Tonight: When Holidays COLLIDE

 Your love is like the return of an exterminated plague that killed millions

This is a great time for Catholics and Jews all over the world, with the collisions of Passover and Easter.

If you're Catholic, you don't need me to tell you that it's Decent Thursday, Good Friday, Great Saturday and Candy Day. My coworker straightened me on on Stations of the Cross not including Philadelphia, Delaware, and New Jersey. There's something about people chasing people around with switches in both religions, but that might be the Adult Holiday we don't talk about in front of the kids.

As usual, the Jewish kids lose out at this time, because they can only eat kosher candy. Nobody's entirely sure what kosher candy IS, so the results are always wacky and never tasty. Why isn't a 3 Musketeers bar kosher? There's no bread in it (I hope). The real losers are the Jewish kids whose birthdays fall during Passover, which means they can't have a cake. There is a sort of cake they can have, but the FDA won't allow it to be called cake. Philly kids can't have soft pretzels. This is why the Jews and Catholics are becoming non-practicing: the holidays are just no fun anymore. This is supposed to be a happy time, about a man nailed to a cross and people wandering around the desert for years. If that's not a day at the fair, I don't know what is. Much like the groundhog, Jesus rose, poked his head around, and hasn't come back since. All we got was the clouds. 

I asked around to find out if the Jews have a hell. As with most other things in Judaism, there are several answers. If you were to ask a rabbi if it got dark after 7pm, he'd say, "Vell, I'm glad you askt. Does the sun come up in the morning?" Reality is just a bad Woody Allen movie.

You could ask a priest if Jews have a hell, and he'd say, "No, they all go to hell because they're not Catholic." Pointing out that Jesus was Jewish just makes the priests hide under furniture til the coast is clear, after which there is candy. I considered Catholicism, but it turns out there's more to it than candy. I also liked the chasing each other around and spanking with palms, but in a more private setting.

So what do we do on Easter?

• Go to the mall and have your kids' pictures taken with a guy on a cross, eating matzoh. Or a local dentist. These are two religions who have learned to get along well together (except when they're little and everybody beats up the Jewish kids).
• go to the mall and shop. Every day is shopping day! If the malls are closed, we're all used to shopping online - Amazon and Ebay never close.
• Catholics eat ham. Jews eat kosher ham. Kosher ham comes from a can and is blessed by a rabbi. Or the guy at the store. Or somebody who is Jewish.
• the depressed get more depressed during the holidays - watch me bring the blog's merry feel to a screeching halt. I can stop a room full of people talking within 3 words.
• Everybody from every religion, and lack of religion, says they get together with family and friends, and that's what's important. Happy Easter.

The cable lobby says it hates Biden plan to expand broadband and lower prices.

They say every one of their customers is happy with the speeds and prices.

Copper wires are a perfect way to deliver internet. If there are no copper wires, why should there be internet?

They added all sorts of surcharges to expand broadband, so why will they be forced to expand broadband?

Besides - running all that wire is expensive and labor-intensive

Biden is a poo poo face

• Wouldn't it be fun if "I'm going to ping you" was what it sounded like?
• I just got a text at work saying they were going to ping me. This is texting someone to tell them you're going to call them. Giving your spouse a slice of bologna to tell them it's dinnertime. 
• On the other hand, putting on a condom to tell someone it's time for sex is perfectly acceptable.

NASA 

NASA has its hands full with the Moon, Mars, and blurring out interesting things from photos. It will take years for any of these missions, but NASA is ready to fly (sorry) with a mission to Blow Stuff Up. I want to work at NASA - I like to blow things up (I think). We're bombed the Moon twice - now it's time to go after an asteroid. NASA - We Blow Stuff Up in Space

A new NASA mission, called the Double Asteroid Redirection Test (DART) [we blow stuff up] mission due for launch this summer, aims to launch a spaceship that will directly punch [like DeNiro wanted to do to Trump] an asteroid. Motherboard reports: The mission's target is an asteroid system called Didymos, which contains two space rocks that orbit each other. In late 2022, DART will forcefully impact [crash into] the smaller asteroid in this system, a tiny moon called Dimorphos, so that scientists can assess the feasibility of knocking any space rocks that threaten Earth off course in the future. [earlier in the week it was announced that we're not in danger of this in the foreseeable future, so we're just practicing because we like to blow stuff up or bomb it off course. it would be really bad if they forgot to ask the inhabitants.] 

If an asteroid blows up in space, does it make a noise?  

Today I identify as  the pixels in your display that won't light up

Residents [in the Canadian province of New Brunswick] first learned of the investigation last week after a leaked memo from the province's public health agency asked physicians to be on the lookout for (neurological) symptoms similar to Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (CJD)

Oh great - now we'll be assaulting Canadians.

If the Canadians are Asian, do we have to assault them twice? 

The Supreme Court unanimously ruled on Thursday that the Federal Communications Commission could relax rules limiting the number of newspapers, radio stations and television stations that a single entity may own in a given market.

Aw, that's nice. We wouldn't want to stop total consolidation of media, would we?

It will also be easier to tell each of them what to print/play/air - total coverage. One viewpoint, one narrative. If you haven't found alternatives, now's a good time.

Mrs. lefty is off visiting for a few days. Good for me - I can finally do all those things I wanted to do, like...

• ummm....
• errr......
• Yeah, those!
• not those
• catch up on napping - last Saturday I only had three 
• definitely not that
• watch pr0n by myself, without her hanging over my shoulder all the time
• visit all my old girlfriends that dumped me 
• cook every meal just for myself
• talk to just me
• wake myself up and complain that I snore

She took the dog because everybody loves the dog. My dog does some kind of hypnosis trick, whereby everybody loves her and she's the most gorgeous dog ever. Well, she is.

God, I'm going to miss her.

(the dog)

Speaking of the dog, she's been carrying a Rice Krispies bar around for a week, like it's her prized possession. It's still wrapped. Last night a shoe fell and she barked at it for 5 minutes. Remember: you can't be the smartest in class if there aren't dummies below you.

Some lady followed Mrs. lefty into a convenience store parking lot to tell her the dog was hanging from the window, paddling to get out, and she made her day.

• I tried to like The Office - I really did. The first time, I really hated it, but since it's one of the most downloaded shows ever, I figured I owed it another shot. So I watched another episode. Hated that also. I had it on in the background while I did something else. Did not like it with a passion. Tried listening while vacuuming. No upward trend. Finally I tried watching it while I wasn't home. Still no change in desirability. 
• It's not the show so much as the Carell character.
• Ok, the show too.
• It is a remake of the British Office. We're really very bad at remakes. Truly terrible. Awesomely awful. Breakingly bad. Horribly hurting. Wonderfully worst and wanting. Surprisingly shitful. Drearily dreadful. Intensely insufficient. 

The FCC is thinking about a dedicated frequency spectrum for private space launches. Although the FCC has become largely useless, they might have a point here. Let's say they decided to share 27MHz with CB....

This is StarX, in orbit

Hey good buddy, what's your 20?

In orbit. Is NASA on this channel?

Hi Starx... Starx... Starx [echo]

We might have an issue...

Your mother has an issue

We're losing air

Get off this channel, f-head. There's smokies up ahead.

HI YO, IT'S THE BLUE BOMBER, COMIN ATCHA [illegal amplifier] 

Isn't this the emergency channel?

Yeah - get off - we're taking it over to discuss moonshine delivery 

Ok, give them their own spectrum.

hey - is that Dr. Fauci?