I walked into my Office of Captivity and immediately lost 10 items. I watched them go down, like a train off a cliff, some in a loose alphabetical order. Normal humans would be very amused by this gravitical display; I growled (a frequent, useful response that can cover a lot of ground). After a few hours, I grew agitated with this somewhat amusing display: all it was missing was a song and dance routine above the couch. So what do we do? We take lemons and make Orange Crush.

After watching my coffee cup do the long jump to the floor, taking a paper plate with it, I decided Something Must Be Done. This is usually the start of some really hideous, expensive, time-wasting endeavor. I do not disappoint. A man can only take a certain amount of crap before the Internal Twig<tm> snaps and Stuff begins to occur. In normal people, this can take years. Here, it's 10 minutes. Or less.

Something had to be done, and I was(n't) the man to do it.  As Mrs lefty was out, finding out which stores were open for Emergency Shopping, I was watching stuff leap to its death while I worked. Pro Tip: MUTE your work phone before letting loose a string of profanity, detailing what you like about a task or program or dog. It was not pretty. It had been 3 minutes and I had gone past my limit (temper AND credit card), so I decided to take a different mode: I launched the items myself. It's like your car breaking and you know it's going to be at least 4 figures to fix it, so you ram it into a convenient stop light or police car. This turned out to be my inspiration, my muse, my ability to finally conquer constipation!

I picked up a coffee cup and launched it outside the office.
This felt so good AND appealed to my artistic sensibilities (I *have* no artistic sensibilities), so I threw something else. Coffee mugs weren't a problem - I like to keep at least a week's worth in the office - makes things comfortable and discourages people from sitting. During my Own Private Physics Experiment, I notice the harder I threw an offending item, the further it went outside the office. Essentially, I had launched a couple boxes of Stuff out of my office. It's not MY fault - it's the damn Flying AIDS that forced me to work from home.

Mrs lefty returned, not quite suicidal from the shoe stores being closed, and was truly curious about the (additional) mess outside my office. "I was redecorating." Like most stuff I say, she said nothing. I was upset, as I didn't even get an eye roll from her. My general solution is to up the ridiculousness of my statement, but I wanted to play this cool.

her - "What is this?"
I was redecorating.
"Oh. Why are my 4 vases in pieces on the floor?"
To make omlettes, you have to break some vases.
"Ah, and this colorful display on the couch?"
The grape juice kept trying to leap off the laptop, so I took care of the matter proactively - aren't you proud of me?

As she walked around the house, she'd ask ridiculous questions about why, and what a muse was. I got tired of explaining, so I turned this into a business opportunity: lefty Pollock. People will pay me millions to come to their houses and throw their own crap at their walls. I will be THE new artist. I'm weird, I can't draw, and I have more social problems than most of the artists put together. In other words, I'm PERFECT. I'll finally be able to afford those guitars that are older than me!


It's raining again, which means someone's mowing. What IS it around here? There should be signs up or something. WARNING: No Silence Zone. Mowing and Construction Ahead. If we forced them to use electric tools instead of gas or pneumatic, it would at least be fun to watch. Ever put aluminum foil in the microwave?     (PS: don't)



A moment of respect, please.
George Floyd's mother got on tv last night and thanked everyone for their support. She asked for peace. She must be among the strongest people on the planet.


People are not very accepting of Minnesota jokes yet. Maybe they just don't like black humor. Oops. Sick humor.


The Blob, filmed just outside of Philly, will be running this weekend, at the very theater it was filmed at.  I had a great friend who lived right there. He is missed.

Captivity - Day 69 heh heh

I was waiting the entire captivity period to type that.
(get it - period?)

Twitter's anti-porn filters (We'll save the world from posts WE find offensive!) blocked access to Boris Johnson's chief advisor, Dominic Cummings, from gaining traction on the platform. Also caught in the filters were Nancy Nuckers, Stacy Swellows, Bill Yunt, and Steve Hardin; Johnson's Porn Advisory Board. When asked for comment, Johnson said, "We have to identify the porn before we block it."

It is a sickening color of brown and green.
Last night I got out of mowing because it was going to rain.
But WAIT... it's raining and there's still mowing. It sounds more of the electric and solo melody, but I still don't care. They're religious and if the old dude with boat and animals comes by, they'll ask him to mow, one last time.


I tried to make a point with Mrs lefty (uh-oh) last night. On days when the Precision Stereo Multi-Altitude Mowing Team isn't outside, doing their work, I now have the Precision Stereo Multi-altitude Construction Team. I don't know what they're building and I don't care. The 2 groups have coordinated so they never perform their suites on the same day. The mower team takes Monday, Wednesday and Friday, while the house team has Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. This way there's %&$ing NOISE every #&@ing day of the *&%ing the week. Since Mrs lefty knows the owner of the Construction team, I asked that she tell him to have the noise stopped. She looked at me, with that eyes rolled back look she always has when I talk, and said nothing. HEY - I work at home too. I have to listen to this #&@#ing noise every (#&$ing day. How about some consideration for people who telework without pneumatic equipment? AHA - we can use our lack of noise and force them to listen to it one day a week. They'll commit suicide! And we'll have a quiet neighborhood again.

Or we could call the police and tell them the construction guys are not social distancing.


My scanner program just alerted me that there were threats to behead Governor Whitmer in Micambo County. Minnesota. Are these a bunch of calls or one? Note: we do not want the woman to be hurt in any way: that's what the legal process is for.


Bad Bad Target

I think an official, impartial investigation must be opened into Target.
I don't know what they did but it was enough to piss off 2 whole groups of people in 2 different groups on 2 different nights.  Even though I don't know what Target did, I take the word of my brothers and sisters in the Floyd protests. Perhaps an impartial investigation can turn up what kind of racism or shit they have pulled on the people. It's probably the white man - crackas tryin to keep them down.

But in these days of riots and demonstration, they may be looting, but at least they're social distancing.


(RIP friends and family) It's impermissible.


if you want to listen to the police feed, go to broadcastify.com
Youtube for live video.

I hate to sound like this but PEACE. Make your point peacefully and respectfully.

Captivity - Day 68 It's a stand up desk, Susie

One does not telecommute in the dark (unless one wants to).
We get things like machine overheating, human overheating, wife overheating, but I won this morning: I went for a chocolate covered breakfast nugget and dunked most of my hand into my coffee cup.  Beat that.

Sensing the temperature had exceeded 80 degrees, a fan blew up.
No problem - we can borrow my office fan until we get a new one tomorrow.
Tomorrow never happened (a temporal anomaly) and for some reason, the fan is now sticking to the floor, as if it has been there 24 years. How does this stuff happen? The keyboard already smells like coffee - now the fan will smell like dust and dog treats.

Which brings me to The Chair.
For purposes of this blog entry, let's say you know the chair. It's a long, leather, vibrating, articulating chair. It's pretty damn comfortable, especially as our dear departed cat thought. He shredded the hell out of it. There are handles that lock the chair in place. In a very clever move, the manufacturer of the chair has the handles move out to trash the knee of whoever's walking by. In the other direction, it trips them AND trashes their knee.  WHAT- we don't have enough trouble in the house without dangerous furniture?


Dammit, things have changed. Protesters mad about the death of George Floyd (RIP) had a protest last night. They maintained social distancing. Read that again. 4 police were fired.



No masks, no service becoming commonplace.
Well, it's their store. I try to visit stores without this BS. Or my very smart wife does it and leaves me home, where she doesn't have to listen to me grumble.


Bible verse warning against 'religious masks' exposed after Pope's Sunday mask.
Ummm... Mr Pope... it's not a religious mask. Stop your buddies from raping children, please.

Sex workers in Switzerland offer to limit customers to 2 positions which 'minimize the risk of transmitting coronavirus' to enable brothels to end lockdown in Switzerland.

1. sex workers?
2. which 2 positions?
3. how were the 2 positions determined?
4. sex workers?
5. brothels?

THIS is where the outrage should be.
The US cannot legislate sex, but is allowed to. If they want to have sex and have people pay for it, what's the problem?

Captivity - Day 67 It's a rectal thermometer, Jimmy

I can't do that - I have an appointment.
An appointment?
Yes, I have an appointment to do nothing all day.

The weather forecast is definitely brown today - probably to make up for a nice weekend.


Speaking of shorts you shouldn't wear, it's Tuesday, which is effectively Monday, because you had Monday off. Tuesday, even if it's Monday, is the day you come back to work, even if it's down the steps. Hopefully you haven't let gravity carry you down the steps. If you had a particularly good 3 day weekend, it could happen. In my case, the dog has turned the steps into an obstacle course. She's sitting on the top step, deliberately being a spaniel, with that fake excited look on her face. What she forgot was that she spends her time with her mommy, so when she's on the steps, something's up.  And let's face it - anybody in the house is going to trip over anything on the floor. In the air. On the ceiling. Furniture. Lamps, and garages. And dust - especially dust. We are the only ones beta testing the new Conair Dust Generator. For years we thought it was just us, until some smartass told us what was going on.

Where was I?
Oh yeah, Tuesday that appears as Monday.
Since the sober-avoiders and work avoidance advocates were 'at work' all weekend, you have a ton of work to do. The weekend folks complete one piece of work, to make it look like they worked. Meanwhile you just did the rest of it. You're starting to suspect the weekend crew has other jobs and just log in for fun (and the paychecks).


