Your love is like a Hillary Clinton book tour
Who says America has become irrelevant?
Although we've driven 13% less miles during the Flying AIDS, 8% more have died and just under 4.8 million were injured. Even my rudimentary math skills show grave improvement in the stats. Never underestimate the power and derring do of Americans. When most people were under house arrest, the rest got out there and drove more dangerously, solely to keep the stats up, but these brave people went out and improved the stats.
Next week the Highways Administration will release the official figures on road conditions during the Flying AIDS. Unofficially, we hear that, with the 13% decline in ridership, the roads have still managed a 27% decline in drivability. That's 10% above last year's figures. Again, American know-not-how comes through; this time to further ruin your suspension and take out more tires! Beat that, Russia!
Today I identify as an imposter
In addition to my other talents, I have flat feet. They're so flat, the National Institute of Standards and Technology uses them as the standard for flat. Unsatisfied to stop there, I also have clown feet. They're large. They'd be floppy too, but I don't need floppy feet to knock things over and trip on stuff. When I see that box there, I tell myself, "Self, don't kick that box." As I move past the box, I kick it. I see the little space heater and tell myself, "Self, don't kick over that little space heater," as I kick it over. I'm like some kind of really stupid reverse magic act.
- In an historic event, the pope met with the top Iraq Shiite cleric.
- the pope's guards removed 14 knives, 3 automatic rifles, 5 handguns, and 2 explosive devices
We know of my great love for all things Microsoft. It took me 30 minutes to boot up yesterday, late to work. Today I discovered a great feature of Outlook. See if you recognize this:
Boss: Congrats to Buzz, who was promoted to Head Loss Accountant
Person1: Yay Buzz!
Person2: Kick it, Buzz
Person3: You're the right person for the job, Buzz
Person4: You don't have to hit REPLY ALL
Person5: Buzz - you're the MAN
Person6: could you please take me off this list?
Although you're not responsible for coworkers who are too stupid to hit the REPLY button instead of REPLY ALL, you still have to pay for their stupidity. And it happens EVERY TIME. Show a man how to reply and he'll reply once. Teach a man to reply and you'll teach him every time.
Right click on the first message and click IGNORE. It's the best button in any Microsoft product. The entire thread goes away and you'll never see it again. Until the next spate of people hitting REPLY ALL.
Anybody can claim to work with some of the most stupid people on the planet... you have actual proof.
- Comedian Sarah Silverman has apologized to Paris Hilton for jokes she told about Paris going to prison in 2007, at the MTV Movie Awards.
- alleged comedian Kathy Griffin apologized to Paris Hilton for observations she had about Paris in 2003
- alleged comic Paul Reiser apologized to Paris Hilton for thoughts he had about her in 2000
- alleged comic Jerry Seinfeld apologized to Paris Hilton for not making any jokes about her during his entire career
I read an article about buying new pc's. For most normal people, who didn't originally buy anemic machines, there's little use in paying out more. Unless you have a specific reason, of course. I bought a pretty nice main machine, because I tend to keep them for a while. My backup machine is pretty old, but you'd never know it by its performance. I have a really old desktop that I put together years and years ago that still runs fine. Granted, I don't have the drag of Windows, but it would run fine on my main machine and the first backup.
I want to specify that you shouldn't buy anemic machines, unless there's a specific reason. Chromebooks and machines with Celeron chips are throwaways. The Celeron chips make a wheezing noise when they run (no they don't) and you'll notice the 'I think I can' when you ask it to do something. I don't like Chromebooks because they don't do processing and storage locally and Google has access to all your information. Do a lot of research, and make sure you're getting enough processor and RAM for your money. Storage is cheap and can be added later. Get solid state drives - they're much faster. Brand new $300-$500 machines will disappoint you, immediately or soon after.
Oh, and use linux - Windows is not an operating system, it's a virus.
- Brazil's president Jair Bolsonaro has a unique solution to the Flying AIDS spike: He told the people to 'stop whining.'
- That's the kind of progressive thinking you'd never hear from most other countries. Biden should try it.
I just saw a documentary about Charlie Manson's music. And when I say I saw it, I mean I realized what it was and flipped the channel faster than a KPop concert in my living room. The narrator said the music was how Charlie wanted the world to see him.
I gotta be honest - I miss Charlie. He was a never-ending source of amusement, if you got past the mind control, the Charlie-ettes, and killing all those innocent people. What kind of person scrawls a swastika on his forehead, who isn't really a white supremacist? He never showed a minute of remorse for his heinous misdeeds. At least he was honest. You don't see a lot of that with today's mad serial killers. Every time he came up for parole, he said something ridiculous that sent him right back to his comfy cell.
Parole Board: Mr. Manson, how do you feel about the crimes you committed?
