Tuna and Peanut Butter Chili

 

Your love is like  picking a hayride, on a blind date, only to discover you're allergic to hay.

We seem to be having a sports war on tv. We know I'm not a sports guy, but if you've been in front of the Idiot Box at all, you know it's Medicare Open Season. This is the time of year when people are allowed to shoot Medicare recipients. We've been watching the Joe Namath Network, wherein every 5 minutes, Joe pops up on a commercial, talking about Medicare. After 30 or 40 of these, you've about had it, when you notice a commercial featuring Joe Thiesman talking about Medicare. If you watch carefully, you'll eventually catch a commercial featuring Mike Ditka talking about Medicare. It's a full blown Medicare Football Riot. As best I can tell, if you go with a different Medicare insurer, you get free hernia checks, free rides to free hernia checks, and 4 free colonoscopies per year, as well as your choice of Joe Namath, Joe Thiesman, or Mike Ditka. I'd go with Joe Namath, because he's like 94, with jet black hair and new teeth.

lefty's Guide to Voting Machines 

If you haven't mailed off your absentee ballot and you are keen to get out there and vote, you'll need to understand the machines. They're very simple, and I want to make them less simple for everybody, so they can get out there and stay out there a little longer... like a patriotic pain you need to keep touching, even though you shouldn't:

• the R button: indicates the vote was influenced by the Russians
• the F button: similar to the R button, it indicates you get your voting information from Faceyspaces, and shouldn't be allowed near a voting machine
• the C button: shows you stand out from the crowd and get your voting information from China instead of Russia
• the M button: indicates you're part of a Minority group and your vote should count more. It does nothing, but makes you feel (More) superior
• the BLM button: also does nothing, but everything seems to have BLM on it somewhere, and we can't afford to have our polling place burned down please
• the L button: informs the machine's developers you want a left handed voting machine next time - Left Handed Lives Matter
• the Fo button: it's not what you think.. it asks why there's no Food in this here jawn- at least I get a donut when I give blood
• the D button: this is all a bad Dream
• the S button: I don't understand why people are voting for that guy - they're all Savages
• the SP button: could you please change the language to English - I don't know Spanish
• the K button: Kill everyone who doesn't vote like me
• the W button: WTF am I doing here? Why didn't I mail my ballot? I could have stayed home with Wine
• on the way out, there's the FA button: it tests you for the Flying AIDS

Waymo and Daimler vow to bring self-driving trucks to American highways

You'll notice they're not bringing them to Germany, home of Daimler. It should be a real blast on the Autobahn.

The beauty of a self-driving truck is that you don't have to worry about getting out alive if it hits you. 

Today I identify as a hornswagglin' sidewinder

• There's a new site called Blacklight, which will tell you which trackers a site uses. Just put in the site's url and go. Check out a few of your favorite sites.

Think about this:

The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) received almost 2 million complaints from Americans regarding illegal robocalls during the first nine months of 2020.

and this... 

the FTC brought roughly 150 enforcement actions against over 500 companies and 400 individuals since the National Do Not Call Registry started accepting registrations 17 years ago.

It's getting so bad, my service elephant, Iqbal, is getting depressed because he misses the guitar stores too. Even just a mall...

• Here's an important announcement about diabetes: don't get it

We all have that morning: the one where the alarm goes off and you scream like you're in a horror movie. This morning I was dreaming and the alarm went off. It's not like I was having the Vanessa Hudgens dream, or the one where Jimmy Page and I were jamming onstage... it was just a dream. Then the alarm went off, followed by The Scream. It didn't bother Mrs lefty, who puts up with a lot worse on a normal basis. I think I have added power sawing to my sleep talents. This is kinda sad, as I can't do it when I'm awake.

Everybody's stomach growls, even mine. Mine, however, has taken to making noises that don't sound like growls, and it's a bit worrisome. Sometimes it sounds like a cat. We haven't had a cat for a long time. Sometimes almost like a device notification sound. I work with approximately 10 devices that make notification sounds, so that's a bit hairy... I have to keep looking around for which one made that noise.

Oh.

My stomach, like the rest of me, is a wiseass. It's making noises to throw me off and annoy me. It can almost do actual words. You know this is about to become a problem... like a parrot, but with an evil sense of humor....

