Your love is like serial earaches
- You're not gonna beat this headline this month: Man tosses his penis out of car window during car chase with police
- naked and covered in blood - voices on radio told him to do it
- notice the voices never tell you to clean your room or pull over for the police?
second best: The unit of measure for fatbergs is not hippopotami, even if the operator of an Australian sewer says so
Today in Olympic News: after the Taliban took over, all Afghanistan women's teams became Nigerian women's teams.
Today I identify as Jeff Bezos
Japan finds black particles in Moderna vaccine
- Amazon’s new ‘adaptive volume’ will make Alexa speak louder when it’s noisy
- now asks you to repeat anything it couldn't hear, especially about activities and purchases
"as big friggin' targets"
- $34 for performing their job
- $25 for not sexually assaulting coworkers
- $55 for not sexually assaulting themselves
stuff is getting weird
But everything will even out shortly, when unemployment runs out. People will actually have to get jobs.
- another stripped of silver because belt not fastened to correct hole
- another gold stripped because shoes on backwards
- $100 fine for attempting to take a knee
Russia wants us to know the International Space Station is in 'pretty shitty shape' and could suffer "irreparable" failures due to outdated equipment and hardware.
Russia wants to emphasize this has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with the 'superficial' cracks discovered in their portion of the station. Regardless, Russian astronauts have been advised not to open the windows or run the vacuum cleaner. Astronauts have done spacewalks to apply that leak-proof tape that can build a boat, but the leaks continue.
Last month, the Russian section fired its jet thrusters without warning, destabilizing the ISS. Russia said it was a very nice space station and it would be a shame if something were to happen to it. He said the US could avoid anything else happening to it by sending 100 million rubles to the Kremlin right now, then every Friday thereafter.
Problems with the ISS arose when no one could find the architects or engineers for the program. The American captain said all the docs were lost, trashed, then burned by mistake, along with the UFO documents. The Russian colonel said the Kremlin told him there was never a Russian component to the ISS.
Russia is in favor of building a new, modern space station, with cable tv and ice cream. International analysts say when the current space station falls out of orbit and plummets to the ground, it will effectively bomb Peoria, Illinois, which is exactly what Russia wants.
- got a Faceyspaces account? (everyone but me does) Here's how to lock it down.
- Faceyspaces also withheld its Q1 transparency report - pretty damn transparent
Crime committed? Let's get a list of everybody in the area at the time. Nothing overbroad or unconstitutional about that....
- Anger, frustration at FDA over Biden’s booster plan; two top regulators resign
Everybody loves the brilliant quotes from famous people like Franklin, Shaw, and Twain. What will you leave for posterity?
- If you put a keyboard or windshield in front of a person, you get Instant Asshole
- I'll let you know when I'm awake
- No, I don't know where your glasses are
- How much is that in guitars?
- Would it help if I gave you a breast massage?
As a result of Ida, or even Hurricane Ida, it got wet here.
No, really.
We have a pool. It's not much of a pool. It's more familiar to you as a B-A-S-E-M-E-N-T.
It's always been a pool. Sometimes it has more water than others.
Sometimes it's a trickle. When Ida left, we couldn't exactly float, but at least we got our ankles wet.
Way in the distant past, we were on vacation. As we got on the plane to come home, a relative let us know we had an 18" kiddie pool. They waited to tell us so vacation wasn't spoiled. So it was only spoiled on the plane home. With a psychotic flyer who kept trying to roll the plane's windows down and a too-tired spouse, who can't swim.
We've spent a long time on the pool, so it's never filled.
Except during fscking Ida.
Ida was unprecedented... we had a pool even before she was fully in the neighborhood. It was like a time warp. We kept looking for Dr. Who or Stewie Griffin.
The two of us have different strategies for dealing with flooding. She monitors every 20 minutes.
I play Sergeant Schultz: "I know NOTHing."
Only one strategy is particularly effective. Take a guess....
These strategies continue after storms leave.
Two days out, one of us is still monitoring at frequent intervals. The other still knows NOTHing.
Eventually the one who knows NOTHing will jump into the pool with his vintage Sears wet-vac and empty the pool. Ever jump into a cold, dirty pool? Even really kinky people don't do this.. there's no 'philia' in the books for it. Then there continues to be no pool, until the next major storm.
We tried putting our stuff on wooden pallets. That works until the pool has over 4" of water in it. Then we had to raise the artificial floor. While it worked, the basement is effectively four feet tall.
So until "checking every 20 minutes" gets loud near "I know NOTHing," there will be no vacuuming.
But we did manage to go to the mall.
She was really surprised that I made the request.
I needed 2 things from 1 store, so it only took a few hours.
Apparently those shirts that don't come to the waist are back, and with them, fat women, with their stomachs hanging out from under them. I'm not policing anybody's weight - I just don't want to see your gut in its full glory, especially if you're an employee, especially if it's a food place. Whoever told you that was 'hot' either has a sick fetish, or loses a bet if he says the word 'fat'.
There was a sign on the mall door that said to follow CDC guidelines.
From which day?
Before we got to spend a few hours at the mall, we had to get out of the house.
This is a very complex, involved process, that can take up to a week.
As I have a hair trigger, this is absolutely the last thing I should be involved in.
