Captivity - Day 78 Not more Furries!

Very proud of myself today. It's Saturday, at least according to my computer, and I've only taken one nap! It started right after I got up early (1pm) and ran til 5:30. This was a pretty successful nap, in that after I got up, I only wanted to go back a little. The sun is shining, the temperature is high, and there is always time for more napping.


The air conditioner was insufficient for the room and old, so we somehow wound up with an indoor unit. Wound Up is how we get most things here. I don't ask for much (and that's exactly what I get), but Mrs lefty has this bizarre way of making things appear. One day there's a box on the front step that nobody heard being delivered. Then the actual delivery (she bakes for the UPS guy). The most wondrous of these is the Appearance Box. I'll walk into a room and there will be a box by the door. Sometimes it's a little envelope, most times it's at least the size of a basketball. Recently, they've been the size of small refrigerators. This are the most alarming kind. Not only are they large; they're heavy, they're probably expensive, and they undoubtedly require me to do something with them. One of the largest was this floor air conditioner. I was happy that it wasn't the weight of a small refrigerator - it was the weight of two small refrigerators. One had to admit - it was shiny, black, and futuristic looking - what everyone wants in air conditioning.

The box sat by the door because it needed to be installed, which, as I said, required me to do something with it. I successfully refused to see it, making it a non-entity and releasing myself from having to do anything with it. One day the bodily threats became so loud and so frightening that I had to get moving. You know me - I don't like moving.

The first problem was getting it up the steps. Neither of us can blink, transport, wiggle our noses, or point the device up the steps. There were 2 hand holes, which I tried out to determine I would have to have 2 more hands to move the device. She appears with a hand truck. It had no motor, thus it wasn't going to work. I got the device on the hand truck, at which point we discovered the box had wheels (oh, joy), so it could slip while on the truck. Then we discovered our steps had lips, so pulling anything over them was much much harder.  Then there was Stuff on the steps. We eventually made it, the crippled lady and the newly-crippled guy. The only positive thing I can say was the dog was not 'helping'.

If I remember correctly, it's a Delonghi, or some other Ferrari-like inversion. The directions were interesting. You know about instructions, right? The worse being Ikea. These had numbers, line drawings of the parts, and brief english instructions. Take part 4 and put it in part 5. That was pretty simple, but you had no idea what it was supposed to look like or which side of part 5 you used. It went on like this for a while. And when I say 'went on like this for a while,' I mean it was an extended visit to Hell, like kissing Nancy Pelosi.  Every step could not be executed by normal humans, experienced installers, or employees of Delonghi.  It was the kind of assembly that makes one think deeply about their potentially incorrect decision to live.  It wasn't broken at all. It's just nothing connected to anything else. Ever screw a large piece of plastic onto a 6" hose that doesn't bend? Ends that don't match other ends. I have to give them credit - it was black and shiny.  After 30 minutes of trying to make one connection, Mrs lefty gave up and located her BRAND NEW EXCELLOTAPE, GUARANTEED TO FIX HOLES IN YOUR OIL TANKER. IN FACT, WE BUILT AN INTERCONTINENTAL BALLISTIC MISSILE out of this and it launched without any leaks! I shook my head.

Before this, the window air conditioner had to come out. To our amusement (?), it didn't want to come out, like a tooth. I had my normal reaction: I WANT THIS THING DEAD - PLEASE VIDEO ME THROWING IT OUT THE WINDOW. She found what hung it up and I removed it. I sing much higher now. Since we did a lot of yelling, Penny got to show off her newest talent, barking like mad when one of us sounds mad. We had to lock her out of the room, which is the worst thing you can do to a cocker. All I had to do was replace the old unit with a small panel, to vent the new unit. It was about 4" tall, so none of this was an issue. Until, of course, we went to connect the hose to the bracket, at which point the bracket fell out of the window.  I am not a very smart person, but I know when I'm done, and I was done (before I started). There were literally 6 steps to get the little bastard going, and only the part about plugging in to the outlet went well. 30 minutes and a soaked shirt later, Mrs lefty had the thing together and cooling the room. I applauded and gave her all credit for her masterful work.  I didn't look, and will let this thing run by magic. I just hope the tape that was used instead of each step holds. Just thinking about it makes me want to nap......


