Nissan Used to be Datsun, Said the Attack Cane

 Your love is like the endless droning on and on about Oprah interviewing ex-royals

lefty Escapes 

That's a bit of a misnomer - it should read lefty Dragged Outside.

Because I'm a good child, it only took 2 hours of arguing to get me into the car to pick Mom up. She needed stuff, so we were taking her out. 

Taking Mom shopping is a task that can send the most steadfastly sane people leaping off anything taller than two stories. Mrs. lefty manages to do this by herself, which qualifies her for a cape. In some sort of very strange math, adding another person makes things more difficult. Mom's declining a bit, so we have to keep a more careful eye on her [see Dementia page]. It was decided we were visiting a local store whose name rhymes with Arget. You can get pretty much get what you want at Arget, right?

Let me tell you how terrified of the Flying AIDS people are. The Arget parking lot was more full than at Christmas. Everybody had their masks on and were shopping as if their lives depended on it. As the pandemic proved, no matter what happens, shopping will happen. 

Shopping with Mrs. lefty is somewhat similar to shopping with a small busload of first graders: I need a drink. I need to go to the bathroom. I'm hungry. Are we there yet? I wanna go home. I miss the doggie. I need a cigarette. WARNING: this bus stops every 10 feet.

Hey, this place has hot beverages - let's get one. Mrs. lefty is a smart woman, and suggested we wait til after shopping because we'd have to keep moving our masks. I $*#&ing hate masks. This is why I don't go shopping anymore. No, I'm not having a straw hole installed in my mask. Has anyone seen any studies on people dying with masks on? Asphyxiation - lack of oxygen. People work with these things on - do they breathe through their ears? It's like breathing through your nipples and putting a bra on.

Mom needed 2 items, so I knew this was going to be a long trip. Mrs. lefty kept asking if she could just look at this... and that... and this... and that. Mom and I already have the patience of a hallucinating meth addict, so I knew things were going to get 'interesting.'  I tried. I honestly tried. It was for Mom. I had to keep guiding her along because her daughter-in-law tended to rocket all over the place, barely out of sight. 

After we had seen most of the store, we suddenly arrived at Mom's stop. NOBODY TOLD ME SHE NEEDED UNDERWEAR. Thank God Mrs. lefty was there: they communicate well. In fact, the goofier one of them gets, the better the other communicates with them. I refuse to do that math. There is one display rack of socks, about 10' wide. You can have any socks you want, so long as they're nuclear pink and don't come up to your ankles. I don't want to exaggerate - they also had nuclear green and a few shades of plaid I've never seen before in my life. I just can't see a woman of dementia age wearing nuclear pink socks, unless she asked for them. We are in a huge department store with 2 floors, and we CANNOT GET SOCKS AT ARGET. 

Next up was underwear. Mrs. lefty went right to work and I went right to hide. Mom just kinda stood there. Mrs. lefty would hold up a package and Mom would look at them and find something wrong. This wasn't helped by the size conundrum. Mom said she wears Medium. Naturally there is not a single package labeled medium - just numbers. If this were just Mom and me, I would have run screaming from the building. Who am I kidding - if it were just Mom and me, I'd wait for my wife to be available. I'd have to get an employee to accompany us everywhere we went, to explain things like Medium to Numbers. They obviously know men won't be shopping in this aisle. It's like them damn Europeans, with their size 44 shoes and size zero underwear. Don't like our sizing scheme? We'll just think up another. Nothing means anything except the price tag.

This entire operation was fraught with terror. I actually heard the phrase, "These are the ones you get at Victoria's." I wanted to hide. Anywhere. Perhaps the tools section. There is no Granny Panties section. This operation took about 30 minutes. While this was going on, the same lady passed 3 times. I was beginning to think something was up but she was only talking to Mrs. lefty. Good thing - I prefer my women under 300lbs and without a shaved head. Speaking of which, when Mrs. lefty went to the restroom, some lady asked to touch her boots. She said she wasn't a loonie, but I'm still not sure.

Then Mrs. lefty went to the Clearance Rack. In case you haven't seen a Clearance Rack, this is where there are hundreds of items on racks. You pick one up, then throw it on the floor. During the holidays, their teeth grow sharp and pointy, and they foam at the mouth. I don't claim to understand it, I'm just telling you how it works. 