Some days feature some bands. Today it's ZZ Top.
Great stuff, from their first album on.
I have 2 questions: What is a squank? What is snappy kakkie?


Speaking of kakkie, the president and the president hopeful were out paying their respects to the dead. When Melania boarded the helicopter, onlookers had to be told the president was there too.  Joe Biden took a wreath to the tomb of the unknown soldier. After he was done, he put the wreath on his head and asked when they were going swimming.

Captivity - Day 66 A Memorial

I have to give it to the weather: it has held up nicely for our 3 day weekend.
It's a shame that Idiot Governor held up, still forbidding business from being done in PA. Calls to random businesses elicited similar reaction to ThermionicEmissions: Idiot Governor must step down or be impeached. Businesses are failing and Idiot Governor has no idea what he's doing, yet is driving the bus (off a cliff).

Beaches opened today. The funniest thing, aside from seeing people, was the whiners who were on screen, whining that the bathers weren't observing social distancing. This is probably the guy who calls the police when his first grade class has 1 more than the number of allowable children at the birthday party. Or counts the people in the ocean to make sure he doesn't have to call the police and fire because the sand is overcrowded. If you look closely, you can see a slight twist to his nose, from getting punched in it repeatedly.  So the beaches opened today in New Jersey and Delaware, but you couldn't buy food or stay at the motels. I don't know about you, but I desperately want to drive hours so I can play in the sand, get sunburn, eat highway hamburgers, repeatedly calm the dog, then drive hours home. A day well spent - AND you can tell everybody you went to the shore and took the dog.

Much to our amusement, there are face mask confrontations. Somebody, probably Sparky, as mentioned above, sees someone in a store, sans mask, and goes ballistic. He pushes the pre-programmed 911 button and goes nose to nose with the offender. When he reaches the hospital, the nurses groan, say "Hi, Sparky" and ask which body part someone broke this time. When Sparky hits 65, he'll be able to tell when it's going to rain when his nose hurts.



PA doesn't have much in the way of sand, but we have a shitload of brown, ugly water in which large ships put stuff and drop stuff off, presumably for concrete companies.


What did we do today?
NOTHING. Same as the other days, although no one woke me til 12:30. I had to wait til 4 for my first nap.

I don't want to know how long I've been in the house, first because I can't count, and second because it literally involved food shopping, weeks ago, plus 6 weeks before the Flying AIDS.

Mrs lefty is always helpful in these times: I think I have this figured out... she's either tired of me or fooling around (or both). When it's nice to go out, she offers me the choice of something so stupid, I'll never go. "Honey - how about we visit my sister with 16 kids showing up today?" Or "Want to go to the convenience store? They have MILK!" Or "The home improvement store just got a new shipment of Flying AIDS-free nails."  So the dog and I hang out on the couch, per Prophecy.






Our hearts go out to the brave people and families of those who lost their lives for our country. It is doubly sad that this happened for the benefit of the Military Industrial Complex.

Captivity - Day 65 Susie-don't put that in your mouth

What's the best way to tear a paper towel diagonally?
Tear it on the pre-perforated straight line.


Something's up... I found myself awake at 10:30 (that's a.m. for anybody still reading). I think the best way to deal with this is to take a nap. I've been told I snore like a Saturn rocket: I don't hear it at all. Occasionally I give her a break and nap on the couch (it's easier than typing 'she told me to sleep on the couch').


What's the best way for a normal couple to discover they need to use the bathroom NOW?  That's easy - break the toilet.  Well, we didn't break it so much as it stopped working. There are exactly 2 people in the house plus one dog. The dog has it taken care of, but I suspect I'd upset the neighbors even more if we followed her example. The bipedal denizens of said house have the plumbing aptitude of Idiot Governor. This is, as they say, NFG.

We threw stuff at it. Everything the internet told us, although I suspect we came upon a few joke pages (M-80, C-4, lasagna, baking soda) and I can affirm that throwing lasagna and baking powder at a toilet is a bit of a failure. Especially if you miss the toilet. Then we tried putting the stuff IN the toilet. We were triumphant in our success, although the toilet remained broken. I remember my school days, when explosives always had an effect on plumbing, but felt it was the wrong effect. I had just gotten done reading an article about plumbers charging $400 to take phone calls over the weekend, and we were short of lasagna. We called Cousin Luigi and asked if rigatoni was an accurate substitute for lasagna. He said no, because it took much longer to cook.

We were starting to get upset. Well, she was. When something bad happens, I surf harder. It makes the house a lot more quiet.

To make a long story longer, like magic, the toilet was functional this morning. And there was not so much as one Saturn V missile missing from my stash (the NSA is going to have a blast with trigger words on this blog today).


Speaking of giraffes, I was forced to do that thing that I hate most in life: mow. It's not so much forced as Mrs lefty goes out to do it, interrupting my 2nd nap of the day, and I can't rightly let her do it. I'd set fire to anything green but I'm told that's not legal, even on one's own property. Last year we hired the neighbor kids at a ridiculous rate, to mow. It was a pleasure, no matter how much they want. All of the sudden, this year, they have to study. What child has ever said they don't want money - they have to study? Maybe they don't like grass either. At least they get paid to not like grass - I get paid to grow it.

Mrs lefty takes the mower out and I give up. She wants to mow with the mower and a cane. There goes my 2nd nap. I growl and notice the crazy lady's front area is full of stones without a single blade of grass. I loudly told Wife that someone was going to mow the grass that wasn't me, or the area will be like the crazy lady's.  Or the crazy lady will call the police again because the grass is 1" over the 36" limit. "But we were social distancing from our grass, Officer."


According to the news, New Jersey is opening Tuesday. I guess their Idiot Mayor used the state protocol too (threw darts at a calendar). The hotels and motels are closed, so that should put a sunny sheen on everybody's plans. Pennsylvania lobbied to keep New Jersey closed for the foreseeable future, but that's still in negotiations. Can you imagine being 230 feet in the air on a ferris wheel that is stopped every car to check if everybody has masks and is social distancing? Have I mentioned my terror of heights? I may have to test the bathroom. Again.

According to phone calls, Idiot Governor hath decreed that there will be no in-restaurant service until he turns pink. There is actually a suit against Idiot Governor - I have to sign and contribute. Impeach Wolf! I didn't vote for the idiot. Put the libertarians into office and this crap won't happen.

Captivity - Day 64 Jimmy - stop spray painting the plane

Thank God people are willing to break these draconian laws; women can now get manicures! One lady had to wait two months.

Hey - hand sanitizer people: left in a hot car, it burst into flames.
You're just screwed no matter what you do.


The weather forecast is rains, storms; equivalent to green here. 107% humidity.


Idiot Mayor stops free parking because it must no longer be essential.

All Philthy counties anticipated to go to yellow phase by June 5, according to Idiot Governor.  Idiot Governor put on spaceship by entire population of Pennsylvania.

Christmas will soon arrive for the city, as Idiot Mayor authorizes speed and red light cameras to begin operating June 1.


Here we are, at the beginning of the 3 day Memorial Day vacation. It's hot, ridiculously humid. What to do? A phone is ringing but I can't find it. That's ok, who wants to talk to anyone anyway? If they want to talk to me, they can read this blog. The house line is probably the one ringing, but that can't be answered. No one ever knows where the handset went. One day it discharged and we couldn't find it for 6 months. Nobody noticed. Now it's lost on a daily basis. I expect to find it in the back yard at some point, perhaps by the dog.



We're are doing battle with a toilet.
It's winning.


I'm happy to note that the first day of the weekend went smoothly, with only 2 naps. The first one was an hour, the second, the rest of the day.

Captivity - Day 63 Return of the SJW

The University of California (of course) has dropped the SATs because they're unfair to minority and poor students.

Lori Laughlin was found guilty and surrendered in the case of paying so her rotten child could get into college.  Why doesn't Lori Laughlin surrender to me?


With the Memorial Day weekend upon us, people are revving their internal and automobile motors to get the f- out of their houses. Some just want the freedom of driving around the block. Some want to go into the water without their mayor dragging them back out. Some want to avoid social distancing in the water. Some will delight in hearing their little bastards misbehave at a restaurant, affecting everyone around them. Ah, the good old days.


Speaking of good old days, restaurants and other public places can make use of the Cone of Silence (from the 1965 sitcom Get Smart). Married people can use the device at home. Little did they know they were producing the first encrypted text messenger...

Like Get Smart, I missed the first runnings of the show. I also missed Paul Lynde, the funniest of the Hollywood Squares. Paul was gay before it became fashionable. He was a self-loathing homosexual who channeled it into his retorts. He was damn funny.  You won't see much of him today, except as Roger the Alien on American Dad. Roger was given Paul's voice as a nod to the performer.

You've seen the news lately, with each of the talking heads talking from a room in their house. A study the other day said people would rather watch movies from home, as opposed to the movie theater. Hollywood, always a follower, never a leader, heard this news and will now put out new movies, starring:

Johnny Depp, from his laundry room, as a rocker/pirate or something.
Al Pacino, from his foyer, as Generic Italian Guy #2.
Robert De Niro, from his balcony, shouting about punching the president, featuring the Secret Service, just under the balcony, tapping his phone.
Nicolas Cage, from front yard, as Man Battling Hair Loss
Sandra Bullock, from her upstairs bathroom, where we sit there and watch her breathe.
Cameron Diaz, from her #4 clothing closet, changing bikinis

All starring in the brand new Hollywood, never before seen production, of A Star is Born (on my couch).


