The Vagaries of Elephant Sexing. And Sexting.

After our great success with the battery-powered Worx mower, we purchased a Worx... thing... it's a small chainsaw attached to a long pole. Wife says it's for getting rid of high branches. I say it's for long distance torturing of certain neighbors.

I guess it depends on who handles it.  Meanwhile, it's waiting in the kitchen.


ThermionicEmissions is saddened to hear Beth Chapman, Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife, passed away, most likely from cancer (1967-2019). Although an occasional target of the blog, we send our best to Dog and family.

• Japan is set to resume whale hunting. They say it's essential.
• Reached for comment, the whales say it's not essential.
• Funny mishap on the first day: someone harpooned Rob Reiner.

At the Glastonbury Festival (England's answer to Woodstock III), people observed...

Unfortunate songstress Neneh Cherry was warbling through her set when the veteran OS finally gave up the ghost. Alas, XP was dealing with the stage back projection, meaning that the audience lurched from being vaguely surprised to learn that Cherry was still around to the horrifying realisation that so was XP.

Yes, Windows XP, the long out of support, dead OS. Perfect example. The only safe, past term OS, is one that runs by itself and doesn't connect to any network. When Microsoft tells you to upgrade, they're not kidding. And you know how I feel about Microsoft.

•  Mauritania (election controversy), Ethiopia (coup), Syria (2x, exams), have had large internet 'interruptions' with the past few hours. This shows you how important the net is, and how control of it is so important for tyranny. Remember this the next time you demand internet censorship and control.

Confused by all the news about Huawei?

Just discovered were 3 accounts on a big business router; all 3 were hard-coded (built in and not removable), one was root (access to everything) and 2 were system accounts. The passwords are the same, so if you know one, you know them all. I suspect the ability to 'phone home' will also be discovered.

So if you don't understand why many are calling for dumping their products, you're starting to. As a glance at the news will tell you, our government is not all that good at securing things. Nobody on the planet wants to fire up their networking gear and find out it's available to anyone with the password and it's sending data to China (where companies work even closer with their government).

This is why it's disheartening to see the president and others backtracking on the ban. [never hope politicians finally 'got it']

Along those lines, large cloud services provider PCM was hacked, as discovered in mid-May. Why do I say that if you can no longer touch your data, it's no longer yours? The moment you let things loose past your home or business, you are at the mercy of bright as well as bungling people/corporations. You've widened your attack surface (made yourself easier to hit with a foul ball).  The hack was accomplished via phishing, as most are lately.

In reality, you're not going to avoid The Cloud, whether you know it or not. Just don't choose to. Sync your browser passwords? Get your info from anywhere there's a connection? Get login and password from anywhere you are? It's in The Cloud.  Just don't put anything out that you don't have to, especially for the sake of convenience. 

Dear lefty:

• Where can I get a tin foil hat like you? What's your size?
• Just pretend you have one and act accordingly. It will eventually materialize; faster if you're referred to as one by friends or online. 
• My size varies, depending on how smug I feel that day. It's always large, though.

A lot of you are probably asking yourselves about the incidence of human feces incidents in San Francisco. Anticipating your question, I found the following...

I don't know which surprises me more: that there are so many or that there are stats. A San Francisco friend's comment was 'notice the color'.

• Several days after once again brandishing swords with the US, Iran said it's over the limit of plutonium it's supposed to have.
• They also announced they have very small penises.

There are people who have read ThermionicEmissions via online translation!

Nice to know I can frighten people in other countries.  World domination is imminent. 

• Sony is celebrating the 40th anniversary of the Walkman (1979). Where were you when it came out? A twinkle in your parents' eye? The back seat of a brand new Oldsmobile Cutlass station wagon? Still post-traumatic over the conversion to unleaded gas?

Karl Rove (R-Hell) was bemoaning the shit show that was the Democratic debates. His main objection was federal abortion funding, which he said 'violates morals and people don't want their tax dollars funding abortion.' Hey Karl - I'm morally opposed to war. I don't want my tax dollars funding the military industrial complex. You're a smart fella - you know it doesn't work this way... it's just convenient for your religious agenda.

