Eating Pizza with a Spoon

 

Your love is like  cyanide chocolate bars, also available in a child-friendly juice box

The recovery of thousands of heart attacks and various cardiac and nerve maladies has been greatly helped by the announcement that Elon Musk won't be buying Twitter. I'm kinda disappointed... not that I'd wish an exploded cranium on anybody, but it was kinda funny to watch. Twitter has announced that they will continue their mandate of only allowing the speech they deem correct.  I mentioned this was coming. The second funniest and first most hypocritical part is that Twitter is suing Musk for not buying it.

Today I identify as  an abortion pill

Werk has another interesting course: discrimination training.

I have never discriminated against anybody, and I'm not going to take training on it. Nor am I going to take sexual harassment training: I could teach the damn course. I am frequently reminded it is not a HOW-TO.

Quite frankly, this pisses me off. Quite frankly, it will have to stand at the end of the line of things that piss me off. It's a frightfully long line. I don't need these stupid courses, nor do my workmates. It's insulting. I have never worked at a more integrated company and have seen zero negative interactions over my years. People are actually capable of getting along. Save the classes for those who don't. Unless this is one of those ridiculous mandates or Wokeness. I freely admit I only discriminate against the Stupid, but thus far, there's no woke term like 'stupidist.'

Today is the 4th anniversary of Marshall's passing.

If it can be said that a dog is man's best friend, then Marshall was definitely mine. He wasn't so much a dog as a force of nature. He didn't do a lot of dog things, though. The vet referred to him as a little human in a dog suit. He had friends in other countries. He was a best friend and pet-by-proxy to our neighbor: she would garden and he would move around and lay near her. It wasn't even because she threw hot dogs over the fence. He could remove the top from a styrofoam Dunkin cup faster than you could look down from driving, and he'd be face-down in the cup, sucking up as much coffee as he could. If you put the lid back on, he'd just take it off again. He sent social media posts to Marshall amps and Sass Jordan, among others. He was a star at the vet's, where everybody would stop what they were doing to come say hi to him. He knew who the good people were and would jump in their lap (all 44lbs of him). He was our 3rd rescue cocker. You can read more about him via the Marshall button up top.

He succumbed to cancer, much later than the vet gave him. He was never in pain.  The vet made a donation to the UofP Vet Hospital in his name. One of the things he taught me was to consciously appreciate what you have. His remains sit up high on a shelf, so he can overlook things. I miss him all the time. 

I shoulda known.

I have this little usb dongle for my mouse. When the laptop is sitting on my (wait for it...) lap... the dongle irritates me. Now I simply take it out.  Unfortunately I don't remember to remove it when it's in the office - I remember it when it's in the living room. Sooooooo.... it winds up alone on the coffee table. This is the worst thing I can do, unless I have a gross of dongles somewhere. A gross of dongles... heh. Try saying that in polite conversation sometime. Try polite conversation sometime. 

The coffee table, like many places in the house, has extremely negative magical powers. It's like taking the dongle, wrapping it inside a disappearing sock, putting it in the car's gas tank, and giving it to a manic shopper. I thought simply unplugging it and putting it on the table, in a very wide, empty space, would ensure its safety. I am a hopeful idiot.

So here I am, on a delightful Monday morning (seriously?), back in the office. Naturally I don't remember I removed the dongle until I'm well into work. You know what comes next, right? I keep grabbing for the mouse, that doesn't work because there's no dongle plugged in. Then I remind myself I have to locate the dongle and grab for the mouse all over again. It's like a Disney movie, except funny. Venturing out to the coffee table, I look in all that uncluttered space (2") and of course, the dongle is not there.

