Thursday, April 15, 2021

Episode 4497, in Which the Service Elephant Puts Together Model Cars

 Your love is like  various stomach noises


Mrs. lefty is watching parts of the Chauvin trial, which is moving at the speed of getting the national debt down, so I'm exposed here and there. Lemme tell you, here and there is way too much. I know this happens in law, especially with cases like this. The other night was a winner. I had to listen repeatedly to make sure I heard what I thought I heard. Yes, people, they were 'arguing' over the player used to view the video of the crime. After they settle this, they're going to argue about whether Chauvin is male or female, and is it possible someone switched out a face for his. Whoo wee.


  • hey, folks, there are more Faceyspaces phone numbers leaked, after last week's 500 million.
  • Everybody on Faceyspaces, email me your credit card info, please. All of it. Since you don't care, just give it to me.


Chuck Schumer [D-Goodfernuthin] wants the president to use his Super Powers to cut $50,000 off everybody's student loan.

I didn't go to college (couldn't pass the drinking exam), but as I understand it, you sign on the dotted line for financing, then wind up paying it off into your 60s. No one's arguing this is right, but technically, you're supposed to pay loans back. Will the rest of us get a slice of our car or mortgage loans taken off by magic of the Presidential Pen? I'm going to guess that $50,000 removed from pre-existing loans will need to show up somewhere else. We're not going to like the outcome of this Bernie-like 'solution.' Free everything isn't free.


Today I identify as  a halogen lamp with the illegal bulb



TV Time  

Years back, my wife purchased the last dumb tv. I finally got around to setting it up. Because it's a dumb tv, it doesn't hook to my network or the internet or spy on me in any way (or show me commercials). We no longer have this purchasing option, unfortunately. It doesn't matter to most people, but it matters to us.

It went in smoothly because all I had to run was the power and the input from the cable converter. It works exactly like the last tv, in that the remote works on the cable converter, not the tv. It bypasses the tuner, and runs on channel 3 for everything, just like the last tv. I guess I'd need another type of cable feed to use the tv's tuner but I don't really care. In fact, the picture is nicer, but not life changing. I guess because the tv is older, we're missing advances in picture quality since then. It works, but I'm not knocked on my buttocks and would gladly go back to the previous tv. It has a lot more inputs. Won't I be surprised when I discover the inputs are all HDMI and incompatible with my other devices? Yippie, I can run my laptop through it. The dog is completely unimpressed, except when there's a dog barking onscreen.


  • Remember the ship that got caught in the Suez Canal, causing an international traffic jam bigger than a 60" tv giveaway at Walmart? It's being held hostage until its owner pays $900m in compensation.
  • the insurance company's offer was considered too low, so the country of Suez ordered the ship held
  • the captain was lashed to the whizzen mast, the crew wasn't allowed to come up top, and no one could order McDonalds. Ordering was a show anyway because no one delivers to Suez.
  • anything baked in the kitchen could not go over 300 degrees
  • the microwave ovens were turned off, which got the Red Cross and Amnesty International involved
  • all desserts were verboten, which caused The Great Dessert Riot of 2021. your children will read about it in their history books
  • the irony of a ship paying $4 million to enter the canal and $900 million to leave was lost on most people
  • The 25 member Indian crew is said to be holding up well, especially after Hank Azaria flew in to apologize to each one of them personally, for voicing Apu on the Simpsons. Hank's Apology Tour 2021 will wind up costing him more than his entire lifetime earnings, but money is no matter when you're apologizing. 



The SJW Train Runs You Down

The SJW fight continues on, with an emphasis on computer terms like master/slave and blacklist/whitelist. I hate to say this, but the IRS might want to investigate these people for having an income, and the time to champion this, an incredibly silly cause. Is the world going to be made that much better by confusing terms? Yes, she has a right to, but this is just... a lot of hot air about nothing. I don't think there are many cases for master/slave drives anymore. As for blacklisting/whitelisting, go ahead and change things for everybody who uses a firewall. That shouldn't cause any problem at all. These people are a solution looking for a problem

We are at the point in history where things are reactionary to a ridiculous degree (said people not really having studied this stuff but who like to sound deep). It's almost at a point where it's a competition for who can out-silly the others. Sadly, I believe it will get worse before it gets better. Meanwhile, history will look back, open-mouthed, sometimes giggling, and doing a lot of that head-shaking. History is judgmental. Once the SJWs realize this, they will petition History to not be judgmental.