Say what you will about Kellyanne Conway, but that New Jersey accent makes you want to gouge your own eardrums out. The sad thing is that her accent isn't all that bad for New Jersey.

This week's best overheard:

When police dug up the yard, they found the body. But unless it had 3 legs, there was another body down there somewhere.

COWORKER Follies

Ring ring...
Me: Yes?
Him: Hi, it's me. I wanted to get your idea on this project. I don't want to send the email first, then do the rest.
Me: I'm thinking we should wait on the email.
Him: Yes, but if we wait on the email, the boss will be upset.
Me: Why do you always call me to argue with yourself? Is your wife often upset with you and you can't figure out why?

• A baseball player died in a hotel at a young age. There is no cause of death but police don't believe foul play or suicide was involved. 
• When a musician dies, the cause of death is announced immediately, without autopsy.
• When there is a particularly nasty explosion, it is automatically not terrorism, before any investigation.
• How do they know this stuff?
• our condolences to the pitcher's wife of 7 months.

SJW News

Nike co-opted the Betsy Ross flag as a sneaker decoration.
There was incredible howling from Colin Kaepernik, because 'it takes us back to slavery'.
Nike will not sell them in the US.
Demands to destroy the Betsy Ross House and Betsy Ross Bridge are pending.

Men have named women's body parts, which is sexist.

Oreo is giving away special Pronoun Packs and encouraging everyone to share their pronouns with pride today and every day.

Fidget Spin THIS

Did you know that we're using Windows XP in almost every power plant? A security expert says 'we're just hoping for the best'.

Watching the Internet of Things and the Power Plant Debacle is like watching a train crash in incredibly slow motion. I desperately want to be wrong about this but nothing seems to have changed.

Manufacturers refuse to learn. With every generation of technology there are faults. These faults need to be catalogued so they can be eliminated for the next generation. We've had PCs since the 80s, yet many things in many fields come out and fail to learn simple lessons. The most egregious these days is Internet of Things devices. It's bad enough that people are ok with appliance and light bulbs phoning home, but the security implications are staggering.

Add all of this knowledge to everything from government to huge utilities to small businesses, who are not updating their technology and failing to patch it if they have. They're sitting ducks. Windows XP is dead and has not been supported for quite a while. This was no surprise - Microsoft announces end-of-life long before the date arrives. There have been quite a few versions of Windows since XP, all of which were apparently ignored. While I don't feel sorry for most businesses that get hit, when we're talking hospitals and electric utilities, it can affect us all.

End of periodic rant.

• A Swedish minister said that reducing the number of cars on the road is a gender issue because their prevalence in Swedish cities results in men taking space away from women. Somewhere, unknown to most, is a book called Feminism: The Stupid Rationale Guide.

If you haven't lately, make sure to check for updates on your android phone. There are a number of nasties floating around and you always want to have the latest patch. One of the reasons for the nasties is crapware uploaded to Google Play that misses their detection and is installed on phones. Please only install android software from the Play store or an appropriate third party. When you're deciding whether to install or not, check the software description and reviews carefully. Look for grammar mistakes and obvious fake reviews.

Which brings us to the latest android ransomware. It threatens to send your internet history and private pics to all your friends if you don't pay. I don't know about you, but my friends would die of boredom reading my internet history (if it weren't deleted as soon as the browser closed). My pictures are largely of Marshall, and aside from the Modern Transsexuals site, I don't surf anywhere interesting.

• Because engagement parties, pre-engagement parties, wedding showers, baby showers, weddings, baby naming, and parties for the sake of parties, the Committee On Bilking Friends, Family, and Others, has released its latest mandated celebration: the gender reveal party. Our understanding is that this event is to reveal the gender of the baby, not the whatever the mother identifies as this week. As for the gender of the father or what he identifies as, who gives a rat's ass? Parties are exclusively for women.

If you've ever worked remotely, this list will be spot-on. If you haven't, it will merely be amusing.

• According to Symantec's research, 84% of people will connect to any wifi that's free and strong enough, carrying out their daily activities, including financial transactions, email, and accessing adult content. Don't be one of the 84%, please.

