If it requires Dancers, it ain't Music

I'm sick. Again. Lemme tell you bout it.

I was minding my own business when I breathed in and heard all sorts of other noises that should not accompany breathing. I felt like the Addams Family; Morticia's sister Ophelia could sing 3 part harmony at once. Well, this was the closest I was going to get to it anyway. It was like a cough combined with a wheeze combined with a tin whistle, all at once. This should have alerted me something was up, but I try not to pay close attention to stuff my body's trying to tell me. It's never good news, ya know?

Within a day or 3, I started hacking up a lung, along with the accompanying noise, which was enough to scare politicians off legislation for their own pay raises. At about this point, I noticed that even my hair hurt. Arm hair, head hear, whatever hair - it hurt. So it would start out with front of body hair, ouch, then reacting by backing up hair. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, and errrrrr.

They tell you to look at the stuff you bring up and if it's colorful, that's a problem. This stuff was colorful, to the tune of some sort of disgusting dark green, with a touch of Jackson Pollack. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, hack.

The Mystery Illness also played havoc with my sleep because I couldn't get a clear nostril for breathing. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, Snore. I knew if I didn't get it fixed, I'd be sleeping in the basement, but politely.

So I was a zombie, terribly tired, and would fall halfway asleep anywhere that wasn't my bed. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, hack, Snore. After I few days I became tired of this and asked if we shouldn't pay a visit to the hospital. This was my error, either that or the triage result for not breathing came somewhat lower than sneezing. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, hack, masked hack. I was beginning to warn Wife that if I passed out, she should go get someone to look at me, as it had been four hours. We got one of those nice rooms, right outside the hallway from other rooms. I told them they couldn't charge me for a room if I didn't sit in one. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, hack, mask Splotch, beeping.

After some testing and constant ringing of room bells, they decided it was viral, hence would have to work its own way though. You know, I had been treating the symptoms for a week, so I didn't find too much value in a professional opinion. Since the illness had made me feel like I had been dead for a week, I was looking for more of a solution that involved prescription medicines, or at least involving a lot of Yoo Hoo. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, hack, mask Splotch, beeping. Snore.

Because of the viral mess, I have temporarily lost my sense of taste. I hate my body, as do many others. When I can't taste, I start eating stuff I don't like, out of spite. Lots of stinky cheese!

=====================

So I was left to treat the symptoms. I'd get up in the morning, treat the symptoms, then get up the next morning, and treat the symptoms. It was kind of a Symptomatic Treatment with no Point. At least I assumed my new identity as Mucus Man. It's a shame mucus can't fuel a car - I'd be rich.

After a week of treating symptoms, I became tired and weary and called my doctor. He described precisely the conditions of the Emergency Room and did his own exam. We decided on some prescription medicines, which always makes people feel better. NOTE: do not take antibiotics just for fun; only for the correct infection. Antibiotics are losing efficacy because they're randomly overprescribed.

So I continued to treat the symptoms (these symptoms gotta go, perhaps buried in some landfill in New Jersey). I got an inhaler, for the first time in my life. I'd start telling people I had some sort of horrible lung disease, but I rarely leave the house and people don't terrify as easily as they used to. On the positive side, the inhaler is famous; I can tell because it has plenty of commercials, all day long, with people singing and dancing and being stupid on purpose.

Aside from the Mucus Minders, I find it odd that the only medicine that has any definite effect is ibuprofen (generic Advil). It gets rid of headaches, fevers, and threatens mucus, like the guys who operate New Jersey landfills. I think the conspiracy here is that Big Pharma<tm> has nothing to compete with ibuprofen, so it's the only thing that works. This does not stop them from coming out with more and more expensive Pills That Don't Work.

One of the weirdest side effects of the sickness is on sleep. If I go to bed early, I wake up refreshed, only to find that I've just slept a total of 2 hours and can't get back to sleep. Going to bed early seems to cause less sleep - it makes perfect sense. And I cough a lot. Nothing much comes of it, but I can clear a waiting room faster than one of my own jokes. But I know it's serious when I have no desire to eat. On my deathbed, I'll be demanding ice cream, so not wanting any is worrisome. 

Wife was amazing through all of this. She, ever hypervigilant, would watch me in bed, to see if I stopped breathing. I never understood if not breathing was a good thing or not, so I didn't ask. I could run an Abrams tank through the room and over the bed without waking her. But if I coughed once, she wanted to know if I was ok and could she get me anything. Fight with your spouse all you want, but this is where the rubber meets the sidewalk.

So after 3 weeks of this crap, I'm still coughing, still have minor fevers, still Mr. Mucus, and still don't sleep right. I consider this all a success. A grave success. 

And after asking around, I start to wonder about this. Many seem to have this ailment, whatever it is. Some were diagnosed with the Flying AIDS, some not (me). But the symptoms and length seem to go on forever, with no meds actually helping. Makes one wonder....

Stay well.

Blog Powered by ChatGPT

Betcha didn't know GPT could write this flawlessly. Or this flaw-ful.

Pennsylvanians, your government workers are now powered by ChatGPT

This experiment will fail, miserably and expensively, when they discover they can't train it to be lazy, incompetent, and rude.

 

Wimbledon: Electric double-decker bus catches fire during rush hour

Betcha didn't know Tesla made buses...

 

'A mouse for your mouth': New device allows users to scroll with their tongues

If you see an attractive person, your tongue rolls and deletes the entire page. And who could possibly argue with a transmitter that sits on your tongue. Tongue cancer, anyone? 

 

Plastic is everywhere, including in our food and bottled water

hmmmm..... 2 dogs with cancer. We couldn't possibly be causing our own problems, could we? Cancer, Alzheimer's, whatever else.....