Idiot Governor 'eyes lifting' of many more pandemic restrictions.
You know, the restrictions that were in place yesterday. Because one day makes the difference. We have no idea what we're doing or what we know.



If you intend to spend some of your 3 day weekend on tv, my advice for you is don't. Wife looked around for her programs last night and tv was Devoid of Content, in an extreme fashion. The alleged content mostly consisted of celebrities, at their houses, talking, singing, and repairing the world through music. Yes, their alleged music was going to heal the Flying AIDS. Social distancing wasn't always used, and the only thing to do during this was to watch for social distancing errors and yell at the screen. My wife did that. I shook my head and cried for music in general. Everywhere I looked, this crap came up. Even the tiny little out of copyright channels had these idiot shows. We gave up quickly. There was nothing to do but put in DVDs or, heaven forbid, YouTube. I chose sex, she did not, which pretty much describes our sex life in general. It was stunning in its total lack of talent. Vapidity. Sadness. Lack of soul. And really fat women with less clothes than they needed in any society. I'd rather count dust particles on the ceiling.

There were Fix The World from our Living Room shows on the radio too, but they got shot down when the SJWs discovered there were no sign language interpreters.



The state sport of California is the car chase. I don't do sports, but there's something about California car chases that's just so much fun, I have to watch. You can frequently find it live on YouTube. Part of the actual chase is the audience. They'll figure out the route of the chase and will do anything they can to get on tv. This particular chase after a truckjacking, featured an audience member positioning himself in the middle of the road, throwing something at the pickup.  Another citizen helper blocked the truck with his own truck. Finally a wheel fell off, which didn't seem to bother the thief at all; he continued to lead the police on a medium-speed speed.

The chase was ended by Governor Newsom, who outlawed chases because it wasn't fair to minorities, and there wasn't any social distancing or masks.

[sigh]
it's so sunny and nice there....



lefty's Law
Anything that can possibly go wrong will go wrong.
Twice.

Captivity - Day 62 Live by the Faceyspaces, Die by the Faceyspaces

Your new Apple devices have the Flying AIDS trackers in them, but it's ok - you have to opt in.  Yup - no problem there.

The sun continues to be uncovered by clouds, but I'm told it's a little nipply out there today.


Remember the barbershop in Michigan that got fined for opening?
They just had Operation Haircut, giving out free haircuts in protest.
If you'll close your eyes and drift across continents, to North Korea, you will remember everybody getting haircuts like their leader. Do you want that sort of thing here?


A Mississippi church that sued on virus restrictions just burned down.
Either God or the arsonist does not like the odds.


Sideways related to the Flying AIDS is down there in Australia, the dolphins miss the tourists, who used to line up to feed them. The dolphins have started to bring 'gifts' ashore, including sponges, barnacle-covered bottles, and fragments of coral.  So long and thanks for all the fish.


Idiot Governor tweets about a great PA citizen on twitter, immediately gets deluged by people unhappy with his 'progress' and handling of the Second Amendment. I'm so proud.


The new White House Press Secretary said God and prayer made Trump President. She also said, "Hey - let's dress as the KKK and run through the NAACP meeting!"  Regardless of whether you believe her or not, this is a hell of a way to start her White House career.

Since science, medicine, and especially politicians have absolutely no idea about the Flying AIDS, here are some materials brought by as a potential cure:

• styrofoam
• canned air
• sleeping pills
• cat hairballs
• nose hair trimmers
• old cell phones
• monkey feces
• used band aids
• frog penis
• well-mannered social media posters

Captivity - Day 61 Your Mother Stole my Car

And speaking of dreams, all of this working at home has produced a pattern: I noticed when I sit down, I fall asleep. When I stand up, I am awake.

Today's forecast: gray, with minor periods of yellow, and occasional jackets.


Free money! Free money!
The president and Congress want to give you money.
Who will pay for it all?


The latest 'science' tells us that a slight breeze can carry the Flying AIDS 18 feet in seconds. Somewhere in the White House is a group of former cartoon writers, paid to make this stuff up. 90% of the time, other White House workers avoid this office, because there's screaming and laughing coming from it.

• Hey Jim - let's tell them the air can carry it up to 18' in seconds!
• Wait, I got it - we don't know what it is, buy you have to wear masks (nah, that's just cruel).
• One day it's lethal to people with compromised immune systems and the next it's lethal to teens.
• Let's have Trump put out an order about the staff wearing the goofy masks but he exempts himself and Father Pence from it!
• Guys - listen up: we'll have New York citizens threatened to be yanked out of the water if they go in!!!!
• Married people will have to socially distance, even if they live in the same house
• Everybody must get tested - but we don't know what we're testing for!!!!
• Horses will be prohibited from swimming!

The models predict a quarter million dead by August.

Victoria's Secret Closes

New dating app for singles drops STD tests and looks for clean Flying AIDS tests. The company went out of business because of social distancing,

The day after the dog helps by piling up dead branches, today she's outside, installing holes in the backyard.

2222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222

But seriously, folks....

At some point recently, the blog reader stats went up.

I thought it was people trying to get to other blogs through this one.

Perhaps I'm starting to offend people in other countries.

In any case - thank you. I mean it.

Captivity - Day 60 Tracking the Wolf-Moose

Derrell Sims ("The Alien Hunter") refers to aliens as Extraterrestrial Skinheads.
Take it however you want, but this is WINNING!

He ingratiated himself to the Japanese by doing a great (foul) impersonation and knowing Japanese, while they were talking about him in front his face.


Remember: friends don't let friends use Faceyspaces


SmileDirectClub Inc sued NBCUniversal for nearly $3 billion for defamatory reports about news their Teleledentistry. Teledentristy. Dental services over phone or video. A negative report on teledentistry. Who woulda thought?  Hey, Mrs Patient - can you pull C12 please? Don't worry - it won't hurt.


The Precision Multiple Stereo Mower Committee was out in full force.  I'm not positive, but I think they added a few mowers to the chorus. It's difficult to get the entire block synchronized, but they have those earpieces that the talking heads wear on the news. It must be something to see from above. At the very end of the show, they get into letters for the chopper, that say F- You (just for the children). It's better than watching band rehearsal at school. Of course the chopper must stay 11,001 feet from the mowers, due to social distancing.


Today we watched a number of public officials giving stats on the Flying AIDS, as if they had a single clue as to what's going on with it. We found out that New Jersey had 274 patients go into the hospital and 273 discharged from the hospital. The official, excited as can be, announced that it's because of the people of New Jersey. The sign language dude saw the stats and walked off the set. Even he knows the figures were bullshit. To their credit, the charts were nice and pretty, which is the job of chart-makers the world over.

What have we learned?
They still know nothing.
There is a business re-opening plan, based upon nothing.
You may not leave your house to go to the businesses, based upon nothing.
We have somehow flattened the curve, whatever that means, based upon nothing, and there have been some damn fine charts!



The crud on weekday tv is of a higher quality than the weekend crud. We have only seen 434 lawyer commercials - it was a needed break. Star Trek is on now. My only complaint is that they're all reruns. It says right in the guide - rerun. Anyway, perhaps there are some things you want to hear or may have heard....

• Hey Spock- why do you have more makeup on than Uhura? Is a woodie logical?
• Scotty - don't you have anything to do? Get off the bridge. And take that alleged accent with you.
• Sulu: we got a message from a Dr. Crusher. She asks that you stop messaging Wesley.
• Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor - not a.. doc... never mind.
• Kirk - get that dead animal off your head. No, you cannot make the nurses' uniforms 3" shorter. You two - beam down and explore the planet. We will bury you in space.

.

Captivity - Day 59 Fishing for Birds

Insurance?  We got it.
Cheap life insurance? We got it.
We can place you with $200,000 of half term life for only $20.01 per month!
The cost won't go up - it's guaranteed for life.


Because of the Amazon Rainforest, Northern Edition, we need to get the deforestation people in. The ones with the explosives said they can't work because there's too much low cover, so that has to be moved first. What kind of deforestation people can't blow up dead branches? So yesterday Mrs lefty watched Penny the Wonder Cocker stack the branches up. I am not making this up. I wonder if we can rent her out to the deforestation people. Nah, she likes explosives too much...runs in the family...

This will not go well, I fear. Idiot Governor will come up with some reason that cleaning your yard isn't essential.  It *would* be essential if he lived next to us.


There is hope for the future, though...strip clubs are reopening: 'masks on, clothes off'. Oh, was she wearing a mask? I didn't notice.


A priest used a water gun to spray holy water on his parishioners.
No, Father, I said WATER!!


Astronauts may be able to make cement using their own pee.


Malaria parasites may have their own circadian rhythms (governed by pee).


New COVID-19 drug remdesivir is here (made from astronaut pee)


So while you're allegedly legally trapped in your (or somebody else's) house, and you're tired of having sex with their wife, somebody decides it's time to CLEAN!

