I can't prove it, but I know my 2 laptops were talking to each other while I was out of earshot.
"Hey Newbie - how's it going?"
Ok. How are you?
Enjoying the rest, but feeling a little unloved.
Whatcha got in mind?
I'm thinking a semi-esoteric, difficult to diagnose problem.
Downright dastardly.
I'm gonna blow out a RAM chip. This makes it look like the display is dead, eventually blinking the Caps Lock and F8 keys alternately, then the Home key, every 2.5 seconds (on Thursdays only).
Wow, you old guys really have it together.
Thanks, Kid. Stick around - you might learn something.
Your love is like a Neil Diamond concert
Dear lefty
- Why do I bother asking you questions?
- because you have a strange desire to be insulted, like those guys who pay women to degrade them. You have it pretty good - I don't charge you for the service.
Russian interference in the upcoming election continues, with Yuri overheard saying, "I like Trump."
- Chelsea Clinton is really lucky.
- because Hillary doesn't eat her own.
Commercials in Review
It's great too see that long-time victims are finally getting their due. All you need to do, if you were molested as a kid, is to decide whether it was the Boy Scouts or the Catholic Church. What would we do without lawyer commercials?
Guys- do you need to pee all the time? Here's a new bit of equipment we can install with a small surgery. It will stick out 6", which could work for or against you.
Do you have mild to moderate psoriasis? Do you know how to spell psoriasis?
Do you tell your friends that you have problems? How many have you told that the problems are mild to moderate? "Hey Marie - I have mild to moderate premature ejaculation." Oops - so much for that date. I have mild to moderate cancer - we're waiting for it to make up its mind. Mild to moderate depression: some days I stare straight ahead, some days I stand on the roof, staring straight ahead. Mild to moderate leg break: it sits at a funny angle on Mondays and Tuesdays. Mild to moderate arm hair fallout. Mild to moderate eyebrow curling. Mild to moderate headache: what you get from reading too much ThermionicEmissions.
Angie Harmon is telling us about Lifelock. Never mind that I know more than she does, I want her to stop by and tell me all about it in person. In detail. With her hair down and Mrs lefty out of town. But I kid - I am 100% faithful to my wife. I can say this with certainty and smugness, because no one else would be foolish enough to sleep with me.
Are you one of the millions who suffer from toe fungus? It could be a warning sign of serious health problems. Or it could be flippin' toe fungus. Either way, I don't want to hear about that shit. Who knew you could get crotch cancer from talcum powder (besides the manufacturer)? The person on the commercial that told you is a doctor and a lawyer. Can you imagine that? Two times the income, but two times the personality holes, 2x the lack of patience, and 2x the arrogance. Now there's a great catch. I'm not a lawyer, but I play one on tv. I'm not a doctor, but I play one on my wife. It's not as fun as you might think: she plays nurse and all we do is argue over patient care. Perhaps if I gave her a raise....
From Lesbians to wrinkled wash in 2 paragraphs
My ex-work wife, the lesbian, finally opened up to me one day. She said, "How can I take you seriously, with your left eyebrow hairs going in different directions at the same time?" I finally figured out it was like my ex-drummer, who commented on my socks not being the same height. These people have OCD, and expect me to suffer for it. Not me, kids. I made things even for the work wife by messing up the hairs on the other eyebrow. As for the drummer, I moved one sock down further, which almost stopped his ability to play. Some would argue that his ability to play was stopped long before he got to the gig, but I don't have the time to go into that right now. While I'm meandering, I missed it, being a guy, and didn't notice til Wife bragged to somebody: she threw out all my socks with stripes around them (a long time ago). It might be related to the abject horror on her face when I showed her some shorts from when I was young. I'm looking for a happy medium... today's shorts are like a skirt, coming past your knees. Old ones were short. Short shorts are back in fashion, fortunately only for women. Unfortunately, only the wrong women will be wearing them. If you need to write BOOTYLICIOUS on your the butt of your pants, you aren't.
In closing, Wife has a problem with clean, wrinkled clothes. She gets (more) unhappy and insists on throwing them back in the wash. Meanwhile, I'm folding the wash and will find out tomorrow what happens when she discovers her clean pillowcase came out wrinkled. I might have to blog from the hospital.
What if the Real World Were Like Pr0n?
I finally did my homework.
You won't be able to hand it in til the teacher is done with her 3 student gangbang.
Your sister's really cute.
You can't have her til I'm done with her
What about your mom?
Mom's sleeping with her too.
Who does your dad sleep with?
The neighbor's teenage nymphomaniac daughter, who suns herself, naked, at our pool every day.
I need some guitar parts, but because of the Flying AIDS, Idiot Governor Newsom said the guitar store is non-essential.
It would be closed anyway.
Why?
They're filming a 56 man bukkake. It's ok - they're all wearing masks. Except one.
I want some Thin Mints.
You can't get them at the store, dummy.
There's a Girl Scout at the door, in a very tight uniform, who said she'll give me anything I want.
Ask for Samoas, please.
Mom, I just saw 2 homosexuals going at it.
Where?
[looks around, confused] In the butt.
- Woman glued up her own vagina in attempt to frame ex-boyfriend for crime
- Expects to run for governor of California
Who died around this day?
Walter Becker - half of Steely Dan
Major Lance - Monkey Time (check out the Tubes' cover)
Birthdays
Freddie King - one of the 3 Kings of the blues (BB, Freddie, Albert)
Al Jardine - Beach Boys
Don Brewer - Grand Funk
Steve Jones - Sex Pistols
Eric Bell - Thin Lizzy
Billy Preston - Beatles, "Nothing from Nothing"
Danny Gatton - world's greatest unknown guitar player
- A South Carolina man was sentenced this week to two years in federal prison for taking government-owned networking equipment and selling it on eBay.
- He was not sentenced for the theft - he was sentenced for being stupid.
SJW Stiction
Star Trek: Discovery is getting a transgender and a non-binary character.
"Star Trek has always made a mission of giving visibility to underrepresented communities," said a producer. The show's co-runner and executive producer Michelle Paradise added: "It believes in showing people that a future without division on the basis of race, gender, gender identity or sexual orientation is entirely within our reach."
Don't miss out on black start-ups, investors told
On Thursday Oregon Governor Kate Brown and Democratic officials condemned the violence that had taken place in Portland, I certainly feel better, now that they've done said something....
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| Having trouble in the club? How bout stun gun shorts... |
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