But wishing to stay married, I must give it my best. The doctors say this will help me to practice patience. I counter that in order to practice it, I'd have to have some in the first place. At this point the doctors pretend to have something better to do and leave the office.
Let's take the groceries out of the car so we can go to the mall.
Ok.
[groceries in]
I'll wait on the couch.
I'll be right there.
[and I'll win the lottery]
looks at groceriesout back for a ciggielooks at groceries
We were going to the mall, right?
I'll be right there.
I'm still waiting on the couch.
I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right there.
messes with groceriesout back for a ciggie
[not getting off couch because this opera ain't done by far]
decision on pocketbookstand in front of tv
Are you going to turn the tv off?
No, I leave it on for the dog
Isn't that animal cruelty?
looking for keys
Is it safe to get up now?
Yes, I said we're leaving.
[thinks about it... looks around... gets up]
Wait - have you seen my phone?
Dammit..you got me again.
This is why I order stuff online.
I may just pull one of my arms off.
[parking at the mall - trying to get out of the car]
I don't have a mask in this pocketbook.
You're kidding me, right?
You were pressuring me to get out of the house and I forgot it.
This is why mall stores close.
- not sure anybody will be able to tell me why there's a bottle of brake fluid on the stove
- it's best to let little things like this go.. the headaches are immense
They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Except where I am concerned.
My mother is a clean woman. Even with her mind slipping, she's clean.
We discussed this the other day. I asked why her other children got the Clean Gene and not me.
Decorating too. She can move into an apartment and it will look perfect the next day.
Did I have an accident and lose these abilities? Does this explain the mower?
I'd like to have the Clean Gene. And the decorating ability. Anyone entering my house would appreciate that. Before, but especially after something really large and weighty falls on them.
It's strangely self-fulfilling... I can't clean that well, so nobody wants to come over. Since they don't come over, I don't have to clean.
I guess I should have known something was up when I was little. The house was spotless, except for any room I was in charge of. For some reason, my bedroom looked worse after I cleaned it. Mom was afraid to let family near some of the rooms. This didn't help because I didn't like most of my family, so keeping them away was a boon. Have you ever been in an avalanche of dust? Been hit by flying amplifiers? Become intimately aware of 120 volts? Let's see... I'm viciously sarcastic, unpleasant even when sleeping, not particular good looking... I guess the only reason they kept me was fear of child abuse authorities. I don't want to clean things with a toothbrush or I can't sleep. I'll settle for cleaning every now and then. Some people tell me I just don't see dirt. Hell of a theory.
I have some gorgeous furniture... if you can find it.
Naturally, the furniture was handed down. I sure as hell don't have any taste.
The dining room set is older than me by quite a few years. We did more damage to it moving in than the entire time it had been used before us.
We have another 'interesting' piece, I call the Leviathan. It's an unbelievably huge piece of furniture that takes up quite a lot of one wall, and threatens to take the rest of the wall when we're not looking. I'm horrible with furniture names - I can't tell a valance from an [eh-tah-JAY]. It's got shelves, cabinets, and an expanding(!) spot for a tv. You just get 16 of your best friends, 8 at each end, and PULL until the spot is wide enough for the tv. This is the part where it threatens to take over the entire wall. It was always just the right width for the tv, but suddenly we notice there's a lot more space for the tv. Maybe it's campaigning for a larger tv set. I just want to avoid angering it - it weighs more than the car.
We even have really nice stuff to display on furniture, should we ever find it.
Since we've only been married for many many years, we haven't exactly gotten in sync with our design ethos. I discovered Less is More. She swears that More is More. So if there's a shelf with 3 Monty Python toys, it's my shelf. If there's a shelf with 3 Eeyore toys, it turns into a shelf with 47 Eeyore toys, and it's hers. This is my ode to decorating. You won't see it because it's hidden behind Eeyores. Sometimes odd bits of furniture appear, usually in front of other furniture, and way too large for me to move. We know the tv was there yesterday, in the Leviathan, but we can't see it today because a full length bureau materialized in front of it (next to the Peterbilt truck, by the water fountain).
The last time Mom came by to help, her only suggestion for decorating was explosives.
If it's anyone's job to be unhelpful, it's mine.
My observation is that there's a bit of clutter. The solution is to eliminate all horizontal surfaces. Since everything's sitting on horizontal surfaces, this would help immeasurably. Since all furniture is horizontal, it would go. We could keep the couch. With all furniture gone, things will be less cluttered, unless one of us discovers the floor.
And that's the extent of our designing capabilities.
- the CDC has found the Flying AIDS vaccine effective in the dead - they never get the virus.
Montgomery County, PA, has decided masks are needed outside. And inside.
All residents will be checked before bed, to see if they're wearing masks.
If there are any mountains in the county, climbers require masks, even when distancing by 5,000 feet.
If climbers require oxygen, the mask must be worn inside the oxygen mask.
Anybody experiencing a heart attack will be required to wear a mask, even while receiving CPR.
CPR will be performed from the safe distance of six feet
If you require electroshock therapy, the electrical probes require masks.
Any babies born will require masks before coming out of the canal.
The church that came up out of the ashes of the adult video store has gone bust.
Bust. heh heh.
All things considered, I preferred the adult video store.
How does a church go under? That Reverend Koresh seemed like a really nice guy.
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