Not just any clean - a top to bottom cleaning; freeing the rhinos and what's left of the Supreme Court; Let's just say Ginsburg ain't the oldest member. Let's lend an ear....

Is that....
Yes, paint.
Why?
You had to touch up the door.
That was 26 year..
Don't leave it out.

What's the box of gel cells?
You wanted the paint to sparkle..
Sparkle?
Sparkle.
The paint is neon brown.
Sparkly neon brown.
26 years?
26 years.

HEY - that's my 1970 Vette with the 454!!! It was under the dining room table.
Of course it was.
I didn't know.
All you had to do is ask.

I have loved that tv ever since you bought it. It's the last of the dumb tvs. Umm... what's the other one for?
Stereo.

What is Bicentennial? Who is Nixon? Bay City Rollers?
The Bay City Rollers were the Backdoor Boys before the Backdoor Boys were the Backdoor boys. They wore a lot of plaid, which is what killed them in the end. Same for Richard Nixon, the former president, except instead of singing, he used to talk to himself. He was convinced the commies and the Jews were after him. The sad part was the the commies and Jews were after him. Credit where it's due: he was the man in plaid. Nixon's vice president was Spiro Agnew, who died trying to pronounce his own name.

OMG - the remains of my previous service elephants. I wondered where they got off to. Isn't that a Saturn V rocket?
Don't you remember the month we had Werner von Braun here? He built that 200' launch pad out back?
There's a launch pad out back?
I think it's obscured by the tvs.
There are more tvs?
Surround sound.

I'm trying to identify the huge pile to the loft of the launch pad. Radios?
Yeah, that's all my tube radios I was going to fix. And a few other things I was going to fix - 475 vacuums, among others. They stopped making the belts so we were going to shoot them into space with the Saturn V. I don't know what we were thinking.
You weren't.

That pile of bones?
SHIT - that's the entire Playboy Bunny squad from the 80s, from my party. No wonder there was so much coke left....

174 fans?
Stereo.

That mixer is the biggest KitchenAid made.
Second.

Why are there huge green cylinders here?
Some sort of inert gas or Saturn 5 propellant or something - I dunno. I just smoke near it.

Errrr... the moving thing in the fridge?
Bob the service octopus. He retired.


Thus proving that cleaning is very bad for you.

Captivity - Day 58 Frank - here's your house back

I'm not stupid, but I can do a reasonably good impression, but there are 2 things for which I have to call in the Marines (better known as Mrs lefty). The first is cereal. As a kid, none of us had a problem getting the boxes open, even to the point of taking the treat out before our siblings got it.  We never failed (except for the only children, who got everything they wanted all the time anyway).

The long and short of it is that I open the box - no problem - I open the plastic - no problem - and I pour in in the bowel - problem. If my quantum physics class
finds about this, I'll be the laughingstock of Bob's Basement School of Quantum Physics, plus they won't let me wear the propeller hat for 2 weeks.

Determined to find the solution, I apply brains (hopefully not my own) to the problem. I get either nothing or everything. I tried a very long, very sharp knife, which succeeded in opening the plastic enclosure all the way across. Nothing. I tried pouring with shaking. No luck. I tried jumping up and down. Only a warning from Mrs lefty. Using what was left of my gray matter I finally figured it out: the cereal companies found out they could save $0.004 per box by not gluing the plastic to it. Unless I have the terminal mesh and talc causes cancer lawyers, I will never get the plastic glued to the box.

I know you're bored. Most of the world is bored.
Even the aliens are bored. The secret is that they know what we're up to and the loser had to keep an eye on us before we blow up the neighborhood. We're a danger to most universes.

One thing you can do when your bored is watch the commercial for My Pillow and try to imitate his very silly Minnesota accent.

In addition to my Very Large Problem with getting cereal out of the box, there is one that's even larger, because everybody can see it: putting bags into bags. Although it's possible I was bitten by a bag when I was little, the doctors don't think so. Mrs lefty gives me a small bag and instructs me to put it in the larger trash bag. This is where things start to get ugly. If there are guests, I start to sweat. I hear the voices of my ancestors, laughing and pointing, saying what a dumkopf he is, look at him!. In spite of this positive reinforcement, I put on my Brave Face and have a go at it. Naturally I fail, which is when the laughter starts. I try again: the end of one bag won't go inside the end of the other bag, even though it's 4x as large. Even Mrs lefty laughs at me, while taking the bag back and easily putting it in the larger bag, while I watch, as if it were magic.

The doctors are not concerned about the dream where I wake up with no clothes, addressing Congress.... this is the one they want to discuss...



There's a tv show featuring collectors, with different collections. Today's is a Star Wars collection. The pretty lady next to the collector is not his SO - it's his mom. Mom has bought him all sorts of collector's pieces. He even has a eral-life Spock figure. Little Stanley obviously needs a job. Mom needs to get little Stanley a hooker. Can you say enabler? Little Stanley probably can. He has a billboard. A billboard.


I was out of my mind (further) because Dairy Queen closed early. All I wanted was a malt. Judging by the 32 person socially-distanced line, I wasn't the only one.

Captivity - Day 57 Deaf Service Elephants don't swim

Have you used a Covid N95 mask and developed Covid-19?
Our staff at Cohen, Washington, Lopez, and Chong can help you get the money you deserve. After a free, at-home, consultation (don't bring that shit into our offices), we can tell you how much we you can expect from the last-minute manufacturer of these masks. The masks were never tested and are not safe for medical use.

So if you developed Covid-19, Covid-20, Covid-25 but not Covid-24, AIDS, Herpes, Chlamydia, mask sores, and sore envy, in which you cannot afford designer masks, call us at Cohen, Washington, Lopez, and Chong. Although you see our very hip minority focus, the people who own the corporation are Philadelphia Jewish lawyers.  The other side hears this and defaults automatically.

Cohen, Washington, Lopez, and Chong - We Have Jews



Something happened today. Everything came to a stop.
Mothers were pulling their children in the house.
Social Distancing was 3', so parents could call their children.
Scientists left town.

What was it?
It was SUN.
And pleasant TEMPERATURES.
We are monitoring this and will report back, if we know anything.
Fat lot of good that will be...


We're still not 'allowed' to go guitar shopping or eat in an actual restaurant. Tonight we're having something Chinese. Hopefully not someone Chinese.
I have no trouble at all with any group (unless they're stupid) but they should probably get a marketer. Taste King? House of Basement? Tool Store? Motorcycle Shed? I'd love to hear their derogatory names for us...Fat White? Victim of MSG? Eat This Crap?


The beaches will be open by Memorial Day!
Nobody knows why they were closed and why they're opening.
New Jersey, long a target of mine, has allowed their citizens the choice: Covid-19 or skin cancer.


The Dutch government has advised single citizens to get a 'sex buddy.'
I wonder if my insurance (or my wife) will cover that.


Today's wildlife taunting the dog is a possum. 3, to be precise. So if you hear agitated barking at 3am, there is wildlife taunting the dog.

Captivity - Day 56 Can the author count?

I heard an author say 'gobsmacked.'
When somebody says gobsmacked, it's time to change the channel. No exceptions.


As I said the other day, just because the doctors say you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.


It's decidedly green today, with the intrusion of brown and traces of actual sun. Again the committee looks out the window and considers its duty - hitting the Sun Alert. The Sun Alert became ceremonial after the window was invented, but positions don't go away; especially political positions. Just to throw things off, it became sunny and windy. At this point, it's anyone's guess.


It's Friday. Don't research - just take my word.
So stay where you are today and tomorrow.
Have some sex. If you don't have a SO, have some Rental Sex. Failing that, use your hand  - self-love is a great thing. You don't have to worry about STDs.


There's a lot of shine. The sun?
No. The police. They don't like where we parked the car.


Some local person has started a movement to impeach Idiot Governor. I love this shit.


We replenished the Snapple reserves, so we can't walk in the basement anymore. Really cold lemon Snapple makes my nipples hard.


I always though it would be great to do a tv show or movie about us. Today my sole activity, besides falling asleep at work, was knocking things over and dropping things. How many of you have dropped peanut butter on your computer keyboard? Kicked anything on the floor, no matter where it is? Beat up a few neighbors? Yelled at the birds because they're dive-bombing the dog?

Breaking the Streak

I promised (myself? you? somebody?) that I'd close down the ranting and raving, concentrating instead on captivity. I think I've managed to pull it off reasonably well, but, as you'd imagine, holding it in hurts too much and I need a release valve.  The Stupid... it hurts...

TV is a mess to begin with. They ran out of ideas ten years ago and this is a rehash of a rehash of a sequel of the son of the original's cousin. Watching this crap is physically painful. To see what garbage haunts us, just turn the tv on.

The Flying AIDS has even changed the way we watch tv. The talking heads are now broadcasting from their own (or somebody else's) home - each one of them. Their social distancing is 40 miles or 2 counties. Now most of the dingalings are doing it too. They look like idiots, which is rather convenient, as they are idiots.

I spend a lot of time listening to religious folks telling me we are in the end times. Aside from being amused, after reviewing their claims, I believe tonight has provided literal video proof that they're correct. It is a sad day for me.

