Your love is like slamming a random body part in the car door
Americans are now leaving the house more than before the Flying AIDS.
Not surprising, but how do we know this? Cell phone data. Haven't we had enough spying?
Cesar Milan wants to help Biden's dogs feel at home in the White House.
Asked for comment, Biden said, "What dogs?"
Today I identify as string
- Cruise lines have been bitten by the Flying AIDS.
- A navy sub has been bitten by bedbugs.
- it's been a problem since March 2020 because McDonnell Douglas doesn't offer bedbug services.
Former Senator Harry Reid, on the topic of UFOs, admits that not hundreds, but thousands of people have seen them.
- Denver could be headed for a record snow storm. Depending on who you assk, they'll get none, a dusting, a foot, two feet, and five feet.
- It will be called a Nor'wester
A Georgetown Law professor was fired for saying that black students are 'plain at the bottom of her class almost every semester'. Her colleague was disciplined for not correcting her.
In other news, two Georgetown Law professors were fired for saying tar is black and 45 more were fired for not correcting them. Two more professors were fired for saying it's black at night. Three for saying their car has black tires. Three professors were given assault charges for saying most laptops were black. Several teaching assistants were jailed for observing cell phones are black when you look at the face. Four were on administrative leave for saying Jimi Hendrix was black. Half of Georgetown Law is up for the death penalty after noting that Oprah is black and interviews people.
- In an attempt to recover from its last place in Best State to Live, Kentucky will be adding some class: The Running of the Pigs
***Attention Wayne Hills Residents***
PORTSMOUTH OHIO
Please stop throwing beer bottles at the drones. They are property of Portsmouth Police Department and they run surveillance on the property for your protection. We repeat, STOP KNOCKING DOWN OUR ANTI-DRUG ACTIVITY DRONES!
GHOST FLUSTERERS
Welcome to our brilliant new ghostbuster show, just like all the old ghostbuster shows. We're throwing another show into the hat because there's not an original thought in Hollywood, so we're piling on. Since ghost shows are getting popular, every network will need at least three.
We're going about it a little differently. Our aim is to poke, trip, or annoy our spectral guests until they appear on camera and leave for good. Actually we don't care whether they leave (that's not good tv), just that they show up.
Team, what do we got?
Well, Bob, we have a letter from Mrs. BJ Toiletcleaner, whose house is conveniently located in the next town over, so we can load up the black rental trucks and head out in a real convoy. She said the effects run the gamut from pushing people down the steps, to throwing them from the attic, to embarrassing them on phone calls, to flaying their friends alive. They're very upset because they got a letter from their development that flaying people alive is against the Home Ownership Agreement, so they want this to stop before they get kicked out of their development.
Ok, we're there.
Jeff - you run wires all over the place. Make sure they're out where people can trip over them.
June - you set up the cameras. The night vision cameras go in rooms with good looking family members.
John - when we're done, you'll do a video montage of the hottest family members getting undressed and doing stuff under the covers. This will be for group study only.
Joan - you walk around with your boobs hanging out of your shirt, calling out the ghosts. Make sure you're near a camera, in case we need to review this later.
Jim - walk around with some scientific-looking boxes, randomly pointing them at things, looking thoughtful and scientific-like.
Jane - you put the Bleep machine on a table. Don't forget the Bloop machine, and the one that makes all that noise like a radio that isn't tuned.
Joe - you work the box that sounds like Satanic reverse noises.
Bubba - you flex, act mean, and dare the ghosts to show up. Get some tattoos if you need to.
I'll call the more attractive members of the family over and explain what we're doing, how we're doing it, and anything else I can make up that sounds good.
Everybody got their stupid hats on? Group fist bump.
Let's GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
- The number of twins has escalated to 1 in 42
- so stop having them, ok?
The first thing I thought of when I heard about the 'stimulus package' was who's going to pay for it. The second things was what kind of pork was included. $7.7 million for people who can't afford broadband. We need to think about pork. We need to think about subsidizing broadband. Is this a good idea?
- Uber and Lyft are working together on a database of drivers who have physically and sexually assaulted riders
- if we need this database, there could possibly be larger problems, no?
- Uber: Your destination and a bloody eye
- Lyft: We'll get you there and we'll get you raped!
- Lyft: We assault you better
- Uber: Sex, whether you want it or not
The Google Play Store suspended #open, a polyamory dating app.
Faceyspaces ad policies banned cartoon cleavage and naked backs.
this is getting ridiculous
- This is the 2nd time in a week I've had something nice to say about Microsoft, so you better call an ambulance: the spellchecker in Office immediately changes 'teh' into 'the', without intervention. This is so small but so big...
ROME (AP) — The Vatican warned Friday that it has nearly 'depleted its
financial reserves from past donations' to cover budget deficits over
recent years, as it urged continued giving from the faithful to keep the
Holy See afloat and Pope Francis’ ministry going.
We wouldn't want them to have to dip into their huge reserves.
Still no word on child molestation.
New trend in home gardens: landscaping to calm anxiety.
Somebody suggested I do some gardening. I asked them what I did wrong to merit that suggestion. Getting my hands dirty is not among my favorite activities. It's not even among my less favorite activities. It's not even on my tolerated activities list. It is supposed to calm you down and is allegedly good for depression. I laugh.
Of course I'm the guy who watched a Tai Chi tape and started yelling at the tv.
HIM: Let me change your credit card info online for you
HER Great, thanks!
HIM: Give me your credit card, please.
------------------- 15 minutes later --------------------
HIM: Ok, I'll get it. Where is it?
HER: In my pocketbook
------------------- goes to pocketbook, pulls out wallet
HIM: ummmm.... it's not in your wallet
HER: It's in my other wallet. On the outside pocket of the pocketbook
HIM: Ok, you have 2 wallets, with some stuff in one and some stuff in the other
HER: [annoyed - I should have known this] YES - it's around the other side, in the zipper pocket
HIM: I see.
I really don't see.
I'm a simple man. Some would say a stupid man.
I have a wallet with all my stuff in it.
She has a pocketbook with a wallet in it and another wallet in it.
I am not capable of understanding why there are 2 wallets, nor what is in each. Do the credit cards get divided up by the first number? Color? Expiration date? Special secret bank number? Does the license go with the bank card? Which one does the buy 1 get 1 free pizza card go in? Blockbuster Video card? Is this all women or just here?
I am reminded of that great saying, by that great person.. who said it:
He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day.
In the beginning, there were the tests. The doctors gave me all sorts of tests. My favorite was Rorschach. That's where they show you ink blots and you tell them what it looks like to you. I think I nailed it.. here are my answers:
- 2 chickens doing the human dance
- a vagina
- Mothman
- another vagina
- a different vagina, with more pronounced labia, perhaps because of excitement
- Buddha, with a Hawaiian shirt, shopping for a new shovel at Walmart
- a vagina with a Caduceus up top, on the way to save a man whose blood pressure is over the top because he isn't taking his medicine
- Freddie Mercury throwing up in Technicolor, with Elton John hiding in the back
- Bigfoot riding a Harley, shopping for the right Les Paul before he goes back out on tour with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Also getting a tattoo because they won't let him onstage without one.
- definitely a vagina, from a left handed lesbian on the east coast, maybe Boston
- 2 banjo players shopping Amazon for some 'lectrical parts for the fridge on their lawn. The one on the left.
- an elephant digging up he ground for truffles and dead bodies
- a vagina making sure not to miss the sale on ironing board covers
I passed my IQ test but failed the Rorschach test. They want me to take it over because they thought I was cheating.
There's a preview function so a blogger can see what it's going to look like before publishing it. Does my blog look like I preview things?
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