The Right Nipple Hall of Fame

 

Your love is like  post-shaving pimples

HIM: What would you like to drink?

HER: Mineral water, please.

HIM: Ok, Coke it is.

Today I identify as  a rubber chicken

One of the points of having a computer was for it to take the load, because it works much faster than you.

Well, it's supposed to.

It may be Wednesday, but the computer thinks it's Monday. It is less responsive on Monday than Joe Biden before Naptime. It took minutes to bring up Outlook. Forever to bring up Windows. And when it got close to up, Windows informed me it had to do an update.  It was all very hush-hush. It did allow me to schedule the update, which I found quite nice, and when I did, it told me NO. That's about right. Twenty minutes later, everything was at least up, when it told me it had to restart. Of course it had to restart. Windows' most consistent point is how it drives its users insane with updating, random rebooting, and refusal to act like an operating system. When someone is late for a meeting, they just say "I got Windowsed" and everybody understands. Many coworkers would rather stick their hands into a convenient electrical outlet than use Windows.

I know all about the speed of the internet, but for some reason, I was on Special Dialup Emulation mode. 300 baud.

After several days sick, being quiet and unbothered, I'm now screaming at the computer and Windows. First thing in the morning. I wonder if they should try using Windows instead of smelling salts.

I need to check my email, but there's still another ten minutes before it comes up. And when it comes up, rest assured it will come up FULL SCREEN, regardless of how you closed it, what you do to it, or if you use fresh chickens instead of store-bought ones. I hit the button to take it out of full screen, and it tells me what I think of Outlook anyway: Fails to Respond. I can actually grow my own coffee beans, roast them, grind them, and make all my coffee really fresh. I guess I shouldn't complain.

It got no better.

• When you're young, if you try to pick up a younger person, you're robbing the cradle.
• Jane Seymour is 70+. Today is Nancy Wilson's 68th birthday. Am I robbing the reaper?

After days of being sick, my body was revolting.

Let me rephrase that: my body revolted. It was upset about all that extra sleep I got and decreed that it would get no further sleep. I suspect this whole thing started after I tried getting more than four hours sleep per night.

It's incredibly nice outside again. People are walking around, looking up, waiting for the other shoe to hit them.

There was a shopping trip. The prices go up every time Putin sneezes, because of the gas prices. Still no yogurt.  I don't mean to bitch (yes I do), but that's 50% of my breakfast. Otherwise, if I eat too much fiber, the sewage system breaks and the city has to get involved (again). I had to pay for industrial teflon sewer lines out to the main line. You'd be shocked at how many local ordinances are put in place just because of me. Maybe not.

I keep trying to say I'm glad to be back to work and relative (ab)normalcy, but I'm not feeling it yet. Probably due to my weekly fight with Windows. It likes me only slightly less than I like it. I'm not sure my coworkers are aware I wasn't in or I'm back. They're a good bunch. Like purple grapes with that grotty white fungus growing on them.

Poor Mrs. lefty will need to sleep for a few days, after being on alert to tend to my sickness (physical). I don't like to be waited on, but once a year it's actually nice.

Flying AIDS News 

Fourth shot “is necessary” Pfizer CEO says as experts monitor BA.2

COVID cases are again on the rise globally as testing, health measures decline

Florida health official put on 2-month leave after urging staff to get vaccine

Covid: Why US students are staging walkouts over masks

COVID ups risks of dementia, cognitive impairment, and decline in older survivors

WHO Says It Advised Ukraine To Destroy Pathogens In Health Labs To Prevent Disease Spread

Moderna asking FDA for approval for 4th shot 

• The patchwork groups sharing gender-affirming underwear patterns
• I guess I'm secure enough in my manhood that I don't seek affirmation from my underwear 

Tesla has been quiet lately

Tesla hikes prices on all cars, with cheapest Model 3 now nearing $50K

But it's ok, for the extra money, the car has an even bigger chance of spontaneously exploding and hitting parked cars. For $20k extra, you can purchase the Pedestrian option, where the car will hit pedestrians instead of avoiding them.

Scientists claim hairy black holes explain Hawking paradox

I'll take "What does Niki Minaj have to do with Stephen Hawking?" for $500, Bob. 

• A study finds that the US has lost 57.6 trillion metric tons of soil due to agricultural practices.
• President Taxit has vowed $57.6 trillion to bail out farmers and has formed a task force to locate the missing soil.

There are a few things you simply do not want to hear from your spouse.

Number One: I've been thinking..

Number Two: I just changed pocketbooks and...

because it just means something got left behind, lost, or it will require more pocketbooks.

Campilobacter is NOT a food additive

Superbug-Infected Chicken Is Being Sold All Over the US

• A Fort Lauderdale active-killer training session states "that if you hear gunshots, you should “rapidly run away from the gunfire to seek a position of safety”
• It turns out that city employees were all running toward the gunfire and jumping on grenades.

Snoop Dog on tv?

You look surprised. It's all part of his plan.

To turn into a suburban middle-aged white guy.

Spam used to be so bad it almost killed email. Now the filters are incredible.

Except at work, where we prefer to generate our own. It's almost like they miss spam, so they needed to do something about it.

I hear more about National Whatsit Month than actual important mail from my own team.

• Come to an all-employee meeting about Elephants in Tech.
• Results of the all-employee meeting about Elephants in Tech (with attached Powerpoint presentation)
• [from team] We need to get on this
• Final Day of Elephants in Tech
• Final Thoughts on Elephants in Tech
• It's National Moth Month! Celebrate Moths in History!

So we stand highly educated on Elephants in Tech, and it makes Iqbal, my service elephant, very excited and he feels included. Unfortunately, it makes my real email hard to find and read. Hmm.... I wonder if the company is playing stupid and is trying to drive us away from email. Wow - it's sheer genius! Overload us with bullshit, eventually forcing us to ignore email completely. Wow. Just wow.