Marshall Update: His operation/biopsy was postponed a few days because his output wasn't what it should be. Short diet change should fix this. Pain meds, because he's whining a bit for no apparent reason. The mass occasionally bleeds, so the furniture and the parents now have dried blood in weird places. He managed to tip over some paperwork, which is now stained from water after his pool visits, plus dried blood.

• Another Aviation Scientist tried to open the door on a Delta plane recently. The hero was a flight attendant, who hit him over the head with a champagne bottle. The plane burst into applause and Delta charged her for the bottle.

Mrs. lefty asked who ate the trash. Marshall said it was the Russians. CNN backed him.

Speaking of Mrs. lefty, she just called to tell me there was a 'moo cow' out in the middle of the street, in a shopping center. They've been getting loose a lot lately, just not in PA. She said it was prancing around. It took a few minutes to figure out it was some dude in a cow suit, doing a promo for Chik Filet.

• The data of at least six million Verizon users has leaked online. Verizon says it's ok - none of the information was stolen. After the initial report, it took Verizon only nine days to fix the leak. Verizon stated that this was due to "human error" and that no loss or or theft of customer information occurred. Further, they maintain that only six million records were exposed, not fourteen million, as the firm that discovered the 'human error' stated.
• Taking Verizon at its word, there were six million records exposed to the entire internet, because a third party vendor misconfigured a server in THE CLOUD. But no data was stolen. Not a single person saw one bit of the data, because they had to have the specific url of the misconfigured cloud server.
• This is obviously why Verizon Wireless users pay more for their accounts. You don't get this kind of service with lower-priced carriers.

Tomato plant research has produced something interesting: when caterpillars start eating leaves, the plant releases a chemical that sets the caterpillars on each other.  Kinda like politics.

• Part of the slow motion mass casualty collision that is facial recognition is happening now in airports. It is allegedly for foreigners leaving the country, per Congress and sped up by a Trump executive order. Well, yes, all scans are deleted after 14 days and yes, you can allegedly opt-out, this information goes to our good friends at DHS/CBP.

Noted constitutional scholar and part-time telephone pole, Rosie O'Donnell states "I don't care if you want to hunt. I don't care if you think it's your right. I say sorry. You are not allowed to own a gun, and if you do own a gun I think you should go to prison." No doubt all of her bodyguards are unarmed too. I need to find a job where I can get paid very well to say Stupid Shit<tm>. Several of my readers might state that this blog is that job but I must correct them; I don't get paid for this.

Giving Darwin a Little Push

So I'm driving along, minding my own business, and everybody else's because none of them can drive, and there's a biker, biking in my lane, outside of a bike lane. I would be the bad guy if I ran him over.

A little later there was a person walking in the street on a tiny two lane road. I remember thinking it was getting late and maybe he should have tried in an hour, when no one could see him. I would not be the bad guy then.

• If you're a Snapchatter, and who among us is, you should turn off SnapMap yesterday, especially on your children's phones. It's a new location tracker, letting everyone know where they are. You know.. everyone. Friends. bullies, neighbors, child abusers, etc...

Ever have an earworm? No, not that thing in the Star Trek movies that eats into your brain. An earworm is a song that gets into your head and won't leave (kinda like that thing in the Star Trek movies). 

You know you've raised a great kid when they come up with creative, personal gifts for your birthday. My friend's son picked up his ukulele (stop it) and belted out a Foo Fighters song, her favorite band. She was joyful and sent copies to everyone. And now I've got "Learning to Fly" stuck in my brain. On ukulele.

• I stll can't type.

Among the most interesting(?) facts I learned in the past few days is that Patti Smyth ("Goodbye to You") married John McEnroe and gave up music until recently. In addition to being a great lefty tennis player, he's a lefty guitar player. Another fact is that he said Serena Williams is a great tennis player, but would be ranked 700 on the men's circuit. I smell war.

• A Southwest Air flight was diverted after a passenger tried to open the door while in the air. She was subdued. Those of us who have seen a season or two of Air Crash Investigation know it's physically impossible to open a plane door in flight because of pressurization.

My laptop power cord has a problem with me: second day in a row, it has disconnected itself. Either that or it feels it's due a vacation. I wouldn't want me pounding on me either.

