The Right Nipple Hall of Fame

 

Your love is like  post-shaving pimples

HIM: What would you like to drink?

HER: Mineral water, please.

HIM: Ok, Coke it is.

Today I identify as  a rubber chicken

One of the points of having a computer was for it to take the load, because it works much faster than you.

Well, it's supposed to.

It may be Wednesday, but the computer thinks it's Monday. It is less responsive on Monday than Joe Biden before Naptime. It took minutes to bring up Outlook. Forever to bring up Windows. And when it got close to up, Windows informed me it had to do an update.  It was all very hush-hush. It did allow me to schedule the update, which I found quite nice, and when I did, it told me NO. That's about right. Twenty minutes later, everything was at least up, when it told me it had to restart. Of course it had to restart. Windows' most consistent point is how it drives its users insane with updating, random rebooting, and refusal to act like an operating system. When someone is late for a meeting, they just say "I got Windowsed" and everybody understands. Many coworkers would rather stick their hands into a convenient electrical outlet than use Windows.

I know all about the speed of the internet, but for some reason, I was on Special Dialup Emulation mode. 300 baud.

After several days sick, being quiet and unbothered, I'm now screaming at the computer and Windows. First thing in the morning. I wonder if they should try using Windows instead of smelling salts.

I need to check my email, but there's still another ten minutes before it comes up. And when it comes up, rest assured it will come up FULL SCREEN, regardless of how you closed it, what you do to it, or if you use fresh chickens instead of store-bought ones. I hit the button to take it out of full screen, and it tells me what I think of Outlook anyway: Fails to Respond. I can actually grow my own coffee beans, roast them, grind them, and make all my coffee really fresh. I guess I shouldn't complain.

It got no better.

• When you're young, if you try to pick up a younger person, you're robbing the cradle.
• Jane Seymour is 70+. Today is Nancy Wilson's 68th birthday. Am I robbing the reaper?

After days of being sick, my body was revolting.

Let me rephrase that: my body revolted. It was upset about all that extra sleep I got and decreed that it would get no further sleep. I suspect this whole thing started after I tried getting more than four hours sleep per night.

It's incredibly nice outside again. People are walking around, looking up, waiting for the other shoe to hit them.

There was a shopping trip. The prices go up every time Putin sneezes, because of the gas prices. Still no yogurt.  I don't mean to bitch (yes I do), but that's 50% of my breakfast. Otherwise, if I eat too much fiber, the sewage system breaks and the city has to get involved (again). I had to pay for industrial teflon sewer lines out to the main line. You'd be shocked at how many local ordinances are put in place just because of me. Maybe not.

I keep trying to say I'm glad to be back to work and relative (ab)normalcy, but I'm not feeling it yet. Probably due to my weekly fight with Windows. It likes me only slightly less than I like it. I'm not sure my coworkers are aware I wasn't in or I'm back. They're a good bunch. Like purple grapes with that grotty white fungus growing on them.

Poor Mrs. lefty will need to sleep for a few days, after being on alert to tend to my sickness (physical). I don't like to be waited on, but once a year it's actually nice.

Flying AIDS News 

Fourth shot “is necessary” Pfizer CEO says as experts monitor BA.2

COVID cases are again on the rise globally as testing, health measures decline

Florida health official put on 2-month leave after urging staff to get vaccine

Covid: Why US students are staging walkouts over masks

COVID ups risks of dementia, cognitive impairment, and decline in older survivors

WHO Says It Advised Ukraine To Destroy Pathogens In Health Labs To Prevent Disease Spread

Moderna asking FDA for approval for 4th shot 

• The patchwork groups sharing gender-affirming underwear patterns
• I guess I'm secure enough in my manhood that I don't seek affirmation from my underwear 

Tesla has been quiet lately

Tesla hikes prices on all cars, with cheapest Model 3 now nearing $50K

But it's ok, for the extra money, the car has an even bigger chance of spontaneously exploding and hitting parked cars. For $20k extra, you can purchase the Pedestrian option, where the car will hit pedestrians instead of avoiding them.

Scientists claim hairy black holes explain Hawking paradox

I'll take "What does Niki Minaj have to do with Stephen Hawking?" for $500, Bob. 

• A study finds that the US has lost 57.6 trillion metric tons of soil due to agricultural practices.
• President Taxit has vowed $57.6 trillion to bail out farmers and has formed a task force to locate the missing soil.

There are a few things you simply do not want to hear from your spouse.

Number One: I've been thinking..

Number Two: I just changed pocketbooks and...

because it just means something got left behind, lost, or it will require more pocketbooks.

Campilobacter is NOT a food additive

Superbug-Infected Chicken Is Being Sold All Over the US

• A Fort Lauderdale active-killer training session states "that if you hear gunshots, you should “rapidly run away from the gunfire to seek a position of safety”
• It turns out that city employees were all running toward the gunfire and jumping on grenades.

Snoop Dog on tv?

You look surprised. It's all part of his plan.

To turn into a suburban middle-aged white guy.

Spam used to be so bad it almost killed email. Now the filters are incredible.

Except at work, where we prefer to generate our own. It's almost like they miss spam, so they needed to do something about it.

I hear more about National Whatsit Month than actual important mail from my own team.

• Come to an all-employee meeting about Elephants in Tech.
• Results of the all-employee meeting about Elephants in Tech (with attached Powerpoint presentation)
• [from team] We need to get on this
• Final Day of Elephants in Tech
• Final Thoughts on Elephants in Tech
• It's National Moth Month! Celebrate Moths in History!

So we stand highly educated on Elephants in Tech, and it makes Iqbal, my service elephant, very excited and he feels included. Unfortunately, it makes my real email hard to find and read. Hmm.... I wonder if the company is playing stupid and is trying to drive us away from email. Wow - it's sheer genius! Overload us with bullshit, eventually forcing us to ignore email completely. Wow. Just wow.

Unfortunately, we're not sure where they're pushing us. 

Meet the new boss.....

Dentist broke his patients’ teeth to make millions installing crowns, jury finds

Oh - I thought this was regular dentistry. 

Russian news network RT had its license revoked in the UK and is being thrown off networks worldwide. The really sad part of this is that I used to watch it now and then, long before the invasion, and there was a lot of truth there. One of the tricks in disinformation and misinformation is to leave some truth in. 

How a jetpack design helped create a flying motorbike

This will become fun when the flying cars start fighting with them...

Microsoft, everybody's best friend, will be retiring Internet Exploder 11 in June and replacing it with Edge (Chromium-based). This means Microsoft is seriously dropping its own faulty standard and making a new standard out of a Google product [Dr. Evil rubs his hands together and laughs... evilly].

 

Ubuntu changed its logo.

OHMIGOD - this is the greatest news since the war ended! Any war!

Nah, it's just my personal bugaboo. Style over substance. Some people seem more excited about the new wallpaper look in the new Ubuntu (or whatever) than any actual features. These are probably the same people who complain about ThermionicEmissions' colors blinding you. If you're going to complain, complain about the content. Heaven knows there's a lot to complain about.

I suppose it was inevitable... the Who are on their 43rd Final Tour, The Monkees can't tour, and I just got notice the Village People are touring. This is almost as bad as Robert Plant's man bun. I'm trying to remember an article I read about only one guy being original and the whole thing being his idea anyway. Gay men are still laughing at getting one over on the 'breeders' this time.

yeah, but who was photographing her?