This requires explanation of Coffee Table Dynamics. In theory, a coffee table should not be a territorial acquisition game, like football or divorce. In practice, it is, but there's no scoring and the NFL gets nothing from it. It's not done in graduations - it's all or nothing, and it's never nothing. Stuff expands to take all horizontal space. I have (attempted to) carve out a space the size of my laptop, so I can always put the laptop down if I'm temporarily done with it. Over the years I have asserted my right to a small, laptop-shaped space on the table. Unfortunately, one does not simply acquire space, one must also defend it. Just because the space is there, does not mean it shall remain, sacrosanct. The open space is simply too much of a magnet for Shit, which simply gravitates to it. This is my explanation for it: I'd rather not think that anyone else in the house piles Shit there when I'm not looking. It's frequently remotes, which is odd because someone's always asking 'where's the remote?'  In fact, sometimes I put the laptop on the table and find a remote on top of it. I'm thinking about a way to electrify the keyboard so anyone touching it gets a nice little ZAP. But it's pie in the sky thinking.... nothing will keep Shit from forming in empty space. Sometimes it's mugs or glasses, which presents a different problem: you cannot simply push a mug in this house. Physics dictates when you push the mug, it will move. Not in this house. The Scientific Method has proven that when you push any mug or glass, it immediately tips over, generously spreading the goodness of whatever was in it, all over the table and things it shouldn't be spreading into. In thinking about it, we should put a paper towel dispenser on or under the table, for our many accidents.

I guess we could discuss the issue, but first we must figure out who's at the heart of it. Penny can probably be ruled out; she's only interested in the table when there's food on it. She will stand on two legs and walk around til she finds it. I jealously guard my small laptop fortress, so I'm hoping it isn't me. That leaves one person - Wife. She would be a great person to speak to about this, but I must balance the need for empty space with the need to have my ass not chewed out. Besides, when I tell her I need the space, she agrees, then the remotes pile up there anyway and she doesn't remember the conversation. This is when dissociation comes in handy.

I finally got tired of grabbing a mouse that didn't work and got ready for an intensive search of the table. I got my miner's hat with the flashlight, a small LED flashlight that can show you what's going on on the moon, and a big old magnifying glass. After a few cups of coffee, I was more or less sort of awake and had my nose really close to the table. This was extremely brave of me, because one never knows what may jump up and bite. Thank God remotes don't bite. After a few hours I found it! The joy was palpable. It was two feet away from where I put it, which makes perfect sense. Perhaps it had migrated for the season, to a part of the table that has a nicer climate. It was more difficult to find because it was between two pens. Of course it was between pens... we seem to collect pens. We have 457 of them on the table, none of which work. This is where it gets weird(er).. in my office I have one pen. It works. I have a small box of new pens that I assume work. And that's all. They take up precious little room and do nothing to hide dongles. Let me brag by saying there is much (3") clear space in my office and when I remove a dongle (ouch), I find it immediately.

In a few hours, Wife will wake up and ask me what's happening. I dare not explain. It's nice outside and broken bones will not help me mow.  HEY... it sounds like a decent tradeoff....

It's worse than before. Because of the Flying AIDS, businesses have closed. The only relatively new ones are E-cigs and tattoo parlors. Why nothing else? And why is there no pasta in the supermarket? You couldn't buy any spaghetti for any amount of money the other day. They had everything else, at twice the price it used to be. It was sickening. $25 for dog food, and it wasn't the 40lb bag.

People of good conscience are asking themselves why the invasion of Ukraine is still going on. One company has taken the bull by the pancreas and done something: Lego pulled out of Russia. I think this is the turning point.

After its assault on the sovereignty of women's bodies, the Supreme Court is going after gay marriage. At this point, you start to see why the libertarian party is gaining members. You Own You is my contribution to this fracas. People are allowing a body of appointed people to infringe upon you owning your own body. Then they're going after the insane concept that people need the state to marry. I propose a registry where you can record your union, regardless of sex, because it's no one's business, especially the state's.

Why do you need to register your car? You're paying the government to use your own property. It's time we start to question the status quo.

