Gorillas Gluing Tweed

Here it is, the day I've been waiting for.
THE SUN!
It's out and as bright as ever.
It is confusing the hell out of me.

It makes me want to do stuff.
I'm full of energy.
I should really clean.
Yup. Clean.
I feel like cleaning.
Like I feel like going outside in the 41 degree sunshine and dancing naked.



It's 2018.
Have you noticed how quickly things get into public domain after they happen? I'm talking politics and Bad Stuff in general.
Notice how long after a scandal breaks, we get the news and frequently the perp. Same with mass shootings (except Las Vegas).
Russian collusion in the election. Russians and Trump. Obama henchmen, entrenched in high positions. Leaking on a massive scale.

[Jay Leno voice]
Hey, what's with these mass shootings, especially in schools.
Before Columbine, it barely happened.
Now it's every few weeks.
Are the kids that mad about homework?

Faceyspaces has fired Cambridge Analytica for harvesting the demographics of 50 million subscribers, without their knowledge, and providing it to the Trump campaign. The cynical (you rang?) would say they were fired because they helped Trump. The slightly less cynical would notice that Faceyspaces said, "If there's anyone violating personal information, it's going to be US."

• In case you missed the news, gay sex robots are on the rise, so to speak, at a brothel in Spain, allowing straight men to experiment with homosexuality. Among other features, the doll has a customizable penis. What is a customizable penis? Can you order colors, sizes, glowing, and monogrammed? Does it go limp and ask for Viagra?
• I don't care what you want to do with/to the doll or what you do at brothels, or what you do at home - it's none of my business. My small question is how straight men experiment with homosexuality. Wouldn't they fail to be straight at that point? Do law-abiding citizens experiment with thievery?
• At the brothel, the dolls are available for rental. In other news, businesses in Spain are hiring maintenance people to clean lifelike dolls at hourly intervals.

Pelosi Watch

To cheers from the masses, Nanci Pelosi announced her retirement in 2016. She decided to stay on to ensure Washington had at least one woman in power. The bar is pretty low, apparently. We used to vote for candidates based upon their lies qualifications. Now we vote for them based upon their plumbing.

Pelosi wanted to let everyone know she's not going anywhere. Some Democrats are running against her because she's politically toxic and they don't want her as  their leader. If I were a democrat, I'd vote for that senile old guy with the coke bottle glasses on the Sopranos. Oh wait, he's already there.

Highlights from Pelosi's speech to female congressional candidates:

They tell me my medicine isn't working, but I say HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS.

We will not stop until California is 99% illegal aliens. Who among us hasn't had a gang bang with Mexicans and their horses - amirite, ladies?

I promise more rocks in salads.

And in closing, I say vote for Trump in 2020!

In a 6 minute video, Nancy has 23 brain glitches while giving a speech at the Office of Strategic Services. She's the perfect candidate to lead both political parties; old, frail, and failing.

Who's more unstable: Pelosi or the people who keep re-electing her?

On the other hand, she's a goldmine of material.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

• best headline of the week: "Inked EVERYTHING at body art convention" Wait - are you trying to tell me that people.. have tattoos... at a tattoo convention? Wow - who could've seen that coming?

On hiatus from packing to leave the country after Trump was elected, Barbara Streisand said she was never sexually harassed and joked it might be because of her looks. Of course I'm kidding. It was her personality.

• In England, a man kicked out of a club took revenge by ramming his Suzuki  into the club. Lives were saved when the Suzuki crashed into the front window of the club and immediately collapsed into a small plastic ball. Police escorted him away but declined to charge him, saying that the way people in the club laughed at his little thing was punishment enough.

Over in Kabul, parents named their child Donald Trump, hoping that he would be as successful as his namesake. This is not going over well for some reason. Some Faceyspaces users have issued death threats, forcing the parents to close their account.  I say anything that causes people to close Faceyspace accounts is a good thing, even death threats.

This poor child has no idea what awaits him as he meets other children. Other youngsters who had a rough childhood are Leslie Neilsen, Marion Morrison (who couldn't take it and eventually changed his name to John Wayne), and Bernie Schwartz, who changed his name to Tony Curtis, to make himself sound less Italian.