After a few hours, I could stand it no more. Dinner negotiations started. Mom wanted a place I have been to too frequently. The waitress was waaay too chipper. Chipper waitresses bring out my inner executioner. I got my Coke in record time and then it hit me: I ordered a Coke and she brought me a PEPSI. This is heresy. Unacceptable. Even chipper waitresses should know one does not equal the other. Diners should not have to ask if they're getting what they ordered. There are 37 cases in the US of servers being murdered for bringing people Pepsi. The last time I ordered a Mt. Dew and the lady looked at me like I had 3 heads (instead of the usual 2). Well, Mt Dew is a Pepsi product and they had it last time. Other diners get injured when plates go whizzing by their heads and some walk out with forks in their eyes. They observed social distancing, so every other booth wasn't occupied. But since there were a few rows, everybody was 2' from everybody else. Then when you paid, an incredibly surly cash person reminded you to put on your mask. This was the kind of lady who could make 'Good morning' sound threatening. She probably owned the place to be that nasty. I was going to suggest perhaps dealing with the public wasn't for her, but I was dragged out before the words left my mouth. Never mind Mom, babysitting me is a full time job. Just lift up one side of your mouth, lady, in a sad approximation of a smile. They had to bring out a human being to smooth things over

Cashier: that'll be 50 dollars. Sigh.

Human: we'd like to give you a coupon

Cashier: DON'T STAND THERE.

Human: and a discount on your meal

Cashier: I said FIFTY DOLLARS.

Human: anything you order to take home is half price

Every other employee made you feel like they were happy you were there. Perhaps your function is to keep lines down because people were fleeing your area. They were afraid you'd slash their tires from behind the counter. If this lady has a husband, he's probably 3' tall, with a vocabulary consisting of 2 words: Yes, Dear. If he killed himself, it wasn't suicide - it would be ruled a mercy killing. They keep water in ice cube trays near her and it freezes, saving on freezer cost. In the summer, when it hits 94 with 90% humidity, her area is always cold, even when the air conditioning breaks. Her house didn't need air conditioning, but her husband slept with a parka on. A parka and chain mail armor, in case she got madder in her sleep.

You wanna know why I don't go out? It only looks like agoraphobia. It's not me - it's the stupid people I come across. I know this is going to happen again next weekend: I have plans. Anvil sharpening, quality time with my service elephant, Iqbal, pulling dog hair out of the vacuum, pulling nose hair, making sure the dog doesn't feel abandoned, reading my Space Force manual, finally going after those dratted ear hairs (I can feel them growing during the week, out of spite), and a whole bunch of stuff I can't do during the week. Who am I kidding - it's all napping.

By 8:00 I was so frustrated and tired I almost fell asleep sitting up. The only thing that kept me from falling over was the thought of that cashier with flames coming out of her mouth, setting me on fire and burning down the house. 

"He died with a mask on"

Today I identify as  vanilla pudding

• the cop who allegedly killed George Floyd is about to go on trial. What are the odds of him getting a fair trail? I'm not taking sides - this is a legal question.
• what are the 2 sides looking for in defendants? is there a place on Earth to get a fair trial? will the defense bring up drug use? will the cop be safe anywhere, regardless of outcome? will there be riots? will the judge be naked under his/her robes?

I got to watch my car's Idiot Detector go off the other night. That's the radar detector thing that tells you, when your rearview camera is on, that some idiot is crossing your path. I suspect it needs to be tuned a bit... it also detects 787s and A380s.

• two of David Bowie's Spiders from Mars are still alive 
• that is all

And what do you want as your epitaph? What do you want anyone who walks by it to read? Are you neurotic? Do you lay awake nights, worrying about this? I haven't come up with one yet. It doesn't keep me awake. In fact, nothing keeps me awake. I used to jump up when a shadow crossed the room, but I had to develop the ability to sleep through tanks moving up the street because Mrs. lefty jumps in and out of the bed at least 3 times a night. On her good nights. Her therapist said she has the 'mother of all sleep disorders.' She can take enough sleep meds to knock out the entire Space Force, then sit up and watch tv.

How do you want to be known? It really doesn't matter, as only your relatives and friends (maybe) will see it. I guess if you can bring a smile to their faces, it's worth the custom engraving. 

