Your love is like spinal tap soup
What came first - the chicken or the hen?
read very carefully to your children.
Today I identify as some dude with frankincense
ThermionicEmissions would like to wish everyone a Happy Whatever.
Keep the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the holidays, and may you be touched by his noodly appendage.
When planning my vacation days (at the last minute), I somehow managed to be working one day this week. This way I can start things and leave them for coworkers who weren't nice to me during the year. My boss gave me a last minute request, almost like he thought I wasn't nice to him during the year. He is extremely ADD and types what he thinks but not what he means, requiring an explanation for every email. Unfortunately he never told me what he means, so I'm going to get dragged into meetings about something or other, of which I have no knowledge. Just to keep things interesting, the person with whom I must meet was not born in this country and is incredibly difficult to understand. People take sick days rather than meet with him.
Dog got into the holiday spirit by growling at me when I got into bed. She was found as a stray; she probably ran away from an abuser. That said, it's still nice to get into bed without Cujo growling at me, as if I were going to assault her. Speaking of bed, Wife asked me to set an alarm because she had to get up early for something or other. Not only did I set an alarm, I set a double alarm, to make sure she got up. Precisely 10 minutes before the alarm, I woke her up by falling out of bed. This was a very special alarm because I haven't ever fallen out of bed. 10 minutes later, the other alarm went off. It was anticlimactic. No one else fell out of bed. It's dangerous to fall anywhere in the house, because there are no flat surfaces; they're all taken up with Stuff<tm>. Fortunately, the thing I fell on was not sharp or tall, and the trip to the emergency room was short. I have a very interesting black and blue splotch, but I'm disappointed that I can't show anyone, due to its location. "You should see the other guy."
The sun was out yesterday, but the clouds moved in to put a stop to that within minutes. If the clouds didn't respond immediately, they'd lose air cred with the other clouds.
Recently overheard at Thermionic Mansion
Look - I found a left handed banjo!
Ummm.. I have been very nice, very supportive, and followed you everywhere. But a banjo? There has to be a line somewhere, and this is mine.
The Depp/Heard circus threatens to occupy another courtroom near you soon. Or maybe not - it's very difficult to tell with these two. Court TV keeps telling Depp they'll give hundreds of thousands of dollars to his favorite charity if he'll appear in court again. Their ratings went through the roof last time and it would be the greatest Christmas present ever. I remember my favorite part of the trial was watching Depp's legion of fans cheering as he was driven by. Heard got booed. It was either that or watching him doodle naked stick figures of her while she was testifying. I asked for his lawyer as a Christmas present, but Wife's No Dating policy is going to torpedo that wish with immediacy. This tends to happen a lot, for some reason.
Just in case you have too much time on your hands, this keyboard has an actual display under the keys. You can literally watch something burning as you type. Like cocaine, it's an indicator you have too much money.
So what do we want for the holidays?
- I want a pr0n star or very talented escort, but like I said, that will get torpedoed.
- I'll have to go with the usual stuff: late 50s left handed Fender Stratocaster and matching Telecaster. Maybe a nice tweed amp to go with them.
- good health for Mrs. lefty and my readers
- the cessation of war. everywhere. there has never been a better time for peace on Earth
- continuously-functioning laptops, cars, house
I got one of those funny-looking envelopes the other day. It was from Delaware. I don't know about you, but I find letters from entire states disquieting. The idea was that we somehow owed them a dollar for a toll. Apparently Wife had a problem at that toll, so we do indeed own them a dollar. Unfortunately Delaware math is different from math in the rest of the universe, where $1 = $51. There are basketball fees, road fees, feed the babies fees, and a fee called Slush Fund. They piled them on like they were taxing cigarettes. Sure, we're welcome to ask for a court date. We can drive a few hours to get there, only to find out that arguing with an entire state is not productive, fun, or interesting. Screw Delaware.
We fought a ticket locally and won. It cost us exactly the same price as the ticket to prove ourselves innocent. American Justice!
Citizen: Your Honor, we received a $250 ticket for breathing too hard.
Judge: That's ridiculous. Case dismissed. Pay $250 court fees.
