Your love is like a minor case of Ebola
Today I identify as a Smores Pop Tart
- I always thought lip-biting was stupid, until she did it...
Whenever Philly is in the news, you can bet your salary it's not good....
- there was a fatal shooting at the Philadelphia Mills Mall (Franklin Mills)
- the food isn't that bad...
- victim in attempted carjacking shoots 14 year old suspect
- the police can't protect you - this is why you need guns
- police found human remains inside a trash bag in the back of a U-Haul during a traffic stop
- they were upset because they were looking for drugs
- a man died when his motorcycle struck a firehose and threw him 300'
- repeat after me: we do not fight fires with motorcyclists
- A biology professor at Temple University in Philadelphia is asking his neighbors to give him samples of their poop to help fight "gentrification and irresponsible development.”
- This obviously
- seemed like a good idea to somebody. poop: second only to farts
Could we possibly be nice to Asians - or at least not kick them in the stomach?
The rank stupidity of this action is astounding. She was 65 and construction workers stood by as it was happening. I'd love to say we can't be that moronic, but I can't.
The assailant was black. He shouldn't be beating Asians - he should be thankful they're taking the heat from him for a while....
I know people are stupid, but I never thought they were this ignorant and uneducated.
The perp was caught. He was out on bail for killing his mother.
Somewhere, the ghost of Charlie Manson is snickering.
- You think you're unlucky? A new Mexico man came back from his shopping trip and found 15,000 bees in his back seat.
- they were practicing their acceptance speeches for the Oscars
- they were relocated, with only one sting
- the man is starting to wonder if he's bee-sexual, and thinking about exploring this side of himself
Flying AIDS news
The CDC director forecasts 'impending doom'
Next door, the WHO is triumphant with the progress being made
Anthony Fauci, America's Doctor, is at Disneyland
Big Pharma says new vaccines will be needed next year
President Biden has created a Department of Flying AIDS, and 14 other government entities, to deal with the pandemic.
- STRATCOM's indecipherable tweet the other day was produced by a child, who accessed the keyboard of an adult, who left it unlocked
- of course he did
- in Biden's $4 trillion tax increase, are we going to get competent employees?
The Chauvin trial hit day 2.
I predict a lonnnnng trial. A long, boring trial. A long, boring trial that people will watch, some proclaiming themselves legal beagles. Johnny Cochran's firm will go with the 'if the knee pad fits' defense
There is no way this is going to work out well. If convicted, people will celebrate. If found not guilty, people will riot. It's possible these will look the same.
People are rapidly losing the ability to procreate. Will be infertile by 2045.
God, the aliens, science has made an informed decision.
IMPORTANT: we must practice boom boom so it doesn't disappear - start now
- an Italian gangster was caught after he posted a cooking show to YouTube
- his defense lawyer is going with 'at least it wasn't Faceyspaces'
The Suez Canal is now opened, having removed the stuck ship.
The traffic jam is 47 ships long. Officials are handing out care packages with chips, peanut butter crackers, and condoms.
Best Headline:
'I catch rats for a living and couldn’t be happier'Before you send out an email talking about yourself, consider your audience. More than likely, they just. don't. care. If the email references being male, female, Kamala Harris, black, or any of the XXX History Months, think very carefully. Put it in your drafts file for 27 hours before you send it. Better yet, put it in your deleted folder. Or you could just print it out and stick it up a convenient nostril (preferably yours).
Godzilla vs Kong
I checked and it's a current release. Cuz I thought maybe we had regressed to the 70s. If we manage time travel, please, not for this reason. I hope this doesn't further upset the idiots assaulting Asians. If this movie does well, expect Godzilla vs Trump.
- the NFL has added 12 games to the season, because "it makes us even more money"
I remember during a visit to the Happy Place<tm>, I took the still-missed Marshall up to visit his mommy. The entire unit came to a screeching halt and the minders unlocked the door so everybody could come out and see him. We watched people who were creating havoc on the unit become little children and line up to pet the dog. He was not a therapy dog, but on that day, he was.
- the Bidens' dog Major, after being sent for training, bit again in the White House. Asked for comment, Biden said, "Well... I guess the training didn't work. He will not be going to Disney this year."
Mrs. lefty is watching the Home Mortgage Network, which is normal.
She told me about these shoes, Jimmy Choo's, which cost more than guitars.
She won't be getting any, as I reminded her that it's harder to buy 1 pair of $1,000 shoes than 20 pairs of $50 shoes (her method).
Fortunately she has not discovered HSN - the Horse Shopping Network. I suspect this would cause no end of grief.
