Napping Upside Down

 Your love is like  finding gray hairs

• News sites are liable for defamatory Facebook comments, rules Australia’s High Court
• oh c'mon - news is news, even if Faceyspaces doesn't like it. Australia is becoming a draconian, dystopian nightmare
• Faceyspaces apologized after AI labeled black men 'primates'
• will there be a major protest, shaming, and closing of accounts?
• stop it.

Today in Olympic news:  27 athletes denied competition because they didn't have man buns

Yes, it's back to the dentist time. My main work was done by the guy I semi-affectionately call Dr. Mengele. We didn't see eye-to-eye so I decided to go elsewhere. And when I say I decided to go elsewhere, I mean sit home and not go to the dentist. You see, I'm beyond terrified of the dentist. I used to be perfectly fine, then something happened. Aliens? I have no idea. I just know fight-or-flight kicked in and the bottom half of my body spent most of its time trying to escape from the chair. This did not work well with the very top of my body being worked on with all sorts of tools and nauseating sounds. Wanna know how terrified I was? I didn't even look down the dental tech's shirt when I had the opportunity (yes, she was a she).

Putting on my big boy pants, I found another practice, Fly by Night Dentists, Inc. The moment I walked in the door, I smelled cheap, disorganized office. When they were being dishonest, I told them to give themselves a screw-in partial permanent crown hat, do not pass go, and pay $1200 deductible to start. 

At that point, I took another 'break' from weird dentistry and doctors who I couldn't understand when they spoke. And when I say break, I mean sat home in only mild panic.

Deciding to try again, I looked for a local dentist who took my (very common) insurance. Several told me I had to pay up front and I could keep the insurance payment. WTF is this? So I have an appointment. My break from insurance was interrupted by a toothache in a nasty-looking spot. By the time I'm done, I will have paid for the Dentist's new vacation house in Aruba. And why not - I already paid for the vet's car, her daughter's car and education, and two vacation homes. I'm a walking charitable foundation and get not a cent off in taxes.

I have that toothache numbing liquid. I couldn't get it to stop the pain as directed, and it turns out drinking it also fails to help. I was wondering about that fire whiskey stuff. Or allergy/sleeping pills. Either would put me out of commission at work, but I'd just look like all my coworkers. 

Today I identify as  a lamp with a halogen bulb and no federally mandated fire protection

• President Taxit has struck another blow for huge government by declaring all federal workers must get the vaccine(s). Can't he just go to the Home and live out his life?
• Oahu and Maui will start ‘vaccine pass’ programs.
• CDC tightened masking guidelines after threats from teachers union, emails show (who's running this whorehouse anyway?)

On boosters.... 

"has already drawn criticism from US experts who say the medical need for third doses is not yet clear, and the decision to offer them overstepped review by the Food and Drug Administration and expert advisers for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention."

Still. No. Idea.

At the dentist's office, it was very nice. 

The ladies at the front desk were wonderful.

And loud. And incredibly helpful. In high school, they probably did things that involved pom poms.

Things have been modernized to the extent that all paperwork to fill in is done on a tablet.

Unfortunately an iTablet, so naturally we didn't get along.

Fortunately an ex-pom pom user happily helped me. She assured me it wasn't my fault, even though the tablet or I was producing smoke. 

My tech agreed that the ladies out front were very helpful. And loud. And motivated. And were probably well acquainted with pom poms.

NOTE: we all need pom pom people. I am not saying they're bad. Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, ok? 

At almost no time did the lower half of my body try to escape from the chair.

This probably had something to do with nothing getting done.

Dentistry is weird.

You can walk in with half of your face blown up and they'll ask you what brought you in.

You tell them there's so much pain, you can barely function.

They'll proceed to take xrays, wherein you get that boffo heavy blanket.

Then other xrays with some weird thing they hold.

Then still other xrays where you stand up and things spin around, unrelated to pain or medicine.

At this point I'm thinking either my tech or I should be taking the other out for dinner; I just can't figure out which. She knows my mouth way better than I do and I'm trying to figure out whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

She disappears to check out your xrays and make purple marks on them. This is a time-wasting exercise - they don't use these xrays.

The next set she goes over with you, telling you some Dental Stuff.

While half your face continues to hang off your head, she numbs you and starts doing some Other Stuff.

The she says you need Deep Cleaning. This is called many different things at many different practices, and actually only serves to annoy you and your gums. Most insurances pay for it anyway, so it's just revenue enhancement for the practice. You need a cleaning even if you have dentures. There are enough xrays to prove your dog needs a cleaning too.

You find out all sorts of Interesting Dental Information, such as the high school the tech went to, how she has a second job washing cars topless, and that she can do your job better than you.

At this point, you notice that your jaw hurts so much you're seeing stars, and you're still on cleaning.

Your appointment was for five, and the dentist appears around seven.

He pokes, prods, and pokes again, making Thoughtful Noises.

Then he gives you the news. There will have to be Deep Dental Procedures proceeded.

You have a choice of different procedures per tooth: you can have it drilled, removed, disinfected, put in a post, or just generally drilled for fun and practice. In fact, my body didn't try to escape until he mentioned putting in posts.

So I'm still sitting there, certain parts of me fused to the chair, and he mentions I said I was suffering greatly, with pain up into my scalp.  He sounds somewhat concerned, so he does what any healer would do: sets up a Plan, finds out what insurance will pay, and comes back with the Whole Deal. You find out that, with really good dental insurance, it will only cost you two grand. 

HUH?

Two grand ain't nothin, I was assured.

Two grand is something, I was assured, by Wife.

So I quietly mention I'm still in horriffic pain.

Doc tells me to schedule the appointment so we can begin The Plan.

Dentistry is funny.

