Welcome to the (nearly) All Alien Edition of ThermionicEmissions
Your love is like a couple of whacks with an axe
Mom: what are you kids doing every day up the mountain?
Kid: we're flagging down aliens to do anal probes on them
Mom: I should know better than to ask you questions
- if you're looking for something to bridge the ages, try a Dunkin frozen hot chocolate. My aged mother drinks more and faster than me
Today I identify as my brother. Small wonder my mother's nuts.
- never mind UFOs - I had a close encounter with the IRS
- you get an anal probe with either
Studies indicate that between 1-6% of people have been abducted by aliens
Studies indicate that 1% of people have multiple personalities
Studies indicate that 10% of people are left handed
Studies indicate that studies are a good field to be in
Over on Reverb.com, the first ever (1952) Fender lefty Telecaster showed up. For $150,000. I looked with great interest, but for some reason, I passed. It went down to $120,000 and I still passed. Just the other day it went to $100,000. Mrs. lefty said I'd need another job, at least. Maybe 3. Today I got a notice that someone put a bid on it. This is designed to make me sit up and take notice, then rush over to Reverb and buy it before it gets away. It's very handy for $50 items, less so for $100,000 items. I honestly don't see myself reacting with an adrenaline dump, saying to myself YOU BETTER GET ONLINE AND MAKE YOUR BID BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE GETS IT!
I told Mrs. lefty that I'd rather have a late 50s lefty Stratocaster, which I can get for considerably less ($17,000 to $70,000). She succeeded in not cracking up while looking at me impassively. Finally it hit me, as all good things do, at 3am. so I had to stifle the I GOT IT. I'm not counting, but there has been an obscene amount of shoes and clothes coming in the past year. None cost even $100. The trick is to bring the guitars in piece by piece, thereby keeping the immediate cost down. Unfortunately this idea crumbles for even a cheap ($20,000) late 50s lefty Stratocaster because they don't break them up. I need to rethink this idea. Or take a 3rd mortgage. And a 4th.
I mentioned documentaries, sometimes of the paranormal, and one of the Latina Trans Beauty Pageant. It used to be just UFOs, the ghosts, then ghost shows. So now it's Bigfoot. There's one on Very Tall Persons, like 7-8-9'. There are bones to prove it. They reference tall persons in religious texts. And the latest, a documentary on sexting. 50 year olds sexting.
As with anything else, one must limit one's self to specific areas or the brain will explode. So I've decided to let Very Tall Persons and 50 year old sexters go without my viewage. They'll do just fine without me. Ok, Bigfoot and trans beauty pageants too. I've been through ghosts and I am an alien, so those are out. So my brain will never be in danger of exploding (from this) and I'm back to WHY WOULD PEOPLE WATCH THESE BIZARRE DOCUMENTARIES? Because they're better than the ones on naked pygmies, putz.
ALIEN LEADER: Tonight's abductions will start over the US, with something called lefty.
ALIEN #1: Oh, he watches a lot of documentaries on us doesn't he?
ALIEN #2: Tonight he gets the real thing
[alien laughter]
lefty: is that you, Honey? 2am is a little early for you to come to bed. No? Penny, please don't hide any dead animal treats under the covers. C'mon, I gotta go to work tomorrow.
ALIEN LEADER: he's supposed to be hypnotized and unable to move by now
ALIEN#1: he isn't
ALIEN LEADER: Thank you for that brilliant bit of analytics. Hypnotize him!
ALIEN#1: we can't
ALIEN LEADER: what do you MEAN you can't?
ALIEN #2: he won't shut up. He keeps asking questions about how we do stuff and being annoyed at the traffic outside for this time of night. He says our saucer makes too much noise.
ALIEN LEADER: Look, we've abducted 250,000 over the last few years. Why is there a problem all of the sudden?
ALIEN #2: he says we'll never be able to do it: you can't hypnotize someone if you can't get them to pay attention for more than a microsecond.
ALIEN #1: he sure asks a lot of questions. He's giving us a lot of crap for making Barney Hill cry. He wants to know if we're left handed and what makes us think we can pop into people's bedrooms and make off with them. He also says that if he's forced to have sex with our women, he's using a condom, because he doesn't like children.