• He was left handed and expected the right handed world to bend to him
• Played guitar. Bought too many. They're doing him no good now. Mom was right
• He entertained people (hopefully)
• His phone said "I'm charged" when it got done charging
• He had a blog....
• He didn't come to see you - why are you coming to see him?
• He stayed in a lot. Now it's permanent.
• Moves stuff around your house when you're not looking
• Still holding off going to the dentist
• Microsoft still sucks
• Never got done annoying people
• Watch your foot - he can push this thing over
• Married once - to many people, none of whom wanted to be buried next to him

The CDC had a busy weekend, in which they decided, probably by coin toss:

• fully vaccinated Americans can safely visit unvaccinated family
• ...can socialize together without masks
• ...should visit Dr Fauci

President Biden is thinking on how the US should retaliate against China and Russia for the electronic incursions. Clandestine actions as well as sanctions are expected. I have to give the president his due: there's no way he could have come up with this so quickly. Somebody else in the administration came up with this. Perhaps they asked Dick Cheney. Just kidding, old Dick would have given Halliburton a $3 billion contract to build arms that wouldn't work without another $5 billion (each).  When asked about electronic incursions, Biden mentioned the rug in the Oval Office.

• I know you were waiting for it: Pepe LePew has been canceled. His bit in Space Jam has be excised for promoting 'rape culture.'
• We had no bicycle helmets growing up, but we did have Dr. Seuss and Pepe LePew. Also violent cartoons. It's amazing we made it to adulthood without becoming violent rapists with crashed-in skulls.

Astronomers have discovered the most distant radio signals yet, which voyaged more than 13 billion light years across the universe before they were captured by multiple observatories here on Earth.  The signal read "Send more Oprah Megan Harry."

We do not expect to send a response.

• Happy Birthday to Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees
• all of my heroes are well past Medicare age. I don't know what to do with that yet

This is too cool - a sea slug's detached head can crawl around and grow a whole new body. I suspect certain members of Congress can too.

• If it's all the same to you, we'd prefer birds remain on the outside of the house, thank you. We are not starting a bird sanctuary indoors, they're not much of a snack, they make the dog bark, and the trophy wall is full. 

It's 2021 and within the next few years, everyone will have a talk show. Live from the "How Is This Still On" department, we have Drew Barrymore and Kelly Clarkson. They should be required to open the shows with train wrecks because the rest of the show certainly is. Either the ladies are medicated, the audience is medicated, or both should be. 

The presidents dogs have been removed from the White House over signs of aggression. I think they should stay there. It will send a message to everyone, plus the dogs won't be taken away from their people.

• 'Women suffer concussion too,' says former rugby player
• of course they do - now the question is why bother to continue activities that are likely to provide concussions and traumatic brain injuries?

Unilever drops work 'normal' from beauty products

Its boss said it wanted to create a "more inclusive definition of beauty".

Dove's owner said the editing ban would apply to "body shape, size, proportion and skin colour" and "normal" would be removed from 200 products.

You can drop as many words as you want, but fat isn't normal, no matter how many times you say it is. People who get their heads bashed in also aren't normal. They may be beautiful inside, but that's not what you're selling. SJW crusading virtue-signaling.

• WINNING: a Windows Blue Screen of Death t-shirt. At $13.95, I'm buying a few, plus one for the dog.

This is the Next One

Russian election interference in the upcoming election is getting out of hand. They are having so much trouble getting past security that they applied for 5,000 absentee ballots.


Dear lefty

• Have you given much thought to your epitaph?
• I was thinking of "She finally got me." 

Your love is like week old raw fish, left on the back porch

• North Korean Modest Leader for Life, Kim Jong Illin, apologized for the accidental killing of a South Korean officer, who was accidentally shot then accidentally set on fire, on the way back to South Korea.

I just saw this bumper sticker.... "See you soon - Jesus"
That's creepy.

Is He watching us, like the NSA? Will He be stopping by, after this many years?
Or is the bumper sticker supposed to distract us so much that we'll crash and die? Sneaky, Big J....

• Hey, if you're a resident of Lake Jackson, Texas, you might want to buy bottled water. Tap water would be safe to drink, if it weren't for the brain-eating microbe, Naegleria fowleri. Boil before drinking, don't let shower water get up your nose.
• The CDC says people cannot get infected by swallowing contaminated water, and it cannot be passed from person to person. They stopped short of a mask mandate.

NYC Virus Spike Continues in Jewish Areas of Brooklyn, QueensThe Anti-Defamation League is looking into this, claims virus is antisemitic.

• United Air received $5 billion in the first bailout.
• The giveaway totaled $25 billion across the industry.
• You will pay this back.
• Small businesses have gone under
• Congress is contemplating more

The only better way to watch sports on tv is with the tv off. I'm watching it with the sound off, occasionally glancing over the top of the laptop while typing. This is really strange behavior, because I don't like sports. It's movement and shiny things that distract me. Each time I see movement, I look up, realize it's sports, then look back down. Over and over again, like Homer Simpson and a wooden donut.

