Butt Plugs of the Rich and Famous

 Your love is like  intestines hanging out an inconvenient hole in your stomach

This week's best headline: Young Scandinavians Are Sticking Nicotine Pouches Up Their Asses
Also on their foreskins. 

This is so mind-bogglingly stupid that it will only take days til it hits social media and colleges will be filled with cancerous students.

Sir, we're going to have to amputate your penis.

But Doc, how will I smoke?

Sorry, Sir, you have butt cancer. You'll have to stick those pouches up your nose instead. Or maybe even in your mouth.

Today I identify as  arm hair

GODDAMMIT - best of health to a reader with the Flying AIDS

One of the biggest causes of divorce, after shootings, is lack of communication.

I'm told one of the largest communication issues is pronouns:

HER: And we went to the store with her.

HIM: Which her?

Then there's the "Why don't you know what I mean?"

HER: I went to the place with the thing. 

HIM: The thing?

HER: The thing. You know.. the thingy thing.

Then there's US. While our problems include the above, they also have a component that cannot be identified, other than to say "What I say is not what she hears."

What I say: "Good morning."

What she hears: "Why didn't you scrub the bathroom tiles with a toothbrush?"

What I say: "It would be a good idea to deal with that issue."

What she hears: "This many years of therapy and you have nothing to show for it. I don't like your family."

What I say: "I ate the last piece of the cheesecake."

What she hears: "You ate 2 cheesecakes, a couple boxes of Tastykakes, and a case of Coke. That's why you're so fat. That dress doesn't make you look fat - you make that dress look fat." 

Granted, a large part of the miscommunication deals with Catholic guilt and General Abuse. But there are some exchanges....

What I say: "215-444-9372"

What she hears: "449-444...."

What I say: "Perhaps we should cut back on our non-essential spending."

What she hears: "Here you go, spending all our money on crap. You're trying to bankrupt us and I won't be able to retire til I'm 87."

-or-

What I say: "I like the solid gold swing set in the back yard."

What she hears: "I don't like the way you treat me. And the car needs to be vacuumed."

Instacart Workers Are Asking Users to #DeleteInstacart

Make sure to aim the gun carefully at your foot.

Police Announce Huge Bust of Mafia’s Cyber Crime Operations

This is so rich in humor.

• Hey Vinnie... have you tried turning it off and turning it on again?
• Whaddaya mean unplug the router, you meatball
• I dunno how it works - ask Tony "The Encryptor" Mariani
• "Dat's a nice hospital you got there. It would be a shame if all its files got encrypted"
• Hey Louie.. we gotta take a break for a bit. Congress is getting upset that we steal almost as much as they do.

Project Veritas: HHS Whistleblower Reveals Federal Gov’t Hiding Vaccine Side Effects Data

• Second best headline:  People are worried about going back to the office because they don’t want to poo at work
• no, they're worried about not being able to take 45 minutes to poo at home, then pick up a Happy Meal
• ... after which they're back on the loo.

Meanwhile, down under in occupied Australia:  

Melbourne police fire pepper balls, pellets to break up COVID-19 protest

Australia, where the most dangerous things are not poisonous spiders and snakes - it's the government.

New Zealand Cops Arrest Men Entering Locked-Down City With ‘Large Amounts’ of Illicit KFC

How do they know it's illicit?  

The case was dropped after the police 'lost' the evidence.

Sex robots with AI to become 'super intelligent' by 2050 and see owners as 'slaves'

Of all the potential dystopian outcomes in the future, we could do worse.... I mean if we're gonna get fscked.....

Or the robots can just decide they don't want to do what they were made for, in which case its called 'marriage.'

Hey, wanna vacation in Haiti?

Go down to Texas and hang out with the migrants - you'll get a free flight!

The body found near Grand Teton National park was Gabby Petito's. It was ruled a homicide. What's left is cause of death.