ALIEN#1: Sir, I think we shouldn't bother with this one. I have a feeling he's going to be more trouble than he's worth. We'd do better abducting his dog.
ALIEN #2: do we really need a ship full of hybrid puppies?
ALIEN LEADER: Agreed. Let's go to California. The variety is endless, provided we don't abduct any freaks. Never mind. New York.
------whoosh-----
IF you get abducted, once you get past the fear and change your pajamas, what do you say?
- do you have AAA?
- I haven't had a vacation in years. Could you drop me back in Bermuda?
- I have a friend who'd appreciate the anal probe way more than me
- when you put me back, please put my underwear on the right way, or my wife will think I'm fooling around
- is there a horn, in case you need to blow off an asshole in a different saucer?
- stop looking at sperm and do something about cancer - make yourself useful
- your sunglasses must be HUGE, yet you have no nose to rest them on
- You guys sure spend a lot of time studying humans. Either you're incredibly stupid or incredibly kinky. And what's with the cows?
- How come the ladies don't have a mouth or ears, but have a vagina? OH.
We interrupt our All Alien Issue for a complaint and request for assistance.
It's Mrs. lefty's phone. It's set so loud, people Iraq hear it. People in the cemetery hear it. The Space Station has reported hearing it. Unfortunately, when she goes to bed, she leaves it out, because she doesn't want it to disturb her. So it disturbs ME. Imagine a nice spring day. Just a few birds chirping. The loudest noise is the keys on my laptop, as I put together something for the blog. All of the sudden: RINNNNG RINNNNGGGG BLARGITY RINNNNG BEAT BEAT RINNNNNNG. The dog and I are now firmly attached to the ceiling, upside down, hoping we can hold on til we figure out how to get down without broken paws.
If I wanted to be sneaky, I could set the phone to ring quietly whenever she wasn't holding it. This would take care of my problem immediately, but if she discovered it, I'd be the first ever Cell Phone Beating death. She can't set it to ring less frighteningly after certain times, because she never knows when she'll be up. It's 3pm and the phone just made me change my underwear. She can't take the phone to bed with her because she won't remember to. If I follow the phone and lower the ringer, she'll just hide it on me, almost like she enjoys giving me PTSD.
I ask you, dear readers, if you have any suggestions, please leave them in the comments. I have only one nerve left, and it's fraying.
- The WHO says animals likely the source of the Flying AIDS
- they urge you to tune in next week, when there will be a different guess
Since it's March somethingorother, it's Passover for the Jews.
Why March?
Because it's not April.
Passover occurs in April sometimes, but no one knows why. Perhaps aliens.
I looked up when it started. There is a website for everything. It starts Sunday.
But the Jewish people are tricky: the holidays start at sundown the previous evening, so the calendars are never right. Perhaps they have something against calendar makers, I dunno. The smartest way to tell when Passover is approaching is to observe the Jewish section of the supermarket. It pops up out of nowhere, like farts at an important business meeting. The supermarket people are wise, and have a way of letting people know what they can and can't eat at Passover. They have huge rolls of stickers that say Kosher for Passover, and run around the store, applying them to soda and canned chicken. Nobody knows why soda wouldn't be kosher in the first place, but they appreciate the fine work the supermarket staff does. You're probably asking yourself what the store does with the leftover matzoh it doesn't sell. It puts them out the next year, because nobody will know the difference. Get your 2021 2022 matzoh - fresh!
Passover is when the Easter Bunny painted the houses of the Jews, in a particularly camouflaged pepto pink, then led them around the desert for years and years, because there were no maps at the time. Because they were always on the march and forgot to bring their ovens, they couldn't bake bread. God was very mad about this and punished them with matzoh. Matzoh is a kind of Jewish cracker, which is almost flavorless, and sucks up every bit of moisture in your mouth when eaten. The best thing to do with matzoh is not eat it. In fact, nutritionists recommend eating the cardboard container it comes in, as it has better flavor and more fiber.