I gather it's a soccer football game, as the guy in front of the walk-in net is dressed like Kermit the Frog, in head to toe green. Naturally at the beginning, one of them was on his knee for Black Lives Matter. He got up and kicked the ball at his teammate, who was swanning for child abuse (on his front, arms out, head up). This was the first injury of the game. The next injury was when a member of the other team tripped someone who was doing ballet for women's equality causes. The first goal sailed right past the goalie, who was sitting down, reading the paper, to symbolize all the black children who can't read the paper. The next kickoff bounced right off the crotch of the player standing on his head, against online bullying. Tragedy struck, when the entire team piled on a guy who was holding his ears out and waggling his tongue to call attention to the rainforest. Two players were injured while passing the other goalie, who set himself on fire to protest the California wildfires. At the end of the game, there was only one player, who blew himself up in protest of no asian or caucasian players on the field at any time during the game. Just kidding. He went through a pane of glass, to symbolize the plight of peaceful demonstrators encountering businesses.

During the break, Joe Biden promised a mask mandate and to call out the National Guard and Army to enforce it across the country. He also said to get the navy, marines, and air force on alert, as they would be enforcing the mask mandate in 27 countries where we're not already enforcing something. Finally, Joe promises not to raise taxes (Congress will take care of that).

• Who says we all can't get along? The leader of a nazi terror group was paid to work with the US Special Forces on targeting and counterterrorism.

Joe was my buddy in school. He had a lot of luck with the ladies, but it was more skill than luck. I had no luck, no skill, and no ladies. Being a friend, Joe would try to hook me up with girls he felt would be a good match (I hesitate to call them his rejects). They all seemed to have something.... uhhhh... different about them. One small thing that just wrecked an otherwise nice package. You know.. shaved head, prison tattoo, better facial hair than me, claims of Tourette's Syndrome, which just meant they liked to curse out loud, frequently. I appreciated Joe's efforts (right up until I met them) because he really tried, and really laughed after he failed. And he failed every time.

Finally Joe came up with a 'can't miss'... I tried to trip him up on every description of Miss New Jersey:

She has a great personality.  One?
She has a killer body. Who has she killed?
She's very witty. Compared to which kindergarten class?
She's warm. Do I have to hurry before she gets cold?
She has big hair.  Does it come off at night?
She has a great job! Will she get promoted from pumping gas and be allowed to work the donut counter inside?
She has very kissable lips.  Under her mustache?
Nice legs.  Like Serena Williams? They'll crack your head like a walnut.
She has a college degree. I have 64 rolls of toilet paper- I can cover more area.
She likes men. Great improvement over the last one, who WAS a man.
She has nice boobs.  How much did they cost?
She has a great smile. Any teeth?

They say the way to figure out how a woman is going to look in the future is to look at her mother.  I asked Joe if her mother also looks like Godzilla.  GOTCHA!

Happys

George Lynch - Dokken, solo

Randy Bachman - Bachman Turner Overdrive

Meat Loaf - Meat Loaf
Tiran Porter - bass, Doobie Brothers

Bye Byes 

John Henry Bonham - Led Zeppelin's drummer extreme
Miles Davis
Robert Palmer - "Addicted to Love"

SJW Results?

I was with some cousins the other day, including one whose gender was probably several places on the spectrum at once. I don't care who you are or what you do, but I have a terrible feeling I know where all this is going.. Little Johnny is going to have to turn in his report and speak to the class about it. The teacher will have to prod him strongly to stand in front of the class. In a nightmare that will keep recurring his entire life, Little Johnny will have to stand in front of the class, with all his clothes on, and admit he's a heterosexual. The laughing will hurt the most. The booing will be pretty bad too. The chants of 

'Filthy Straight' will be over the top.

Johnny came home crying from school every day because the kids wouldn't leave him alone. His parents loved him for what he was, but understood how hard it is growing up different. They suggested maybe he should try taking it up the butt - he might like it. That might make him one of the popular kids. Johnny wouldn't hear of it. They suggested he dress in his mom's clothes. Again, he refused. They said maybe he could try identifying as male on odd days and female on even days. Little Johnny just said, "I am what I am." They supported him, whatever his decision, knowing that they would always be the parents of the hetero child. When they went to social events, the other parents would ask what they did to Johnny to make him hetero. They'd get mad and inform everyone that this is the way he was wired; it wasn't a choice or the way he was raised.  So Johnny had to live with the stigma of being heterosexual, even after it became ok. Eventually he found a heterosexual girl, they got married, and had some kids. Secretly, he hoped the kids weren't hetero too. He just didn't want them to go through what he went through....