HER: Are you hungry?

ME: A bit, yes.

STOMACH: MAKE. FOOD. WOMAN.

HER: Huh?

ME: I'm sorry, remember I told you about my stomach? Like everything else in this house, it has a sense of humor.

HER: What do you think we should have?

ME: I was thinking of making something with chicken and vegetables.

STOMACH: BURGERS. BITCH. With BACON.

HER: That was funny the first 23 times.

ME: It's not like I control it.

HER: Sometimes I wonder. Well, it started something - now the kids are screaming for bacon burgers too. You better get at it. Heh heh.

STOMACH: COOKING. WOMAN. JOB.

DOG: Yes - Mommy Mommy Mommy makes it better!

HER: You shut up or no more shrimp treats. Since when do you talk?

DOG: Since you said bacon burgers.

ME: So, I'll just cook the bacon burgers, shall I?

EVERYBODY: YAY!

STOMACH: NOW.

Can't I just be weird in more... normal.. ways?

• To my cousins across the Atlantic: Police will enter homes and break up Christmas dinners if families break lockdown rules - and there will be riots, predicts police commissioner.
• This obviously didn't come from the police. Further, how can they suspect this is going on in a closed house?
• If I were you, I wouldn't want to hear 'but it's for the children' or any other common excuse: once this draconian legislation goes into effect, it won't be repealed. Perhaps some sort of (well-behaved... you're British, you know) riot would be in order.

OH F-CK.... Beverly Hills will close Rodeo Drive on election day and the next day. Well, that about does it. After a long day socially distancing and paying somebody else to vote for you, one needs to go shopping. Rich people will riot! The rest of us will shout, "ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR A T-SHIRT?" like we always do.

Ghislane Maxwell, buddy and part time sperm depository for Jeffrey Epstein, is being strip-searched every 3 hours to prevent a suicide attempt.

That's a rather unique way to deal with a suicidal inmate. Whether you're at the Happy Place<tm> or elsewhere, on suicide watch, someone checks on you every 15 minutes. They must be incredibly serious about Miss Maxwell. Quite frankly, I like this method of avoiding suicide. And hunger. And itchy nose. ThermionicEmissions obtained a copy of the guards' log for the other day:

Noon: strip search, results negative except for fancy bra, evaluating for hanging risk

3:00pm: strip search, results negative except for lacy panties, evaluating for hanging risk.

3:05: turned off all prison video systems to save money

3:10: moved Prisoner Maxwell to random cell, with 100% soundproofing

3:15: extended dinner on Long Island. We locked the prison up, didn't we?

7:00: strip search, results negative, requests tampon, must evaluate strangulation risk, blood on floor - call medics

7:05: turn off electricity to wing to save money

7:10 moved prisoner Maxwell to random cell

7:15 prisoner Maxwell complains about video camera not working, piano wire on door, rope coming from ceiling. Assured her it's Standard Operating Procedure with suicide risks. Told her that because she's built up so much trust, we were extending strip search to 12 hours between. Prisoner Maxwell passed out - call medics.

 

 

• A security guard was stabbed 27 times after asking 2 sisters to wear masks
• I could be wrong, but I don't think they wanted to wear masks 

My coffee company just notified me they're making the boxes smaller, from 16 cups to 10 cups, to streamline my experience. To go all Twitter on them, WTF is even streamlining my experience? My coffee experience is opening the box, putting the cup in the coffee maker, then drinking it. How does this need to be streamlined, and can it be streamlined? I mean, if Julia Roberts were to start the machine, that would be lovely, but I'm not sure that qualifies as streamlining. If Julia were to make the coffee and bring it to me, that would count as streamlining, but the coffee company did not offer this: they just reduced the cup count from 16 to 10. Since this did not really streamline my experience nor involve Julia Roberts, perhaps I need to rethink my coffee purchasing.... and they need to rethink their definition of streamlining...

It's not National Suicide Prevention Month, officially, but it's always suicide prevention time. Every 30-some seconds, somebody commits suicide. Talk to someone - the fact is you don't have to feel this way. Suicide Hotlines, vet hotlines, city or county mental health, family, priest or similar, friends, hell - email me if you're really stuck.

it might be time to re-evaluate your work choices