• BMW has stripped a gear and is selling heated seat subscriptions for $18/month (South Korea only)
• odd.. my seat warmer requires that you push the seat warmer button
• BMW also started selling turn signal subscriptions but gave it up when nobody wanted them.

The president of Sri Lanka, Gotabay Rajapaksa, fled the country on a military jet. Asked for commend, Biden said, "Am I still getting my ice cream cone?"

The large amount of outside noise led me to believe it was the Street Refresh, wherein every year the city tears up our street and repaves, accomplishing nothing except work for the contractor. No, it is a junk hauler. They're removing stuff from the (ex) Crazy Lady's house. Putting aside the lack of love we had for each other, this is what her life amounted to.  I watched for a minute, as my 13th cup of coffee was being made, and realized I'm experiencing Existential Agita. Have you ever experienced it?

Diversity in Cybersecurity: Fostering Gender-Inclusive Teams That Perform Better

Stop it.

1. There are many (stock) problems for which diversity will not help
2. If you demand certificates, odds are there's less diversity there. Qualified candidates may not make it past HR
3. There is a terrible shortage of security people. Maybe you need to spend more time hiring than on diversity studies and quotas and Chief Diversity Officers
4. Once again: Hire the right person for the job, regardless of any other criteria

[This is is one of those videos you see after someone dies and everyone is gathered for the reading of the will]

If you're seeing this, I'm dead.

Hi, Mom, siblings, nephews and nieces. Wife too (unless she killed me).

The funny thing is that when I made this tape, I had no idea how my exit was going to occur. Would I be shot at age 92 by a jealous husband? Would my no smoking and no drinking lifestyle lead to cancer? Had I finally managed to hitch a ride on a nuclear device? Did I simply trip, causing my own downfall? Did my emotional support elephant, Iqbal, fall on me? My parents told me I was an accident. I wonder if my death was too.

The smart money should be on me saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time. Live with no filters, die by no filters. Wife is also a good bet: with the amount of true crime books she's read and shows she's seen, the mafia comes to her for tips. So the answer depends on whether or not my body showed up. I'd prefer a closed-casket funeral anyway, as most who know me would. With my luck, I'd get wheeled around on the retarded casket wheels, just like the shopping carts I always got.  Screech, screech, bump bump, stop.

My wife specified cremation when she goes. She used to specify it a lot for me when I was alive. She made sure our ashes would be in different places, so she wouldn't have to put up with me for the rest of eternity. Cremation was only a warm up, pardon the pun, for where we were going anyway.

I lived a good life. No I didn't. I lived a tortured, depressed artist's life. The saddest part was that I never went anywhere with my (alleged) art. I didn't even cut off any of my body parts. I spent every day over 25 sick about my hair loss. They say it comes from the mother's side, but she had a full head of hair. Medical science could make penises useful for four hours, but not hair grow where it stopped growing.

I don't want to mislead you into thinking there was nothing good in my life. I had some damn fine pizza. Some guitars. And... uh.... you know....  other stuff. I was married once, but multiply. How do you phrase it when someone with multiple personalities has multiple orgasms?  (YAY?)

Is my hand attached to my junk for some reason?

Now, to what you greedy bastards are all here for:

I leave my collection of nose hair to the IRS, who never knew I had it. The joke's on them - it's not all my hair.

[laughing] You thought I had money? Here, have a hoagie and a soda.

It is truly sad I won't get to see everybody fighting over the guitars.

I leave my house to my nephews, with the proviso they let Wife live in it til she needs diapers. Wait til those little bastards find out how much it costs to run a house -even when it's free.

my Telecaster goes to Keith Richards. He's a lot older than me, but refuses to die. 

To my wife, I leave the greatest present of all; my death. 

Will someone please let the dog in? Thanks.

Alyson Stupidland

It's been days since we've heard from the TSA, therefore it's time.  The TSA has finally come out on top.  Yes, the TSA always gets their man... errr... woman.... errrr... toddler.  Ever watchful, the TSA detected the 18 month old's name on the no-fly list and promptly removed the baby and her family from the plane.

