It's Raining, It's Mowing

Your love is like  a mallet to the nuts

Today in Olympic news:  People cheered.

 You know my relationship with mowing... I'd rather chew my limbs off than mow.

So naturally it's Mowing Time<tm>.

Technically it was Mowing Time<tm> last week, but all we've had is rain lately. This had the effect of making our lawn look like Vietnam before Agent Orange (note: this is before my time, but I put it in for hip effect. It means 'jungle'). So in addition to the rain, the mower broke.

Although this is a combination of Christmas and July 4th for me, it's only a matter of time til the Crazy Lady calls the city to complain that our jungle is 1/8" over regulation. So it's Man of the House Troubleshooting Mode<tm>. Wife says the 'key' is lost. God, I hope the mower never gets the key. Some day I'll wake up to find it staring at me from the foot of the bed. The 'key' is a little plastic switch that allows the motor to start. Actually it allows the handlebars to engage, allowing the motor to start. Worx had some really good lawyers or some really big lawsuits to have these safety mechanisms in place.

So I went to the Worx page, which had precious little on service or parts or prayer. I typed 'plastic' into the search and got a whole page of new mowers and two female self-massage devices. I had no idea they were into this sort of thing. Wife called them and after laughing hysterically, they said they have no plastic switchy key thingies. Amazon had lithium ion batteries, which I'm sure were nice, but weren't exactly what we were looking for (unless maybe they worked in the self-massaging devices). So we were still down one mower. 

I was between a rock and an ICBM launch pad. I love not mowing, but if I avoided thinking about it, we'd have to buy a new mower. I rate things in terms of how many guitars they would buy me. A new mower would buy me one really cheap guitar or a down-payment on something nicer. So to stop her from spending, it was necessary to investigate the mower. This is like an atheist investigating Jesus and Satan; painful with little purpose. 

So I took the blasted thing apart. Mistake number one. Then tried out the switch moved by the plastic switchy key thing. Nothing. Smart designers... it was mechanical and relied on the handlebar thingies. So there I was with one of those exploded lawnmowers, as if I took every little piece of it apart to display it on a mat, like they do with drag racers. This is sometimes fun, as it gives wives all over the planet a near cardiac event. Great Gosh Amighty, Hubby is 'fixing' something. Again. 

Now here is where there's some sunshine: I could obviously fix it (obvious to whom, I don't know). Wife had an honest impressed facial expression, not because I could fix it, but because we didn't have to buy a new one. She didn't care about the money - she wanted to save on overnight shipping because the lawn was starting to attract jungle researchers with khaki hats and shorts and British accents. Regardless of the source of her expression, I proceeded to figure the guts of the thing out. [song] The green wire goes to the black wire. The black wire goes to the white wire. The white wire goes to the battery. And the battery explodes. 

I ask if she has her phone there to take a picture of the wires before I disassemble it. No. She tells me to tell her the wire position. I fall for this every time, like Charlie Brown (kick the ball, Charlie Brown). She can't remember what she just said, no less 4 wire positions. So I tell her. Three minutes later she comes out with a paper and pen, asking for the wire positions, that I already have taken apart, because she said she'd remember. It's a wonder we've physically survived this long, BOTH of us. 

So I figured it out. 

Bypassing every safety feature ever thought of or designed into a mower, I made it work. It's so illegal, I have to mow quickly, before the Mower Police come to get me. 

Think about this: a perfectly good $300(whatever) mower can be made completely useless by a fifteen cent piece of plastic, unless you have some idea of how to fix it.

Because we have rain and the occasional sunny day, it's sunny, so the jungle is wet. Wet and tall is a bad combination for a mower designed to take care of a normal yard. The battery discharged in 15 minutes. While that's nice for me, it's not nice for me later, as I'll just have to go out and mow again, hoping I get more than 15 minutes out of the battery. Then I'll get 'talked to' because the front lawn isn't done yet. I must have some weird ability to bilocate, with the mower, to mow the rear and front lawn at the same time. Oops, I forgot.

All mowers hate grass taller than they are. Wet grass moreso. Then I had to figure out whether to mow long strips or short strips, or random strips. Should I go over what I just did to keep the wet grass down?  I hate having to raise the mower and come down on the grass because if I run straight into it, the mower will stall. Hasn't anybody found a neighborhood kid who wants to buy a car by October? I'll pay.

• for breakfast, at 3pm, after mowing, nothing beats a nice cool melon. And to wash it down, some chocolate chocolate chip cookies.
• every now and then I flash back to my grandmother, who would cut up the melons in bite-size cubes for me
• Wife subtly reminds me those days are long gone, with a melon in one hand and a long, sharp knife in the other. Sometimes she doesn't pick up the melon.