 

US verges on vaccination tipping point, faces thousands of needless deaths: FDA

Isn't that interesting. The FDA complains about what it hath wrought...

 

Julia Roberts says she has made the choice not to do nude scenes

I know nothing about movie-making, but I don't believe Julia has to make declarations like this. She's high enough up the food chain that she either won't be asked, or can just laugh it away. Now we'll have to count on deepfakes....

President Giveaway struck again, with $632 million for electric vehicle charging. When asked for comment, Biden said, "My only regret is that I cannot give them more."

Dear taxpayers: you should feel good, deep in your heart, that you have done your American duty to help the auto manufacturers, banks, electric vehicle manufacturers, cable companies, chip companies, Big Pharma, IRS, and most everybody else who asked for it. Except you. If the government took less of our money, we wouldn't have to bail ourselves out...

It's great to no longer be sick. Nothing is blurry and nothing floats around when I look at it. Aside from a tendency to trip (fairly normal), I feel good. No fever, no seeing things, no strange desire to watch sports.

Speaking of sports, we got our invite to a Superbowl party. Now I have to figure out when that is. This year I thought of bringing a tablet and watching tv or reading. Apparently I'm not the only one who feels this way; many also don't watch the game. Football's the one with the horses, right? Last year I suggested Dancing Girls, but the host's wife has no sense of humor. I bet if I suggested Dancing Guys, she'd be all for it. I know his neighbors better than I know mine. And no kids.

Speaking of no kids, that's why our 'hood works out so well. I'm not sure if there are any children under 13. No noise, except the constant racket of construction when I have a conference. Anyway... our newest nextdoor neighbor has gone on the 9 Month Rapid Weight Gain diet. Yes, she got knocked up. One day she was moving in, the next she was the size of her Toyota. And even I know it's not polite to ask the large woman if she's expecting. Or if she's just FAT. Anyway, I'm pretty sure this means an infant. Infants make noise. That will spoil the entire fung shwing of the neighborhood. Unless they have one of those joyful quiet infants that turn into joyful quiet children. Since there are no others, they'll have to leave the hood to find more bouncing bundles of joy [NOTE: they do NOT bounce. Don't ask]. 

Of course we'll have to provide a present. This is pretty far our of my wheelhouse; fortunately Wife likes children. I suggested one of those things you put in their mouth to keep them quiet, but with some glue so it won't come out. A Johnny Automatic Weapon kit for when the little bugger gets older. Bag-O-Blades, a Harley, the Pill for his mommy (and daddy), and maybe a needlepoint that says, "Welcome to the end of sleep as you know it. For 18 years." Ain't it a good thing I don't have kids? There are several groups of concerned citizens which are actively interested in me not reproducing. My contraception was always free (and encouraged). I'd be out on a date, things were getting hot and heavy, then some complete stranger would pop up and hand me a condom. It was the strangest thing....

Speaking of sick, I got into bed the other night and immediately smelled something FOUL. It smelled like one of the other bed occupants (Wife, dog) threw up. But they're both pretty good about cleaning it up (oof). I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't stand it anymore. I moved the covers and boom - a piece of Wife's XXX Provolone fell on me. Well, that explains the smell....  both Wife and dog eat it. I always seem to be downwind from it.

Nobody saw it coming: George Carlin has been brought back to life by AI. The new special is called I'm Glad I'm Dead. Nobody was more surprised than George, except possibly his daughter, Kelly, who is shocked and outraged. One of the people responsible, Will Sasso, says it's an impersonation of his voice and material. I think Will's funny, but this is not. Kelly suggests that if anybody wants to see George, there are many existing specials all over the place. I tend to agree.

George was an American treasure, who worked diligently on his art, from when tv was black and white. He was hysterical. Back when records were popular (the first time), we'd gather and listen to his records. To this day we quote him.

I'm a Sick Fsck

That's what she said.

And she meant it in a most literary sense.

To say my sleep has been highly interrupted for the last 3 days would be like saying Rob Reiner doesn't like Donald Trump.

I have a fever. I have what Wife calls 'The Hot-Colds," which is pretty much what it sounds like; one minute I'm sweating, the next I'm freezing. It's not to say this is serious, but even my arm hair hurts. My head feels like it's currently in one of Uncle Fester's Rotator C-Clamps but I can't see the clamps. I have been trying to sleep with 4 blankets, but it's too cold for that. The dog has been helping by walking on my chest and pooping on the floor.

Last night I couldn't stay awake after 9:30 so I went to bed. I have never gone to bed at 9:30, so just out of spite, I woke up 5 hours later, as if the alarm had gone off, with no interest or ability to sleep anymore. My body laughed quietly. My body is revolting, which she also said.

Wife sometimes gets jealous when I'm sick, so she's sick too. She only requires 1 blanket.

They (they who?) tell me to emphasize the positive, so I'll tell you that ibuprofen is a minor miracle. If I remember to take it, I only feel horrible! This is a great improvement for me.

Work said to feel better, but I had to be online today for a presentation. I told everyone I was sick, they should move back from their monitors so they wouldn't get it.

Because of where I work, the presentation was on software that's nowhere near functional and that most of us haven't used or can't even log into. But boy did we baffle them with BS. Most importantly, the slides were colorful. If you get the right blink rate, you can keep them hypnotized until you're done. It helps cut down on questions.

I have to go now. Typing is making way too much noise.

The Right Nipple Hall of Fame

 

Your love is like  post-shaving pimples

HIM: What would you like to drink?

HER: Mineral water, please.

HIM: Ok, Coke it is.

Today I identify as  a rubber chicken

One of the points of having a computer was for it to take the load, because it works much faster than you.

Well, it's supposed to.