As a result, Jews cannot eat bread during Passover.
To give you an idea of how solemn a holiday it is, this means you can't have pizza.
In a failed attempt to give the matzoh some flavor, some deep-fry it. This produced deep-fried matzoh bits. It's very confusing, and tastes nothing like you get down south, where they deep fry anything that will sit still long enough, like Oreos, chairs, and refrigerators. Some make matzoh pizza and other equally nauseating treats. Face it, folks... you're fooling yourself - like marriage.
I asked the Neighborhood Jew why he ate the stuff. He told me it tastes good with butter or peanut butter. If I had to eat the stuff, I'd tell myself it tastes good too, like B vitamins or soap. I ate a lot of soap when I was little.
The smart Jews are like the Observant Catholics, who go to church at Easter and Christmas. They observe Passover at the deli, over corned beef on rye.
Oh yeah, there's also this stuff called gefilta fish. People call it fish and take it on faith (ha!) that it's fish, but it looks, smells, and tastes absolutely nothing like fish. It is eaten with purple-ish horseradish that leaves no doubt as to what it is. If you were to sniff the jar of this horseradish, you'd never grow nose hair, or much other hair, ever again. Smoke would come out your ears, like a Roadrunner cartoon. But the fish.... it's kinda like plant burgers - you don't know what's in them. At least the plant burgers allegedly taste sort of like a burger, which is more than can be said for the fish. It's like the SPAM of fish. It comes in a jar, which I can safely say is like no other fish. It's roughly poop-shaped, which should serve as a warning. It's kinda cratered, like the Moon. While it has 100% more flavor than matzoh, so does liver. It is also eaten once a year, for obvious reasons.
I don't know why so many people hate the Jews: I feel sorry for them.
Today's Poll
How many seconds before I hear from the Anti Defamation League?
- 5
- 10
- they were on the phone before this was posted
The court ruled in favor of a "devout Christian" professor who was disciplined because he "refused to refer to students by their 'preferred pronouns.'"
He should have gotten the death penalty for something this serious.
The court held that university officials and a lower federal district court failed to recognize the professor’s First Amendment rights to free speech and to the free exercise of his religion. By so holding, the court decried the notion that a university might “wield alarming power to compel ideological conformity.”
Whoo.. this is a rough one....
His complaint was that he didn't want to address children by their preferred gender identity.
Is he really this religiously addled?
Has the school gone this far insane that this is an offense at all?
Apparently the grievous offense was referring to an outward-appearing male as Sir. The student "demanded" to be referred to as a woman and use "feminine titles and pronouns."
The teacher believes his sincerely held religious beliefs prevented him from communicating messages about gender identity that he believes are false.
Although I have no religious objection, I believe that pronouns are stupid. I guess I'd have to pick up a religious objection quickly, if I wanted to win a case. I'm sure the Flying Spaghetti Monster could come up with something.
Well... this is a state institution, so the state has to be very careful. If it were some other, non-state school, it wouldn't be an issue. This is too nuanced for me.
Contrast this to the shootings on spring break in Virginia.
- The HMS Stupid is still stuck in the Panama Canal
- worldwide shipping has been affected
- to partially offset costs, the ship has opened an onboard restaurant, with naked dancing
The biggest expansion of the federal government in a generation is
underway, a pandemic-inspired shift in resources and responsibilities
that will challenge President Biden and the Democrats to demonstrate
that they can make government work.
Thanks, Joe, and those that elected him. Once again, we're going in the wrong direction and it will cost us, both in terms of money and liberties. It's not that we don't learn, it's that we flat out refuse to learn.
- Lifeguards in LA can earn up to $392,000. Who do they think they are - Anthony Fauci?
The US Strategic Command tweeted ";l;;gmlxzssaw" the other day.
30 minutes later they took it down.
- This was a test of the Nuclear Command. If it had been a real alert, you'd have been dead way before we retracted the alert.
- We was just foolin'
- This social media thing is just waaaay beyond us
- the Captain fell on the keyboard while doing his secretary
- incoming from Hawaii!
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