Today I identify as  an old cell phone, with important info, that won't charge

Chase Bank Cancels General Mike Flynn's Credit Cards

..citing reputational damage. 

Do they think he's doing adult entertainment on OnlyFans?

• this week's stupid new word: workation
• definition: going somewhere else to work
• fans of the word say "It's even better than staycation!"

But seriously, folks.... going somewhere else to work?

I guess the reviews mention how comfortable the couch is first.

Yeah, I gotta tell ya... the vacation house let in a lot more light than my house.

I felt way more productive.

I wasn't at all jealous that the wife and kids went out and had fun every day

Wife wasn't impressed: I was still too tired to have sex.

Slow internet.

Can't bang my secretary when wife and kids go out

Breathing salt air makes me feel way different than breathing home air

Irony Department 

Radio host 'Mr. Anti-vax' dies of... you guessed it.

Texas anti-mask movement leader dies.... 

Children are going back to school.

But now we have the new Flying AIDS.

The original Flying AIDS kept children out of school.

So why are the children still going back to school?

US Spy Agencies: COVID-19 'Not a Bioweapon,' Can't Rule Out Lab Hypothesis

Still. No. Idea.

Mrs. lefty has the Gremlins or something.

She walks by the table and something leaps off.

She picks up a bag of brownie mix and it explodes.

She walks by anything and trips on it.

I suggested we find some sage, shove it up her ass, and burn it.

• President Taxit is at it again
• Biden's gambling on another death tax to fund his budget goals
• Once again, you voted for him and we all have to pay for it

China is aiming to develop miles-wide, 'ultra-large' spacecraft:

Phoenix Lights, anyone? 

• Parents Must Pay Son $45,000 for Trashing His Eclectic VHS Porn Collection
• just try to get "Hey, My Grandma is a Whore 3" on VHS! 

Since it's been days since the last Tesla nightmare...

So your Tesla is on Autopilot. What happens next?

No, not a random battery explosion...

Days after an inquiry into Teslas hitting emergency vehicles...

It crashes into a highway patrol car.

you can't pay for this kind of publicity.

Tesla: FSCK THE POLICE!

• Rugby: Head impact study says players' cognitive function can decline after one season
• hang on a second... do you mean to tell me a bunch of guys slamming into each other all night can cause cognitive decline? Like American football, but worse? 

Experts: WH Cybersecurity Summit Should Be Followed by Regulation, Enforcement

Our government never met a thing it couldn't screw up by regulating it.

Work is fun, but there is a serious side too.... I have no idea what group's history month this is.

My employer has allowed its employees to flounder around, not knowing. Can you imagine?

I know we've done black, Pacific islanders, women, and LGBTQ. I hope they didn't start left handed history month without consulting me first. I've been waiting for left handed history month since AOL was the Big Man on Campus. Then we can take one, one single day, for left handed guitarist day. This is nothing but a dream. So give generously to the Fund for Left Handed History Month and make me a happy blogger.

I'm going to put my money where my mouth is and list some famous lefties

Musicians

1. Jimi Hendrix - sales rep for Fender and Marshall
2. Paul McCartney - performed with 3 other small time teabags
3. Phil Collins - was at the genesis of progressive rock
4. Cesar Rosas - Los Lobos
5. David Bowie - he played it right hand
6. Lady Gaga - meat industry rep
7. Ringo Starr - plays righty
8. Tony Iommi - tuned down a bit
9. Harpo Marx - used a left handed harp
10. Bun E Carlos - pulled a cheap trick
11. Kurt Cobain - not as good a guitar player as his drummer
12. Justin Beiber - hey, I didn't make the list up
13. Billy Cyrus - yes, I know
14. Mike Gibbins - Badfinger drummer
15. Iggy Pop
16. Dick Dale - played upside down
17. Albert King - played upside down
18. Elvis Costello - plays right handed
19. Duane Allman - played right handed
20. Johnny Rotten - sang left handed
21. Joey Ramone - played right handed
22. Isaac Hayes - found religion on tv
23. Stuart Copeland - policed to play right handed
24. Joe Perry - plays right handed
25. Joe Cocker - air guitared left handed
26. Mark Knopfler - plays right handed
27. Gary Moore - played right handed
28. Ian Paice - deepest of the purple drummers
29. Elliot Easton - got famous with cars
30. Al McKay - EW&F
31. Seal - plays upside down
32. Paul Simon - plays right handed, Garfunkel's mate
33. Bob Dylan - plays right handed
34. Ludwig van Beethoven - too many syllables for fame
35. CF Martin - Martin Guitars' founder
36. Mozart - had the one name thing centuries before Cher and Madonna
37. leftystrat - you'd never know he wasn't normal