It may be Wednesday, but the computer thinks it's Monday. It is less responsive on Monday than Joe Biden before Naptime. It took minutes to bring up Outlook. Forever to bring up Windows. And when it got close to up, Windows informed me it had to do an update.  It was all very hush-hush. It did allow me to schedule the update, which I found quite nice, and when I did, it told me NO. That's about right. Twenty minutes later, everything was at least up, when it told me it had to restart. Of course it had to restart. Windows' most consistent point is how it drives its users insane with updating, random rebooting, and refusal to act like an operating system. When someone is late for a meeting, they just say "I got Windowsed" and everybody understands. Many coworkers would rather stick their hands into a convenient electrical outlet than use Windows.

I know all about the speed of the internet, but for some reason, I was on Special Dialup Emulation mode. 300 baud.

After several days sick, being quiet and unbothered, I'm now screaming at the computer and Windows. First thing in the morning. I wonder if they should try using Windows instead of smelling salts.

I need to check my email, but there's still another ten minutes before it comes up. And when it comes up, rest assured it will come up FULL SCREEN, regardless of how you closed it, what you do to it, or if you use fresh chickens instead of store-bought ones. I hit the button to take it out of full screen, and it tells me what I think of Outlook anyway: Fails to Respond. I can actually grow my own coffee beans, roast them, grind them, and make all my coffee really fresh. I guess I shouldn't complain.

It got no better.

• When you're young, if you try to pick up a younger person, you're robbing the cradle.
• Jane Seymour is 70+. Today is Nancy Wilson's 68th birthday. Am I robbing the reaper?

After days of being sick, my body was revolting.

Let me rephrase that: my body revolted. It was upset about all that extra sleep I got and decreed that it would get no further sleep. I suspect this whole thing started after I tried getting more than four hours sleep per night.

It's incredibly nice outside again. People are walking around, looking up, waiting for the other shoe to hit them.

There was a shopping trip. The prices go up every time Putin sneezes, because of the gas prices. Still no yogurt.  I don't mean to bitch (yes I do), but that's 50% of my breakfast. Otherwise, if I eat too much fiber, the sewage system breaks and the city has to get involved (again). I had to pay for industrial teflon sewer lines out to the main line. You'd be shocked at how many local ordinances are put in place just because of me. Maybe not.

I keep trying to say I'm glad to be back to work and relative (ab)normalcy, but I'm not feeling it yet. Probably due to my weekly fight with Windows. It likes me only slightly less than I like it. I'm not sure my coworkers are aware I wasn't in or I'm back. They're a good bunch. Like purple grapes with that grotty white fungus growing on them.

Poor Mrs. lefty will need to sleep for a few days, after being on alert to tend to my sickness (physical). I don't like to be waited on, but once a year it's actually nice.

Flying AIDS News 

Fourth shot “is necessary” Pfizer CEO says as experts monitor BA.2

COVID cases are again on the rise globally as testing, health measures decline

Florida health official put on 2-month leave after urging staff to get vaccine

Covid: Why US students are staging walkouts over masks

COVID ups risks of dementia, cognitive impairment, and decline in older survivors

WHO Says It Advised Ukraine To Destroy Pathogens In Health Labs To Prevent Disease Spread

Moderna asking FDA for approval for 4th shot 

• The patchwork groups sharing gender-affirming underwear patterns
• I guess I'm secure enough in my manhood that I don't seek affirmation from my underwear 

Tesla has been quiet lately

Tesla hikes prices on all cars, with cheapest Model 3 now nearing $50K

But it's ok, for the extra money, the car has an even bigger chance of spontaneously exploding and hitting parked cars. For $20k extra, you can purchase the Pedestrian option, where the car will hit pedestrians instead of avoiding them.

Scientists claim hairy black holes explain Hawking paradox

I'll take "What does Niki Minaj have to do with Stephen Hawking?" for $500, Bob. 

• A study finds that the US has lost 57.6 trillion metric tons of soil due to agricultural practices.
• President Taxit has vowed $57.6 trillion to bail out farmers and has formed a task force to locate the missing soil.

There are a few things you simply do not want to hear from your spouse.

Number One: I've been thinking..

Number Two: I just changed pocketbooks and...

because it just means something got left behind, lost, or it will require more pocketbooks.

Campilobacter is NOT a food additive

Superbug-Infected Chicken Is Being Sold All Over the US

• A Fort Lauderdale active-killer training session states "that if you hear gunshots, you should “rapidly run away from the gunfire to seek a position of safety”
• It turns out that city employees were all running toward the gunfire and jumping on grenades.

Snoop Dog on tv?

You look surprised. It's all part of his plan.

To turn into a suburban middle-aged white guy.

Spam used to be so bad it almost killed email. Now the filters are incredible.

Except at work, where we prefer to generate our own. It's almost like they miss spam, so they needed to do something about it.

I hear more about National Whatsit Month than actual important mail from my own team.

• Come to an all-employee meeting about Elephants in Tech.
• Results of the all-employee meeting about Elephants in Tech (with attached Powerpoint presentation)
• [from team] We need to get on this
• Final Day of Elephants in Tech
• Final Thoughts on Elephants in Tech
• It's National Moth Month! Celebrate Moths in History!

So we stand highly educated on Elephants in Tech, and it makes Iqbal, my service elephant, very excited and he feels included. Unfortunately, it makes my real email hard to find and read. Hmm.... I wonder if the company is playing stupid and is trying to drive us away from email. Wow - it's sheer genius! Overload us with bullshit, eventually forcing us to ignore email completely. Wow. Just wow.

Unfortunately, we're not sure where they're pushing us. 

Meet the new boss.....

Dentist broke his patients’ teeth to make millions installing crowns, jury finds

Oh - I thought this was regular dentistry. 