Unfortunately, we're not sure where they're pushing us. 

Meet the new boss.....

Dentist broke his patients’ teeth to make millions installing crowns, jury finds

Oh - I thought this was regular dentistry. 

Russian news network RT had its license revoked in the UK and is being thrown off networks worldwide. The really sad part of this is that I used to watch it now and then, long before the invasion, and there was a lot of truth there. One of the tricks in disinformation and misinformation is to leave some truth in. 

How a jetpack design helped create a flying motorbike

This will become fun when the flying cars start fighting with them...

Microsoft, everybody's best friend, will be retiring Internet Exploder 11 in June and replacing it with Edge (Chromium-based). This means Microsoft is seriously dropping its own faulty standard and making a new standard out of a Google product [Dr. Evil rubs his hands together and laughs... evilly].

 

Ubuntu changed its logo.

OHMIGOD - this is the greatest news since the war ended! Any war!

Nah, it's just my personal bugaboo. Style over substance. Some people seem more excited about the new wallpaper look in the new Ubuntu (or whatever) than any actual features. These are probably the same people who complain about ThermionicEmissions' colors blinding you. If you're going to complain, complain about the content. Heaven knows there's a lot to complain about.

I suppose it was inevitable... the Who are on their 43rd Final Tour, The Monkees can't tour, and I just got notice the Village People are touring. This is almost as bad as Robert Plant's man bun. I'm trying to remember an article I read about only one guy being original and the whole thing being his idea anyway. Gay men are still laughing at getting one over on the 'breeders' this time.

yeah, but who was photographing her?

My Emotional Support Elephant is Wiccan

 Your love is like  a bottle of herpes

• TikTok is removing educational hacking videos
• Watch the dance videos. Drool. Be a good citizen.

Today in Olympics news:  George Harrison disqualified from Paralympics when judges ruled death does not qualify as a handicap

President Taxit wants to create hundreds of thousands of jobs with a civilian climate corp.

priorities as young adults find work installing solar panels, planting trees, digging irrigation ditches and boosting outdoor recreation... 

This will obviously cost nothing. Obviously a government function. Boosting outdoor recreation?

Out of control.

Today I identify as  a womb

A Generation of American Men Give Up on College: ‘I Just Feel Lost’

Yet somehow this is bent around to being discriminatory to women.

Or something. There's a lot of statistics.

In the end what they're saying is to wait a while then go to college, when the women far outnumber the men. You chance of scoring goes up exponentially. Lesbians too.

• Singapore Police to Deploy Snitch Bots That Search for 'Undesirable Social Behaviors'
• I don't live in Singapore but this is pretty frightening 

Sex can relieve nasal congestion, and other work honored by 2021 Ig Nobels

So, uh, get to work....

• immutable law of physics: if you have two keyrings in your pocket, you will always pull out the wrong one

So there's one day til my dentist appointment.

He's going to do something to me that I haven't had done before.

The procedure rhymes with 'pull'.  Or "I'm going there to donate teeth."

I'm scared shitless. I hope the chair is non-stick.

I asked what can help nervous patients. I suggested not showing up, but he poo-pooed that idea. I asked about sleep meds, and he said no, because he likes to see the terror in patients' eyes. I asked if getting drunk would help. They only have nitrous. I want the happy gas, dammit! I want to be knocked so far out that I want to have the procedure.

They gave me a choice of what I wanted done with the hole. This would normally be an easy shot, but we're talking about my mouth here. It's usually open, so I want to be careful. Doc offered me one of those plate things. I have this repeating nightmare of taking care of a plate for the rest of my life. Then he suggested the Drill and Screw and Glue option, wherein they take a metal screw and put it in your jaw, then put a tooth-like substance on top of it. There is no dental insurance in the world that's gonna pay the $2,000 per screw. Plus I get the Screaming Heebee Jeebies (aka the douche chills) about screwing something into my jaw.  

When he found out my favorite color was green, he said he could glue in a green metal tooth. I suggested maybe hot pink. He parried with a grill. I told him I don't listen to the kind of music that requires grills. He suggested a barbecue grill, which got my attention. I asked about smokers... I like my meat smoked, so why not my teeth. He said insurance will cover 50% of grills but not smokers.

He told me about a thing called a bridge. I asked what the toll would be, and would the monies go directly to me. Apparently they remove a tooth and build a superstructure between the two adjoining teeth. He thinks I'm stupid, though... he wants to remove 2 adjacent teeth, which would require a suspension bridge, which would twist frighteningly in the wind.

There's these veneer thingies. This is where the dentist brings in his kids, some tooth-shaped material, and some super glue. The kids attempt to get the fronts on the teeth before the glue dries and the teeth go on sideways. This either makes the kids enthusiastic to go into dentistry, or decide on a safer career, like cow inseminator. 

To make all of this worse, I found out the doctor is a lefty, which is rare in dentistry. Are you reading me here? All of the equipment is backwards. So I'm going to let a dentist do stuff to me with equipment designed for the wrong hand. That's reassuring. 

• those of you who work.... in any talk with superiors, mention AI. It's the current buzzword. It will make them aware how forward-thinking you are. It doesn't even have to be anything intelligible - "I was thinking AI would really give us good ROI on the sanitation project." It will only be a matter of time til your promotion. Or til your boss takes credit for your idea.

There are a ton of HD external cameras available for your computer.

Most laptops have cameras built-in.

Trust me - the last thing you want is your colleagues to see you in Hi Def....

Most of us don't wear pants

• Biden and his staff are exempt from the vaccination/testing mandate
• hmmmmm.......
• NEW - Dr. Fauci: Proof of vaccination or negative test for domestic travel within the U.S. "is on the table for discussion."
• Which countries are vaccinating children and why?
• Tension over boosters rises as FDA regulators quit and publicly blast Biden’s plan - side with WHO on boosters, citing insufficient data

Hypergiant Industries is trying to launch satellites to search for UFOs on earth.