• We are enduring some sort of cosmic mess starting with plumbing. The small lake in the basement was caused by a broken pipe. A temporary patch was applied, with the warning that we really need to get the pipe replaced. So we're saving. As we get close to the Magic Number, Marshall's vet bills and the new windshield arrived.
• The new small lake in the basement was caused by a brand new break in the pipe, about a foot or two down from the first break, whose repair has held up wonderfully.
• The toilets are no longer talking to each other, but have developed an allergy to solid matter being flushed. 
• I was looking for an excuse to stop eating fiber and now it's here!

You heard it here first: the National Endowment for the Arts is spending $20,000 on a film about an illegal immigrant lesbian who falls for a TSA agent. I'm against federal funding for all arts, but this time the Motion Picture Agency of America is on my side, of all people. They are terrified of the public discovering that movies can be made on a $20,000 budget.

• The University of Arizona wants to set the record straight: they have no relationship with a visiting scholar from France who identifies as a hippopotamus.
• To set the matter even straighter, the hippo is an alter-ego.
• This week I identify as a fire truck. Let me know what you identify as...

Last week, Johnny Depp asked when the last time an actor assassinated a president was. This week on the Presidential Hit List, John Cusack put up a graphic that states "You are dead. Get yourself buried."

You know me - I hold freedom of speech sacrosanct. I don't want to imply they shouldn't be allowed to say it. It's just pretty ugly. This didn't happen when Hollywood's Hero, the Obamachrist, was in office. I sure didn't wish for his death in public (or private), although I don't exactly have the reach of celebrity.

Predictably, the right is going mental about actors issuing death threats.
Predictably, the left is as quiet as the press was on Obama.
Do I believe that actors are issuing death threats? Please.
Do we need to look at what's happening upstream and who's trying to divide us? You tell me.

• Mozilla has a new privacy-focused browser called Focus. It was already available for iOS and now you can get it for android, both from the usual places. It's a very fast, stipped down browser that blocks ads and all sorts of trackers. If any of this breaks the site you're viewing, you can turn it off.
• I just installed it. It's very fast. Give it a shot.
• Having said that, I'll have to look into how this is different from Firefox with proper blocking extensions installed. I'm guessing the extensions are just integrated.

This is why we can't have safe things: Britain's latest aircraft carrier, the HMS Queen Elizabeth (3.5 billion pounds, which is Very Heavy in dollars), is vulnerable to cyber attacks because some of its systems run Windows XP.  The latest aircraft carrier. Runs an absolutely ancient version of an operating system. That operating system is Windows. Do you see where I'm going with this? Isn't it obvious to any first grader that you don't use ancient, no-longer-supported operating systems for anything, no less a new aircraft carrier? The ship actually has a team of people checking for cyber attacks. HMS stands for Hack My Ship.

It would be much easier to just paint HACK ME, I USE XP on the sides.

What the Hell Just Happened?

It's a recent Saturday, on which I've scheduled my exam for the Security+ certificate. For those of you who don't know, Security+ is a certification that one knows Important Stuff<tm> in the IT security realm. It mostly certifies that you test well.  Employers like certifications but I have something better; years of IT experience, which counts for something.  In addition to certifications, I don't have a college degree (because I couldn't pass the drinking exams to get into college).

If you've never tried to get a certification before, it's a very interesting (read: tedious) process. First you have to figure out who gives the test. Then at what location. Then if you have the proper identification (drivers license, something else with your signature and the proper arrangement of blood vessels in your retina).  All of this pales in comparison with Paying for It.  Yes, folks, this cert was going to cost me three hundred dollars, pass or fail.  And this is the cheap cert.

In addition to the rigamarole surrounding signing up, you have an actual Code of Conduct, which largely states that you'll show up, not blow raspberries at other test-takers or make fart noises with your underarm.  Oh yeah, you have to show up at least fifteen minutes early for the test.

For locations, I had the choice of a Korean church and an airport.  Hmmm.... this was going to be tough.  Let's see, a church (I don't go into churches because I always set off the Anti-Christ Detector) or an airport (the classic scenario of the guy with A.D.D. trying to take a test at an airport with planes taking off and landing).  Perhaps because I like a challenge, I chose the airport.  Have I mentioned that I haven't taken a test since.... well... let's call it the eighties.