Russian news network RT had its license revoked in the UK and is being thrown off networks worldwide. The really sad part of this is that I used to watch it now and then, long before the invasion, and there was a lot of truth there. One of the tricks in disinformation and misinformation is to leave some truth in. 

How a jetpack design helped create a flying motorbike

This will become fun when the flying cars start fighting with them...

Microsoft, everybody's best friend, will be retiring Internet Exploder 11 in June and replacing it with Edge (Chromium-based). This means Microsoft is seriously dropping its own faulty standard and making a new standard out of a Google product [Dr. Evil rubs his hands together and laughs... evilly].

 

Ubuntu changed its logo.

OHMIGOD - this is the greatest news since the war ended! Any war!

Nah, it's just my personal bugaboo. Style over substance. Some people seem more excited about the new wallpaper look in the new Ubuntu (or whatever) than any actual features. These are probably the same people who complain about ThermionicEmissions' colors blinding you. If you're going to complain, complain about the content. Heaven knows there's a lot to complain about.

I suppose it was inevitable... the Who are on their 43rd Final Tour, The Monkees can't tour, and I just got notice the Village People are touring. This is almost as bad as Robert Plant's man bun. I'm trying to remember an article I read about only one guy being original and the whole thing being his idea anyway. Gay men are still laughing at getting one over on the 'breeders' this time.

yeah, but who was photographing her?

Predicting the Future via Butt Pimples

Your love is like   Dayquil and Nyquil as meal replacements

Sad Realities 2022: Google rolling out Air Raid Alerts app for Ukraine

Today I identify as  sweaty sheets

HER: I feel bad for asking, but would you help me put this necklace on?

HIM: Don't feel bad, it makes me feel like I'm strangling you. I like it.

I just saw a picture of Robert Plant, with what can only be described as a sort of impotent man bun.

It really has me questioning many things about my life, loves, and goals.

Forward, Back, or left? 

We're very pleased around here that Mrs. lefty remembered the time change. My mom used to call and remind us, but that ain't happening again. Is this a female thing, cuz I certainly didn't know it. She went around the house, changing the clocks. Then she realized she changed them in the wrong direction, so she went around the house, changing the clocks again. The positive parts of this is that all the clocks that didn't get changed last time are now correct, like the car. Oh no, wait, I just fixed the car, so I'll have to re-fix it again.

Starve a cold? Feed a fever? Shovel the food in regardless? 

I felt weird(er) last night, and gave it some Serious Thought<tm>. Then I gave it some Serious Digital Thermometer. My temperature was either 94, 99.8, or 105 depending on where I took it.  I'm thinking this isn't acceptable, because Medicine tends to operate a bit more accurately. I have electronic test equipment like this; where one component will have three values, depending on which meter I use. I don't think it's helpful in either case. The following morning, it was several different readings also, so I called in the Big Guns: WIFE. Mothers and Wifes have a magic ability to get past several different readings and cut to the chase: "You've got a fever, oh yes, I'll get some aspirin." It makes me feel sorry for bachelors... they have to visit their mom or another woman to figure out if they have a temperature.

My medical knowledge can fit in the (non-existent) ashtray of a new car, but my understanding is that the body raises its temperature in order to kill the infection. If this is true, why do we take fever reducers?  I have a vague memory of not feeling well, going to the hospital, having my temp taken, and the nurse saying, "104, time to panic." Fortunately I was seeing things and in my own little universe, so I didn't truly grok the reality of rectally-installed aspirin. I'm just not that kinda guy.

Being some sort of sick ironically provides some relief, in chores and Stuff needed to be done round the house. I have an excuse for not doing things, as opposed to Fat and Lazy, which is my go-to. Obviously I have a job too. In another weird irony, I don't like to miss work, and will generally work until my head crashes down on the keyboard (from passing out or sheer boredom). If you remember, I have to be forced to take vacation days, or I lose them. I'm at my desk like Bernie Sanders is thinking of more 'free' things to 'give' people. If I take off, my boss gets worried, because he knows it must be serious. He figures I'll be there long after I retire and possibly after I die. So with 9,457 accumulated sick days, it's pretty much up to me. 

As best I can tell, I got sick out of spite, or to break up the boredom.

Next day: I heard my alarm go off, so it was Decision Time. Mrs. lefty said STAY HOME. I didn't want to go 'in' because I might get my team sick (we all work from home).

I have no idea what's happening, but I seem to be cycling between 'I'm feeling eh' and 'OMFG, every hair on my body hurts,'  We've all had days when it's been difficult getting up, but this puts an interesting twist on it.

ME: Ok, I need to get it together to call out sick.

Also ME: Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

HER: What did you do?

ME: Tried to open my eyes.

HER: It sounds awful.

ME: You probably want to leave - I have to try to get out of bed.

HER: What is that noise? It sounds like the radio. Do you have the radio on?

ME: You can hear that? That's each individual body hair, reporting in, in pain.

You know I have my phone set so nobody calls. It's a gift.

So naturally this morning, I became very popular. The Tree Guy wanted to come out to cut off some dead tree. I asked him to check on the dead area over my neck, but he said that would be another estimate. I told him to come on by, then spent then next 45 minutes trying to figure out how to get out of bed and leave his payment on the door. Fortunately Mrs. lefty was up and said she'd take care of it. Well, if she'd take care of it, why was *I* getting the calls? Come to think of it, she seems very excited when he comes out. I was too sick to care.

I think this guy uses lasers or something - the last time he took down two trees and I never heard him.

So it was back to bed.

RADIO: Arm hair #22476, pain

Back hair #43720, pain

Nose hair #77345, pain

ALL HAIL- we have a 90 degree turn to portward, sometime in the next 90 minutes.

This went on for half an hour.