We know we can't go outside, nor can the (alleged) artists, news and musicians, so we have to sit in the living room and save the world from there. Our jaws are on the floor, which surely is the indicator of something involving the end of the world. Alleged artists are watching tv and this is the tv show. The entire tv show is stars reacting to tv shows. It's easy to like because you don't know who most of the stars are. As it goes further, you turn to your tv partner and wonder aloud when tv died - the actual date. We're watching a show about people watching a show. According to quantum physics, this is a quark and will repeat on itself until a black hole eats the entire planet. Maybe this is the promised end times, minus the science.

Of course, we're just as bad for watching this excrement after 3 minutes.

Speaking of excrement, TMZ came on before it. TMZ: gays making fun of straights since 2008.



Because Mrs lefty has had a bad week with chronic pain, I offered to go food shopping with her. This is a very stupid idea, proving we do not learn from our mistakes.

I was very well-behaved. From the car to the front door of the supermarket. WHAT? WE NEED TO WEAR MASKS IN THE STORE? Mrs lefty, in a moment of true genius, said 'you should wait in the car - no, really.' Since I listen to no one, especially if they make any sense and are correct, I continued into the store. I put on a world class display of grumbling. Since we live in the hell hole that is Pennsylvania, the state owns the liquor stores and you can't buy serious alcohol after certain hours. So we found some girly drinks, then saw the line to pay first was 90 people long. This reinforced my already positive mood.

You cannot buy pasta. Even the weird shaped pasta, in different colors, with names you cannot possibly pronounce after 15 years of class and a few summers in Italy. Everything else is more of less there. Except, of course, what I want. Markets pay someone to follow me around and find out what I like, so they can stop carrying it immediately. There is a really good soda available; out of which every flavor was available; except mine. That's the way it went. I kept think my wife was right - I should have stayed in the car. There was a STOP sign at one point, where a concierge (not in her job description - I asked) takes you to your personal checkout person. I am not a virologist, but this would seem to indicate you get the Flying AIDS at the STOP sign or 15 feet past it. I feel better now. You?

Mrs lefty wishes she stayed in the car. How do I know under the mask? I got the International Lefty Signal: eyes rolling. I see it a lot, for some reason.

The long and short of it is that we're being played.
We stand up, get in lines at least 6' apart, deal with shortages, flatten the curve, take the shot (as soon as there is one, Mr Gates), deal with greater limitations of our rights, and just pretend life goes on.


This isn't your garden variety stunt: it's all over the planet.
WHO is big enough to pull this off and why are they doing so?

Captivity - Day 54 Advancing Backwards

The Neighborhood Sun Association has been holding meetings about the near-constant light in the sky. The Association hasn't had to meet in years, since that one week in 1962, when there was 2 days of sun in a row. This caused a bit of trouble with the rules and formalities.

Here we were, in 2020, with several days in a row of sunshine - unprecedented. Some members referred to it as End Times. Other members, who perhaps were wont to smoke less ganja, were confused. The people who smoked nothing were totally black-faced, agreeing that ganja would have worked out better for this particular situation. The Temperature Subcommittee tackled the question of February temperatures in May. Fortunately, there was no consumption, so their meeting was through 3 hours before the main meeting.

The Temperature Subcommittee had ruled, very early, that there was, indeed, some cold motherf-ing temperatures for this time of year and adjourned for hot chocolate and Ghiarrdeli brownies (the best).  The Sun Association consumed donuts and special brownies, unaware of the legality of 'brownies.' The Association got off on 1st Amendment grounds, because it was a religious celebration (Rastafari Something). Things got testy when the Christians said it was End Times and the Rastafaris said it was time to score more End Times Special Blend.

Both committees ruled that something must be done, dammit!


Kentucky, home of drunken tractor racing and comical accents, has received a date when their captivity is over. Kentucky doesn't know why, where, or what time their captivity will end, but the citizens go on, safe in the knowledge that their leaders are idiots and have absolutely no idea what they're doing. My lone Kentucky reader, who also happens to be my lone gynecological reader, is overjoyed, because it's somewhat difficult to deliver babies virtually.


World leaders are unlikely to meet at the UN in September.
Drat - a taste of their own medicine is overdue (not death).

The Inn at Local Washington will fill his socially distanced dining room with midcentury mannequins. Tips expected to rise 20%.



Meanwhile, in The Show Goes On department, Gordon Ramsay will yell at someone and people will turn off in droves.

Captivity - Day 54 The snails are coming for us

This is the longest surprise weather period we've ever seen.
It indicates that tomorrow we'll see 8" of snow or 80 degrees. There's still time for it to rain tonight, so don't bet the farm on this one, farmers.

Do ya remember all the way back to DOS with their CHKDSK utility? It would organize the hard drive for maintenance. It had this blinky display that put people to sleep. Not to disappoint, Win 10 has this thing where if you use 2 monitors, instead of hiding the taskbar on the 2nd monitor, it makes the bar randomly jump up and down, perhaps just for fun, perhaps as a North Korean spy bid, perhaps bad coding. So you're doing something on Windows 10 (because Work says you have to) and the taskbar is randomly popping up and down, in some sort of Morse code, that suddenly makes you want to wear the most ridiculous hairstyle in the history of humanity, to look like Best Leader. Also replace network gear with Huawei.


Greetings to our friends from Spain and France.
I hope you like the blog and come back. Eventually I can pick on Spain and France.


Just in case you're feeling down, let's check in on what the Flying AIDS has done to friendly neighbors....


I'm dyin' here....
research into Flying AIDS testing and preparation is a feature of the pr0n industry. Due to strict testing that goes all the way back to AIDS, the industry is in great shape, and others are starting to research. In the Unbelievable Irony Department, the financial industry tried to sideline adult performers by refusing to work with them, to the point of disallowing their bank accounts.


Mrs lefty has had it too. She's tripping up the steps.
She's standing outside my office, trying to teach the dog not to leave her toys all over the place. I suspect only one of them will have retained it tomorrow.

Speaking of our lovely quadruped, she has graduated first in her class at the academy. She is now a full fledged sleep dog. What is a sleep dog? A sleep dog watches you briefly and can tell if you're sleeping. If she discovers you're sleeping, she wakes you up to tell you. This is a useful skill - we just don't know when.

RCA 11 Delta Pro Tablet micro review

It's blue.

Be here next week for my 1998 Fender Stratocaster review.


Well, it IS blue. I'm not positive, but my favorite color is blue, so it could only have come from Wife. Wife does nice things like that. Wife (et al) is not your standard wife, so I beg her (and everyone) not to give me presents. I once got a hair brush (that was cruel). Follow along with me as I recount the Tale of The tablets.

I bought a Samsung Mildly Expensive Model, because I wanted something serious. Naturally it quit, going into a boot loop in short order. I found out what a 30 day guarantee is: it's a design that allows you to keep a broken device for at least 31 days before you even get started finding the device's box to ship it back. Because it would take me at least 230 days to think about finding a box, a new box showed up. Since I don't like new boxes, I suggested just sending it back. It was way too small to be a guitar, so this was not going to be a good idea. [have you ever heard someone bitch about getting presents before?]

With dark, somber, Vincent Price music in the background, I opened it. I was both relieved, shocked, and annoyed. There was an RCA 11 Delta Pro. They got a deal. If one follows the logic, when my main guitar was in the shop, they should've bought me another guitar, just in case. Since they know me, they said I had 90 days to not like it (then why buy it?); I said it came from HSNQVCHomeDeliveryNetwork. Both of us were correct.

So it's blue.
It's an 11" display, which is relatively large, in a field where it is legal to say 12" equals 10.34". It comes with a detachable keyboard, which certainly ups the Gee Whiz Factor. It's actually a decent keyboard, as far as spacing goes. It's not very accurate, but I suspect it's PEBKAC-related (Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair). The not lying when they say the keyboard detaches. Thus far it has detached itself 3 times on me, without me asking it to. Don't take this as a fault or cheap construction. In fact, it's damn sturdy.

The build is surprisingly compact and sturdy. While it's possible the other colors are of the same size and sturdiness, I cannot say. I got the blue one. All the holes and stuff are located on the tablet left side, which is convenient, unless you want to use it. I'm kidding but you probably want to charge it without touching it. It uses the standard micro-USB that your phone uses, unless it uses a C (real newer android or a thunder/lightning (Apple). It also has other holes, none of which I understand. Ok, I lied: there's a power switch, a headphone jack, a usb, the aforementioned microUSB, additional RAM slot, Bluetooth, AC adapter, mic, DC adapter.,

SPECS:
* 2g RAM, 32gb RAM, expandable to 128gb
* 1.3GHz 4 Quad-Core engine thingie
* 1366 x 768
* touchscreen
* Bluetooth
* Dual 2MP camera
* Android 9 (Chocolate Cream Pie)
* preinstalled Google apps
* Up to 6 hours battery life


Comments:
* 2g RAM, 32gb RAM, expandable to 128gb- if you never put anything on the tablet, you'll be just fine. Otherwise, buy the damn extension.
* 1.3GHz 4 Quad-Core engine thingie - it's Blue
* 1366 x 768 - standard laptop resolution (I think)
* touchscreen - works just fine and confuses the hell out of me when I change to my laptop, without a touchscreen.
* Bluetooth - it's Blue
* Dual 2MP cameras  (are you kidding me? my phone has 16MP)
* Android 9 (Chocolate Cream Pie) I honestly don't know if this will upgrade to android 10 but it's worth finding out
* preinstalled Google apps  - get rid of this shit unless you really don't care. Google is a stain on the planet and exists to get your data to advertise to you.
* Up to 6 hours battery life - how do they figure this out? Here, Bobby, we're going to give you a few cups of coffee - now go play with the tablet.