If you take a pneumatic nail gun and nail your forehead to a 2x4, it's fairly obvious, plus you're in a bit of pain.

Whereas with half your face hanging off, dentistry wants you to make an appointment, next week or so. Or next month - whatever works for you.

But Doc, I'm sitting here in unbelievable pain.

Take some ibuprofen.

For the next week or month? 

What else would you like me to do?

MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY - THAT'S WHY I'M AT THE DENTIST'S OFFICE.

I told you to schedule an appointment so we can get to you as early as possible.

By the laws of physics, as early as possible is RIGHT NOW.

And, conveniently, here I am, right in the very chair I would sit in to be worked on. Imagine that.

I'd stick with soft foods and we'll see you later, lefty.

As much pain as that entire routine caused, it does not compare to the pain of coming home:

HER: How was it?

ME: It was the most recent visit to the dentist ever.

HER: Did he make the pain go away?

ME: No, but he told me when he will.

HER: let me guess - next week?

ME: Exactly.

HER: and how much is this going to cost you?

ME: Do I hear the phone ringing?

HER: No. How much?

ME: Is dinner ready?

HER: Of course. How much?

ME: dwrgtjjjdtrrs

HER: Stop mumbling

ME: I said two grand.

HER: TWO GRAND? How are we supposed to come up with two grand? Shall I whip it out of an orifice to be named later? Or whip it out of the mortgage payments for the next few months?

ME: errr.... I don't know?

HER: Don't you have really good insurance?

ME: Yes. You should have seen the price without insurance.

HER: Did you at least get to look down the tech's shirt?

ME: I wasn't panicked enough to forget, but she had a heavy sweater on, dammit. On the bright side, every one of them was born here, so I could understand them. Except during the dance segment.

Why tell the doctor where it hurts, when you could use emoji instead?

Because people have become so simple, they can only communicate in tiny pictures?

Uhhh... guys.... we're going to need emojis for 

• the dog ate my insurance card
• afflictions of the pancreas
• colonoscopy
• nose hair calamities
• diarrhea
• STDs
• I shut the car door on my penis

Revealed: LAPD officers told to collect social media data on every civilian they stop

but..but..but... I have to post these pictures of my cat doing something cute, along with my social security number!! 

Things are getting even more hairy aboard the International Space Station, specifically the Russian section. After last week's 'mistaken' firing of Russian boosters, this week the smoke alarms went off.

US: What are those alarms? Smoke alarms?

RU: Must be time for battery change.

US: Battery change is one beep, this is constant.

RU: It is not.

US: Yes it is.

RU: We hear nothing.

US: Why is there smoke coming in from your side of the station?

RU: Is nothink.

US: It's right there.

RU: Oh, dat. Uh, Sergei burnt Pop-Tart.

US: Nuh-uh. Pop-Tarts burn horizontally, with color dependent on the flavor.

RU: Maybe Leonid smoke ceeg.

US: The rules state cigarettes can only be smoked outside the ISS.

RU: But can't light outside.

US: Then don't smoke. Hey - that looks like flames.

RU: Isn't.

US: Is.

RU: Isn't.

US: The temp has gone up 30 degrees  (40 kilometers Russian).

RU: Is ceeg, I tell you.

US: does that look like molten metal?

RU: No. Look like joke - ha ha.

US: it just set off the sprinkler system, so you better be ready to go swimming in 5 minutes.

RU: Nooooo. Not at all. Boris is taking bath again.

US: We don't have enough air til we can send for the Chinese

RU: Goot. Esk for #42 Moo Goo Gai Pan.

US: You better fix whatever it is, before we wind up in a David Bowie song.

RU: So sorry. Did I say bath? No, Leonid make small trajectory adjustment with monkey wrench. Not heppen again, I promise.

• President Taxit: a woman's body is her own
• President Taxit: unless she has the Flying AIDS
• Executive overreach

'Black national anthem' makes its debut at the NFL

Stop dividing. Come together.

[Can also function as the left handed national anthem]

It's nice and sunny outside. Naturally I am inside. I don't actually have a desire to be outside, but I'd like some representative sun to appear inside.

The person who built my (Sears, no, really) house made sure to orient it so no sun got into it, no matter where the sun was, and no matter the season. 

I've got two friggin' windows in my office. I can sorta tell it's sunny out, but that's the end of it. I was thinking about turning the house around, but I've got too many responsibilities already, with working, sitting, blogging, and making sure the dog's comfortable on the bed. Her sleep number is 65.

How in the world do you orient a house so no light gets in?

Oh, wait, there's exactly one window on the east side. Most are north-south.

This will become important as we go to the cold season. We only have two seasons here: hot and cold. Somebody flips the switch and we go to the other season. I'd like to have more light during the cold season. It tends to get depressing and the neighbors really want to chip in and get me more light, any way it has to happen. They prefer the summer lefty to the winter lefty.

Did you know that most of the musicians who have lefty in their name don't play guitar lefty?

I think we'd have to install new windows on the east-west sides, which would mean WALL DEMOLITION!!! The only problem is that the Crazy Lady's house would still block the light. HOUSE DEMOLITION!!!  This is why the city stops by for a soda once a week or so.

This just proves windows is good for nothing.

• Definition of chutzpah: potential juror shows up to courthouse in black t-shirt with RIOT in big letters and black balaclava.
• we need more of this in America

The public hoo-ha over Britney Spears' finances came to a head after her father petitioned to be let go as the conservator.

Buoyed by this news, Britney got engaged! 

We wish Ms. Spears and Tupac the best of luck

Period facilities are needed at live events

also needed:

• removing items from rectum labs
• somewhere to go to the bathroom
• places for wine. chilled to the correct temperature
• wiping sweat from forehead stations
• diarrhea treatment and resources
• lactose intolerant booths