This is the Next One

Russian election interference in the upcoming election is getting out of hand. They are having so much trouble getting past security that they applied for 5,000 absentee ballots.


Dear lefty

• Have you given much thought to your epitaph?
• I was thinking of "She finally got me." 

Your love is like week old raw fish, left on the back porch

• North Korean Modest Leader for Life, Kim Jong Illin, apologized for the accidental killing of a South Korean officer, who was accidentally shot then accidentally set on fire, on the way back to South Korea.

I just saw this bumper sticker.... "See you soon - Jesus"
That's creepy.

Is He watching us, like the NSA? Will He be stopping by, after this many years?
Or is the bumper sticker supposed to distract us so much that we'll crash and die? Sneaky, Big J....

• Hey, if you're a resident of Lake Jackson, Texas, you might want to buy bottled water. Tap water would be safe to drink, if it weren't for the brain-eating microbe, Naegleria fowleri. Boil before drinking, don't let shower water get up your nose.
• The CDC says people cannot get infected by swallowing contaminated water, and it cannot be passed from person to person. They stopped short of a mask mandate.

NYC Virus Spike Continues in Jewish Areas of Brooklyn, QueensThe Anti-Defamation League is looking into this, claims virus is antisemitic.

• United Air received $5 billion in the first bailout.
• The giveaway totaled $25 billion across the industry.
• You will pay this back.
• Small businesses have gone under
• Congress is contemplating more

The only better way to watch sports on tv is with the tv off. I'm watching it with the sound off, occasionally glancing over the top of the laptop while typing. This is really strange behavior, because I don't like sports. It's movement and shiny things that distract me. Each time I see movement, I look up, realize it's sports, then look back down. Over and over again, like Homer Simpson and a wooden donut.

I gather it's a soccer football game, as the guy in front of the walk-in net is dressed like Kermit the Frog, in head to toe green. Naturally at the beginning, one of them was on his knee for Black Lives Matter. He got up and kicked the ball at his teammate, who was swanning for child abuse (on his front, arms out, head up). This was the first injury of the game. The next injury was when a member of the other team tripped someone who was doing ballet for women's equality causes. The first goal sailed right past the goalie, who was sitting down, reading the paper, to symbolize all the black children who can't read the paper. The next kickoff bounced right off the crotch of the player standing on his head, against online bullying. Tragedy struck, when the entire team piled on a guy who was holding his ears out and waggling his tongue to call attention to the rainforest. Two players were injured while passing the other goalie, who set himself on fire to protest the California wildfires. At the end of the game, there was only one player, who blew himself up in protest of no asian or caucasian players on the field at any time during the game. Just kidding. He went through a pane of glass, to symbolize the plight of peaceful demonstrators encountering businesses.

During the break, Joe Biden promised a mask mandate and to call out the National Guard and Army to enforce it across the country. He also said to get the navy, marines, and air force on alert, as they would be enforcing the mask mandate in 27 countries where we're not already enforcing something. Finally, Joe promises not to raise taxes (Congress will take care of that).

• Who says we all can't get along? The leader of a nazi terror group was paid to work with the US Special Forces on targeting and counterterrorism.

Joe was my buddy in school. He had a lot of luck with the ladies, but it was more skill than luck. I had no luck, no skill, and no ladies. Being a friend, Joe would try to hook me up with girls he felt would be a good match (I hesitate to call them his rejects). They all seemed to have something.... uhhhh... different about them. One small thing that just wrecked an otherwise nice package. You know.. shaved head, prison tattoo, better facial hair than me, claims of Tourette's Syndrome, which just meant they liked to curse out loud, frequently. I appreciated Joe's efforts (right up until I met them) because he really tried, and really laughed after he failed. And he failed every time.

Finally Joe came up with a 'can't miss'... I tried to trip him up on every description of Miss New Jersey:

She has a great personality.  One?
She has a killer body. Who has she killed?
She's very witty. Compared to which kindergarten class?
She's warm. Do I have to hurry before she gets cold?
She has big hair.  Does it come off at night?
She has a great job! Will she get promoted from pumping gas and be allowed to work the donut counter inside?
She has very kissable lips.  Under her mustache?
Nice legs.  Like Serena Williams? They'll crack your head like a walnut.
She has a college degree. I have 64 rolls of toilet paper- I can cover more area.
She likes men. Great improvement over the last one, who WAS a man.
She has nice boobs.  How much did they cost?
She has a great smile. Any teeth?

They say the way to figure out how a woman is going to look in the future is to look at her mother.  I asked Joe if her mother also looks like Godzilla.  GOTCHA!

Happys

George Lynch - Dokken, solo

Randy Bachman - Bachman Turner Overdrive

Meat Loaf - Meat Loaf
Tiran Porter - bass, Doobie Brothers

Bye Byes 

John Henry Bonham - Led Zeppelin's drummer extreme
Miles Davis
Robert Palmer - "Addicted to Love"

SJW Results?

I was with some cousins the other day, including one whose gender was probably several places on the spectrum at once. I don't care who you are or what you do, but I have a terrible feeling I know where all this is going.. Little Johnny is going to have to turn in his report and speak to the class about it. The teacher will have to prod him strongly to stand in front of the class. In a nightmare that will keep recurring his entire life, Little Johnny will have to stand in front of the class, with all his clothes on, and admit he's a heterosexual. The laughing will hurt the most. The booing will be pretty bad too. The chants of 

'Filthy Straight' will be over the top.

Johnny came home crying from school every day because the kids wouldn't leave him alone. His parents loved him for what he was, but understood how hard it is growing up different. They suggested maybe he should try taking it up the butt - he might like it. That might make him one of the popular kids. Johnny wouldn't hear of it. They suggested he dress in his mom's clothes. Again, he refused. They said maybe he could try identifying as male on odd days and female on even days. Little Johnny just said, "I am what I am." They supported him, whatever his decision, knowing that they would always be the parents of the hetero child. When they went to social events, the other parents would ask what they did to Johnny to make him hetero. They'd get mad and inform everyone that this is the way he was wired; it wasn't a choice or the way he was raised.  So Johnny had to live with the stigma of being heterosexual, even after it became ok. Eventually he found a heterosexual girl, they got married, and had some kids. Secretly, he hoped the kids weren't hetero too. He just didn't want them to go through what he went through....