What Do You MEAN You're Out of Elephant Chow?

 

Your love is like  shredded rebar pie

This oil gasoline supply chain thing is getting messy. We're out of bbq sauce and ketchup. Gas is sky high. I smell war.

Today I identify as  gender-inappropriate pronouns

• Legally, Russia can’t just take its Space Station and go home
• Legally, Russia can't invade other countries....

I hear my workplace is 'working' on a Pronouns Committee.

Since Wife bought me a filter for my birthday, my first inclination is to Shut The Fsck Up (STFU). Because if I don't STFU, I'll wind up Getting the Fsck Out (GTFO). How, I ask myself, is my company going to achieve better and more efficient performance with pronouns? Perhaps somebody read the book "Achieve Better and Greater Efficiency with Pronouns," (whether or not it exists, which it probably does). I haven't seen the list and would immediately get thrown out if I joined the committee, so here's some suggestions:

• they, they, them  (multiple personalities)
• nfw  (mine)
• no   (everybody else's)
• YO, dey, dem   (anybody from Philly or Jersey)
• hey Shithead  (sometimes mine)
• Just stop it    (general)

The other day was National Goof Off Day. Employers all over the world stopped it from getting out.

• Do you use smart devices? Here is how these appliances spy on you
• Don't buy an Amazon tablet - get an android instead. They're the same, except the Amazon tablet reports everything you do and restricts you a little.

Not smart but clever? The return of 'dumbphones'

for dumb people 

I kid. 

This is a very interesting movement, as a first or second phone.

Give it to your kids as punishment - no social media or other apps. 

Keep yourself in line and/or stop distraction. 

Great for hipsters, after their bag phone loses its cred.

The drawback is that it's a PITA to text, so it's not a device for your elderly relatives. "Push 2 three times for a C." Remember these? 

The people behind Words with Friends have noted the number of players slumping and decided to look for new games.

• Nuclear Weapons with Friends
• Anthrax with Friends
• Hand Grenades with Friends
• EMP with Friends - fry your friends' devices!

Don't you hate it when you're possessed by Satan and the dog's on the couch, humping a pillow?

Flying AIDS News 

Testing for COVID with the sound of a cough? There’s an app for that

Moderna reports good COVID vaccine results for kids <6, plans FDA submission

• Spin’s electric scooters will be available to rent in the Lyft app
• further removing any of that nasty testosterone from the planet... 

Russia's cost of living soars by more than 14%

HA - we've got them beat! 

• Amanda Bynes: Judge ends former actress's nine-year conservatorship
• You know I've got a soft spot for former Disney people who completely lose it publicly (and so many do). Good for you, Amanda. I hope you keep it together.
• Why do so many Disney actresses come unglued? We're way beyond coincidence.

Phoenix Open beer throwing at Scottsdale 'unacceptable' says PGA Tour chief

Hockey comes to golf! 

Blindspots on SUVs, vans, and pickups are bad for pedestrian health

Of course they are. Plus anyone around them can't see through SUVs. 

Google’s Messages app can now handle iMessage reactions, challenges Apple with new features

JFC, this is about the worst news android phone users could get. 

A while back, I notices emojis creeping into texts. I didn't know but this was a warning. Then I noticed "Bob liked ..." reactions. WTF is this and why do I care what Bob liked? It got worse from there. I asked around and found out this was an Apple thing. Of course it was an Apple thing. Texting is SMS - short message service. So we use texting to shorten things like emails. Now we've found a way to shorten texts; with these lovely "liked" buttons and frickin emojis. This blog and my phone have been 100% emoji-free since their inception.

As I mentioned, my phone isn't that busy.

Well now it is.

I have a family text group that communicates semi-regularly. This is good, as it forces me to text (or at least read the texts) and lets everyone know if they should call CSI or the coroner to look for my body.

Unfortunately, like tv and the net, it's largely content-free and only serves to aggravate me. As usual, I am the only one aggravated.

ME: Happy Birthday, Bob.

DING

BOB: thanks

DING

BOB: liked text Happy Birthday

DING

FRAN: liked text Happy Birthday

DING

FRAN: Yeah, happy birthday, Bob!

DING

SUE: liked text Happy Birthday

DING

KEN: cake emoji

DING

FRAN: liked emoji Happy Birthday

DING

IRENE: liked emoji Happy Birthday

Mrs. lefty: they're at it again

Me: PLEASE... not the singing happy birthday emoji

DING

SUE: singing happy birthday emoji

DING

KEN: liked singing happy birthday emoji

DING

FRAN: liked singing happy birthday emoji

Me: please make them stop

Mrs. lefty: they're YOUR fscking family

Me: we better turn the phones off if we want to have any more sex.... what possible good can come from this?

DING

ME: Will you please stfu? I'm trying to have some sex here.

DING

SUSAN: oooh.... TMI

DING

KEN: liked Having sex here

DING

BOB: don't hurt your hand, lefty

DING

ME: I'm sending you an emoji for the first time. If you like it, it will plant a virus on your phone.

DING

FRAN: liked virus on your phone

DING

ALL: hahahaha lefty

DING

ALL: HEY - I can't put emojis into texts - what's wrong???????

DING

ME: liked Can't put emojis into texts