I have been critical of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, roughly since it opened. Donna Summer and Tupac are past inductees; do you take my point? Another recent inductee is Dolly Parton. I like Dolly Parton... she seems to be a very nice, genuine person. But not even deaf people would characterize her music as rock and roll. Hmmm... deaf people.... maybe this explain things.
There is a bird in the house. Again.
We have no idea where they come from (eggs).
It's winter; the windows and doors are closed, yet there is a bird.
The total agitation of the situation is ramped up by our great hunting dog, whose solution is barking at it repeatedly. I do not think her ancestors used barking as a hunting method, or she wouldn't be here. I am, naturally, working, making this even funnier. Iqbal, my emotional support elephant, is easily stressed so the barking isn't helping him.
We get several birds per year. Nobody knows why.
There was a stupid old commercial for a window cleaning fluid, where the birds kept crashing into the windows because they were so clean. That happens here too. Perhaps they haven't seen the commercials.
College-educated Americans are now markedly more likely to belong to a church than those without a college education, according to Gallup polling.
Of course they do.... they're praying they can pay off their loans
Speaking of Iqbal, he always gets homesick at this time of year. There are African and Indian elephants. Iqbal is from Saturn. Speaking of Saturn, Science is extremely excited because one of Saturn's moons was found to have one of the chemical building blocks for life.... I think it was chlorine. Big deal, I say... my friend's pool has a ton of chlorine, and very little life. Back on Saturn's moon, you can view the news as very good or very bad. It could mean that in 4 million years, Saturn will invade Earth (if we don't invade Saturn first). And you know, when they start their invasion, social media will be alight with Saturn supporters, calling everyone else Saturnists, and taking donations so the people from Saturn can make us their slaves. You can point out that they blasted half your family with their ray guns, but the SJWs (Saturn Justice Warriors) will hear nothing of it, blaming it completely on you. Earth will finally be saved when the Saturnians discover Faceyspaces and Americans Idle. We cut a deal with them, offering to beam all of this garbage directly to Saturn, so they won't miss a thing. Iqbal cries at the futility of it all.
Enjoying another day of Forced Vacation, I was dragged out of bed at the ridiculous hour of 11:00, to go out to breakfast. Mrs. lefty promised her people they could go out. I'm not sure how I got involved in this, but sometimes you 'go along to get along.' Looking around in the tiny diner, I started to get the heebie jeebies. Everybody was old. Is this what someone's idea of retirement is? Sure as hell ain't mine.
At dinner with my BFF, he asked if I'd ever considered retirement. Errr.... no: I'm nowhere near that age, and will have to work til I'm 89 to pay off the mortgage. He concurred, but added that he thought about it. He realized that he could then be home all the time, with his wife... then decided he would be working til the meat wagon hauled his corpse out from behind his desk. I figured the only difference between us is that I like my wife, and they'll haul my body off the couch. Depending on the amount of time I've been deceased, they may have to haul the couch too.
President: I want everybody in here, on the double!
Chief: Yes, sir, what can we do for you?
President: You see that tree out front? The one with the lights all over it?
Chief: Yes, sir.
President: I want it gone.
Chief: But sir, that's the White House Christmas tree
President: I don't care what it is - it's blocking my view of that really hot chick outside the bar across the street.
Chief: Sir, the Secret Service investigated this last month. It's a cardboard cutout of Christie Brinkley, from one of the Vacation movies.
President: Are you telling me she's not hot?
Chief: She's very hot, sir, but she's made out of cardboard.
President: Like Kamala?
Chief: We wish, sir.
President: Look, I don't want to be bothered by trivialities, I want that tree gone. I didn't rise through the ranks to become vice president for nothing.
Chief: Sir, you're the president.
President: Really?
Chief: Yessir.
President: What's the difference?
Chief: Sir, Jill wanted me to remind you it's nap time.
This is your yearly reminder that for some, the holidays are a horrible time.
If you're feeling this way, talk to someone. Religious, county, city, friend, family, doctor, hospital, state congressperson, bartender, hotline, guy at the guitar store, whoever. Keeping it to yourself only makes it worse. It IS possible to feel better. Talk to someone. Work at a soup kitchen. Keep yourself safe. Wait til the other drunks are off the road before driving. ThermionicEmissions cannot afford to lose any readers.
