Your love is like watching 700 Club reruns
Back to the Caveman
Working from home requires all sorts of adjustments, like asking your spouse to do it with you in your chair, so you can say you had sex at work. The closest you get to not getting your soda out of a finicky machine is not having it in the fridge. I no longer get marching bands going past my desk, which is worth whatever it costs. Yes, the last 2 employers had that.
Because we're all forced to use digital meetings, we discover things. The first thing we discover is which one of our coworkers is too stupid to use the MUTE button. I learned by error and error to always keep MUTE engaged because I like having a job. It's infinitely easier to MUTE than keeping my mouth shut. It's easier to get Palestinians to regularly marry Israelis than to keep my mouth shut.
One guy never muted his mic and apparently kept his mic halfway up his nose, so we were treating to his heavy breathing regularly. I emailed and let him know everybody could hear him making the meeting into an obscene phone call, but apparently this wasn't a serious issue for him. I'm not sure, but I think I heard some of the women on the call start to breathe faster when he breathed heavily. These meetings were audio-only, so we didn't get to see pajamas, especially the ones from the people who slept naked.
After a while everyone became comfortable and started letting it all hang out. This came in the form of Mouth Noises. All sorts of grunting, breathing, and throat-clearing. If isolated, it would sound like two cavemen having a conversation. This was especially fun if more than one person wasn't MUTEd.
Employee #1: [throat clear] I was looking at [throat clear], excuse me, I just got up and my voice isn't working yet [throat clear].
[All of this happens while Employee #1 is speaking]
Employee #2: [clearly threatened by Employee #1's noises and asserting dominance, while Employee #1 is speaking] [ahem].
Employee #3: [now triggered by the noises] [teeth suck] [teeth click]
Employee #1: [continuing] I think [throat clear] we need to take a look [throat clear] [ahem] at....
Employee #2: [double ahem]
Employee #3: [grunt] [ahem] [throat clear]
Employee #2: [double throat clear]
Employee #1: and that's why I think [throat clear] [double ahem] we need to look into this.
Boss: I think you have a good idea there. I'll make myself a note to look into it.
Employee #2: [grunt] [double teeth suck]
Employee #3: [teeth click] [teeth suck] [teeth click] [ahem] [double throat clear] [ahem] [teeth click] [teeth suck] [ahem]
Employee #2: I think it's a good idea.
Employee #1: [ahem] [triple throat clear]
Boss: uh-huh [throat clear]
Employee #2: Unh. [ahem] [quadruple throat clear but slowly]
Employee #1: Ahem. [throat clear] [trying out teeth noises and failing]
Employee #3: [teeth click] [teeth suck] [teeth click] [ahem] [double throat clear] [ahem] [teeth click] [double grunt] [ahem]
Boss: I can see it's time to end the meeting. We've all said what needed to be said. [ahem].
It's a good thing everybody else is muted. Half of the people are annoyed at the noise and the other half are wetting their panties with laughter. We were all taught in 2nd grade not to interrupt the speaker, especially with noises, on purpose. Now that we're all (hopefully) long out of 2nd grade, it hasn't become any less funny. If someone gets in a fart noise, we're going to lose it.
Every meeting is recorded, so anybody who missed it can listen back. The staff psychologist and paleontologic language expert have set up a class on Early Speaking.
Employee #1: [throat clear] I was looking at [throat clear], excuse me, I just got up and my voice isn't working yet [throat clear].
Employee #2: [clearly threatened by Employee #1's noises and asserting dominance, while Employee #1 is speaking] [ahem].
Employee #3: [now triggered by the noises] [teeth suck] [teeth click]
Employee #1: [continuing] I think [throat clear] we need to take a look [throat clear] [ahem] at....
In the above example, Employee #1's voice is indeed not awake, but it's compounded by nervousness, causing more noises.
The noises made by others at the same time are subconscious responses to the speaker. Notice how Employee #2 feels threatened. The rest of it is the race for dominance, even when the boss speaks. His title of Boss should be enough to assert dominance all the time, but the lower pitched noises from the others are subconscious challenges, even though they'd never overtly challenge the boss' authority.
Oddly, women do not generally make these noises, unless there's an excess of testosterone in their bloodstream, and they're wearing flannel shirts.
By the end of the meeting, no one has learned anything, but some of the participants need a while to cool down, even if the don't understand why.
And so on.....
Today I identify as that little white particle at the end of hairs that fall out
So that massage parlor shooting... we have more information...
The shooter has a 'sex addiction' and was lashing out at a source of temptation.
This is like making women wear clothes that cover every inch of them so you don't get excited. Once again, personal responsibility. Oh, wait, they're shoring up his court defense, in which the defendant is never responsible for anything.
You realize that if this umm... person gets off, there will be a rash of shootings nationwide. Unfortunately I'm going to be first... I will shoot up a bunch of guitar stores because they were tempting me. Women all over the world will be shooting up shoe stores, which will require armor and 24 hour guards. No Macy's will be safe. The employees of clothing stores will need protection when they go home at night. No one will be safe. Except Burger King.
The shooter also had a passion for guns (inflame the gun grabber crowd) and God. I wonder if the same crew will demand God control.
Customers were calling the spas, checking on the employees. One brought flowers. The Asians are terrified and organizing. Some are considering guns. Some are considering armed guards. The routine at massage parlors is changing for the time being...
