Dog Toy Zombies

 Your love is like  serial earaches

• You're not gonna beat this headline this month: Man tosses his penis out of car window during car chase with police
• naked and covered in blood - voices on radio told him to do it
• notice the voices never tell you to clean your room or pull over for the police? 

second best: The unit of measure for fatbergs is not hippopotami, even if the operator of an Australian sewer says so

Today in Olympic News:  after the Taliban took over, all Afghanistan women's teams became Nigerian women's teams.

Today I identify as  Jeff Bezos

Japan finds black particles in Moderna vaccine

• Amazon’s new ‘adaptive volume’ will make Alexa speak louder when it’s noisy
• now asks you to repeat anything it couldn't hear, especially about activities and purchases

Tesla must tell NHTSA how Autopilot sees emergency vehicles

"as big friggin' targets" 

Amazon offers punctual staff £50 (123 grams) for turning up

• $34 for performing their job
• $25 for not sexually assaulting coworkers
• $55 for not sexually assaulting themselves

McDonald’s hiring 14-year-olds in Oregon amid labor shortage

stuff is getting weird 

But everything will even out shortly, when unemployment runs out. People will actually have to get jobs.

Tokyo 2020: Anger after Paralympian is stripped of gold medal for being 3 minutes late

• another stripped of silver because belt not fastened to correct hole
• another gold stripped because shoes on backwards
• $100 fine for attempting to take a knee

Russia wants us to know the International Space Station is in 'pretty shitty shape' and could suffer "irreparable" failures due to outdated equipment and hardware. 

Russia wants to emphasize this has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with the 'superficial' cracks discovered in their portion of the station. Regardless, Russian astronauts have been advised not to open the windows or run the vacuum cleaner. Astronauts have done spacewalks to apply that leak-proof tape that can build a boat, but the leaks continue. 

Last month, the Russian section fired its jet thrusters without warning, destabilizing the ISS. Russia said it was a very nice space station and it would be a shame if something were to happen to it. He said the US could avoid anything else happening to it by sending 100 million rubles to the Kremlin right now, then every Friday thereafter.

Problems with the ISS arose when no one could find the architects or engineers for the program. The American captain said all the docs were lost, trashed, then burned by mistake, along with the UFO documents. The Russian colonel said the Kremlin told him there was never a Russian component to the ISS. 

Russia is in favor of building a new, modern space station, with cable tv and ice cream. International analysts say when the current space station falls out of orbit and plummets to the ground, it will effectively bomb Peoria, Illinois, which is exactly what Russia wants. 

• got a Faceyspaces account? (everyone but me does) Here's how to lock it down.
• Faceyspaces also withheld its Q1 transparency report - pretty damn transparent 

Google says geofence warrants make up one-quarter of all US demands

Crime committed? Let's get a list of everybody in the area at the time. Nothing overbroad or unconstitutional about that....

• Anger, frustration at FDA over Biden’s booster plan; two top regulators resign

Everybody loves the brilliant quotes from famous people like Franklin, Shaw, and Twain. What will you leave for posterity?

• If you put a keyboard or windshield in front of a person, you get Instant Asshole
• I'll let you know when I'm awake
• No, I don't know where your glasses are
• How much is that in guitars?
• Would it help if I gave you a breast massage?

As a result of Ida, or even Hurricane Ida, it got wet here.

No, really.

We have a pool. It's not much of a pool. It's more familiar to you as a B-A-S-E-M-E-N-T.

It's always been a pool. Sometimes it has more water than others.

Sometimes it's a trickle. When Ida left, we couldn't exactly float, but at least we got our ankles wet.

Way in the distant past, we were on vacation. As we got on the plane to come home, a relative let us know we had an 18" kiddie pool. They waited to tell us so vacation wasn't spoiled. So it was only spoiled on the plane home. With a psychotic flyer who kept trying to roll the plane's windows down and a too-tired spouse, who can't swim.

We've spent a long time on the pool, so it's never filled.

Except during fscking Ida.

Ida was unprecedented... we had a pool even before she was fully in the neighborhood. It was like a time warp. We kept looking for Dr. Who or Stewie Griffin.

