Your love is like the endless droning on and on about Oprah interviewing ex-royals
lefty Escapes
That's a bit of a misnomer - it should read lefty Dragged Outside.
Because I'm a good child, it only took 2 hours of arguing to get me into the car to pick Mom up. She needed stuff, so we were taking her out.
Taking Mom shopping is a task that can send the most steadfastly sane people leaping off anything taller than two stories. Mrs. lefty manages to do this by herself, which qualifies her for a cape. In some sort of very strange math, adding another person makes things more difficult. Mom's declining a bit, so we have to keep a more careful eye on her [see Dementia page]. It was decided we were visiting a local store whose name rhymes with Arget. You can get pretty much get what you want at Arget, right?
Let me tell you how terrified of the Flying AIDS people are. The Arget parking lot was more full than at Christmas. Everybody had their masks on and were shopping as if their lives depended on it. As the pandemic proved, no matter what happens, shopping will happen.
Shopping with Mrs. lefty is somewhat similar to shopping with a small busload of first graders: I need a drink. I need to go to the bathroom. I'm hungry. Are we there yet? I wanna go home. I miss the doggie. I need a cigarette. WARNING: this bus stops every 10 feet.
Hey, this place has hot beverages - let's get one. Mrs. lefty is a smart woman, and suggested we wait til after shopping because we'd have to keep moving our masks. I $*#&ing hate masks. This is why I don't go shopping anymore. No, I'm not having a straw hole installed in my mask. Has anyone seen any studies on people dying with masks on? Asphyxiation - lack of oxygen. People work with these things on - do they breathe through their ears? It's like breathing through your nipples and putting a bra on.
Mom needed 2 items, so I knew this was going to be a long trip. Mrs. lefty kept asking if she could just look at this... and that... and this... and that. Mom and I already have the patience of a hallucinating meth addict, so I knew things were going to get 'interesting.' I tried. I honestly tried. It was for Mom. I had to keep guiding her along because her daughter-in-law tended to rocket all over the place, barely out of sight.
After we had seen most of the store, we suddenly arrived at Mom's stop. NOBODY TOLD ME SHE NEEDED UNDERWEAR. Thank God Mrs. lefty was there: they communicate well. In fact, the goofier one of them gets, the better the other communicates with them. I refuse to do that math. There is one display rack of socks, about 10' wide. You can have any socks you want, so long as they're nuclear pink and don't come up to your ankles. I don't want to exaggerate - they also had nuclear green and a few shades of plaid I've never seen before in my life. I just can't see a woman of dementia age wearing nuclear pink socks, unless she asked for them. We are in a huge department store with 2 floors, and we CANNOT GET SOCKS AT ARGET.
Next up was underwear. Mrs. lefty went right to work and I went right to hide. Mom just kinda stood there. Mrs. lefty would hold up a package and Mom would look at them and find something wrong. This wasn't helped by the size conundrum. Mom said she wears Medium. Naturally there is not a single package labeled medium - just numbers. If this were just Mom and me, I would have run screaming from the building. Who am I kidding - if it were just Mom and me, I'd wait for my wife to be available. I'd have to get an employee to accompany us everywhere we went, to explain things like Medium to Numbers. They obviously know men won't be shopping in this aisle. It's like them damn Europeans, with their size 44 shoes and size zero underwear. Don't like our sizing scheme? We'll just think up another. Nothing means anything except the price tag.
This entire operation was fraught with terror. I actually heard the phrase, "These are the ones you get at Victoria's." I wanted to hide. Anywhere. Perhaps the tools section. There is no Granny Panties section. This operation took about 30 minutes. While this was going on, the same lady passed 3 times. I was beginning to think something was up but she was only talking to Mrs. lefty. Good thing - I prefer my women under 300lbs and without a shaved head. Speaking of which, when Mrs. lefty went to the restroom, some lady asked to touch her boots. She said she wasn't a loonie, but I'm still not sure.
Then Mrs. lefty went to the Clearance Rack. In case you haven't seen a Clearance Rack, this is where there are hundreds of items on racks. You pick one up, then throw it on the floor. During the holidays, their teeth grow sharp and pointy, and they foam at the mouth. I don't claim to understand it, I'm just telling you how it works.
After a few hours, I could stand it no more. Dinner negotiations started. Mom wanted a place I have been to too frequently. The waitress was waaay too chipper. Chipper waitresses bring out my inner executioner. I got my Coke in record time and then it hit me: I ordered a Coke and she brought me a PEPSI. This is heresy. Unacceptable. Even chipper waitresses should know one does not equal the other. Diners should not have to ask if they're getting what they ordered. There are 37 cases in the US of servers being murdered for bringing people Pepsi. The last time I ordered a Mt. Dew and the lady looked at me like I had 3 heads (instead of the usual 2). Well, Mt Dew is a Pepsi product and they had it last time. Other diners get injured when plates go whizzing by their heads and some walk out with forks in their eyes. They observed social distancing, so every other booth wasn't occupied. But since there were a few rows, everybody was 2' from everybody else. Then when you paid, an incredibly surly cash person reminded you to put on your mask. This was the kind of lady who could make 'Good morning' sound threatening. She probably owned the place to be that nasty. I was going to suggest perhaps dealing with the public wasn't for her, but I was dragged out before the words left my mouth. Never mind Mom, babysitting me is a full time job. Just lift up one side of your mouth, lady, in a sad approximation of a smile. They had to bring out a human being to smooth things over
Cashier: that'll be 50 dollars. Sigh.