That's a serious duplication of effort and waste of money. Don't you think existing satellites track incomings? The answer is classified, but you can start with NORAD.

• According to Science, the world now sees twice as many days over 50C
• Quite frankly, I'm not taking climate change seriously until they start measuring temperature in Fahrenheit

Cows toilet trained to reduce greenhouse gas emissions

...taking the world by storm:

• airplanes taught to hold it in - "I told you to go before we left"
• Mexico closes after beans outlawed
• people taught to use toilets (except San Francisco)
• remember: if you outlaw poo, only outlaws will poo
• cats refuse all training, but nobody seriously expected that to happen

The doctors told me it's bad form to kill people.

It's been 2 days.

The alcoholics say "One day at a time."

Unfortunately, I'm not an alcoholic.

• Know what sucks?
• many many things
• among them is staff meetings, eulogizing lost coworkers

I like to learn the hard way.

In fact, I insist on it.

So I report spam.

Yesterday I reported spam from an Outlook account.

Today I got a notice that the email violated Outlook's terms of service and they took appropriate action.

It must've been swift and severe, because I reported the same spam last week.

I am currently at war with my ear. In order to maintain anonymity, I'm not going to tell you which one.

For no apparent reason, it gets itchy.

So I scratch it.

This morning all was well, so I told myself I wouldn't scratch.

So naturally I scratched it.

And it started itching.

So I scratched it.

When it stopped itching, I noticed my hand reaching up to scratch it.

This went on all morning.

I may have to wear an ear guard. Or a hand guard.

My dental insurance sent me an email with teeth health tips.

The absolute best was to avoid sugar.

If I avoided sugar, I'd have nothing to eat.

When I was a little bastard, I'd eat Sugar Snacks. When we were out somewhere, I'd open a sugar packet and eat the contents. The parental response was priceless. I should probably stop that sometime soon.

• The Teamsters File for First Union Election at an Amazon Warehouse in Canada. Canada is in no way ready for broken windshields, slashed tires, verbal harassment, broken limbs, and all the other joys that come from the Teamsters. After about two days, Canada will tell Amazon to get it's stuff together and tell the unions to leave.

Miss Ireland 2021 is the first black winner of the crown.

A case of whiskey was delivered backstage, after which a huge brawl broke out over someone's mother and because Miss Ireland didn't sound Irish enough.

• Remember the shutdown of Gatwick Airport in England because of a drone?
• There was no drone, except for the police drone, looking for the offending drone
• miscreants and jokers kept calling in alerts
• I continue to smell shenanigans

[Scientists] Boffins say Martian colonists could pee in buckets, give blood if they want shelter

Honey, I smell something.

Oh, you always smell something.

It's only during the day.

Sure it is. What do you smell?

I'm not sure, but I think I smell pee.

You smell pee?

Yes.

During the day?

Yes. And why can't we get blue bricks?

Because they're all red - you know that.

I'm beginning to think this living on Mars thing is way overrated.

I don't know what you're complaining about. Aside from no breathable atmosphere, no plumbing, no food, and making shelter with blood and piss, what's wrong? Try being grateful for once in your life. We only paid $4 million for this honor.

• It's almost predictable: watch out for Flying AIDS spam or phishing

Michelin now has an airless tire. The reviews are in:

• Flat
• Not as square as one would expect - (Science)
• Flatter than an anorexic at a food-tasting event
• Flat - (Auto Trend)
• Flat Flat
• Mostly round, except where it's flat
• They should have considered air, like all other tires
• Flat - (Batman)
• What is it - a Tilt-a-Whirl? - (Joe Biden)

There's been a whole lotta noise lately about 'right to repair'. If you don't know what that is, allow me: Tesla wanted $22,500 to replace a battery in an out of warranty car. An independent repair shop fixed it for $5,000. Many companies want to be the only ones to do any and all repairs, like Tesla and Apple. This is why. The government is going after the giants to allow right to repair. Please consider this if you're considering a Tesla. Is even a $5,000 charge ok?

Existence is Futile [Borg updated]

Hey, how bout those Teslas..  The Teslas that every owner just got locked out of, with an "Unknown Error."  Customer Service lines are melting. Nobody knows. Unless you have the key card and fob, you're fsckd.

YouTube will be fined up to $200 million over COPPA investigation.
Staff in an uproar - that's the weekly toilet paper budget for the Executive 
Lavatory.

In a race with the government and Google for most evil, Faceyspaces now has facial recognition for all users. Fuck yourself with a molten ingot.

Headline: Yahoo email users logged in to discover email was broken.
Real Headline: People use Yahoo email.

Google's spellcheck for bloggers is broken. Please excuse any errors (I read the first word or two of every other paragraph, so I'm not much help).


A mid 1800s (People's Republic of) California law criminalized able-bodied people not helping the police when requested. The governor struck down the law.  This goes nicely with the other governor who governed that no one should assist ICE in their sanctuary city. I'm trying to get our governor to decriminalize bank robbing and online bank hacking. And those really interesting adult businesses on the edge of town....

A different governor noted that hurricanes and fires are getting worse, but he's happy with what his party's doing (D - DisneyWorld).  The next presidential debate will note this climate change and officially blame Trump.

• Hurricane Dorian hit Florida. Both were moving at 8mph.

Dear lefty

• What's today's gripe?
• Those guys I hired apparently didn't 'modify' your brake cable

Lefty guitarists, this is your once in a lifetime chance!
For only $399, you can buy a PRS Private Stock.... case.  I love ebay.

• The brave protesters in Hong Kong have won: the extradition bill has been withdrawn. They fought for freedom, using American inspiration and slogans. We fight for more kitty picture on Faceyspaces.