The two of us have different strategies for dealing with flooding. She monitors every 20 minutes. 

I play Sergeant Schultz: "I know NOTHing."

Only one strategy is particularly effective. Take a guess....

These strategies continue after storms leave.

Two days out, one of us is still monitoring at frequent intervals. The other still knows NOTHing.

Eventually the one who knows NOTHing will jump into the pool with his vintage Sears wet-vac and empty the pool. Ever jump into a cold, dirty pool? Even really kinky people don't do this.. there's no 'philia' in the books for it. Then there continues to be no pool, until the next major storm.

We tried putting our stuff on wooden pallets. That works until the pool has over 4" of water in it. Then we had to raise the artificial floor. While it worked, the basement is effectively four feet tall.

So until "checking every 20 minutes" gets loud near "I know NOTHing," there will be no vacuuming.

But we did manage to go to the mall. 

She was really surprised that I made the request.

I needed 2 things from 1 store, so it only took a few hours.

Apparently those shirts that don't come to the waist are back, and with them, fat women, with their stomachs hanging out from under them. I'm not policing anybody's weight - I just don't want to see your gut in its full glory, especially if you're an employee, especially if it's a food place. Whoever told you that was 'hot' either has a sick fetish, or loses a bet if he says the word 'fat'.

There was a sign on the mall door that said to follow CDC guidelines. 

From which day?

Before we got to spend a few hours at the mall, we had to get out of the house.

This is a very complex, involved process, that can take up to a week.

As I have a hair trigger, this is absolutely the last thing I should be involved in.

But wishing to stay married, I must give it my best. The doctors say this will help me to practice patience. I counter that in order to practice it, I'd have to have some in the first place. At this point the doctors pretend to have something better to do and leave the office.

Let's take the groceries out of the car so we can go to the mall.

Ok. 

[groceries in]

I'll wait on the couch. 

I'll be right there.

[and I'll win the lottery]

looks at groceries

out back for a ciggie

looks at groceries

We were going to the mall, right?

I'll be right there.

I'm still waiting on the couch.

I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right there.

messes with groceries

out back for a ciggie

[not getting off couch because this opera ain't done by far]

decision on pocketbook

stand in front of tv

Are you going to turn the tv off?

No, I leave it on for the dog

Isn't that animal cruelty?

looking for keys

Is it safe to get up now?

Yes, I said we're leaving.

[thinks about it... looks around... gets up]

Wait - have you seen my phone?

Dammit..you got me again.

This is why I order stuff online. 

I may just pull one of my arms off.

[parking at the mall - trying to get out of the car]

I don't have a mask in this pocketbook. 

You're kidding me, right?

You were pressuring me to get out of the house and I forgot it.

This is why mall stores close.

• not sure anybody will be able to tell me why there's a bottle of brake fluid on the stove
• it's best to let little things like this go.. the headaches are immense

They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Except where I am concerned.

My mother is a clean woman. Even with her mind slipping, she's clean.

We discussed this the other day. I asked why her other children got the Clean Gene and not me.

Decorating too. She can move into an apartment and it will look perfect the next day.

Did I have an accident and lose these abilities? Does this explain the mower?

I'd like to have the Clean Gene. And the decorating ability. Anyone entering my house would appreciate that. Before, but especially after something really large and weighty falls on them. 

It's strangely self-fulfilling... I can't clean that well, so nobody wants to come over. Since they don't come over, I don't have to clean.

I guess I should have known something was up when I was little. The house was spotless, except for any room I was in charge of. For some reason, my bedroom looked worse after I cleaned it. Mom was afraid to let family near some of the rooms. This didn't help because I didn't like most of my family, so keeping them away was a boon. Have you ever been in an avalanche of dust? Been hit by flying amplifiers? Become intimately aware of 120 volts? Let's see... I'm viciously sarcastic, unpleasant even when sleeping, not particular good looking... I guess the only reason they kept me was fear of child abuse authorities. I don't want to clean things with a toothbrush or I can't sleep. I'll settle for cleaning every now and then. Some people tell me I just don't see dirt. Hell of a theory.

I have some gorgeous furniture... if you can find it.