The Flying AIDS lowered life expectancy by more than a year in 2020, and even more for blacks and latinos. BLM and Antifa are all poised to march, but can't figure out where to march. Stupid Flying AIDS is racist.


CVS Pharmacy got in Deep Doo Doo with LGBTQ for putting "sex assigned at birth" on their vaccine forms. They saw the light and dumped the question. 

I don't care what they put on their forms or what you want to call yourself (the info goes for marketing and for CDC demographics, if you care). But it might matter for certain medical conditions where there is a real distinction between male and female, assigned at birth. Let's say it makes your testes atrophy painfully. Wouldn't everyone with a penis want to know this, as opposed to just people who identify as men? 

CVS: Oh, I'm sorry...uhhh....[looks at form].. ma'am.... since you identify as female, we didn't warn you about this.

LGBTQ: That's not good enough. You must change the notice and put up top, in huge red letters: ATTENTION: anyone who has a penis. You're not very LGBTQ-friendly, are you? Careful or we'll cancel you.


The Federal Reserve System has a diversity problem and needs to change, per a Brookings Institution report. Apparently it can do its job better with more black and other minority people.

(The Fed has to be audited then has to go - Libertarian platform)


For anybody insisting on minority preference hiring, ask them if they're good with United Airlines' 50% black and female hiring plan. Will they fly on United?

I know I have to keep saying this: I don't think any group is smarter or better qualified. My problem is with employers hiring on preference over competence. The Philly Police wanted more black people. Black people weren't passing the test. So they lowered the bar. You do not hire strictly on preference. So long as new hires are every bit as good as existing employees, if not better, who cares if they're green? The constant droning on about Women in IT is the same thing.


The Crazy Lady is back

The bad neighbor. She's now like 496 years old, and has outlived 7 joint implants. She laughs at medical issues and frightens germs away. I'm not positive, but I think we were put next to each other to confound each other. I enjoy confounding her, and it's so easy... I just do nothing, which is largely what I do anyway. This results in not the prettiest house on the block. This bothers her down into her soul, if she came with one or if it hasn't taken flight. She has a hotline to the city enforcement people. This is no secret among the city enforcement people. The topic is usually me. The inspectors roll their eyes, but they're not allowed to tell me who called them. 

The best stories are 2: when I discover an inspector's card and have to call them. There's nothing wrong - 'someone' just complained about standing water in my yard. The standing water was the dog's plastic pool. He laughed.

The second was coming home and seeing her edging my sidewalk. I politely asked what she was doing. She said, "You're doing it wrong!". I got a little agitated and told her it would be a good idea never to do anything to my property, lest those nice people with guns and badges haul her away. It was then I finally realized that there was no need to do anything - I was her ultimate nightmare without doing anything new. Oh, the power.

Recently she got a chauffeured ride to the hospital in one of those large, white vehicles. Whatever she had must have been serious - she was in the hospital for over a week. Insurance doesn't like long hospital stays. The cardiac unit discovered a hollow cavity. She's like the Grinch, but without the sense of humor. Whatever she had, it spontaneously healed one day, when she scared the germs away. She could tour the world to eradicate the Flying AIDS.

Whatever happened recently has me suspicious: she's pretending to like the dog. And me. It's not good when they try to appear human. Mrs. lefty stops by to check on her. I warn her repeatedly to lock down her soul before she goes over. We were both raised well, but I just can't bring myself to be friends with someone who spends her time trying to have my house inspected. I'd probably still call 911 for her, but I have my limits. Mrs. lefty is a much nicer neighbor, having been taught to respect her elders. What her parents left off that education was to only respect them if they were human and under 200 years old. She's the kind of woman you'd see riding a bike in a tornado, with a cane, but evil.

I'm thinking of putting up several dog pools.


Philly News

a stun gun and brass knuckles were found and taken at the airport. This brings the sum total of everything you can use to hijack a plane to about... near... zero. Plus you have to worry about someone thinking they can cause any damage with these.

a couple is accused of stealing over $5,000 in patio furniture from the outside area of the Bonefish Grill. They were caught when they opened their own Blonefish Grill.


In Montgomery County, Abington Township police say they’re seeing more reckless driving, during the pandemic and that is despite red light cameras at dangerous intersections.

and there we go. 


  • The average woman pops 4153 pimples in her lifetime.
  • Who counted? 
  • What about men?  I'll tell you.... here are the no-nos: popping pimples, taking long hot showers, not washing face before bed



You wanna find out what your government is up to? Look at what they complain about...