I was up at the decent hour of 3pm, regardless of spring ahead, fall backward, or 'change the fscking clock.' I can tell the time is correct when 2 clocks match. This after all the hairs checked in again; I was on the Pain part of the cycle, but at least it only took an hour to get out of bed. The dog is sympathetic, or at least I think so. She's heavy-lidded, napping on her mommy's new pillow. It's not like I didn't take her to the vet when we suspected cancer.

I'm hungry. I can tell by my stomach, which gave up growling when I ignored it, and is now singing loudly. I think it's Joe Cocker. The problem here is that we're completely out of candy bars. We have lots of soup, but it has to be heated. This is not do-able, as it hurts to think of it. The dog is still refusing to heat anything for me. I'd go back to sleep, but the singing would keep me awake.

It's 4am, I'm sweaty, and I don't want to remain sleeping. I think I need a Coke (my needs are few and simple, not counting the guitars that cost more than my house). After only 45 minutes, I manage to haul myself out of bed, not even using the winch, or any of the other high-powered equipment in the bedroom, but now's not the time to go into that. My body hair is at only 50% hurting; I think this is a good omen. In the living room, all is normal at 5am: the dog is comfy and asleep on the couch, and the wife is 'cleaning'' like mad. When I say 'cleaning,' I mean something like a modified pinball game. You pull the lever, which launches the ball, which bangs around and goes DING a lot, all over the place. So if you took the balls and made them explode, leaving a lot of debris all over the place, you'd have her 'cleaning.'  Bathroom: DING, explosion, debris. Kitchen: DING, explosion, debris. Normal people would look at the procedure and say 'that's not cleaning - it's creating more dirt.' This is why they're normal people and don't live at lefty Manor. The dog can't take any more following her mommy all over the place, so she remains asleep. 

I got my Coke, and sat up for a bit. The tv was on, as it always is, and I was astounded at the lineup of alleged shows. It was so bad, my brain protected me by making me forget it. Mrs lefty continued her cleaning, this time leaving debris in the basement. I had noticed her eventually sitting on the couch, quickly followed by her falling forward and snoring on the couch. You can't fool me, so I suggested maybe she go to bed. She completely ignored me, so I knew everything was normal. This continued for an hour or so, then I went to bed. The doctors told me arguing will only raise my blood pressure, as Mrs. lefty does not observe many of the laws of physics. My favorite is when she goes to sleep with her head 4" above the pillow.

When my alarm went off, I was assured I still had a fever, but only 25% of my body hair hurt. I took this as a good sign, calling out of work another day. By 4pm, the next time I got up, my body hair didn't hurt at all. It only took me 30 minutes to plan and execute getting out of bed. I kept pulling at my body hair, trying to make it hurt, just in case, but it wouldn't. As my wife had finally made it to bed, after only 3 days of not sleeping, she snored. And when I say snored, I mean it sounded like there was heavy construction and tearing up the street in front of the house. She stopped, asked if I felt ok, and I asked to check my temperature. I'm not going to say she was tired, but she said ok, then fell asleep with her arm halfway to my forehead.

According to the wacky thermometer, my temperature was either 32, 98.5, or 98.6. I found out if you add them and take the square root, you have way too much time on your hands. As two of the results were pretty close, I was fever-less! So at 4pm, I finally had my morning coffee. The dog loves coffee, but smartly stayed in bed, where she is somehow able to ignore her mommy's use of heavy equipment.

To top it off, Mother Nature decided to get even with me by making the last two days absolutely beautiful. Walk around without a coat beautiful. To show you how glad I am to be getting over being sick, I almost look forward to taking out the trash. Slow down, lefty. As a warmup, I might put my shoes on and get the mail.

It should be interesting when Wife gets up, which could be any time within the next few days. It looks like while cleaning the fridge, the BANG happened, and the debris was a shelf, which spilled its contents onto the floor. Have you ever had a shelf expel its cold contents onto the floor, possibly throwing them at you? Half the powdered creamer is now on the floor, spelling out HELP ME. We now have purple silverware. And someone finally found my toothbrush. It tends to stray, but this time it got moved during cleaning and no one knew where. At least they took the cereal out of the fridge. When Wife finally wakes up, she's going to ask what happened and who made the mess. I think I need motion-sensitive cameras in the house.

I tried to keep my activity to a minimum, like I do every day, but this time I have a reason; not getting re-sick. So I only took the trash out and carried stuff all over the house. This might not have been a smart idea, like running a marathon without a leg. Here's another phrase you don't hear often: I can't wait to go to work tomorrow.

Dreams Don't Die - Dreamers Do

 

Your love is like  getting a Brazilian wax

• Former Google CEO calls social networks 'amplifiers for idiots'.
• if the custom made Italian shoe fits...

Today I identify as  a busy bartender, with the Flying AIDS

Actually, I identify as a person who is still sick.

I somehow managed to get an appointment with the doctor, instead of the person who sets up his office furniture. After a lot of phone calls, waiting, and reading 50 books on how to satisfy a woman, I got all set up.  A turkey baster.... I had no idea...

So it's 45 minutes after appointment time, and no doctor. I call the office, which just let me know I'm 9th in line to speak to what passes as a real person. Every 5 seconds, their sophisticated phone system tells me I am still 9th in line.

You know, I'm kinda tired. It's a good thing I don't have anything fatal, or I might slip away, just trying to get some help. Even though we ascertained I don't have the Flying AIDS, I still have a fever, which means I can't come into the doctor's office. Because, you know, we can't have any sick people in the doctor's office. The next time I have an appointment, I'll tell them I can't come in because I'm sick.

I know for a fact that we have a pretty good medical system. I just wonder where it went on vacation and if it's wearing a mask.

• In a win for the anti-violence effort, a 28 year old anti-violence worker in Philly shot and killed a 31 year old male prostitute. 