Naturally, the furniture was handed down. I sure as hell don't have any taste.

The dining room set is older than me by quite a few years. We did more damage to it moving in than the entire time it had been used before us.

We have another 'interesting' piece, I call the Leviathan.  It's an unbelievably huge piece of furniture that takes up quite a lot of one wall, and threatens to take the rest of the wall when we're not looking. I'm horrible with furniture names - I can't tell a valance from an [eh-tah-JAY]. It's got shelves, cabinets, and an expanding(!) spot for a tv. You just get 16 of your best friends, 8 at each end, and PULL until the spot is wide enough for the tv. This is the part where it threatens to take over the entire wall. It was always just the right width for the tv, but suddenly we notice there's a lot more space for the tv. Maybe it's campaigning for a larger tv set. I just want to avoid angering it - it weighs more than the car.

We even have really nice stuff to display on furniture, should we ever find it.

Since we've only been married for many many years, we haven't exactly gotten in sync with our design ethos. I discovered Less is More. She swears that More is More. So if there's a shelf with 3 Monty Python toys, it's my shelf. If there's a shelf with 3 Eeyore toys, it turns into a shelf with 47 Eeyore toys, and it's hers. This is my ode to decorating. You won't see it because it's hidden behind Eeyores. Sometimes odd bits of furniture appear, usually in front of other furniture, and way too large for me to move. We know the tv was there yesterday, in the Leviathan, but we can't see it today because a full length bureau materialized in front of it (next to the Peterbilt truck, by the water fountain).

The last time Mom came by to help, her only suggestion for decorating was explosives.

If it's anyone's job to be unhelpful, it's mine.

My observation is that there's a bit of clutter. The solution is to eliminate all horizontal surfaces. Since everything's sitting on horizontal surfaces, this would help immeasurably. Since all furniture is horizontal, it would go. We could keep the couch. With all furniture gone, things will be less cluttered, unless one of us discovers the floor.

And that's the extent of our designing capabilities.

• the CDC has found the Flying AIDS vaccine effective in the dead - they never get the virus.

Montgomery County, PA, has decided masks are needed outside. And inside. 

All residents will be checked before bed, to see if they're wearing masks.

If there are any mountains in the county, climbers require masks, even when distancing by 5,000 feet.

If climbers require oxygen, the mask must be worn inside the oxygen mask.

Anybody experiencing a heart attack will be required to wear a mask, even while receiving CPR.

CPR will be performed from the safe distance of six feet

If you require electroshock therapy, the electrical probes require masks.

Any babies born will require masks before coming out of the canal.

The church that came up out of the ashes of the adult video store has gone bust.

Bust. heh heh.

All things considered, I preferred the adult video store.

How does a church go under? That Reverend Koresh seemed like a really nice guy.

High Level Nap Planning

 Your love is like  ice cream and green beans

if you have an iDevice, update to 14.5.1 now.

BlueTooth toothbrushes

My buddy just got one. So I asked him the question that was burning my brain - why bluetooth?

He told me it keeps track of his brushing and gives him stats, as well as letting him know if he's ignoring one tooth.

Fascinating.

Plus his entire brushing history goes to Oral-B. Next year, his dental insurance won't cover tooth #16 because he hasn't spent enough time brushing it.   

Today I identify as the pollen that's turning my car green. 

• a gamer was found dead, clutching his Xbox controller, after an all night session
• 100,000 parents just came alive: "I told you if you do that too long, you'll be in trouble!" 

The neighbor situation where I am is pretty good.

Until yesterday, when I found a notice on my car. Somebody had reported it abandoned. I'm thinking the crime stats are really down locally, for the police to have bothered. It's nice to know the locals are protecting us from parked cars, though.

Well, given that it's 'abandoned' a few houses past mine, maybe it's not really abandoned. Maybe it's my 2nd car and I don't drive it much. Maybe there's a neighbor who needs his car computer reprogrammed to play "It's a small world after all" whenever it's started. Maybe the police should ask first.

Being the good citizen, I emailed the nice policeman, asking if it was ok to park my car on my own street. This should be interesting.