• What flavor are white jellybeans?
• speaking of which, I'm a huge fan of Jelly Belly cinnamon and hot cinnamon. It's been a while since I consumed an entire pound of them, so I went to Amazon, where everything's cheaper. A pound of frickin' Jelly Bellys runs $9-12. Sometime in the near future, people will abandon hard currency and bitcoins, trading instead in Jelly Bellys. The government will announce a War on Jelly Bellys. Every airport will contain Jelly Belly detecting dogs and air ionizer testing machines. China will start counterfeiting Jelly Bellys, some better than real ones. TSA agents will be retrained to check all possible hiding places for Jelly Bellys. You will be prohibited from carrying more than 3oz of Jelly Bellys on the plane. Shoe and crotch bombs will no longer be searched for, along with guns. Huge ships and little cigarette boats will be stopped. Illegal aliens will be pushed to the side, as customs agents swarm the boats, in search of the sugary little devils. Women will purchase $1,200 Coach bags, with a small, undetectable pouch for their Jelly Bellys. The underground trade in Jelly Bellys will far surpass all narcotics combined. Children with dead eyes will wander the streets, asking people, "hey man - got any Bellys?" The stock market will have trillions in activity on Belly futures.
• what's that thing between Unfinished Idea and Beating a Dead Horse? Oh yeah - Just Enough. Can somebody explain that to me?

A gorilla at the Philadelphia Zoo has been walking around on two legs when carrying something. Keepers say he doesn't like to get his paws dirty. He even avoids mud.

It's not bad enough that our chemicals are turning frogs gay, growth hormone from cows is getting into our bodies, and there's Prozac in the water... now we have OCD gorillas. When he's not out gathering food, he's washing his paws.

* My mom said that when I was little, I came in and washed my hands every time they got dirty. My wife says I need to get out of the house and get my hands dirty. You cannot please women.

Upside Down World

• A Democratic congressman from Long Island implied that Americans should grab weapons and oppose President Trump by force, if the commander-in-chief doesn’t follow the Constitution.
• Rep. Tom Suozzi made the remark to constituents at a town hall last week, saying that folks opposed to Trump might resort to the “Second Amendment.” This guy essentially threatened a sitting president. Oddly enough, that's one of the things the Second is for.
• This is the party that wants the Second Amendment destroyed. That doesn't want you to have guns. In unrelated news, republicans are urging women to have abortions if democrats don't pass anti-abortion legislation.

The pope condemned prostitution as torture and asked for forgiveness for the men who patronize them.
 -- no word on child molestation.

• The Austin Bomber done blowed himself up, as police got close. It was rather considerate of him. He saved the city a lot of money in court costs
• The police believe he is responsible for all the Austin bombings. This is slightly different than the previous evening, when the explosion at Goodwill was not related to the bombings at all.
• The police accessed the bomber's Google search history and discovered that he was looking up other Austin addresses. This proves the need to use duckduckgo.com, which doesn't track you, plus set your browser to forget everything you do, or browse in private mode.
• President Trump tweeted "AUSTIN BOMBING SUSPECT IT DEAD. Great job by law enforcement and all concerned!"
• Twitter and Reddit exploded with the news that the president tweeted in all caps and condemned him as stupid and a dumb motherfucker.

A woman in Spain died from an allergic reaction to bee stings. While this isn't a rare phenomenon, she died during a live bee acupuncture procedure, where bee stings are used instead of needles. If the procedure hadn't worked, doctors were going to attempt the live elephant trampling procedure, which uses elephants instead of running the patient over with a car.

California's Stupid Backfires

• One day after Orange County, California, supervisors voted to spend more than $70 million to house the homeless, residents in three rich cities expressed alarm about a proposal to set up "camp" shelters in their communities.
• People in the communities are apoplectic. They're crying NIMBY! (not in my back yard).
• Some homeless are currently in hotels. Since we haven't been able to afford a vacation since the Iraq War, we're flying to Orange County next week, and claiming to be homeless. We will demand a nicer hotel, in a better neighborhood. One with a view. Close to the beach.
• To date, California has provided 80% of the country's GDP (Goofy Domestic Product, which measures the ridiculous and humors news).

Axe-throwing is gaining popularity. People are flocking to New Jersey to throw axes. They are going back home at record rates, when they discover that you have to throw the axe at a wood target.

• New York City, in a desperate bid to out-stupid California, has proposed a bill that would disallow smoking while walking. This is the same city that protected people from the scourge of soda by banning containers over 24oz.
• Next week, New York City will solve their burdensome traffic issue by banning cars.

In a desperate bid to out-stupid his entire party, Joe Biden said he would have 'beat the hell out' of Trump in high school. Trump really brings out the humanity in people.