Stay with me here.... it was my wife's birthday so I told her I'd be getting the certification as a small present.  Off we went, way too early, to the airport.  It was a small airport, which I suppose was a good thing and we watched a few planes land and take off.  It was kind of a nice morning, watching planes. One landed with the insignia of another country on it.  Turns out it belonged to a doctor, who had two.

So it was getting kind of late and the doors were locked.  Another poor slob showed up and we waited together for our test.  Our fifteen minute window came and went.  Then our test time came and went.  We stared quizzically at each other.

Unfortunately,  the test-giver apparently did not have to show up fifteen minutes early.  Or at all.  We didn't entirely know what to do so we did what came naturally; we sat there.  It quickly became an emergency, as my wife was out of coffee (do not pass Dunkin Donuts coffee, do not collect $200).

All of the sudden, we heard a thundering sound.  Looking toward the airfield, we saw nothing.  Then we turned to the parking lot and a humongous vehicle approached, with all the thunder of a 747, and squealed mightily into a parking spot.  If this was Test Guy, he sure knew how to make an entrance. He very slowly got out of the leviathan and it became obvious he had a small problem with one of his legs. I loved that on the back of the truck was a bumper sticker that said, "Don't you feel silly about your Obama sticker now?"

And he was Test Guy.

He let us in, apologized, then started explaining why he was late, what kind of trouble he was having with his leg, which vertebrae were out in his back, how long he has suffered, how he got that way and that one nostril was physically larger than the other.  Not to mention how much of a dick his boss was.

I know this was going to be an interesting test experience.

We all gave up our first-born and blood vessels and marched quietly into the test area.  The test area was replete with some magnificent wood paneling, reminiscent of the 1970's.  In fact, the entire shack looked like my parents' house in 1970.  But it had cable.

There were about six test stations.  The first thing I noticed, superior Security Dood that I am, was that the computers were all running Windows XP.  I decided the better of explaining why this was not a good idea and Test Guy finished logging in.  The other guy taking a test was taking a financial test, which prompted a question from Test Guy about what we should do when the economic system falls in on itself.  The answer, of course, was guns and precious metals (I knew that, securing myself a friend for life).  Unfortunately, finance test-taker just stood there, dumbfounded.

So the test started and informed me I had some ridiculously large amount of time to complete it.  I allowed myself a virtual sneer, as I blew through all of my practice tests in minutes.  In fact, I took practice tests until my eyeballs fell out and threatened to phone the Eyeball Abuse Agency.  There was no way I was not going to pass that test.

Off I went to the first question.  Oddly enough, it was a strange question, both in subject matter and in the fact that I had to 'wire' and complete a wireless system for maximum security.  Also oddly was the fact that neither of these appeared in my study materials.  It was all multiple-choice.

The second question surprised me by also being something that didn't appear in my studies.  It was about this time that I started getting nervous.  Perhaps, I thought, it was just these two questions and I could blast through the other ones quickly.

Nope.

Nervous was the order of the day.  As it turned out, very few, if any of the questions were in my study materials.  It appeared as if they had given me the wrong test (but I was hesitant to argue with Test Guy) and I figured I would see the test through and deal with the results later.

My many years in IT served me well, as there were things on the test of which I've never heard, as well as things I could answer.

I finished nervously but firm.  The test asked me if I wanted to review any of my answers.  Hell no - if I didn't have any idea the first time, what would be the point of proving that I didn't know it a second time?

I have to admit how difficult it was not to make fart noises with my underarms on the way out of the test area.  I may be an experienced IT guy but we're all still children when it comes to farts.

Test guy was very difficult to find.  I looked everywhere, including behind the paneling, yet he was not there.  Spotting an open door, I launched myself through it.  I wound up in a plane hangar and there was Test Guy.   In an accurate metaphor for the entire experience, he was smoking a cigarette under the NO SMOKING sign whilst examining a fire extinguisher for compliance.  I desperately wanted to take a picture but didn't think it was a good time.

I told him that the stuff on the test was not the stuff I studied.  He laughed and told me that nine out of ten test-takers said the same thing to him.

Alrighty then.