Left-handed are more inclined to artistic professions, to give an instance, lefties are about 10% to 15% of the general public, while among entertainers they are roughly 50%  (yet still the guitars are more expensive)

1. Keanu Reeves - Bill. Or Ted, I forget
2. Tom Crusie - yeah, probably
3. Nicole Kidman
4. Oprah - drove off a bridge and all her followers followed her
5. Barack Obama - first to piss off the blacks AND the whites
6. Bill Clinton - penis worked diligently in DC, married to Satan
7. George H.W. Bush - buried bodies around DC, had a special needs son
8. Gerald Ford
9. Harry Truman
10. Herbert Hoover
11. Thomas Jefferson - a slave to his job
12. JFK - made Dallas what it is today
13. J Edgar Hoover - hated gays because he was one
14. Benjamin Franklin - British gigolo, first to say "go fly a kite"
15. Albert Einstein- suck it, righties
16. Desmond Tutu - inspired the garment that bears his name
17. Fidel Castro - blew his nose in the general direction of the US
18. Mahatma Ghandi
19. Ruth Bader Ginsburg - warmed a bench with some dudes
20. AOC - just on the other side of common sense
21. Rand Paul - half a libertarian
22. Bob Dole
23. Prince Charles - inspired ear muffs
24. Prince William - is he the good son or the bad son?
25. Tiberius - Captain Kirk's middle name
26. Henry Ford - inspired the first workers' union
27. Benjamin Netanyahu - famous Jewish person
28. Winston Churchill - cigar tester
29. a lot of the King Georges - men with numbers after their names
30. Robert Redford - minor character actor
31. Cary Grant - good with accents
32. JFK Jr - pilot who failed to miss the water
33. Mark Twain - something something books
34. H.G. Wells
35. Lewis Carroll - wrote Alice in Wonderland after testing some really good LSD
36. Dan Aykroyd - brother who plays harmonica right handed
37. Richard Pryor
38. Paul Prudhomme - often mistaken for Dom De Luise
39. Carol Burnett - seeing red
40. Mark Hamill - seeing stars
41. Judy Garland
42. Neil Armstrong, Michael Collins, Buzz Aldrin - NASA employees
43. Leonardo da Vinci - wrote neato futuristic stuff down a lot
44. Napoleon Bonaparte - kept cocaine inside his shirt
45. Bill Gates - something to do with computers, not well liked
46. Amar Bose - the speakers
47. Lord Zuck - has a lot of info
48. Steve Jobs - because of him, we have lower case "i" in front of everything
49. Charlie Chaplin
50. Joan of Arc - named after the arc in France
51. Aristotle
52. Friedrich Nietzsche
53. Alexander the Great - if he were right handed, he wouldn't be so great
54. Jack the Ripper - probably left handed, due to crime scene evidence
55. Babe Ruth - a candy bar
56. John McEnroe - also plays guitar lefty
57. Jimmy Connors - also plays guitar lefty
58. LeBron James - some sports guy
59. Caitlyn Jenner - stop it
60. John Dillinger - ran afoul of the IRS
61. Billy the Kid
62. Jim Henson, most of the muppets
63. Ned Flanders
64. Helen Keller - blind, deaf, and left handed. The woman didn't stand a chance.
65. Marie Curie - Nobel scientist
66. Matt Groening - Simpsons creator
67. Michelangelo - a lefty who jumped the fence, training himself to write right handed
68. Aristotle - got paid to think
69. Julius Caesar - invented the salad
70. Nikola Tesla - fan of high voltage ac, heard voices on the radio
71. Dave Barry - funny writer, also plays guitar
72. Douglas Adams - hitchhiker, played with Pink Floyd and Procol Harum
73. Rembrandt - wrote "I'll be there for you"
74. Vincent Van Gogh - ear surgeon
75. Don Rickles - started the hockey puck craze

Heartbreakers

1. Julia Roberts
2. Kate Hudson
3. Scarlett Johansson
4. Goldie Hawn
5. Jennifer Lawrence
6. Denise Richards
7. Angie Harmon
8. Fran Drescher - only for her voice
9. Julianna Margulies
10. Kelly Osbourne (just kidding)
11. Jodi Lyn O'Keefe
12. Angeline Jolie
13. Marilyn Monroe

Alfred Hitchcock frequently had left-handed lead actresses in his films, which include Kim Novak, Tippi Hedren, and Eva Marie Saint.

Looks good - or not - your choice