- must bring references from friends and relatives before 1st appointment
- metal detectors at the front door - because it's easier to check there than when you have no clothes on
- no surcharge for being tied up during massage - it might become a requirement
- bulletproof vests were briefly considered, but abandoned for fear of nosediving profits... who wants a naked masseuse with a kevlar vest touching you?
- Armed guards must stay outside the rooms, because they sort of affect things negatively when inside
- The Grammys are the latest awards to see a drastic drop in tv ratings
- the people causing the problem are so busy looking in the mirror that they don't notice there is a problem.
- Now, if only the Masked Furry....
Congresspersons are now stocking up on panic buttons and bulletproof vests. I'm chuckling... I would never recommend violence, but these plagues on society are waking up to the fact that their actions (to benefit themselves and their large contributors) have consequences. Rather than bulletproof vests, maybe they need to start listening to their constituents....
The way the 'insurrection' was covered in the world press wasn't exactly accurate. They made it out to be a band of people who were going to war, like 1776 (instead of some yahoos with guns).
President Biden has pledged to name the first black woman to the Supreme Court. This is one issue that has plagued his administration from the start. "Welcome to minority inclusion" is not the basis for running things. Our policy here is the right person for the job, regardless of any other qualification, except death. The president is more of a show than an actor in office.
Tesla is becoming a favorite target, pardon the reference, of this blog. A Tesla on autopilot crashed into a Lansing, Michigan state police car the other day. In a vacuum, the Tesla seems like a really good idea. In reality, however, it has tried to kill its driver, burst into flames, and crashed into other things. Even a person who never studied it, like me, can see it's a danger to the owner, the fire department, the police, pedestrians, other drivers, and anybody who plays Words with Friends.
Can you imagine being the driver?
"Officer, I swear I wasn't aiming for you."
Strangely enough, he got a ticket.
- There are over 3,000 men on death row. There are 60 women.
- Obviously the system needs to be revamped - it's sexist.
Pollution is being blamed for the rising number of boys born with testicles in the wrong place.
Can you imagine the social nightmares these children must endure, having testicles on their face, neck, eyeballs, and glove compartment of their parents' cars?
Ok, the article just mentions undescended testicles.
But just imagine.....
It's getting bad when...
- instead of chocolate covered chocolate bits cereal, you have fruit for breakfast
- my grandmother used to cut up honeydew for me when I was little. Every time I eat honeydew, I remember her.
You knew it was coming.... Marvel reveals its first gay Captain America.
His costume is fabulous!
He prances from building to building, making the city a safer place for designers and trans sports teams.
- Aqua Man is now a lesbian who is afraid of water
- Superman spends all his time questioning his sexuality
- Wonder Woman still has her penis
- and Robin continues to slide down the Bat Pole
I'm trying to imagine Flying AIDS precautions when I was in school.
With class size between 30 and 40, considering social distancing, we'd need to hold class in airplane hangars. With p.a. systems to hear the teacher. Since the recommendation was 20 to a class, we'd need twice the number of airplane hangars and teachers, thus shooting costs through the roof - we didn't get 30-40 child classes for no reason. On the plus side, it would be much easier to get away with things, because the teacher couldn't find you. On the minus side, the pranks will only register to the 4 people around you because you don't get a p.a. system too. You'd need a permit for class clown, and you'd have to stand up at the front of the hangar to perform your mischief, where the p.a. system is. School is hard.
As you'd expect, I was class clown. I didn't require a permit and could operate right from my chair. They tolerated me well because I would always raise my hand to answer stuff. This ran through 12th grade. As it turns out, it ran through my jobs too, where it continues to this day. If my boss ever wonders where it came from, I now have an answer. Class clown --> work clown. Only I have a sore tongue now, from biting down on it, so I don't say the first thing that comes to mind. It took a long time to figure out that it's possible to not say the first thing at work. Like on Ebay, where it took years to realize you can SELL too. It never occurred to me, but that's a different issue that I will not address at the moment.
Not being afraid to speak up is also fun sometimes. If someone calls a meeting and is late, sometimes I'll just go off MUTE and say the meeting is canceled. I also like to give people days off. If they listen to me, that's their problem, not mine. What are they going to do - tell Human Resources it was ok because lefty said so?
An armed man is under arrest for being outside of VP Harris' house. He said he was looking for help. His definition of help must vary from ours. Sure, getting rid of everyone in government is a great idea, but not with guns. CNN is already hard at work, trying to blame Trump for this. Using Photoshop, they put a MAGA hat on him. When asked why Harris, he said "who the hell would go to Delaware for the Bidens?"
Britney Spears is considering a tell-all interview with Oprah.
Ever since the nuclear press over the Meghan and her husband interview, people are lining up to speak to Oprah. Britney feels she can benefit from that kind of press, but moreso the truth the interview will allegedly bring out. Pretty soon, Oprah will become the National Enquirer of interviews, with celebrities lining up to tell all, like..
- Monica Lewinsky - the pre-Bill years and what's gotten into her since
- NASA - it's not our fault - we were ordered to hide interesting pictures
- Michael Jackson's ghost - well.. you know...
- Melania Trump - from beauty queen to FLOTUS - is 1 set of implants all you need? Was it a promotion or demotion?
No comments:
Post a Comment