Test Guy performed whatever magic necessary to print out forms, make some copies, then complain about the government.  I watched the ancient printer eat up some paper and my heart sank.  Finally he gave me my results.  I wished him the best of health and left.

Wife was sitting there, watching planes and smoking like a chimney.  I was amazed that the airport didn't ask her to stop smoking, as she was violating local pollution ordinances. I walked out with lowered head and slow gait.  She looked concerned.  She asked.  I didn't meet her gaze but handed her the results.

Passing was 750 out of 900.  I got an 810.  I can now refer to myself as leftystrat, Sec+. I couldn't believe it and was numb.  IT Dood still has it after all these years!  Wife screamed and admitted she thought I blew it when she saw me.

I am such a total bastard.


Speaking of people who aren't bastards, Test Guy went outside for a ciggie and started talking to my wife about pain.  Wife gave him her Complete Course on pain control and some valuable tips.  I felt great that she reached out to him and hopefully he took some of it home with him.  It was a good day all around.

=============================================

Since it was the wife's birthday, I had a short (and cheap) ride planned.  She knew not where; I just gave her directions.

Halfway there, I got a call from a coworker.  There was a serious problem with one of the systems and it needed to be shut down.  Many calls and emails later, I was no longer needed (thankfully).  I was not relishing having to work on my wife's birthday, although I would have.  We work 24/7/365 on our team. Gotta keep the railways moving.

As we got closer, I had to find ways to block signs advertising our destination.  This consisted of physicallly putting myself between her (she drove) and the signs, as well as distracting her with conversation.  Somehow I succeded.

As we pulled off at the exit and came around the corner, there was much screaming.  There on the left was a Waffle House.

Before you laugh hysterically at me and call me names (other than the normal ones), I beg your indulgence.  We tend to hit a hamfest (electronics flea market for radio) in Maryland a few times per year.  On the way down are three Waffle Houses.  In Philthydelphia, there are no Waffle Houses.  We discovered Waffle House on a trip to Arizona, so it has sentimental value.  It takes about three hours to make it to Waffle House in Maryland.

I went online and discovered a Waffle House about ninety minutes away, which is where I took her.  She was incredibly impressed at my efforts at personalizing her gift. The internal children were screaming WAFFLE HOUSE, WAFFLE HOUSE and everyone was excited.  They love to watch the hustle and bustle of Waffle House operations.

Waffle House has some famous hash browns that you can order with several toppings.  I order ham, onions and cheese but Waffle House has a different designation for this, along the lines of slashed, hashed and mashed (which, coincidentally, is how I like my women).

As things go in large chains, the food was absolutely predictable, whether or not you like it.

Our waitress was a really nice older lady.  The folks sitting next to us, however, were from New Yawk and just a little weird, in that old, retired person way.  Mrs. New Yawk had some meds to take, which started the couple and the waitress talking about people in their families who had died recently from heart attacks.

You're probably wondering how it is that I come upon this Neat Shit every time I leave the house. I can't even begin to explain it to you, largely as I don't understand it myself.  Let it just be my pain and your joy.

Mrs. Yawk was going on about how her relative died at fawty, bless him.  Waitress talked about her uncle, who died at sixty-six; way too young, bless him.  Husband complained that wife spent all of the money, as one would expect.

At this point I can't decide whether to show them my pre-digested breakfast or just laugh.  I decided on the latter, with special consideration as to how I was going to describe it on the blog.  These are the things I do for you, loyal readers.

Eventually the waitress got the Yawkers out of their seats and lavished us with her attention.  As it turned out, there wasn't a single word spoken about death, heart attacks or industrial food.  She was polite, gracious and one of the best waitresses we've ever had.  We tipped generously, as anyone should for this level of service.

People are different outside of Philthydelphia.  On the way out, after our gourmet meal, we noticed a lady starting at us.  Getting into the car, she ran after us and asked if the wife lost a ring.  She figured it was the wife, as the ring was Indian and the wife has rather a large collection of it on her person at all times (she's a lot of fun at airport checkpoints).  I was dumbfounded.

===================================================

So it was a beautiful Saturday.  And my timing has to be applauded: when I went to work on Monday, I got laid off.