Yup, you really gotta watch out for those foreign toddlers, especially the quiet ones.

-----------------------

You know, with all the idiots, perverts and child molesters running for president, it's good to know that Mexico still has a few tricks up its sleeve to show the gringos.  Let's make elections fun, if not downright interesting and thought-provoking.

It is sad, however, that politics still raises its ugly head, as topless does not actually mean topless.

Mitt Romney has been shown to have led the bullying of another student in college.  While bullying is bad, he will no doubt hold this up as an indicator of his ability to lead.

Speaking of leading, a jailed inmate in West Virginia won forty percent of the vote in the primary, over President Obama.

Yes, the ObamaChrist proclaimed his support for gay marriage, but no, the White House will not fight the Defense of Marriage Act.   Would you call me cynical for saying this was a press op?

------------------------

Stimpy, the wealth of your ignorance amazes me.

--> They don't call me Stupid for nothing!

-------------------------

Fort Lee, New Jersey (of course, New Jersey) is starting to crack down on dangerous walking.  In civilized states (and Pennsylvania) we call that handing out tickets for texting and walking.

Fortunately I have a teflon alibi: I don't go to New Jersey and I can't walk and breathe at the same time.

The `Gay Agenda' Strikes Again?

In yet another item that no one of us could have foreseen, there is apparently a petition going around, calling for Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie to marry.

Yes, marry.

To the best of my knowledge, neither Bert nor Ernie has come out of the closet, unless you consider the fact that they cohabitate their closet.  A friend told me that her precocious son has had many questions about the pair from when he was very young.

The petition was started by one Lair Scott, an Illinois resident.  Scott believes this could help bullied and LGBT kids with their plight.   There are over seven hundred people who have signed the petition.  No word on how many oppose.

I suspect this will prompt a Defense of Puppetry Act from the more religiously-addled members of the right wing.  Or, as a coworker referred to it, the Henson Amendment.


They're just f-ing puppets, people.

Heroes of the Stupid

I hope Howard Stern will excuse me for borrowing his line, but if we think about this logically, Howard Stern doesn't really give a burro's rump what I do or say.  Let's talk about the Stupid, using some very recent real-life scenarios.

Before I go there, I want to remind you that it is not (yet) politically incorrect to hate the Stupid, thus branding me a stupidist.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

So Rick Perry, the Texas governor, has received divine advice urging him to run for president.  In other words, this politician has had a break with sanity, wherein he heard voices telling him to run for the highest office in the land.  I'm willing to bet that with his health insurance, he can be treated in any clinic in the country, including the private, exclusive ones.

Every time my wife had to go into the hospital, they asked her if she heard voices.   I understand the medicines have come a long way toward quieting them down.

I have no idea how many of Perry's ilk will cop to hearing voices, but I'd suggest starting as far right as possible and working your way left for maximum efficiency.  Hint: Cain and Bachmann have also admitted divine calling.

Strange Bedfellows?

A coalition including New Yorkers for Constitutional Freedoms and a rabbi filed a lawsuit Monday in an attempt to overturn New York's gay-marriage law.

How much hate do you need in your heart to be part of this?

Before you answer, I'm not one of those people who refer to disagreement or dislike as hate.  This is simply a case of sheer black-heartedness in the Grinchian sense.  Unlike the Grinch, though, these people will not relent.  They will not discover the remains of a blood pumping organ buried way down inside their sternums.  They will persevere, Cheney-like, in their singular mission of forming a theocracy.

I am against gay marriage.   I am also against heterosexual marriage.  But I figure why shouldn't the homos should suffer just like the rest of us?

I am particularly horrified that there is a rabbi involved in this.  I have met a few rabbis.  I am related to Jews.  Never have I come across this level of malignancy.

Owing Great Debt

The news is full of President Giveaway and Boehner stomping about and chest-thumping over a budget.  This is pure theater.