New Google Nest Hub experiment nixes the “Hey Google” voice hotword

Because let's call a spade a spade.... the thing listens to everything you say... 

• No, mouthwash won't save you from Flying AIDS.
• Because yesterday, mouthwash was said to save you from Flying AIDS 

Google is making it easier to run Windows 10 on Chromebooks.

Because your day isn't crappy enough already... 

Give Blood 

It wasn't entirely by choice... the doctor ordered a lot of tests. In fact, when I saw the list of tests, I asked if I'd have enough blood to go back to work. I suspect some of the values were off, due to the extremely alarmed looks on the blood tech. They don't normally pee in their scrubs, do they?

I brought Mrs lefty along because she said we never spend any quality time together.  The last time I got results, someone suggested we order an ambulance.

When the doc says you need tests, you say "ok" and go get them. You tend to miss small stuff, like 'fast for 12 hours' or 'you'll need to drop off some urine.' There are two distinct reactions to this: the first is that you will NOT be able to produce a drop of urine because you're supposed to. The second is that you pee. Most of my relatives are in the first group. The key here is to shake your head whenever they ask you a question. "Have you fasted for 12 hours?" [head shake]. "Can you fill this up?" [head shake or ask 'from here?'].

Having managed to produce some of the yellow gold, I took one look at the container, before trying to give it to random old ladies who were walking around, and said, "A-HA! This is the problem. Look at that color!" Then I quickly realized I have never seen my urine in a specimen cup so I have no idea what color it's supposed to be. I figure that as long as it's in the General Urine Color Spectrum<tm>, I'm ok. So, lacking any blue or green, I figured I'd just allow the professionals to take care of things... I'm good that way...

Vampire Bob, or the Blood Taker, was very nice, in spite of that odd look in his eye (the good one).  He said I'd only feel a pinch - I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be on my butt. He told me I'd have no blood left, so a high-sugar, high-fat breakfast was essential. I'm just happy I didn't pass out, like the last 12 times. Turns out they like you to tell them this before they stick you. Note: the stools are further from the ground, so it's much farther to fall.

I'm sure my doctor, or his interior decorator, will call me back with the results. My results. Any results. His bloody t-shirt did little to calm my fears, but he sure sounded eager.

• Due to the Flying AIDS, France put 46 million under night curfew. 
• This is political misdirection: the problem is what they get up to during the day.

Burger King is planning to test reusable containers.

They can put their reusable food inside them.

• The problem with online training is that they expect you to pay attention. This is what killed me in classroom training.

You gotta hand it to Greenpeace - they're right on top of things. They say Fukushima contaminated water could damage human DNA. Were they out drinking heavily a few years back, when Fukushima dumped the radioactive water?

Dear lefty  

• What are you doing with that anvil?
• flattening the curve 

Mitch McConnell wants you to know he has no health problems. The purple lips and band aids all over his hands are for Halloween - yeah, that's it - Halloween. 

The immediate question is 'what kind of idiot...' and the immediate answer is McConnell. Remember Halloweens of past, when Harry Reid sported a bandage over his eye and Bush the Dimmer 'choked on a pretzel.'

California is bracing for riots after the election: the police are getting military gear out and the people are getting their Twitter Whining Fingers warmed up.

Catholic leaders are mad at the pope for his speech on same-sex unions. The pope issued a correction: "When I said that same sex couples need love too, what I meant was 'keep on doing those little boys with impunity.' I apologize for any confusion."

Best Title 

The twisted sex lives of Nazis — and the women who loved them

I Feel Good.

Sent off my ballot.

The libertarians had a candidate for almost every seat.

Except for the lady whose every breath disagrees with me.

The only thing missing was the satisfaction of pulling the Libertarian lever and feeling its certainty, as I cast my vote. I'll live.

Unfortunately there will be no stories of the masked Great Unwashed, standing 6' apart, probably in the rain, in the firehouse. There will come a time when a fire breaks out, deafening everybody in line, except for the registrars, some of whom have been dead for 25 years. They do good work.

A huge overall turnout is expected; perhaps the highest since the early 1900s

If nothing else, Trump got people off their fat asses and to the polls.

And peace in the Middle East.

A doctor friend was gleeful about spitting on a Trump sign.

I can't believe I had to tell a friend to register his complaint at the polls, not on someone's private property. I need better doctor friends. 

WTF is wrong with America when this sort of behavior is ok?

Have we been online too long? That kind of toxic behavior is NFG in real life.

I don't go around uprooting Trump AND Biden signs. Think of all the work a 3rd party voter has to do...

Happys 

Weird Al Yankovic

SJW Scrawl 

Twitter suspended a feminist professor for saying 'only females get cervical cancer'

The investment firms that manage Yale's $31.2 billion endowment were put on notice: you will be measured on your progress increasing your staffs' diversity

Who Came Up With Anal Sex?

Apologies from the staff of ThermionicEmissions.

For reasons not known even by Google (blogspot owner), they changed the blogging interface that I see. This made it confusing as to what was and wasn't published. It also introduced change just for the sake of change - there were no improvements. So things might be out of order here and there. I'll try to keep things straight manually.  

-thanks

Anal Sex
Think about it.
Modern caveman?
Modern Frenchman?
Modern homosexual?
Hey, this feels great....  What if I put my..  I wonder if that feels great.
OWWWWWWWWWWWWW
It does. At least for me.


Your love is like  eating an ironing board


I'm sick.
No, not that way.
I'm at work and noticed the room spinning more than normal.
Men aren't sick until a woman tells them, so I asked Wife, who said I'm burning up. Alright then...  I'm sick.
Do I take the nighttime cold remedy or the daytime cold remedy? Do I even have a cold? Aside from spinning and fever, there are no symptoms. Spinning and fever are more than enough, though.