I have only had trouble with one neighbor, who took snow from her driveway and put it around and on my car, which was parked on the street. She blamed me for parking my car in the street. I'm not the kind of asshole who calls the police over nonsense like this. Sometimes, the snow plows dump a few loads into her driveway, though. Damn funny to see. Couldn't be me - I don't have a snow plow.

Prince Harry, Duke of Prunes, made an appearance at a Vax Live concert, to thunderous applause. I hope the prince doesn't find out what it's really like to be an American...they'll throw limes and teabags at him.

HEY HARRY!

What?

GOT ANY NAKED PICTURES OF MEGHAN?

No.

WANT SOME?

• Portugal is opening the world's longest pedestrian suspension bridge
• bridge workers are on strike already because they don't want to clean up after the bridge scares the shit out of crossers

Flying AIDS News 

Herd Immunity is not reachable, so it's not important. The virus will just become manageable.

President Biden cautioned America's Doctor, Anthony Fauci, that we're not vaccinating herds until J&J comes out with a cattle version. He said we're vaccinating Americans here, so we could call them lumps, glumps, Merkuns, or The Great Unwashed, but not herds.

Fauci said herd immunity is now out the door because no one can figure out what the mystical herd number is, so they'll just twist around some words and put them out into the public for people to repeat for a few months, until the next excuses come out.

• New York's mayor Bill DeBlasio is calling city workers back to work.
• The workers are not happy.
• When have you ever seen a happy New York City worker?

Hollywood stars are testing for political runs.

Caitlyn Jenner is running for governor of California. After their current governor, earthworms would be better, but Caitlyn is the perfect choice for California. Think about it.... Jenner cannot expect a cakewalk, as the Gay Makeover guys are running as one candidate, as is RuPaul.

Animal, from Sesame Street, is running for Los Angeles mayor, under the "I couldn't be any worse" platform. Animals struggles with ADHD and ice cream are well known. Other candidates rumored to announce are Jared from Subway and Ghislane Maxwell. Their campaign managers say that it's wise to vote for someone who is already in prison, which saves the long trials.

Dwayne Johnson, is still working on his presidential bid, because being an actor is qualification enough.

Others include Ashley Judd, Kid Rock, and Matthew McConaughey. At least with Kid Rock, all of his affairs and dependency issues are already in the public domain. The only things the detectives will find is that he goes to church every Sunday, supports orphans, and volunteers at the soup kitchen.

• Camden County College (New Jersey) held a drive-thru graduation ceremony
• this was a brilliant idea, and will give them valuable experience for the job market
• "I'll take two Big Macs...."

MOSCOW (BLOOMBERG) - Officials hailed Moscow's massive facial recognition camera network as a benign aid to residents that would enforce quarantine restrictions, catch criminals and even let them pay subway fares.

Now it's being deployed to crush dissent against President Vladimir Putin.

nuff said?

 

North Wildwood, New Jersey, has spent $4 million in state taxpayer dollars to bring in sand because of beach erosion. Now they want federal aid, like their neighbors on both sides.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, your federal tax dollars are going to beach projects for rich people and businesses at the beach, in a different state. Do we get a discount for going to that beach? Hi, I'm lefty and this is Mrs. lefty - we paid to help fight erosion at this beach. We would like the Celebrity package, please. And don't give us any crap about dogs not being allowed on the boardwalk.

• Google will ban deceptive marketing from Play Store apps
• will also remove viruses by 2031

NYPD adopted, for the bargain price of $94,000, a canine robot. It was a really odd looking thing, which generated a ton of bad press and ill will. The robot was only used for seeing - it had no offensive or defensive abilities, per contract. The press was so bad, the $94k robot is being 'put down.' New York, home of all sorts of monstrosities, is considering other robots.....

• a DMV robot: there is no word on if it curses at you
• a City Hall robot: it actually works. Unions vowed a fight to the death against it
• another NYPD robot: it only bites black people

Kroger grocery stores will begin testing drone deliveries. Will deliver to home or your phone location. For an extra charge, it will deliver condoms to hotels for 'business meetings'

Google is giving users incorrect information to the question "how long do porn stars live?" by citing faulty statistics from a Reverend who believes that working in the adult industry will bring down God's wrath on you.

