Your love is like a ride in the dryer
Oh shit, I smell pineapple.
The problem, as I see it, is that there is no pineapple around. I will go so far as to say there is no pineapple in the house. How does this happen? How the hell should I know?
Maybe I've temporarily fallen into a time loop, and gone back to a time we had pineapple in the house.
Maybe we're being visited by my dear departed Uncle Larry, whose favorite food was pineapple.
Work is not celebrating National Pineapple Month, or at least hasn't sent out any long emails on the history of pineapple.
Maybe the dog has turned up with some. She seems to make stuff appear. I am proud to report that after carrying it around for 3 weeks, the Rice Krispies treat got opened and eaten yesterday.
I'd be much happier if I could smell Mrs. lefty's umm... errrr... parts. Although it would be disappointing if she weren't around when I could smell them.
Today I identify as a multi-million dollar military plane that sucked multi-millions of dollars out of taxpayers.
We watch the computer for different reasons.
My computer watches me.
No, not in an NSA kinda way.... it watches to see what I'm listening to.
If I have a scanner feed on my phone, it notes this. When someone gives me a link to an interesting YouTube guitar video, I put it on. Like magic, my phone comes alive. The scanner feed, which had been silent for 20 minutes, magically comes alive to compete with the YouTube video. Whenever there are two audio sources, they will compete with each other. Then someone else in the house will develop the emergency urge to speak to me about the joys of Law and Order, and how they never lost it, in spite of their 27 spinoff shows. Dick Wolf is magic, and more importantly, rich.
I got a letter from the IRS.
This alone is enough to make one spit out one's pancreas.
We spent a good 65 minutes trying to figure out what it wanted.
It looked like it wanted a page that was like another page we already sent them. But it could've been interpreted a different way. Regardless, we had 23 days to return it. We made the mistake of mailing in our return. Do not do this. I have never had a request from the IRS in all the years I've been filing taxes. IRS request letters are the cause of more divorces than who holds the tv remote.
That solved, we got onto the most recent tax year. And when I say most recent year, I mean the actual transaction year. If you're doing your 2020 taxes, you're filing from 2019. If you're doing your 2019 taxes, you're filing for 2020. Or something like that. I could feel the temperature in the room rapidly rising to that semi-nuclear state, while we argued about things being off one year, or two years, if you mail it in, or three years if you get a tank and drop it off at the front door. There's a processing center close by, so naturally we had to mail the return to the other side of the state.
Some of us use pharmaceuticals. The pharmacy is kind enough to run us off a tax document with everything we purchased. I have to pick it up because she can't pick it up. Physically.
We're getting to the time when something expensive breaks. How do I know? Tax return money. Every year for 15 years, we dedicated the tax return to buying a new sofa. And every year for 15 years, something else has come up to snarf the tax return money. I think my couch has put a spell on me. Don't get me wrong - I love that couch. It's just that when I sit on it, I sag to the floor. It takes a week at the chiropractor to fix the damage, so I rarely get off the couch. Or at least that's what I tell everybody. I just ... like... sitting.
It's almost the 15th - get your taxes submitted (electronically). If you don't give the IRS what they want, your life will be unlivable (worse than a pissed off spouse). Another department that will be shut down when libertarians get into office.
- The Scientific Coalition for UAP Studies has petitioned John Warner and Marco Rubio for all the information about UAP/UFOs. They are concerned about these craft penetrating our airspace.
- Upcoming UFO report will be 'difficult to explain,' former national intelligence office says.
- This should be fun...
Once again, Minneapolis is in the news for police shooting a black man. I wasn't there, but the copcam will show us what happened. I'm amazed they can shoot anybody, with that accent.
I have some advice for you. All of you. Black and white. Male and female. Person or alien. When the police tell you to do something, DO IT. In no way am I suggesting the police are correct shooting somebody for no apparent reason, or where less lethal methods can be deployed. But follow orders, valid or not. It will show up on copcam. We already know some cops are... bad. Don't antagonize them. The life you save may be your own.
Naturally BLM was out in a flash.