Major automakers have agreed to equip nearly all US vehicles with systems to remind motorists of passengers in the back seat, in an effort to avoid deaths of young children left behind in hot cars.  Congress never met a topic they couldn't 'fix' with legislation. How long til it alerts the authorities?

• Joe Biden had a press op at a Dairy Queen. He ordered a Whopper.

• Seth Ator, the man accused of killing 7 people in Texas, was already barred from purchasing firearms due to mental disability.
• He had also been calling police and the FBI for years, leaving incoherent messages. It's almost as if they weren't doing anything on purpose....

No thank you, I'd rather pull bugs out of my cereal

• Best Tweet: If you think an AR-15 is too dangerous, you should check out the MK-Ultra.  @beinlibertarian

I think one of my credit cards is having a good time at my expense.
They send me ridiculous emails every day, with some magic offers, none of which are relevant, and none I want to receive. To make matters worse, they put stupid little graphics on the subject line. That alone merits punishment. Nobody puts emojis or whatever the hell they are in my email program.

So I showed them. Last week I went to their site and opted out from all their ridiculous emails. Then they showed me, by emailing garbage, as if I hadn't opted out. This morning, furious at the invasion of my mailbox (yes, before I took my meds), I went BACK to the site and again opted out of everything. HA!

When I got back from that, there was another email in my inbox. With an emoji. They have one week to fix this, before I have them strung up for spamming their customers. I will also have their pets adopted out to other families, and replaced with ostriches. Their blenders will all fail, and they'll have nothing but hand mixers. And their internet will all be G-rated. Do not mess with me.

• 20 members of Boris Johnson's Conservative party have voted against him to prevent the UK from leaving the EU without a plan in place. They want a swimming pool.
• Boris' plan to suspend UK Parliament ahead of Brexit is lawful, a judge in Scotland ruled.  Emboldened by the news, Boris will be firing all of his opponents.

Coworker Follies

ME: can you find the Bob List?
HIM: what's a Bob list?
ME: a list with 'Bob' in it. I'm assured it exists.
(5 minutes later)
HIM: found it. Would you like a screenshot or should I share my screen?
ME: (starting to shake head violently) Just tell me where it is, please.
HIM: it's in the Jimmy Box - go here, ask it for everything, and there you go.
ME: How does asking for everything give you the Bob List?
HIM: Ummm.. it just does.
ME: (looks, yells, removes paint from walls) Ok, send me the screenshot.
HIM: Here you go.
ME: Thank you. Now where on this screenshot is the word 'Bob'.
HIM: No, there's no Bob on that list.
ME: THEN WHEN DID I SPEND THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF MY LIFE WITH YOU 'finding' SOMETHING that doesn't show WHAT I ASKED FOR?

At least he's consistent... he consistently aggravates me by consistently answering questions incorrectly.

One hour later....

HIM: Hey - I found the Bob List! It's here. I can get to it.
ME: do you plan on sharing it with me or did you just want me to know you found it?
HIM: It's easy.
ME: I remain in a waiting state. (eyeballs banging into each other)
HIM: hit the arrow button on the top left, next to the logo.
ME: pretty neat - let me give it a shot
ME: (searches around, cannot find an arrow) Ummm sorry, I don't have an arrow
HIM: I'm 5 steps ahead of you. I sent you a screenshot. (nothing if not disorganized).
ME: the arrow up top
HIM: yes!
ME: on the screenshot, you circled the arrow button up top... the BACK button on the browser.
HIM: Yup - it worked.
ME: You're telling me to hit the BACK button to make the Bob List come up.
HIM: Yes!
ME: We used to get vaccines so we didn't have people like you.
(5 minutes later)
HIM: I can't repeat this reliably.


Work is fun... we have these surveys... we are encouraged to fill them out. I enjoy filling out surveys, in the way I enjoy getting getting checked for.. whatever it is they're checking for when the doc puts his finger up your butt. This is made easier by the surveys being voluntary and anonymous. Yup, 100% voluntary. Right up til they notice I haven't filled it in and they contact my boss. Please do not deluge me with requests for job applications.

• The dog has been quiet all morning, in her yard. This is odd. If she barks, she comes inside, so as not to annoy the neighbors.
• Hours later, I go to the bathroom and have a seat.
• BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK

Heroes of the Stupid

My behavior in bed is atrocious. Stop - this is G-rated.
According to a reliable source, who isn't the dog, I am quite entertaining. I start with Mattress Dancing, where I twitch, jump, and roll. When the warmup is done, I get to the main show: laughing, cursing, crying, and punching. I am horrified that I punched my wife.  When I wake up, I'm given a review of my performance: "I'll give it two fists, Bob."

No matter when or how I call my wife on the phone, I don't get through. If I text, she texts back, forgetting that it takes from an hour to 3 days for it to reach me. When I mention this, she says "Ida know..."  Reflecting on this, maybe the phone and the punching are subconscious.



SJW Stunts


Kansas university faculty wants Chik-fil-A banned from campus for fears of 'safety' and 'mental well being'. They believe the chain violates "safety and inclusion"  When do these people have time to teach?  Oh.

Council member says cleaning feces off Seattle streets with a power washer is racist.  It's getting worse when these headlines go under SJW and Stupid.

Porsche is making a leather-free version of its new Taycan electric sports car in the latest attempt by a German automaker to play up green credentials as environmental activists lobby for a boycott of the industry.  Then all the SJWs will buy a Porsche!

Well, mine is...

There Are Many People in the World. You Are Definitely One.

I'm a sucker for those airport security shows, where they track people coming in, looking for illegal this or that. They also check that people coming in have the proper visa. One guy, who was a little boisterous, claimed he was coming to visit, but the staff wanted to investigate further. Because the guy was waving at the cameras and joking with the staff, they called in a doctor to advise if the guy was sane. He passed his test.