That's about accurate for Google  

duckduckgo.com - the search engine that doesn't track you

Twitter ROCKS

--> Hi im a lesbian and i fscking love dick.  centering lesbianism around pussy is so fucking othering to trans and nonbinary lesbians jesus fscking christ

--> I love dick, I just don't like dick when it's attached to a cis man. But girldick or nonbinary dick is totally fine and I don't think that makes me less of a lesbian

The Post Office is admittedly not meeting its 1-3 day delivery for first class (.55 stamp) mail.

Solution?  Change the standard, so it can take longer. Your government at work. A very interesting and sadly revealing article.

Here are some Flying AIDS links. I do not vouch for their accuracy. They are being provided as information to help you decide what's going on.

EXCLUSIVE - Former Pfizer VP: ‘Your government is lying to you in a way that could lead to your death.’

MODERNA: “WE’RE REWRITING YOUR GENETIC CODE”

Freedom Becomes a Long-Haul COVID Victim

I bitched/observed about our lack of decorating/arranging/organizing abilities.

I wanted everybody to know that I took my first step today: I found a magazine with Frank Zappa on the cover and I'm mounting it on the wall in my office. 

Do I get a gold star?  

We visited a friend the other day. We have to make an effort not to notice the large, well-decorated and kept house, and the huge garden outside. It's something out of Better Homes & Gardens. We couldn't put together a single room that looked that nice. Oh well, different people get different talents. When I find mine, I promise to reveal it here.

• Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced
• He caught her using linux 
• when asked for comment, Melinda said, "I cannot keep up with his level of evil."

A Tesla was hacked, using a drone.

Told you so 

Great if you don't have a Tesla, but it won't be limited to Tesla. I maintain that we don't need this level of communicative electronics in our cars. The bonus with this hack is they can turn the car into an access point, to hack other cars. 

• Bored? Librivox has free public domain audiobooks
• What are hipster germphobes up to? Take a look

I think it's National Pet Month.

Nobody has any idea how these things come about, or where they come from. I suspect people just make it up as they go along....   

• Hey, it's National Scrotum Week, to promote scrotum health
• I'm still campaigning for Left Handed History Month. Strangely enough, I only get 10% support
• Arm Pimple Week
• Spray Mop Thing week
• National Vacuum week (bought and paid for by the vacuum lobby) - it sucks
• and of course, Nose Hair Month

Service Elephants Don't Like Cold Weather

 Your love is like  painful periods

The Medicare open season commercials are getting out of hand. It was bad enough when there were only the ancient football legends - now it's legit actors. Kelsey Grammer (Frasier) and Danny Glover (I'm gettin too old for this, Riggs) are now appearing, along with Dann Florek (Special Crimes - SUV).

If they really want to make it interesting, they can have a football game with Joe Namath, Joe Thiesman, and Mike Ditka, then line them up against Kelsey, Dann, and Danny. To keep things ultra-relevant, after the first play, all players will be rushed to the hospital and treated, using the insurance they advertise for. You know, with a bunch of men this age, there will be no shortage of injuries, perhaps just getting to the field. You have to figure bone breakage, but we'll figure out a way to make it more interesting, with traumatic brain injury, testicular cancer, and some sexually transmitted diseases. It's not like there will be a 2nd play...

While in the hospital, they can choose a lawyer from the All Day Law Network (any channel). As a special treat, Tom Selleck (Magnum PR) will come in, with his ill-fitting dentures, and talk to them about reverse mortgages. It's about time their heads exploded, instead of ours...

• The most Shazam-ed songs, top 10
• I don't know a single one of them, but I have heard of 2 of the artists
• 'Music' is merely product; the worst so in history 

If your place of business is anything like mine (empty), you're likely to run into people doing nasty things, generally in pairs, but not limited to pairs. If you're working from home and run into people doing the mattress dance, it's better that you tell no one.

What do you say to 2 of your coworkers, upon finding them sharing their mutual excitement for partial nudity?  

• Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was the doorway.
• I see you're not using protection. Any reason?
• Could you just hand me a stapler, please? Don't hurt yourself.
• Since I'm here already, mind if I watch?
• There appears to be an opening for at least 1 more.....
• Ooh, I had the room reserved for this time - should I come back in 15?
• Yer gonna need more lube for that...