I think the police can learn a lot from the looters peaceful protesters, who are out buying the head of BLM more houses. How to peacefully loot contributors to your cause. How to get to a scene immediately. How to find spray paint at 2am. The protesters are all smartly attired in the latest tear gas masks, silly rain boots, and the occasional saran wrap. No one knows why. It is very important to get your Looter Chic on before being caught on camera. There is a markedly lower number of crackers, probably because of the rain. Maybe they have jobs.
Social distancing and masks were not seen in great amounts, which would normally bring on a riot of police. Maybe police can set up a vaccination station, to deflect violence. Some orange juice. Maybe a donut. Grape soda.
It's nice to see black and white coming together. Black people welcome the help but insist that any rhythmic banging or chanting be done only by black people, as white people have no rhythm. One black lady was making a horrible cacophony with her half-empty milk container. Or maybe she thought she was.
There is a female news anchor in Brooklyn Center, MN (Fox?), called Daytona. How many blonde Daytonas do you know? I'll bet she was conceived after a race. Maybe during. Let's listen in on how she and the male presenter try to come up with stuff to say after being on-air for 8 hours. They're covering crowd control now. News persons have to be experts on everything. The male mentioned there hasn't been anything between the 2 sides, because that would send his ratings through the roof.
The police person has been identified and said she thought she was reaching for her taser but it was her gun. Ummm...... did someone make the handles identical on purpose? To be fair, she yelled "taser taser taser!" The police promise to release the camera footage momentarily. Unfortunately, they're releasing it through NASA, so the shooting will be Photoshopped out.
As we watch, it's 2 hours after the curfew. Curfews are fun. They apply randomly, but generally not at all. It's like the city officials saying "Do not cross this line. Now, do not cross this line."
At some point, the riot is declared an unlawful assembly. I cannot tell you how, in 12 years of public school, I wanted to declare assemblies unlawful. I did a lot of stuff in school, but never pulled this one off. I used to move stuff around. It was a social experiment: taking a ladder from one floor and moving it to another, without anyone saying anything. Except for that one time, no one was using them at the moment.
School was horrid, especially high school. And you know what happens when you put semi-intelligent kids into a boring environment, right?? They invent their own fun. My class was the reason the fence around the school was raised from its original four feet to nine feet. Last time I went by, I thought I saw razor wire (Stalag 19.5). I know they kept trying to shut down the pizza place, but it was a legit business, and if students happened to want a decent pie for lunch, they went there. It took a while to figure out why the employees all had long pinky nails, but we were young and stupid. Or young and getting ourselves stupid. We attended Ben Franklin High School and Pharmaceutical Outlet and we were proud. It's a good thing we all graduated because we started to hear stories about heroin. The school was on a street that divided Little Russia from Little Israel. It was a few blocks away from the street that divided everyone from Little Israel. It was strangely divided, but nobody really cared - just their parents. I was bused in from 20 miles away. Nobody knows why. Probably because the only high school near me was Catholic and they wouldn't have me. They wouldn't let me put my name in the yearbook as Andy Christ. Nor would the public school, now that I think of it. Putting somebody good looking as my picture was also verboten. This is but a tiny reason why we didn't get along.
So stop looting, ok?
- Happy Birthday - Lowell George and Tiny Tim
- Actor Hank Azaria feels he needs to apologize to every single Indian person for voicing Apu on the Simpsons
- did he feel he wasn't accurate enough?
'Oh, we're going to give a couple bonuses' and all of these things, but we are not addressing the very grassroots-level issues that could probably prevent so many other things like a George Floyd from happening."
Huh? The grass roots aren't in a store. The stores don't force people to steal. Take some responsibility. This completely negates everyone who is honest and works for a living. Bob borrowed or saved the money to open his own store. He works long hours and tries to be a good neighbor to everybody. Now he should give up some of his hard-earned money to people who steal from him. With the exception of taxes, this is not the way things work.
Look - the stores give to BLM and mandate black hiring, but it's not good enough. What's the endgame here?
- brushing your teeth twice a day can help keep Alzherimer's away.
- and it causes your left testicle to seize
An Asian California man attacked and kidnapped a white woman, in retaliation for all the things white people are doing to Asians. He faces a hate crime charge: the woman was Asian. Two wrongs don't make a better pair of glasses.
- Researchers develop a blood test for depression, bipolar disorder
- this could be a literal life-saver but I have a feeling it might not be definitive
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