Feed a cold, starve a fever?
Starve a cold, feed a fever?
Whatever it is, give it chocolate. This is a solid concept.

I'm perfectly clear in the head, so why not, while the room is spinning, pick up the soldering iron? Maybe a blowtorch or sawzall? Maybe a long sit on a long couch. Yeah, that's it. I tried playing the guitar, but we were both spinning in different directions. This might be ok for hit music, but I have my standards.

What I've found that helps is zinc, vitamin c, and echinacea. I'm taking so many pills I don't have to eat. I want to read what's in the nighttime medicine, but even the ants have to put on glasses. Mrs lefty just announced she feels sick. She always copies off me. Can't I just be sick for a very short while before she gets sick? On the bright side, my napping has gone nuclear.

I believe in sitting and resting while sick, which feeds right into my love of sitting and resting in general. When Mrs lefty is sick. I tell her not to run around. She says, "I'm not running." A man's gotta know his limitations.

Whatever I had enjoyed messing with me.
I said that I'd like at least one day of my 3 day weekend free, and I could feel it saying, "Well, that's not totally unreasonable" and moving away. Next morning, I was as bad as the first day. Now it's Back to Work, with the Industrial strength vise (mostly) unclamped from my skull. No, it wasn't the Flying AIDS, sorry.

I called my doctor. They asked me if I ever did telemedicine. Unfortunately. The doctor doesn't want me coming to the office because I'm sick. 2020 is weirder than I thought.

While relaying this to Mrs lefty, one of the kids popped out and asked, "Who's going to take care of me if you die?" Apparently I'm good for something.

• It's been a year since my dad died.  
• Sonofabitch. 
• He had a lot of nerve having all that cancer.

Russian interference in the upcoming election continues, when Irina Teplitzki asked her friend how hard it is to speak English.

• Colin Kaepernick calls for abolishing police and prisons in new essay series
• Colin Kaepernick can spell 'essay'? 

Archbishop Burns Altar ... After Priest Has Sex in Church

Pope in TED talk: Earth cannot be squeezed ‘like an orange'

Still no word on child molesting



Today I identify as  a KitchenAid mixer



Today President Trump received the endorsement of the Taleban.

"We hope he will win the election" and withdraw U.S. troops

Ever think you'd be agreeing with the Taleban?





Dear lefty

• You like boobies, right?
• It's my main area of focus 
• Do I ask my date if I can touch them?
• Are you on any lists or anything?

There's a hair loss commercial, wherein you put on a cap full of LEDs that brings your hair back. It's only $800. No. I've worn hats all my life and lost my hair. I hear it runs on your mother's side, so I'm suing her. So does alzheimer's disease. This suit will be unprecedented.



Coinbase has had it: I posted before that they were giving up on politics, and if any employee, didn't like that, they were free to leave, with some sort of severance packet. 5% left. The best part of this were the screeching, fainting commentators.

• Since Silicon Valley leans left, you're saying, "It's not ok to lean left."
• “When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.”

Do they sit up at night and think this shit up? Does it flow naturally, with all the rest of the noise excreted from their oral cavity? I've been working for quite a long time and never once was I given leave to go support a social cause. You wanna talk privilege? These whining children, who think 'work' is just an extension of 'home' for their cause, whatever their cause is.

I think Coinbase is well within their rights to want a dollar's work for a dollar's pay. Deal with your personal social causes on your personal social time. Imagine a company not wanting to be involved in any of this, then taking crap for it.

• Have you noticed that the newspapers crowing that Lord Zuck finally removed Holocaust deniers are the same ones who had a fit when Faceyspaces wasn't 100% free speech?

Happys

Paul Simon - Art Garfunkel's pal
Sammy Hagar
John Denver
Daryl Hall - John Oates' pal

Jazz and Tyrannosaurus Sexing

I know you're afraid that your friends will think you wear thick-rimmed glasses and a pocket protector, but haven't you always wanted to know how to read a schematic?  Sparkfun has an intro. Even though there are no tube symbols, I've decided to forgive them.

Don't:

tell your buddy his girlfriend has a hardon.

at work, end all your sentences with "as ancient astronaut theorists believe".

put your penis in the pencil sharpener

park your ICBM on the lawn, facing your idiot neighbor. I know this now.

cook with Vagisil

reproduce

Dear lefty:

• Why do you call people names?
• Because you're an idiot.

I'm sick.

No, not that way.

Really sick. Physically.

It starts in the head, feeling woozy, like watching social tv.

Then it migrates to the chest, when coughing hurts.

Then you think you're better, but you're not.

Then your wife tells you that you have a fever and look what can best be described as gray. Because we are men, and need a female to tell us this stuff. This is because of rectal thermometers when we were little (which explains a lot). 

When helping with menial jobs has become an insurmountable task.

When you're so hungry but can only reach the peanut butter and jelly in one jar. Getting up to fix yourself something is unthinkable, like the tv networks airing a funny, original show. Falling off the couch presents a choice: do I haul ass up to bed? Nah, the floor is perfectly comfortable.

There's the Dayquil and the Nyquil. You've become a drug addict, with one drug to allow you to stay awake and another to help you sleep. Neither works well or gets rid of your cold. You fall asleep on Dayquil and Nyquil does nothing, but at the same time manages to taste like souffle of emesis.

The most fun is losing your sense of taste, sometimes off and on. I take revenge on myself by eating stuff I hate, like my wife's moldy ten week-old simmered socks cheese with XXX on the label. Of course once in my mouth, taste switches back on, my body spoiling the one revenge I get on it. It says something about exercise and chuckles.

I woke up this morning feeling almost bouncy. So good that I'm actually looking forward to doing the dishes. No, I am not hallucinating.

