Your love is like painful periods
The Medicare open season commercials are getting out of hand. It was bad enough when there were only the ancient football legends - now it's legit actors. Kelsey Grammer (Frasier) and Danny Glover (I'm gettin too old for this, Riggs) are now appearing, along with Dann Florek (Special Crimes - SUV).
If they really want to make it interesting, they can have a football game with Joe Namath, Joe Thiesman, and Mike Ditka, then line them up against Kelsey, Dann, and Danny. To keep things ultra-relevant, after the first play, all players will be rushed to the hospital and treated, using the insurance they advertise for. You know, with a bunch of men this age, there will be no shortage of injuries, perhaps just getting to the field. You have to figure bone breakage, but we'll figure out a way to make it more interesting, with traumatic brain injury, testicular cancer, and some sexually transmitted diseases. It's not like there will be a 2nd play...
While in the hospital, they can choose a lawyer from the All Day Law Network (any channel). As a special treat, Tom Selleck (Magnum PR) will come in, with his ill-fitting dentures, and talk to them about reverse mortgages. It's about time their heads exploded, instead of ours...
- The most Shazam-ed songs, top 10
- I don't know a single one of them, but I have heard of 2 of the artists
- 'Music' is merely product; the worst so in history
If your place of business is anything like mine (empty), you're likely to run into people doing nasty things, generally in pairs, but not limited to pairs. If you're working from home and run into people doing the mattress dance, it's better that you tell no one.
What do you say to 2 of your coworkers, upon finding them sharing their mutual excitement for partial nudity?
- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was the doorway.
- I see you're not using protection. Any reason?
- Could you just hand me a stapler, please? Don't hurt yourself.
- Since I'm here already, mind if I watch?
- There appears to be an opening for at least 1 more.....
- Ooh, I had the room reserved for this time - should I come back in 15?
- Yer gonna need more lube for that...
Today I identify as a new medicine in a tv ad that can possibly kill you or make one of your eyes stare at your left nostril
The war drums are beating over Iran. Or Iraq.. I always forget which. It doesn't really matter - we just rotate them in and out anyway.
- It's not bad enough that Bill Gates was involved in the vaccine: Dolly Parton contributed $1 million. It will forever be known as the vaccine with the biggest tits in the world.
I can't come out today: my virtual firewall got virtually hacked and my smart home has locked me in. Then the police called and asked if I was alive, because someone hacked my Ring.
- Trump fires cybersecurity chief who corrected him over Twitter
- Also fired EPA chief who reminded him sky was blue and grass green over Faceyspaces.
If you're still running Win95 or Win98, and who among us isn't, you might consider this combo mouse/phone. Huh? You sound muffled. Stop mousing while you're talking to me, young man.
- Today I'm being spared (I think): outside of my office, I'm hearing a child singing "Rawhide." Still better than Wendy.
We go to houses, any houses, and are fascinated by them. Not only are they clean, they're decorated. The two of us have the decorating sense of a category 4 hurricane. No one we know has a 1974 Camaro in their living room, nor a tube tester. Our nod to decorating is a Stevie Ray Vaughan poster on a wall. At least it's held in with 10 penny nails (because we couldn't find the push pins that day).
Apparently we adopted the right dog too: she tends to leave her toys precisely in the way of traffic. She doesn't grasp the basic concept that if we fall and die, she doesn't get fed. She is currently trying to sow marital disharmony by building a wall of toys between us on the couch. Or maybe marital harmony - who knows, in these complex times, when your service elephant can't fly on airlines.
So yeah, decorating.