• The bad news: there's a box that unlocks up to date iPhones.
• The really bad news: local police are buying them.
• not that we have much of a Fourth Amendment as it is....

After the Faceyspaces debacle, if you're silly enough to remain connected, here are a few ways to protect the micron of information you have left.

And while we're on the subject, a fellow downloaded the data Faceyspaces has on him. There were two years' worth of phone call metadata from his Android phone, including names, phone numbers and the length of each call made or received. Is this ok with you? This is just the beginning.

• According to Bloomberg, the music business is seeing its fastest growth in more than 20 years.  Don't encourage them.

The Wall Street Journal informs us that the demand for American sperm is skyrocketing in Brazil.  Wealthy single women and lesbian couples are the big buyers.  I've seen quite a few Brazilian women and I'd fly there to donate personally.

• Video of the Las Vegas shooter has emerged. Six months after the tragic event. It doesn't take six months to edit video. Within a few days, the Austin bomber was identified and dead. This pattern repeats, almost unfailingly. 
• I have no idea what anyone's up to, but it doesn't take a seasoned detective to notice something's off. Where there's smoke...

You're No Fun Anymore

The US Navy and Marines are cracking down on nude photo sharing. Yes, this can no longer go on without permission of the person photographed nude. Apparently this regulation makes it more illegal to post nudes, as it was already illegal under "conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman." Kinda like hate speech.

Which brings me to my next thought: do the armed forces only hire gentlemen? What about ladies? Do we want an armed forces that only hires gentlemen - or would it be like Britain, where they apologize for bombing countries? "Oh, terribly sorry... our planes seemed to have dropped bombs on your factories."

No, I don't want gentlemen - I want rude, crude, lewd, and bright fighters.

• When the lovely folks from AntiFa peacefully attacked Trump supporters with violence and bike locks, the Reddit Detective Squad went into action to identify the culprits.  What did they turn up?  Diablo Valley College and SFSU professor Eric Clanton.  From the site: His work in political philosophy also centers on mass incarceration and the prison system. Yes, a college professor assaulted 'the enemy' with heavy metal. I don't remember these classes in college....
• Rioting 101: how to dress. Will this face mask make me look fat? What is the correct shade of black for my skin? Dreads: are they right for me?
• Rioting 201: weapons. Bicycle locks, Hyundais, and small anvils. Demonstration by the Acme Weapons Company.
• Rioting 302: when caught, how to blame Trump for your actions, the weather, and how your free speech has been eroded by being prosecuted for assault. Releasing a statement to the press about how the whole thing has been caused by the White Male Patriarchy.
• Remember, California: all of this would not be possible without your tax dollars!

A 19 year old pair of McDonalds dipping sauces sold for more than 11,500 pounds on Ebay. My calculations put that figure at $47.533 grams but the article specifies $14,700. Believe whichever you choose. Say what you want about the economy, but someone has too much money.

• Berkeley campus on lockdown after loose pages from Wall Street Journal found on park bench.  Ok, this is from The Onion, but it's not far from reality.

In today's Internet of Things news, there is an internet-connected juicer. No, really. It has a brand new feature, in that it doesn't work when the internet is down.

• The local Fox morning show, a favorite target of ThermionicEmissions, features a local kid playing hackeysack. The show is never short of useful information.

In Marshall news, he's headed to the surgeon for his (hopefully) last post-op visit. He gets his Cone of Shame removed, which should make things easier on him and his parents. It didn't take him long to get used to it, by which I mean walking around, smashing into things and knocking other things over, then circling back to do it again.

Now we have this thing I call The Doggie Dance, largely because I can't think of any other names at this moment.  Whenever he wants something, he whines. Unfortunately the same whine can mean "I want to go outside," "I'm hungry", or "I'm thirsty" and you have to try each of them to figure out what he wants.

Dog whines. I walk to door and ask if he wants to go outside. He stares at me and doesn't move. I sit down.

Dog whines. I walk to door and ask if he wants to go outside. Again, he stares at me. Again I sit down.

Dog whines impatiently.  Oh, it must be food. Fill bowl. Dog eats food. I sit down.

Dog whines and walks to door. Apparently he has to do things in a certain order. Doggie OCD? Don't ask me. And I'm not asking the vet, as we've already bought her a Mercedes and sent her entire family on a cruise to the Bahamas.

As I sit back down, Dog Barks and whines like he's being tortured. This means "I'm ready to come back inside."