HER: So I was watching HSN today....
HIM: haven't you had enough of that yet?
HER: No, it's the other one
HIM: the other Home Shopping Network? there's more than one? Am I going to need a 3rd job?
HER: Don't be silly - it's the Horse Shopping Network.
HIM: There's a Horse Shopping Network?
HER: I just found it today.
HIM: How long til you know the names of the presenters and types of horses they present? Hmm.... let's talk leather.
HER: Yeah, about that....
HIM: Ohhh noooo... tell me not again...
HER: I thought I was watching Home Shopping Network and went for the special.
HIM: and what was the special?
HER: Please tell me you're not going to be mad at me...
HIM: That ship sailed after the horses left the barn...
HER: Didn't the doctors say not to mix your metaphors?
HIM: Never mind that, what did you buy this time?
HER: a horse
HIM: a HORSE?
HER: but it's a small horse. It was 80% off - how could I refuse? It was reflexive.
HIM: well, tell them to take it back.
HER: I can't - the special was no returns.
HIM: And what, pray tell, are we going to do with a horse?
HER: It's really cute.
HIM: How does that answer my question? The dog will freak out, thinking it's a Really Big Dog. Before you say anything, it's not sleeping in bed near the dog.
HER: We could keep her in the back yard
HIM: we barely have a back yard. Plus there's probably a law against it. Or the moment the horse shows up, there will be a law against it.
HER: but she's so cute....
HIM: so I heard. We could ride her to the store, then demand every place in the city put up Horse Parking. You know it costs 4 times as much to feed a horse as that tasmanian devil you got last month, on special of course.
HER: I returned it - it didn't look anything like the cartoon.
HIM: I suppose she came with a barn and a lifetime supply of hay.
HER: How did you know? Nah, but she'll fit in the airplane hangar.
HIM: there's no room - I bought another 737 - they're really cheap for some reason
HER: I'll just order a barn. I can do it in 4 payments, no interest.
HIM: I hope it's nice - you might be sleeping there
HIM: Now I have to find the parental blocking function on the tv. I will be the first customer ever to leave pr0n accessible and shopping channels blocked.
- Japan noted the earliest peak of Cherry Blossoms since 812
- Americans are now punching all flowers
Finally... the problem I discovered 10 years ago is now official. AI is sometimes a bit stupid. If I listen to Jeff Beck, suggesting Elvis Costello, the Bangles, Tupac, and Dionne Warwick could be a systematic failure. It's like AI has been hanging with Tommy Chong too long. This isn't one service - it's all of them. That's why I stopped listening. While we're on the subject, I still hold a grudge against the 'random' function of music players. Let's say I have 10G of music on my phone. Why do I hear the same song twice?
Amazon has denied any mistreatment of its employees. It is not making them pee in bottles, eat with chow bags around their heads like horses, scheduling 25 hour shifts, or holding employees' children hostage.
Amazon wants to tell everyone about its improvements in worker treatment. It has lowered shifts from 24 to 23 hours, so employees can sleep, take care of their families, do their shopping, and get their cars inspected.
Employees are voting on unionizing. Amazon fully supports the voice of the traitors employees, and promises firing no retribution. It has no idea where the ballot box keeps disappearing to, or why there are more NO votes than employees.
- Usually really bad civil rights stuff comes from Australia. Credit where it's due: a boys' school has declared mullets "not acceptable". Never mind the declaration coming 15 years too late... I'm waiting til 2035, when man buns will be no-go.
Now that we're past Black History Month and Women's History Month, we're at Trans Visibility Day. They can't possibly mean online visibility because you can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone from the LGBTQ camp. Psychologists are securing funding from the SPCA to study why people swing dead cats.
Why visibility? I don't care what you do at home, provided it's legal and nobody gets hurt (who doesn't want to). I suspect even people who don't like LGBTQ would have much less to say if it weren't all over the place. Just keep government out of it, because it has no place in the house.
Oddly, we haven't received a single email (yet) on Trans Visibility Day at work. Good thing too... I don't really want to know how trans people are continuing the fine tradition of [naming trans people from history]. Ru Paul must be changing her panties at regular intervals.
Still no left handed history month.
English updates itself, generally rather slowly.
It had absolutely no idea it would have to deal with multiples and trans people.
Multiples: they, them, you (plural), you guys, back before you knew there were more of you, when you're pretending there's only one, when you argue at the ice cream store in different voices
Trans: there's a picture of little Annie when.. errr.... he/she was a child. Was little Annie a he when he was Roger? Or does 'she' take over, superseding time?
The first person to mention latinx gets his/her eating privileges suspended.
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