What really bothers me is that they thought the guy was mentally questionable for acting like me. There is abundant evidence backing up my voluntary agoraphobia.

• September is National Preparedness Month. So don't do anything rash.

Today is Importance of Punctuation Day (I made that up). When sending email and typing, it is important to use proper punctuation. "Whoopi Goldberg & Jewel's Holiday Tour" was the email subject. Is this two separate shows or one? Depending on the answer, things could go from bad to worse.

• Perhaps there is hope after all... according to a poll, 44% of Americans 18-27 have deleted the Faceyspaces app this year.
• If you must use Faceyspaces, do it from a browser. The phone app has access to all your data, location, and sexual preference.

It's a bad day to be Trend Micro (or a user of their products)... their Mac OS X apps were removed from the Apple store after they were discovered sending out private information.  If I owned a Trend product on any platform, I'd get rid of it immediately and demand a refund.

• And while we're talking about Macs, the number one paid utility in the Mac App Store steals browser history and sends it to a Chinese server. The server is currently offline, but that means little. People who use apps shouldn't be expected to perform packet captures to determine if the app is safe.

Ever use Skype? They inject white noise, on purpose, into both sides of each call, so callers know they're still connected.  Skype's owner, Microsoft, injects backdoors in Windows, to let people know they're still using Windows, and remind them that backups can be retrieved from the NSA.

• The current spam bomb utilizes "Unsubscribe" as a subject and concept. Your mailbox and spam folder will be full of this nonsense. Delete every message and don't reply. If you are unsure, follow my mantra: Just Say No. You can also hover over the underlined link, where you'll notice the address is different than claimed. Also, the FROM name and possibly SUBJECT will be missing information or incorrect.
• A small piece of information FYI: if you don't use HTML email, the entire message will be in text, and the fake address link will be right there in front of you. You can try checking the source, from a menu, or switching to plain text. Thunderbird has a plugin that will let you switch reading modes. Most have the option in one of the menus.

As usual, I'm minding my own business at work, when I get a request for a short job at another location. I enjoy going to other locations about as much as I enjoy stitching up large gashes in my own skin, but it is technically my job. And when I say technically, I mean a trained goldfish can complete the job from inside its watery abode. Why, you ask, does a company deploy an expensive asset for a job that anybody in the facility can perform? They have whole teams that do nothing but work on this equipment.

Ahhhh... now I get it. It's only been a few years and I catch on very slowly.

The part to install had arrived the day before, addressed to Stanley. Stanley's away, due to Mrs. Stanley, which we won't discuss, except to say it had nothing to do with the hand mixer or the zebra. The main office spent hours trying to locate the part. Why? Because it was addressed to Stanley and not anyone who could do anything about it. After several hours of contacting Spock and the Away Team, they had finally secured the part. So they emailed the teams that do this work. I discovered there's a subtle art of job-shifting... they did not respond to the emails. Since they did not respond, it became my job. When I see these people, they tell me it's stupid for me to come all this way and why not let them do it. Very clever, but I'm onto your game! 

They sent me explicit step-by-step directions on how to replace the broken part. It was about 25 pages long. Nothing I haven't done before, just not on this model. After skimming the 25 pages, I translated them from "The lawyers said to word it this way" to "pull the bad part out and plug the good one in". No problem - this I can handle.  

Oops... did I mention my key card?

I got it a few months back and it wouldn't open anything. I let the nice people in the Key Department know and they said they'd get their Best People on it. So naturally it continued to not work. Yes, it's funny in a stereotypical way, but it's somewhat less funny when you have to stand near a door and wait for someone with a working key card to come by. Ironically, the trip to the Key Department was delayed as I waited five minutes for somebody with a functioning key card to come by. The gentleman I talked to is the same gentleman who was going to 'get right on it' and absolutely did not 'get right on it.' He sent an email and told me it would take a while. Dear Sir... I am here for an important job. If I can't get to my own department, your network may fail. Fortunately I knew where his request was sent, so off I went, only stalled by trying to get through two doors my key card wouldn't open. The Main Key Card Guy took one look and said it was deactivated. Well, as far as I know, I'm not deactivated. Still getting paychecks. Hmmmm... he clicks one box and everything works. See how hard that was?

Speaking of working, I hunted down the errant piece of equipment and took the bad part out, plugging the good part in. It fit perfectly, except the front plate, which wasn't even in the ballpark. I took a picture and sent it to the people who operate the equipment, who where thrilled at my ingenuity, and told me this was in no way the right part. I'll say it wasn't the right part: the damn manual had a picture of the box that was wrong. They thanked me profusely and said they'd ship out the correct part for the next day.

Halleleujah! I could ride out to the remote office again to install a Goldfish Part. I cannot describe the thrill that went through my body.

We got a tracking number and everything!

First thing in the morning they're emailing me that the part's in and how quickly can I install it. Oops again - the part is in my state, but not at the facility. Gee, let's say we wait before I make the drive, ok? Within two minutes I got an email from UPS, saying expected delivery date was tomorrow. How is it the people who shipped the part don't know how they shipped the part? Oh yeah, they need it to be working for a Serious Meeting in the afternoon. I pointed the delivery day out and all of their incessant email chatter stopped. Hey, I like this. I get some of my best work done at my own desk.

The return authorization person specified the wrong carrier and complained when our zip code had more than five digits. What country are we in again?

If this were any more twisted, I'd check to see if I was working for the government.

I do nothing: I do it often and I do it well

For some reason, known only to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, an email address I don't use has become Spam Central, largely for foreigners trying to give me millions of dollars because of their declining health (and mental capabilities). The address is ONLY used for Google communications for this blog. Even though I was never good at math, I think I got this one.