By the time I'm temporarily sitting again, he's satisfied that he's caused the maximum amount of carnage and grief possible at the hour, he goes upstairs, bashes through the bedroom door, and has a nap on the bed. Who runs this house anyway?

• If you use LinkedIn and updated your iDevice app, you got a little surprise popup that asked you if you wanted to make your data available to nearby Bluetooth users, even when you're not using the app. This was a problem for anyone who watches what pops up, especially as this update was just a fix. LinkedIn, owned by a small firm called Microsoft, apologized immediately and is working on a fix. Because I want my phone to ping random strangers near me so I can talk to their owners of the joys of LinkedIn.

you are welcome to save this but do NOT tell anyone where it came from

Pining for the Fjords

Social Justice Worker alert: Hillary Clinton: "Women have always been the primary victims of war. Women lose their husbands, their fathers, their sons in combat." Yeah, Hill, the men only lose their lives, but no matter....

From the same media cesspool: did you know women suffer from prostate cancer too? They suffer when their partners get it. This idiocy is not going to stop for a long time.

• A 38 year old Polish nightclub owner was practicing his tank driving, as we all do, when he drove it into his own nightclub during a live Facebook stream.  This story highlights the difference between European and American culture: you cannot drive a tank in the US. We will never be truly equal until we can.

The New Oakland, California police chief ordered a shutdown of everyone's cell phone service on SFBART because he thought there was going to be a protest. Digest this... the police can order your cell service shut down on public transportation. Because of an alleged protest.

• The 'Hack the Pentagon' program has gone very well. This is where people are encouraged to find flaws in the Pentagon's computer systems (non-core or critical systems only).  The program turned up over 100 bugs. Just in 'non-ciritical' systems. Dare we guess what's going on with critical systems? Dare we guess why we're hacked?

The Anonymous hacking collective has been going after the Islamic State by replacing content with porn, to shame them. Hopefully they haven't been using goat or child porn, which would only excite them.

• Three women were charged for assaulting McDonald's employee for working too slowly. I'm wondering if the threat of this can be used to get employees to work faster and, more importantly, more accurately. Maybe they can be hired or visit different stores. The mind boggles.

Russian government hackers have been in the DNC network for up to a year. The State Department doesn't have to release emails - the Russians have already threatened to.

• Microsoft has purchased LinkedIn. As if either of them mattered.

With all the crap going on in the world, New York proves there's still a shred of humanity, after three men jumped down from a subway platform to save a man on the tracks. I'm sure there's a lot of this going on but it goes unreported.

• We here at Thermionic are against all forms of gun control. However, some guy adjusted his pants at Zabar's, an upscale Manhattan market, and shot himself. This is the kind of gun control we need. Some might call it Darwinism.

German Justice Minister Haiko Mass says Germany will not recognize polygamous or underage marriages, as practiced by immigrants. Apparently assaulting Germans and throwing gays off buildings are still on the table.

PRO TIP FOR MINORITY GROUPS IN THE PUBLIC EYE: As we know, I'm a libertarian. I haven't seen a ton of others but I have seen some local libertarians and their web pages. With the exception of Gary Johnson and the other guys running for president in our party, we're not a good-looking bunch of folks. I don't mean attractive - I mean the way we dress and act. If you're looking for some attention or to get someone's vote, a very important part of this is making your audience think you're like them. Guys (and girls, if there are any), put on a suit jacket. Sound mainstream normal. Yeah, this is style over substance but you stand a much better chance of being elected if you don't look like a mountain man in a black button-down shirt, who hasn't shaved in a month or three. This is precisely why I'm not out doing libertarian work - I look like a reject from the Aging Rock Star pageant. I'm the idea man, the inside guy. The guy you don't want out scaring potential voters.

Now let me extend this to our brothers and sisters in the LGBT community: Orlando was a national nightmare. The only positive thing that came about thus far is that you have been given a voice on the national stage. While I hope this event can produce something of long term substance, you need to make the most of your current opportunity. You probably don't want your spokesman to be a limp-wristed flamer with a flag painted on his face or a woman who shaved off half her hair and dyed the other half purple, with nose and eyebrow piercings and a suspicious chain going down into the front of her pants. There are gay people everywhere, who dress for business. Put a few of them up front. Again, you want your audience to feel that you're just like them. You're likely to gain a lot more traction this way.

Ymmv, of course.

RIP Ren, 2016