The fact of the matter is that they're going to raise the debt limit and raise taxes, in direct opposition to their words.  This does not fall exactly along the lines of Stupid so much as greed and rampant ass-covering.

A recent news story alerted a few of us to $34 billion misspent on military contractors.  With that story out, plus the trillions acknowledged missing on 9-10-2001, explain again to me why we need to raise the debt limit and taxes.

I maintain that once the government discovers it can reach into your pocket, it never stops.  Reality has shown this to be correct.  The time limit on the debt limit is no surprise.  Again, it's theater.

How do you suppose the debt got that high?  Congress voted to spend it.
Let Congress fix it. 

Until government cuts itself by about eighty percent, we should not have to pay one penny additional.  In fact, we should be paying over eighty percent less or thereabouts.  Yes, those wacky libertarians do have some good ideas sometimes, don't they?

Right now we are a country ridiculously in debt to a private consortium with a public name (the Federal Reserve is neither federal nor a reserve - discuss).  Nothing the joke called Congress does will do anything to fix the situation.  The criminals need to be put where the rest of the criminals are put.

I am responsible for my debts.  I didn't agree to put my country in debt.

The Greatest Football Season Ever in Jeopardy

The NFL has ended the lockout, which means that there could be a football season this year.  I am horribly disappointed.  This season had such potential.....

Feel More of the Love

Afghan militants have hung an eight year old boy because his father refused to give them a police car.

Personally I would have held out for a fire engine.



Do you still wonder why I'm a stupidist?  Wouldn't you like to be a stupidist too?
 

Michele Bachman: This Stuff Writes Itself

The republican strategy of unleashing cougars on the Great Unwashed is either moving along really well or completely falling apart, depending on your point of view.

The whackjobitude (yes, I made that up) factor is positively through the roof.  One never has to see the video of Sarah Palin as a beauty contestant to understand that she's vacuous.  She provides all the ammunition whenever she speaks.

Michele Bachmann has been pretty under-the-radar.  Until recently.  I mentioned before that I feel really guilty for being attracted to both of them, but hell, I'm a guy and my central processing unit is centrally located.  No surprise there.

Let us begin with the First Sign of Whackiness, the porn pledge Bachmann signed.  She is the first candidate to sign this pledge, which states that she will fight pornography.  Oh yeah, and that homosexuality is curable.

It does not take a constitutional scholar to note that pornography is protected by one of my favorite amendments, the First one.  Unfortunately Bachmann is not a constitutional scholar by any stretch of the imagination.  In fact it can be argued that her brain has been negatively affected by religion to the degree that she will stand there and rail against common sense until she has to be carried off; another raving lunatic, cared for by Congressional Health Care, which is not the same health care we proles have (if we have it at all).  Speaking of the First Amendment, no more staunch a defender than Larry Flynt has a few good legal and moral points for Ms. Bachmann.

But wait - there's more!   She also pledges to fight gay marriage, abortion, and quickie divorces.  Believe me - quickie divorces are worth whatever you pay for them.

Bachman's religious-addling should completely preclude her from any serious consideration for public office.  At very least by anyone serious about the office.  Unfortunately she's playing to the Religious Right, a way too broad constituency.

Just to show you that she's consistent, Bachmann is married to Mr. Bachmann, a guy who provides `therapy' to turn gay people straight.  I would think ten minutes alone with either Bachmann would turn anyone straight, or at least turn them away in disbelief.  Mr. Bachmann has steadfastly denied practicing this therapy but was recently caught (with his pants down?) and outed.  It also turns out his clinic has received over $100,000 in Medicaid funds.  I wonder how Michele feels about that wicked little mixture.

These are the kind of folks who are but a short period away from getting caught with people of the same sex, practicing everything but what they preach.

Just when you thought the fun was winding down for the season, good old Michele comes up with this little sparkler:

“The Lord says be submissive. Wives, you are to be submissive to your husbands.” – October 2006.