Today I identify as  a new medicine in a tv ad that can possibly kill you or make one of your eyes stare at your left nostril

The war drums are beating over Iran. Or Iraq.. I always forget which. It doesn't really matter - we just rotate them in and out anyway.

• It's not bad enough that Bill Gates was involved in the vaccine: Dolly Parton contributed $1 million. It will forever be known as the vaccine with the biggest tits in the world.

I can't come out today: my virtual firewall got virtually hacked and my smart home has locked me in. Then the police called and asked if I was alive, because someone hacked my Ring.

• Trump fires cybersecurity chief who corrected him over Twitter
• Also fired EPA chief who reminded him sky was blue and grass green over Faceyspaces.

If you're still running Win95 or Win98, and who among us isn't, you might consider this combo mouse/phone. Huh? You sound muffled. Stop mousing while you're talking to me, young man.

• Today I'm being spared (I think): outside of my office, I'm hearing a child singing "Rawhide." Still better than Wendy.

We go to houses, any houses, and are fascinated by them. Not only are they clean, they're decorated. The two of us have the decorating sense of a category 4 hurricane.  No one we know has a 1974 Camaro in their living room, nor a tube tester. Our nod to decorating is a Stevie Ray Vaughan poster on a wall. At least it's held in with 10 penny nails (because we couldn't find the push pins that day).

Apparently we adopted the right dog too: she tends to leave her toys precisely in the way of traffic. She doesn't grasp the basic concept that if we fall and die, she doesn't get fed. She is currently trying to sow marital disharmony by building a wall of toys between us on the couch. Or maybe marital harmony - who knows, in these complex times, when your service elephant can't fly on airlines.

So yeah, decorating.

Most people seem to be born with this gene, and when I say most people, I mean the kinds of people with internal plumbing and external mammalian protuberances. My mom could decorate a bear's 6 month hibernation den and appear on Good Housekeeping. We've been in our house forever and just missed appearing on Hoarders (they rejected us because you can see the carpet). We only tried to get on the show to get some free therapy - you can never have too much. We say "let's decorate" then look at each other with the same blank expression. So far we put up a bizarre picture by a dead person. Mrs lefty has a thing, and this may be her only nod toward decorating, for mobiles. Mrs lefty, however, does not understand 'less is more' and hung 6 of them, so every time there's a breeze, we have to get out the hearing protection. I have no delusions... my idea of decorating is taking the clean clothes to the bedroom after the dog rolls around in them. One day we realized we like the Southwest, so we should do something with salmon and turquoise. That concept is... still... umm... pending. Yeah, pending, that's the word. We're partially in luck because the house was smartly constructed not to get any light, at any time of day or in any season. Plus we get no guests because anyone who's been here before is scared and won't return. 

Iqbal, my service elephant, is about as graceful and coordinated as the rest of us, so he tends to step on stuff and knock things off walls. There are so many projects I can take on when I retire in 70 years, but home design terrifies me the most. I'm fine playing with 600 volts, but don't ask me about paint. Or worse, painting. I'd rather chew my painting arm off.

Does one purchase decorating skills? Are we missing them because we're so talented in other areas (even though we don't know what they are)? Ok, I do have one single bit of knowledge: you locate the couch across from the tv and never block the way to the kitchen. If you have a large red Craftsman air compressor in your front room (my friend does), put it in the middle because it's funny to watch people trip over it. Make sure the tube tester color matches. If you're displaying a Leslie (500lb box with a rotating speaker), get the wood one, for heaven's sake - no one wants gray covering in their living room. If you're hanging guitars, there is a matter of minor importance: attach the hanger to a stud.. gravity is not good to guitars. 

• Now's a very silly time to live in California.
• It's always silly in California, you say?
• Now residents have to wear masks outside their residences.
• I'd get out now, before you have to wear masks in your house.

Dear lefty 

• Is it ok to fart in bed?
• Not if there's no one else to appreciate it

I need to get out more. Or maybe I don't.