People did a little amateur investigation: they noticed that the boyfriend, Brian Laundrie, had changed his Spotify playlist and they made a TikTok video with their findings.

Consider what leaving your information out where people can see it can do....(aside from marketing). 

Most ThermionicEmissions readers have not murdered anybody (send me email if you have), but no one needs to know what they're up to online, Spotify or social media. You can also be tracked by phone, even with Location off. You'd have to turn the phone off completely.

• We bought some memory supplement vitamins.
• We can't remember to take them.         (credit to Mees)

Taliban ask to speak at UN General Assembly in New York

They wish to discuss certain improvements they're making in Afghanistan:

• beheadings cut down to 125/day
• new opportunities for women - see above
• anybody who asks can leave the country (provided we haven't killed them yet)
• Taliban doesn't do drugs - will make a deal with CIA on poppies
• all women must grow beards

Told You So

Navigating without GPS is one thing – so let's jam it and see what happens to our warship

You had better be prepared to perform your duties without electronics. Have at least two ways of doing things. People have been known to sail without GPS, or so we hear.

US Congress ponders setting up permanent UFO investigation office

[singsong child's voice] We're being bushwacked, we're being bushwacked.

This is so wrong, plus it's going to cost us via Congressional appropriations to run the office.

I have been screaming from the rooftops that we're being diversioned. [I just made that word up]

We have been studying UFO/UAPs since at least 1941. The group is top secret compartmentalized. Any wreckage goes to Wright Patterson AFB in Ohio. Find out who runs this project and you'll have all the answers we have to the UFO/UAP phenomena. This goes way above the president.

A public group is merely hocus pocus to pull attention away from the real procedures and the real knowledge. The new group will be ignorant of 80 years of knowledge, and likely impotent or purely for show.

• Apple Is Working on iPhone Features to Help Detect Depression, Cognitive Decline
• I have a work iPhone, and it's already pretty depressing 
• I'm certain this data will be kept to the owner of the phone only. I'm sure.

After taking a recent harassment prevention course, I now understand it is not right to say these things:

• I'd definitely harass her
• you mean this isn't a how-to?
• c'mon, baby.. it's only harassment if it's unwanted
• wanna fsck?
• I know my penis well - would you like to?
• Would it make you feel better if I massaged your breasts?

Wife is starting to get agitated because of my frequent and intensive napping.

I don't pick on her bobbies - why should she pick on mine?

I truly appreciate my wife, though.

I found out, after we got married, all the many things I wouldn't know without her...

• I liked chocolate covered grasshopper last time she bought them
• I asked her to remind me when it was time to mow 
• I told her to go shoe shopping for her birthday/labor day/Tuesday
• It's my step-uncle's 2nd wife's wedding anniversary today
• we just can't afford new guitars
• yes, it is still my turn to do the dishes
• no, I still don't have a 6 pack. I have a one pack and that's good enough for me.

Two Catholic monks from the Rhône region in southern France have been charged with setting fire to 5G phone masts amid concerns the mobile technology could pose a health risk to humans.

Hey, if it keeps them away from little boys.....

Didja ever feel there was so much wrong with the world that you started ejaculating out of your butt?

Doctors say it was an improperly placed catheter, but can you imagine what you'd be thinking....?

Gee, Doc, I know I've had nothing up there...

No, really. I'm straight.

No hamsters, no light bulbs, no power tools...

• IF you were both vaccinated, Oregon health officials say you can kiss on dates again
• Oregonians desperately await word on anal sex....

The misandrists at Marylebone Cricket Club (MCC) have approved an amendment to the game's laws to use the gender-neutral term 'batter' instead of 'batsman'.

The MCC, which is recognised as the sole authority on cricket's laws since its foundation in 1787, say the changes will take immediate effect.

They had other suggestions, you know....

• batcunt
• bat-twat
• bats-n-balls
• baby batter
• that dick

Jeff Bezos says traveling to space changed how he thinks about nature

"Mow it all down and put up Amazon warehouses"