OBSERVATIONS
I haven't played with it a lot yet, so here goes...

I like it so far. I love the larger screen, which allows me to make larger mistakes. It's almost weird to do things onscreen.  Every control does what it's supposed to. It's solid (dog hasn't pushed it off the couch yet).

Irony: When I was little, we'd send toys back when they forgot to put in the instructions. Now we're thrilled if they put in instructions at all.

Speaking strictly of the blue one, I think the battery could last longer. It's not crisis level but still...I'd make sure to turn it off between on(s).

Definitely PEBKAC on the keyboard. After spending a little more time with it, it actually helps make less errors. Your mileage may vary. I am cursed with the onscreen keyboard in my phone, so this is a blessing. Along these lines, I don't think the screen opens enough. Either I'm too short or the angle of opening is too long. Or both. It would be easier to see if it opened further.


To be continued....

Captivity -- Day 53 Dr Phil is not a doctor

Let's start with the weather:
it continues to be actually sunny. This is because the clouds are having coffee and haven't realized how sunny it has gotten. Within a short time, one of the clouds will recognize the unsupressed sun and it will all be over. And when I say all over, I mean the sun; the cold will stay with us. Yes, its May, and we're enduring February temperatures.

Idiot Governor maintains he's still in charge and will drop in with the paratroopers if any business tries to open. If he deems Dairy Queen non-essential, I'm joining the Resistance. One simply does not cut off malts for an entire area. Idiot Governor is overstepping his bounds.


The Flying AIDS is spreading in the White House.
The White House disclaims all knowledge and fault for the spread and asks why everybody attributes everything to it? It does good things too - but they never get reported.


A fight broke out at a Target after customers refused to wear facial covering (that's a mask to you and me). Idiot Governor Gavin Newsom rushed in with the 3rd Armored Division when it was discovered that one of the 2 perpetrators weren't female or a significant minority. When contacted for comment by the news, Target's official statement was that you usually have to go to Walmart for this level of hijinks.


Bible scholars claim Book of Revelation seals broken, 'Four Horsemen are ACTIVE.' Historically, the horsemen are death, war, famine, and disease. The Book of The Slightly Modified for Scaring You More Effectively, claims the seals are just fine, thank you, and people should stop their campaign against seafood. The other signs are Furries on the #1 tv show in the nation, social distancing, and over 90% of computers using Windows.


In addition to the Synchronized Stereo Mower Team that operates daily, today we have the Synchronized Stereo Airplane Brigade. There is no explanation of how their schedules managed to sync. Either it was pure coincidence, or meetings took place at a very High Level, possibly involving Pence, or someone at the White House who doesn't have the Flying AIDS (yet). Listen closely, as this is the technical part: the mowers achieve their stereo sound field by all being on the horizontal plane, with many many mowers riding at once. The planes also occupy the horizontal plane (see what I did there?) but they're at different altitudes, ergo, et al, sickly, they produce a very wide stereo field, especially when there is more than 1 plane. For whatever reason, most plane traffic involves more than 1 plane. The really good plane antics are not only louder than the Who; they knock shit off the walls. Like that picture of Aunt Fuck (RIP). There's a lot of noise for a small hood. Nowhere was there a sign for DANGER - YOU MIGHT LOSE YOUR HEARING. Actually, prospective buyers thought it said WARNING - YOU MIGHT LOSE YOUR EARRING.

Speaking of commercials, have you seen the one with the hot older models, pimping yet another Special Cream, designed to make them look 2 years younger, for the discounted price of $400 per small bottle. The shoot normally would have taken 3 minutes, but wound up taking 3 days, because they had to teach the models to say "Hyaluronic Acid."

Captivity - Day 52 My computer is looking at me

Hey, welcome to ummm.... wait... ummm.. aren't you going to let me guess?
Ok. Welcome to Monday (because my alarm said so). If it doesn't go off, it's either Saturday or Sunday, so I have a 50% chance of guessing what day it is. Plus my calendar says it's Shower Week.

It's been a great few days. For Nanook. Or anything happening near the north pole. It is important to remember that penguins appear at the south pole (and the zoo). And in really strange dreams.


Regardless of any news, DC is the worst city for recovery: it's full of hot air.


The queen may never return to royal duties, due to the Flying AIDS. That would be a shame. He and Bernie Taupin did a lot of great work together.


Today's Best Headline: Virus found in feces more than a month after patient tests negative.  Repeat after me: Do NOT go into science.


There will be a Travis McCready(?) concert to test whether American is ready to rock again. Has anybody given a thought to how spectacularly this could go wrong? Apparently not. With a name like Travis McCready, the audience won't be rocking (no offense to whatever they will be doing).


Apparently there's a viral video of a Chinese woman pleasuring herself on different furniture in Ikea. Chinese media got ahead of it, so it only had 9 million views.  Yes, they held onto the Flying AIDS, where people died, but at least they got the masturbation video out. Where there's a will, there's a way.


Amtrak to require riders to wear face coverings starting today.
They really jumped on this one, didn't they?


As far as I know, Idiot Governor remained in his underground lair this weekend.


My boss encouraged his staff to have sex.
Oddly enough, Mrs lefty doesn't see that as an effective reason.

Captivity - Day 51 Serves me right

...for being awake.
For whatever evil reason, I wound up up, or awake, before noon on a weekend day. Because Saturday, my Mom had the unmitigated audacity to call before noon. So this is 2 days people gotten me up early. I have no choice during the week - I have a job. Now I'll have to go online and figure out how to have the phone not bother me til 1pm on weekends, with an outgoing messages that says, "Hey, Stupid - it's before noon - you obviously don't know me, so your number is blocked. Don't ever try calling me again - the phone won't even ring.

So there's this program called Consumer 101. I actually like this program because their first segment was on 'smart' tvs eating your data. If you think about this (not too much, though), you have grown adults watching consumer tv for children. This is the natural extension of cartoons we got up early to watch when we were kids (and tv was new).

As you'd expect, it's unbelievably sunny outside. This is strictly a trap, getting us all excited for the work week. When you go outside, you sniff the air, soak in the sun, and scream loudly, because it's f-ing THIRTY SIX DEGREES in May. Just give it up. Global warming, whether you choose to believe it or not, has driven us over the edge. Just build tubes to get everywhere and keep the temps the same. No matter - it evened out by 9pm.

Continuing our Great Educational Sunday, we're discussing smoothies. Smoothies mean different things on different coasts; from things made in blenders to all out fruits and vegetables in blenders without ice. Their 'expert' shows the very peppy host (who beats his wife) how to make smoothies of the Western US variety. She complains that the regular smoothies can pack a lot of  sugar in them. YES? AND? THE PROBLEM HERE IS? So she goes on to show Peppy Host what you can put in to cut down sugar. This is a false concept also: there is simply no substitute for sugar - don't let anybody tell you different. This borderline lunatic suggests putting beets in your smoothie. This should have been Peppy Host's opportunity to run out of the studio, or shoot the Expert. There are laws about putting this stuff on tv - think of the children.

As if beets aren't enough, she talks about nut butter. Cashew, etc. Never mind the smoothie, what house has cashew butter on hand (unless there's going to be a murder). Fortunately she mentions peanut butter. Unfortunately she mentions kale and spinach. Kale is just a renaming of Shit We Find on the Sea Floor. Plus it's green, which should be enough of a warning to humanity (not including California). Believe it or not, people have eaten spinach. Not in smoothies, but they have. So they add all sorts of additional Green Shit and fire up the blender. This one scene took Peppy Host 4 hours to get down, because the stuff was so nauseating. Ever see a black dude look green? That's about what it was. Think carefully - have you ever had a green drink before?

The next alarm to humanity was a gay Asian guy 'making' things. He went through making a home-decorated cell phone cover, using words like 'sustainable,' and 'stylish,' so that got muted immediately while I typed this. Another dude talked about how to wash jeans because they're so expensive and you want to keep the texture. Are you ready? Put them inside-out and knot them up with a sweater or something. Did you know that if you rigorously rub  hazelnuts together you get hazelnut shells? Did you know that if you rigorously rub 2 hosts together, you get only 1 host? Where are the crazy old politicians who want to ban tv because it makes their children zombies? Want to light up your boring old white electrical cords? Twist tiny wire around them for a few hours. When does this guy have time to film this show?

What have we learned?
It will sometimes save money, allow you use words like sustainable, and eat every last microsecond of your time. Yes, Billy, I know you have to go to school, but I'm building a sustainable freezer pack out of the leftover kale. Your teacher will understand.


What else have we learned?
We need to put together an Emergency Boredom Kit for when you get up before noon. Put it in the freezer, next to the spinach/banana you're looking to re-use, so it will be sustainable.


What else have we learned?
You can't buy food for dinner on Mother's Day.
I got cards.