Most people seem to be born with this gene, and when I say most people, I mean the kinds of people with internal plumbing and external mammalian protuberances. My mom could decorate a bear's 6 month hibernation den and appear on Good Housekeeping. We've been in our house forever and just missed appearing on Hoarders (they rejected us because you can see the carpet). We only tried to get on the show to get some free therapy - you can never have too much. We say "let's decorate" then look at each other with the same blank expression. So far we put up a bizarre picture by a dead person. Mrs lefty has a thing, and this may be her only nod toward decorating, for mobiles. Mrs lefty, however, does not understand 'less is more' and hung 6 of them, so every time there's a breeze, we have to get out the hearing protection. I have no delusions... my idea of decorating is taking the clean clothes to the bedroom after the dog rolls around in them. One day we realized we like the Southwest, so we should do something with salmon and turquoise. That concept is... still... umm... pending. Yeah, pending, that's the word. We're partially in luck because the house was smartly constructed not to get any light, at any time of day or in any season. Plus we get no guests because anyone who's been here before is scared and won't return.
Iqbal, my service elephant, is about as graceful and coordinated as the rest of us, so he tends to step on stuff and knock things off walls. There are so many projects I can take on when I retire in 70 years, but home design terrifies me the most. I'm fine playing with 600 volts, but don't ask me about paint. Or worse, painting. I'd rather chew my painting arm off.
Does one purchase decorating skills? Are we missing them because we're so talented in other areas (even though we don't know what they are)? Ok, I do have one single bit of knowledge: you locate the couch across from the tv and never block the way to the kitchen. If you have a large red Craftsman air compressor in your front room (my friend does), put it in the middle because it's funny to watch people trip over it. Make sure the tube tester color matches. If you're displaying a Leslie (500lb box with a rotating speaker), get the wood one, for heaven's sake - no one wants gray covering in their living room. If you're hanging guitars, there is a matter of minor importance: attach the hanger to a stud.. gravity is not good to guitars.
- Now's a very silly time to live in California.
- It's always silly in California, you say?
- Now residents have to wear masks outside their residences.
- I'd get out now, before you have to wear masks in your house.
Dear lefty
- Is it ok to fart in bed?
- Not if there's no one else to appreciate it
I need to get out more. Or maybe I don't.
My phone rings 2 times a week (43 if you count spam). I get very little email, except from Guitar Center and the clinic. Not only do I hear about their sales, I know when their employees go to the bathroom. If I filtered out their emails, it would be days before I received another email. I have 2 friends. I barely need email, except to receive spam. Not only do I barely get out, I barely exist, digitally. Actually I don't exist at all. This blog is all written and timed to go out every now and then.
It's working for me!
Whenever your significant other talks to you, there's a decision chain. Is this important? Is this important now? Is it from Faceyspaces or does it involve her friends or family?
Once you have worked through the necessary questions and come up with your answer, you can get to the important task of listening. Or, more importantly, looking like you're listening. One cannot play down the importance of appearing to listen - it's essential to your relationship.
"OMG, look at what I found on Faceyspaces today."
Your key word is Faceyspaces. You can safely switch off. I saved 17 minutes of my life yesterday by switching off.
"My SISTER...."
You don't even need the whole sentence here. The word sister or the inflection should tell you all you don't need to know.
"I was watching Wendy this morning..."
Watching is your Warning Word: you know you're about to hear your key word. In this case, it doesn't even matter that you're switching off - they're going to keep on talking. You can count to 150, out loud, and they won't stop. When you say you're not interested in anything Wendy has to say....
"Just sayin..."
But I'm still not interested.
"Just sayin.."
But you won't stop sayin.
"My parents...."
This is a tricky one. Most of the time it's irrelevant, except around your birthday, but never if you hear the word coming. Your best idea is to only switch half off. Maybe every 3rd word. It's up to you what you do when you hear the word going. Since you're likely a guy, just switch off, then if/when it's time to go, claim ignorance, get the requisite "I told you about this" and get written off as a space cadet. Or "you never listen to me," which is, in fact, at least 66% true, but you must never admit this, upon pain of genitals.
Once you are successful, you can apply it all over the place.. boss, siblings, judge...
STOP THE PRESSES
He is apoplectic that there are no black cars.
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