My phone rings 2 times a week (43 if you count spam). I get very little email, except from Guitar Center and the clinic. Not only do I hear about their sales, I know when their employees go to the bathroom. If I filtered out their emails, it would be days before I received another email. I have 2 friends. I barely need email, except to receive spam. Not only do I barely get out, I barely exist, digitally. Actually I don't exist at all. This blog is all written and timed to go out every now and then.

It's working for me!

 

Whenever your significant other talks to you, there's a decision chain. Is this important? Is this important now? Is it from Faceyspaces or does it involve her friends or family?

Once you have worked through the necessary questions and come up with your answer, you can get to the important task of listening. Or, more importantly, looking like you're listening. One cannot play down the importance of appearing to listen - it's essential to your relationship.

"OMG, look at what I found on Faceyspaces today."

Your key word is Faceyspaces. You can safely switch off. I saved 17 minutes of my life yesterday by switching off.

"My SISTER...."

You don't even need the whole sentence here. The word sister or the inflection should tell you all you don't need to know.

"I was watching Wendy this morning..."

Watching is your Warning Word: you know you're about to hear your key word. In this case, it doesn't even matter that you're switching off - they're going to keep on talking. You can count to 150, out loud, and they won't stop. When you say you're not interested in anything Wendy has to say....

"Just sayin..."

But I'm still not interested.

"Just sayin.."

But you won't stop sayin.

"My parents...."

This is a tricky one. Most of the time it's irrelevant, except around your birthday, but never if you hear the word coming. Your best idea is to only switch half off. Maybe every 3rd word. It's up to you what you do when you hear the word going. Since you're likely a guy, just switch off, then if/when it's time to go, claim ignorance, get the requisite "I told you about this" and get written off as a space cadet. Or "you never listen to me," which is, in fact, at least 66% true, but you must never admit this, upon pain of genitals. 

Once you are successful, you can apply it all over the place.. boss, siblings, judge...

STOP THE PRESSES 

Formula 1 driver Lewis Hamilton spoke to CBS This Morning about the lack of diversity in Formula 1.

He is apoplectic that there are no black cars.

Does A Brexiteer Wear Mouse Ears?

Florida News

A daycare worker was caught on camera throwing toddlers.
This is now a problem?

Florida man detains burglar by holding his iPhone like a gun until police arrived.
Thieves, like politicians, always send their best and brightest...



India plans to launch a lunar mission in July.
Yes, they're going to be the first fourth nation on the moon!
They're looking for water and other goodies, like all lunar visitors. And, according to Apu Nehasapetapetaloma, to open the moon's first Kwickie Mart.


CERN, the Large Hadron Collision people, just had their academic credentials from Microsoft revoked, causing a tenfold increase in license fees. As a result, CERN has a new effort called MAlt - Microsoft Alternatives. They're looking for open source software.

Let's see.... open source...  hmmmmm.... get rid of Windows and other MS software... hmmm.... I wonder what could possibly work for them....

In completely unrelated news, I upgraded to the latest version of Xubuntu linux (19.04) the other day and things are running better and faster.



Dear lefty:

• If Boris Johnson wins the election, will his 'hairstyle' become popular in the UK?
• No, but his teeth will.
• in North Korea, Kim ding Dong's hairstyle is all the rage (among people who wish to remain alive).

Ever since Obama, there have been charges of America sending billions of dollars to Iraq. Trump mentioned it too. I have a memory of the money being a return of money frozen by a previous administration. Anyone have a reading on this?

Speaking of Iraq, the warhawks are beating the drums again. We just sent a Rather Large Ship to that neighborhood. Whatever happened, we need to remain out of it. History shows the Powers That Be cause a False Flag event as a pretext to war (Weapons of Mass Destruction, 9-11).

• Toronto won its first basketball championship. No one knows how. It's the Jamaican Bobsled Team all over again. It wasn't easy -  they had to build stadiums and import black people.

According to the BBC, the countries using the Euro have agreed to have a common budget. What? Now explain how the conspiracy theorists are nuts because they refer to the coming New (one) World Order.

Shopping Time

My luck has been good lately, which was probably just setting me up for yesterday. Mrs. lefty had lots of shopping to do....