Earlier this week, a woman was arrested for assaulting her husband with a hamburger. I'll spare you the meaty details, but I keep trying to get arrested for assaulting my wife with a sausage.   [I am very sorry for that and promise not to do it again (this week)]



The monsters protesters are out today. I'm a huge fan of the First Amendment, and completely support the protesters and their cause. However, stepping in front of cars is over the line. Then these little bastards step in the street, 3 at a time, til the police show, then back up, then another 3. I think police are handling this wrong. Instead of that, give motorists a soaker or hose, to point at protesters in the street (ONLY). That would clear the streets quickly. I would never suggest replacing the water with gasoline or hot peppers, that's for sure.



Mrs lefty's sister has a wonderful, large, slobbering Boxer, who loves everybody. He will leap on anyone and he's got 100lbs behind him. When she comes to visit, the dog sits quietly by the door. When she arrives, the dog very carefully says hello .... he's aware that she has some physical difficulties and is very gentle with  her. After the welcome, he comes back with the toy she gave him. Dogs are unbelievable.

Captivity - Day 72 Now the shoe's on the wrong hand

It's weird again.
Not only is it warm, it's light. There's not a looter in sight.
I'm like a psychotic poet.

It's so beautiful outside, there must be a tornado on the way.


I feel really bad for releasing this, but I found out the looters' plan for tonight: at 6pm, they will loot the libraries and book stores, where they will hold a sit-in and demand the librarian read books on civil disobedience. To avoid SWAT, they will be socially distanced. So as not to cause too much damage, they will only enter buildings where the doors are unlocked. There will be no incindiery devices and no one will be allowed to smoke. TV coverage will be minimal and Crosby and Stills will play an acoustic set (Nash is undergoing 'treatment' at an undisclosed facility in California). The looters will clean up after themselves and leave donations to the library and small businesses in the area.

Today's most ironic item: in protest of the Floyd protest, Target has closed (at least 3 stores were destroyed).

The National Guard was called out in Philthydelphia and Montgomery County, where a very expensive mall is located. Do the math.  The looting started around noon today. Ever helpful, Idiot Mayor did everything but blame Trump for starting fires himself. He and Idiot Governor went on about social injustice and very little about not destroying and looting. Idiot Governor said they were working on justice, with people of color in positions.  How does this help? Are only people of color qualified for the positions? Or women?

Also, for unknown reasons, I found myself awake at 6am. This only happens for trips to the airport and showers with a friend. This must be a sign. Of what, I'm frightened. This probably means the napping will be good today.

At this hour of the morning, tv is beyond dead skunk. There's religious shows, 30 minute commercials for penis enlargers, exercise equipment with a 60 day guarantee and a 30 day guarantee that you'll never use anyway, game shows from the 1970s, religious shows, and the only thing I can stand, "Beat the Press."

Speaking of shortcuts, if you delete something, especially something important, ctrl-z will bring it back (in most programs). You didn't lose that sentence!  To avoid having to bring back text, set the program to backup frequently or do it manually (witcher hands).


Speaking of bladder leak underwear, there is a commercial for a new line of them. Well, that's nice, at least for the women who suffer from bladder leak. Oddly, there were no men. Regardless, there were models. I would guess that most people are not up for seeing bladder leak underwear commercials, no less one with models.  To put the cherry on top, some of the models are..... a little plus size. I know, I know, they want to show people they come in larger sizes, but isn't there a way to do it without showing a lady of 380lbs+ (450 litres Canadian), dancing around only in their product? Even the plus size women I know do not want to see this. We don't even want to see the 125lb models. The fashion industry lies to us by telling us most women are sizes 4-10. Can't we just believe the lie?


It's very early in the morning and gravity is up before I am. Either gravity or assault. While making coffee, a very large and very sharp knife launched itself at my foot. Great - add Mrs lefty and there are 2 things trying to kill me in the house.  Didja notice that I never type about great sums of money or expensive, old, left handed guitars arriving?

Captivity - Day 65 Susie-don't put that in your mouth

What's the best way to tear a paper towel diagonally?
Tear it on the pre-perforated straight line.


Something's up... I found myself awake at 10:30 (that's a.m. for anybody still reading). I think the best way to deal with this is to take a nap. I've been told I snore like a Saturn rocket: I don't hear it at all. Occasionally I give her a break and nap on the couch (it's easier than typing 'she told me to sleep on the couch').