Charlie: I'm upset. I feel I could've done more.
But there was another side to Charlie - a musical side. He even got the Beach Boys to record a song of his (Going to Surf City, Gonna Kill Someone). The brief glimpse of his song I saw was a traditional blues called I'm a Trash Dump. The documentary chose to put scenes of huge machinery doing garbage dumpy things in an actual garbage dump. This shows Charlie's fidelity to the blues, his accuracy, and his complete inability to sound like an old black bluesman. In fact it shows his complete inability to sing. But he was faithful to the form and gets some points for it.
There was another side of Charlie than the one which would shove a dagger through your liver if you called him Chuck. A kind side. Every year on his mom's birthday, the prison guards would accompany him to her grave, where he would alternately put flowers on it or piss on it, depending on what the voices were telling him. He did a lot of unpublished work at orphaned children's homes. He visited a new one every week because the previous one asked him to kindly not return. Yes, there is an entire generation of orphans Charlie worked with. You can tell them by the swastikas on their foreheads.
Charlie was a first class gardener. He even had his own little piece of ground at the prison. He became proficient at it from making things look nice after burying the bodies. The warden suspects some of his more troublesome inmates are buried there after they argued with Charlie and disappeared.
Charlie was a master of systems and discipline, always having the other people and inmates do his work: he was an Idea Man. Idea Men don't get their hands dirty. I know this because I too am an Idea Man. A bit of trivia: Charlie couldn't stand the sight of blood, so having underlings worked out really well for him. He also had a giant penis. How do we know this? Women flocked to him, slept with him, and killed for him. How else could he be so magnetic?
Charlie had a few secret bank accounts under different names. He always gave to charities, remaining anonymous because of other names. One of his favorite charities was the Catholic church. It amazed him how they could get away with the things they did without ever paying for it, mostly molesting little boys. He was in awe of this and studied their writings often. He vowed to become a priest, if he could manage to not say something about killing people at his parole hearings.
Another favorite charity was the CIA. They always needed money for black projects and Charlie gave and gave. Something about the organization felt like home to him, but he could never remember what it was. He contributed to many women's charities up until he learned they wouldn't contribute to him. He believed in world peace and always had a feed from the UN when they were discussing it.
Few people know the extent of his devotion to the arts, music aside. He was particularly fond of making paper versions of things. They were all very accurate, astounding everyone around him. He started out with paper airplanes and proceeded to bombers. They took his paper away after they discovered a scale model of Los Angeles under the paper bombers. The prison psychiatrist disagreed, saying it was a safe outlet for his... issues. On occasion, other inmates would slip him some paper, and he'd produce incredibly detailed replicas of guns and knives. This stopped after he kept trying to use them to escape.
When Charlie died, it came as a great surprise to him. He believed he would live forever, and go on to influence generations. He died of a broken heart, after being told the only people scrawling swastikas in their foreheads were the white supremacists.
- By the time we're almost dead, we will all finally be free of our major issues and ready to live life cleanly and easily
They told us there was a suggestion box at work. It was completely anonymous, except for your email name and address. I was going to suggest if there were less messages about This History Month and That History Month, maybe we could get more work done. Every now and then I stop and think, which is a recent accomplishment. This probably wouldn't have been welcomed, just as my suggestion for left handed history month was roundly ignored.
- If I could
walk on water, I would. On Sundays. Near houses of worship
People have no idea how big the Cuomo issue is.
It's not every day I say something like this, but... [sniff]
I too was sexually harassed by Governor Cuomo. [sniff]
He was equal opportunity - he would harass women, men, frogs, random pets, even the homeless.
I don't want to go through the shit show that will be the trial. I feel better because Mrs. lefty went up there and beat the shit out of him (before he had a chance to harass her).
- Idaho had a mask burning rally. It probably lacked the splendor of the 70s bra burnings.
- In Texas, a Mexican restaurant decided to keep its mask rules. Good-natured residents threatened to call ICE on the employees.
In the midst of all the Harry and Megan bulldookey, we need to be reminded to be accepting and loving. I mention this because a study showed bisexual women with straight male partners are least likely to be out. Guys, why limit your partner? For those of you who like to watch, this is the 4th of July. Maybe you can do a deal for a threesome. Accept your partner for who they are.
The previous paragraph was brought to you by Teenage Boys and Men of America.
A 51 year old man died in Ventura County, CA, after colliding with another surfer.
Our hearts go out to the man's family. We're getting closer and closer to outright proof that exercise causes cancer. Have you ever read a headline that says two men died when their couches crashed into each other?
Keeping time with the warnings of violent video games causing violence, an exorcist warned the public on the danger of horror films leading to demonic possession. Taking all this expert advice into account, we should all be watching pr0n, because love and sex could break out.
No comments:
Post a Comment