If I really cared, I'd take them up on their offer and scam them out of their own money, but it's just sooooo much effort to expend when I can't become awake for work, even at my own desk, after 3 cups of coffee (and an undisclosed amount of meth, snorted right there, which everybody thinks is coke).

• If you use Firefox and take advantage of private browsing, you will be happy to know that it's absolutely infested with Google nonsense. I'm recommending that, if you care, you set your options to mimic private browsing, without using the feature (forget everything you did, flush cookies and history, etc). 
• One of the problems is the use of a Google blacklist of bad sites. When you query the list, Google knows where you're going. Outside of private browsing, you can set the service used (which may also keep records - check).

Speaking of delayed gratification, Stanford University for the Terminally Wealthy did a famous study, where children were put in a room and given a marshmallow. They were told they could eat it whenever they wanted, but if they waited til the Study Person returned, they'd get another marshmallow. Forty years later, it was shown that the children who waited experienced better outcomes in life. Also that phrases like 'better outcomes' take about forty years to appear. And if you don't pay researchers on time, studies take a lot longer to reach a conclusion.  [from 12 Habits of Mentally Strong People]

• US police might be in trouble via their bodycams. They turned up hackable, which could put the attacker in control of the camera and video. 
• If the police don't forget to turn the camera on.
• We will not learn.

After several huge media outlets threw Alex Jones off, coincidentally at the same time, it was discovered Twitter didn't. This came as quite a shock to Twitter's Left, which demanded he be silenced for 'hate speech', as well as free speech advocates, who figured he'd be thrown off by now. Reports are that Jones' subscriptions went through the roof after 'disappearing'. Twitter's Left are apoplectic, demanding they Do Something. Twitter is having trouble making a decision, for once. It should be noted that the majority of people thrown off Twitter are Twitter Right, as admitted by Jack, Twitter's Big Cheese<tm>.

Now, let's think on this for a second. As the election heats up, a conspiracy guy, off to the right, gets thrown off most major media/social sites at once. One could theorize he's influential, as so many sites acted at once. And since several sites acted at once, who's giving the orders?

Disclaimers: I do not listen to Jones, but he amuses me. As a libertarian, I believe that these sites have a right to allow or disallow whoever they want. However, this smells orchestrated and deserves investigating.

The effect of these actions is silencing people and cutting off income. Regardless of the person or entity being censored, is it ok with you that major outlets essentially dictate what you can see/hear/read?  Again, this is not about a person so much as silencing in general. Make no mistake - to allow this is a mistake. The left's excuse is 'hate speech'. If these people understood the First Amendment, they'd know that there is no such thing as hate speech. Speech is speech, whether or not you agree with it. This includes the unscrupulous legislators who allow such assaults on freedoms guaranteed to everyone.

• As if it wasn't bad enough that companies are selling literal airbrushes to apply makeup, they are also selling spray-on hair and/or root touchup. 
• dent puller would be helpful, as would body putty.

After watching way too many police shows, covering the US and UK, I've come to the conclusion, after taking way too much time, that police have turned into a multi-billion dollar drug-seeking operation. I think we can all agree that anything showing the officers in a bad light gets scrubbed from video and never shown. This leads to video of police actions that they think are legitimate.

The script is always the same:

• sometimes lame excuse for pulling someone over
• I need to pat you down
• do you mind if we search your vehicle? If you have nothing to hide, why object?
• ooh - drugs!

Some of the excuses are legitimate, like running a light. Some are completely ridiculous, like not using your turn signal for two seconds before changing lanes. Or a bulb out on your plate. I got pulled over for swerving a little as I approached a toll booth. I fully admit swerving, as I was reaching into my pocket for my wallet. We were on our way to a gig and the guy was playing "you don't have anything in the car I need to know about?". Officer, if you want to pull all our equipment out of the car and check it, be my guest. Then we invited him to the show, because we're that way, plus it was a lovely passive aggressive move on my part.

In all of these cases, the police were looking for drugs.

Now think about this. The US and UK (and whatever other countries) have set up a humongous infrastructure for the War on Drugs. The police are a detection unit for this alleged war. They don't even issue a ticket for a moving violation by itself without looking for drugs. Most of the time, they find drugs. One can guess these segments were left in on purpose because it makes great television, and the non-drug pullovers aren't shown because they're not exciting. Or most of the pullovers are for drugs. Take your pick.

The moral aspect of this is hysterical. "No, son, I don't smoke that stuff and you shouldn't either." Yeah, the forty year old policeman hasn't smoked a doobie and gives a stern moral lecture. Just say no to cutting off our money supply for this terrible war we must fight.

And then there are the just plain stupid drivers, who lead the police on a dangerous, high speed chase through two counties because they have an overdue parking ticket. The driver admits this to the cops, as he's being extracted from his upside down vehicle that he crashed on the side of the highway, after the stop sticks were deployed. No doubt they search what's left of the vehicle for drugs.

DISCLAIMER: none of the above applies if the driver is impaired. The police and prosecutors should throw the book at anyone who drives impaired for any reason.

• Ever so slightly disconcerting is watching my cursor move a little bit by itself.

The Continuing Adventures of Space Force

Lieutenant lefty here.

As you may remember, I was selected for The Force by President Trump himself. A year later, we still don't know why.

I have risen in rank rapidly, because of things like getting three r-words into small sentences, seemingly effortlessly. The fact that I can tell the difference between a male and female cable end might also have something to do with it.

Last week our Secret Mission (sssshhhhh.... don't tell anybody) was to check out what King Kong Ill, President for Life of North Korea, was up to when not in the press. What I'm going to tell you is Triple Top Secret, above even Double Tomato Clearance, so you must swear on whatever it is that people swear on, that you will not repeat this information or tell anyone where you read it. When not in the public eye, King Kong Ill has his BFF, Dennis Rod Man, over for one of his Ultra Secret crossdressing parties. The Minister of Panty Propaganda had a little chat with Rod Man, wherein he explained that no matter how Dennis dressed, the most fabulous and prettiest in the party had to always be the Ill, as insiders call him. An outsider called him the Ill once, and they still haven't found his body.