WALMART
Her: Could you tell me where the milk is? I can't find any.
Them: I'm sorry, we don't have any.
Her: Milk?
Them: Milk.

How could the largest vendor in the country not have milk?
It's like Monty Python's Cheese Shop sketch....

Well, we don't carry milk here.
You don't carry milk? It's the single most popular shopping item in the world.
Not much call for it around here, Sir.

Her: How about yogurt?
Them: We have this yummy probiotic stuff.
Her: It tastes like particularly bad dog excrement. What else?
Them: Oh, nothing.
Her: You have a huge food department.
Them: Yes we do. Largest in the area.
Her: and all I'm asking for is normal yogurt.
Them: I'm sorry, we don't carry normal foods.

Her: Dare I ask about potato bread? It takes much longer to turn blue and fuzzy than white bread.
Them: Since you asked, we will no longer carry it.

Her: Snapple's on sale.
Them: Yes, but we don't have the flavor you want.


LOWES
Her: I just spent a long time trying to find a 3/8" ratchet.
Them: that's because we don't carry them separately. You have to purchase the complete kit.
Her: But I already have doubles of all the sockets.
Them: Now you'll have triples!
Her: You bought the name Craftsman from Sears, which stocked everything. Why don't you?
Them: Because we don't have to. Now STFU and go buy the complete kit.


This is why Mrs. lefty doesn't allow me to shop.

Decorating?

Didja ever walk into a house and marvel at the decor or style?

My parents' place is antiseptic, yet warm. Mom got it from her mom, who scrubbed the bathroom tile with a toothbrush.

The rest of the family has it all together, with different styles and lots of space.

Then there's our house.

There is no style. There is no decor. There's barely any space. At least the walls are painted. Our method is buy something and stick it Over There. Or put the groceries on the floor.  Nice poster, let's thumbtack it to the wall. Has anyone seen the dog?

We are two decor-impaired people. And one who is directionally-impaired.

But let me say something positive: The show Hoarders rejected our application because we have clear paths and the piles of stuff don't come past our knees.

We sit there and look around, trying to imagine how one would 'design' a room. The closest I've gotten is a fake lisp and imitation of one of those home design 'experts' from tv. Don't let the LGBTQrstuv lobby tell you they have no representation on tv: straights have no representation on home improvement shows. If any straight guys happen to wander onto screen, they look gay.

Let's say we like southwest decor. The closest we'd get is painting one wall salmon and another wall turquoise. Maybe putting out a token figurine skeleton that says, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". Viola - Instant Decor.  

We are horrible examples. It's sad. Maybe we can start a GoFundMe to get us some decorating lessons. Let's face it - even with lessons, we'd find a way to make it ugly. I was thinking about having a person with decorating skills move in, but Mrs lefty says no. I'm sure it had nothing to do with her being stunningly attractive. The bonus would be someone to babysit me when Mrs lefty visits family out of town. But noooooo......

So until we somehow acquire skills, the house will remain Decor by Tornado.

The president recently celebrated a birthday.
In case you're curious what he got from other countries....


Kim ding Dong, Supreme Haircut, North Korea, sent a hand-delivered note.

Teresa May (RIP) sent the Trump Balloon
Boris Johnson said he couldn't make it.
The Queen said, "We ARE amused."

Mohammed Somethingorother, Lord High Poobah, Iran, issued a press release stating the door was closed for birthday wishes and he had a much better hat than MAGA.

Vladimir Putin, King for Life, Russia, said that Trump's birthday was adequate, but Soviets have much better birthdays and he could kick Trump's ass in any sport.

China, asked for comment, said, "Who Tlump?"
"China has the advantage on America because Chinese food is really McDonalds and Burger King. Suggest Tlump stuff egg rolls..."

Australia sent a card that said "Good on ya, Don," but the postal kangaroo died and the card never made it.

Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Acceptance, Canada, sent an autographed picture of himself in his newest minidress. Melania was horrified. Donald hung the picture in the Oval Office, proclaiming Justin the best Canadian ever, after the other 40 million. The other 40 million spat in a hat then refused to send it because Americans have guns.


It's a sad day when North Korea sends the best gift.