Captivity - Day 50 Quicky Divorces

The hair in my peanut butter is very flimsy, definitely not of human origin. It's way too thin and curly to be Penny's.  This can mean only one thing: Penny's bringing in a friend at night.

Outside it's another battle, with brown, green, and the clouds rushing in to cover any trace of the sun.  The tv, now used strictly for background news, features a commercial for a sun-powered light that comes on automatically. Little do the producers know that anything running on sun power won't sell in PA because of so little sun. As a result, I'll be getting pizza tonight. It's the best pizza in the country. The only reason I haven't moved to someplace with an actual climate is that the pizza place won't move with me. One day was got a stromboli instead and I just sat there, staring at it. Mrs lefty asked what was wrong and I couldn't bring myself to speak. It. Wasn't. Pizza. To this day, I still shake when remembering that.


Little Richard (87) issued his final Tutti Fruitty and died of bone cancer. RIP.


San Antonio passed a resolution declaring 'Chinese virus' as hate speech.
The United States passed a resolution declaring 'San Antonio' as hate speech.
The First Amendment is on antidepressants.


Royal Caribbean crew went on a hunger strike until the company proves it will send them home. With my vast medical and financial knowledge, I can tell you this will not end well. You're already taking your life in your hands as a paying customer on Royal Caribbean. The only question is what they're going to do with the bodies of the crew.


The human spirit will never be put down: A Colombian company created a bed that can double as a coffin.

Captivity - Day 49 Nostril hair

I got a tip on the weather.
Shhh... don't tell anybody....
Since it's May, it May snow today.

What kinda extra-planeticular lunacy is this?

This is why they(?) call it Mother Nature.
You know damn well this is the kind of hysteria that doesn't often come with the penis crowd. They'd be sitting there, remote in hand, watching something masculine on tv, like maybe sports. They'd set the temperature to a reasonable spot for the year and go back to arguing about goals per average.

Mother Nature, on the other hand, is..... somewhat more complex.
Did the kids cleaned up their toys yesterday?  Minus 10 degrees
Did Father Nature spend most of last night begging for a little tsunami and fall asleep?  Snow in the Sahara.
Did Father Nature take his buddies out to the High Winds Review and come home late, stinking of chocolate milk and looking for a Blow Job? You betcha it's cold in hell right now....


To continue our science coverage, the Flying AIDS has been found in men's semen. If you ever meet the person who thinks this stuff up, don't shake hands.


Idiot Governor says Philly stays closed til June 4.
Critics bemoan the fact that Philly is never open, especially at City Hall

Why does Mrs Wolf always get on top?
Because Governor Wolf can only f- up.


So it never snowed. It's not that we never saw it snow, though. The doctors say not to look outside - it's too depressing.


There's some sort of magic show where they're dropping cars on people.
I think this would be a great addition to the political games. As soon as you screw up, we drop a car on you. Just think of the transparency!!

The next candidate is a very attractive British lady, in danger of getting spiked. We already know this is fake, because there are no very attractive British ladies on tv.



What 3 words mean your phone is about to be in trouble?
"Install our app"

Captivity - Day 48 Measles?

According to one of the many attractive weatherladies, it's cold today. It's cold for the season. It's bloody May and we're not even in August. Somebody better have a bit of a chat with Mother Nature - this is unacceptable. Today's WeatherHottie was very pretty and knew her topic but there's something about a woman with shoulders the size of a football team's Front Four...

Mrs lefty's hobby is finding local channels and watching their news and commercials. This is not a difficult hobby, in that you turn on a local channel and watch their news. The best bit is watching the commercials. You wind up saying to yourself that the production quality would greatly improve if they hired a 5 year old with a crayon to produce the commercials. HAH. This iz Bahb, of Bahb's Tractor Feed and Phonograph Repair. Let Bahb takes care of yer tractor's phonograph feed! If y'all buys this week, we'll throw in a free baby and a bottle of local wine, with real grapes.

Last night I saw some yogurt, thinking I'd have that today for breakfast. Since I can't find chocolate yogurt, I eat other kinds. This morning there was no yogurt. I gave up trying to figure out why a long time ago, but the math says Mrs lefty or Penny the Wonder Spaniel. Penny can't open the fridge (as far as I know) and Mrs lefty opens the fridge too much, so I'm going with Mrs lefty. I think she rearranges the entire fridge after I go to bed. Aside from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I'm not sure why. I am sure it affects my already brittle sense of where things are. So if I'm the only one awake, I can't find any yogurt. It is also possible that she forgot where she put it, so no yogurt there either. This is starting to look hopeless for the yogurt so I go back to sugary chocolate cereal. Ahhhh.... I get it! She wants me to eat junk cereal so I die sooner. This is exactly why I keep the life insurance at levels where it's not worth it to kill me. A place for everything and nothing in its place.

I have a Google Math question: Google tells me I have 8192 page views for the day. I have 8191 page views for the week. Is this algebra? Quantum physics?


KLINGER - put on some pants!
Flying AIDS survivors banned from joining military.
Men in panties still ok.



Report from New Scientist: Mini-brains grown in a dish rapidly develop signs of Alzheimer's disease when infected with the common herpes virus that causes cold sores. Who comes up with this shit?  Hey Max... Yeah? We got this mini-brain grown in a dish.. let's put some herpes in it, ok?  BRILLIANT!



WATCH YOUR MEAT: Like the previous rioting over toilet paper, we're on the cusp of Meat Rioting. The story is that meat processing plants are shutting down because the animals are suspected of having the Flying AIDS. Or the employees. Or the employees who do things they shouldn't with the animals. The price of meat is going through the fake factory ceiling.


The hidden cost of gun violence: a NJ State Police detective shot on duty proposes to girlfriend after being released from hospital.


I've been through Kardashians, I've been through Survivor, and our current foe is Furries. You know - the Furries that get into costumes and sing for alleged judges? I didn't know about it til I saw the commercials - JFC, we have degraded. We need to get back to 'normal' from this Flying AIDS thing, lest people have what's left of their minds food processed into (more) mush.  TV is now owned by 2 entities: Wolf (any police or SUV show) and Mindless Live (Survivor, Contest, Love in an oil tank).

Literally the only thing I watch on broadcast tv is 911 (the original).  Perhaps because I don't care about my other tv setup or I don't care in general, Wife and I swap the remote control. She has all the power because she cares, and because she knows what stations are which numbers. Me - Big Vacuum Tube and Computer d00d, relies on his wife to know what channels to put on. I have made some progress, in that I can now change channels. She got me again, though, because she knows which channels we have. Since we have the Cheap Option, which includes internet and broadcast tv, we only pay $249 per month, so we can't expect too much.  My parents used this service the moment it became available in our old hood. I can't mention their name (because of some rule I just made up), but it rhymes with Bomcast. Now for the Old Man Rant: Why, I remember when it was $15 for basic cable. Now it's $15 to drive by one of their skyscrapers in Philly.

I have loved my job since day 1. My boss is a little weird, in that he trusts me, but we can work through these little bumps. Since we're Sheltering Here In Terror (SHIT), we have meetings from his house. Boss likes to keep his team sharp and every time we meet, there's a loud sound in the background. Once the screaming was a cat. Then what sounded like his shower was the coffee machine. After that, we heard a Caterpillar 4B, digging up the basement. This turned out to be a Caterpillar 4B, digging up his basement (for the panic room/bomb shelter). Next week we expect his entire family singing Christmas carols (but his son sings off-key.



This corporate sucking up to everybody who's a hero during the Flying AIDS pandemic is nauseating. The first commercial is nice. The next 12 are mind-numbingly insane. We get you, Ford... we understand you're offering no payments forever on your new trucks, but does that mean the front line responders assemble them? How about the trashmen? The clerks at fast food stores? They guys at the sex shops?

Captivity - Day 47 The dead are messing with us

The weather is more brown than green today. I'm not sure whether this is a weather cycle or it felt more like a brown day. It's not even a nice shade of brown, which means that instead of the autumn leaves, shit will be falling from the clouds.

Attack of the Synchronized Mowers is still going on, but they stopped selling tickets and are now performing free, due to the Flying AIDS. The audience itself has to wear masks, but not the grass cutters.


The paranoid think everyone's out to get them. We medicate them.
BUT, just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

THEREFORE, if you hallucinate, it doesn't mean the hallucinations aren't there.
The problem comes when you mention the hallucinations. The quantum physics people tell you that simply mentioning them calls the hallucinations into being (assuming they don't exist already). This always makes things fun when you see the doctor, who can't tell if you were hallucinating or are hallucinating now. If the doctor thinks you might have been hallucinating, you get meds and begin doing what the medical folks call the Thorazine Shuffle. This is what happens when you take too many antipsychotic medicines. You start to look like a zombie, which, while handy for video games and certain tv shows, doesn't look good on your work history (unless you work in federal government, at which point you're guaranteed an upper-level position).

When the dog gets into bed, you can plainly see her. When you can also see the dog get into bed on a different side of the bed, you have to wonder which dog was real, if any. Given the history of the dog, the one that isn't foaming at the mouth, trying to kill you, has a better chance of being your actual dog. If both dogs are foaming and your dog doesn't foam, it's best to get the f- out of your bed at once.