Human: we'd like to give you a coupon
Cashier: DON'T STAND THERE.
Human: and a discount on your meal
Cashier: I said FIFTY DOLLARS.
Human: anything you order to take home is half price
Every other employee made you feel like they were happy you were there. Perhaps your function is to keep lines down because people were fleeing your area. They were afraid you'd slash their tires from behind the counter. If this lady has a husband, he's probably 3' tall, with a vocabulary consisting of 2 words: Yes, Dear. If he killed himself, it wasn't suicide - it would be ruled a mercy killing. They keep water in ice cube trays near her and it freezes, saving on freezer cost. In the summer, when it hits 94 with 90% humidity, her area is always cold, even when the air conditioning breaks. Her house didn't need air conditioning, but her husband slept with a parka on. A parka and chain mail armor, in case she got madder in her sleep.
You wanna know why I don't go out? It only looks like agoraphobia. It's not me - it's the stupid people I come across. I know this is going to happen again next weekend: I have plans. Anvil sharpening, quality time with my service elephant, Iqbal, pulling dog hair out of the vacuum, pulling nose hair, making sure the dog doesn't feel abandoned, reading my Space Force manual, finally going after those dratted ear hairs (I can feel them growing during the week, out of spite), and a whole bunch of stuff I can't do during the week. Who am I kidding - it's all napping.
By 8:00 I was so frustrated and tired I almost fell asleep sitting up. The only thing that kept me from falling over was the thought of that cashier with flames coming out of her mouth, setting me on fire and burning down the house.
"He died with a mask on"
Today I identify as vanilla pudding
- the cop who allegedly killed George Floyd is about to go on trial. What are the odds of him getting a fair trail? I'm not taking sides - this is a legal question.
- what are the 2 sides looking for in defendants? is there a place on Earth to get a fair trial? will the defense bring up drug use? will the cop be safe anywhere, regardless of outcome? will there be riots? will the judge be naked under his/her robes?
I got to watch my car's Idiot Detector go off the other night. That's the radar detector thing that tells you, when your rearview camera is on, that some idiot is crossing your path. I suspect it needs to be tuned a bit... it also detects 787s and A380s.
- two of David Bowie's Spiders from Mars are still alive
- that is all
And what do you want as your epitaph? What do you want anyone who walks by it to read? Are you neurotic? Do you lay awake nights, worrying about this? I haven't come up with one yet. It doesn't keep me awake. In fact, nothing keeps me awake. I used to jump up when a shadow crossed the room, but I had to develop the ability to sleep through tanks moving up the street because Mrs. lefty jumps in and out of the bed at least 3 times a night. On her good nights. Her therapist said she has the 'mother of all sleep disorders.' She can take enough sleep meds to knock out the entire Space Force, then sit up and watch tv.
How do you want to be known? It really doesn't matter, as only your relatives and friends (maybe) will see it. I guess if you can bring a smile to their faces, it's worth the custom engraving.
- He was left handed and expected the right handed world to bend to him
- Played guitar. Bought too many. They're doing him no good now. Mom was right
- He entertained people (hopefully)
- His phone said "I'm charged" when it got done charging
- He had a blog....
- He didn't come to see you - why are you coming to see him?
- He stayed in a lot. Now it's permanent.
- Moves stuff around your house when you're not looking
- Still holding off going to the dentist
- Microsoft still sucks
- Never got done annoying people
- Watch your foot - he can push this thing over
- Married once - to many people, none of whom wanted to be buried next to him
- fully vaccinated Americans can safely visit unvaccinated family
- ...can socialize together without masks
- ...should visit Dr Fauci
- I know you were waiting for it: Pepe LePew has been canceled. His bit in Space Jam has be excised for promoting 'rape culture.'
- We had no bicycle helmets growing up, but we did have Dr. Seuss and Pepe LePew. Also violent cartoons. It's amazing we made it to adulthood without becoming violent rapists with crashed-in skulls.
We do not expect to send a response.
- Happy Birthday to Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees
- all of my heroes are well past Medicare age. I don't know what to do with that yet
- If it's all the same to you, we'd prefer birds remain on the outside of the house, thank you. We are not starting a bird sanctuary indoors, they're not much of a snack, they make the dog bark, and the trophy wall is full.
It's 2021 and within the next few years, everyone will have a talk show. Live from the "How Is This Still On" department, we have Drew Barrymore and Kelly Clarkson. They should be required to open the shows with train wrecks because the rest of the show certainly is. Either the ladies are medicated, the audience is medicated, or both should be.
The presidents dogs have been removed from the White House over signs of aggression. I think they should stay there. It will send a message to everyone, plus the dogs won't be taken away from their people.
- 'Women suffer concussion too,' says former rugby player
- of course they do - now the question is why bother to continue activities that are likely to provide concussions and traumatic brain injuries?
Unilever drops work 'normal' from beauty products
Its boss said it wanted to create a "more inclusive definition of beauty".
Dove's owner said the editing ban would apply to "body shape, size, proportion and skin colour" and "normal" would be removed from 200 products.
You can drop as many words as you want, but fat isn't normal, no matter how many times you say it is. People who get their heads bashed in also aren't normal. They may be beautiful inside, but that's not what you're selling. SJW crusading virtue-signaling.
- WINNING: a Windows Blue Screen of Death t-shirt. At $13.95, I'm buying a few, plus one for the dog.
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