I'm telling you, comedy cannot be written any better than the material they lay out for us.  

So we'd ostensibly have a president who is submissive to her husband (Clinton references aside), running the country.  Wouldn't that be sweet? 

Will Mr. Bachmann take up the rod against his wife during a press conference?  Will Michele perish in an unfortunate baptismal accident?  Will Michele's mother die after Michele misunderstands what being born again means?  Will Mr. Bachmann be caught showing his love for his fellow man in the midst of curing homosexuals?

Stay tuned....

Will God Destroy America? Stay Tuned....

How exactly does the NSA spy on American citizens, which is expressly forbidden?
Welcome to Menwith Hill, UK, where the NSA runs the show (yes, in a foreign country) and it is not illegal to spy on American citizens.  Talk about your little loopholes....

----------

Swiss political party tries to ban Power Point.
Those Swiss are certainly a rocking bunch.  First the Pirate Party and now they want to ban Power Point.   It's not that anyone could possibly disagree with them (well, maybe the idiots in Manglement).  Their platform is that Power Point wastes billions of dollars of time and it should be eliminated.

Perhaps it's about time our illustrious `leaders' studied the political systems of countries like this. 

----------

Just in case you missed it last week, Pat Robertson has stated that God will destroy America because of gay marriage.

I shall not address the fact that Robertson apparently hears voices and has delusions of grandeur.  I will only speculate that God probably has better things to do than persecute love (although the fact that Robertson remains alive is a possible argument to the contrary).

Robertson is a smart cookie, though.  He has remained unconvicted after all these years.

----------

Did you know that Microsoft makes more money from Android than its own mobile operating system?  Why do you think it bought up all those linux patents?  So it can threaten manufacturers.  Many, including HTC, have decided to pay a tax to Microsoft rather than go to court.

----------

You can atone for using Windows by checking out one of the twenty linux alternatives for common Windows applications.

----------

So, who's next on the Hacked Brigade?  Morgan Stanley, which warned 34,000 clients of a data breach.  Addresses, account ID, tax information and social security numbers were at risk.

There's a Theme Here, but I Don't Know What it is...

Iran to Blast Monkey Into Space

No comment from Ahmedinijad yet...

__________

Michelle Bachmann mixes up John Wayne and serial killer John Wayne Gacy

The republicans have a really interesting strategy going this time: two hot women with severe mental deficiencies. But in the `even a broken clock is right twice a day' department, Bachmann stated that we cannot afford another Obama term.  Ok, I'll agree there.

__________

The Supreme Court shot down California's violent video game ban as unconstitutional.  Scalia stated, "Even where the protection of children is the object, the constitutional limits on governmental action apply."

Way to go, Supremes!  Of course one wonders about all the other decisions made for the children, not to mention the constitutionality of the FCC itself.....

__________

TSA orders woman, 95, to remove adult diaper during 45-minute search...

Apparently the TSA has borrowed the republicans' image consultants.

__________

Woman Arrested After Allegedly Spraying Deputies With Breast Milk...

Do you think she has a laser sight on those things?  Do they require a permit?  Talk about .38 specials!

__________

The World Court has ordered that Gadhafi be arrested.   They neglected to mention if this is before or after we get done bombing him...

__________

In honor of New York's decision to allow gay marriage (why shouldn't they be as miserable as the rest of us?), a study appearing in the journal Psychological Science shows that the most accurate gay-dar belongs to ovulating women.

Yes, you read that right.  Now as far as regular old biology and reproduction go, I have no trouble understanding why this might be important.  I just don't understand how it is possible.  Especially as the study had the ovulating women looking at pictures and coming to a decision.  Apparently the closer they get to peak ovulation, the more accurate they are.

Of course the more conspiratorial among us might make something of the fact that this study came from Toronto.  Toronto, as we know, is right next to Quebec.  In Quebec, French is the official language.

Draw your own tenuous conclusions.