When President Trump met King Kong, he couldn't understand why the Ill had a picture of J. Edgar Hoover, nefarious head of the FBI and famous gay crossdresser, in his private suite. There are still high level discussions among the Cabinet whether it was a full size picture or just another of the Ill's mirrors.

After this amazing discovery, we saw a bunch of various colored and shaped craft of some sort whiz by our ship. Since we're the Space Force, we thought maybe we should take some sort of action. Since we're the Space Force, we had no idea what action to take, so we phoned the White House. Dick Cheney said we saw nothing; it was merely space gas. So we went back to our duties. By the way, if anybody knows what our duties are, could you please send them to me at my secret classified email address?  Thank you.

Snakes Damn Near On A Plane

Lest you think I have only doubts about the TSA's ability to find its hand in front of its face... a woman traveling from Miami to Barbados was stopped because of 'biomass' inside an electronic device. Investigating further, the woman had put a ball python inside a hard drive (must've been a really large hard drive). So let me make amends to the TSA: The TSA cannot find its hand in front of its face, but they are perfectly capable of finding a snake in a hard drive. They also nailed my mother with too much water to take on the plane. She could overhydrate.

• Yeah, we're not all that fond of Google, but occasionally they hit the nail on the head: their phones are updated. They're now working on eliminating junk phone calls, unsolicited or robocalls. Some of the industry solutions not only keep you from being bothered, they actively bother the caller. They keep the phone spammer (human or machine) on the phone so long, it can cut into their profits. This is a uniquely annoying and hilarious bit of revenge.
• Remember, unless you have a previous business relationship, a company may not call you. Robocalling is illegal. Put yourself on the Do Not Call list.

A hacker from a South American country put some files up for sale on the Dark Web. Investigation was done and the files turned out to be important information on IEDs, a Reaper drone, and an Abrams tank. He couldn't sell anything because he didn't know what he had, where to sell it, and how to price it.

The takeaway here is that if you work on a military base and your computer is hooked to the net, change the default user login/password from ADMIN/PASSWORD to something else. Anything else. You blithering idiot. The captain had just completed a cybersecurity class.

The people at the very top don't. The people in the middle can't, even with classes. The Great Unwashed has no clue whatsoever and just doesn't care. This is why we have a cybersecurity problem. This and really crappy devices from manufacturers that don't care.

• My sweet elderly neighbor likes to sit in her yard and soak in the atmosphere. One of her talents is the ability to do this while completely ignoring our atmosphere. I can tell when she's out because there's a bright red Hawaiian chair she sits in. Today I noticed she changed the Hawaiian cover to a blue one. This woman changes her outdoor chair cover. I can barely change my clothes.
• She is the one who fed Marshall all these years. She'd lob hot dogs at him. When he couldn't see her, he'd WOOF and she'd come out. We had to explain to him that it didn't work at 2am.

Marshall's ashes are ready. He'll be coming home soon. 
He will sit in the living room, where he can keep an eye on us.
It still hurts in ways I can't describe. 

Because I made the mistake of registering for a seminar, I've been receiving no end of spam. Since it's major company spam, I look for the opt-out link, even though I never opted in. Good, I think to myself... the end of these emails. And then they send me an email to confirm I won't get more email.  Is it just me?

• Another in the increasing spate of unbelievably annoying commercials: "I drink Diet Coke. It's super good."  Super good? Whatever the ad agency was on, please keep it away from the rest of humanity.

Among the many people I don't like is Jeff Goldblum. It was almost instant. Everything worked out really well because he's a movie star, so unless I went to a movie, I was unlikely to be annoyed by him.  In a bid to outwit and frustrate me more, he's doing tv commercials. Some stars do it for the money... not Jeff. No, Jeff's doing it to annoy me. He doesn't need the money. Smug bastard.

• I'm getting a lot of traffic from Russia. I hope they're not using ThermionicEmissions to influence the next election.
• Sorry about that.
• Welcome, people from Russia. You probably got here by mistake.

We're at the 61st anniversary of the crash at Roswell. The city is jammed with celebration and people from out of state. Sadly, it was announced that this is Stanton Friedman's last hurrah; he is retiring. I don't begrudge him retirement... he's been working on the ufo mystery ever since he was young. He's the grandfather of ufo research; a nuclear physicist who applies scientific principles to the study. Stanton has done unbelievable amounts of research on Roswell. Next time someone tells you it was any of the three things the government took turns blaming, remember there are about 400 witnesses and interviews.

Stanton is about 84 and recently had some heart difficulty. He'll remain a very popular figure in the ufo research field. Godspeed, Mr. Friedman.




According to the History Channel, Thanksgiving didn't go entirely as we learned. The Indians were not invited; they showed up in twice the number as the Pilgrims. There was no turkey; the Indians brought a gift of venison. The Pilgrims would have been in church that day.

History, as they say, is written by the victors and can't be trusted. History is also not set by the History Channel. It has nothing to do with aliens, Giorgio.

I can't reveal my sources but this is how it went down: the Pilgrims invited the Indians. The Indians brought cold cuts and beer. It took quite a while to explain the meaning of 'orgy' to the Indians. So they all smoked peace pipe, got down to (everyone else's) business, then feasted on cold cuts and root beer, with enough fermentation to wipe out most of the guests. Then the time of the Great Napping began. This was actually relayed down the years in Indian history. Since the Indians pass down history in song, we had to decode the meaning of this special song: "Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight. Get down tonight."

Another myth dispelled by Indian lore is the story of the YMCA. There was no Indian in the group, and if there were, he was totally straight.