STAR WARS
China militarizing space by building ‘destructive missiles & lasers’ to ‘blind US spacecraft sensors,’ intel report says

[read in Cartman voice] Waaaahhhh... Mommmm.. China is building destructive missiles and lasers to blind our spacecraft and lasers....

Noooo kitty... those are my Cheesy Poofs! 

 And now you won't be able to get Cartman out of your head for the rest of the day. You're welcome.

But seriously, folks.. we've already militarized space, at very least with Space Force. This is just going to be another weapons race, except this one will require rocket boosters or whatever else they've got going that they forgot to tell us about.


HEADLINE: Man fined for farting on cop argues farts are protected forms of expression


Amazon delivery drivers nationwide have to sign a "biometric consent" form this week that grants the tech behemoth permission to use AI-powered cameras to access drivers' location, movement, and biometric data. 

And if you don't sign - you're fired. Last week it came out that some drivers were forced to pee in a bottle.

This is the way the company treats its workers. Imagine what they do with you and your data. You'd be surprised what you can find on Ebay and other places. Buy local first.


  • Speaking of which: how to protect your privacy while signing up for a Flying AIDS shot online.


An advisory committee for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention declined to vote on the fate of Johnson & Johnson’s COVID-19 vaccine Wednesday, likely leaving in place a pause on the vaccine’s use until the committee reconvenes in seven to 10 days.

Yup.


  • a test of 59 people showed psilocybin (magic mushrooms) compound is 'promising' for depression
  • My life hurts. [eats mushroom] Wow, man, everything has such colors. My mom has turned into a great horned beast, walking up the steps backwards. Depression? Oh, man, I forgot I was depressed.
  • Mushrooms may not be available during work hours.
  • the follow-up, 6 months down the road, may produce different results, as many antidepressants can take a long time to show any benefit


Parents are outraged after school students set up a group chat assigning prices to their black peers.

The students shouldn't have been disciplined over this. They should have been disciplined over not thinking the stunt would somehow backfire.



Sometimes I just want to be John Cleese. Talent aside, he has the world's best reaction shots. He looks horribly confused and walks around, stunned. Sometimes I feel like that. You do too - admit it.

HER: ok, we need to get a shopping list together. I know we need soda.
HIM: and some bread
HER: I have that down already.

[days pass]

HER: I haven't been able to get to the store. I need to make a list.
HIM: What happened to the last list?
HER: It's around here. Somewhere.
HIM: [reaction shot] Then why do we need a new list?
HER: I don't know where the old one is
HIM: My mind tells me we need something, then I tell you. The thought then rockets out of my head, so I can't tell you what we need because I don't remember.
HER: Ok, I'll put together a list.

[calls from store]

HER: Is there a blue pad on the table?
HIM: Yes
HER: Ok, that's where my list is.
HIM: the first list or the second list?
HER: the second list. I'll just wing it.
HIM: when you ask me what we need at the store, is this just your way of getting me to pay attention and have a conversation with you?
HER: No, I need to know what to get at the store.

[home]

HIM: Bob's birthday is Saturday. You might want to write that down.
HER: Yeah, thanks, I have to write that down.
HIM: You're holding your phone book.
HER: No, that's not the right phone book
HIM: how many phone books do you have?
HER: 3
HIM: do they all have the same info in them?
HER: No. Some are in this one, some are in the other ones.
HIM: How can you tell which is in which?
HER: Didn't the doctors tell you to stop harassing me?
HIM: Ok. You could also put it in your phone.
HER:   LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

HIM: your mother called
HER: What did she say?
HIM: Nothing.
HER: How many times did she call in a row?
HIM: Just once. You know, I told her I'm always happy to speak with her, but work hours are rough. Don't call unless she's on fire.
HER: Did she leave a voicemail?
HIM: No. 
HER: I guess she's not on fire then.

HER: hey, did you hear there's a new thing in browsers? It's like the Do Not Call registry but it's new.
HIM: how well did the Do Not Call thing work?
HER: Not at all.
HIM: so why does anyone think the new system, that's like the old system, will work?
HER: I'm just saying
HIM: I hear you
HER: I'm just saying
HIM: Will you stop saying, please?


HIM: Teams got me again yesterday.
HER: How did it get you?
HIM: I told it to show I was busy then promptly forgot to set it to In Office. Every damn day.
HER: Slaving over a hot keyboard every day can do that to you.








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