What's the best way for a normal couple to discover they need to use the bathroom NOW?  That's easy - break the toilet.  Well, we didn't break it so much as it stopped working. There are exactly 2 people in the house plus one dog. The dog has it taken care of, but I suspect I'd upset the neighbors even more if we followed her example. The bipedal denizens of said house have the plumbing aptitude of Idiot Governor. This is, as they say, NFG.

We threw stuff at it. Everything the internet told us, although I suspect we came upon a few joke pages (M-80, C-4, lasagna, baking soda) and I can affirm that throwing lasagna and baking powder at a toilet is a bit of a failure. Especially if you miss the toilet. Then we tried putting the stuff IN the toilet. We were triumphant in our success, although the toilet remained broken. I remember my school days, when explosives always had an effect on plumbing, but felt it was the wrong effect. I had just gotten done reading an article about plumbers charging $400 to take phone calls over the weekend, and we were short of lasagna. We called Cousin Luigi and asked if rigatoni was an accurate substitute for lasagna. He said no, because it took much longer to cook.

We were starting to get upset. Well, she was. When something bad happens, I surf harder. It makes the house a lot more quiet.

To make a long story longer, like magic, the toilet was functional this morning. And there was not so much as one Saturn V missile missing from my stash (the NSA is going to have a blast with trigger words on this blog today).


Speaking of giraffes, I was forced to do that thing that I hate most in life: mow. It's not so much forced as Mrs lefty goes out to do it, interrupting my 2nd nap of the day, and I can't rightly let her do it. I'd set fire to anything green but I'm told that's not legal, even on one's own property. Last year we hired the neighbor kids at a ridiculous rate, to mow. It was a pleasure, no matter how much they want. All of the sudden, this year, they have to study. What child has ever said they don't want money - they have to study? Maybe they don't like grass either. At least they get paid to not like grass - I get paid to grow it.

Mrs lefty takes the mower out and I give up. She wants to mow with the mower and a cane. There goes my 2nd nap. I growl and notice the crazy lady's front area is full of stones without a single blade of grass. I loudly told Wife that someone was going to mow the grass that wasn't me, or the area will be like the crazy lady's.  Or the crazy lady will call the police again because the grass is 1" over the 36" limit. "But we were social distancing from our grass, Officer."


According to the news, New Jersey is opening Tuesday. I guess their Idiot Mayor used the state protocol too (threw darts at a calendar). The hotels and motels are closed, so that should put a sunny sheen on everybody's plans. Pennsylvania lobbied to keep New Jersey closed for the foreseeable future, but that's still in negotiations. Can you imagine being 230 feet in the air on a ferris wheel that is stopped every car to check if everybody has masks and is social distancing? Have I mentioned my terror of heights? I may have to test the bathroom. Again.

According to phone calls, Idiot Governor hath decreed that there will be no in-restaurant service until he turns pink. There is actually a suit against Idiot Governor - I have to sign and contribute. Impeach Wolf! I didn't vote for the idiot. Put the libertarians into office and this crap won't happen.

Captivity - Day 64 Jimmy - stop spray painting the plane

Thank God people are willing to break these draconian laws; women can now get manicures! One lady had to wait two months.

Hey - hand sanitizer people: left in a hot car, it burst into flames.
You're just screwed no matter what you do.


The weather forecast is rains, storms; equivalent to green here. 107% humidity.


Idiot Mayor stops free parking because it must no longer be essential.

All Philthy counties anticipated to go to yellow phase by June 5, according to Idiot Governor.  Idiot Governor put on spaceship by entire population of Pennsylvania.

Christmas will soon arrive for the city, as Idiot Mayor authorizes speed and red light cameras to begin operating June 1.


Here we are, at the beginning of the 3 day Memorial Day vacation. It's hot, ridiculously humid. What to do? A phone is ringing but I can't find it. That's ok, who wants to talk to anyone anyway? If they want to talk to me, they can read this blog. The house line is probably the one ringing, but that can't be answered. No one ever knows where the handset went. One day it discharged and we couldn't find it for 6 months. Nobody noticed. Now it's lost on a daily basis. I expect to find it in the back yard at some point, perhaps by the dog.



We're are doing battle with a toilet.
It's winning.


I'm happy to note that the first day of the weekend went smoothly, with only 2 naps. The first one was an hour, the second, the rest of the day.