• I got a text from my cell carrier, saying I was signed up for Program X, and I could go to this url to set my options. It was legit so I went to the site. Some new exciting program that looked a lot like an old boring program was mentioned. It looked halfway ok, then I discovered there was a monthly charge. I was not happy.
• It took about half an hour to locate a correct service number. When I called, the very polite service person told me that I had opted in. No, Dear, I'm not what you'd call an opter-inner. She told me to check my texts. I humored her and didn't find a text. She claimed she had the text and apologetically offered to cancel everything.
• So be careful about this. And by all means, go online to your providers page, create or sign into your account, then look for the privacy section. SHUT DOWN all BS about advertising and anything else you don't wish to happen. The carriers assume you opt-in and you have to manually opt out. This happens because they're greedy and have lobbyists with stacks of cash. I was signed up to have my location shared with a third party.

Faceyspaces has been fined $663,000 for failure to protect its users' personal information.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Boy, Zuck is going to feel THAT.

Morally, if not legally, they didn't fail to protect its users' personal information so much as sell it for their own profit.

Pushing (and Licking) the Envelope

I don't know if you were affected by this, but a huge Amazon outage this week rendered large chunks of the internet inaccessible. Without getting ridiculously technical (and because I have no idea what I'm talking about), this Amazon service is The Cloud, or cloud storage. Engineers went to take a small number of billing servers offline and managed to enter an incorrect item, taking down 'a larger set of servers.' In non-technical terms, they screwed up royally and took a shitload of servers down. The downed servers controlled a lot of other servers and pretty soon, there were huge holes all over the internet. To make things that much more interesting, the servers hadn't been rebooted in quite a while, so bringing them up took longer because they had more work to do because there was much more data to count.

Ok, everyone goofs. Sometimes the goof is spectacular in a very public way, like this one. I had a coworker who discovered he could remotely reboot people's computers, largely by remotely rebooting people's computers. We had to take his toy away when people started complaining. That aside, this incident underscores  the fact that a lot of required planning and safety checks were flushed down the old British loo.

People get all excited about The Cloud. The salespeople from Amazon come in and promise you the Moon, stars, and the internet. Life on this very planet will benefit greatly from their cloud services. The uptime of their systems is guaranteed to be in the ridiculously high 99th percentile. And now someone makes a mistake and wipes large amounts of vital and silly services from the internet. Mistake aside, this is a huge failure of Amazon services, which should have all this stuff backed up and paralleled so well that the switchover would be imperceptible.  The fact that it didn't work illustrates what we call Single Point of Failure - where one item failing can take down the entire house of cards. You do not design any important system with a SPOF. This is also a failure of the customers because not only don't they have a Plan B, they trusted Amazon.

• I read the news today, oh boy... about the governor of Maryland declaring a state of emergency. I don't remember flooding or rioting, so I read further. The mayor has declared a state of emergency over heroin and opioid deaths. At least he wasn't grandstanding.

I read one of those Heartwarming Stories the other day. Some lady jogger in Bumfukt was lady jogging when she got all hot and thirsty, having drank the water she brought. A guy pulling into his driveway saw her and offered her some water. She was stunned and gratefully accepted. Every day thereafter, there was a cold water bottle waiting for her outside his house. This went on over a year, during which time they got to chat and meet her husband, both of whom were really surprised and forever grateful. The good samaritan, discovering she was married, killed the husband and kept the jogger in his basement dungeon, eventually killing and eating her. The friendship kept up and the jogger left him presents on holidays. It continues to this day. Don't you just hate this kind of thing?

• The Breach of the Day is brought to you by Coachella. Coachella, the huge (alleged) music festival in southern California, announced that its website had been breached, potentially compromising 950,000 accounts containing the personal details of ticket purchasers and people who registered for online forums. So you can not only be tres trendy at the show, your details can be all over the net and for sale in black market forums. No word on how the breach occurred. Do not reuse passwords. Do not give any personal details - make them up if necessary. Sign up for forums anonymously.

My 7yo nephew asked me for some advice the other day. It seems he's having problems with girls.. they won't leave him alone. Ever the helpful uncle, I asked him what it was like.

• A notorious spam company misconfigured their backups, revealing all sorts of information about how they operate. If you're curious about spam, read the article.

Want a beautiful place to crash in New York City? Bring up Airbnb and for $300-$450 per day, you can get a magnificent apartment in Trump Tower. A woman who has owned the apartment since 1998 is renting it out. The apartment was available since before the election and has garnered five stars on the service, but Airbnb just pulled the listing. Well, this is a bit of an issue, wouldn't you say? Yes, the renter would pass through Secret Service, but...

• Internet of Things fans: that Amazon outage? For three hours, all sorts of websites and services went down, meaning, among other things, that you couldn't control your internet-connected lightbulbs and other devices.

I was watching one of those border patrol shows the other day and they were demonstrating these boffo new infrared cameras. I swear they were using a gaming controller to manipulate it. Video games: the gateway to border patrol and drone-piloting.

• Barbara Streisand says Trump is making her gain weight. This would be less of a problem if she moved to Canada, like she promised, if Trump won the election. Hypocrite.

STATS: In case you care, here's a little information on visits to this blog...

Browsers: Firefox leads the pack, with 55%. Chrome follows, with 31%

Operating Systems: Overwhelmingly Windows, at 73%, followed by Macintosh, at 10%. Linux makes up all of 6%. I should further shoot myself in the foot by disabling access for Mac and Windows users (I cannot do this).

Total Traffic: I am so embarrassed that I don't want to reveal this number. Let's say totals of about 20 visits daily. Please tell your friends. Do not send money.

ThermionicEmissions would especially like to thank the French, who are the second highest viewers, right after the US. I have no idea why but am grateful.

Finally, I'd like to thank the people who come here after visiting porn sites. Not only am I happy they choose to read this blog, they provide new and interesting places to visit when I'm bored.