Naturally the wife told me I still have a temperature.

She said this as she reminded me we're picking up the new furniture today.

Tomorrow's installment will depend on whether or not the hospital has wifi.

• Millions of devices vulnerable to complete takeover - security cameras, baby monitors and smart doorbells. No solution in sight.

Opt out of facial recognition at airports. Yes, it's being phased in, without notification or your permission. This is the latest insult to your privacy.

Some things never change:

Eager to give CNN (if we don't like the news, we make it up) another chance, I tuned in. It took about two minutes before the president was somehow responsible for the synagogue shooting.

Not that there's any better news outlet.

• Just in case you like privacy like I do: the information of 80 million US households sat in the open, with no password, for the taking. The owner of the data has not been identified.
• Do you wish to trust idiots and incompetents with your personal information?

Officials in Montreal, Canada, are warning people to stop sightseeing and snapping selfies in flood zones. This is why we are doomed.

Vizio Must Go

Our good friends over at Vizio, who make approximately 1 of 5 tvs, just got fined a few million by the FTC over information collection. Enabled by default, the tv would send information on everything you watched, including IP address, to identify you, then sell the data to aggregators for a profit. In normal information theft (make no mistake, that's what this is), only non-identifiable information is sold - nothing that can tell anybody who you are. In this case, everything possible was sent up the line. The 'feature' was hidden in the tv's menu, behind some innocuous setting.  Under the terms of the settlement, Vizio admits no wrongdoing and states that permission should be obtained first, before collection, as if they thought of it first.

I have a box with a Vizio tv in it, alleged to be a Dumb TV, so this shouldn't apply. It will be interesting if I ever decide to open it. This kind of screwing should be dealt with most harshly.

• A German Shepherd/Akita mix recently escaped the shelter to locate a woman who fed him treats. If this isn't a match made in heaven, I don't know what is.

If it's Tuesday, it's gray and rainy. Actually if it's most days ending in -day, it's gray and rainy. What does this mean? It means Business as Usual for most. For us, it means the Loud Family is now using a power saw to cut through what sounds like metal. Outside. In the rain. And they won't even have the good grace to electrocute themselves.

• IRONY: Social media phishing attacks are up 500%. How do I know? Social media told me.

A fellow was using his drone for work purposes (no, really) when it, instead of performing a loop, performed an unauthorized software update. After the update, it did not fly so much as plummet. Plug that into your self-driving car.

• The University of Sydney (read this with an Australian accent) has announced a $30k scholarship for men from rural areas who intend to work in rural veterinary science.  Even though 90% of the field is female, reaction was predictable: "It seems they care more about money than they do about my being a woman and getting equal opportunities."
• I'm against these kinds of tests for any position. I want the best candidate regardless of gender, color, or planet of origin. Would you want less than the best vet working on your pet or livestock? Would you want less than the best police person protecting you?
• What hath feminism wrought? We demand preferential treatment: it's ok to make concessions, so long as it's to women.

Did you ever have one of those days?
I know I have. Plenty of those days.
You know, those days when stuff falls?

I walked into the house and placed the mail on the table. The top envelope slid right to the floor, behind the table, in a place that was ridiculously difficult to access. While trying to access it, a ceramic key holder also left the table. This was not the way I had intended to spend my time at home and I loudly proclaimed this, at which point three more things fell behind the table.

On my way to the kitchen, I swear I heard something leap to the floor behind me.
In the kitchen, a cup launched itself into the sink, free from my assistance. At this point I snickered, realizing what was happening. I had created what scientists refer to as an Extra-Heavy Gravitic Field (EHGF). Scientists have absolutely no idea how I manage to create this but at least they have a name for it. Names make people feel so much better, even about car crashes and earthquakes.

Having realized what was going on, I was less upset and even jovial as I watched  various kitchen implements leap from the counter and items on the drying rack plummet to the ground. It looked like a comedy in the vein of The Exorcist.  After placing something in the rack, something else rocketed to the floor, I completely lost it and started assisting the Extra-Heavy Gravitic Field by means of throwing stuff at the walls and the ground. Whoever makes those silver juice packets should have used this as a commercial - no matter whether it jumps from the counter or gets launched at the wall with extreme prejudice, the package does not break.

• Need to make a few bucks? Want to expand your notoriety and maybe get a personal nasty tweet from the president? Porn site XHamster is holding auditions for a Trump look-a-like. Do not underestimate the industry that brought you "Who's Nailin Palin?"

It's Sick Time at the lefty house.
A week ago, Wife had what looked like the sniffles, which abated in a day. Over the last few days, I had some truly odd symptoms, which led to a fever. Yes, my wife got me sick on purpose.

Fast forward a day and Wife is now sick again/still.
I think I figured this one out: there existed only one day that I was sick and she wasn't. Her Evil Plan was to get me sick, then minimize the time she'd have to play nurse by getting sick herself. Truly evil. And this is not the first time, sympathy be damned. It's not that I'm looking for anything, but a cup of soup would be nice.

Wife gets sick pretty well. It usually goes right to her throat, cutting off speech. Do you have any idea how bad it must be for someone who talks at least 20 hours per day to lose their voice? The result is a lot of people trying to 'speak' via some sort of poorly modified hand gestures combined with a pad and pen. All I can do is nod my head and hope no one required an answer. Come to think of it, this idea isn't different from when she can speak.

This becomes even more complex for the poor dog, who does not understand poorly modified hand gestures combined with a pad and pen. Not that he couldn't pick it up in a week or two, but holding your hands out wide and shaking them does not register as MOVE to him.

Meanwhile, he has taken advantage of his mom's bed rest by whining pitifully for a second breakfast, as I have no idea whether he was fed already. Again, smart dog.