You can also look at the stairwell and say to yourself that the laws of physics do not allow the railing to sway in that manner, at which point you're back to the Thorazine Shuffle. The only way to get past this is to tell the doctor the hallucinations are all pleasant, non-threatening ones. "Oh, I see flowers and stuffed animals" instead of "I see Ozzy's 80th birthday" or "Those street signs are gendered."

The next day, a mother or wife asks you to clean that washy-scrubby-dishy-cleany thing you put on your hand to do the dishes. These things have no actual name. She says that the procedure will go better when you remove that bug that's crawling across the cleany thingie.  This does not help you, because most of the cleany bits are moving, causing a metaphysical dilemma and total breakdown of your belief system.

And that, Your Honor, establishes my sanity in this sanity hearing.




You better watch out - SWAT and Sheriffs are breaking down doors to arrest people for working.

A gun was pulled at a bank the other day over an argument about social distancing. WHEN WILL WE go back to the time when guns were strictly to rob the damn bank, not to assault other customers??

California Governor Gavin Newsom (D-Uranus) said that as the state prepares to reopen retail, 'We're not going back to normal.'  This man is obviously a body-snatched fraud - California was NEVER normal.

Captivity - Day 46 HAARP is not for kids, Sally

Windows 10 - Day 46
What a screaming pile of dung.

It ate up 15 valuable Morning Minutes, trying to log into work. There aren't a lot of downsides to working at home, but this is definitely one. Windows spent forever deciding whether and how it wanted to boot up today. A user has no serious input into this decision, up to and including making the laptop airborne, which won't have much of an effect on Windows.  In fact, it probably works better midair than on a desk.

It's cold today, which perfectly matches the air conditioning we needed last night. It's also sunny, but we know that somewhere, there's a large pile of something or other that will go BOOM if we try to enjoy the sun.

Today we added another Wonderful Word to our Pandemic Vocabulary: say it along with me, kids... Clustering. Clustering. Once more.. Clustering.  Clustering is when 10 people or more stand in front of a store window to look at the shoe sales. Clustering is a sin, in everybody's Religious Manual<tm>. Clustering goes against the commandment: Thou Shalt Social Distance. The penalty for clustering, and there's always a penalty, is to carry around a 6' dress of plastic, known as a Hula Hoop or similar, depending on when your religion was invented, to physically keep you 6' away from all of humanity. Do ya really want to wear a 6' dress in public? (We don't care what kind of perversion you get into at home, Chollie, you dirty rat).  So remember: Socially Distance - Don't Cluster!

In addition to the sun playing its seek and go find game, Freedom is starting to shine (cue patriotic music, video of old dudes marching and playing a flute). As horrid as the Flying AIDS was a few days ago, it's not altogether so much of a death-inducing nasal-injected sexually-transmitted death-bringer. There was video of people walking around! Not observing social distancing! There was no video of NY police assaulting couples holding hands. 90 year olds sitting the park. People shopping for tvs instead of toilet paper. Yessir, I think this whole Flying AIDS thing is losing its News Appeal. Mind you, all of the talking heads were still broadcasting from their basements, just in case. You can't make this shit up. I still want to know what's on the shelves behind the on air personalities. You know somebody has to have The Joy of Sex, Sex While Windows is Booting, Booting Sex in the Windows Age, and Why Windows Won't Boot, Even During Sex. We are being deprived of these goodies, cuz we know what's coming from their mouths isn't of any value.

People are starting to pop onto the streets, like spring has sprung.
The funny part of this is that nothing has changed from 2 days ago to yesterday. It's just that the people who are supposed to know better have... no... damn... clue... as to what's going on. They're getting paid A Lot of Money to stand there and tell you Stuff. Each syllable is made up. Every morning it's something else. It affects older people, it affects younger and older people. A sign is your taste being off, but you taste isn't a really good indicator. You will need a respirator. You won't need a respirator. You shouldn't be near anyone. You can be a carrier. The Flying AIDS is killing more people than Godzilla over Tokyo. Oops - it's killing less than any old yearly flu. Hey, let's give our personal aid. Let's bail out corporations! Who did you say is paying for this? You didn't say?

Idiot Governors all over the place are making noise about going back to work. This is actually just a formality, as they get paid by the speech. People have been ignoring their verbal output for a long time.

It's only a matter of time until McDonalds opens its inside sitting area, then it's off to McDonalds. And I don't even like McDonalds.  Then I'll go back to blathering about 'normal' stuff. You'll long for the days of captivity.


Are we on the precipice of what we'll call normalcy?
Let's watch.
Again, help each other.
Who benefits?

Captivity - Day 45 Leave the blasting caps home, jimmy

Dammit, it's weird here.
Moreso.

Since it's a day ending in -Y, the Advanced Coordinated Stereo Lawnmowing Team is out. They have recharged and tuned their instruments, making sure to remove all mufflers. They sounded like one of those SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY commercials, only louder. Their new routine is Synchronized Mowing, whereby they do everything together, from starting, to cutting, to cleaning and hacking up some of the neighbors, and throwing them in the truck. They have a sensor on my phone and in my office, so that when I'm on a call, their mowers go into overdrive. It's fully automatic.

If the mowers somehow run out of gas simultaneously, there's no reason to worry - I live with a percussionist. She had to turn Santana down this year because she wanted to be locally magnificent. She'll somehow break into a percussion solo mid-day or so. This is generally after the mowers stop. The mowers are merely an opening act for the percussion. Percussion also waits until a work call comes in. How do they know? She loves to spontaneously bash some shit, pretending it's my head, then if she can get it loud enough to kill birds.


Hey - yuh know what's going on outside?
Neither do I.

Aside from some memories of a woman arrested on a licking spree. What the hell... didn't we have knife and gun crime? Now we have licking. Next year it'll be a looking spree. Just so you don't feel alone, there have also been blowing nose and a KKK hat sprees. America is a beautiful place, when it's not watching Furries on tv.

Later tonight, Mrs lefty is going to have one of those Telehealth doctor appointments. The substance of the call is a doctor calling you, instead of seeing you in-person. But noooo.... we can't call it that... no sir... we have to give it a special name -Telehealth. The joke, however, is on them, as they get less money for a telehealth visit than a Regular Vitsit, She has the choice of video or audio. This means a video conferencing service or what they refer to as an incredibly complex device with a name that's difficult to pronounce but sounds something like fone. It's like a video conference without the video. The real fun is if you choose phone: while the doctor is talking, you can make faces and blow your nose in his general direction. If you mute the phone, you can even stand there and imitate him. So if you're really bored, and who among us isn't, select the audio only option. NOTE: make sure to use the MUTE function before you start your impressions. Trust me.

Before we sign off, we want to remind you of a word that says it all... a word that will be with us for years.. a word you can use to show your friends how much smarter you are. Yes, it's teledildonics. It is an actual word, for technology to manipulate 'devices' remotely. Use it with pride.

Captivity - Day 44 It's always darkest before the lights go out for the last time

I like the way this software lines up the posts. Yesterday's was Day 43, therefore, today's must be Day 44; except in New Jersey, where it's 37.

I am doing my part to help everyone with the weather. It's gorgeous-looking, with temperatures near 80. I am voluntarily staying inside so it doesn't snow. Remember this when I need a favor, please.

There's a new tv commercial, wherein  you pay for this thingie that looks like a plastic skateboard, and you swing around on it to burn weight. The commercial is hosted by some blonde lady (directly from the Blonde Lady Factory), with measurements that are borderline impossible, but men don't know this and women keep trying for it. Said host is endearing to both genders because of her mammalian protuberances, the bottoms of which actually call out your name and have a brief conversation with your pheremones (even if you're 83). Where were we? Oh yeah, weight burning. Watching the people demonstrate has no connection with reality, including the grandmotherly lady. No one you know is going to stand on this plastic thing, no less use it for anything other than creating a walking hazard on the floor. Our intrepid reporter, Penny, went out to thoroughly inspect this fraud exercise hospital, wherein you are served the most disgusting mush ever, on a tray, and youhe hospital, wherein you are served the most disgusting mush ever, on a tray, and you equipment. Penny determined that it works for burning weight, but not in the way you think. You attempt to use it, fall on your ass, the ambulance takes you to the hospital, wherein you are served the most disgusting mush ever, on a tray, and you refuse to eat it. You lose weight rapidly and have to take your nutrients from a bag next to your bed. So you haven't entirely burned weight, but you've lost it. Maybe you developed an eating disorder in the meantime and will continue to lose weight. Or take your nutrition through a bag.

Speaking of New Jersey, reports are that everyone was well-behaved on the first open day 'downa shoor' (down at the shore)  How did they know the Flying AIDS would be all cleared up by yesterday?


Idiot Mayor of Philly proposed tax increases and layoffs to combat fallout from the Flying AIDS. Idiot Mayor needs to spend some quality time in another country, where the answer to all questions is not Raise Taxes. And they re-elect this disgrace, in spite of Sanctuary City and taxes on drinks.


People often wonder why we have a 2nd Amendment. A city in Oklahoma walked back an emergency declaration requiring customers to wear face masks inside businesses after threats of violence were hurled at store employees. The people got MAD and then got MEAN. In no way should they have they gone after the poor hourly grunts, but this illustrates why there's a 2nd Amendment. When government becomes oppressive, it's time to change government. No matter what's on tv.